Original subtitles

(knock at door)

I want...

toilet paper.

Hey, J, you don't just run up in here demanding stuff.

This my house, man...

I don't need your lip today, Ding Dong.

Oh, but you want my toilet paper.

Or not, you know, I could just

use your jersey-- I mean,

it's a little rough, but I've used it before.

What?!

Fine! I'll just get you the toilet paper.

Gear down.

Man, some people!

Run up in here demanding stuff.

So disrespectful!

You ain't getting the two-ply!

Mm-hmm.

You have to deal with that one-ply!

You understand me?

I hope you cut your ass up.

Here you go.

Oh, nice hands. You play football?

Wow,

you know what?

Y-You're too generous, you really are.

So, is there anything else you need?

Nope.

Nope. Nope.

Okay, this is getting awkward.

All right, dude, if you're gonna be all up in my business,

Kelly's attorney sent over a damn amendment

to the divorce papers.

Oh, damn!

Yeah, so besides the mil

that she's already getting from the prenup,

now she's demanding a condo in a good school district

and a hybrid sedan

with... automatic windows.

Yeah.

I ain't saying she's a gold digger, but she is!

Okay, J, a mil?

Bro, that doesn't sound too crazy to me, man.

Don't you got, like, $50 million in the bank?

You counting my money, Derwin?

No, I'm just... No, no, hey!

Somebody who walks around with

(chuckles): a hundred dollars in 20s in their wallet

doesn't need to be worrying about my money.

Okay? What?

Hmm?

The point is this, Derwin:

I have done

everything, man-- I told her I was wrong,

I gave her room to see that she was wrong.

The fact that you and I now share the same address

tells me that I have lost.

Oh, I have lost big-time.

(laughs) Okay, Jason...

Kelly knows how much money you have, all right?

And this is California, bro-- she's entitled to half of it.

And if she's not asking for that, then maybe

she's just testing the waters.

Maybe the message is, she really wants you back.

What?! No...

You think?

I mean, think about it.

If you want Kelly back, man,

fight for her.

Fight like I did for Mel.

Yes.

Yes. You feel me?

Uh-huh. You need to show Kelly how much you want her--

maybe a-a grand gesture.

Yeah. You mean, like a gift card?

Think bigger.

A gift basket.

Think like a dude with $50 million.

Oh. Oh!

Okay.

I see what you're saying.

Thank you.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

You know what, man?

Here's $20 for the talk.

Come on, J. Take it.

And here's another $20 for the toilet paper.

J, it's on the house.

Come on. You sure? Hey.

It's on the house.

All right, man. All right.

(snoring)

What the hell? Yeah,

what the hell?

If you're gonna run around with other women,

you need to be discreet.

I am, Robin.

Hey, I need to holler at my wife

real quick-- she trippin', all right?

I'm sorry, Robin Givens.

We used a condom.

Nice.

You know what, Robin? I'm in my damn house, okay?

That's discreet.

What about Philadelphia?

Houston? Tokyo?

Because this Web site says different.

I asked her not to show anybody.

Ooh! This world, man!

Malik...

my publicist is getting tired of spinning your mess.

Well, get a new publicist, Robin.

Why am I working so hard to get everybody to see us

as the perfect couple when all you want to do is wreck it?

You're the one who doesn't love me.

Now I'm working through it,

and smashing random women, that's my process.

Respect it. Malik,

it is not your process-- it's your cycle.

(chuckles): So now you're calling me a bitch?

Not your menstrual cycle, your cycle of dysfunction!

Sleeping with random women-- it's avoidance,

because you can't be alone.

(chuckling): Girl, you crazy.

I'm going back to bed.

Malik... I'm serious.

You lived with your mom for 26 years.

You moved out, but...

you had to take Tee Tee with you, you know?

Then all the constant partying and all the jet-setting.

Then you marry me to replace...

Don't say it! ...your mama.

Get out!

Honestly, Malik,

how much time have you spent alone?

A month? A week? A day? Damn it, Robin,

I'm a people person.

Don't you see that something's wrong?

Don't you think it's a little bit crazy

that you fell for me so fast?

Or actually, that wasn't all that crazy.

That was a bad example. (sighs)

I just think that maybe you've gotten to a point in your life

where... you've forgotten who you are.

Or, hey,

maybe you never knew yourself.

(groans)

Malik...

I'm not trying to hurt you.

I'm just saying that I think

maybe this whole fake marriage thing

might actually be a blessing in disguise.

How?

Well...

since you can't date,

you get to focus on yourself.

You know, just-just

chill and get in touch with who the real Malik Wright is.

You think so?

Yes.

Relax.

Meditate.

Read a b...

Listen to an audio book.

Work on that man in the mirror.

Robin, I can be alone, okay?

Okay.

Prove it-- not just to me, to yourself.

(scoffs)

No problem-- I'll prove it to the world.

I'll divorce you today.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, wait a minute.

(laughs): Nobody said anything about a divorce.

Whoa, well, hold up. What happened to focus on me?

Well, I meant it-- not just now, you know?

My publicist is really working it.

I'm making a pie with Martha Stewart tomorrow.

Thursday's gazpacho with Rachel Ray.

I'm just cornering this whole domestic mom.

It's gonna help me for that movie

that I'm up for.

And don't you do anything

to mess it up.

Robin. Hmm?

I am not about letting any woman control me.

I am not any woman.

I'm your wife.

At least for the next three to six to nine...

Well, let's just see how the movie goes.

And no more smashing random women, okay?

Okay.

Mm...

Mm-mm.

(women chatting, giggling)

I know! Thank you.

You like it, though.

Really, Tasha, why do you need

French tips with gold flakes?

Why do you need that knockoff bag?

I guess you just like the way it looks, huh?

Why are we friends again?

Melanie, valet ticket.

Oh, I self-parked.

Can't waste my money like some people around here.

Ow!

Shoot! I chipped my nail!

Mm, it'll match that chipped tooth you got.

What? You didn't even have dental insurance until you were 30.

Ah! Okay, why you want to go there?

(laughs): You want to go there?

Wow.

Must be somebody's birthday.

Okay?

(Melanie chuckles)

Miss?

Sorry, that's not mine.

JASON: It is now.

But, uh...

I also brought options.

What is all this? JASON: An apology.

A change, a... a grand gesture.

Choose one, choose 'em all.

Kelly, I don't care.

Okay? I love you.

MELANIE: Oh, my God.

You're, like Cinderella,

he's the prince, those are the coaches,

and Tasha's the ghetto stepsister with gum disease.

Oh! Pssh!

Jason, just give me my car back.

TASHA: Girl, are you crazy?

I was dreading that car pulling up.

I hope you don't mind when I say this,

but you really don't have a valet type of car.

Excuse us.

Kelly,

before you sit the primary colors

of automobile sophistication,

and if that isn't enough,

I have loaded them with Prada,

Tiffany, Rolex, Gucci--

and not outlet-mall Gucci,

mall-mall Gucci.

Mall-mall?

You paid full price?

(whispers): Oh, yes!

Ooh-ee! JASON: Kell, this

I should have been giving you all along.

And if this isn't enough to prove how serious I am,

I don't want to take any more chances.

You remember my attorney, Morris?

Afternoon, Kelly.

Jason has transferred the sizable amount of $5 million

into a personal account into your name,

accessible as of this morning.

No strings attached. I recommended strings.

Trust is what the therapist said we needed, right?

Limitless trust. So as for the prenup...

Gone!

MORRIS: It actually has been dissolved in the proper legal manner.

He just wanted the prop for dramatic effect.

It was nice, right?

(chuckles): Kell...

all the things that held us back,

they don't exist anymore.

I appreciate the gesture, Jason, but it's too late.

I'm still going through with the divorce.

Kelly, please don't do this. Jason...

this isn't about money-- it's about you

always trying to control me. No. I'm giving you control

by giving you the money-- that's what I'm doing.

No, you're trying to drag me back

with money; it's still control.

I want to leave, and you can't let that happen.

Tell me what to do to prove I love you,

Kelly, 'cause I'm really trying here.

You just need to stop, Jason.

Just get it through your head-- it's over.

This ain't no five mil!

It's only four point nine nine.

Are you sure? Bitch,

you think this the first time I've seen five mil on the table?

I could've eyeballed this.

Med School?

(exhales)

Okay! God!

Fine! Melanie?!

What? I'm tired of knock-offs.

You guys throw around money like it's nothing.

And now you've got it piled up

on the table taunting me.

No one considers my feelings, you know?

"Hi, Melanie, how's life?

Want a Birkin bag?" No.

Instead, we go to all

these fancy restaurants and we split the bill.

Stingy heifers.

See?

I warned you about having poor friends.

So, now, what you gonna do with all this money?

'Cause I got some old friends that could flip it.

No, Tasha.

I don't even want the money.

What do you mean you don't want this money?

Girl, after everything that man has put you through--

stale bread,

dark meat, family packs, two-for-one coupons--

honey, this is the grail.

You won.

This isn't winning.

So I spend the money-- then what?

It's not gonna bring my family back together.

No, but it could buy you a new one.

A dozen families,

if you don't mind Haitians.

I don't want a new family!

I don't know what I want.

Well, Kelly, if you don't know what you want,

then why are you rushing into this divorce?

You think I'm rushing?

Look, Kelly, I've been going

through the same thing with Derwin.

I mean, I've been thinking,

should I be with him,

should I be with McHottie,

can I deal with this baby?

But then I realize

the world isn't black and white.

You know? So, Derwin and I,

we've been doing this checking-in thing.

Which I think it's great, because it's giving me time

to figure out what I want without losing

the most important thing to me, which is Derwin.

I think.

We'll see.

Med School's right.

You should just string Jason's ass along,

spend his money, while you whore around with other guys

until you can figure out what you really want.

What? That's not what I'm doing!

Oh, that's right, Derwin ain't got no money.

Maybe you're right.

No, I am right. Have you seen his apartment?

No, you're not right. Melanie is right.

I need to take some time

to think about this whole thing.

I want to be sure before I just

throw ten years of marriage away.

Thank you, Melanie.

You're welcome.

Ow!

Against my advisement,

the money transferred to Mrs. Pitts several days ago

has been transferred back to Mr. Pitts' account.

(chuckles): Yes! KELLY:

It's not about the money.

KELLY: And I have a surprise.

Laura, tell him the surprise.

Okay, again, against my advisement,

Mrs. Pitts would like to retract her petition for divorce

and instead opt for legal separation.

Surprise!

Morris, I think you just tore up my surprise.

Mr. Pitts would rather negotiate

the original divorce petition.

He asked that I tear up the documents for dramatic effect.

It's his thing now.

No, you don't get it. LAURA: He gets it.

Jason, I'm saying I don't want a divorce.

I thought about it.

I even thought about praying about it.

And I just don't want to rush into anything.

I don't want to throw away ten years of marriage

without thinking it through.

(phone vibrating) Oh.

Excuse me.

Oh.

(chuckles): It's from... Jason.

Quote,

"You had your chance to work this out,

"but you loved seeing me in the street

"begging and pleading,

"disrespected by your family,

"willing to throw away

"everything that I've worked for,

everything that I am."

Oh, that-that's a good one.

"You think you're the only one

"who can be over this marriage?

Kelly, I'm done with you."

End quote.

Since Mr. Pitts will be transitioning

out of football soon,

and Mrs. Pitts will be working full-time,

we feel it would be in their child's best interest

that Mr. Pitts be granted full custody.

What?

There's no way.

You'll never take Brittany away from me.

Do you hear me?

LAURA: It's gonna be next to impossible

to find a judge who's willing

to tear a little girl away from her mother.

I'd say he'd have a good shot if we prove infidelity.

Me? Cheating?

You're the trash who has whores running around your apartment,

when you're supposed to be taking care of your daughter!

Well, Counselor?

Does your client have irrefutable proof

of infidelity, like...

mine does?

You bastard.

We believe his name's...

(sighs)

..."Joe."

That was after his thing.

Brittany was there.

That's my proof.

You'd drag that poor child into court

to testify against her own father?

My client needs a minute.

Take two.

(crying)

Kelly...

Kelly... No, it's not gonna happen.

I'm not gonna lose my baby, right?

Divorce is ugly, and...

they're pulling out the big guns.

I'm sorry, but what are you willing to do?

Mm-mm-mm. Take this, partner.

Thank you, buddy.

All right, I am sitting here with the quarterback

of the world champion San Diego Sabers, Malik Wright.

Uh, you know what, man? Call me 'Lik-'Lik.

(laughs): Why would I do that?

I don't know, it sounds cool. It doesn't.

You know what? I ain't got time for this, man.

Take-take this mike off me. DIRECTOR: Cut!

Bet you didn't treat Tom Brady like this. Come on.

DIRECTOR: Action!

Okay, I am sitting here

with the quarterback of the world champion

San Diego Sabers, Malik Wright.

Malik, tell me about the championship game.

(sighs): Kevin... it was when I crossed over

from being extraordinary... to super-duper extraordinary.

I looked into the eyes

of my fans, my teammates and my coaches,

and I saw they wanted victory.

Mwa!

And I gave it to 'em.

Pretty simple.

You know, Malik, nothing you do is that simple.

For instance, marrying Robin Givens.

You had to know that was gonna create a lot of controversy.

You know what, Kevin? It's like my mama says:

"You point one finger, and five point back at you."

Um, three point back at you, Malik.

So you're gonna be in my house dogging my mama?

I'm not talking

about your mama. Okay, good.

The point is, Kevin,

Robin is a real sweet and funny and caring woman.

You know what, that's good to hear.

So, then, all those rumors early on

about your marriage being a fake are untrue?

Well... (mumbles)

What? Nothing. Nothing, Kevin.

Go on to the next question, man.

Okay, I see your bio says that, uh, rapping is...

Aw, Lord! Okay, Kevin, damn!

You twisted my arm, man, you got me-- you're good! Huh?

Huh?

(exhales) I've been meditating.

Getting my ying-yang right, and...

things have become clear to me.

Like... like Malik Wright doesn't get run by anybody,

no matter how you wrap it.

What the hell are you talking about?

Robin and me.

We pulled a Nick and Mariah, okay?

Jumping the broom was nothing but a publicity stunt.

We... we did it 'cause she needed to relaunch her career

and... and I was looking out for her.

Finally, something I can use.

Okay, what's next for the two of you?

(sigh)

Well... not everything is out.

I...

I think it's time we move on.

All right, now, Kevin,

I'm done answering questions, man.

You can leave now.

What? What are you talking about?

You called me!

Wha...? Kevin...

I am good to be by myself, okay?

Now, I feel the need to be alone, Kevin. Now, go.

This would've never happened if Mary Hart was here.

I'm done with you.

DIRECTOR: Cut!

JASON: At first I was gonna send her a gift basket.

(Morris and Jason laugh)

A fruit basket instead!

Day-old fruit.

Well?

My client has decided not only will she maintain

full custody of her daughter,

but instead of the $5 million offer,

she'd like $30 million.

(Morris and Jason laugh)

Mm-hmm,

mm-hmm, and perhaps she'd also like

one of the monkeys that's about to fly out of my butt.

(Morris and Jason laughing)

She'll pass on the butt monkeys.

What makes you and your client

think you can even ask for this?

Kelly?

One word.

"Steroids."

(Morris laughing)

Dude, tell me you didn't do steroids.

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