Original subtitles

(door opens, closes)

Derwin, what are you doing in here?

You know I'm trying to study.

Melanie, ain't nobody thinking about you-- do your work.

I'll just grab something out of the bathroom real quick.

Sorry.

Didn't mean to jump down your throat.

(sighs)

Yeah, baby, you know, it's cool.

Baby, it's just I can't have any distractions.

Well, um...

is there anything I could do to help?

Thanks, but...

(laughs)

-Derwin? -Yes?

How am I supposed to stay focused

with you flaunting your junk all around?

Huh?

What happened to supporting me in my scholastic endeavors?

But I'm bored, Boo.

It's the off-season-- I got nothing to do.

I-I need some structure.

Okay, well, then go work out.

I already did. Can't you tell?

-(grunting) -All right, Derwin,

Derwin, out, out.

-Mel... -I have to study.

ANNOUNCER VOICE: Alexander with the carry.

No gain.

(smacks through teeth)

(sighs)

(video game turns off)

(phone rings)

(ringing continues)

-(ringing continues) -(sighs)

(ringing stops)

(brief electronic melody plays)

(electronic melody plays)

(chuckles)

(chuckling): Cooties.

Morning, babe.

-Hey. -Where's Brittany?

She traded up.

It was all me till Kimmy called with promises

of cupcakes and dress-up dollies.

Kimmy's a little bitch.

(laughing): Come on, now.

You can't get your feelings hurt

every time your baby wants to hang out with her friends.

I think we need a new one.

A new friend for Brittany?

Nope, a new baby.

Since when?

I've been thinking about it, for a while.

I mean, Brittany's great and everything, it's just...

I don't know-- she's started wearing dresses,

she doesn't like playing ball anymore,

she stopped laughing at my fart jokes--

she's turning into a girl.

So?

So wouldn't it be great to have a boy?

Then we'd have a matching set.

Look, I know,

I know, I was the one who said

we couldn't afford another kid, but...

come on, don't you miss a...

warm body sleeping between us?

Ooh, us seeing that first smile,

watch them take that first step?

And cleaning up that exploding diarrhea.

No, I don't remember that.

Driving around all afternoon just so she'd take a nap?

Mm... no, nothing.

Huh.

Maybe you don't remember that because you weren't there.

I know, I know.

But hey, hey, I did get you that economy car

with the good gas mileage.

Plus, things are different now.

Back then I was all stressed out

about securing my place on the team.

Now I could pitch in a little more...

if it's a boy.

Well... you know what they say you're supposed to do

-if you want a boy. -Mmm.

Mmm.

Let's go upstairs and you can show me.

-(phone ringing) -Rook!

You're blowing up again, boy.

Turn this damn thing off.

Yo, toss it to me.

(ringing continues)

Please?

Okay, pretty please?

(ringing continues)

Drew Sidora?

Is this my Drew Sidora?

Oh-ho-ho, rookie.

-I thought that was over. -Over?

When did it start?

Yo, yo, yo, there is nothing going on, all right?

She's on the road, so we text each other

once in a while-- no big deal.

A joke here, a recipe there.

(mockingly): Joke here, recipe there.

What the hell is going on, boy?

Nothing, Malik, damn.

Does your girl know?

There is nothing to know.

Oh, oh, why, 'cause she's not a foodie like you and Drew?

Now you're doing foodie calls with my girl, too?

Okay, Malik, Drew does not like you.

And she only likes me as a friend.

And the only reason why Melanie doesn't know

is because I couldn't get her all worked up

over something that's not even a thing, you dig?

-(phone ringing) -Yeah, yeah, yeah, we dig.

But, uh, that sound you're hearing, that's the fuse

to the bomb that's gonna blow up in your face.

(ringing continues)

I hope you realize what a great space this is

and how lucky you'd be to hang your shingle...

All right, save the phony sales pitch for the rubes.

-Let's get to the price. -Six a month.

I'll give you five.

Six is the price.

Take it... or leave it, honey.

Did you...

Did he just "honey" me?

-Yes, he did. -Uh! Uh-uh, okay, you know what?

I'm gonna leave it, okay?

And you can slither back to your boss

and tell him there's no sale.

Even though I know your boss know--

hell, your dog even know--

that at that price, this place is gonna stay empty

for at least another three months.

Come on, Kelly.

Fine.

(sighs)

-Five it is. -(clucks tongue)

Sorry I had to bring the dog into it.

This isn't my dog, it's my wife's.

(suppressed laughing)

I'll go do the paperwork.

(squealing)

Wow, that was so cool!

Watching you nail him to the wall.

You're awesome!

I know, I know.

But I don't have time to celebrate.

Girl, I need furniture, phone lines,

an assistant, some snacks...

Hire me.

As what, my senior VP of "Never Had a Real Job"?

(laughs)

Girl, please.

Wait, and I thought you were trying

to have a second child so you could show off

another baby with the same last name and whatnot.

Why can't I do both?

I can have a fancy business suit, a briefcase,

one of those baby backpacks.

I can have it all, just like Kelly Ripa.

Mm, let you tell it.

(laughs)

Look, I'm sorry, Kelly,

this may not be politically correct to say,

but, honey, nobody wants to hire a pregnant woman.

'Cause I'll tell you now, Tasha Mack Management

only gives five sick days a year.

And you could spend most of that time

with your morning sickness and all, but what you gonna do when

-you need a few days on top of that? -I...

Nothing.

'Cause I will fire you.

That's not fair.

You worked when you were pregnant with Malik.

I know, and now I understand why I kept getting fired.

Just give me a chance.

You're the one that's been telling me all season

that I need to be independent.

And now Jason's telling me he wants another baby.

If I could just do both, I could make everybody happy.

Well, what's gonna make you happy, Kelly Pitts?

Calorie-free Chardonnay?

You're avoiding.

Come on, answer the question.

Just... okay, give me a minute.

(grunts sharply)

You don't know what you want?

I know!

You know what Tasha Mack thinks?

Tasha Mack thinks you're not ready for another baby.

Hmm?

-Jason? -Hey, Kel!

Come here. What do you think? What do you think?

If it's a boy, Jerry Rice Pitts.

If it's twins, Jerry and Gerry Rice Pitts--

ah-- one with a "J," the other with a "G."

-I like both of those... -Okay.

...when we eventually have a baby.

What do you mean, eventually?

I got a job!

I am officially the executive assistant to Tasha Mack

of Tasha Mack Management.

(laughs)

You got a job.

What the hell's going on?

I thought we were gonna have another baby.

We can, right after I climb the corporate ladder.

Shouldn't take long-- there's only two of us there.

God, just seeing Tasha do her thing today

inspired me to want to try something new.

Plus, Tasha always said

making my own money would be great for my self-esteem.

She also said that taking risks is the spice of life.

And I have been a bit bland lately.

-Then she reminded me that... -What, that

she couldn't get a man till she was 40?

Where the hell does she get off

telling you not to have another baby?

No.

Deciding not to have a baby right now was all me.

I just really want to try this,

so please, don't fight with me about it.

Okay, fine.

I am not gonna fight with you.

-This is your problem. -You better back the hell up.

-This is your problem. -You better back the hell up, okay?

Okay? 'Cause your problem is with Kelly.

Me and Kelly were fine

till you stuck your ghetto ass in our business.

You know what, I'm glad you know where I'm from.

-So you know I will bust you in your throat! -Oh...

Oh, you're awfully brave

with that new fighting Indian hair in your weave.

-Okay. -But I'm warning you,

you stay out of my business, Cochise!

I'm not in your business.

Have you lost your damn mind, boy?

Coming up in my house, hollering at my ma?

Don't get yourself popped, fool.

Whatever. Just tell your mother,

stay out of my bedroom.

Negro, you might not see the inside of your bedroom

if you don't get your bobblehead ass out of my house.

Malik, if you just...

-(overlapping arguing) -What, what, what?

-Get your hand down. -Hey, yo!

What, what?

-What? -What?!

-You know fat meat is greasy! -Hmm.

(door opens)

-(door closes) -And you.

What the hell you doing in that man's bedroom, Ma?

He thinks I got something to do with Kelly not wanting to have

another one of his Mardi-Gras- puppet-headed babies!

-And why does he think that? -I don't know.

'Cause he crazy.

And I gave her a job.

And maybe some advice about not having a baby.

What?

I knew this was gonna happen.

What?

You caught feelings for Kelly, didn't you?

-No. -Ma, you joined the Sunbeams

to help keep track of what's going on with everybody,

their business deals and such,

not to be gabbing it up making new girlfriends.

Okay, okay, Malik, you smoked me out.

She's my friend.

But I didn't mean for it to happen.

I mean, she's like a little puppy...

nipping at your heels.

If you don't put it down in the first few days,

you end up loving it.

(chuckles)

I know, but you got to cut her loose.

Yes.

I can't have beef with my main receiver

over some stuff like this, Ma.

All right?

Now, you know this can affect our play.

And nothing is more important than us winning.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

(chuckles)

I'll can her ass tomorrow.

(sighs)

Remind Kelly... to buy pink slips.

-(door opens) -Be strong, Tasha Mack.

Emotional walls,

girl, emotional walls.

You're late.

You said be here at 9:00.

It's 9:00.

Kelly, in the corporate world, if you're early, you're on time.

If you're on time, you're late.

And if you're late, don't even bother showing up.

Technically, I'm early,

because I stopped at the stationery store

to pick up office supplies.

I don't need your excuses.

Now, it's a poor carpenter who blames his tools.

Wow, I guess you won't be needing

this business phrase book I bought you.

I'll go make coffee.

Uh-uh-uh!

I know you are not wearing tennis shoes in here.

I specifically laid out the dress code.

And I specifically followed it.

These are my in-the-office shoes

and these... are my happy-hour shoes.

You know, in case we seal a deal or something.

Kelly, I-I really don't think

you've taken this job seriously.

I mean, maybe you'd be more comfortable

working at a shoe store.

Or a cocktail lounge.

Tasha, what's going on?

Are you in the middle of a hormone surge?

Because they have these patches that are great...

Are you in the middle of a blonde blip?

Don't talk to your boss like that.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just having first-day jitters.

This is my first professional job.

I mean, I was a professional cheerleader,

but that doesn't get you the respect that you might think.

So I am so happy

that a powerful, inspirational businesswoman like you

saw something in me worth taking a chance on.

And nothing is going to stop me from proving you right.

Not the butterflies in my belly, not your raging hormones,

not the fact that I'm white

and you hate white people.

Nothing.

Okay?

Kelly, hey.

Ephraim!

Oh, good, you found us.

You gave me perfect directions.

How's Reneece?

She's good.

Spending all my money, though.

Well, here's the woman who's going to help you make more.

Tasha Mack, Ephraim Salaam of...

Houston Texans.

I like that.

I know who you are.

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you, too.

Uh, Kelly, can you show him into my office?

-I'll be just a minute. -Yeah.

I ordered you a soy mocha half caff latte.

I'm liking this place already.

(line ringing)

MALIK: Yeah, Ma.

Hey, Malik.

What up, Ma?

Look, Operation Fire White Girl is dead.

What?!

Ma... I already told Jason the situation was handled.

Look, I don't care what you told him.

I'm a strong, inspirational woman.

I'm not going to be a part of keeping another woman down.

Wha... so... what does that have to do with anything, Ma?

(groans loudly)

(Kelly clears throat)

I talked you up to him.

Knock him dead.

Thank you.

You're doing a great job, Kelly.

Keep up the good work.

Since I'm doing so great,

maybe we could talk about my benefits package.

Way ahead of you.

Hmm?

You're giving me a company car?

Better.

Key to the bathroom.

Hmm?

Hmm?

Live it up, girl.

Ephraim.

All right, I hear you.

Well, have Ms. Sidora call when hell unfreezes, okay?

Thanks.

Damn!

Plan "B."

Women love poetry.

Let's send her a text.

"My delicious 'D.'

"Where is the love, girl?

"You know you want a taste of this brown chocolate truffle.

"And in case you didn't know,

"truffles is hella expensive.

"So you better hurry up,

"girl, 'cause I'm like a bottle of Dom

"that's been left open.

"You don't want me to go flat.

Star QB, out."

Send it.

Ain't no way she gonna ice me on this one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's practically Shakespeare.

Exactly.

That's what I'm saying.

She know she want me, man.

I don't know why she playing hard to get.

-(electronic melody) -Oh, here.

She hit you right back.

That's what I thought.

"Save your thumbs.

"I'm not interested in your lies.

I'm occupied with a real man."

(laughing)

Wow, that's chilly, man.

Drew, Drew, Drew, baby girl,

you obviously know nothing about horror movies.

This guy is not the killer.

It's never this guy.

Okay.

Well, if you hate blood, you better close your eyes

'cause here comes the chainsaw!

-(buzzing on TV) -Hey, Boo.

-(screaming on TV) -Hey, let me call you back.

What's up, Boo?

Hi.

Oh, baby, you didn't have to hang up.

I could have brought that in.

Oh, it's okay, it was just Jason.

Again?

Yeah, apparently he's real needy in the off-season.

Hmm.

(cell phone trills)

Oh, you're getting a text.

(amplified heartbeat)

No...!

Thanks, babe.

Don't you even want to know who it is?

The only person I want to talk to

is right here in front of me.

Oh, baby.

You're so sweet.

Oh, babe... that smells so good.

You are so sweet

to know that I would not feel like cooking tonight.

Thought it might cushion the blow a bit.

Yeah, today was tough.

God, having a job

works a whole different muscle group than Pilates.

Yeah, well, it's all behind you now.

Yeah, until tomorrow.

You wouldn't believe our work schedule.

Whoa, wait, whoa, tomorrow, what?

I thought today was your last day.

Why would you think that?

'Cause Malik promised me Tasha would fire you.

Fire me?

Unbelievable.

So I stand up to you,

and you go behind my back and try to sabotage me?

That really sucks, Jason.

No, what sucks is that since she didn't fire you,

now you have to quit.

Which means you can't collect unemployment.

I'm not quitting.

I'm a great assistant.

And for the first time in my life,

I wasn't Mrs. Pitts or Mommy,

I was Kelly-Get-Your-Ass-In-Here.

And it felt good.

Kel, what the hell is going on?

A year ago, you would've jumped at the chance

to have another baby.

Yeah, and a month ago, you promised me

that you would stop trying to control me.

You said you were going to change.

I have... I have. I've changed.

I've been more open, been more honest, more supportive.

I'm wearing a damn apron.

I've been all that crap you wanted me to be.

Until now, Backstabby McStabberton.

Yeah, 'cause now you're changing, baby.

You know I don't like change...

except loose change.

You know when you're stepping off the curb

and you think it might be a gum wrapper,

but, oh, it's a dime.

That's, uh... yeah, that's a good day.

-Jason. -Hmm?

-Come back. -I'm sorry.

I was... I'm sorry.

Listen, I know it's scary

when you think that someone you love is changing.

But remember the first time you tried Kobe beef?

You loved it.

But did that stop you from going back to day-old rump roast?

No.

Because a part of you will always be cheap.

Just like I will always be the Kelly that you married.

And nothing and no one is going to stop me

from having another one of your Mardi-Gras-puppet-head babies.

But right now,

I need to find out who Kelly Pitts is

outside of this house.

All right, fine.

If that's what you need to do, I...

I won't try and stop you again.

-Thank you. -All right.

But you got to promise me the minute you get this

independent woman thing out of your system,

we're gonna have another baby-- maybe two.

-I promise. -All right.

I don't want you bringing any

of Tasha's black sass home with you, either.

Maybe in the bedroom, but that's it.

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