Original subtitles

Yeah, Kenny's going to, uh, meet me for some coffee,

and then we're going to go shopping.

Ooh, Jamaican Mocha Sanani?

Sulawesi Adamo Sumatra?

Oh, this sound like a weed store, okay?

(cackling)

Ooh, uh-uh.

Girl, obviously, I got on my invisible suit.

Mm-hmm, you know the one-- the one that only come in black.

Girl, let me get off this phone and be seen.

-Excuse you. -What?

You-you know what.

You just jumped in front of me.

Lady, I'm ready to order.

You were just looking at the menu.

Uh, just because I'm looking at the damn menu don't mean

you can just wobble your ass in front of me.

What's going on?

Lady, let it go.

You were talking on the phone.

Moroccan mint latte.

Oh, hell, no, I ain't going to let it go.

And why are you taking his order?

I was here first.

Please, ma'am, I'm just trying

to save up enough to get a bus pass.

(scoffs)

Can you believe these people treating me this way?

Tasha, calm down. Does it really matter

if you get your coffee 30 seconds later?

Yes, it does.

I'm spending money in here just like he is,

and I deserve some respect.

And if you give him that latte before I get mine,

I'm gonna set it off up in here.

I'm going to call the manager.

Allow me. Manager!

How they just gonna ban us?

How you gonna let them ban us?

Why you didn't do anything?

I did, I told you to calm your ass down.

Why me? Why I always got to calm down?

So everything doesn't end in bloodshed.

Tasha, I'm 42 years old.

I work 18 hours a day,

most of which is spent fighting football players.

I'm not trying to have that in my relationship.

Well, a fight is what started this relationship.

You keep it up, a fight's how it's going to end.

Now, what, now?

Tasha, I'm serious.

Last week you went off at the gas station.

The week before that you went off at the church.

I've been a Baptist 30 years.

Now I'm forced to be Episcopalian.

Okay, so you're just going to take the pastor's side?

Tasha, look, when we meet my friends tomorrow night,

let's just skip the drama, okay?

I want them to meet the Tasha that I fell in love with.

The sexy, beautiful, smart Tasha.

How many other Tashas you know?

Well, there's the "I don't take no mess" Tasha,

the "Oh, hell, no" Tasha,

and oh, yeah, everybody's favorite--

"Now, what, now?" Tasha.

Okay, well, don't forget

the "I rocked your world last night" Tasha.

Mm-hmm, I appreciated that,

but, um, outside of the bedroom,

I need peace, I need softness.

I'm soft.

I'm peaceful.

Yeah, all right.

And I'm sorry, Kenny.

I didn't know it was an issue.

Seriously, guys, my manager said ten feet.

Hey, hey, hey...

You know what?

We're not going to a movie.

Costs a fortune nowadays.

I'm working now, I'll pay.

I'll be in the car.

Kelly, I need your advice.

Tasha.

Pitts.

Babe, give us a minute.

My boss needs my advice.

All right, hey, don't invite her to the movie.

What's going on?

Girl, I'm worried about me and Kenny.

I think he may be ready to leave me.

Oh, because of your attitude?

If you knew I had an attitude, why you didn't tell me?

Um, because of your attitude.

Look, help me fix it, okay?

That's why I came over here.

Kenny's got this big dinner party tomorrow night,

and I've got to be on my best behavior.

And you white women know

how to make your man feel more important than he is,

so... teach me.

Please, I can't turn water into wine.

Trust me, if I could, you would know about it.

(laughs)

Look, Kelly, this isn't funny, all right?

If I don't fix this, I may die alone.

42.4% of black women over 30

are never going to get married.

Aw, that's awful.

Someone should organize a telethon.

Girl...

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.

Well, maybe the first step is to evaluate your anger.

I've noticed that black women have a lot of anger.

Black women have a right to be angry, okay?

We always got to shoulder the burden of everybody.

You know how hard it was getting everybody

through the Underground Railroad?

We don't know how to be all meek and mealy

like white women.

How do you do it?

Sweetie, it's all about picking your battles.

Every little thing doesn't have to be a power struggle.

Like tomorrow night,

it's his night, his friends,

so just go with the flow and be his woman.

Is that what you do?

Jason doesn't really have any friends,

but if he did, I would.

Oh, yeah, and drink lots of wine.

(cell phone ringing)

Excuse me.

DERWIN: Yo, Mel.

Derwin, hey.

Girl, where you at?

It's 8:17.

Oh, my God, I totally lost track of the time.

Why didn't you call me?

Think about that.

You just did, right.

Uh, all right, baby, I am so sorry.

I'm wrapping it up right now.

Okay, love you, bye.

Uh, I got to go.

We're not done.

Yeah, but I am.

So your boyfriend calls and you just drop everything?

What are you going to do when you're in surgery?

Uh, slice a main artery,

call the time of death, and head on home.

Can't save them all.

Bye.

(door opens)

Baby, I am so sorry.

Oh, I didn't know you were making dinner.

That's because one doesn't typically divulge

that information when they're planning a surprise.

Aw, come on, Derwin.

We could still have dinner together.

I already ate.

Oh, good, me, too.

Oh, so you have time to eat, but you don't have time

to pick up the phone and call?

Derwin, I messed up and I'm sorry.

It seems strange that someone who talks to their girls,

like, 15 times a day can't call her fiancé once

and tell him she's going to be late.

Seems strange.

I said I'm sorry.

And I said it seems strange.

So I'm just wondering, Boo, what's up?

What do you mean, "What's up?"

What's... up?

Are you implying that I was doing

something other than studying?

Well, we've already established

that you've been eating and not calling.

(laughing): What?

Derwin, are you jealous of my study buddy?

Girl, please.

But ever since you've been hanging with Dr. Doolittle...

His name is Chris.

Chris... well, whatever.

Wow.

When did all this start?

Have you been watching too much Oprah?

All I'm saying, Mel, is ever since you've been studying

at the coffee houses, you can't call nobody,

you're going to the movies.

Oh, come on, we don't go to the movies.

Just checking.

Aw, I like it when you pee on trees.

Mel, girl, you best be taking my anger seriously.

This all could have been avoided with one phone call.

Okay, fine.

I, Melanie Barnett, promise

to be considerate.

And if I'm not back by 9:00 p.m. sharp,

I will call.

Unless we're still in the movie.

Too soon, Mel.

Give me a hug...

-Hey, baby. -Hey.

Come on in. Everybody's here.

Oh, I thought you said the party started at 7:00.

I did. It's 7:15.

Oh, well, you know how we do.

(both laughing)

Oh, no wonder everybody on time.

(laughter)

Hey, everybody.

This is Tasha.

-ALL: Hi, Tasha. -Hi.

Hi, I'm Amanda, it's so nice to finally meet you.

Oh, thanks, I've been looking forward to meeting you, too.

Kenny's told me all about you and your husband Mike.

Oh, well, good thing I brought Mike instead of Tim.

Oh!

(all laughing)

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were married to Mike.

I am, every other weekend.

Kenny, you didn't tell her about our open marriage?

Guys, guys, go easy.

She just walked in the door.

Hi, Tasha, I'm Penny.

Welcome to the circle.

And this little angel is Bling.

Oh, you let your dog kiss you on the mouth.

That's sweet.

Bling is not a dog,

he's a substitute child for us.

Rick hates kids.

I don't hate kids, I hate you.

Mmm... and I hate you.

But that's why we're in therapy.

Good times.

The best.

Guys, I like this one, don't warn her away.

You know, when Penny and I were married, we didn't need therapy.

Nuh-uh.

No, no, just restraining orders.

You and Penny were married?

Yeah, well, we met

when she was still dating Kenny.

Now, what?

An interesting situation; please, elaborate.

Penny and I dated first.

-Until I stole her away from him. -Right.

Then he pawned her off on me.

Oh, they loved me so much,

they just had to keep me in the circle.

(all laughing)

Excuse us one second.

Hey, baby, what's going on?

Is this some sort of swingers club?

No, no, they're cool people. They're just messing with you.

Well, it's working.

-Tasha. -Kenny.

Look, she said she was married to the man every other weekend.

That's their joke, all right?

Tim is a friend of theirs; he wanted to have a baby.

Amanda was a surrogate, so she's still co-parents.

Trust me, it'll all make sense to you by dessert.

That's what I'm afraid of.

She used to have an ass like a cherry, but now...

Oh, I've got to go, I'm getting the look.

I thought you might need this.

Can I have the bottle?

Baby, just relax.

I love watercress sandwiches, and these are amazing.

Tasha, did you try this?

Dang, no, they were all gone.

Oh, have the rest of mine.

Girl, that just came out your mouth, that's nasty.

But I mean, it was really sweet of you to offer.

-Oh. -Thank you.

Oh! Oh, he wants to give you a kiss.

Oh, just pucker up your lips like this.

If Bling likes you, you're in the circle.

Go ahead. She brushes that thing's teeth

more than she brushes her own.

Uh... Tasha, you don't have to kiss Bling.

No, no, I do.

PENNY & AMANDA: Oh!

Look!

You did so good.

Yeah.

Yeah, you did so good.

She's so sweet. Oh, there we...

BOTH: * Tasha in the circle, Tasha in the circle. *

(both laughing)

(exhales)

42.4%.

Damn.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

DERWIN: J, my man.

Hey, it's, uh... Derwin.

I was wondering, you know, you want to hook up tonight?

Grab some coffee, talk about the season?

Why?

Because I miss you, man.

Well, I don't miss you.

And I'm not spending my hard-earned money

on strongly flavored water.

Yo, check it, I'm paying.

I'll meet you out front.

You having fun?

I'm good.

Hey, Tasha, let Kenny get those dishes.

You're a manager. Back me up here.

Mike thinks athletes' salaries are too high.

Hey, hey.

Well, come on, it's not like they're saving lives.

No, but they're risking theirs, and when you look at how much

the owners are making off of them,

they're almost underpaid.

RICK: See, see?

Thank you, Tasha. Mike, you're not so smart.

Hey, I'm just a college professor with two PhDs.

What do I know?

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm going to clear these and let you all conversate.

(laughing): Conversate? That's cute.

What's cute about it?

Well, it's a colloquialism, right?

No, it's a word.

I think the word is

"converse."

Converse, conversate-- what's the difference?

Well, one's a word and one isn't.

I'll go get the dictionary.

Michael, no.

Not the dictionary.

Oh, so this is the embarrass- the-black-woman segment

of the evening, huh?

-Well, hey, I'm just... -AMANDA: Wait, shut up.

No, it has nothing to do with you being African-American.

He tries to make everyone look ignorant.

Oh, so now I'm ignorant?

No, I meant...

What, uh... what did I miss?

You missed this fool trying to call me out, but don't worry,

you ain't gonna miss it when I bust him in his damn throat.

Hey, hey, hey.

Bling doesn't like violence.

Oh, please, that little bitch lick her own ass.

Hey, Tasha, calm down.

No, I don't need to calm down, Kenny.

You and I both know this some white mess.

Excuse me?

Look, Mike, you may have two PhDs,

but you ain't got no manners.

And all y'all ain't nothing but a bunch of swingers,

with your meatless sandwiches and your useless therapy.

Hell, I can save all y'all some money.

You don't need counseling.

You need to hold hands and jump.

Well, I'm aroused.

Mmm.

Let me tell you something.

This is delicious.

If I didn't know how frivolous this was,

I'd be tempted to have it every day.

I would.

Rookie?

Huh?

Hey, isn't that your gir... oh, wow.

What?

I can't believe I fell for the okeydoke.

You...

-What are you talking about? -You're stalking your woman.

No, I'm not. But if a person tells you

they're out studying with their study group,

they should be studying with a group.

Meaning three or four.

Man, look at this clown.

I knew something was going on!

Yo, J, you go warm up the car, man.

I'm gonna go bust a bottle over his head.

Okay, all right, you have, you have lost it.

You have completely lost it.

See, this is exactly what I was talking about.

You're feeling guilty about you and that girl Drew.

It was just one kiss!

Okay, maybe Melanie's only kissing this guy.

J, that is not funny, man.

I told you, you play in the mud, you're going to get dirty,

but you wanted to play.

You wanted to play.

Now you're paying the price.

So far, it's cost you trust and one deliciously tasty latte.

And here's to you.

Maybe I am paying the price.

Man, that's good.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Hey, baby.

Hey, I know it's 9:00, but I'm running a little late.

Oh, that's okay, Boo, don't worry about me.

You just handle business.

Enjoy that scone.

How did you know I was having a scone?

You know I know you, girl.

Yeah, you do.

Oh, Rookie.

Hey, Tasha.

Look, if you think bringing me a gift

and begging me for my forgiveness is gonna work...

then you right.

(laughs)

Baby, I already have one exactly like this.

You bought it for me, remember?

Uh...

So this is my stuff.

I'm sorry, Tasha.

I-I don't think I can do this anymore.

Why?

It's because of last night?

You're saying that was my fault?

No, it doesn't matter whose fault it is.

I... I don't think we're right for each other.

Why, because I'm not white?

Oh, here we go.

That's right, and I wish you would go there with me, Kenny,

and stop pretending that the world isn't racist.

Tasha, this isn't a black and white issue.

This is about me and you.

So now it's about me and you.

-Right, yes, it's about me and you. -Okay,

well, then where were you last night when I needed you?

-What? -It was just like the coffee shop.

You were never there to defend me.

You don't need defending, Tasha.

You need anger management.

So Mike gave you grief about a word.

So what? He does that to everybody.

Sometimes he's an ass,

but when I was going through my divorce,

he was right there for me.

With his dictionary.

Look...

I got a million Mike stories.

We could have shared them later in bed,

but no, you got that shoot-first mentality.

Do you remember how you talked to him?

You remember how you talked to him?

I got to go back now and deal with that.

Kenny, if somebody says something to me

that I don't like, I got to let them know.

Exactly, that's what you do.

You do that all the time.

I'm not going to change who you are.

I can't change who you are.

I'm not asking you to change me, Kenny.

I can't do it anyway. That's why I'm here.

I'm not here to talk about it, and I ain't here to fight.

I'm through fighting, okay?

I told you, I laid it out to you as best I could.

I'm through fighting, I'm done, I'm done.

So that's it?

That's it?

Yeah.

I really wish things could have been different.

Mom, what's wrong?

Why's something got to be wrong?

'Cause I smelled the powerful scent of Pine-Sol

all the way upstairs now.

Either Grandmama's coming to visit or you upset.

Am I too angry, Malik?

(laughing)

Oh, you're serious.

Am I that bad?

It's all good.

By you being you, it made me tough.

You don't take no mess from nobody.

You the man, Mama.

Yeah, and I guess men don't want to sleep with other men, huh?

Well, Uncle Terry does.

Antwone is his friend, hear?

What's this all about, Ma?

Something happen between you and Coach T?

He dumped me.

No, uh-uh, no.

Don't you cry over that fool.

Listen, if he don't appreciate you for who you are,

he can kick rocks.

He ain't the one for you.

I'm not sure that there is one.

I've been by myself for so long,

maybe I don't know how to be with anybody.

Ma, this is the first guy

you've been out with in a long time.

Give yourself a chance, all right?

The right guy is out there for you.

I'm sure there's a man out there

that'll put up with you.

TASHA: Shut up, boy.

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