Original subtitles

What? (sighs)

Look, Brittany's coming in town in a couple of days.

We need to talk about how we're going to tell her.

Tell her what?

About us.

About the divorce.

Look, I've been doing some research

on the best way to talk to children about it.

(scoffs) And I wrote this script.

Oh, look at you-- shaking your ass

and writing scripts.

Haven't you been a busy beaver?

What this beaver shakes is no longer your concern.

We need to talk to Brittany and tell her

that even though we're breaking up, we both still love her.

Well, obviously, I'm the one who loves her more.

I'm not the one trying to break this family up.

TASHA: Kelly Pitts, you're 20 minutes

into your 15, so that means 30 minutes off your lunch.

Oh, and don't forget my latte.

And if it don't have two coffee sleeves,

it's your ass.

(groans)

Well, guess you better get to steppin',

or "it's your ass." Mmm.

What about the script?

Oh, yeah, thanks.

Oh... oh! Oops!

That's what I think of your stupid script.

You're not writing me out of my daughter's life.

Frickin' Jason. I could kill him!

Why does he have to make everything so difficult?

Screw Jason, okay?

Just tell her yourself.

Why do I always have to be the bad guy?

Yeah! What exactly is she going to tell her?

The truth.

What?!

Med School, you better take some notes

before that little side baby of yours get here.

Look, if you want to protect Brittany,

there's only one thing for you to do: lie.

Lie through your teeth.

God, that's awful.

And so is your haircut!

Girl, look,

I've been lying to Malik his whole life about his daddy.

One year I tell him he was dead,

the next he was an astronaut.

That boy had any sense, he'd realize

a dead man can't be no astronaut.

Well, Brittany's smarter than that.

No offense, Tasha.

Girl, that's public school.

It ain't on me.

Plus, lying to her

would be like lying to myself.

Well, then it shouldn't be a problem to you.

Hell, you've been lying about your marriage forever.

Look, she's gonna find out the truth eventually, okay?

And if you're not the one to tell her,

it's gonna hurt a lot more.

You're right.

I'll take the heat and tell her

when her grandfather brings her home tomorrow.

Okay, okay, so you're going to take the advice

of a stepbaby mama over a real mama?

Hell, you ain't even a stepbaby mama.

All you is is a girl with bad advice and a bad haircut.

Ha!

You bitches can't see me!

(imitating Muhammad Ali): I'm pretty. I'm pretty.

(laughing)

(keys jangle, doorknob rattles)

Hey, you. What are you doing on this side of town?

Guess who just scored two tickets

to the 2:00 showing of High School Musical 3!

I don't know. Two gay guys?

Oh, come on, Derwin.

You know I start rotations at the hospital next week,

and this is my last chance to see it.

So come on, come on. Let's go.

Mel, I'm sorry. I can't.

I-I got a doctor's appointment.

Well, why didn't you tell me? I'll take you.

No, I'm probably going to be there a long time,

and the price of gas is through the roof,

and I don't want you to miss your movie,

and plus, I'm lying.

What? Derwin!

All right, Mel, Janay's got a doctor's appointment.

Okay? And I missed the first one, so I'm trying to be at this one.

Mel, this is the first time I get to see the baby.

Yeah, well, tell the baby I said hi.

Oh, come on, Mel. See, that's why I didn't want

to tell you, 'cause I know you'd get mad.

Well, I'm mad because you lied.

For, like, two seconds!

I just didn't want to see that look on your face.

If you saw the way you looked, you'd lie for two seconds, too.

Mm-hmm. Mel, see, that's the look.

Breaks my heart.

Makes me want to cry.

And see, I'm lying again.

Baby, I'm sorry, okay? But I'm running late, and I got to go.

Do you hate me?

Yes.

I mean, like, hate, hate.

Yes, yes.

For real?

Just go.

(sighs)

BRITTANY: Mommy! Mommy!

Oh, hello, gorgeous!

How's my girl?

I had the best time.

We went to Disney World, the zoo, and How Bear You.

I thought you said you were too old for How Bear You.

You have to humor the seniors. Then they give you... the money!

(laughs)

(door closes) THOMAS: Hey, Brittany, look.

You left your Bearonica in the car.

Oh!

Yeah. (laughs)

Thank you!

How was she, Pops?

Ah, well, I didn't want to say anything, Kelly,

but I think she's stealing.

What?

I had five dollars on the table the other day,

and when I turned around, it was gone.

Well, you probably misplaced it.

Believe what you want, Kelly.

BRITTANY: Daddy, Daddy!

Where are you?

Oh, sweetie,

your daddy's not here.

But we'll talk about it later over cupcakes, okay?

What are you talking about?

Jason picked us up from the airport.

(door opens and closes) JASON: Hey-oh!

Jason?

Hey-oh!

(sighs): Oh!

It's good to be home, isn't it, Brit Brat?

Hello, wife.

Mm... mm!

Mm! What's for din-din?

(chuckles)

(phone ringing, woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.)

Hey, Janay.

Hey, Dr. Diamond.

Nice to finally meet you, Mr. Brice.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not Mr. Brice.

I'm Mr. Davis.

She's Miss Brice.

And we're not married.

We're not even a couple.

I mean, I'm the daddy.

We're just not Mommy and Daddy.

You know, like, together, like...

Ah... She gets it, Derwin.

Okay, just clarifying.

Okay, let's just get to the ultrasound, yeah? (sighs)

How you doing on your "do's" and "don'ts" list, Janay?

I'm good. I'm good.

Janay?

Okay, I had a little bit of a latte.

All right, but keep it up

and your kid might end up having a "latte" toes.

"Latte" toes?

"Latte" toes...

No one ever gets that one.

Listen, just stick to the list, okay?

You only got 28 more weeks to go.

Say, Doc, you think I can get a copy of that list? Absolutely.

It's coming on cold.

There we go.

Oh. (sighs)

Okay.

(whirring)

(chuckles): Oh, my God.

Is that the baby?

Yeah.

Damn, is that h-his jun...?

The umbilical cord.

No, I knew that.

Well, not really.

But, like, what is this massive area right here?

DR. DIAMOND: Oh, that's his head.

It's big, right?

He's gonna end up growing into it.

Maybe.

I'm joking.

No one ever gets that one, either.

(gasps)

Oh, Derwin, look!

She's sucking her thumb.

Yes, he is.

Oh, and

look at her heart.

I feel it's gonna be a boy. No, a girl. How about until

we know the sex of the baby, we call it "munchkin"?

The munchkin's heart-- you want to hear it?

Could we? Yeah.

Let's hear the little female munchkin's heart.

Hmm... (chuckles)

Here we go.

(rapid, low-pitched throb)

Wow.

It sounds strong. Hmm...

Good job. (squeals excitedly)

Oh, gosh, thank you, Dr. Diamond.

Beautiful.

You're welcome.

Good job.

(door opens) Uh...

(door closes)

Hey.

What's going on, little person in there?

It's your daddy.

You keep doing your thing, okay?

'Cause you're doing great.

And Mommy and Daddy will be out here waiting for you,

whenever you're ready.

But take your time.

You still looked a little weird.

(chuckles)

(laughs)

(chuckling sigh)

(murmurs)

(TV plays indistinctly) (sighs) I tell you, Pop,

this is what it's really about, you know?

The money, the fame-- none of that matters,

as long as this here is strong.

Am I right? Am I right, Kel?

The family.

Huh?

Mi familia.

Okay, but what's that got to do with why you don't have cable?

Nothing. I'm just... I'm not gonna

pay for it; it's too expensive.

Well, I know somebody here who can kick in five on it.

Hey, uh, Kelly-Belle,

you got three generations of Pitts here,

and they all want cupcakes.

No problem, babe.

(chuckles)

I do love that woman.

Here you go, Pops.

Yeah.

Oh, thank you. Mmm.

And I made this one special for you, Daddy.

Mmm...

(murmurs)

Mm. Mm.

I spit in it.

Hmm?

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

That's not all I did.

Eat up.

BRITTANY: Where's mine, Mommy?

In your stomach. You've already had three.

Come on, baby. You better get ready for bed.

Yeah, head on upstairs.

Daddy'll be up in a minute to tuck you in.

And then me and Mommy can get in bed

and have a little late-night cuddle, hmm?

KELLY: Except Mommy

missed Brittany so much,

she's going to sleep

with her tonight. Oh.

But that would leave poor Daddy all alone,

which would make Mommy a monster.

You know what?

Why don't I take Brittany upstairs

and leave you two to sort out whatever this is?

Grandpa? Cuddle-- get it?

Only on my birthday.

(TV plays indistinctly)

Jason, I want you out. Mm-hmm.

And I want free cable, but that's just not going to happen.

Uh, you know what? If you're going to act this way,

I'm going to go upstairs and blow this whole thing up

and tell her right now.

No, you won't.

(scoffs) Watch me.

It's okay, baby.

Sometimes people do things they didn't mean to.

So now if I turn around,

and, miraculously, there's five dollars

on the table, Granddad will let it go.

Pops, can you give us a moment? Yeah?

All right.

But all I know is before I leave here,

somebody going to give me my five dollars.

Hey, Brit.

Mommy's got something that she wants to talk to you about.

Go ahead, Kel.

Um...

I want to talk to you about Daddy and me. Buh-buh-buh!

Don't speak for Daddy.

Okay.

Well, uh, I...

Look, sometimes, adults...

Where are you going with this?

I'm gonna ask Daddy for a...

a...

...cat.

(gasps) (gasps)

(laughs) Oh, my God! Really?!

Is it true?

(scoffs) Would Mommy lie?

Thank you!

All right, baby, Mommy's gonna go put her pajamas on.

(scoffs)

We're gettin' a cat! (laughs)

You could see the fingers and the toes.

And he had this giant head.

A giant head? Really?

Are you sure it's not Jason's baby?

Mel.

I thought this was supposed

to be Melanie-Derwin time.

I know you're excited,

but I like to think about being here with you,

instead of inside Janay's uterus.

You're right. My bad.

You have my complete and undivided attention.

I don't have anything else to say.

Come on, Mel. Tell me about the movie.

Zac and them kids win the big game yet?

Yeah, I know about

High School Musical 3. I know you want to tell me.

Okay, okay, okay!

So, um, Zac and Vanessa are this close to doing it,

but you can tell they've totally done it off camera.

Shut up! JANAY: Hey, you two.

Janay?

Uh, what are you doing here?

I'm here to kill you. What?!

(laughs): I'm kidding. We just came here to eat.

You know, she's eating for two now.

Hi, Michelle.

It's Melanie.

Well, anyway... you guys enjoy your meal.

She knows my name.

Mel, maybe we should just get out of here.

Hell, no. I'm not letting that girl drive me out

of my favorite restaurant.

So, anyway,

Corbin's new hair?

Big mistake.

I mean, I couldn't even concentrate when I was...

Wait a minute.

What is she doing here?

She can't have raw fish.

That was right at the top of the "don't" list.

And I believe it was underlined.

Derwin, Janay's a grown woman.

You can't tell her what to do.

No? Well, I sure as hell can tell her what to don't.

Janay, do you have any idea

what could be in that fish, aside from the mercury

that can give the baby brain damage?

Bacteria, parasites,

roundworm, tapeworm.

I'm past my first trimester.

I didn't think, you know, one tuna roll would hurt.

It will hurt if I have to drag you out this restaurant.

ALANA: Oh!

You have a good baby daddy. Ooh!

He really cares.

Yeah. Yeah.

I guess he really does. Um...

can I have a well-cooked chicken teriyaki?

Is that okay with you, Papa?

Thank you.

(giggles)

Oh, and a hot sake.

Janay, girl...

I'm kidding.

Got jokes.

(women laugh) You got these jokes.

Yeah, y'all think it's funny.

I mean, you're so eas...

Uh, uh-oh.

ALANA: Uh-oh.

Um...

Look, Mel, I'm sorry... Just don't...

don't worry about it. Let's just move forward, okay?

Hey, um, I think we're ready to order.

After you.

I'm just gonna go with the beef udon.

And I'll have the scallops. Thank you.

Aren't you gonna say anything?

About what?

The scallops, Derwin.

You know I'm allergic to them.

Well, if you're allergic to them,

then why did you order them?

Why didn't you stop me?

'Cause who's gonna be dumb enough

to order something that they allergic to?

Oh, okay.

Well, if I'm dumb, yo' baby mama is dumber.

She's Charlie Brown dumb.

Krusty the Clown dumb.

Happy face sticker face dumb.

Oh, yeah, baby, I'm pretty.

Yo' baby mama ugly.

M-Melanie, what?

Yeah, Melanie-- one;

you and your ugly baby mama-- zero.

Melanie, what's gotten into you?

You practically flew across the room

to stop Janay from eating something she shouldn't!

Why don't I get the same treatment, Derwin?!

DERWIN: I'm not giving Janay special

treatment, all right? I'm looking after my baby.

Well, maybe if you would have picked the right woman

to have a baby with you, you wouldn't have to do that!

Please, Melanie, okay?

Why are you testing me?

I got enough on my plate right now. I know,

Derwin... I know you have a lot on your plate, okay?

But you know what?

It's always gonna be about the baby! Shh!

The baby, you know, having-having a doctor's

appointment or-or a birthday party

or stabbing a teacher.

What? Well, with that

mother, you never know.

Look, I know that this may sound childish and selfish,

but I-I just want you to leave a little room

on your plate for me, too.

Yeah, um...

(chuckles)

I'm sorry I made you feel this way.

(mutters)

Uh-uh, uh-uh, go back, go back!

Wha...? Mel, I'm trying to apologize to you.

Will you just get back over there?

I don't want that bitch to know

that we're over here arguing about her.

Now, laugh!

What? Laugh, Derwin!

(forced laugh) Harder!

(both laugh)

(laughter continues)

Where's my coupon?

Hallway.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(hushed): What?!

What the hell's going on with you and Kelly?

She's down there crying her eyes out.

Nothing's going on. Nothing?!

Shh!

All I've seen is craziness

since I walked through this door.

Don't know where the hell you are,

thieving child, farting on cupcakes.

Well, th-this is... this is bedlam.

All right, Kelly wants a divorce.

Well, thank God.

That's the first thing that's said all day that makes sense.

It's not gonna happen. Boy, look...

you've had ten years to turn this around.

Now, she don't want you.

And you, and you can't force yourself on her.

I mean, you can, but nowadays, that's frowned upon.

I'm not forcing myself on anybody.

I'm here fighting for my family that I love.

Oh, you don't give a damn about love.

You just don't want to lose.

But all this digging in your heels

and standing on your high horse,

you ain't doing nothing but hurting your daughter.

Oh, you think she's stupid?

You-You think she doesn't see what's going on around here?

Parents sniping at each other,

Mom crying in the living room?

The girl knows what "cuddle" really means, Jason.

The best thing for Brittany is

to have two parents under the same roof.

No, no, no, no, no, that's what's best for Jason.

What? Now, now, Kelly don't want you.

And-And the way you're acting, I can't blame her.

Okay, well, thanks for the pep talk, Dad.

I appreciate it. (stammers)

Now, look, son, come on.

Look, I know this is rough for you.

But if you love someone, set 'em free.

Oh.

If they come back, give 'em an STD test.

If it's negative, they're yours forever.

Now, go sneak down there past your weeping wife

and get me one of them cupcakes,

preferably one that didn't get pooted on.

I told you I smelled pancakes.

That's right. I got yours all ready for you.

Check that out.

Look, what Daddy did.

He spelled "Brit Brat."

I see it.

Actually, it took me a really long time to do that.

Hey, and also...

(sighs)

Got you a little breakfast company.

Oh, Smoky!

(chuckles) Thank you, Daddy.

You're welcome. You're welcome. (cat meows)

So, uh, Brit Brat, Mommy and I

have something important to talk to you about.

What is it?

Well, um...

your mom and I...

we haven't been, uh, very happy lately.

And, um...

Um...

And even though we love you very, very much,

and none of this is your fault...

We decided the best thing for our family

is for Mommy and I to live apart.

You're getting a divorce?

Baby, this has nothing to do with the way we feel about you.

What if I give the five dollars back? I'm sorry, okay?

Hey, it's not about the five dollars.

Okay? This has nothing to do with you.

Y-You didn't... it's-it's not your fault.

You promised me you loved Mommy,

and that you'd never get a divorce.

I knew the pancakes were a trick.

You're a liar.

I hate you!

I hate you!

(footsteps receding)

(sniffles)

(sobs)

(door slams)

Jason, I'm sorry.

Yeah, me, too.

(panting): Hey.

Y'all seen Octopussy?

(Malik panting)

Huh?!

Is that a no?

Kelly, is he going to get him?

Hey!

Man, y'all rude up in here!

Ooh, cupcakes.

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