Original subtitles

DIRECTOR: Action.

The father.

The son.

Cut. That was garbage.

I've got to go again. That wasn't natural.

Okay, let's go again.

But let's just... this time, just keep going, all right?

Just go right straight through.

Don't stop until I yell "cut," you understand?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Thank you.

And... action.

The father.

The son.

Excuse me, dude. Can you say "cut"?

Cut. Jason, what's the problem?

I'm not... I'm not...

I'm not feeling very fatherly.

Let me give you three choices.

You tell me what plays, okay?

(clears throat): Here they come.

The father.

The father.

The father.

Hmm. Second one.

The second one-- thank you. That's all I'm

looking for, man-- a little direction.

Okay, you got it. This guy.

Let's shoot this. All right, everybody ready?

Let's go.

And... action.

The father.

The son.

And Malik Wright, aka Holy Ghost.

Holler if you're holy, y'all.

Cut.

Malik, we've got cue cards.

Done in finger paint just for you.

Okay, look, homey.

We're trying to sell these damn trucks.

Do you want us to sell these trucks or not?

Okay, well, what I want is I just want the lines said

straight through. That's all I want.

And... action.

The father.

The son.

Y el Espiritu Santo.

We are the Holy Trinity,

but there's just one GMC Yukon Denali.

Cut!

Look, let's just take a hard five, everybody.

All right? Hard five.

That was it? That was all?

DIRECTOR: Find me a vodka drip, please.

You got it, baby.

Good looking out, Malik.

Shout out to our little Latino friends,

getting them on board.

Yeah, that's the least I could do

for taking all their women, Ma.

(singsong): You work for Derwin, not Malik.

(singsong): You work for me, so get out my face.

I'm doing good, right?

You're doing awesome, babe.

You rock.

You rock so hard, I...

Kelly. Am I selling it too hard?

Yeah.

Oh, Jason, I am just so happy for you

for getting this gig,

for what getting this gig means.

No more mm-mms.

What?

Wah-wahs. What?

Steroids.

Would you keep your voice down, woman?

We're not happy.

Nope, not happy at all.

Okay, well, what's the problem?

It's not Malik? (clears throat)

Or Derwin?

I mean, it's not Derwin, is it?

I-I mean, I don't know.

It's just not working.

Nope, not working at all.

You know what I think of when I think of GMC?

Cutting-edge, stylish, one-of-a-kind.

Well, yeah, yeah.

Malik is all that.

You mean Derwin.

I said Derwin.

Look, you don't need three people to sell something

that's meant for one special person, right?

You need one special person who is synonymous

with everything that GMC Yukon Denali stands for:

cutting-edge, one-of-a-kind.

And that's Derwin Davis.

I was going to say the exact same thing.

Derwin and the GMC Yukon: cutting-edge.

Huh? Genius, right?

Genius. Genius.

Genius.

JASON: Ding-dong,

sweetie, I'm going to be honest with you.

You got to relax out there, man.

You are blowing it.

Oh, God, yeah, man. I meant to tell you earlier.

Your energy is bringing the whole damn shoot down, man.

Get it together. Thank you.

I thought I was doing all right.

No, you're not.

Trust us. We're professionals, okay?

Malik... Yo.

Jason, you're out.

What? Congratulations, Derwin.

You're the new face of Denali.

What?

Yo.

He just said I'm the new face of Denali.

Oh, um, by the way, thanks for the advice, guys.

Deuces.

It comes equipped with a V-8 engine and 380 horsepower.

The most horsepower in its class.

(beeps) A Bose ten-speaker system,

six-disc CD changer,

XM radio and OnStar

with directions and connections plan.

(beeps) The GMC Yukon Denali and Derwin Davis:

cutting edge at its finest.

And... cut.

(applause)

Fantastic.

Derwin, that was amazing.

You made us proud, kid.

Saved the day.

See, I told y'all. Thanks, Tash.

Thanks for the opportunity, guys. Oh, no, no, no.

Thank your publicist here.

It was a great idea, Dionne.

Oh, pleasure. Thank you.

Good job. Thanks.

Um, Dionne?

Can I, uh, talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

Uh, look, D, I know we've had our issues.

All right?

But, girl, you are so good at what you do,

and I would love it if we could work together again.

You're joking, right?

What, so you could, um, screw me over again?

Look, Derwin, the only reason

that I took this job

is because I pitched you to GMC months ago,

and I'm not going to ruin my reputation with them

over a manipulative, spineless, cheating bastard.

No, I didn't miss one, did I?

All right, D.

Okay, I... I deserve that.

Yeah, you do. All right,

but I do know a couple of your clients

who've left the league, and you took Melanie in.

I mean, you mean to tell me you couldn't use the extra cash?

Look, D,

them Denali folks, they just invited me

to host their big holiday bash in St. Bart's.

They're flying the lad on the G5.

Oprah's chef, Steadman,

onboard massages.

Come on.

All I'm saying is,

I would love for my publicist to be there with me

so we can celebrate the dream team getting back together.

We are not getting back together, Derwin.

Girl, don't let him go.

What?

Look, I don't necessarily want

to represent Derwin's cheating ass, either.

But business is business.

I'm supposed to work with him again

after what he did to me without...

without so much as an "I'm sorry."

Oh, my God. I'm turning into Melanie.

Mm-hmm.

See, Med School done worked her bougie voodoo on you, all right?

Look, you've got to put all that mess behind you

and do what you've got to do.

Because "sorry" don't pay the bills.

Trust me.

I tried writing it on a check once.

They still cut off my cable.

Jason, I'm sorry.

Yes, the GMC endorsement deal was huge.

But it's not the end of the world.

There will be other commercials.

But I want that commercial.

Other commercials are stupid.

Aw, babe.

Look on the bright side.

I don't hate you this week.

And since it's the holiday season,

I'm going to rustle us up a good, old-fashioned Christmas.

We already have a Christmas tree.

And I ordered that tofurkey you like.

On sale.

What part of "I'm pissed off" don't you get, Kelly?

There will be no Christmas this year.

A Grinch named Derwin stole it.

Jason, with everything going on in this house,

we need a little holiday spirit.

We need some cheer.

We need Santa.

There is no Santa, Kelly. (screaming)

(screaming): No Santa?

How can you say that, Daddy?

No, no, no, Brit-Brat, Brit-Brat, I was...

I was running off at the mouth.

There is a Santa Claus. You know there's a Santa Claus.

Round guy, uh,

about yea high, white beard.

I saw him at the mall yesterday.

You're lying! Hey.

You never go to the mall.

40% markup!

(sighs heavily)

Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop hating you.

Oh, come...

You know what, whatever.

Should be celebrating Kwanzaa around here anyway.

Tee Tee, come on!

Malik's going to be here any minute.

No!

Boy, look.

Don't make me come up there after you.

Ooh, look!

We finally found black Waldo.

Don't you look precious, Tee Tee.

You don't pay me enough for this.

Stop. (grunts)

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.

Merry Christmas, y'all.

Aw.

Look at you with your little cute elf shoes

and your little cute elf hat

and your little cute elf ears, Tee Tee.

Man, these is my ears!

I quit.

Tee Tee, come on.

You look cute. Come on, boy.

And, besides, you promised you would take all these gifts

down to the kids at the home.

Why can't I dress like Santa Claus?

(laughing)

Man, that's funny.

Boy, you ain't white.

Why's Santa got to be white?

He was when he snuck in our house

when I was a kid. Right, Ma?

Uh-huh, a Creole.

All right, y'all, I'm out.

Merry Christmas. Wait, Malik.

Where are you going, boy?

It's Christmas Eve.

You know, we always open up

our one special gift for good luck.

So... Oh.

This is for your new place.

So you don't ever forget your family.

All right.

Huh?

Uh...

thanks, y'all.

I know exactly where I'm going to put it.

All right, all right, it's my turn. All right.

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme! Okay, okay, okay!

Ah-ah-ah! Don't take my hands off.

Calm down, woman.

Okay, I've been good, though.

Okay. Merry Christmas.

Ooh.

Uh-oh. Hmm?

Uh-oh.

It's just my size.

A whole lot of zeros!

Oh! All right, all right.

Let me read the card.

"Have a very Saber Christmas.

Love, Malik."

Merry Christmas, Ma.

Love you.

Now, y'all, I got to bounce.

'Cause I'm going to have a little sherry in my new grotto.

And a little Michelle, and possibly a little Gina.

Merry Christmas, y'all.

I'll see y'all tomorrow.

Hey.

Check this out.

Christmas Eve special.

I got this baby for five bucks.

Yeah, it looks like it.

Where are you going?

Last-minute business trip.

What?

But it's Christmas Eve.

I thought we were supposed to

throw back some punk-ass Santa-tinis

and go naughty caroling.

Maybe even surprise Derwin

with a special Yule log on his doorstep.

Wow. Um, all really great ideas.

You know, maybe New Year's.

But right now, duty calls.

(chuckles): You said "duty."

But, seriously, where are you going?

(sighs heavily)

All right, look.

I was trying to avoid the drama,

but here it goes.

I took Derwin back as a client,

but...

I figure, since you drank the last

of the soy milk, we're even.

What?

You're going back to work for the devil?

How could you? Look, Melanie,

that devil is going to help pay my mortgage.

I understand that you hate Derwin,

but he's a potential gold mine. He's a...

Backstabber.

Okay, maybe he's a backstabber.

No, no, I was talking about you.

Me?! Yeah.

I thought you were my friend, Dionne.

No, Melanie, this isn't friendship.

This is my job! (gasps)

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Well, then, since when

do you wear a bikini to your job?!

Oh, throw one more thing.

You know, what a sell-out. You know what?

Grow up, Melanie. We had plans, Dionne.

No. I... I have plans.

I have a life plan.

That is why I have my own business and I own my own home.

You, you don't get that.

Because you don't have a life plan.

You just drift from person to person.

Mommy and Daddy to Derwin, and now to me.

Well, you know, excuse me if this is the only way

I can afford to go to St. Bart's.

You know what? What?

Well, Merry Christmas to you, too!

* ...Joker got away, hey! *

Okay, it's Christmas day,

and I don't smell no grease. Where's my dinner?

(timer dings)

There it is.

What is this?

Turkey, gravy, all the fixings.

Merry Christmas.

I know what it is.

Oh, good. Because, when I put it in there,

it looked kind of suspect.

Tee Tee, leave us alone for a minute.

For real?

But who's going to cut the tension with his wit?

Tee Tee, please!

Fine. I knew I should have gone home for Christmas.

Y'all lucky I don't got my mama's address.

All right, Ma, I get it.

You're mad at me for firing you,

and making you work for the white man.

And now you're taking it out on Christmas.

Ma, admit it!

Look, I'm not mad, Malik.

I'm hurt.

"Dear Ma,

I love you more than Santa."

You were six.

See here? You even used the cotton balls to make Santa's beard.

"Dear Ma, you're the only Mack

"better than mac and cheese on Christmas.

Love, Malik."

And that's from last year.

Malik, in 25 years you've been on this earth,

you have never given me a store-bought Christmas card.

Words all embossed on it like I'm some kind of fan.

I mean, you didn't even add nothing to it.

No glitter, no popsicle sticks.

Nothing.

What's the deal, Malik?

Well, why don't you have Derwin make you a card

since he's your boy now?

Okay.

I see.

So this is about me working for Derwin?

Honey, I'm sorry, but you fired me.

And I'm sorry about the GMC commercial,

but I had to work in my client's best interest,

and Derwin is my client now.

I know, Ma. But ain't he got no Ma?

Baby, look.

You may not be my client anymore,

but you're going to always be my son.

Unless you give me another one of them jacked-up Christmas cards.

Okay?

Come here.

I love you, Ma.

I love you, too.

Dionne! Oh.

Yo! You're here early. Wow!

Um... actually, our flight leaves in two hours.

We should probably get going.

Oh, yeah, about that.

Um... I really didn't expect you here this early.

I wrote you a note.

Derwin, you can just read it to me in the car.

No. It's meant to be read here.

Okay.

I'll read it.

"Dionne, I cannot tell you how blessed I am

"to have the opportunity to work with you again.

You are a true professional."

Thank you.

"And as such, I am confident you will understand my decision

to have someone else accompany me to St. Barts."

Wait. Uh... are you flaking on me?

If you'd please let me continue.

"I am not flaking on you.

"It is just that

"I have only recently found out that this is a pleasure trip,

"and think it's more appropriate

to bring someone with whom I can have pleasure."

What?

Yeah.

I'm bringing Cha Cha.

She's Asian.

Why didn't you call me, Derwin,

instead of making me drive

across town on Christmas Day?

Yo, Dionne, come on, all right?

I'm trying to let you down easy.

Oh, wait.

"PPS: I hope this doesn't affect

our business relationship because I am really happy."

Um, hey, as long as the check clears, right?

Excuse me.

Merry Christmas, Derwin.

You, too.

Can I open my eyes?

No. Not yet.

Okay, now.

Cool!

Welcome to Brittany's Christmas Wonderland.

Do you like it? I love it!

(bells jingling)

Who could that be?

Brit-Brat, look who Santa forgot.

Elves and a reindeer?

That's right, honey.

So there really is a Santa?

There better be.

Otherwise, who's going to pay for us?

See? I told you.

Now, go. Go get your jacket on.

You can play with the reindeer.

Hey, pal, we want cash. No Saber tickets.

I said I got you.

Nice job, Mr. Claus.

Thank you, Mrs. Claus.

Do you see how much magic we can make

when you don't hate me all the time?

And when you come off with some cash.

Exactly how much cash?

Just focus on the magic.

MAN (on TV): Highly logical and reasonable assumption, I'm afraid.

MAN 2: It would be, if a clerk here

or Mr. Mara or I believed that we were Santa.

Hey.

What happened?

Derwin dump you?

Yeah.

Oh.

Really.

I'm sorry.

No, you're not.

You're right. I'm not.

I told you so.

Look, you know, whatever, Melanie.

Because it's no big deal, you know?

It's business, and I'm not taking it personally.

Oh, come on, Dionne.

It's okay to admit you're disappointed.

I'm not, you know? I...

Look, I was looking forward to a little sun and sand,

massages on the G5.

It would have been nice.

Sorry.

Hey. Cookie?

I do like cookies.

They're really good.

It's not quite the same, but...

Aw, whatever.

You know, um... about what I said the other day.

My life plan?

Yeah.

I've been working on that.

Really? Yeah.

Okay. Um... (clears throat)

Number one.

"Make a life plan."

Number two.

You said "number two."

No, no, no.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm serious. Tell me.

No. You probably wouldn't want to hear it.

I mean, besides, it's kind of personal.

Oh, yeah. No. Sure.

I understand. Sorry.

Number two.

"Get through my first Christmas without Derwin."

Yeah.

That's a really good list.

Thank you.

How about...

to first Christmases?

Okay.

To first Christmases.

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