Original subtitles

And with the economy in the crapper

and SDISM creeping the red,

we're staring down the barrel of poverty, people.

But this is America,

and I am not going down without a fight.

There are always alternative ways

of making a profit.

I was recently in Bogotá

and just happened to meet a farmer of sorts

named Juan Carlos.

You know what,

let's just put a pin in that.

Which brings me to layoffs-- now, as much as it pains me,

we need to trim the fat of this office.

So come on, give me some people to slaughter.

How about Foxy?

How about "no"?

I mean, how about "why"? Okay, look,

I love the guy, he's great, hell of a storyteller--

he's even gotten me laid a few times.

But you know what, Irv? The guy takes up a lot of space.

Hold on, Lev!

Look, Rick has come a long way, and besides,

wait-- he's got that meet with Michael Phelps tomorrow.

Okay, wait, wait.

Okay, are we talking "meeting" meeting,

or are we talking drinks at the Playboy Mansion?

I'm with Lev,

(laughs): because... me and Foxy

hung out there with Michael Jordan.

It was definitely not a meeting.

Playboy Mansion?

Now, this wasn't in the last six months, was it?

What? Nothing.

Look, guys, come on, we need Rick.

He's a celebrity. He's got potential.

Now, John-- come on,

we definitely don't need his ass.

Hell, we already got two Asians.

Tasha! What?

That's racist-- and we absolutely need John,

because it's important that in every office

someone has a smaller penis than me.

How about Cindy? Huh?

I mean, come on, she cute,

but haven't all y'all hit that already?

Yeah, but, uh,

Cindy's got... (clears throat)

pictures.

Not of me.

She gave me the Heisman.

Whoo! Little penis saved me again.

Tell Cindy to report

to the conference room, and tell her

to bring her parking pass. Ha!

You know, I'm ashamed to admit it, but, uh...

oof, I'm slightly aroused.

Irv! What?

Tasha, I'm kidding!

Come on! I'm kidding!

I'm not ashamed.

Tasha, what's going on with you?

I told you.

Chocolate give me a rash.

It don't matter where you put it.

No. It... it's just that I'm feeling like

we're missing that connection we have between us.

Is everything okay?

Tasha?

(sighs)

Rick...

look.

I didn't want to tell you this, but...

there was a meeting at ISM today,

and they're talking about cutbacks,

and your name came up.

Me? Rick Fox?

You sure it wasn't the other Rick? Rick Wolf?

No, it was definitely you.

Okay, so tomorrow, this meeting

with Michael Phelps, is that a "meeting" meeting,

or is that more like last month when you was

hanging out at the Playboy Mansion?

I wasn't at the Playboy Mansion last month.

Good, I was just making sure.

What? No, Rick, I need you

to stay focused on business, not bunnies.

Tasha, every time I take a meeting,

I'm looking to seal the deal.

Okay, well, ain't no looking here.

All right? Your butt is on the line.

Look, it's the eye of the tiger.

Lakers/Celtics, fourth quarter, one second left.

You got the ball-- what you gonna do?

Well, hold on-- am I on the Celtics or the Lakers?

Rick, stay focused. All right, baby,

you know how I got to where I got?

No. Movies.

I learned all my techniques from flicks.

Okay, you know your ABC's?

(laughing): Yes, Tasha.

I mean, it gets a little hectic around M-N-L-O-P, but...

No, baby, look.

It's from Glengarry Glen Ross-- the ABC's of sales:

Always Be Closing.

So tomorrow, when you have that meeting

with Michael Phelps, he says

he needs "to think about it,"

you tell him you'll think for him.

He says he want to talk it over

with his moms, you have Mama Phelps on speed dial.

He says he never make a deal on an empty stomach,

then feed his ass!

"A," Always, "B," Be, "C," Closing.

Yeah? Wait, now there's two B's?

Oh, Rick!

All right, take Jaws.

I closed Malik's

$40 million deal after watching that movie.

Tellin' you, you gotta eat these white people.

Gobble, gobble, chomp, chomp.

"I'm gonna need a bigger boat!"

(laughs): Okay. Huh? Yeah?

Yeah. Okay.

I can do this. Yeah? You sure?

Yeah! Okay.

Gobble, gobble.

Chomp, chomp. Okay?

Gobble, gobble, gobble... (laughs)

MELANIE: And you know what? I bet you Derwin thinks

it's my turn to make the next move.

I mean, he found out about McHottie and I, so he went

running to Janay,

like a-a... a knee-jerk reaction.

But with his crotch.

It's a crotch-jerk.

Yeah. He's a crotch-jerker from way back.

Enough! I am sick of hearing about you and Derwin!

And I am sick of hearing about my birthday.

It's your birthday?

How come you didn't say anything, Kelly? Happy birthday.

Didn't I just tell you I'm sick of hearing about it?

Birthdays are stupid holidays

created by greeting card companies

and greedy people who want presents.

And why would I want to be reminded

that I'm another year older and closer to death?

No, Jason and I

made a pact a long time ago--

we only celebrate two holidays:

Christmas and tax refund day.

Oh...

So that's why you're so cranky.

Jason forgot your birthday.

Oh, God, please!

Why would Jason remember my birthday?

I mean, we are getting a divorce.

That would be stupid.

Like you and Derwin.

Derwin and I are not stupid.

Give that back. Say we're not stupid.

Ow!

My... God! Stupid.

(whispers): Bitch.

Okay, so when you got out of college,

why didn't you look for me then?

Well, I, uh...

Malik,

as much as I'm enjoying spending time with you,

this is a little distracting.

Who, Flapjax? Oh, she don't care.

Her daddy left her, too.

Oh, well, glad to see how well that turned out.

Okay, so come on, come on, come on, tell me

tell me, tell me, okay?

Why didn't you look for me?

Well, I did.

In fact, I wanted to surprise you

on your eighth birthday, but, uh...

your mother surprised me instead

with a sawed-off shotgun.

Wait a minute. Were you in, like, a blue Cutlass

with the window busted out in the back?

God, no.

I had a gray Saab.

Hmm. Oh! I remember you!

Yeah, you got away, right?

Well, if you want to call

three buckshots in the back getting away.

Well, I do. It could've been worse.

(chuckles) Okay,

so tell me, did you think about me?

Every time I saw a little boy your age.

'Cause you thought that little boy might actually be me.

Well, not, uh...

Okay, sure! Yes!

Mmm.

Ooh, wow.

That was one rough cram session, huh?

Yeah.

Tasha, I... I've been thinking.

This time we've spent together has been

great and...

Hold up.

Are you breaking up with me?

Oh, no, no. Oh, my God...

You're breaking up with me. I will kill you!

Oh, God, please don't leave me.

I will kill you!

Tasha, no.

I was going to say I love you.

And I was

also going to say...

I want to marry you.

(chuckles): But now I'm scared.

Oh, my God.

Marry me?

Rick, are you serious?

Uh, look, Tasha, I'm not 25 anymore.

I mean, you met my mom.

She didn't like you.

It just feels right.

Okay, Rick, now, you're not just saying this

'cause you're all enamored with me helping to save your ass at work, right?

Tasha...

I love you.

I want to share the rest of my life with you.

I've never had a man say anything like that to me before.

I mean, the closest I heard is,

"Tasha, I like you and I want you to share

the rest of this bottle with me."

Well?

Okay, Rick, look,

I know you're gonna think I'm a damn fool, but...

I just want to make sure you ain't just

caught up in the moment, you know?

'Cause my heart, it can't take no double-backs.

So I want to have this conversation again in...

three days.

And if you feel the same way, then, shoot,

we can go on down to Rodeo Drive,

pop into Harry Winston,

hit that third counter on the left,

ask to speak to Christo, tell him to show us the Chopard

F.L.I.F. vvs-1.5 carat emerald cut ring, size six...

I mean, you know, if they got anything like that.

Cool?

Cool.

(squeals)

What up, Kel-Kel-Kelly?

Oh, my God, Jason, those are my favorite!

Yeah. Yeah, I remember.

I can't believe... Hey, you Traci?

Yeah. Here you go.

TRACI: Oh.

I bumped into the delivery guy

downstairs; thought I'd save you the ten-dollar tip.

Oh, thank you. You can just give me five.

Oh.

My purse is in my office.

Oh, it's cool, my meeting's not for another couple minutes,

so, uh... to the purse!

All right, Kel.

Tasha, I'm going for a run.

Girl, do whatever you want to do.

Everything's perfect.

Hi.

I'm Mrs. Tasha Fox.

And you are...?

Oh, who dat?

Girl, that's my husband. He craz...

Hey, babe. Hey.

How'd it go?

Uh, it went great! Ooh! Okay,

baby, not here. You know, glass is see-through.

Sorry. Everything you told me to do...

Uh-huh. it worked.

The Jaws, the Jerry Maguire.

I even figured out what the "B" stands for.

Oh, baby, see? I'm so proud of you-- you won!

W-Well, not yet.

But it looks good. Uh-huh.

We should know more by tomorrow.

Ooh. God, I wish I could do you.

You know what?

Go to your office, turn your Web cam on.

I'm gonna Basic Instinct you. (gasps): Oh!

(mouthing): I love you. You, too.

Ooh!

DERWIN (on answering machine): Yo, what's up?

This is your boy, D-double.

You know what to do.

Hey, Derwin, it's Melanie.

Gosh, I hate to bother you, but, um, I am actually

stuck at the hospital with a flat tire.

I wouldn't have even called,

but I don't have anyone to help me,

and, uh, it's getting late,

and the sun is going down...

in... four or five hours.

But, you know, hey, if-if you don't come, no worries.

I'm sure I'll be perfectly safe.

I think they've got a pretty good lead

on the university rapist.

Okay, all right, bye.

(exhales)

(grunts) (air hissing)

Okay.

(hip-hop music playing)

Yeah...

Could I trouble you for that sock?

What you doing?

Damn it, Flapjax, didn't I tell you to watch him?

Huh? You know what? You fired!

Are you sure?

You know I can't stay mad at you, Flapjax.

MALIK: So what,

you just gonna bail on me, Dad?

Malik, it's been great hanging out with you,

but, uh, I've got to get back to my family.

I am your family. I know, Malik.

But I've also got a job.

Oh, damn! I got a job, too-- I got a game in Boston.

Come on, we got a plane to catch.

Malik,

I can't go to Boston.

Why can't you go to Boston, huh?

You got something more important to do

than make up for the last 27 years?

You're 27?

Yeah.

That means you were born in...

In '81.

Yeah, that checks out.

Beantown it is. All right.

Uh, hey, I got a jack in my car.

I can have you out of here in five minutes.

Oh, no, it's okay. Someone's on the way. Really,

it's no problem at all; I can just grab it out of the car...

I said someone's on the way!

Uh,

thanks anyway, Dr. Stewart.

I'll see you tomorrow!

Oh, my God.

Kelly?

What are you doing?

Running. What are you doing?

I'm, um, uh...

Look, don't worry about what I'm doing.

What the hell are you doing running through a parking lot?

I don't know.

I guess I figure if I keep running,

I won't have to think about being alone.

Oh, God.

Kelly! But you're not alone, okay?

You have me and...

Tasha and Brittany.

We love you.

It's just...

I'm finally getting what I wanted...

and I'm not sure it's really what I want.

Or if it's even as great as what I had.

(sighs)

Maybe I do need to stop running.

Or just face this divorce.

Oh, my God! That's Derwin.

Uh, hurry, Kelly, run!

What? Get the hell out of here!

Ow!

Hey.

You okay back there?

Well, actually, uh...

* Do your one, two, and your three, four *

* Let me see you go, let me, let me see you go... *

(whooping, shouting) Yeah!

IRV: Whoo! Yeah, that's amazing, that's great.

All right, now, listen up, everybody.

The names I'm about to call are to report immediately

to the conference room with their parking passes.

John.

Traci. Rick.

Wolf?

Fox.

(quietly): Damn!

That's all for now, everybody.

Irv, Irv, come on, man, you can't do this.

Look, we haven't even gotten the final word

from Michael Phelps' people yet.

At least wait till we hear fr-- Tasha.

I got this.

Irv! Tasha, shut it up.

(clears throat softly)

(indistinct chatter, laughing)

Yo, damn, Malik!

Even the white people of Boston love you.

MALIK: Hi! I love y'all, too. Hey!

MalikWright.com, baby.

Best that ever did it, y'all.

How'd I play, Daddy?

Oh, I thought you were... Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Get your own daddy, bro.

So, how'd I do, Dad? Heck of a game, son.

Ooh.

What? Dingleberry.

Damn it! It's Derwin!

Looks like your fan is calling you.

Excuse me, I'm here to see Derwin.

Bitch, who ain't?

Hey. Melanie, what are you doing in Boston?

(laughs): New Kids on the Block reunion.

"Please Don't Go, Girl"?

Live?

Enough said.

Melanie, what's going on?

Derwin, I really needed to talk to you.

Okay? And this is the only place I can get you alone.

Look, Derwin, I have traveled

3,000 miles to tell you that you and this whole Janay thing,

it's just a reaction to me and McHottie.

You don't have to react anymore.

I broke it off with him, so you can...

I'm gonna try to make it work with Janay.

What?! No, Derwin, see, this is what I'm talking about.

You're reacting again.

No, I'm not reacting, Melanie.

Look, I've thought a lot about this.

That's why I haven't called you back.

I just didn't know how to tell you.

Listen, I owe it to my son

to try to give him a real family.

Your son would want you to be happy, Derwin.

Are you happy?

Yes, Melanie, I am.

Look, I got to go.

But hey,

enjoy New Kids.

Der...

(quietly): Oh, God!

(frustrated groan)

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I don't know how I'm gonna break this to my mom.

Hey, guys, come on, now, chin up.

We'll land on our feet.

Yeah. Easy for you to say-- Rick Fox.

You're worth millions.

What are you even doing here?

(footsteps approaching)

I will take a pay cut, Irv.

Done. You're not fired, though.

You, either, Traci.

It's the managers I didn't call

that are being fired-- and I know...

I know it's a dirty thing to do, but I saw something similar

on American Idol-- I just thought it looked so cool!

(Irv laughing)

What about our parking passes?

Oh, we're just updating them.

Now, get out of here before I change my mind.

Except you, Ricky.

Sit tight, big guy.

What's going on, guys?

I, uh, hate to do this to you.

Foxy, my man,

you're being...

...promoted!

Ha! I'm sorry!

It's American Idol again!

I just love the show!

(laughs): A promotion?

Yep. We just got the call.

You closed Michael Phelps.

Wow! Really?

Yes. Yeah.

I can't believe it!

I know, it's pretty much a shock across the boards, Ricky.

Don't do it, don't do it! He just signed Michael Phelps!

I got proof.

Yeah, I know. We know.

We just gave him a promotion.

You got promoted?

(chuckles): Yeah.

Oh! Well, cool!

Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come in here, just go crazy.

TASHA: Ha!

All right, well, uh... you guys just carry on.

You know, it's a good thing you're here, Tasha.

What?

You're promoting me, too?

You guys!

Actually, I'm, uh...

I'm gonna have to let you go.

Budget cuts.

You firing me?

Wh-What's going on?

You know what, Tasha,

why don't you just give, uh, Fox your parking pass.

He's taking your space.

Budget cuts.

RICK: Uh...

you can't fire Tasha.

She's the best.

Oh, okay, I see what's going on here.

What, you're sitting in my chair,

you're using my movie lines, you're taking my parking space!

Tasha, I'm just as surprised as you are.

You've been playing me since day one!

Hopping in my bed...

Oh! Ho-ho! Oh!

Foxy gets the pot! Stop!

What, you had a side bet going, too?

Tasha, I had no idea about any bets.

Look,

I love you.

LEV: Wait, whoa, whoa.

Love? Foxy, you already bagged her.

Come on, man.

We was talking

about marriage.

You know, I should've known then, huh?

Look, Tasha, I meant what I said.

* How about a round of applause... *

Tasha, I'll quit.

I don't need this job.

* A standing ovation

* But you put on quite a show *

* 'Cause you really had me going *

This is my jam. TASHA: * Now it's time to go

* Your curtain's finally closing... *

For once, Tasha, just trust me!

* Talking about, "Girl, I love you, you're the one" *

* Well, this just looks like a rerun... *

Please!

Don't do this!

* What else is on?

Tasha, you're gonna look back on this one day and be sorry.

* Oh, and don't tell me you're sorry *

* 'Cause you're not

* Baby

(singing along): * When I know you're only sorry you got caught *

(solo): * Oh, but you

* Put on quite a show *

* Unh! Really had me going

* Please!

(Irv laughing)

(high-pitched): Ah...

(laughs) Oh...

I didn't know Tasha could sing.

Oh, they all can. Yeah. Yeah. That's true.

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