Original subtitles

BOY: Good morning, everyone.

On behalf of all the kids at Fallen Angels Group Home,

I'd like to welcome you to the induction of the Sunbeam House,

an event made possible through the generous,

generous donation from the women of the San Diego Sabers.

(applause)

Where the hell is Kelly's ass?

I don't know.

She was supposed to be here, like, 30 minutes ago.

Well, call her again.

Hell, she the one that dragged us into this mess.

Bitch got us down here like Daddy Warbucks

with these damn kids.

Oh, hey, there, little orphan.

I like your shoes.

Our whole lives people have abandoned us--

our parents, our teachers, the system.

But thank God for Kelly Pitts.

God, still no answer.

Well, call her ass again.

You know what, if you ain't about the laziest so-and-so.

Mrs. Pitts is the one person in the whole wide world

who would never turn her back on us.

And to show our appreciation,

we've decided to present her with this special award.

Mrs. Pitts, this is for you.

Um, Mrs. Pitts?

BOY: Mrs. Pitts?

Mrs. Pitts?

Everybody hates us!

(boy sobbing)

(door slams)

Well, do something.

Timmy got a gun, y'all!

Nice.

Good use of light and shadows.

Ah, nice.

You're just missing his...

I'm not missing a damn thing.

All right.

Kelly Pitts, if you were black, I'd slap the black off of you.

What?

Girl, you in here painting some terrifying little pictures

when you were supposed to be down at the group home.

Can we talk about this later?

Kelly, why the hell weren't you at...

Oh... hello.

Hmm, damn.

Okay, wait, is this supposed to be him?

I know he little, but he ain't that little.

Hey! You should've been here before the AC kicked in.

I looked like a Spartan.

You know, 'cause my sword's so big.

(chuckling): Honey, ain't nobody

checking for your sword, pinky.

All right? So, you just stand on up there and look shriveled.

How did you guys know I was here?

Your loudmouth daughter told us.

You know, she'll do anything for five dollars.

That's really not a good sign, Kelly.

What happened?

Everybody was expecting you today.

I'm done with the Sunbeams.

You're what?!

I'm done.

I am finally getting rid of all the things

in my life that remind me of Jason.

Oh, so, that's why your painting ain't got no genitalia.

Kelly, the Sunbeams isn't just about Jason.

Maybe not, but if I went to that event today,

I would still be Mrs. Jason Pitts.

And I am done with being Mrs. Jason Pitts.

No more backsliding.

Okay, wait a minute.

Now, is all of this about you backsliding

in the bedroom with Jason?

Maybe.

(Tasha scoffs) Wow, okay, okay.

So you punish those poor little kids today

because you felt guilty?

Melanie, they're orphans, they'll be fine.

Those kids are survivors.

Well, why couldn't you have just called us, Kelly?

You know, what's up with the secrecy?

She cutting us loose, girl.

Mm-hmm, see that's why she hiding in here

with all these white people.

No, she's not.

Are you?

Damn right she is!

Look, you guys, I'm sorry.

I-- look, honestly, I just...

I just need a little space.

Please, don't take this personally.

Oh, you mean space from your black friends. What?

No! This has nothing to do with anyone's blackness.

It's about me.

I just need to get my head on right.

We understand.

The hell we do!

You know what, don't nobody break up with me.

I break up with you, all right?

So, from now on just make sure

your ass stay two asses away from me.

(sighs) Smooches.

Mayo, mustard, mustard,

relish, mayo.

(knocking on door)

What up, what up, neighbor?

Tone it down, sunshine.

Not in the mood.

Sorry, dude. What's your deal?

Oh, you mean besides the fact

that my wife left me, I'm living in the projects?

J, you do know I live here, right?

Yeah, but you grew up poor-- this is your natural habitat.

This is your pond.

You swim with the ghetto fish.

(chuckles): With the ghetto fish.

Wow.

Yeah, I see somebody got jokes.

What do you want, Ding Dong?

I want to give you the stuff you asked me for.

One towel,

one fork, one knife.

And one Holy Bible. Hmm...

Conveniently jumped back on the God wagon, have we?

Wow.

You know what, J, I'll admit.

I've been a bit of a fair-weather friend

to the big G-O-Dizzle, but I got to tell you, man,

going to church has really helped me

get through this Janay situation, man.

Yo! You should come with me tonight.

Okay, I'll come.

Oh, really? No.

J, it's free.

Dude, I got... I got stuff,

so much stuff to do around here.

Man, like what?!

I got fork to put away and towel to fold.

But, hey, you tell Jesus I said, "What up?"

Okay, pal. Have fun in hell.

I'll see you there. (laughs): I'm out, man.

(door closes)

(beatboxing quietly)

(scoffs)

Whatever.

(sighs)

* Baby, this is the night

(bell rings)

All right, all right, y'all know what that sound means.

It's time to take off another piece of clothing.

If y'all ain't with it, y'all can hit it.

* To me or you

* Baby, this is the night

* Let the feeling take over you *

* The night is young, what you want to do? *

* Forget the drama you're going through *

* 'Cause, baby, this is the night, night *

What's up, pig?

Beast! (laughs)

Boy, you picked a hell of a night to roll through.

Yeah, apparently.

Hey, Fluorescent Fridays may be a little rough

for somebody like yourself.

Nah, I'm good, man. I'm good.

Cool, cool. Hey, well,

it's about time you came through

and barked with the big dogs, baby!

(barking)

I couldn't before; I was a married man. (scoffs)

Please, I'm married.

JUVON: Man, no wonder y'all

relationships ain't work out.

Y'all don't have respect for women.

Damn!

I would slap my mama to beat

that fat ass into submission.

(Malik laughs)

Hey, man, well, since you're here,

feel free to partake in anything you see.

And I do mean anything.

Yeah, I just...

Where's all the classy women at?

What you mean? White women?

No, like, you know, the Alyssa Milanos,

the Traci Binghams, the Soleil Moon Fryes.

Oh, we don't have no Moon Fryes,

but we do have mozzarella sticks,

nachos and chicken fingers.

(laughs): Dawg, you stupid, man.

I'm gonna get a drink.

All right, you do that.

* 'Cause, baby, this is the night, night *

Jazz, girl, those jeans look so good on you.

What are those, like, some vintage designer label?

Girl, please, these are knockoffs.

You know I'm not spending my money on that crap.

Jason Pitts. Pleasure to meet you.

The pleasure will be all mine.

I'm so glad that you called us

to reconnect after all these years, Kel.

The Valley just has not been the same

without its "K-style."

Aw, well, don't worry because the "K-style" is back.

Yes. And she's single

and ready to mingle!

(giggles)

Ah, to be optimistic again.

The girls back in Reseda are going to be so jealous

when they hear that we actually went to Clear.

I feel like I'm in Sex in the City!

Guys, it's going to be so great.

It'll be like high school all over again.

Yeah! Yeah!

Except Faye's not pregnant and you're not

under the bleachers, making out with some black guy.

Oh, hey.

Perhaps I spoke too soon. Hi.

Sorry, girls, we're filled to capacity.

Oh, what? But I called ahead.

We're on the guest list.

The guest list closed at 10:00, ma'am.

Come on!

You can come in.

What about my friends?

Yeah. Hi.

You can come in.

Ugh!

Hell of a girls night out, Kel.

Let's just go to the bowling alley.

If I'm lucky, I can find a drunk to feel me up.

Wait a minute.

Why do they get to go in?!

'Cause they smell like Chanel and you smell like crayons.

That's her.

Guilty. (laughs, snorts)

I told Matthew, "Mommy's purse is not for play."

He's so talented, though. Yeah.

Psst, hey, over here.

Listen, lady, women throw cash at me all day long.

Now, um, if you want to go out back for a little while...

Saddle up, we're in.

What?

No!

(sighs)

Oh. Uh...

Kelly, this is ridiculous.

Why don't you just tell them who you are?

You know,

Mrs. Jason Pitts?

No, I already told you guys, I'm not Kelly Pitts anymore.

I'm back to Kelly Platski.

You spent all of high school as "Flatski Platski"

and now you want to go back? No.

Excuse me, bro-ham, yo.

I don't think you know who you're dealing with here, okay?

This is Jason Pitts' wife.

Yeah! Not to mention

Reseda High's senior class vice president. Twice!

Oh, snap!

I love Jason Pitts.

Come on, y'all.

Got a nice VIP table waiting for you in the back.

Oh, thank God!

'Cause I got to pump.

(squealing)

Get it, get it, get it! Now! Now!

Ooh, I like it!

(giggling) (growling)

Yes! Mmm!

That's yummy! MALIK: Mm-hmm!

Everybody classy when you're wearing vodka goggles, huh, boy?

Buddy!

I'm having so much fun, I'm gonna die!

No, no, don't hold back, baby!

Go on, do it, die, boy! Maybe I will!

ALL (chanting): Die! Die! Die! Die!

Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

I love you, buddy! Die! Die! Die!

I love my buddy! Die! Die! Die!

I'm going to die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

Who's going to die?! Die! Die! Die! Die!

I'm going to die! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

I'm going to die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

I'm dead! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!

("Just Dance" by Lady Gaga playing)

* Konvict * Gaga

Are you gonna move?!

* Oh-oh, eh

* I've had a little bit too much, much *

* Oh, oh, oh-oh

VIP, bitches!

(whooping)

Good call on the peppermint martinis, Kel.

They're fantastic.

Yeah, but 17 bucks?

You know how many diapers I could buy with that?

A lot!

Way to kill my buzz, Faye.

Why don't you tell me again

how your va-jay-jay tore during delivery?

Five stitches!

Little Matthew's head was in the 99th percentile.

Ouch.

Uh, what's this?

Compliments of the owner.

He wanted to show his appreciation

for having Mrs. Jason Pitts in his club tonight.

(giggles)

Okay, send it back.

We don't want it.

Are you crazy?

The last time we got a free bottle of champagne,

Faye's va-jay-jay was intact.

God, I miss the '90s.

So, Mrs. Pitts,

uh, we have complimentary OJ mixer, vodka, tequila.

We have some appetizers right here.

Coming up, some hot wings,

and, um, can you get your husband

to send me an autographed photo?

Normally, I wouldn't ask.

It's just that I love the Sabers,

and I'm from San Diego, so...

L.A. doesn't have a team.

Just give me the address and get the hell out of my face.

Yeah, it is right here.

God. This is ridiculous.

I come all the way to L.A.,

and I'm still constantly linked to Jason.

Listen, honey, I hate to be the one to break it to you,

but being linked to Jason

is the best thing that's ever happened to you.

I mean, unless you count

sleeping with Darnell Johnson before he got herpes.

Mm-hmm.

What are you talking about?

I had plenty of stuff going on before I met Jason.

Oh, yeah, like what?

Cheerleading.

And I filled out an application to beauty school.

Oh, sweetie,

there is nothing wrong

with admitting that your life wouldn't have been as great

if Jason hadn't come along.

I mean, if-if that's how you feel.

Not that you should.

Oh, God, I'm leaking.

Look, take it from me.

Life is a lot more difficult for an average girl

dating an average guy.

Hell,

Tuesday night, I've got a date

with Darnell Johnson.

What? I'm bringing condoms.

MAN: Excuse me.

KELLY: Let me guess--

you want an autograph.

No, I didn't want one.

Should I?

Oh.

I'm so sorry.

But I-I'll take that autograph

if your phone number comes with it.

(giggles)

I'm Joe.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Hi. Ladies.

Hey, you got any friends?

Male, female-- I'm not picky.

Here.

The name's Kelly Platski.

She was vice president

of our senior class.

But only one time.

Congratulations.

(laughs)

* Da-da, doo-doo

* Just dance

* Spin that record, babe

* Da-da, doo-doo, just dance.

(knocking on door)

(groans)

(groans): Oh.

(knocking continues)

I'm coming!

(sighs)

Hey.

Hey!

Krittany, Belly, what...

What are you guys doing here?

Uh, it's your day with Brittany.

What, did you forget?

No. I didn't forget, no.

Um, I-I have this, uh, terrible headache,

and I was hoping maybe we could switch days.

Jason, you know I've got to work this weekend.

Okay, cool, cool. Um, all right.

Well, maybe I-I could take a shower,

get all showered up, take some medicine,

then I'll come pick up Brit Brat in, like, an hour or so?

What do you say? How's that sound?

Does that sound good?

Jason, what's going on?

Huh? Nothing, nothing.

I just got this... It's a... headache.

I think it's a sinus thing.

(toilet flushes)

Um...

I'm having plumbing problems.

Jason, who is in the bathroom?!

No one. I... (door opens)

Ooh, she's so cute.

Hey.

Um, where do you keep the towels?

Kelly, I can explain.

Don't bother. Okay?

(sighs)

Uh, the towels?

Are you kidding me?

I only have one towel, I'm not letting you use it.

Hold up, hold up. Wait.

Wait a minute. (elevator bell dings)

Who was that lady?

Is she gonna be my stepmother?

'Cause I've seen Cinderella, and I'm not down with that!

No, Brit Brat.

Jason, I can't believe you.

(sobbing): How could you do this?!

No, hold up. Hey, hold up! Look, hey!

I'm sorry Brittany had to see this, Kel.

My choice has always been to be with you.

You're the one pushing me away.

Stop it!

You're making Mommy cry!

(sighs)

Come on, baby.

Just go!

Kelly...

Just go!

(sighs)

Oh...

Your first time cheating?

(sighs)

(clears throat)

Hey, God.

It's me, Jason Pitts--

San Diego Sabers, 88, all-league wide receiver,

first-round draft pick.

Jason.

I'm just making sure.

There's, like, seven Jason Pitts in San Diego alone.

There's one in Riverside.

Went to elementary school with him.

He was a booger eater.

I would hate for God to confuse me with him.

No, Jason, listen.

God knows who you are, he knows where you live,

and he knows what you do.

Isn't that Santa?

Who do you think gave Santa his powers?

God. That's right.

Okay, now are we gonna get serious, or not?

Hell, yes. I mean-- You know what I mean.

Okay, I need you to open up,

tell Him what's in your heart.

Okay, you need to ease up, ease up, ease up...

No one likes a backseat pray-er.

Anyway, God...

I'm not too good at this praying stuff.

To be honest, I'm not even sure you exist.

I mean, Pat Roberts, Al Sharpton,

Jesse Jackson, Reverend Run.

Come on. Not helping.

Dude...

I-I'm just saying, I have my doubts

about the whole religion thing.

Although I did sacrifice a virgin or two

back in high school,

if you know what I'm saying.

No, J, all right, not cool, bro.

I didn't actually kill 'em, I just...

No, stop it, all right?

Not cool, not even a little bit.

All right, all right. Know what?

I'll pray for you. Oh, we're done?

We are done. All right, we tried.

My knees are hurting anyway.

(sighs)

All right, God, numb-nuts is gone.

What's your deal?

Seriously?

Am I being punished? Did I do something?

It's like, one day I look up,

everything I love and cherish is gone.

And I...

I don't want my life to be this way.

And I know I made a lot of mistakes,

I know I did, but I'm trying to fix them.

And you're not helping.

So I guess what I'm saying...

is I need you.

I need your help to fix it.

'Cause I love Kelly.

I really do.

And I know she loves me back.

And my little daughter...

Way that little girl looked at me today, I...

My heart can't take it, man.

So I messed up, okay?

I know I did, and I admit that.

But I am begging you,

please, please don't take them away from me.

Okay?

I need you to help me make this right.

Please.

Okay?

(voice breaks): Amen.

(clears throat)

Hey, Joe?

Hi, it's Kelly Platski.

Yeah.

(laughs)

How's it going?

I know.

I'm sorry I missed your call earlier.

This Saturday?

Sure.

I'd love to go out.

What were you thinking?

Mm-hmm.

(laughs)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0