Original subtitles

MALIK: Mama? Mm-hmm?

Ma... I'm fixing up some wings.

You get your hot 'Bama sauce in yet?

Just came in today.

All right! Mm!

That's what I'm talking about, baby!

Ooh, extra spicy?

Dang, Ma, that outfit is dope.

Ah! You wearing

one of them miracle bras?

Now, baby, you know Mama don't need no miracles.

(both laughing)

Give me one of these.

You going on a date with Rick?

Not tonight.

(clears throat)

Hey, what's up?

Yo, I know you from somewhere.

Yeah, "Sign for this."

"You've got a lot of sneakers today."

Oh, yeah, you the delivery dude!

What's up, man? Hey, what's happening, man?

Claude Jenkins, man. Pleasure to meet you.

Claude Jenkins. You working kind of late, ain't you, brother?

And where your little short shorts at?

(both laugh)

The only delivery I'm making tonight is to your mama.

You better be talking about some sneakers.

Uh, Claude, look, why don't you wait for me outside.

Let me holla at my baby right quick.

All right, cool, baby. I'll be in the truck. All right.

Yeah, Claude, go on to the truck.

Mama, you going out in a big-ass brown truck?

What happened to Rick? Did y'all break up?

No! Look, I'm just hedging my bet.

I can't be all in, Malik.

I don't want to go through another heartbreak like I did with Coach T.

Okay, but, Mama, come on now, the delivery dude?

Ain't you going to be embarrassed? Hey, look,

Claude may not be rich,

but he's a good man, and he ain't going nowhere.

Unless there's a package to deliver.

(laughs) Mama, you can have any man you want,

and he'll be proud to be with you.

I know, Malik,

but I'm still going to go out with Claude.

Look, he thinks I'm too good for him,

and I appreciate that.

All right?

And besides, look,

I need me some fallback plans, okay?

I can't just be all in.

Hell, I'd be a damn fool if I didn't protect myself.

Cause what, I'm dating Rick Fox?

Rick... Fox?

And you know that

can go sideways in a hot minute.

(truck engine starts)

Ooh, that's my ride.

Mama got to bounce!

*

I can't believe I went on a paper napkin date in a damn truck.

Why you heifers didn't stop me?

Um, hello? We tried,

but you said men in uniforms turned you on.

Are short shorts really a uniform?

Mm. They are at Hot Dog on a Stick.

(laughing) (mocking laugh)

Oh, go on, laugh it up, you bootleg Queens of Comedy.

Look, I got to go.

I have a busy night ahead.

You did not double-book us!

Correction: triple-book.

I've got cocktails with you guys;

McHottie's birthday party, drinks and cake;

and then I'm meeting Derwin for desserts and board games.

Ah, so you use us for dinner, then you sneak off for ho'ing,

and then some late-night ho'ing.

All these labels.

Just because a person's dating two different guys

doesn't make them a ho.

Or does it, Tasha?

Ho, we talking about you.

The new Melanie doesn't have a problem

dating more than one guy at a time, okay?

The new Melanie is in control.

The new Melanie is running these boys.

And the new Melanie has to go, 'cause she's late.

But if you guys want to come with me to McHottie's party,

the new Melanie would love it.

Oh, well, tell the new Melanie we already have some plans.

Yeah, the old "Kelly and Tasha

don't flake on their friends" kind of plans.

Mm-hmm.

All right, well, then suit yourself.

The new Melanie says, "deuces."

Look like the new Melanie's pants

come off kinda easy.

Yeah, I'm thinking the new Melanie is a slut.

(laughter) (phone ringing)

Hello?

Hi, Mommy. I miss you.

It sucks here, and it smells like corn chips and feet.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Look, I know you're mad at your daddy,

but it's his turn to be with you, so you got to stay.

But, Mommy, I...

Sweetie, it's only one more day.

Bye.

Bye.

All right, I got your bed

all nice and cozy, co... zy.

Brittany.

(sighs)

Brit.

Brit-Brat.

Let's-let's do something.

Oh, want to make a four-cheese pizza?

Mommy says that stuff's bad for me.

My hips will spread and I'll be forced

to wear elastic waist pants.

Oh, she's right. It's true.

Okay... Ooh, how about I let you stay up late?

You can watch your favorite show, Mad Money.

It's not my favorite show. It's yours. Come on, Brittany.

There's got to be something you want to do.

I don't want to do anything with you, ¿comprende?

Oh, okay. Oh, you're going to sass me in a foreign language?

Okay, how about this, how about you take a time-o-out-o?

You comprende that, señorita?

I'm too old for time-outs.

Not in mi casa.

You know what? Go to your room.

I don't have a room, and neither do you.

Then go to your pallet. You can't tell me what to do. You're a liar.

You promised me you wouldn't get a divorce.

I hate you!

Brittany, get...

One, two, three!

Happy birthday to me!

Yeah!

(whooping)

(people clapping)

Oh, God. I'm on call.

I think I'm going to go.

What?

I think I'm going to go.

No, no, you can't go. This is my birthday.

I haven't got my birthday present yet.

Okay.

There, happy birthday.

Sorry it wasn't wrapped. (clicking tongue)

(hip-hop playing)

Hey. What are you guys

doing here?

Uh, Tasha's boring.

I'm not boring, bitch. I'll kill you.

Third time tonight she's threatened me.

TASHA: Okay, you counting?

Bitch, I'll kill you.

Well, I hate to break up the love-fest,

but I got to go.

Date number three.

Deuces.

Deuces?

I should kill her.

Come on. Let's go get a drink. Okay.

(giggling)

What are you doing?

Couldn't let you leave.

Please, you can have any woman in here.

Yeah, I know, but I only want you.

Come on, are you gonna make the birthday boy beg?

(giggling)

You are so sexy.

Wait, wait! What?

This is a public restroom, okay?

And there are germs everywhere, and people.

(giggling)

And-and-and they're all out of toilet paper.

Since when do you care what people think?

I don't. I just thought somebody

might really have to go.

Oh, God!

I am proud of new Melanie.

You can learn a thing or two from her, old Tasha.

TASHA: Bitch! Ow!

What is Rick doing here?!

His lying ass told me

he was going to John Mayer's house to play Jenga.

You know them sneaky-ass Canadians

got to all stick together. Do you want me

to hold your earrings so you can 'cause a scene?

No! Girl, please, I'm cool.

See, this is why I went out with Claude.

(laughs): You know what,

I ain't even mad.

I'm glad I got me some fallback plans.

Pretty Ricky don't know who he messing with.

Girl, I make one call to Pookie,

and that bastard gonna be history.

(sobbing): Oh, God!

He's going to leave me!

He's going to leave me!

Okay, Tasha, let's go. Come on.

Emergency heartbreak! Excuse me!

Y'all just going to have to wait. Excuse me!

Oh, my God, is she crying?

Are you taking a ho bath?

Why, Rick, why?!

Wh-What happened?

And I'm just freshening up.

She saw Rick out there.

And, please, I know toilet sex when I see it.

God, I miss those days.

I'm never going to be able to have toilet sex with Rick.

He too big anyway.

I mean, unless we use the handicap stall...

and a ladder.

(sobbing): Oh, Lord!

I am sure there's a perfectly good explanation

for why he's here, but in the off chance

that he is seeing another woman, it's no big deal, right?

I mean, you're seeing another man.

Melanie's seeing two people.

It's just the way people roll in the double-O's.

(gasps): Oh, my God!

Ah! Derwin! I got to go.

You are not going to Derwin reeking of McHottie. Ew!

Derwin and I are just gonna play board games.

Ooh, Rick used to love him some damn Jenga.

Sure, it starts with Jenga, then it's strip Jenga...

then it's just strip,

and then the Jenga pieces end up in places

you don't even want to know.

Ooh, Lord, Rick used to love those places!

(groans) Brittany Olive Pitts,

you don't come out of there right now,

I'm gonna break this door down.

And risk your security deposit?

I don't think so.

(knocking "Shave and a Haircut")

Yo, J, what up, man? It's Derwin.

Hey, what's up, ashy knuckles?

Man, you have an egg timer?

Me and Melanie are having game night.

Have you met me?

All I got is a sassy little daughter locked in the bathroom.

Oh, word?

Yo, Brit-Pitt!

Yo, Double-D!

Do me a favor?

If you see my dad, tell him he sucks.

Yo, uh... I'm well aware.

I am well aware. Um, yeah,

but me and Mel are hav... (cell phone ringing)

Excuse me.

Hey, what up?

Hey, Derwin, um, look, I am really tired

and I-I don't think I'm going to be able to make it tonight.

What?!

Mel, this is your only night off!

I know, Derwin, but I'm just...

Baby, I have been doing everything you asked me to.

I have been checking in. I've been following your rules.

You already cut Tuesday.

Come on, Mel...

you promised.

Okay, okay, Derwin, fine. Fine, okay?

But... I-I'm coming over, but just for an hour, that's it.

Okay, cool. That's what's up!

A'ight. Big dawg, I got to bounce, man,

but are you gonna be cool?

Yeah, I'll be fine-- I'll just use

the kitchen sink if I got to go.

What?! J, I know you're not gonna leave her in there.

What? Her mom'll be here tomorrow.

She's got water in there.

Yeah, what kind of dad...

I'm tired of dealing with it.

Every time I say something, the head's moving,

the eyes are rolling, she's giving me backtalk.

I feel like I'm raising Tasha.

Wow. Okay, J, listen, man.

she is a little girl, all right?

And this whole divorce thing is scary for her.

Bro, she's just looking to you to show her what's up, man,

but if you blow her off now,

like she probably thinks you did Kelly,

then you are gonna be the first in a long line of men

she lets do that to her.

Damn, man.

Yeah.

Thank God, I'm having a boy!

Yeah. Well, unless he's gay.

Yo, Rick, thanks for meeting me here, dawg.

Hey, no problem.

I see you got your mom's tardiness.

You know what, man, leave my mama out of this.

Let me get straight to it, Rick.

What are your intentions with my mother?

Well, I...

Yeah, whatever, man.

You need to know one thing: she is not

to be messed over, do you hear me, Rick?

Yeah. I... Yeah, good.

'Cause we all know you're curly-hair pretty boy to NBA,

Rick Fox.

But if you hurt my mama, dawg, I will kill you.

(laughs)

Boy, you really are Tasha's son.

Malik...

(chuckles)

Malik...

I have no intentions of hurting your mother.

As a matter of fact...

I'm in love with her.

Oh.

Well, in that case, buy me a drink, dawg.

Give me some dap, man.

You got all this unnecessary tension

between us right now, man.

Look at you. Yeah.

You're giving me a migraine.

Brit-Brat...

we got to talk.

Come on. Brittany...

Look...

I'm really trying here.

We got to...

We got to learn to communicate.

Why don't you just go talk to your girlfriend?

Is that what this is about?

Look, Brittany, I'm sorry

about what happened when you and Mommy came over.

I'm sorry you had to see that woman. I know...

this must be really hard on you.

I know there's a lot of stuff going on

that you don't understand,

and to tell you the truth,

I don't understand it either.

But that's why we're gonna need each other, you know?

So we can figure this out together.

I don't want you and Mommy to break up.

I know, baby.

Neither do I.

But your mom is extremely mad

at me right now and...

I can't blame her.

I mean...

I made some big mistakes, and I am sorry.

Okay? You gotta believe me.

I'm trying really hard to give your mom some space,

hoping if I do that, then she'll come back around.

Mm, I don't know, Mommy's a tough cookie.

Yeah, you're right.

How about you?

Think you might come around?

I'd come around a lot faster if you'd buy me something.

(laughs)

Yeah. You know what?

You'll be lucky if I buy you anything ever again,

after the way you acted today.

Maybe if you bought Mommy something, she'll take you back.

Oh, so, the McMansion, the cars, the food, not enough?

Obviously not. I'm sleeping on a pallet.

This...

Point taken.

Listen, if you get any more ideas, you tell me.

Okay? We can work together on this like a team.

Deal?

Deal.

Bring it in.

(electric guitar playing blues)

Hey, sexy. (hiccups)

What are you doing here?

Look, I gave you my key for emergencies,

not for you to be using all willy-nilly.

I didn't want to wait another second

to tell you that I love you.

That's bull!

And, Rick,

don't give me that look.

Okay? 'Cause I saw you at Bar Au Naturel.

Yeah, I went to get something to eat, then I came here.

What, at the freaking club?!

Come on, Rick.

You were there to pick up girls.

Huh? Oh, admit it.

'Cause you're Rick freaking Fox, right?

You know what? Fine.

I went to meet Malik.

Malik who?

Malik. Your son.

That's it.

Call him.

Damn right I'm gonna call him.

You gonna lie!

Hell, I've been lying since I was two years old.

What the hell you talking about?

(phone ringing)

Talk to me.

Malik,

were you at Bar Au Naturel tonight with Rick?

Yeah, Ma.

I asked him to meet me there.

We had a little talk about you.

Will you stop sucking on them damn wings

and tell me why you all up in my damn business?

Mom, I talked to Rick because I love you

and I don't want you to get hurt, and I don't want you

in the back of no more delivery trucks, now.

Okay?

Rick's a good one. He said he loved you.

For real?

Yeah. That's what he told me.

He did?

Yeah, that's what he said, Ma.

And I think he's telling the truth.

Now, don't blow this, okay, Mama?

This is Rick Fox-- Rick Fox.

Okay, okay, I won't, baby.

Ooh.

(whispers): Call Pookie. Tell him it's off.

What?!

Just do it!

Wh-What are you talking about?

Just hurry up, okay? Tell him he can just keep the upfront money.

Rick, look,

all of this, all this is new to me,

but, uh, look, I just been through so much mess with men...

Tasha, come here, come here, come here.

Look... enough.

Look, I'm not all those other men, okay?

I'm your man.

And I love you.

I love you, too, Daddy.

Ah! I win!

Damn! Ha-ha!

Come on, Derwin, for a three-minute word game,

this is taking hours.

(sighs): Baby, that's what happens when you don't have a timer.

Come on, let's go one more. I'll beat... No, Derwin, I can't.

I mean, it's late, and I have class in the morning.

But I'm glad I came. It was fun.

Whoa! Wh... Mel, hold, hold on.

I got something for you.

Okay. You remember... back at school,

we used to always be at Ernie's on Beaver Street?

Are you kidding me? Mm-hmm.

They had, like, the best

cheesesteak sandwiches in the world.

I know, they were so good. Bam!

Oh, my God.

It is not!

Oh, baby, it is!

Just like you like it.

Happy anniversary.

What?

Anniversary?

Yeah, y-you remember?

It was November 28, 2002, pouring rain.

You and I had just finished studying.

We walked over to Ernie's to get something to eat,

and we got stuck there till, like, 3:00 in the morning.

(chuckles): And then we went back to your dorm room.

Both of us were soaking wet.

You started to take off your sweatshirt,

and I said I'd step outside, and you said I didn't have to.

And that's when I was, like, "Aw, sooky, sooky!"

You remembered our sex-iversary?

Yeah, Mel.

The first time we ever did it.

(laughs): Oh, my God.

Derwin, I can't believe you.

Oh, yeah. Believe this.

Oh, yes.

(laughs)

Oh... glow-in-the-dark condoms.

Hell, yeah.

We stole them from your roommate, remember?

Yeah and nine months later, she named her baby after me.

Wow.

Man.

You know, Mel, I know we can't go back,

but I thought we could at least visit for a minute.

(voice breaking): Oh, Derwin.

(laughs): God.

Wait, wait, wait, Derwin.

I don't want to confuse this moment with sex.

I promise you, Mel, there is no confusion on my part.

Baby...

I love you so much.

You have no idea how much I missed you.

(both moaning)

Wait, wait. Derwin, can we What?

at least do this in the shower? Baby,

I am gonna loofa you so good.

Okay.

(both moaning)

I can't!

What? Baby, don't fight it-- it's stronger

than both of us. No, Derwin,

I can't do this, because I love you.

And I love you, too, Mel, but... No, Derwin,

put me down, okay? Put me down! Why? I mean...

Ow, Mel! Damn!

You don't have to bite me. What's wrong?

Derwin, I'm sorry.

Okay? I'm sorry. I just...

I don't want to rush into this because we're all...

hyped over Philly cheese.

Wh-Wha...

(laughs): Melanie, what are you talking about?

Derwin, it's-it's...

it's been a long night, okay, and I'm just, I'm overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed about everything,

everything that's happened.

I'm just... Yeah, no, no, no.

Shh, shh, shh, shh. Yeah, yeah.

Baby, I'm sorry, I-I got carried away, okay?

I know we started doing the whole checking-in thing

and... damn, here I am pressuring you.

I'm sorry.

I'll just... I'll just keep checking in.

Will you forgive me?

Just... just tell me you forgive me, please?

No, yeah. Yeah, I forgive you.

(whispers): Okay. Yeah.

Thanks for understanding, Derwin.

Yeah, Mel, baby, whatever you want.

I am so sorry.

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