Original subtitles

Jason "Rock Head" Pitts.

(guys laughing)

Oh... my God.

Don't try to call on God now, Satan.

(fake British accent): Hmm. Today on Wild Kingdom,

an elderly lion, Jason Pitts,

has to fend off an angry cougar in knockoff clothing.

(fake British accent): Malik, I can tell in my gut

that this cougar is not packing a pistol, Mm.

which rules out illegitimate children

and/or a faster, younger kitten mistress.

Mm. (bad British accent): Top of the morning to ya.

G'day, mate.

What are you doing?

'Cause that ain't what we're doing.

Then why the hell haven't you returned my calls?

You're the one who brought the lawyers into this, Kel.

Talk to my lawyer. You remember Morris?

Sharp-toothed barracuda

about yea high. I think...

Yeah, I think he made you cry. You were...

Oh, you mean the jerk who thought he could get custody of my daughter

right up to the moment that I made you my bitch?

(all gasp)

What do you want, Kelly?

The lease is up on my car.

I need a new one so I can drive your daughter to school.

I bought you three cars, Kelly.

You spit on them.

You've got a job. Get your own lease.

I don't have any credit.

Everything's in your name, remember?

God, I love myself.

(fake accent): Ooh, the male lion seems to be holding his ground quite well.

Indubitably, I say.

(with Jamaican accent): Bring it down now,

come selectah, rewind, buck-buck, murderer.

Dude, what's wrong with you?

You mess with me, I will drop the steroids card again,

just like I did in arbitration.

I will make you my bitch right here

in front of all your little friends.

You know what, Kelly?

Either spot me or get the hell out of my face.

Hello!

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

Guys!

You want to know what your beloved

team captain has been up to?

Cross-dressing?

Line dancing?

Midget porn?

(laughter)

Jason Pitts has been... Kelly.

This is not cool.

Neither is midget porn.

Get me a frickin' car. No.

You're not going to come in here and blackmail me.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I'm going to yellowmail you.

Jason Pitts has been using...

All of his efforts to find his wife the perfect car.

I'm buying Kelly a car.

(all grumbling) JASON: I know. I know.

(squealing with delight) I know.

Are you happy now?

Ah, yes, very.

It's a pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Pitts.

Oh, and I want the car by Saturday.

(hissing)

Or I'll be back.

Kelly, your new car is adorable.

I know, I love it. It's eco-friendly.

I'm saving the planet and sticking it to Jason.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so is that why

you invited us over here?

'Cause I was about to go to the gun range.

No, actually, I need to talk to you guys about Joe.

Joe? You got a dog?

Joe-- her boyfriend.

Oh. Why your boyfriend got a dog's name?

(both laughing) No!

He's not my boyfriend.

Not officially.

We haven't done it.

What you all been doing

for the past two months, playing tiddlywinks?

Oh, relationships aren't only about sex, Tasha.

Says the girl who's sleeping with two different men.

I'm not sleeping with Derwin.

We don't have to have sex to connect.

Does he know that?

Intimacy is more important than sex.

Right, Kelly?

Don't ask me.

Jason and I had unbelievable sex.

Our sex was...

You know what, words don't even do it justice.

Let me get a tape and show you.

Oh, get the one from the 30th birthday party.

The Peter Pan joint. Uh-uh, no.

No. No one wants to see that again.

We all know how it ends.

I just didn't want to rush things with Joe, you know,

because of Brittany.

I don't want to parade some naked guy around the house.

Girl, just tell her he's her uncle.

Shoot, Malik thinks I got 14 brothers.

Joe hasn't even really made a move yet.

So, I've been thinking of a way to show him

I may be ready.

Fuzzy handcuffs, edible undies,

a little duct tape.

Who are you, Porno MacGyver?

What? Too much?

Jason loves this stuff.

I mean, we busted this out on our second date.

What?

What?

He fed me first.

Wait, no, he didn't.

Oh, but in his defense, I was full from lunch.

Ooh, grape-flavored condoms.

Organic warming lotion?

Uh-uh, I don't need no warming up.

I'm hot enough.

Now, if you've got some cooling lotion.

(laughing) Ooh, pearls. Pretty.

Uh, those don't go there.

Oh. Like a bracelet?

Much cuter.

What, what's this?

You all been playing Mandingo?

Ow.

No.

(chuckling) Yes.

Come on, you guys, I need your help.

Look, I want Joe to know that I'm ready,

but he's a regular guy.

I don't want to scare him with all my stuff.

Okay, you plan on using all this in one night?

No.

Yes.

Come on, you guys.

God, things were so much easier with Jason.

All I had to do was grab his goodies,

and he was good to go.

God, I miss that.

Wait, Kelly, you're not trying to rush into the sex thing (sighs)

because you're missing Jason?

No.

I don't think so.

Look, it's time.

Says who?

Says every woman who wants to keep her man.

Melanie, look.

I know Jason and I aren't together anymore,

but we stayed as happy for as long as we did

partially because of the sex.

I mean, with all our issues,

the one thing I knew was that Jason was satisfied sexually.

Mmm. He wasn't going anywhere.

Well, I refuse to believe it's all about sex.

Okay, well, you keep refusing to believe it,

and that man gonna cheat on you

and have babies by other women.

Oh, too late.

Sorry, girl.

You're just the poster child for what not to do.

I mean, most athletes are notorious

for screwing anything that moves.

Like Rick Fox?

(laughing)

I am sure Tasha's using

every trick in the book on Rick.

Right.

Shoot. Y'all ain't got to worry about Tasha Mack, okay?

'Cause I'm Houdini up in them sheets.

Ta-dah, bitches.

Hocus-pocus, abracadabra, presto-chango.

Don't try this at home.

Don't try it. Shoot.

(pop song playing on radio)

(turns off radio) Come on, dude, hurry up.

Oh, for God's sake, she brought duct tape.

Ah! What?

Your bag was open.

God!

Hey, can I have some more of that raspberry passion lip gloss?

You know, um, speaking of raspberry,

there is a great gelato place down by the beach.

Or we could order whipped cream from room service

and I could eat it off you.

Joe.

What? What's wrong?

I thought you were ready to do this.

It's not that I'm....

(rapping on window) worried about this,

I'm just worried

about what's gonna happen after this.

What's gonna happen between us tomorrow?

(rapping) What do you mean?

It's just my life is really complicated right now.

Well, look,

it doesn't have to be.

(rapping "Shave and a Haircut")

Dude, would you chill? Oh!

Oh! Oh, my God!

Jason!

Jason... stop!

Jason!

Are you crazy? Do you want to go to jail?

Jail would be worth it for crushing his skull.

What the hell are you doing with my wife, man?!

Driving my car!

I-I thought you guys were divorced.

Is that what she told you?

We are.

Will be, soon. Practically.

Jason, what are you even doing here?

Oh, I should ask you the same thing.

You're out here looking like some trollop

with your poofy hair.

You should be home taking care of our daughter.

Whoa.

Daughter? Okay,

I-I probably should have told you about her.

Brittany is at a sleepover.

What are you even doing here?

Did you hire another private investigator?

Oh, you're damn right I did.

Tee Tee, we're all clear.

TEE TEE: Cool. Uh, think I can get the rest of my money?

Tee Tee, I'm losing you. Ten-four.

So, uh...

what-what is he, the pool guy?

Wait a minute, wait, wait. Did you hire a pool guy?

I'm a club promoter... (gasps)

I can't believe you'd disrespect me like this.

"Oh, I need the car for Brittany."

Now you got some douche bartender driving it?

Club promoter.

Dude, I will kill you.

Jason, please. Please.

Jason, come on, man, we don't want any trouble.

Look, I'm a big fan... Now,

you are this close to seeing the inside of your own ass.

Do you understand me?

Do you understand me? Jason, Jason...

What are you gonna do, beat him up?

Kill him?

They're calling the cops.

Is it really worth it to you

to lose everything?

Just go, Jason.

Fine.

Fine.

Get the hell out of my way.

What are you doing?

(engine starting) What are you doing?

I'm taking what's mine.

You two have a good night. Jason...

Jason!

(horn beeps twice)

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine!

I am so sorry.

You should be.

You could've given me the heads up

that you have some crazy stalker husband.

I told you, my life is complicated! Whatever.

Look, if you don't get that car back,

you owe me two Bon Jovi CDs.

Can we get a couple taxis?

TV ANNOUNCER: You've been watching Titanic.

Romance month continues on Platinum Cinema Classics

with The English Patient.

Oh, Titan is still my favorite movie.

It's so romantic.

(laughs): Yeah, I guess.

I mean, the guy only gets to hit once,

and then he freezes to death.

Yes.

Well, come on, Derwin, isn't it romantic?

I mean, doesn't it remind you of us?

Two people from different worlds

who get together despite the odds?

How about I hit once and then I decide?

You know, I was just telling the girls today

how even though you and I

haven't been having sex, we're still connected.

Am I wrong?

Well, if I say no, can we have sex?

No, Derwin!

Oh, come on.

All right, all right, I'm sorry.

It's just that I'm a man. Damn!

Like, why aren't we having sex?

Okay, I just don't want to end up like Kelly and Jason.

I mean, all they had in common was sex.

Now look at them.

So this is about Kelly and Jason?

Wow! I know we got a lot going on,

but we have always had a lot more in common than just sex.

Like?

Like...

like... um...

Mm-hmm? like we...

we just watched a movie together.

Mm.

We-we both live in San Diego.

We both like...

to tickle each other...

What?

You suck.

Oh, wow.

Well, you don't.

Okay.

You...

need your mouth washed out.

Okay.

That makes two of us. (gasps)

Okay, there.

Oh. Okay.

Oh!

(giggles)

Oh, you want a wet T-shirt contest!

(laughing, squealing) Okay.

Ow! God, Derwin,

my eye! Oh!

Mel, baby, I'm sorry...

Oh! (laughing)

No!

(laughing)

TV ANNOUNCER: And now, The English Patient.

(music playing on TV)

Please?

You're lucky I love you.

(exhales)

(laughing)

Mm...

What the...?

Hey, dude.

What's up?

Uh, you tell me, Jason.

What the hell is this car doing in my spot?

I don't know. It was here.

It was here when I got here.

Ooh... shiny.

Malik, can I have it?

Didn't I just buy you that slushie?

Yeah. Okay.

Be grateful. (chuckles)

(doorbell buzzes) Tell me... I don't know, man.

I-I-I was impressed, 'cause I thought maybe you...

Right.

Oh...

You-you probably shouldn't get that.

I'm-I'm just... I'm just gonna leave.

Tell me you didn't kill Kelly-- 'cause I am not

in the mood to pull an Al Cowling, Jason.

No, Kelly's fine, man.

Who's Al Cowling?

O.J.'s friend.

O.J. who?

I'm gonna need to see some ID, 'kay?

(elevator whirring) Chop chop.

A-And you... Yo...

Don't... Shh. Shh.

Evening, officers.

Evening, Mr. Wright. We're looking for Jason Pitts.

Sorry to bother you, sir, but we have

a report of a disturbance

outside the Hotel San Juan Capistrano

resulting in an assault and grand theft auto.

Yikes. I don't know.

I don't... I don't know anything about it.

The car's right there, Mr. Pitts.

(chuckles): Oh. Oh, no.

Yeah, no, I can explain that, officers. Um...

I bought my wife this car, and then, you know...

things just kind of got a little out of control.

Wait, are you guys gonna arrest him?

(forced laughter)

MALIK: Silly girl.

Finish your slushie.

Obviously, this is a misunderstanding.

Uh, look, Mr. Pitts... No.

Jason.

Really?

Come on. Absolutely.

Uh, okay.

Well, Jason, uh... (clears throat)

we're big fans of you and Malik...

Ah. Mr. Wright.

Yes. Of course. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

OFFICER: Um, you know what?

We're gonna get out of your hair,

but, seriously, just give the car back.

Yeah, these broads aren't worth it.

Who you telling? You know what, guys?

Y'all want to come to the game on Sunday?

Yeah? Yeah? We gonna have Yeah.

two tickets for y'all waiting at the box office.

And if you ever want to shoot my gun...

Uh, Tommy. I told you about that.

Sorry.

But you can.

(clicks tongue) Gotcha.

Hey, y'all be safe.

All right? "Protect and serve," man.

You're doing y'all job.

I appreciate it. Oh, that's quite a grip you got there.

Low crime rate in this area.

Dude, what the hell

is going on with you?

You seriously are becoming O.J.

Who is this O.J.?

Jason, this is some lose-your-career mess, man.

Everything you done worked hard for--

your squeaky clean image, your endorsements--

and now, what, your shoulder's strained?

Uh, no...

You gonna let a woman ruin you?

I know, brother.

I almost did the same thing messing with Robin.

But you're about to retire soon, Jason.

Do you want to go out early, man?

(radio turns on) * It's a sad reality

* When the one you love...

Sorry.

(radio turns off)

(sighs)

Man, don't go out like this.

I hear you, man.

You're... you're right, you're right.

Thank you. All right, brother.

I-I don't know how those cops knew I was here. Well...

Yeah, yeah, Tommy, I'm looking forward to shooting your gun.

I want all my money.

Wow.

Uh... Tasha, I don't think I'm feeling this.

(muffled, lisping): What? You don't think this is sexy?

No.

Come on, Rick.

I just wanted to try something new.

Why?

Well...

I was talking with the girls, and...

I don't know, I think I might have whipped out

my best sex tricks too soon.

I don't want you to get bored.

Uh, Tasha, the one thing I will never be with you is bored.

Scared, maybe.

I just know you been with so many different women--

beautiful ones, freaky ones... Uh, Tasha,

don't tell me you have Ugly Girl Syndrome.

Oh, my God. Are you saying I'm ugly?

I'm hideous. I'm an animal. Don't look at me, Rick.

Tasha, don't be crazy.

You're beautiful.

I'm just saying,

you're acting like you got that syndrome,

where you're so insecure,

you'll do anything to please your man.

Well, what do you expect?

What? You're Rick Fox.

Rick... Fox.

And you're Tasha Mack.

Tasha... Mack.

If anyone needs to step their game up, it's me.

Look, I'm not the guy everybody thinks I am.

I mean, yeah, I've had a wild life.

But the truth is, I'm tired, Tasha.

Look, now...

I just want to watch TV and cuddle and...

have lazy sex like everyone else.

In a bed.

Okay, so now I'm supposed to be the bored bitch?

No.

You're supposed to be my woman.

That's it?

That's it.

Know what?

You're right.

Shoot, I am Tasha Mack.

Tasha... Mack.

Look at all this fire and desire.

Okay, you know what?

I'm burning up, baby.

So what you gonna do about it? Hmm?

Uh, uh, um...

my toe's been in your mouth.

Oh.

I'm gonna go brush my teeth. Yeah.

(laughing)

And rinse.

Ooh!

Ooh! (growls)

(mellow pop music plays)

(door closes)

* It's a sad reality

* When the one you love

* Is gone and all the things

* That always kept you holding on *

* Are now memories...

Hey, Kel.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Have you completely lost your mind?

You could have hurt somebody, you could have been arrested,

not to mention you completely dis... The car's out...

the car's outside.

Okay?

(sets keys down)

That's all you got?

Tell your, uh, your friend that I said I'm sorry.

And that I'm keeping

his Bon Jovi CDs.

And, um, you're out of gas.

How did it get this far, Jason?

Look, Kelly, um...

I'm having a really...

really hard time let... letting you go.

Yeah, well, this is hard for me, too.

Is it?

Yes.

I'm just trying to m...

move on.

I just want to be happy.

I... (sighs)

I want you...

(sighs)

Look, as far as the custody thing goes,

I'm not gonna fight you for Brittany.

Okay?

I'm sorry. May I?

Of course.

What are these, like, two bucks a...

Never mind.

(sighs)

I would never keep Brittany from you, Jason.

She loves you.

I know.

I know she does.

And the money...

Yeah, about that-- how much were you thinking?

(laughs softly)

Whatever you think is fair.

(laughs): Kelly, you should probably pick a number.

You're probably right. Yeah, because

I will rip you off.

Yeah, you will. (laughs)

(sighs)

All right, um...

you want to give me a ride back to my place,

we can talk about the money thing?

You know your boy peed his pants a little bit.

You had him by the throat.

That's no excuse.

It's really not.

(chuckles)

*

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