Original subtitles

(strumming)

* Don't let me down

* Knee

* I need you like you need me

* We can get through this...

Nope.

* Through this... Nope.

* Through this... Yeah.

* This is our finest hour...

(strumming)

* Heal up... (clears throat)

Here you go, Daddy. Hold it.

* Heal...

* Heal up now

* You've got the power.

(strumming)

Okay, lemonade me.

Another week and that knee will be in fighting shape.

I don't know. It doesn't feel like a week, babe.

Just got to get through this season.

And that's why your devoted wife is here.

Some extra painkillers, guitar picks, remote,

and hold on to your ice pack--

I stole the neighbor's paper.

(singsongy): Double the coupons!

Oh, God, I love you.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, sweetie, would you get the door?

I'm on it, Mommy.

Is there anything else I can get you?

More ice?

Another pillow?

Quick lap dance?

We got about five seconds till the kid gets back.

(squeals)

It's Uncle Brandon.

No.

Brandon! Oh, my God.

What a surprise!

Kelly, oh, my God, what a bad actress.

Hey, sis.

Whoa, you're looking good.

You look like you actually got married for love.

Nah, I'm just playing, man.

How you doing?

Can I get a 20?

Sure, you know, I hear they're giving them away

at this place called a job.

Dude, I hear that, but the taxi guy's

holding on to my skateboard till I get back with the cash.

Oh... Do not... hmm.

Honey, you know how sometimes Mommy likes you to go upstairs

to your room and watch movies with your headphones on?

Yeah, like when you wear those small pajamas

with those shiny red boots?

Exactly.

Now would be one of those moments.

So what, so, so you thought

you'd get me all "lemonaded" up,

throw in a few painkillers, a drive-by lap dance,

and I'd welcome your brother with open arms?

What?!

Jason.

(chuckles)

Yes, that was absolutely the plan.

Hey, get this: I told the cab driver you live here.

Turns out he's, like, a crazy big Sabers fan.

Oh, that's totally cool.

I'll leave him an autographed picture

for when he comes back to rob us.

Rob us?

(laughing): That's a good one.

I know. Why are you here?

Why am I here?

Wow, this is uncomfortable.

Thanks for clueing him in, Kel.

(sighs)

My mother found some weed in Brandon's room

and my stepfather went totally ballistic

and won't let him back in the house.

So you thought it was okay to bring him into our house?

Yes.

Because he's completely clean.

He just got out of rehab.

Rehab?

You never told me he was in rehab.

'Cause, you know, people hear "rehab"

and they immediately think drugs.

Well, this is my house.

I don't want him around Brittany.

Well, this is my house, too.

And I put up with your family

and their Eyes on the Prize marathon.

I get it: it's hard being black.

Hey.

I'm the only one that Brandon has,

and I'm not turning my back on him.

One time.

He messes up one time, he's out.

Hey, thanks, Pittsy.

It's better if you just don't talk.

* Oh, yeah, I'm depressed, and maybe you are, too *

* So won't you dance with me and we'll chase away this blue? *

* Yeah

* This blue, yeah

* Oh, yeah, I'm real punk

* Three chords and I write this song *

* Makes me feel real cool

* Am I just playin' the fool?

* Yeah, yeah

* Yeah, yeah.

(turns TV off)

Hey, pothead!

Aah!

Oh, Jason, whoa, man.

I thought you were in my dream.

Hey, you want some cereal?

You got the munchies, huh?

You been, uh... you been toking reefer in here?

No, no, man.

I was just looking for the prize, actually.

Do you have any idea how much electricity costs?

(sighing)

No.

But you know what would be cool?

You and me, we could put in those solar panels,

and then your bill would be less and you wouldn't be so stressed.

I'm stressed 'cause I got some freeloading hemp smoker

telling me when to get off the grid.

I'm gonna get off the grid when I'm good and ready.

I could massage your feet.

That really helps me when I'm stressed.

Are you gay, too, or...?

I'm just trying to help.

Look, I even took out the trash.

Are you hiding the evidence?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I got your number, Kurt Cobain.

Now that's the kind of stepping

that's going to get us into the playoffs.

Nice work, Ding Dong.

Hey, thanks, Coach.

This, however, is just plain disgusting.

(all groaning)

Oh, Coach, you gonna do me like this?

No. Oh, no!

Come on, man. Look, man, I had to do something.

(all groaning)

Nasty!

I got sinuses, man. They build...

I got to do it...

Hey, I guess it's a good thing those hands of yours

haven't touched a ball all season. Hey, oh!

Funny you should make a joke about hands, Pitts.

Watch this.

(all groaning)

That was funny.

Let's watch it again.

And again.

(groaning and laughing)

And again.

Now, you want to know the best part of all that?

What's that, Coach?

None of these were the same play.

(laughing)

Excuse me, Coach.

Hey, Malik, that's a Cocochew, isn't it?

Oh, you mean this, uh,

scrumptious, chocolaty, chewy

confection with coconut on top?

Yeah, that Cocochew.

Melanie invented that recipe just for me.

Oh, well, ever since Girl Melanie's

been bunking at my crib, the kitchen's been heating up.

You know, ain't nothing that she makes that ain't, er-uh,

how can I put this?

"Mel-a-licious."

I don't know about "Mel-a-licious,"

but this here poppin' here. Right?!

(laughing)

Poppin'.

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on back there?

Nothing, Coach.

Who in the hell are you?

Mike Jones. Who?

ALL: Mike Jones.

Who?

ALL: Mike Jones!

Go home!

ALL: Go home!

(phone ringing)

Kelly!

(ringing continues)

(sighing)

Tasha Mack Management.

Tasha, let me speak to Kelly.

Is this a personal call?

What do you think? Of course it's a personal call.

Just put her on the phone. Dag!

Hmm, no "please" or nothing.

Kelly!

You little son of a bitch.

(door closes)

MALIK: Hey, hey.

So... what happened?

Girl Melanie, it went down!

Ooh, wait, hold on, hold on, I got nachos.

Scoot over, scoot.

Y'all missed it.

Derwin started tripping, y'all.

Ooh, see, I told you it would work.

Revenge is my forte.

That and krumping. Ooh,

I wish I could have seen the look on his face.

Oh, did his brow kind of twitch...

Mm-hmm. ...and his shoulders get all, like, hunched over?

Because then you know he is really upset.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He started kicking lockers and throwing water bottles

and acting like a little bitch.

Really?

Nah, I just wanted to call him a little bitch.

Hey, one more batch of them brownies,

Girl Melanie, and it's a wrap.

Mm, that reminds me.

You didn't clean the pan to my standards,

so I left it by your bed.

No, no, no, don't bother cleaning it.

Girl, just go make another batch.

No, no, it was fun, but I think we got him.

You punking out? No.

I just think we've taken it far enough.

Taken it far enough?

His ass sucker-punched me.

But that's not why we're doing this.

We're doing this for you, Girl Melanie.

You ain't even yet, I'm telling you.

It's okay, Malik.

Okay, I don't need to get even.

The hell you don't.

Need we say Drew Sidora?

Okay? Okay?

You were all about her. You were her biggest fan.

Biggest. Not only did you lose your man,

you lost your ringtone.

Ring, ring. Okay?

So this is what you do.

Tomorrow, I want you to take

one of Malik's whips down there,

bring him another batch of them Choke-a-chews...

Cocochews. Okay, whatever.

The boy cheated on you, girl.

He deserves what he gets.

Mm-hmm. Take the Porsche.

Ooh, he's been fiending over that one.

Mm-hmm. I get to drive the Porsche?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, I'm in.

Cool, I just need

proof of insurance and two forms of ID.

Uh, no, I said finish it, every drop.

Dude, it's tap.

KELLY: Jason!

Brandon!

We're in the overpriced bathroom

that almost ended our marriage.

What are you doing?

I'm doing what I should have done yesterday.

I'm testing your brother for drugs.

And quenching my thirst.

Jason, slow down.

Brandon, what were you doing at the gas station?

I told you he was scoring drugs.

I want him to tell me.

Well, no offense,

but I ate that ham that was in the fridge,

and it made my stomach feel all bad,

so I went to the gas station to get some Tums.

Sorry. I had a feeling

I hadn't cooked that thing all the way through.

Oh, don't tell me you believe him.

Why shouldn't I?

You're going to pretend you don't see the signs?

He's sleeping half the day. He's eating all our food.

He's hanging out at the gas station with druggies.

They were not druggies.

Yeah, I think they were. Ah!

But we weren't hanging out together.

They were just trying to sell me...

They were male prostitutes.

Right, okay, enough stalling. Prepare to pee.

You are not testing him for pot.

You're right, I'm testing him for pot,

coke, meth, Oxy,

and something I can't pronounce, but I know it makes you high.

Here you go. Pee in this cup.

You are not peeing in this cup.

I don't mind.

This one year at Ozzfest, I peed in a shoe.

If my brother says he's clean, I believe him.

That's 'cause you spent your whole life babying him.

It's time he take responsibility for his actions.

Here you go.

This should inspire you. Drain it.

You know what?

My brother doesn't lie to me.

If you don't trust him,

that means you don't trust me.

Wow.

Wow. Okay.

Okay. Fine.

You know what?

I hope for your sake I can find the receipt for all this.

Just-- just do it.

(sighs)

Hey! Whoa, sorry, man.

I was just looking for a razor,

but I see you're busy.

No, hey, this isn't what it looks like.

What's it look like?

Well, it looks like you're shooting up.

You listen to me, you little druggie punk.

I'm not one of your stoner friends

sneaking around some back alley looking for a fix, okay?

I'm a pro athlete.

Oh... steroids.

Do not use that judgmental tone with me, Brandon.

This ain't recreational.

Look, it's my contract year.

My coach is on me.

I'm not making my plays.

My knee is...

Let me ask you something.

Do you know what it's like

to play football in pain every day?

Well, it's probably like when my hair guy got arthritis

and just could not work my shag the way I wanted him to.

I don't give a rat's ass about your hair guy.

I'm doing this for my family. I'm doing this for my career.

As soon as my knee's better, I'm off it.

If I had a joint for every time I heard that in rehab.

(laughs) But like you said,

you're not one of those "druggie punks" like me, huh?

Who's going to ruin his life.

You know what you're doing, right?

That's right.

That's right.

I don't have to worry

about Kelly finding out about this, do I?

Dude, I'm no snitch, but you can tell my sister.

She can handle it.

Well, thank you, Dr. Phil. Now get out.

But for real, dude, don't tell her?

Cool?

I-I'm sorry I slammed the door.

(sighs)

(sighs)

Oh, oh. What?

Hey, Derwin, ain't that your girl in Malik's car?

Hi, guys.

Hey, Malik, you were saying

how much you enjoyed my Cocochews yesterday,

so I made you another batch.

(gasps)

For me?

Good looking out.

You know, you're like my little ride-or-die chick.

MELANIE: Well, it's always nice

to have something sweet. (laughs)

Well,

you know how I love dipping

into your warm, chocolaty treats, don't you?

(quietly): Okay, Malik, I think Derwin gets it.

Mmm! Girl, I could eat your goodies all night long!

Malik, what are you doing?

Mmm! You are way off script.

Yeah.

And I'd like to turn you around

and flip you over and...

Hey, Kel, I was going to call you.

I'm sorry I missed that interview.

I just couldn't find a razor.

Well, I found something.

Oh, wow.

How could you do this to me?

What, you think that's mine?

I trusted you,

and you bring this filth in my house?

It's not mine, Kel. I swear, it's not.

Really? Then whose is it?

(sighs)

(sighs)

I have done nothing but defend you

and make excuses for you

and enable you your whole life.

"Oh, no, no,

Brandon's just misunderstood."

"No, it's not Brandon's fault."

"Yes, yes, officer, that is my brother's purse."

Enough!

I am done.

You got to go.

Wait. You're kicking me out?

I am not going to have this around my daughter.

Oh, but guzzling wine

in front of your daughter isn't a problem?

How dare you.

You are not going to put this on me.

This is your fault.

Really, Kel?

Fine.

Whatever, but I'm not the one with the problem.

Whatever, Brandon.

I want you out.

(scoffs) I'm already gone.

Good. Fine.

Fine. Good.

Then why are you still here? You're still talking.

No, I'm not. You just did.

Just get out!

* I will not lie

* I will not say...

(sighs)

(door closing)

What's good, Mel?

I, um...

brought back your Cocochew container.

Yeah, well, it's disposable.

Well, you know, I care about the environment.

But, oh, how is your hand, slugger?

Get you some ice?

Just put the container down

and let yourself out. Please?

Yeah, cool, cool.

But, uh, I do know what you and Malik were doing.

What?

Nothing.

Good.

What's up, baby love?

What's the matter?

Oh, man, are we out of Chablis?

I found this when I came home.

Listen, Kelly...

Jason, don't.

No.

I know what you're going to say.

You were right about Brandon.

I kicked him out.

(sighing)

Look, Kelly...

the truth is, uh...

Truth is I'm sorry

that your brother let you down.

I really am.

(sobbing)

How could I have been so stupid not to see what was going on?

(sighs)

I just so wanted to believe in him.

You know, sometimes what...

what you want people to be and who they really are just...

They just don't sync up, you know?

Thanks for not saying I told you so.

(quietly): Come here.

(sighs)

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