Original subtitles

("L.E.S. Artistes" by Santigold playing)

* What I'm searching for

* To tell it straight, I'm trying to build a wall *

* Walking by myself

Doctors.

ALL: Doctor.

* If you see me, keep going

Hmm. Good night, Doctor.

Good night, Doctor.

* Just leave me out, you name-dropper *

* Stop trying to catch my eye

* I see you good, you forced faker *

Doctor.

Doctor.

* You fast talker

* I can say I hope it will be... *

Afternoon, beautiful.

Mind if a couple of my friends check you out?

If I had a dime for every time a man asked me that,

the '70s wouldn't have been so bad.

(chuckles)

These are my students.

Mr. Plummer, you first.

Please, present. (clears throat)

Uh, African-American female, age...

Fifty-eight.

Ten years ago.

Admitted for abdominal pain,

stinging and tingling.

Caisson disease.

Let him finish.

Uh, pain around the lower chest and back.

Caisson disease.

Ms. Bhar, please.

Uh, symptoms have been treated with oxygen.

McHOTTIE: Okay.

Diagnosis.

Caisson disease.

Ms. Barnett, correct.

(chuckles)

How about drawing some blood for us?

Sure, Doctor.

Do you know what you're doing?

Of course.

I'm wearing a white coat.

So does the chef at Olive Garden.

(chuckling)

Okay...

This may sting a little.

(gasps) Ow!

Okay, playtime over.

Let the Indian do it.

Excuse me.

A doctor is someone who takes the time

to make sure the patient is

comfortable and secure

in the fact that we know what we're doing.

Sorry.

"Sorry" doesn't cut it, Ms. Barnett.

This is the first time I messed up.

And how many times messing up

do you think it takes to kill a patient?

(students chuckle)

One time.

That's what I mean about affirmative action.

Ms. Barnett...

How could you embarrass me like that?

Embarrass you? Yeah.

This is not a high school cafeteria,

this is a hospital.

I-I'm trying to turn you into a good doctor. But...

(whispers): I held your pee-pee.

Yes.

And I appreciate it.

Come on, Melanie.

You know you can't confuse what we've been doing

the last few weeks with what we do in there.

Pull yourself together, okay?

And, uh, if you ever run out

on one of my teaching sessions again,

don't bother coming back.

That's why I put mayo on both pieces of bread, so--

What's up, Butch?-- so the sandwich

sticks together. No, dude, you got to put the mayo

on the left side of the bread with the tomatoes.

Yo, what up, fellas?

...on the same side as the mayo.

And basically, what you do...

No, but then you have to make...

What about the mayo-- Don't!

What the hell, Ding Dong?!

You tell me what the hell, Malik.

Hey, free towels.

Nice.

Yo, why is everyone avoiding me?

All right, you know what?

Break it down for him, J.

But be gentle.

JASON: All right, how do I put this?

You're like that girl at the club

that you hit when you're drunk,

and then you wake up the next morning

and you feel disgusted with yourself,

and you hope nobody ever finds out about it. Yeah.

What?! Dawg,

your knee is the ugly girl in the club

that don't nobody want to know.

Okay? All right?

Now, we're rooting for you. Now, go on, all right?

Nah, man, this is wack.

The team bails on me, Irv won't take my calls.

Whoa, what you mean he won't take your calls?

You ain't his bitch; he work for you.

That's right, he does, he does work for me.

Yeah. Works for J now, too.

Hey, J, could you get him on the phone for me?

Yeah. No, no, no. Hell, nah, boy!

Nah, you get the dirty little ten percenter on the phone,

and you make him show you the money.

Make him come to you!

Ten percent?

Yo, I give him 15.

(chuckles)

J...

Six.

What?

Ah, hell, no.

How you work that out?

This is Derwin Davis.

Don't you hang up on me.

You tell Irv this: He better be at my house

tonight at 7:00 sharp.

If he's a minute late, I'm getting a new manager.

Tell him he should bring him dinner. That's right.

Yeah, yeah, tell him to bring you dinner.

Yeah, yeah, and I want mu shu pork for dinner.

How is that offensive?

Oh.

Uh, then brisket's fine.

(monitor beeping steadily)

(knocking on door)

Hey, hey.

It's your favorite chef.

Nope.

Ms. Leola will take an Asian,

an Indian or a Jewish doctor.

You have pushed our people to the back of the line.

Okay, look, I don't know what happened.

I've been doing my thing around here lately,

but I just felt a little distracted.

Uh-oh.

What's his name?

What? (chuckles)

You think all these wrinkles come from age?

Mm-mm.

Martin, Malcolm,

Jesse, Jesse, Jesse.

Ooh, I should've cut his nuts off.

(laughs)

Okay, fine.

Derwin.

I knew it! Yeah.

We had an awful ending two months ago.

Mm-hmm.

Well, actually, that was the second ending.

The first was last year when he cheated.

Oh, he's a dog, just like Jesse.

Oh. No.

He's not a dog. (chuckles)

Well, then why did you break up?

Uh, well,

he actually got another woman pregnant.

You're not familiar with the term "dog," are you?

(both laugh)

Well, you know,

we weren't together when it happened. Mm-hmm.

He's actually really sweet and funny

and corny.

(both chuckle)

He's Derwin.

He's trying to do the right thing

for this girl and this baby,

which I still don't think is his,

but I had to move on.

And guess what?

You and I are done.

You got all that blood?

I didn't even feel it.

Yeah?

Told you I've been doing my thing around here lately.

(chuckles)

I just... I don't know.

Just... had a moment.

Mm... Yeah.

Oh, and, um, nice hair.

Oh, we try.

(laughs)

(knocking on door)

That's what I'm talking about.

Right on time, Irv!

Irv, my man!

I heard you wanted to talk.

So talk.

Whoa, Tasha, where's Irv?

Irv is busy!

Damn.

Well, at least you brought dinner.

This ain't for you.

Okay, now, let's hurry up

and talk before my mu shu get cold.

W-Wait, so Irv just blew me off?

He blew The Kid off? Yo, hell, no!

Derwin, look, you're a client, I'm a manager.

You're having a problem, let's just be professional and talk.

Okay?

You got some soy sauce around here?

Hey, Tasha, I don't know what's going on,

but I am killing myself to get my knee back.

Soy sauce.

Dang.

(grunts) Thank you.

Now, listen,

I have been killing myself

to try and get my knee back, but do the Sabers care?

Tasha, I need Irv to step in, but he's not

taking any of my calls.

Now he's trying to pawn me off on the second string.

(grunts) I'm just saying,

I thought Irv cared about me.

Cared?

Look, Negro, your stock has dropped, okay?

And this is a business.

Look, the people that make money off you,

they don't care about your ass, Derwin.

All right? Now, you may not

think much of my skills as a manager,

but I always made sure that Malik knew

how to separate business from personal.

(sucks teeth)

Now, if you will excuse me, I like to eat alone.

Go on, now.

(chuckles)

Hey, Tasha, this is my house.

Well, you got some other rooms

around here somewhere, don't you?

(blues music playing)

(Derwin sighing heavily)

Yo. Hey.

Uh, were you sleeping?

Nah, I was just thinking.

You know... Uh, come in.

Come in.

Uh, oh, uh...

Janay, I'm sorry I couldn't make the, uh, baby appointment.

Just going through some...

It's cool.

I know you had rehab.

But, um, Derwin, why do you look like hell?

And what is with this depressing-ass music?

(sighs)

What if I can't play football again?

(sighs)

Not this again.

Okay, look, Derwin...

(turns off music)

(scoffs)

What if gas prices keep going up?

What if there's an earthquake?

What if my water breaks

and a little alien baby crawls out of my crotch?

I mean, we can "what if" all day.

Janay, you don't understand.

Everybody's bailing on me.

Hey, I'm not bailing on you.

Clearly, I can't.

And, uh, you're not bailing on me.

Or your son.

Did you say "son"?

Yes.

They were able to tell today.

A son.

Yo, is that his...?

Wow!

Yeah, that's my boy.

That's my boy.

Hey.

Hey, Bubble Yum Young.

Hey, listen.

Okay, your daddy's been knocked off his game, okay?

But I'll be back.

And I'm coming back on fire.

You understand?

It's gonna be because of you, little man.

It's gonna be all because of you!

Little 81, that's my son!

That's your son.

That's my boy.

Oh, come on, Melanie.

You're not still mad at me, are you?

I'm just doing my job.

Well, maybe you can make it up to me later on

at your place tonight.

Ah, I-I can't.

I got-I got plans with Daphne.

The nurse with the big ass?

Yeah.

Why?

Melanie, you didn't,

you didn't think we were exclusive?

No.

Oh, okay.

(hushed): Well, yes.

We've been sleeping together for three weeks.

I held your pee-pee.

Would you stop saying that?

Look, we've been having a little sex.

You seen all the hospital shows.

You know how that goes.

Yeah, it's like hedonism around here.

Yeah, exactly. It's great.

We're too busy to have real relationships.

We'll be lucky to find somebody when we're... dead.

You know it's true.

Yeah.

Yeah. What was I thinking?

Mm. I'll call you later.

Oh, and, uh,

when you're done with that chart,

make sure to run it past Ms. Bhar.

She said you keep misspelling "hemoglobin."

(sniffles)

(crying softly)

Mm-mm!

The drama in here.

Oh, my God.

(sniffles)

You're awake?

God, this is so embarrassing.

Oh, I take it from the tears

there's not gonna be a part two to that lust session.

You heard him.

He has plans with Nurse Big Ass.

You know, and-and it's not even

the good kind of big.

It's flabby drinker's booty.

If we're not exclusive, then I pass.

I'm not having people whispering that I'm just one of the women

he's sleeping with.

No, thank you.

Oh.

So, you're a side-part under.

Excuse me?

Oh, you know how we black women do.

Part our hair on the side then curl it under.

Been clinging to it

since the hot comb was invented.

It's safe and reliable,

and no one's ever gonna comment on it.

It screams, "Oh, please,

"don't look at me.

I'm too scared to change my hairstyle, let alone live."

Oh, I'm not scared to live, okay?

You just caught me on an off day.

(scoffs)

I just carried on a secret three-week affair

with my supervisor,

and I've slept with four men in one year.

(chuckles)

I'm wild. Ooh!

Hooray.

Your crotch isn't a side-part under.

Honey, it-it's more than sex.

It's an attitude.

It's, ooh, it's a way of life.

Three years ago, I had an epiphany and appendicitis.

And while I was on that hospital bed,

I saw a white light.

You had a near-death experience?

No, the doctor had one of those stupid lights in my face.

Will you let me tell the story, girl?

Sorry.

Anyway...

it gave me a chance to take stock of all the things

that I hadn't done because I was too busy listening

to what everybody else thought.

I wanted to go to Brazil,

but all my friends said

a single woman can't travel by herself.

It's not safe.

I wanted to sell my car

and buy a motorcycle,

but then everybody would call me a lesbian.

Which...

brings me to my third thing.

I always wanted to kiss a girl.

Oh, now don't give me that look.

You went to college.

Yeah... but I-I had a boyfriend.

Oh, sure.

(clucks tongue)

We all did.

(both laugh)

But I decided there on that table

that I was done with caring about

what everybody else thought.

Mm-mm.

No more side-part under.

No more being afraid to live.

I bought that motorcycle.

I have been to Brazil.

And, hell, I got a Brazilian.

(both laugh)

Good for you.

Damn right it's good for me.

(chuckles)

Now, what about you?

What do you want to do?

Well, you know, I mean, after you empty my bedpan?

(both laugh)

I mean... I don't know.

I guess I have to think about...

Now, now, now, see? That's your problem.

You got to stop thinking and start doing.

Listen, honey, if you want to keep on screwing

that Dr. Huxtable, do it.

Mm-hmm. And if you want

to go back to that baby-making ballplayer,

hey, that's all right, too.

Hell, if you want to kiss me, kiss me.

(laughs)

I won't tell.

Uh, why don't I just take out your bedpan?

Okay, it's your loss.

(laughs)

Oh, and, um...

I like that one the best.

(laughs)

(laughs) No. Yeah.

I'm just saying I wouldn't do it, I would not stop.

What do you mean, you wouldn't stop at a car crash?

Why bother? We're just gonna see 'em

when we get to work.

You know, you're such an ass.

(chuckles)

Oh, hey, I got to go.

Check, please?

I was gonna feed you first,

but, okay, let's get back to my place.

No.

Not tonight.

I have plans.

Oh. I see.

The, um, student is now the teacher?

I'll call you later?

Wow.

That was so not the kiss on the head

I was hoping for.

Would you get out of here?

I got this.

Okay. You...?

Yeah, just go.

Okay.

Hi. Hi.

Um, party for two, um, for Melanie Barnett?

Oh, yeah, we've already seated your guest.

Oh.

Hi.

Hi.

Thanks for coming.

Yeah. You look great.

Thank you.

I got to be honest with you, Mel.

I'm still a little surprised you wanted to hook up.

Well, I've been thinking.

Derwin, I'm not happy with

the way we ended things.

Yeah, me either.

I guess we just let it all build up, you know?

And... I'm sorry.

Yeah, me, too.

So, I had a lot of stuff I wanted to say,

but...

what it comes down to is...

(sighs softly)

I love you, Derwin, and...

Mel, I... No, no, no,

just-just let me finish, okay?

Uh-huh, finish.

Although I'm not ready for us to be a couple again,

I'm not ready for you to be out of my life.

So, what, you want to be friends?

No. I-I don't think we have to define what we are.

I mean, why can't we just live in the moment

and be the best that we can be for each other

in our lives for where we are right now?

Okay, now when you say "where we are right now,"

are you talking about me and Janay?

No, no, no, no,

no, no, no.

This is... this is about me,

okay? Mm-hmm, yeah.

About me wanting you still in my life.

So,

I've got Mondays and Thursdays.

And if you still have time for me, they're yours.

Mondays and Thursdays?

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Well, what about when we're not together?

We'll check in.

That way, nothing builds up.

Checking in?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, I like that.

(laughs)

Um, checking in...

Melanie, I missed you.

Checking in...

I've missed you, too.

Um... for the record, Mel?

Mm-hmm?

I would have taken any deal you offered me.

(both laugh)

Whoo! Yeah.

Yeah.

So, what do you want to drink?

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