Original subtitles

Everybody, people, it is kamikaze time again.

(cheering)

Ah, yes!

All right, I have had too much.

Now who is going to be my designated driver?

I will take you home, Irv.

Thank you, Traci.

Hey, hey, Irv, Irv!

Ain't this a mess?

He's just gonna stick us with the bill.

You're not the only one Irv's gonna stick.

Traci? Yeah.

Oh, please, come on.

Why would she want to sleep with Irv?

He's short, he's cheap, and the biggest sin of all,

he's probably got the little wee-wee.

How do you know about that, Tasha?

Oh, come on.

We all know white boys ain't packing.

Yeah, she's right, she's right.

They did a study on it.

Okay, and Rick would know.

He got traded enough to take a sampling of the shower rooms

all around the world, right?

I don't look.

(clearing throat): Liar.

Okay, once.

But with Shaq, you kind of have to, right?

What is it with all these stereotypes?

Why, are you packing? You kidding? I'm Asian.

I just don't believe in stereotypes.

Mm. Now, scooch in so I can get this picture.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

What, what, what?

On three. Welfare.

Ah... okay.

Okay, that's a good one.

That's a good one, though,

'cause the only one who needs some charity around here

is you, Mr. President of the Itty-Bitty Jimmy Committee.

(both laughing)

Mama, look, my jimmy is so full-grown,

his name is James Jameson III.

Okay, well, I don't care if his name is

James Jimmy J.J. Evans J.J. Walker, all right?

Unless you can prove it,

I'm sticking with the stereotype, okay?

* The stereotype, stereotype *

* Stereotype, the stereotype, the stereotype *

* Poppin', poppin', poppin'...

Stereotype that one, Mama.

(clapping)

Thank you.

Let me drink to that.

Damn you, kamikazes.

Ooh, aspirin.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Well, should we...? We all...

We all got pretty wrecked last night, huh?

Yeah. Well, at least you had a designated driver.

How is James?

Look, Tasha... I want to apologize.

As a fellow colleague, I would never do anything intentionally

to make you feel uncomfortable

or... or to compromise your position in this office.

Look, Lev...

I got a hangover and a 10:00.

Don't worry, ain't nobody trying to sue you.

Thank God.

Lev, I'm a grown woman.

What, you think that's the first penis I ever seen?

No, and I'm sure you've seen lots...

...one or two.

Look, I'm just... I'm just trying really hard

to fit in around here.

I hear you, 'cause look,

I'm trying to do the same thing, all right?

So why don't we just agree?

What, from now on, I got your back, you got mine?

Yeah, hey, that sounds like a deal.

Nuh-uh.

That's probably the blanket you put James to bed with.

Mel, I want my CD, man.

Sabers, what up, what up?

King Dong is definitely in the building.

Uh-oh! Ha!

What up, J?

What up, sucka?

You got it.

Yo, yo, yo. Malik.

Ding Dong, what's up, baby?

What's up? So...

it's play-off time, baby.

Which means it's ritual time.

Which means, what are we doing this year, bro?

What you asking me for, man?

J usually handles that, man. He's captain.

No, no, no. No time to be humble.

You stepped it up on the field,

you need to step it up with the ritual.

You're the man now, right? Right?

I mean, yeah, but I didn't think you guys noticed.

Dude...

Come on. Everybody noticed.

You be captain on this one, okay?

I got things to do anyway.

I knight thee. Boom, boom, boom-boom-boom-boom.

So...

what are we doing, Sir Ding Dong?

Okay, all right.

Hey, yo, everybody gather round!

Gather round chop-chop.

All right, take a knee.

What?

Oh. Take a knee.

For real, for real.

(grunts)

You all know the Ding Dong is all about the fun fun.

So here is what we're gonna do.

We're going to Six Flags, ride every roller coaster

for however long it takes, then we'll get funnel cakes.

MAN: No, scratch that.

Come on! No, that's not gonna work, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey, fellas, fellas, fellas.

Y'all, seriously,

it's got to be something that sticks with us, y'all.

When was the last time you had a funnel cake?

Yo, yo, D.

What?

We're looking for something that shows real commitment.

Huh? Am I hearing matching tattoos, y'all?

Tattoos. Matching tattoos!

Whoa!

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Chester, Malik, yo, tattoos hurt.

Funnel cakes feel good.

Well, are you... are you scared?

Please, J,

ain't nobody scared, man.

I'm just saying it's not sanitary.

I say tattoos, bro.

ALL: Tattoos!

Tattoos! (Malik hooting)

Hey, oh, hey, n-n-no, hold on, hold on.

Hold on, man.

Shaun, you don't even like tattoos, man.

Like, yo, can we, like, vote on this or something?

Have a caucus or something?

I vote tattoos!

ALL: Tattoos!

(chanting): Tattoos, tattoos, tattoos, tattoos, tattoos, tattoos...

You see, Kelly,

being married to a football player

must have its ups and downs.

Definitely, Dr. Parker.

Sometimes I just feel like I get lost...

Yeah, sure, you know, there's ups and downs,

but I'd say mostly ups.

I'd say we have a pretty good life, wouldn't you, Kel?

We do, Jason, but I think...

But, yeah, but like with any marriage,

sometimes there's stuff, you know,

there's stuff you got to deal with,

which is why I'm here, which shows how committed I am

to this marriage because I am, after all,

in the middle of the play-offs.

So I'd say that shows some, uh, commitment,

wouldn't you, Kel?

It does show commitment, Jason.

I think it's clear that we... Okay, so we're in agreement,

and obviously we were able to get to this point

without Dr. Johnson. No offense.

Parker. Whatever.

Therefore,

communication is not our problem,

and ergo, we can handle this stuff ourselves,

which means, I guess, that, uh... we're done.

Unless I'm missing something. I don't know.

Kel?

Jason, what you said was true,

but we have a lot of... Okay.

Then we are done.

Doctor, thank you.

This has been expensive yet illuminating.

You be good.

Jason.

Uh, Jason, you know,

we still have a little time left on this session.

Are you serious?

Do you prorate?

Afraid not.

Kel...

So...

tell me, uh, what do you think your chances are

against Arizona?

What?

Um, I don't know.

We won the last three games of the season.

I think if we can just keep that momentum going...

Yeah, and the last time you guys played them, you crushed them.

And what a game you had.

Guilty.

Yeah. KELLY: Dr. Parker,

I'm not really sure what this has to do with our therapy.

Only everything.

Finally, a therapist who does his homework.

I like you, dude.

Kelly, I like him. Let's keep him.

I've had Sabers season tickets

since your rookie year. Get out of here.

Excuse me. I have. Look at you.

Again, I don't know what this has to do with...

So wait a sec, you were there in '03 when we played Philly?

Oh, during the rain.

Oh!

Four seconds left,

broken hand.

You run an eight yard in.

87 yards later, you score.

Amazing.

I know, right?

I had chapped lips that night, too.

No.

A lot of people don't even know that.

That's remarkable.

That's why I just made a remark about it.

He did what?

Girl, he came by, said he was sorry, okay?

Let it go.

I will not.

Tasha, how could you let this happen?

You are the strongest black woman I know

other than Harriet Tubman.

Look, when you're working with men, you got to know

they're gonna be trifling, okay,

so you can't just kick up dust about every little thing,

'cause if you do, you're gonna get dusty.

So, either you're dusty or disrespected?

Kelly, Lev and I are cool, all right?

Now, go grab me a doughnut,

pop it in the microwave ten seconds,

and make it all warm.

Ugh, you're turning into one of them.

One of who? A man.

Ordering me around, telling me to get some stupid donut

when you really don't need one.

Tasha, you're forgetting.

You're a woman.

We're an oppressed people.

Why? Because we let men steamroll us.

They don't respect us, they don't listen to us,

they don't value us.

They're just so damn obsessed with football!

What?

You were socially raped, Tasha.

I was?

Yes. When he wielded his penis like a weapon,

and he was just trying to say,

"Little insignificant woman, you don't matter.

So just shut up, shut up, shut up!"

I don't think therapy is working for you.

Okay, now,

go grab my donuts.

Scoot, scoot.

Fine, but don't come crying to me

when he waves some other body part in your face.

Oh!

(laughs)

ALL (chanting): Ding Dong, Ding Dong, Ding Dong, Ding Dong,

Ding Dong, Ding Dong,

Ding Dong, Ding Dong, Ding Dong, Ding Dong...

All right, Dong.

It's official.

You love Coach Ross.

(laughter)

I wouldn't get locked up with that, though, homie.

That's a good one.

I did it.

I did it, y'all.

Yes, you did.

I did it! I mean, we did it.

Jam Master J, what do you think?

How does it look?

Permanent.

(laughter)

You guys, I'm... I'm really glad I went through with this.

Now I feel like we're one.

Yeah, kind of.

(laughter)

Wait, what's so funny?

Ding Dong, you ever do something,

and it comes out way better than you ever expected?

(loud laughter)

J, it looks that good?

No, not as good as mine.

ALL: Oh!

Where'd it go, where'd it go?

Where did it go?

I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

Oh, my gosh!

(laughing)

Oh, I feel awful.

No, I don't!

(all shouting and laughing)

It's just, man, you've been feeling yourself

so much lately, we had to get you, dude.

This wasn't no "get."

This is awful. (all laugh)

You guys think this is funny?!

Huh?

Hold on, hold on. Step back into the light a little bit.

Say that line one more time.

Okay.

You guys don't understand what I've just done.

Yes, we do.

You got a tattoo on your ass.

(all laughing)

No, J, I desecrated my body!

I went against my religion

and I went against my grandmother.

But this? This was supposed to be for the team!

So I called her, and she still told me,

"Derwin, don't let the Devil tempt you."

And I told her, I said,

"Grams, these guys aren't the Devil.

"These guys are like my brothers.

They would never do anything to hurt me."

But all y'all, all y'all some bitches!

Please tell me you got the speech, too.

(all laugh)

All right, hello, San Diego.

ALL: Hey!

It's my favorite satellite office,

or at least until they finish rebuilding

my New Orleans office.

It's been three years.

I just want-- damn FEMA.

All right, moving on.

People, here we go.

Question of the day:

What do we do when Jason Kidd calls

and demands to do Broadway in the off-season?

Let's go. Impress me.

Tell him everyone thinks he's gay,

and he'll lose his endorsements.

Fear tactics. I'm mulling.

All right, keep them coming.

Tell him Broadway's closed.

Tell him it involves reading.

Here's a nutty idea.

Get him in some acting classes,

find a small ensemble role.

Okay, look, we can't have every client

living out their dream here. It'll be bedlam.

Well, if he does it in the off-season,

it could only enhance his brand.

Look, Tasha, name me one stellar athlete/actor.

Just one.

Um...

Come on, guys. I'm sitting right here.

(laughter)

See? That's why we love you.

TASHA (laughing): Rick.

Look, look, I-I just think

we need to jump into the diversification game,

'cause if not, we're gonna start losing our clients

to the CAAs, the ICMs, and every...

Tasha, Tasha, shh-shh-shh.

Okay, look, no, there's not gonna be any Broadway for Jason.

Case closed. Let it go.

Wait, so now your balls are in my face?

What?

You're socially raping me, just like you did at Mercy.

I'm sorry. Was there a raping? No.

The other night after you left, he whipped out his penis!

Wait, wait, wait, no. I apologized, and she accepted.

You get it in writing?

Did I get it...? Well, did you?

I didn't think I needed to... I didn't sign anything.

Lev, is this true?

Irv, I told you about it in your office. Whoa, whoa!

Liar!

Now I, Irv Smith, do not recollect any conversation

pertaining to an inappropriate incident

prior to Ms. Mack leveling the accusation.

You're fired. Get out.

Irv, look...

No, no, you sicken me.

Tell my sister I said hi.

You're seriously firing him?

Of course I am, Tasha.

The guy's a social rapist.

Can I get his office?

Foxy, too soon!

All right, so where were we, huh?

Oh, hell, the mood's ruined.

Pinkberry?

Oh, yeah! Here we go.

Foxy's buying.

Yo, D.

Yo, man.

You were right, D.

Man, we all a bunch of bitches.

You tell your grams we said sorry.

That's what's up.

That's what's up.

Let's go, y'all.

So then after I won Rookie of the Year,

I landed a three-episode arc on Buffy.

I played myself. I don't know if you maybe...

Yeah, yeah.

You saw that one? Yeah, yeah.

I was good, right? Yeah.

Geez, what memories you have.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, Kelly, you seem awfully quiet.

Yeah, you know, she's already heard all of this stuff,

so, um... Oh, on the flight... Jason,

I married you for your money.

That's good, Kel. Anyway, Doc,

on the flight to the Pro Bowl,

guess who I'm sitting next to? Matt LeBlanc.

You're not listening.

I married you for your money.

Yeah, we heard you the first time, Kel.

Still not funny. See how no one's laughing?

Because it's not a joke.

I married you for your money.

And all these years,

I have put up with your crap out of guilt.

Did you hear that, Jason?

How does that make you feel?

You serious?

Jason...

Baby, that was then.

Baby, you know that I love you now.

Jason, please?

It's all right. Jason!

It's all right. Let him go.

(door slams)

Oh, God.

What did I do?

You spoke your truth.

Three months earlier than I'd anticipated,

but hey, spilt milk!

Hold up. Hold up. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Actually, I forgot my, um... thing.

Yeah, me, too.

Irv, we need to talk.

Foxy, work on your penmanship.

Tash, again, so much talking!

It's like we're dating. I can't close the deal,

but you're so damn hot, I keep trying!

Oh, my God, did I just offend you?

Please don't sue me.

I just bought a small jet engine.

Or maybe I didn't.

Irv, look, you got to give Lev his job back.

No, okay? No. No, okay?

Listen, listen to me.

Now, no one makes fun of little Tasha, okay?

Not on my watch.

Okay, but look, ever since you fired Lev,

people are treating me different.

They're talking behind my back.

They're looking at me cross-eyed.

You know what, then? Then they're history.

Irv, wait a minute!

No, Tasha, I want to know who it is.

Let's nip this thing in the bud right now.

Irv, wait a minute.

All right, listen up.

Listen up, everybody, listen up!

Now, no one talks behind Tasha Mack's back

and gets away with it, okay?

So, uh... oh, here we go. You two.

You two look like some social rapists in training.

Let's go. Pack your stuff.

Irv, look, I don't want anybody else fired.

Look, look, y'all.

There seems to be some confusion

going on around here.

And I just want to set the record straight.

Tasha Mack don't give a damn about what's between your legs

or who's between them.

In other words, I did not come here

to try and stop y'all from being men.

Shoot, I love men.

My daddy was a man...

far as I know.

Okay, so stop tiptoeing around me.

Now, if I'm willing to let y'all do you,

y'all got to show me the same respect

and let me do me.

Which includes listening to me,

taking my opinion seriously,

allowing me to finish my sentences

and stop using all my Bac-Os.

I mean, if you want a couple of sprinkles, you know, that's fine,

but you can't use the whole thing up.

I mean, that ain't right.

I didn't even know what Bac-Os were before I got here.

But I am here.

And here at ISM, we are not just men or women.

We are all equals.

That is all.

(slow, deliberate clapping)

Mm...

Irv...

This is taking affirmative action too far.

John, relax, okay?

Six months, she signs Malik, then we dump her, right?

So call Lev, tell him he's back.

And tell him I love him.

What? Huh?

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