Original subtitles

It's all there, big daddy.

A little something extra for the missus in there.

Make sure you take her out sometime.

Ah, the missus.

Don't get me started.

By all means.

You know, Al, I gotta tell you, man. This...

This place has really picked up in the last two weeks.

Yeah, you know those soccer moms.

They're a little gun-shy.

You know, ever since that geriatric maniac

came through here with his Nova?

Huh. Couldn't tell the brake from the gas. My ass!

I knew that guy.

He had a mean streak.

Yo, Al.

It's about to go down.

For the love of God,

he's here again?

No, no. No, it's Melanie.

My baby's here.

Al: Oh.

So I... Whoa.

Derwin?

Hey, what's up, Mel?

What's up, Jerome?

What's up, brother?

Yeah... yeah.

So...

what's going on?

How you doing?

Um, I've been good.

Everything's good.

It's just... I haven't had time

to come see Al in a few weeks,

so I figured... well,

all my peonies died,

so I figured

now is, uh, a good time as any.

Right?

Yeah, Al's peonies are the truth.

I know.

So... what are you doing here?

Oh, you know, it's crazy.

I just got this sudden craving for some cashews.

Aren't you allergic?

I guess that's what makes it crazy.

(laughing)

So, how's the leg?

The leg...

The leg is cool. You know,

rehab's coming along much better than the doctors expected.

I should be back, yeah.

I should be back in no time.

That's great, Derwin. Yeah.

Well, good for you. You know, Gatorade

is a client of mine, and they're actually

interested in you for a new campaign.

Oh, word?

Yeah. But, you know, then, you got hurt, so.

You should give me

a call when rehab's done,

when your knee is reall ready.

You know. Not like,

"I think I can go."

Yeah. It feels ready now, but, you know.

You never know.

Matter of fact, I'll call you.

Okay. Appreciate that. Pretty sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No doubt. Appreciate that.

Okay. Well,

I'm gonna go pick up my nuts and get out of here.

Okay.

Well, you take care of yourself, Derwin.

You, too.

A'ight, bra.

You know, we seem to run into your boy a lot lately.

I don't know. I guess.

Here. Thanks.

Hey, Al.

Hi.

Where are you hiding the peonies?

I have a whole bucket for you right back here.

Oh, thanks.

You know, he was sitting here, waiting for you.

Jerome.

Everybody comes to the farmer's market.

It's not just for farmers.

Ain't no dude coming to a flower shop, Mel, okay?

I wasn't gonna come over here

until I saw ol' boy standing here.

Oh, my God.

You are making something out of nothing.

Am I? Yes.

It's all good.

Okay. Oh, Al!

Here you go, dear.

Oh, my God,

they're beautiful.

Oh! God, I wish I can take these all.

You can. Derwin already paid for all of them.

Matter of fact,

I owe you two more buckets from the last two weeks.

Oh. Thanks.

Mel, you're not taking those flowers.

Come on.

Don't get your peonies in a bunch.

You know what?

God, Jerome, they're just flowers.

I mean, they're innocent.

Innocent? Mel, you met my parents.

Okay, and what is that supposed to mean?

That means that I'm in it.

How about you? Where you at?

Okay? You know what, Jerome?

I cannot police everywhere Derwin goes.

You just have to trust that I'm here,

and that I'm your woman.

Okay, so how come every time he runs into my woman,

you guys end up doing the Merwin?

The Merwin?

The Melanie and Derwin tango, th-the dance you guys always do.

What are you talking about? You know what

No, I don't know what you're talking about.

It's not funny anymore. I'm serious.

We're the only black people.

Black people. Come on, now.

Not in front of company. Keep it down a little.

Yeah, whatever.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna see if one of my ex-girlfriends

left me a bushel of okra. How about that?

I just, I want to ask, you know, 'cause I'm that kinda girl.

If, let's say, in a year or so he wants to date me,

you're okay with that, right?

Wrong.

Oh, you know. Clearly,

you're about to lose another one, so.

Okay, fine. I'm sorry.

What, what's going on with you guys?

Oh, my God. It's just...

Every time things are going great with Jerome,

Derwin just appears out of nowhere

and sets me back.

He's like my Bill Clinton.

Hey, do you want Derwin back?

No.

N...? Why are you dragging

that... gorgeous action figure through the mud

and just messing him up for the next girl, which, you know,

we both agree, could be me.

Oh, my God, would you back up off my man?

Okay. Now, see, that was convincing.

Yeah, almost believed he was your man.

All right. All right, all right.

I'm sorry. Look.

You want some friendly advice?

I think you guys just need a change of scenery.

You know, like... Oh! Go to L.A.

Stay at The Custom.

It's supposed to be so hot.

They have, um...

They have pink duct tape in the minibar.

What? Mm-hmm.

Why would they have d...?

Oh. Mm-hmm.

Oh...

There it is.

Ow.

Say what?

Here. Take these peonies.

I'd rather have your man.

What?!

All right, listen up, everybody.

I brought you all to L.A.

to congratulate you guys for the work

you've done over the past couple of months.

Now, with your hard work,

we signed some of the best damn football players

in this year's draft, so...

I'm gonna throw 'em a party.

Now, I want these clients to know what they're getting

now that they're with ISM.

ALL (chanting): ISM! ISM!

And what do you get when you're with ISM?

Money, clothes, and hos?

That's all a brother knows! Foxy!

(others whooping)

Now, listen, my L.A. office

is handling all the important stuff.

I'll be in charge of entertainment,

so don't mind me as I audition girls for the party.

Or especially the after party. Foxy!

Whoo!

Come here...

Ow!

All right! She's in! Gosh!

I like this night already.

All right, listen up. Now, John!

I'm gonna need you to keep

the Yukon gassed. You're in charge

of airport transportation and condom runs.

All right. Now, Rick.

Uh... you be Rick.

Why, why do I always have to be Rick?

Because you tried to be John and the condoms

ended up on a red-eye to Thailand.

All right, Irv, I'm ready. What you want me to do?

Uh... what do I want you to do? Uh...

You know what? Go home. Enjoy your weekend.

Huh? Yeah.

Okay. So it's blacks to the back now. Okay. Whoa, whoa,

Tasha. Let's get Al and Jesse off of line 1.

This isn't racial. Foxy's representing.

He's Canadian.

You got me.

All right, seriously, Tasha.

This has nothing to do with race. Okay?

It's because you're a girl.

With this whole social raping problem, we don't want

to put you in an environment that would set you off.

I told you I was cool, Irv.

You know, you really weren't supposed to be here anyway.

Somehow you got cc'd-- thank you, Rick--

and here we are.

I'm so tired of this.

You know what? I am a manager at ISM,

so why don't you treat me like one

and give me a damn assignment!

Okay, Tasha. You want an assignment? Yes!

Director of Debauchery.

What?

Ho wrangler. Yeah, yeah.

It's like a cattle wrangler, except for hos.

Sorry for the mess, dawg.

No, I mean, it's cool.

I mean, you got a maid. I don't.

Listen, man.

Word of advice, bro.

Never sleep with your housekeeper.

Oh!

Say what? Man,

I done had so much sex with so many different women,

I don't even enjoy it no more.

Well, you're either gay...

or this is about Robin.

This is about Robin, right?

Do I look gay to you, boy?

Hell, yeah, it's about Robin. Boy, sit down.

Man.

I've loved women before, but never like Robin.

I mean, except for Eva, you know.

Yeah.

After I bedded Robin, who the hell is Eva?

Who the hell is Eva?

Have a drink with me.

Nah, nah, come on, man.

You know I don't get down like that.

Negro, I didn't ask you to smoke crack, all right?

Teacher's on vacation. Have a drink with me, man.

Yo, Malik. I'm good.

Man, you're a bitch.

Whatever.

Hey! Woman!

If you don't pick up a mop or something,

you're nothing but a prostitute. Okay?

Hey, yo, man, I saw Melanie today.

Who?

Girl Melanie. Is that what you call her, Girl Melanie?

Oh, okay.

Yeah, she was with her smart-looking boyfriend

at the farmer's market, man.

Looked like they just rolled out of bed.

Melanie didn't even have a bra on.

Mmm. I mean,

first it was Trey Wiggs, right?

Now it's this Jerome cat.

Malik, that's like two dudes in one year.

Melanie's been turned out.

That's messed up, dawg.

You said she didn't have no bra on?

Uh-uh!

And you could see straight through?

Straight through.

Oh.

Was it cold out?

I mean, paint the picture, man. Take me there.

Come on, Malik.

All right, bro. Look.

You know what they say, man.

Once a good girl's gone bad,

she's gone forever.

You lost her, dawg.

I'll take that drink after all.

My boy.

Jason, you're old, washed up,

and nobody's gonna give you

the contract you're looking for, my man.

Great. Where do I sign?

Honey, let's hear him out.

Look, I wouldn't have brought you here

if I didn't think Irv had the answer.

You have the answer, Irv.

Tell me you have the answer.

(moans)

All right, what about the Philly deal?

(laughs) Jason, the Philly deal is bogus.

These guys just want

to bring you in to groom some upcoming receiver

they're trying to build their franchise around.

Okay. Thank you for being

yet another manager I pass on. Let's go.

See, that's where you're wrong, J.P.

I'm not those other managers.

I'm ten steps ahead, shooting backwards. No mirror.

Jason.

Look. J.P.

Stop calling me that.

Done.

I know you want to stay in San Diego, right?

That's why I've been talking

to the Sabers G.M. about it all week.

I told him about your passion for the game,

your commitment to the franchise,

and your leadership on and off the field.

Now, I invite him to my party tonight

and I set up a meeting.

Jase, I brought out the sourdough.

All you got to do is butter it.

Jason, you can do this.

You know I'm not good at making friends.

Or being nice.

You know what? Why don't you just bring

your perfect perky wife along

and you follow her lead.

I'm really up on my current events.

(chuckles)

It was this...

or fly to meet my parents.

Mmm. I don't know.

I thought this was hotter.

You thought right.

Jerome, I want you to know that I'm all in.

And I'm not going anywhere.

And...

the only dance I want to do is the "Jerlaine."

(laughing)

Let's do it.

Okay.

(squeals)

(laughing)

Nah, I only have eyes for her, Tasha.

Come on, Todd. She said no extras, all right?

She's only stripping to put herself through law school.

What, she don't need books?

Forget her, all right?

Now this one right here...

she just got a fresh boob job.

She's got this little trick she can do from the ceiling

and she can hold her breath, dawg.

Nah, I'm cool on her.

I want the lawyer-mami.

Irv said I could have whatever I wanted,

and look, the ink's not even dry on my contract yet.

Come on, Todd. Look, she got a kid.

So do I.

Hey, maybe they can play together.

Look...

I'm going up to my room.

I expect her up there in five.

Or I'm telling.

Excuse me.

Okay, look, he don't want to have sex, all right?

He just wants you to walk around the room butt-naked with your heels on.

That's his thing, all right?

Now as far as sexual proclivities go, that ain't so bad.

'Cause Andy over there...

He want to smear his girl in peanut butter

and then stick her between two pieces of bread.

Tasha, there's certain things I won't do.

I told you, I have a kid to think about.

Asia, Asia.

You know how when you're twirling around

that pole every night with your eyes closed,

and you're imagining you're baking cookies for your kid?

Same thing.

Except you're going to be on a different stage,

getting paid way more money.

Just walk around? Mm-hmm.

Like it's a fashion show?

Yeah, with no fashion.

Come on, look...

might even be some chemistry there, huh?

Could be a great story on how you met your husband.

I guess so.

Okay.

Just don't tell any of the other strippers.

Yeah, 'cause they may judge you.

I got it.

Suite 1107, all right?

Oh, my God.

I think we should move here.

It's something to think about, yeah.

Okay, toast to that.

"...like most Germans in the professional class,

the engineers at Heidi & Sons..." MELANIE:

Hey, Melanie Barnett. It's been too long.

What are you doing here?

Just taking a little vacay.

Probably hit up the Getty later on--

check out Fragonard's Allegories of Love. You?

Spending some time with my man-- Jerome.

Hey, what's up, little man?

Hey.

Um, I'm going to try to find us some lounge chairs.

Okay.

Seems all right, I guess.

A little dull for my tastes,

but hey, one man's ceiling is another man's floor, right?

Are Derwin and Malik with you?

Hmm, I sense panic.

No, you sense my life is my life.

And I'd like to keep it that way, okay?

And yet, you're still over here interrupting mine.

I got my eye on you.

Asia!

Okay, if you're unable to talk, just moan or something.

Todd!

Tasha, Tasha, what are you doing?

Will you open up this damn...

Tasha, I'm so glad you're here.

I know, baby. Come on. Grab your stuff. Let's go.

Oh, no, no, no, no. There's no need for that.

I wanted to thank you.

Todd and I are in love.

Come again? Yeah.

Hot Toddy and I just have this connection.

It's true. It's unexplainable.

ASIA: Tasha,

we're going to start our own family.

After I help him the custody battle.

What?! Wait, hold on, hold on. This ain't making no sense.

Tasha, quit hating.

Tasha...

What? I got to save her.

He probably slipped her a Mickey...

or a Minnie or something.

Come on. Come on. What?

You need to calm down. No.

What is going on with you?

I don't know.

I mean, I don't even know what's going on with me.

It's like I've spent my whole life

trying to be respected as a woman,

and now I'm out here trying to be a part

of some stupid boys' club by pimping little girls.

Because of me, that girl's life is going to be ruined.

How do you know that?

She said she was in love.

Look, it might just work out.

You know, people do find love in strange places.

What the hell you mean? One of them donkey shows?

No, no, Tasha.

Look, love can...

Love is...

Just tell her, Rick. Just tell her.

Tell me what?

Tasha, I wanted you from the first day I met you.

Rick...

I'm real raw right now.

Okay, I mean,

I've been ordering stuff I don't need

just to see the UPS man.

And he ain't even that cute.

Okay, so don't play with my emotions.

Tasha, why do you think I always want to sit next to you?

Or why I'm always saying, "Tasha, you ride with me"?

Look, I even give you

the skin off my chicken.

I like the skin, too.

Just when I got the gumption up,

that whole social raping thing happened.

It was just another reminder

why we can't do this.

We work together.

I quit.

Yo, man, just call her.

Dawg, I can't, man.

I ain't no bee-yotch.

What?! Hey, there's

rules to this thing of ours, young blood.

What?

When a girl ain't giving you no play,

you leave her ass be.

Or you have sex with her homegirl.

And since Robin's been hanging

with Whoopi and CCH Pounder,

I'm going to have to pass on that.

Yeah, man, I feel you.

It's kind of like that time when Mel... (phone ringing)

Who the hell is that keep calling you?

Damn! Janay been blowing my phone up.

Dawg, why don't you just talk to the girl?

Bro, have I not been over here ten hours

talking about Melanie?

Okay, ain't nobody thinking about Janay.

What... what the hell?

Man...

Aw, hell, I'm rich. Live it up.

(phone ringing)

Oh, snap! Robin!

My phone!

Where your phone at, man? I still hear it.

Move!

"Ex-girlfriends gone wild.

Custom Hotel, L.A. Holla."

Why the hell

is Tee Tee sending me a picture of Girl... Melanie?!

Oh, hell no.

I know you ain't talking about my Melanie.

And some overgrown dude in the pool.

What?!

I know that ain't

my Melanie.

She ain't never wore no bikini with me!

Yo, and her booty's even poking out!

And she ain't never had no booty with me!

Malik, man, where you going, man?

Malik!

Man, what you doing?

Bro, I'm damn near in tears here

and you're browsing, searching the Web and whatnot?

Man, I'm buying an E-ticket

to My Hair, My Life, and My Struggle.

The Life and Times of Madame C.J. Walker.

Oh, yeah?

Uh-huh, C.J. Walker.

Well, I'm sorry.

I thought you were doing something

that had absolutely nothing to do with your crisis.

No, man. Robin's in L.A. playing Madame Walker,

and Girl Melanie is up there

rubbing her booty against the Incredible Hulk.

There's only one thing left for us to do, bro.

Buy two more tickets?

No, ding-a-ling.

You can't be this damn drunk.

Look, I'm trashing the rule book,

and I'm calling a audible.

Damn it. We going to L.A. to get our women!

Get your purse.

(groans)

She done changed!

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