Original subtitles

♪♪

- Hey, mirror. Do my lips look kissable?

[ Buzzer ]

Is it my face that's holding me back?

[ Bell dings ]

[ Gasps ] Beauty influencer Dillin Jeremy!

Is that really you?! - No, Annie.

I'm a targeted AI brought to you by Cover That Girl makeup.

Our eavesdropping algorithm tells me you're feeling insecure

and are likely to make an impulse purchase?

- [ Gasps ] That's true!

- Let's cover up that homely loneliness with sex appeal.

Simply accept the terms. - Oh, okay.

- You've purchased our wet look tutorial.

Maximum drip!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

♪♪

- Annie. Why do you look like a melted gummy bear?

- Are you trying to attract boys...or dryer lint?

- Boy-- Oh.

- Your face is really drippin' on the floor here!

- Geez. Sorry.

I tried a wet makeup look, but it's useless.

I'll never have a boyfriend. - Aww, kid.

That's just what I thought when I was your age.

And I was right!

Not one boyfriend ever! [ Cackles ]

[ Baby crying ]

- ♪ I'm not as crazy as I used to be ♪

♪ Some of my devils up and left me free ♪

♪ To find a quiet space

♪ I'm not as out of place

♪ And I'm coming home again

♪ It's been too long a time

♪ Gettin' back what's mine

♪ And I can't remember why I went away ♪

♪ But it's looking now like maybe I can stay ♪

Was that any good?

- So, what's the main takeaway from our electoral college unit?

- Students: Women are not suited for higher office.

- Oh, we have a new student today!

Meet your new classmate, Kenton Burpy.

[ Whirring ]

[ Ding! ]

[ Squishing ]

Why don't you tell the class about yourself

while I take a little nap? - Sure!

Well, I was hit by a truck filled with sand and died.

Then I went to Heaven. Then I came back!

Then I moved to Fort Gator!

- Students: Ooh! - Any questions?

- Bet you went to Heaven 'cause you're a virgin.

- Maybe I am.

Or maybe that's just want I wanted God to think.

- Students: Ooh! - [ Chuckles ]

J.K. I'm 100% virgin and proud.

- [ Students groan ] - Xenu does not approve!

- I was already drenched, but now I'm sopping.

- Oh, boy. Yep, yep, yep.

♪♪

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

- Oh! It smells amazing in here! [ Gasps ] You made my favorite!

- Both: Pickled smelt and horsehair stew!

- [ Inhales sharply ] - [ Camera shutter clicking ]

Trophy, can you please do that somewhere else?

- No. I'm taking selfies with the stew!

They're called stewfies, stew-pid! Keep up!

- Aah!

The stew is eating Shirty!

Is there an emergency shirt hotline we can call?!

- I'll try the suicide hotline.

There must be an extension for shirts.

- Stay with me, Shirty! Stay with me, Shirty!

Look at me! Look at me, Shirty!

[ Squish ]

[ Sobbing ]

[ Shirty groans ]

- Oh, no! Shirt-y-y-y-y!

- Petey. Try calm down.

I know Shirty give you feeling of safety and security,

but Baba here for you.

Remember when you little boy?

[ Twinkling ]

- Baba! Did Timmy's mommy call?

He was supposed to come over and fly kites this morning!

[ Gasps ] - [ Crunching ]

- Why is Timmy sleeping in the dead-person basement?

- Timmy fly kite into traffic.

Okay. Baba help you process feelings of loss.

Here. Go to sleep. Like a bird!

♪ Drink up the fluid, little tyke ♪

♪ You so bad at fly-a-kite

- [ Sobbing ]

[ Humming ]

Baba, you're gonna have to cancel the Lemonham funeral.

Without Shirty, I'm not sure

when I'll be able to resume my duties as undertaker.

- [ Groans ] - Just put on another shirt!

- I have no other shirt!

Shirty met all my needs, if you know what I mean.

All my needs. - Ew!

- I don't know why you turn to shirt for comfort

instead of finding fertile woman your own age.

- Because he has separation anxiety! Which is your fault.

- Huh. I always thought it Shirty's fault.

- Pete's never going to grow up

unless you push him out of his comfort zone.

- I'll have you know even my comfort zone is uncomfortable.

- Trophy terrible mother, but she right.

Time to snip-snip apron strings.

Pete, you go to mall and pick out new shirt yourself!

- You know I can't drive without Shirty!

- [ Sighs ] Okay. Baba drive you.

♪♪

- Every time I see him, my libido gets born again.

- If it gets born one more time,

I'm gonna need a bigger mop!

- To prepare you for Friday's genetics quiz,

today we're going to watch some of my old home movies

and boo when my mother comes on screen.

- Hey, Kenton. I was wondering.

Are there boyfriends in Heaven? - Hm. I'm not sure.

But I did get to play two-on-two basketball with the Steves --

Jobs, McQueen, and Hawking.

- Sounds like a lot of two-way fun.

I wouldn't know about that.

- We can change that. Right now.

Let me borrow your hand for a second.

Here! Like the word of God,

friendship bracelets are meant to be shared!

- The chafe of friendship.

I never thought it would happen to me.

- Hey, me and my band, we're chillin' at my place tonight.

You should come chill. Or whatever. No presh.

- I'm feeling the presh, but it's good presh.

I-I like the presh.

- Great! It's a date.

- A date...

[ Up-tempo dance music plays ]

♪♪

- Mom! Mom! Guess what! - No!

I'm sick of hearing about new ways to recycle.

Throwing plastic in the trash makes Mommy happy.

- Something great happened!

- [ Gasps ] You picked up my use-as-needed pills?

- Well, yes. - [ Rattling ]

- And a boy asked me out!

- [ Gulps ] Wait. A real boy?

Baba! Get in here!

- Baba here. - [ Both gasp ]

- Baba been here.

- Annie's going on her first date!

- Trophy, remember when you 14?

Baba come with you.

First date, third handjob.

- Aww!

You actually did a lot of the heavy lifting on that.

- How else you learn?

In old country, mother chaperone daughter's first date.

Is family tradition, like not being able to afford college.

- So, where we headed, Annie? Behind the bleachers?

Dog track? Dialysis center?

- No offense, but I'd rather go alone.

I really like him, and you can never act appropriately.

- Sure I can!

Just describe his penis to me ahead of time,

then I won't be tempted to peek.

- Mom! It's not like that.

He clinically died for 30 minutes, went to Heaven,

then came back on a mission to tell people about God.

I guess you guys have the "previously dying" thing

in common. - Heaven's a lie, Annie.

This guy's a liar. A virgin liar.

- I'm a virgin, too, ya know.

- Not the way you ride bike. - [ Horn honks ]

- Baba, I'm as ready as I'll ever be!

- Best of luck with handjob. - Fine.

I want him to think I come from a good family.

Can I at least tell him you're a troubled teen

whose soul I'm trying to save?

- I can still pass for a troubled teen.

- Thanks. If I do lose my virginity tonight,

I'll be thinking of you the whole time!

♪♪

- [Grunting] No! - Hoopah!

Okay. I drive around parking lot.

See you in 30 minute.

- But how will I know which shirt is "the one"

without your passive acceptance or glaring disapproval?

- Snip-snip! Ooh! Here jar of nickels.

After you find shirt, stop at powdered-milk store,

buy two packet of chalk flavor!

Wha-- Wait!

Shoppers will think you incel with concealed weapon.

There. Make the people feel safe.

[ Tires squeal ]

♪♪

[ Indistinct conversations ]

- Welcome to "Lids. But for Shirts. America!"

Let me know if you need help. Uncle Pete.

- I need a new shirt. - Of course.

This Vesper Cottondale's a close match.

Soft and dependable.

You'll notice the contrasting top button,

the French placket, a curved hemline,

and rear darts for a tailored fit!

- This shirt's not giving me that same, "I'll be okay

even if Mom's in the other room" feeling.

- Completely understand!

Try this one. Uncle Pete.

- Let me ask you something.

Would you be trying to sell me this physical assault

with a hem and a collar if my mother was here?

- I'm sorry? - Yes, you should be sorry.

Sorry for preying on vulnerable, unaccompanied grown men!

I'm taking my business elsewhere!

- Elsewhere closed early today!

- Oh, no! Now what, Shirty?

- Remember what Baba always says.

When God closes a shirt store, he opens a shirt kiosk.

- She is so wise!

- We've got a shirtless white male

with a gun bulge in his pocket headed towards

the Me Love You Lawn Time Garden Center.

I'll investigate as soon as I finish up with this

doughy, salty subject I've currently got in custody.

Over.

♪♪

- Hey, Annie! So glad you could stop by!

Who's your friend? - Kenton, this is my mom.

Er -- Did I say "Mom"? I meant "Moam."

As in "my main moam."

Like how guys say "main man." Girls say "main moam."

She's a troubled teen I'm helping.

- Very cool.

Well, these are my bandmates and fellow believers --

Shayla, Dushane, and Deacon. - [ Choir vocalizing ]

- You're just in time!

We're about to play "All God's Critters

Got a Place in the Choir" on hand bells!

[ Bells chime ]

- Whoa! This place is amazing!

Look! A theater-sized popcorn popper!

- Yeah, my dad sued the sand company

that owned the sand truck that ran me over.

My parents would've gotten even more money if I died

and didn't come back to life.

My dad mentions that -- a lot.

- So ya kicked the bucket then retrieved the bucket

and put it back where it was, huh?

- Yeah, except I made a tiny pit stop in between.

A little place called... Heaven.

- [Softly] Lying sack of garbage.

- Speaking of, you guys want to play Seven Minutes in Heaven?

[Singsong voice] Annie, you and Kenton can go first.

- Fine, but it's against tradition.

- I can't wait!

- Maybe you can't, but Heaven can.

- Your arm's gonna get tired.

Okay. We have seven minutes to kill, possibly five.

Any of you 18 and already have HPV?

If so, I'll play.

- It's Succatash and the Mer! For your afternoon commute.

We got traffic on the ones, Weather on the What!

Succatash. Call us up, win some cash! Be caller number 9.

Just answer the question of the day.

Call to play. It's Ladies Day! Hey, ladies! Shopping!

Let's open up the phones.

- Ohh! Baba love shopping.

[ Telephone ringing ]

♪♪

- [ Panting ]

- Welcome to "Shirts, Don't It?"

- I'm Peter Fantasy! I'm in desperate need

of a shirt and my mother's approval!

Please hurry! - Need more information.

- It needs to cover my chest and stomach,

boost self-esteem, and reduce shame.

- Still searching.

- Faster! I've got a funeral to get to!

Normal man shirt! But not itchy!

Extra-grip buttons for sweaty thumbs!

- You've selected "buttons."

There are 1,500 shirts with buttons.

Here's the top choice based on your DNA

and psychological profile.

- Polyester cotton blend. Two arms.

Ohh! A neck hole.

This is promising. What's my size?

- You've asked, "What's my size?"

Connecting you to our award-winning

user help portal and measuring center.

- Please remain still for measurement

while you enjoy this ad for Nester's Cheese Nebulizer.

- Take that Nester Cheese straight to the dome!

Nester's Cheese Nebulizer comes in new extreme flavors!

Monterey Crack,

Chili Con Gnarly, and Flamin' Flag!

- Thank you for waiting.

We have selected the properly sized shirt.

Please take this 30-question satisfaction survey.

On a scale of one to ten,

how likely are you to purchase Nester's Cheese Nebulizer?

- [ Stammers ] Six? What about my shirt?!

- To purchase, please confirm you are ready

for the first day of the rest of your luh-luh-life.

- I do.

[ Zapping ]

[ Clanking ]

- [ Gasps ] It's no use, Shirty.

I'll never satisfy Baba or replace you!

- I have to go now.

But know that Baba believes in you!

And so do I.

Find a new shirt, Pete!

- I'm gonna do it!

You'll see! You'll all see!

This one's for my mother!

- Oh, right. This guy.

We got a topless incel talking about his mom,

Definitely gonna shoot up the place.

I'm gonna take him out. Ohp. Wait a minute.

There's a note on his back. Ugh. False alarm.

- And I guess my favorite kind of prayer is the bedside prayer,

just 'cause it sums up the day so nice.

Or the reverse-cowgirl prayer!

That's when a cowgirl begs for the Lord's forgiveness

for all the saucy pants she wears.

How 'bout you? - I don't pray.

But I have a poem I recite when I lose a sock from a pair.

It's from the lost sock's point of view,

wishing to be reunited with its mate.

Kenton? Aren't you gonna kiss me?

- Huh? We're here to play Seven Minutes in Heaven, silly,

the game where I talk about Heaven for seven minutes.

So, my grandma was there, but this time,

she was super in favor of gay marriage.

I also played a game of chess with Martin Luther King Jr.,

who spread the message that veganism is lit!

- That sounds just like something MLK would say.

- Please don't interrupt, Annie! I only have seven minutes!

[ Telephone ringing ]

- Hello. Is Baba caller nine?

- You'll find out right after you

answer our question of the day. Mer?

- Tell us about your last breakup.

You sound like a very passionate woman.

- [ Sighs ] Well, it was this morning.

Baba finally had to snip-snip!

- Oh, brutal! Vasectomy of the heart!

Why'd you cut him loose, Baba?

- Bet he was lousy in bed. Mm-hmm.

- True. He still can't sleep through night.

But he good boy. - Dag, girl.

He sounds like a luh-luh-loser!

- Petey not loser!

He just do better with Baba help.

- Sounds like Baba's not ready to let him go.

What's your verdict, Succatash? - Own it!

- Baba...own it?

- Seems like you've still got feelings for him.

Plus you're caller number 6!

Succatash, Succatash. That sucka-sucka sucks!

[ Beep ]

- [ Tires screech ] - Yes. Baba own it!

Baba coming, Petey!

- [ Gasps ] Ooh! - Hey! What the hell!

- No! - Ew! He's running and sweating!

- That won't work! [ Gasps ] I don't understand.

Why can't I find it?!

No! Not that!

Get out of my way! - Ow!

- Move! - Boy. Here we go again.

- I've got a right to bare arms! - Oh, my gun's in the car.

- Society's not gonna stop Old Petey boy

from getting his last shot!

- Oh, no, sweetie, you're gonna get shot again.

- Xenu approves! - This is so boring.

- Welcome to Only Pants. I'm Charlie Pants.

No relation to the Only Pants Pants.

Our same names are just a coinci-pants.

- Please -- show me your finest shirt!

- Did you catch the name of the store, pal?

We only sell pants.

- I hoped you were a store for shoppers who only have pants!

'Cause right now that's all I've got!

- Sir, I'm going to need you

to lower your voice and exit the store.

- Every day, I wake up and sexlessly touch the dead

without issue, thanks to a very special,

irreplaceable shirt that's now...gone!

WHY WON'T YOU HELP ME?!

- Hey, Fred! In here! We got us a code YIKES.

- [ Gasps ] Put down your weapon!

And put your shirt on! - Huh?

Oh, no! The sign fell off! - Hands where I can see 'em!

[ Chimes ringing ]

- [ Gasps ] Uh-agh...

- Ugh! Stop! What are you doing?!

When the bottle lands on you, you have to close your eyes

and ask God to let you into Heaven some day.

- Listen. Now, Annie didn't want me to mention this, but...

I actually died and came back to life.

Except you don't see me making a big deal out of it!

Okay?

- [ Scoffs ] You met God?

- [ Scoffs ] I don't know. I meet a lot of people.

Now, can we make out already?

- Well, uh, if you really went to Heaven,

how does Steve Jobs take his coffee, hm?

- There is no Heaven! Kenton is a liar!

[ All gasp ]

- Moam, I know you're troubled, but Annie and I

were just getting to the good part.

- It's not what you think.

- Kenton, you can drop the savior act.

Annie's willing to give you handjobs

entirely based on your face.

And if she chickens out, as many women do, I'm here to help.

- We need to wait till marriage for up-and-downs!

[ Gasps ] I think you better go.

[ All gasp ] - Listen.

I died for real, kid, and there's no afterlife.

Just admit it. You made it up!

- Annie! I'm not lying. I swear.

- Prove it! - Wh-- How?

- Well, why don't you and I have a friendly little

come-back competition?

[ All gasp ]

- Then Mother sent me to find a new shirt without her!

- Baba coming! - And get some powdered milk!

Here! I'll show you! - He's reaching for his weapon!

- Beep-beep! Baba here! - Everybody reach for yours!

[ Rattling ]

[ Gunshot ]

- Please no shoot! He good boy!

Baba should have been here!

- Stand down. We got a mama's boy, not a bad boy.

All clear. Just a different kind of "yikes." Over.

- [ Grunts ]

- Sorry about your nickels, Baba.

I wasn't able to find a shirt.

- Is Baba fail, Petey.

Snip-snip was bad plan. No worry.

I retie apron strings...

[Straining] ....even tighter!

[ Grunting ]

[ Chimes ringing ]

- No! - Kenton, you can't!

- Don't do it! - Kenton!

- I need to prove I would never lie to a friend.

Actually...a girlfriend.

[ All gasp ]

- Somebody seems to care more about Annie

than he does about God!

- You're just jealous! What?

Everyone knows Kenton gives you impure thoughts.

- He gives all of us impure thoughts!

- Come on, Kenton!

If God were real, he wouldn't have all day.

- You mean "she." - Oh, now I'm sure you're lying.

Let's get on with it! - It's true!

God is super busy, and she doesn't appreciate

when people waste her time, same as Ben Stiller.

- Kenton, no! Let's go back in the closet and pray instead!

And maybe, if you feel like God would be cool with it,

you can guess my bra size.

- Annie, if I don't make it back,

know that in spite of everything

my friends and Moam said, I don't think you're boring.

But if I do get to return,

I'll ask God if we can lay the groundwork

for some light kissing in three to six months.

- Oh, Kenton. Please don't do it.

- Time to play Seven Minutes in Heaven. For real.

[ All gasp ]

- Now Baba protect you wherever you go.

It too late for you to be well-adjusted grown man.

Baba learn from wise man name Succatash to just "own it."

[ Rasta horn blares ]

- Mmm. It's perfect!

- Yes. Baba very good mother.

Now go do funeral for paying customers.

[ Chimes ringing ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Flat line ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Buzzer ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Whoosh ]

[ Choir vocalizing ]

- Hey, Steve! Have you seen God around?

- She's over there making it rain

with Luke Perry and Nipsey Hussle.

- Get them umbrellas ready, Texas!

Oh, hey, Kenton. - Hey, little brother.

He missed us and came back.

Welcome home forever, Kenton.

- Actually, God, I hate to ask,

but could you send me back again?

I'm only here because my girlfriend's friend

didn't believe me about Heaven.

- I'm sorry.

A few years ago, I had to make a policy of two lives only.

Somebody -- I won't say who -- ruined it for everyone.

- It was Steve Irwin, wasn't it? - It was.

I'm sorry, Kenton.

- What?! But Annie's waiting for me!

- Annie means well, honey, but she's from a messed-up family.

And Trophy isn't her friend. That's her mom.

- You mean her moam.

- Baby, you're better off up here with us.

- Hey. Is Trophy here yet?

At least now she'll know that Heaven's real.

- Well...

[ Whoosh ]

[ Rumbling ]

[ Beeping ]

- It's been seven minutes! - Kenton?

Come back! Come back, Mom!

- Um, it's pronounced "Moam."

- How could you leave me again?!

And take the first and maybe only boyfriend I'll ever have!

- [ Zapping ] - [ Gasps ]

- Yes! I win!

The afterlife is a dark, boring void.

In your dead face! - Kenton?

- Move away from the light, Kenton! Move away!

- Tell God I've never been naked!

- Maybe he died for our sins?

- Forget him. He was clearly a fraud.

Here's all you need to know.

When you suppress your sexual urges

in the name of religion, things get weird.

- Maybe he died so we can touch...tongues?

- [ Gasps ] Or rub our ankles together in hot tubs?

- Kids, it doesn't matter who or what you do.

There is no God.

- We were gonna lightly kiss in three to six months,

pending God's approval, and now he's...

- Gone forever!

But we will get those pudgy little fingers

around some other teen's peen before ya know it.

[ Beeping ]

[ Choir vocalizing ]

[ Dog barking ]

- [ Groans ]

Hey, God? - Are you happy I paired you up

with Anna Nicole Smith for eternity?

- I am. Totally. Yeah. It's just, um --

Can you tell me how to get my pants off?

The waist won't budge, and there's no zipper.

And I'm pretty eager to finally have sex since I died a virgin.

I even turned down a tuggie huggie

so I could get back to Heaven! - Oh, honey.

You were supposed to get sex out of your system on Earth.

Up here, pants never come off, and no one has genitals.

It's Heaven!

♪♪

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