Original subtitles

(groans) Man, this is some bull!

This TV's got too much glare!

Tee Tee!

Boy, wake up.

Brush your teeth and get my rep on the phone.

Your TV rep?

The glare rep.

Malik...

if you don't get that boy out of this house...

It's midnight and y'all got practice in the morning.

And some of y'all need to practice.

And, Tee Tee, clean up these damn boxes.

This ain't your grandmama's house.

Good game, man.

All right, Rookie, how much I owe you?

Nah, man, it's cool.

What? Boy, I said I owe you.

And Malik Wright always pays his debt.

No matter what you heard.

You haven't heard anything, have you?

Nah.

Cool, cool.

So how much?

Well, won 19 games at $100 a game, so...

So... how much is that?

$1,900.

There you go.

Thanks, man.

But, Malik...

I'm not sure I can cash a check made out to "Rookie."

My bad, man.

"The... Rookie."

Daddy, Daddy, look at my booty.

Look at your what?

Her pirate booty.

Jeremy Swanson's birthday party-- real swords,

real pirate ships, real pirates.

Sounds real expensive.

Also, real dry.

The only thing they didn't have was a real bar.

Jeremy's mom's in A.A.

What's A.A., Mommy?

It's where mommies go when they find out

daddy's marrying the nanny.

Arrr!

Arrr!

I'm going to be a princess for my birthday.

Oh, really?

Not with these dirty paws.

(British accent): Go wash up, Your Majesty.

And with soap, Your Highness.

(chuckles)

Hey, babe...

get a load of the party favors.

MP3 player?

A cell phone?

Tickets to the Vagina Monologues?

How old is Jeremy Swanson, and how long has he been a lesbian?

He's six.

Just like Brittany's going to be in a few weeks.

You heard her.

She wants to be a princess.

So... I looked into it.

If we want to do a castle with a prince

and a horse-drawn carriage, it's around ten grand,

including the moat.

Then there's a drawbridge...

And-and, you know

what you can do?

You can make it a toll bridge,

so you have some way to pay for the party.

Jason...

I'm going to need some real money for this.

Fine. What can you get for 500 bucks?

I don't know-- a cake, some cheap plastic wands,

a couple of cardboard crowns.

Done! That party is going to rock.

Ooh, ooh!

-Jason... -Ooh, ooh!

Ooh...!

When I say "five," you say "hundred."

Five... five.

Where you at, Kel?

We can see the 7:30,

or we can wait until the 8:00, which is in THX.

Oh, yo, Mel, did I tell you?

Malik has THX wired throughout his whole house.

Yes, right after you told me

Malik leaps tall buildings in a single bound.

I'm sorry, Mel.

It's just so cool.

Me and one of the best quarterbacks in the league

hanging out, like we boys.

Like we boys, Mel!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I heard enough about...

Malik!

Right!

I was just toying with you before, Rookie.

Where's your TV?

Damn!

I figured you'd have a crappy TV,

but, brother, this screams "drug problem."

Yeah, there's been a little debate

as to whether we need a bigger TV.

Well, let me end that debate right now for you both.

You do.

Good thing I brought my own.

Yo, mutt! White boy bubble butt!

Mm, you rookies sure do come in handy.

Uh, Derwin.

Oh, yeah, Malik, man, not that I wouldn't love to play with you

right now, but me and my girl-- You remember my girl Melanie?--

we was just heading out to the movies.

(Malik chuckles)

Movies? With your girl Melanie?

Yeah.

And what movie were you going to see, Girl Melanie?

-We were going to see the new M. Night Shyamalan... -Saw it!

The grandma's an alien.

See? I saved you a trip and some money.

Now, come on, Rookie, let me win my money back.

(mouthing): I'm sorry.

Mommy, at my party, can we wear tiaras

and have pink ponies like at Sarah's party?

Hey, Brit...

since Sarah already had a princess party,

I was thinking maybe we could do something different.

Mommy, no! I have to be a princess!

I told all my friends.

And Kimmy Adler's having her birthday the same day,

which makes no sense,

because her birthday is on Tuesday, not Saturday,

which is my real birthday,

and she's having the Pussycat Dolls at her party!

Brittany, baby, breathe.

And how do you know about the Pussycat Dolls?

Please, mom, I'm going to be six, not five.

Don't remind me.

Sweet dreams.

I'm going to dream about my party.

Are you going to dream about it, too, Mommy?

According to Daddy, I'm already dreaming.

Good night.

NEWSCASTER: The forecast: Mostly sunny skies today

-with brisk easterly winds... -(sighs)

Good morning, Tasha!

Girl...

You blondes sure are chipper in the morning.

Must be the peroxide.

What's that?

Well, I never properly

welcomed you and Malik to the neighborhood.

We've been here two years.

So... welcome!

Is this last year's ESPY basket,

missing most of last year's gifts?

Is it?

Anyhoo, it's the thought, right?

Can I have some coffee?

Mm-hmm.

Mm... This coffee is amazing.

Can I borrow $10,000?

Bitch, please!

I'll pay you back as soon as Jason gives me my allowance.

Allowance?

What girl over 12 gets an allowance?

It's more of a stipend.

Look, any way you say it,

that man has you one step away from a paper route.

A lot of women have to ask their husbands for money.

Yeah, but you ain't asking your husband.

You're over here asking me.

Eyeballing my cookie jar.

You know what?

Matter of fact...

Oh, oh, no.

Why are you afraid to ask Jason

for money you are rightfully entitled to?

You've been married seven years.

You pushed his child out for him.

That should be worth at least $10,000.

Look, you don't understand.

Jason's weird about money.

I mean, he wants us to have everything that we need,

but he doesn't want us to be like

all the other bling-bling sports stars and their families,

with their plasma TVs and...

I'll never forget the first time Jason and I met.

It was his rookie season.

I was a Saberette.

The minute I saw him, I knew he was gonna be someone.

Mm.

First round draft pick with a $5 million signing bonus,

that's some leap of faith you made.

No.

Not just because he was some rich sports star,

but because he was an amazing man.

It was the way he walked, with his head held high.

Of course, every girl wanted to be with him.

So I held back.

He asked me out.

You want to know where we went on our first date?

To the batting cage.

This is going somewhere, right?

It was great.

Except they couldn't find a helmet

big enough for Jason's head.

But he just laughed.

He didn't go off like some spoiled athlete.

He may have a big head,

but he's not big-headed.

I knew then that I loved him.

I didn't care who he was or what he had.

And I wanted him to know that.

That's why I have trouble asking him for money.

I never want him to think that I'm just with him for the swag.

It's a beautiful story.

But you ain't getting no mink coat out of me.

A mink coat?

What am I, Zsa Zsa Gabor?

I need it for Brittany's birthday party.

Brittany's birthday party?

He won't give you money for his own baby's birthday?

No.

Hell, even when I didn't have a dime to my name,

I spent nine cents of it on Malik's birthday,

so that at least one day out of the year,

my baby could feel special.

Now, the rest of the month, I had to stretch out that penny.

But...

we still had our memories.

So... are you gonna give me the money?

Hell no!

Girl, that was when I was broke,

and I didn't have no financial guidance.

Look, Kelly...

you don't just have money issues with this man,

you have issues with this man.

Now, you had the bold-ass nerve

to come over here and ask me for money.

You need to use that same gumption

to stand up to your man.

He's your husband.

He's not your king.

You can do it, Kel.

Just got to pick the right time.

-Oh, oh, oh, my God. -Mm-hmm.

Woman!

You're on a mission.

That was good, right?

It was real good.

So, about Brittany's birthday.

I was thinking,

if we lose the carriage, maybe skimp on the tiaras,

we can get the budget down to a measly

$4,999.

$5,000, Kelly?

No.

-$4,999. -Okeydokey.

-Where are you going? -I told you

five hundred bucks.

I know, honey, I tried.

I can't do it for that.

Not the way Brittany wants it.

Brittany also wants to buy a house on Sesame Street.

Shall we call the broker?

Jason, she wants her friends to come to her party,

and they won't because Kimmy Adler's

having her birthday the same day.

Which makes no sense because her real birthday is on Tuesday,

but she's having the Pussycat Dolls.

The Pussycat Dolls?

At a six-year-old's party?

What's she gonna want for her seventh birthday,

a boob job?

We're the ones raising her

around all these rich kids.

Of course she's gonna want what they have.

Baby, she's five.

Exactly. She's too young to understand

why she can't have what everyone else has

even though we can afford it.

It's like we're taking her to an amusement park

and not letting her go on any of the rides.

Life is not an amusement park.

Our daughter is only gonna turn six once.

She wants to be a princess

and she wants her friends to be at her party.

Look, if her friends don't want to come to her party

because she doesn't have a moat or the Pussycat Dolls

or a Botox stand,

then they're not her real friends.

She'll learn a valuable lesson.

Why does she have to learn that lesson at six?

Why not? You know how easy it is to make friends at six?

You say, "Hi, I'll race you to the sandbox."

Boom, new best friend.

Great, so now I have to tell our daughter

that she can't have the birthday party that she wants.

She'll be crushed.

Oh, hold the drama, Meryl Streep.

Brit will be fine. She's gonna have

a ball no matter what we do for her birthday.

But I gave you world-class sex!

I know and I feel really used.

Oh!

(knocking on door)

-Who could that be at this hour? -(pounding on door)

It's Malik.

It's 3:00 in the morning.

Just be quiet, we'll go back to bed, he'll go away.

MALIK: I can hear you.

Let me in.

No, don't open the door.

Mel, he can hear us.

Derwin, no.

Oh, so y'all gonna treat a brother

like a Jehovah's Witness?

Shoot, I just came from the club,

Rook, and I'm feeling it.

This is Constance.

-Say hey, Constance. -Hey.

Come on, Rook.

Brush them crumbs out your eyes, boy.

-Let's do it. -Derwin.

(mouths): Come here.

Excuse me.

Oh, dude, don't knock yourself out

fixing me nothing, I ate.

I have class in three hours.

I know, baby, but...

Malik has been here every single night this week.

He's never going to beat you.

Yes, I am. I'm a winner, baby.

Sho' is.

What am I supposed to do? He's the quarterback.

I don't care.

Make him leave, now.

-I can't. -Okay.

Well, if you can't, I will.

No, Melanie. I got this.

-Obviously, you don't. -Ooh.

I heard that.

Baby, why don't you go back to bed

and we'll talk about this in the morning.

No, we'll talk about this now.

He has to go.

You asking me or you telling me?

Dawg, she's definitely telling you.

Look, you didn't ask me

if he could come over every single night this week.

Oh, I didn't realize I needed permission to have

someone come over my own house.

Oh, you mean, our own house, right?

Come on, Rook, I ain't got all night.

Derwin, I'm sorry, but this isn't happening.

Oh, Melanie, I think it is.

Malik, let's play.

Do you mind if I heat up my chalupa?

I'm sorry I have to bail on the Sunbeam meeting,

but I've got class.

Someone with class wouldn't wear white

after Labor Day.

It's winter white.

And what are you so pissy about?

I'm sorry. It's not you.

It's just couple stuff.

Do you want to talk about it?

-Not really. -Good.

Because I'm so over Derwin.

What happened? Did he leave you

for that publicist girl of his?

No, it's just like...

Wait, why would you say that?

I don't know.

So what's the problem?

I've learned to make compromises for Derwin's career,

but I'm not about to make them in my own house.

He has to learn it's not all about him.

They all need that seminar.

They're so selfish and narcissistic

and pigheaded and cheap.

-Are we still talking about Derwin? -Look...

just remember, everything you do in your relationship now

is the blueprint for the rest of your lives.

Start like you want to finish.

Now I know we're not talking about Derwin.

Dish.

No, you have class.

If I had class, I wouldn't be pulling out

this wine cork with my teeth.

Now, spill it.

-(crying) -Don't cry, sweetie.

It's gonna be all right.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's up, Brit Brat?

Why all the tears?

She's upset because most of her friends

don't want to come to her party.

They want to see the Pussycat Dolls.

(crying)

But, baby, you have to realize

that those kids aren't your real friends.

And your real friends like Lilly and Aubrey are coming.

We're gonna have

sheet cake, silly string

and a piñata that Mommy's making herself.

A piñata?

I don't want

a stupid piñata party.

All right, come here.

Come here, come here, Brit Brat.

Now, Brit Brat, who are we?

-We're Pitts. -And what are Pitts?

Pitts are proud.

That's right and we don't cry

just 'cause some jokers don't want to come to our parties.

Do we care about those fools?

-No. -All better now?

(crying): No.

Okay. Okay, okay, shh. You know what?

Daddy has an idea.

Forget the sheet cake and the stupid piñata.

How about we take

your bestest friends in the whole wide world

to Disneyland

for a real princess party?

-No way. -Way.

Can I bring Lilly and Aubrey?

You can bring whoever you think is bestest.

I'm gonna go call them right now.

I love you, Dad.

Oh, I love you, too, Brit Brat.

(closes cabinet loudly)

(silverware clatters in drawer)

Is there a problem?

-(silverware clatters) -No.

There's no problem.

You just rode in on your white horse

and saved the day.

Good for you, you're using comped tickets

to take your daughter to Disneyland.

After I had to beg,

borrow and steal all week.

As usual, Mommy's the ass who can't do anything.

What is your problem?

I thought you wanted me to do something special.

Please! They sponsor you, Jason.

That's like the time you gave me a Black and Decker

gift basket for my birthday.

That's not special, that's convenient.

So wait,

are we talking about Brittany or are we talking about you?

We're talking about you being a dictator in this household.

Oh, now I'm a dictator?

For wanting to make my daughter happy?

That's... that's rich.

No, you're a dictator

because you made the decision alone.

No, it wasn't a decision. It was a proclamation,

an edict, an order.

It would've been nice if you'd come to me

and offered Disneyland as an option.

You already had your mind set on some over-the-top

princess party. You didn't...

you-you weren't open to anything else.

How do you know that?

Did you ask me? No.

You never ask me; you tell me.

I get it, Jason. You're the king.

(door closes)

Ooh, you're running out of time, Rook.

You're 'bout to go down, boy.

Hey, Girl Melanie. How was your day?

I'm doing this for us, Derwin.

I want us to start like we want to finish.

No!

What in the...?

I was just about to win.

Man, there were five seconds left, okay, you won.

No, I didn't.

You don't give me nothing, Rook.

Now fire it up, we gotta go again.

-Uh-uh, no, Malik... -Melanie, I got this.

Woo, that's right, Rookie. Handle your business.

And I'm about to.

Dawgs, you gots to bounce.

(laughing)

That's funny, Rookie.

-Plug it back in. -No, Malik.

No matter how many times we play, man,

you are never gonna win.

Boy, I was just about to grease you.

No, I was about to let you grease me

to get you up out of my house.

I mean, oh...

Our house.

Aww, look at the rookie.

Standing up for himself.

And Girl Melanie, standing there looking

at your man like he's all that.

But he ain't.

He's still a rookie.

One who's got to bring my TV back tomorrow.

But don't come before 10:00.

Or after 10:01.

Mm-mmm, I think I'm feeling like

some breakfast crepes tomorrow. Oh...

and some chicken sausage.

Hey, Boo.

Now your man just handled business.

Can I at least get a kiss?

Double-lock that door

and you'll get more than a kiss.

Oh...

Gonna do that thang. Gonna do that thang.

Ah, she's gonna love it, man.

Thanks. Peace.

Yes. Yes.

Hey, Brittany!

Can you come down here for a minute?

Kelly, Kel,

guess what? Not only

are Brit and her friends gonna have Cinderella,

i.e., the most famous princess in the world at her party,

they are also going to ride on her float

in the big parade. Ta-da!

I said, "Ta-da."

That's great, Jason.

I'm sure she'll really love it.

Come on, Kel.

-I'm trying here. -I know.

-And I'm sure she'll really appreciate it. -Baby.

-What do you want, Dad? -Brit Brat,

guess what?

What?

Mommy has a surprise for you.

What, Mommy, what?

What's the surprise? I'm dying here.

Guess what your daddy did?

He called Cinderella and she wants

you, Lilly and Aubrey

to ride on her float.

And then when you're on top of the float,

you can wave to Mommy and Daddy and all your subjects.

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