Original subtitles

(snoring quietly)

(doorbell buzzing)

(doorbell buzzing)

All right!

Hey, Malik.

Went shopping at the farmers' market.

I see.

WOMEN: Happy divorce, Malik!

Mmm, what's up, ladies?

(chuckles)

(groans)

(loud grunt)

I shop the local farmers' market

'cause it's globally responsible.

You know, why eat something with a nasty carbon footprint

when everything I want, like yourself,

is grown right here in California?

Actually, I grew up in Florida.

(chuckles): Yeah. Whatever.

Let's talk about it while you get undressed.

TEE TEE: Oh, snap, check it out.

It's the former Mrs. Wright.

ROBIN (on TV): And I play a scientist who's developed

this cheap, renewable energy source.

And I spend the whole movie running,

because the oil companies and Dick Cheney want me dead.

(laughs) I do all of my own stunts.

Oh, well, I can't wait to see that.

But... but I asked you about you and Malik Wright.

So, girl, what happened?

Nothing happened, Tanika.

It was wonderful being married to Malik,

because Malik Wright's a wonderful guy.

Aw, that's sweet.

She playing nice, Tee dawg.

I'm glad she's getting the publicity she wanted.

Well, I mean, it couldn't have been all wonderful, Robin.

I mean, you just filed for divorce, citing fraud.

Fraud! Yeah.

I mean, that comes with its own connotations.

Come on! No, I know, I know.

And I-I can't help what, you know,

conclusions that you draw.

I'm just saying that, well...

I wasn't prepared for his lifestyle.

TANIKA: Lifestyle?

Okay, now-now, you're just gonna need to

come out and say it. (laughs)

I mean, wh-what are you saying?

What team does-does Malik Wright play for?

San Diego Sabers, Tanika.

You know?

Surrounded by a bunch of men,

showering with a bunch of men,

tossing around balls

with a bunch of men. Yeah, I-I get it.

Yeah? Do you get it? 'Cause I got a lot more.

Did she just say I'm gay? Ah, nah, man.

Come on, that was more of an inference.

Strong inference.

Damn near accusation. (scoffs)

Whatever, dawg. I'm Malik Wright--

ain't nobody gonna believe that.

(chuckles) I don't know...

Hey, what y'all... what y'all doing?

Sharon, baby, where you going?

Um, work called.

I have to go; it's an emergency.

An emergency?

Girl, you work at Pinkberry.

Yeah. They ran out of berries.

I have to go.

I just can't date any more gay guys.

Wha...?

Did she just diss me, Tee Tee?

Ah, nah, man, don't even trip.

That was more of an inference.

A strong inference.

Damn near accusation.

Boy, shut up! Damn!

Sorry.

Thank you.

(cell phone ringing)

Hello. Robin Givens.

Who's calling, please?

G-Girl, you know it's me!

You got caller ID, Robin.

Oh, Malik. You know, I would love to chat,

but I'm about to go on Regis and Kelly

to promote my new movie.

Oh, by the way, my trainer Jack

said he'd really love to meet you.

I think he really wants to work you out.

But I think that's code for gay sex.

You know what, Robin?

You're wack. You're just trying to get back at me

for blowing us up on Entertainment Tonight.

Well, you mess with the bull, you get it in the ass.

Or at least people think you do.

Stay fierce, Malik.

Robin!

Robin!

Damn it.

(grunts)

Hey, there he is.

How'd it go, Mary? (laughs)

This ain't funny, Cal.

You're my manager-- your ass better manage.

All right, would you just get ahold of yourself, Malik.

I've seen this before, all right?

In gay porn, but... (laughs)

(laughs): Gay porn.

You know what?

I'm glad y'all think this is funny.

If people even think a pro baller's gay,

his career is over.

Why you think nobody's ever come out, Cal?

Huh? Now, y'all better fix this

before I start firing y'all asses!

Then we'll see how ha-ha-ha-ha,

hee-hee-hee-hee it is then.

We are taking this seriously, Malik.

It's just that you're a known womanizer, okay?

So the fallout from this is probably mostly in your head.

TEE TEE: Hey, I don't know, man, 65% polled

on MalikWright.com think you gay.

And yo, they ain't even seen

them sweater vests you got in your closet yet.

Ha-ha. Keep it up, Tee Tee.

Okay, look,

just to be safe,

I'll up the worldwide media circulation

of pictures of you with your bevy of bimbos.

There you go.

And your lawyer's got a call in

to Robin's agent, all right?

Hey, you know what, actually,

do you have, like, a sex tape lying around?

'Cause that might be worth leaking.

Well, assuming it's of you

with a woman.

(snickering)

Cal, I will knock you the hell out right now.

(cell phone ringing) No hesitation.

Oh, thank God, it's my mom.

She'll know how to handle this.

I'll fire all y'all asses.

Hey, Mama.

What's up, gay boy?

(women laughing)

Oh, man!

He hung up.

Aw. Some gals are just so sensitive.

Oh, oh, so now that Malik's gay, he can come do my hair.

(laughs)

What?

Y'all trying to tell me something?

Well...

It wouldn't hurt for you to try something else.

Yeah, you know, other than what you have.

Look, ain't a damn thing wrong with my hair, okay?

Shoot, I know I look fine.

Oh, yeah, it's fine. I'm sure it looks as great today

as it did when Sue Ellen shot J.R.

(laughter)

I mean, come on, Tasha,

it doesn't exactly scream, "I'm doing Rick Fox."

More like, "I'm doing Redd Foxx."

Okay, wait a minute, are y'all attacking me?

Oh, no, no, no, see, I do the attacking around here.

Okay? I'm the attacker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I'm the drinker and she's the victim.

We know our roles. Mm-hmm.

Look, the point is,

when Jason and I broke up, I changed my hair color.

And I feel like a new woman. MELANIE: Mm-hmm.

And you know what happened when I changed my hair.

Hey...

Whoo!

(laughter)

Yeah.

You became a ho...!

No.

I became liberated. Free.

I stopped living by everyone else's rules.

Now...

I makes my own.

You see,

the old Melanie wouldn't dance to emphasize her point.

Now look at me-- * I'm dancing

* And emphasizing and dancing and emphasizing *

* Your haircut is boring *

BOTH: * Your haircut is boring.

So, Tasha, are you ready to make the change?

I can take you to see my stylist.

(squealing, laughing)

Sure thing, sure thing. You know what?

I'm just gonna run across the street right quick to my house,

I'm gonna grab my gun--

a little gift for you ladies, okay?

To thank you for helping me out, all right?

Be right back.

Don't go nowhere.

Okay?

* Tasha gonna get her gun *

* We scared, we scared

* Tasha gonna get her gun

BOTH: * We scared, we scared!

(laughter)

(knocking on door)

(giggles)

* I'm dancing and walking in *

* I'm dancing

* And looking good, I'm dancing *

* And kissing my...

(exhales)

Oh... (laughs)

I'm sorry, baby-- I had a, um,

a chili dog for lunch.

Oh. Why am I lying?

I had two chili dogs, and I loved it.

And I'm...

(grunts): ...huge!

(laughing)

So, you loved it

like you loved banging Dr. Barris?

(coughs)

What?

I... think you heard me, Melanie.

So...

what do you call dude-- McHottie?

Who told you that?

How does it work, Mel?

Uh, McHottie gets the sex

while Derwin gets the board games?

Hmm?

"Checking in," my ass.

Look, I am not the only one involved with someone else.

Oh, wow, are you kidding me, Melanie?

You are not gonna compare me trying to be a father

to my child with you and McHottie.

You know what, Mel?

It's cool.

'Cause I am good with you.

Derwin...

let's just talk about this...

Checking out!

He knows what I'm talking... You all know!

(conversation, laughter stop)

All right, fellas.

Come on.

Hit me.

Malik loves the dudes.

Bring on the boy-on-boy.

I'm quarterbacking for the other team.

Come on, what you got? Malik, dude,

nobody thinks you're gay, man.

Ain't nobody trippin' on that.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, right.

Come on, relax, man.

I snap that ball to you every week.

You think I'd let you play around my jewels

I believed all that gay stuff?

You know what, man?

You're right, dawg.

I'm Malik Wright.

Nobody gonna believe that crap.

Yeah, no doubt, man, and, hey--

we're family, all right? And even if we did

think you were gay, we'd still love you--

we'd just make a bigger production out of it.

Yeah. It'd be, uh,

I don't know, something like...

(lisping): Five, six, seven, eight!

* Humidity's rising

* Barometer's getting low

* According to all sources * What sources now *

* The street's the place Get your hands off me.

* To go Ding Dong!

* 'Cause tonight, for the first time *

* First time *

* Just about a half-past 10:00

* Half-past 10:00 *

* For the first time in history *

* It's gonna start raining men

* It's raining men

* Hallelujah

* It's raining men

* Amen

* I'm gonna go out

* I'm gonna let myself get

* Absolutely soaking wet

* It's raining men

* Hallelujah, it's raining men *

* Every specimen

* Tall, blond

* Dark and lean

* Rough and tough and strong and mean *

* Ooh, it's raining men, yeah.

All right.

(laughter)

Malik, what you think?

(excited chattering)

Hey, Malik, Malik.

One to ten, how turned on are you right now?

I hate y'all!

Come on, man, we're just playing with you.

Let him go, girl.

Come on, son, yo, it's all good, man.

Just, we'll kick it after practice,

we'll put all this behind you.

(players gasping, snickering)

I-I said "behind you."

That's why they laughing.

'Cause they really think you gay.

(laughter) Hey, look at him, y'all!

He can't keep his hands off me!

Oh, God!

* Move it, girl

* We love it when you shaking it down *

* On the floor, in the cut, girl *

* And tension thick, so quick to let it down *

* Another round for the clique, girl... *

(hooting, whooping)

Hey!

Whoo-whoo! (music fades)

All right, y'all, show's over.

Yo, Malik, thanks for a cool night, man.

What? Come on, Devita, let's get going.

Got to meet with your parents for brunch in the morning.

Man, come on, y'all leaving already?

Lasagna's almost done.

I'm watching the carbs, dude.

MALIK: Whatever, bro.

All right, dawg. Thanks for the drinks.

Y'all trippin'. Good lookin' out.

Uh, Clay?

Hell, you went to the trouble,

I may as well get my grub on, right?

It's meat, right?

And four cheeses, boy.

(laughs) Yo, I'm in.

Damn, Malik,

your toes are tight. What'd you do?

You, like, get a pedicure or something?

Every week, dawg.

Hey, I don't play when it comes to my toes.

Honestly, Clay, I think grooming's very important.

And a man should be able to rock a sandal,

you know what I'm saying?

(both laugh)

Damn, man, after the season,

mines be busted all the hell up.

Dawg, take care of 'em.

You never know when somebody's gonna want to suck 'em.

I learned that the hard way.

All right, all right.

Well, uh, I'm definitely gonna

have to get your foot lady's number.

And I'm definitely gonna give it to you.

Hey, so what you drinking, Clay?

I got Scotch, whiskey, bourbon, what?

Uh, you know, wine goes better with lasagna.

Oh, cool, cool.

All right.

I got this Napa Cab somebody gave me,

and I've been waiting for an occasion

to break this baby open.

You know, I've been up to that winery.

They got a great Chardonnay up there. Oh.

Well, I'm gonna have to put that on my to-do list.

Clay, here you go.

They also got a nice little bed-and-breakfast

right up in the cut near that winery.

Whoa, a little creep joint?

Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

I likes that, I likes it.

Sometimes you want to be on the low-low,

you know-know?

(both laugh) Who you telling?

True.

Uh, may I propose a toast

to the best center-quarterback duo in the league?

Okay, that's what I'm talking about, boy. To us.

To us.

Hmm. Mmm.

That's good.

Hey, it's kind of quiet in here, Clay.

Why don't you throw something on for us, brother.

Right there.

All right.

Little, uh, ambience.

Oh, you got this right here?

What's that?

("Bed" by J. Holiday playing)

Oh, that's my jam, boy!

Hey, people really slept on J. Holiday.

I slept with a lot of people to J. Holiday,

you know what I'm saying?

(laughs)

Is that right?

* Wrap me up in your legs *

* And love you till your eyes roll back *

* I'm trying to put you to bed, bed, bed *

* I'm trying to put you to bed, bed, bed *

* Then I'm a-rock your body, turn you over *

* Love is war, I'm your soldier *

* Touching you like it's our first time *

* I'm a-put you to bed, bed, bed *

* Trying to put you to bed...

I'm trying to put you to bed, Malik.

Come on, yo... What the hell, man?!

What's the problem?

What you mean, what's the problem?!

Dawg, you just kissed me on my neck!

Yeah, that's what you wanted, right?

Why in the hell would I want that, Clay?!

Yo, you put it out there with the food

and the wine and all that.

I'm serving lasagna, not ass.

Yo, you sure could fool me, talking about

you want to get your toes sucked on and all that!

By a broad, Clay, not a big burly-ass dude.

So you're not gay?

What part of this are you not getting, Clay?

Yo, y-you ain't gonna tell nobody, right?

Now, who in the hell am I gonna tell?!

I went off of your vibe, man,

how you was moving with it and everything! What?!

Man, get your ass out of my house, boy!

Get your ass out my house, Clay!

* We touching, we touching

* I want it, I want it

Man, don't look at me. Take your ass out!

* I'll see you, see you

* In the morning, in the morning *

* Want to put my fingers through your hair *

* Wrap me up in your legs

* And love you till your eyes roll back *

* I'm trying to put you to bed, bed, bed... *

(sighs)

What about this one? Tasha!

Honestly, your hair looks fabulous from every angle.

Okay, okay, okay, what about this one?

(laughs): No.

(squeals)

(door opens, closes)

Okay, which one of you bitches

blabbed to Derwin about McHottie?

Bitches? Wait, I got your bitch right here

in my purse, safety off.

Sweetie, what are you talking about?

He knows.

He knows about McHottie and I,

and you two are the only ones I told.

What?

Did you tell Malik?

(imitating Tasha): "Guess who Med School was banging in the bathroom

with her nasty ass."

Do I really sound like that?

Lord, I'm a cartoon character.

(snickering)

Or maybe it was you.

A little pillow talk during one of your backslides with Jason?

Sweetie, I would never betray you like that.

I don't know why you're staring at me, Med School,

'cause I ain't guilty of nothing but looking fabulous.

You so do!

Oh, my God, I know, right?

(laughs)

It's so cute.

So you guys really didn't tell him?

No.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe this.

It's over.

Again?!

Yes, Kelly.

He threw me out.

My God, how did he know?

Baby...

Ah, girl, don't coddle her.

She need to hear the truth.

Okay, and the truth is

it doesn't matter who told Derwin.

Look, it could have been me,

Tee Tee, Ice-T, T. Boone Pickens.

You know, you want to call yourself

the new Melanie.

What, you're cutting off your hair, you're having toilet sex,

you dancin' and emphasizin'.

Girl, let me emphasize this:

you want to be a big girl, you want to play,

you got to be ready to lose-- and you lost.

All that checking in mess.

Girl, that didn't even make no damn sense.

Yeah, I didn't get it either.

I just didn't want to say anything.

You okay?

Look, I know it's hard when she's right.

(sobbing): It is.

It really is.

Oh, baby.

(sniffles)

Three yards-- three damn yards

between us leaving the first half tied

and coming in here behind.

Wright.

You want to tell me

what the hell you were thinking changing up the shotgun

when nobody told you to?

Coach, I saw a better pass option

in the rush I was up against.

I call the plays!

I run you up the middle,

I want you tight under Clay,

and I want you to run.

Clay, get over here.

Get down.

Let me show you

how it's done, Wright.

I call a snap, I want you down under there,

unless I say otherwise.

I want your hands up in his ass

holding up his nuts.

I want you in there so tight,

Clay thinks you give a crap about his prostate.

Now...

so there's no confusion, let's see it.

Nah, nah, Coach.

I'm shotgun if it looks better.

Oh, cut the crap, Malik. Get your head in the game.

We're gonna blow this.

ROSS: Is this about that

sissy-queer-eyed stuff again?

What?

Are you afraid being nestled with Clay

for a snap

is going to make you guys look gay?

Or are you guys

really gay?

Coach, I'm not the one that's gay.

What the hell is going on?

CLAY: Okay, Malik,

after I tried helping you without saying anything...

Yo, your boy tried to come at me at his place, yo.

What?! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey! Man, what's wrong with you?!

Yo, Malik, ease up, man!

Come on, man! Yo, yo, yo, yo!

MALIK: You punk ass bitch.

Are you crazy?!

JASON: Hey, hey!

Is this some kind of lover's quarrel, or...?

CLAY: So if I'm the gay one,

why you trying to fight me, Malik?

Okay.

Everybody in here knows everything in my crib

is recorded by a security system.

We'll catch an instant replay

and we'll see who's gay, Clay.

Right on my phone. What's up?

ROSS: Hey, I don't care

whose backfield is in motion.

We got a game to finish.

Gay, straight, undecided.

Why you looking at me, Coach?

I'm decided.

What? Y'all, I'm-I'm decided.

I'm so decided.

We lose this game, we lose the season.

Egan...

...you're in for Clay the second half.

All right, get out there.

That's right.

(crowd cheering in distance)

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