Original subtitles

You know, Brit Brat, you could actually get up

and turn the TV on yourself.

Can you please just buy some new batteries?

I found a coupon. Okay.

Slow down. They may not be dead.

Did you roll them?

Yes. Switch them?

Yes! Did you do the tongue thing?

Yes. No shock.

All right, well, put them in the freezer.

We'll try again tomorrow.

Brittany, school.

Jason, trash.

Better not be any old batteries in here.

Hold-- wait a min--

What the hell

is my medicine doing in the garbage?

"Medicine." Cute.

Baby, don't you remember?

Today's the big day.

You promised me

you'd stop taking steroids

after your two-month cycle.

Today marks two months.

Kelly... I'm not stopping.

I'm sorry, what?

You've seen me during the games.

I'm performing like somebody half my age.

I just got my mojo back.

I'm not ready to give that up yet.

Okeydokey, sweetie.

Okeydokey, what?

That's it, you're not going to say anything? Oh.

Have a great day at practice.

Mmm! Knock 'em dead.

Kelly, Brit Brat, I'm home!

(singsongy): Daddy's got a surprise for his two favorite girls.

A battery charger!

Hello?

What did I say about leaving out the perishables?

KELLY: Dear Jason--

You promised to stop taking steroids in two months,

and obviously you've chosen to renege on that promise--

yeah, I said "nege"--

so I'm honoring my promise to take Brittany and leave.

Good-bye.

Y'all...

Oh! Mercy is sexy tonight.

Man, who are you telling?

Yo, the ladies up in here is crazy.

Mm.

MALIK: Are you serious?

Oh, yes, I am definitely hollering.

Y'all need to fall back.

MALIK: Yeah, you should.

She's checking you out.

Yeah, go ahead, playboy, show us your skills.

Hold up, all right? Give me a minute.

Girls love it when you don't pay them any attention.

Yeah, that's what they love.

You just watch, son.

I'm gonna put shorty on ice

and wait for her to come and get some Sunny D.

Man, how many girls you been with?

Plenty.

Plenty-two or plenty-three?

Let me think.

Does your sister count as one or two?

DERWIN & MALIK: Oh!

Hey, hey, hey!

My sister got diabetes.

So, two.

(chuckles)

Ooh, ooh,

your girl thawed out. Here she comes.

It's like I told you, my dude, tonight I runs Mercy.

You know, took you long enough to get...

Thanks for the champagne.

That was real classy and junk.

Yeah, baby, you was over there looking kind of thirsty.

Your little birdie said you wanted me.

Oh, and bam, here you are.

MALIK: I like that.

You know what?

Go let your girls know

you got a designated driver for tonight.

All right. (giggles)

Class dismissed.

*

Mommy, can you order room service again?

Sure. What theme do you think we should go with this time?

How about Mexicano?

Daddy! Hey!

(chuckles)

Jason, what are you doing here?

Daddy, it's Girls' Weekend.

Me and Mommy get to hang out and play games.

No boys allowed. Hey, hey,

Daddy likes playing games, too.

Mommy just plays them better.

Right, Kel?

Baby, why don't you go hop in the shower

and get ready for our after-dinner shiatsu massages?

This is living.

Good night, Daddy.

Peace, sweetie.

How the hell did you find us?

Oh, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.

Are you forgetting who I am?

This is San Diego, baby.

This is my town. These are my people.

I'm Jason Pitts, King of the Sabers.

I got a sandwich named after me.

God, it's peanut butter and jelly.

It's a P.B. and Jason.

You better get it right.

That's not the point. The point is,

you took my daughter, and you left without permission,

subjecting her to these living conditions.

This is... it's a crime.

You ought to be happy

I didn't call the cops, have you arrested.

That's funny because the last time I checked,

shooting up steroids while playing a professional sport

was a crime, too.

Care to share that information with the cops?

Kelly, you've changed.

(sighs) Get out of my hotel room.

(incredulous laugh)

Oh, oh, this is your hotel room? Yeah.

Okay, okay.

Well, we'll see how long they'll let you stay here

when I cut your credit cards off.

(exasperated sigh)

Unless, of course, they take Sunbeam credit,

which I doubt. (laughs)

I don't need your money.

Mommy's got her own.

Really? Do you?

What, the chicken scratch Tasha pays you?

News flash, Jason:

I've been putting away money

ever since we got married for emergencies like this.

What?

It's called "mad money."

(softly): You mad?

You...

I can't believe you've been stealing my money.

Ugh. Now I know how Shaq felt.

Here we go.

Once again, Jason's the victim.

You're the one who made a promise to stop taking steroids.

And you're the one who should know I can't stop taking them

until I get my new contract.

How else am I supposed to make enough money

for you to steal from me?!

You know this isn't about some stupid contract.

We have more than enough money in our bank account.

$53 million, to be exact. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

We're quoting exact figures now?

Yeah. Is that what we're doing?

You know what? I've heard enough.

Pack your things. We're leaving now.

Me and Brittany aren't going anywhere.

Not until you stop taking steroids.

You think this is a joke, Kelly?

Am I laughing?

Quit.

No.

You have five seconds to get out of here

before I call the police and the press

and tell them what their precious "King of the Sabers"

is really doing to get them to the championship.

You wouldn't do it.

Oh, really?

All right, fine, fine, fine.

You want to play it that way? Cool, cool.

But know this: You and I... us... we... are over.

(ring clinks on floor)

(door slamming)

(sobbing)

Divorce?! Oh, we got to celebrate your emancipation.

Tasha!

What? I'm happy she out

from under his big, old, yellow thumb.

Oh, look, and just make sure

you get joint custody of Brittany

so we can get our weekends on.

Tasha, I don't want to be single.

Oh, please, it's a whole new world out there.

Single's the new married.

Jason doesn't want a divorce.

People say things they don't mean

all the time during arguments.

Do you remember that time Tasha and I were going at it,

and she called me a whore?

She didn't mean it.

Oh, I meant it.

I serves it up straight, just like my liquor.

All I wanted to do was get his attention.

I didn't think it would turn into divorce.

Nobody's going to want to date

a washed-up, middle-aged, single mother.

You know what I'm saying.

Aw...

But what happened?

Why'd you leave?

He's...

He...

(voice cracking): I don't know.

Aw, Kelly, come on, you can tell us anything.

We're your friends. Yeah.

Did he beat you?

Cheat on you?

Beat you?

No, Tasha.

Jason never laid a finger on me.

In fact, I think the maddest I've ever seen him

was last night when I told him about my secret savings account.

You have a secret savings account?

Mm-hmm, that's right, girl.

Battered women always have to have an escape plan.

And you know what? It's a good thing

you getting out now while you still got your looks,

'cause everybody know white women don't age well.

You know what I'm saying.

(crying): It's so true.

Oh... Hey, look, why don't you just call Jason

so you guys can talk?

Forget the talking!

Look, let's go to the club!

Let's live it up!

You know, what is with you?

My God,

she has a child and a marriage.

And I have psoriasis and an itchy scalp.

What's your point?

My point is, you're doing the same thing

to Kelly that you did to me during my breakup.

You're being a hater.

Excuse me?

Yeah. You're like that stereotypical friend

who's bitter and single

and wants to drag everybody else down with you.

I got your whore.

And I suppose you agree?

*

Yo, J, man, I'm gonna need your help on this one.

Check out baby girl in the silver.

Ooh!

'Cause I'm gonna try and holler at her.

For real?

Well, what you want me to do?

Help you ignore her?

Nah, man, I want you to deliver

this bottle of champagne over there to her for me.

What?! Yeah.

Hell, no!

Man, what do I look like, some punk-ass errand boy?

Fool, I'm a third- string running back.

Been on 11 teams in five years.

You'd better recognize, Ding-Dong.

(scoffing): Yeah, whatever.

It's about to be 12, man.

JUVON: Good luck, Sunny D.

How you doing? How you doing?

Hey.

How are you doing, mami?

Mmm! (chuckles)

You know,

I saw you sitting here looking all thirsty,

so I thought you might like some champagne.

I'm more of a martini mami.

But thanks.

Okay.

We'll be right back.

May I?

Mmm.

I knew it.

I knew you was over here drinking that premium vodka.

I mean, you definitely strike me as a lady

who likes the finer things in life,

which is why I think we'd be perfect for each other.

You're gonna replace that, right?

Baby, I'll buy the bar for you.

I just want a clean drink.

I had, like, two sips.

(laughing)

My bad.

I didn't think you'd mind sharing your drink

with the Sabers' starting wide receiver.

Oh, wow.

So you're a Saber?

Yeah, yeah.

But enough of all that.

Yo, peep this.

Why don't you tell your girls bye...

Mm-hmm.

...let me knock this bill out.

We'll let the top down on my Porsche...

Mmm. Oh, so necessary.

Yeah.

Unless you have hair issues.

Oh, no.

Then we jump in my chopper, heli up the coast,

hit wine country.

Ooh.

Maybe try some of that Chablis.

You can get your cheese on.

(giggles)

Some people like it with crackers.

You just made my night.

(both laughing)

I know, right?

That's what I do.

(cackling)

You laughing a little too hard there.

Got a funny story with crackers?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. It's just you.

Me? Fronting

like you're Big Willie with your heli and your Chablis.

That's not you.

Uh... A-And how do you know?

Uh... Well, first of all,

I think you would have known

to send the $500 bottle of Cristal Rosé

and not the $100 bottle of... whatever this is.

Okay, so what you're saying, I'm cheap?

I'm saying you're not that guy.

Look at you. You're wearing a crucifix.

Not a blinged-out cross.

Be real.

You probably go to church every Sunday.

(sighs)

Okay, so I dabble in the Lord a little bit.

Oh-oh, may I?

Cranberry juice.

You don't drink, do you?

No, um...

Actually, I have stock in cranberries, so...

You're probably a sweet and humble guy

who got mixed up in all this BS.

Let me give you some advice.

In the future...

drop the big baller act.

Just be yourself.

(chuckles)

Wow.

You know what? You're right.

Um...

C-Can we just start over?

Huh? Please. I mean...

I'm Derwin Davis.

Good guy.

Cheyenne Kester.

Too late.

Okay, let's see.

She had the all-you-can-eat salad bar...

$6.99.

Broccoli cheddar soup.

Tuna sandwich.

Not only did she steal my money, she clearly snuck in some carbs.

Horse.

(knocking at door)

Nobody's home.

Jason, we need to talk.

Let me guess. You talked to Kelly.

You damn right I did.

And what the hell is all this?

A few receipts I've saved over the years.

I was itemizing some of the purchases Kelly made

during our marriage.

Say what?

Well, even though the pre-nup

says she only gets a million, I'm hoping these receipts

will show that she has burned through that already.

Okay, it's ridiculous.

No, no.

What's ridiculous is 150 bucks

for teeth-whitening.

How about just brushing your teeth?

That horse.

All right. Jason, look.

What I'm about to say goes against everything I believe,

but I'm just gonna say it.

I think you and Kelly...

(mumbles)

Huh?

(mumbling)

Tasha, did you forget

to swallow a chicken bone or something?

Good one.

I said that I think you and Kelly

need to try and work things out.

She's miserable, Jason. She should be.

She should be. She walked out on me.

She took my kid. She's been stealing my money.

Anybody capable of that is not committed to a marriage.

Okay, so I guess you were committed

when you were giving her all of those bruises and black eyes.

Huh? What are...?

I never hit Kelly.

Okay, it was worth a try.

All right, look.

Anybody that has tolerated you and this

and your controlling behavior for eight years

is obviously committed to this marriage.

Now, frankly,

I don't know too many women

who would have stayed this long.

And definitely not no black ones.

That's a good point.

My next wife's going to be Asian.

Wh-Why do you care what happens to us?

I don't care about you.

I care about Kelly.

She loves you.

You love her.

Now, if you go through this divorce,

you're gonna lose a lot more than just your money.

(Jason exhales, door opens)

(dog barking in distance)

(door closes)

(knocking at door)

Would you get the door?

Thank you.

(clears throat)

Holy crap!

You're Jason Pitts!

I love you! Thanks.

Hey, sorry to hear about the P.B. and Jason.

What do you mean?

They replaced it with the Derwin Dog.

You know what? Could you just go?

Hey.

Hey.

Daddy, check out the toes.

Oh, those are rocking.

Baby, hey, could you give me and Mommy a...

a minute to talk in private?

Again?

Just a minute.

Uh-uh-uh. Walk on your heels.

(Brittany hums, Jason chuckles)

Listen, um...

I've been thinking about what I said to you, and...

I didn't mean it.

I don't want to get a divorce.

You don't? No.

No, of course not. Baby, I love you.

I love this family,

and, believe me, I want to do what's right.

It's just...

It's hard, you know.

There's a lot of pressure, and...

Baby,

I know it's hard.

But we can get through this.

I know.

I know we can, and that is why

I've decided to stop.

I'm done, I'm done,

and I am so sorry for everything.

I'm sorry, too.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

I don't want to lose you.

Look.

Oh.

I think this belongs to you.

I am so sorry.

Me, too.

Mmm.

Mommy, is room service here yet?!

You guys got room service again?

What, y'all couldn't pack some Lunchables?

Not yet, sweetie!

Mommy will let you know when they get here!

Now...

Where were we?

I'm serious, Kel.

There is

a perfectly good taco truck on the corner.

What? You know

room service is marked up 20%

plus the, the service fee, the built-in tip,

not to mention you always tip on top of the tip.

You don't read the fine print,

and it's not because you can't.

It's 'cause you're lazy.

You're lazy with my money, Kel.

Are you kidding me?

Am I laughing?

Jason, we have serious problems.

Yeah, I know.

That's what I'm trying to say.

Which reminds me, I'm gonna need that PIN number

for the secret account you were talking about.

What?

Oh...

Okay, great.

So I-I'm the bad guy.

Yes, you are!

I gave up the steroids, Kelly. What do you want?

Jason, it is more than just the steroids.

It's what the steroids represent.

The lying, the secrets.

You... being a jerk!

Me?

Me? You took my money,

my daughter, the interest I would have made on said money.

To get your attention.

I don't know how else to get through to you anymore.

BRITTANY: Mommy, is room service here yet?!

I am really hungry.

Not yet, sweetie!

Just grab something out of the minibar.

Minib-- no, no.

Brit Brat, you're gonna have to be hungry for a little bit.

Jason,

we need to go to counseling.

Counseling?! Kelly...

Couldn't we just watch Oprah or something?

Jason!

You know what? Fine.

Fine, whatever's gonna put an end to this hell,

I am all for it.

Okay?

Let's go. Let's get out of here

before the room service gets here. No.

We're not scheduled to leave until tomorrow.

Kel, you got the steroids, you got the counseling.

Don't push it.

Jason, I dragged our daughter into this,

and I'm not gonna make her pay by canceling Girls' Weekend.

I promised.

All right.

Good night.

Good night.

(sighs)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0