Original subtitles

Whoo!

Whoo!

That was so great!

It was okay.

I didn't come though.

But you do usually come, though, right?

Yeah. I mean, with other guys.

But not with me?

Well, this is quite a surprise.

Who gave you these orgasms, then?

Tom Baker, Joe Fuchart, Ryan Bailey...

Okay, I get it. I get it.

- What did they do different? - I don't know. Maybe do some research.

Am I bad at sex?

- Hello? - Good morning, darling!

- Wanted to make sure you didn't sleep in. - Mm-hmm.

- You had breakfast yet? - Mm-hmm.

Can I please have more than a one-grunt answer?

Have you told Jakob yet?

I'm about to be on-air, sweetheart, so I'll… We'll talk about that later.

We have Dr. Jean Milburn here to talk about her new book,

Uneducated Nation - A Sex Education Manifesto for Our Youth.

She wrote this as a response to working on campus at Moordale Secondary,

which got some pretty bad press recently following a chlamydia outbreak,

and the performance of a so-called "sex musical."

So, Dr. Milburn, tell us about the book.

Well, I was shocked at the ineptitude of the SRE curriculums in schools.

So I created this easy-to-read manual to help empower our teenagers,

and their parents, as they become sexually active young adults.

Sounds a bit racy.

Well, if, by racy, you mean highly researched

and completely essential to the health and well-being of our children,

then, yes, I suppose it is.

A lot of people will be sitting at home thinking,

"I wasn't taught this stuff, and I…"

Thanks.

"Is it really necessary?"

Hopefully, if people read my book, they'll understand how…

They're not still going on about "Sex School," are they?

Mm. It's as if no one in this town's had sex before.

Okay, thanks for the tea, Joe!

I better go.

I don't wanna be late for my first day.

If you're not gonna finish your tea, at least take your lunch.

Oh.

It's a fancy sandwich. Cheese and ham.

- Wow. - Mm.

Hm. Thank you. See you later. Have a nice day.

- Bye. - Good luck!

Enough of the yearning looks, you pillock. Just tell her you like her already.

- Hi! - Hi!

Nice ride, Aimes.

Thanks! Mum thinks I'm safer driving than getting the bus, so here we are.

Okay.

Who's this?

Maeve, that's Steve.

No, Aimee, the goat.

Oh! She's our commitment animal.

Apparently, pets bring couples closer together.

We didn't think about who was gonna look after her when we're at school, so…

Yeah. Right!

Whoa! Hey!

Sorry, love!

- Aimes? - You okay?

- No! - Yeah.

Let's try that again, shall we?

Oatcake, what's on your face?

It's a mustache. I've been growing it all summer,

but somebody has been too busy having sex with their new boyfriend to notice.

Uh, I was hoping it was a phase.

And Adam and I aren't having sex sex.

We're just doing hand jobs and stuff.

Hand jobs is sex. Virginity is a construct.

Yes! Yes, I know!

But I really want to go all the way!

What is it you want to say to me?

I think you need to be careful.

And I think you need to make more of an effort with him.

Okay. Okay, I will.

Hey, I forgot to tell you. I saw Maeve the other day.

Why are you telling me about Maeve?

- I thought you might wanna know? - She hasn't responded to my message.

She's made it abundantly clear she doesn't want me in her life, so, no.

I don't need to know what Maeve is doing anymore.

Well, I just...

Oh my God!

The fuck is that?

- Adam, you fucking idiot! - Fuck!

Whoo! Ha ha!

All right, New Kid?

What is that on your face?

What's Adam Groff doing back?

I heard his mum bribed the school to let him back.

And you know he's gay now, right?

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Oatcake, you all right?

I'm A-okay, Eric. I'm fine. I'm chillaxed!

To the max!

Okay then, Mr. Mustache.

So you guys didn't speak much over summer?

No. I haven't heard from him since last term.

- I always thought you two would make up. - We're not fighting.

We're just not friends anymore.

Why's there a camera crew here?

You've grown!

Massive!

Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, girls! Why is there a goat on campus?

She's mine and Steve's commitment animal.

Right. You didn't think of a hamster?

Or, um, a terrapin?

Or a worm farm?

How's Eugene?

I mean, long-distance is hard,

but I think if we play our cards right, we'll both end up at Oxford.

Did I tell you he speaks six languages?

Yes.

Here are some of the students currently attendingwhat has been dubbed

the "Sex School."

Oh, excuse me, young man, what can you tell us

about last year's chlamydia outbreak on campus?

Please speak.

We're live.

Uh, hi. Hi.

I'm Eric Effiong.

And all I can say about the outbreak was that it was absolutely terrifying.

We were scared for our lives.

Do you have an opinion, young man?

Yes.

Firstly, it was mass hysteria,

not a chlamydia outbreak. Your facts are wrong.

- Otis, shh! We're on TV. - Yeah, shut up, Milburn!

- Are you Dr. Jean Milburn's son? - Yes. Yes, he is that.

Are the students of Moordale as depraved as your mother makes out in her new book?

I think my mum's book is an honest insight into teenagers today,

and people should probably read it before speculating.

You should probably read it.

Probably.

It's true. I do love an empty school.

- But it's nice to see the students. - Priceless.

I used to teach geography before I became a headmaster.

I'm also very experienced in teaching history and...

Thanks for coming in, Mr. Groff. We will consider your application.

Are you actually going to consider my application?

No.

I'm sorry. The controversy surrounding Moordale Secondary is too fresh.

You're also far too experienced for this role.

This is the fifth teaching position that I've applied for,

and frankly, I'm running out of options.

It's still a no.

Good morning, Moordale!

How is everyone feeling today?

Really good!

I am your new head teacher, Mrs. Haddon,

but you can call me Hope.

She's cool. Teachers aren't supposed to be cool.

The first thing you need to know about me

is that I used to be sitting where you are now.

Literally.

Yeah, I went to Moordale too.

- I love her lipstick. It's so bold. - Mm.

I've achieved a lot since then.

Two degrees, teaching positions at some of the country's top institutions,

and by 28, I became the youngest head teacher in the UK.

But the years I spent in this building were the best of my life.

This school not only encouraged me to excel academically,

but it truly allowed me to find my purpose.

Which is why it's been so hurtful to read some of the horrible things

written about Moordale in the press.

I don't know what went wrong

or how we ended up here,

but I do know

it changes today.

I can promise you this.

If you work hard and you take pride in your school,

I will get Moordale and your futures

back on track.

- Yeah! - Oh!

- Wow! - Come on, girl!

So let me hear you.

Let's get Moordale…

Back on track!

Let's get Moordale…

- I love her. - Back on track!

She's like Joan of Arc, but cooler.

- Back on track! - Yes!

Wow!

- Thank you all! - Come on.

To a great start and a great week. And oh!

Can Otis Milburn and Maeve Wiley come to my office, please?

You get to meet her in the flesh.

Maeve!

Hi, Jakob!

You're looking well.

Oh, this?

Funny story.

You impregnated me.

Surprise!

Oh shit.

Damn it! Shit, shit, shit!

How come you're back in school?

I wanna learn some shit, don't I?

You must be Jackson Marchetti, famed head boy.

That would be me.

Of course. Of course.

Acting, swimming extraordinaire.

I'm re-enrolling. I think I need to take some kind of test.

Ah, yes, Mr. Groff's son.

My receptionist has your paperwork.

Hi, guys. You can go straight in.

Jackson, can I get you to come back a bit later?

It was really lovely to meet you.

I've heard a lot about the two of you.

Sit down.

Don't worry. You're not in any trouble.

An on-campus sex clinic for teenagers is rather entrepreneurial, in my opinion.

Shows a lot of business savvy.

Is it something you're wanting to pursue?

N… no.

No. We don't run the clinic anymore.

We've realized it wasn't very ethical, and we...

We sort of stopped being friends. We grew apart.

Oh. That's a shame.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that Moordale is here to encourage your passions.

It would be great if you could keep me in the loop

of any further business endeavors you come up with in the future.

That's it.

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, Otis…

Tell your mum I'm really looking forward to reading her book.

I will… Yeah. Yeah.

- I thought we were screwed. - Me too.

- Shit. Well, thank God. - Yeah.

So why aren't we friends anymore?

Nice beard.

What's your point?

Nothing.

We're just in different places.

If that's what you wanna call it.

Bye, Otis.

Maeve?

Yeah?

It's called a mustache.

Yeah, no shit.

- Wait. Did anyone see you coming in? - No, I was careful.

Okay.

Careful there. Careful there.

Okay.

Oh, your aftershave is so cheap. It turns me on.

Hi, I'm looking for Sex King?

What is the problem, young man?

Um, my girlfriend told me she's never come having sex with me,

but she did used to with other guys.

- What are your measurements? - What do you mean?

Women need a large penis in order to come.

A smaller penis could be okay with the right amount of girth,

but a small dick and no girth will never please a woman.

I've, uh, never measured.

Come back to me when you do.

I'll need measurements for width, length, erect, and flaccid.

That'll be 30 pounds, please.

- But you haven't helped. - Half now, half later?

Kyle?

Milburn! It's only you.

Thought it was the fuzz again. I'm the Sex King now!

You are no such thing!

You left a gap in the market.

- "Pubes are overrated"? - Yeah.

"To win the race, come on the face"?

Big-time.

Are you just getting all your advice from porn?

Look, no offense, mate, but I've had a lot more sex than you.

Well, I'm going to have to report you because this is dangerous and it's wrong.

Shoot!

What are you doing in here, anyway?

Nothing.

Kyle.

Ruby! What are you doing here?

Well, well, well.

Ruby Matthews is secretly shagging Otis Milburn.

- Kyle… - People are gonna love this!

Kyle, wait! Please don't tell anyone about this.

Then you can't tell anyone about me being the Sex King.

Unless you want everyone to know about your secret sex affair.

Laters, losers.

Well done.

Ruby! Ruby! Ruby, wait!

I… I have to tell somebody. He could hurt people!

Otis,

do you like having sex with me?

Mm.

Do you like it when I touch you?

Would you like it if I were to suddenly stop touching you forever?

No.

- Then you will keep your mouth shut. - Mm.

Remember, five feet behind me at all times.

Someone else is giving out sex advice on campus.

Who?

I can't say.

What do you mean, "You can't say"? We tell each other everything!

You know it stays between me and you.

Okay. Okay, fine.

- It's Kyle. - Hmm?

He's charging people for advice and calling himself the Sex King.

Look at my big tits!

- I mean, we have to tell someone. - We can't.

Why not?

Because

if I do, he's gonna tell people I'm hooking up with Ruby.

Sorry, what?

Look, I haven't told you,

but we've been having casual sex all over summer.

She wants it to be a secret, and we haven't seen each other that much.

Are you kidding?

Hey, what's that on your neck?

Oh my God!

What? How? When?

Okay, okay, okay.

So, it was Olivia's party.

You were supposed to come but decided to watch movies with Adam.

Anyway, I was there on my own.

At first, Ruby ignored me.

But then…

- Milburn! - Oh!

Oh. Hi, Ruby, what are you?

I'm early 2000s Christina Aguilera.

Very cool. I'm macaroni cheese.

- Shut up and have sex with me. - What are you sad about tonight?

I'm a teenage girl, Otis. I'm always sad.

Wait. Why were you macaroni cheese?

That's not the point, Eric!

- Sorry. - I'm sorry I didn't tell you before.

I think I'm still figuring it out myself.

You're having casual sex with the most popular girl in school?

I know!

- I'm so proud of you! - It's amazing.

- I'm so proud of you! - And there's no strings.

- So nobody gets hurt. - Mm.

Wahey! Whoa!

What you gonna do about Kyle?

I guess it's not my responsibility anymore?

Ow! Oh!

Groff loves penis!

How did the test go?

It does look bad.

You got a problem?

No, Adam. Sorry, Adam.

What are you doing?

They… they were talking about me.

But that doesn't mean you can hurt people, Adam.

No, I… I can't do this again.

What are you all looking at?

Hey, hey, little bro!

How was the, uh, job interview?

Did you smash it?

Yeah, yes, it was great. Um, I start tomorrow.

Thank fuck!

Hey, tell me something.

What's an average teacher's salary these days?

You know, ballpark. We were talking at work, and we haven't got a clue.

- Well, it starts... - Mm.

Taste that. Go on, it's a protein shake.

How fucking good is that?

Come on! Eh?

Oh shit. You remember James McBride? He's only gone and bought a yacht.

Now the wife's dropping fucking hints.

Know what the secret to a happy marriage is?

I'm not really the best person to answer that, Peter.

Money. Well, that and keeping the toilet seat down, but

mostly fucking money…

I'm so wired after court today! I fucking destroyed the defendant.

I mean, I just like… …dismembered them.

Come on. Quick game of squash, Chub-Chub?

Oink, oink.

Nice day at school?

Yeah, it was all right. Your book is causing quite the stir.

- Press there and everything. - Really?

- It's not that controversial. - I know.

Mm. Wanna watch a movie tonight?

How about When Harry Met Sally…?

Or…

…How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days?

You choose.

I'm going out.

Where?

I have homework with Eric.

- I'll be home later. - Right.

Oh, Otis.

I've got a scan tomorrow. Will you come with me?

Please?

Sure.

But you have to tell him, Mum.

I will.

Go away, Mum.

You're not wanking, are you?

Are you okay?

Do you wanna go and smash some shit?

Or we could talk instead?

I'm… I'm not good at talking.

When my mum died, I was angry all the time.

My counselor told me to take my anger out on a pillow,

so I punched my pillow every night for months.

But in the end, it turned out that talking was the only thing that helped.

What happened today?

I… I don't want people to think I'm a pussy.

- 'Cause you're dating a guy? - I'm still a man.

Yeah. Of course you're still a man.

But you know, men don't need to hit things,

and men can date other men.

- You need to tell Eric how you feel. - I don't…

I don't know how.

Well, I think you should try.

Ya pussy!

Can we do the punching pillow thing first?

Absolutely. Bring it here.

So what you have do is just take a deep breath in.

- Mm-hmm. - Get yourself all pumped up.

Ah!

Get it.

That's a good effort, Michaela!

Quick shower, then, uh, Quorn Bolognese.

Fucking love Quorn!

Oh God.

I said, don't wear your jacket! People might recognize you!

It's cold, and we're in the woods. I'm sure it will be fine.

And the jeans…

Mmm.

Thank you.

Yes.

Hello!

Let me get my leg.

Shh.

Okay.

Oh! Ow!

Ow, ow, ow!

- Stop. - Careful of my hair.

Okay, this isn't working. Can't we go to your house? Or mine?

Houses are off-limits. It's too risky.

I get that you want us to be a secret,

but it feels like you're embarrassed to even be seen near me.

I'm a very private person, Otis.

I think you're embarrassed.

Okay, fine. I'm embarrassed!

I am hot and popular,

and you are a badly-dressed stick man with a creepy mustache.

You said you liked my mustache.

And I was good at sex.

You are good at sex, Otis,

but that doesn't mean I want to be seen in public with you.

Well, I don't wanna be seen in public with someone who is mean

and uses people for their good sex skills!

I have more self-respect than that.

We're done.

And we're not done. We're over!

"Over" and "done" mean the same thing!

I know, baby.

Hi, this is Erin. Leave a message.

Hi, Mum, it's Maeve.

Listen, I know you're not speaking to me, but I really think we should talk.

Call me back?

I miss you.

Hey, Maeve.

Can I talk to you about something?

Yeah.

What's wrong?

Mum still isn't answering me.

She hates me.

You did the right thing, and don't forget that.

What do you wanna talk about?

I wanted to talk about the…

Um…

I wanted to talk about…

Breakfast.

Raspberry or strawberry jam?

Uh, raspberry.

Well, good news, we've got neither.

Mm. Very good, very good. I'll be out in a second.

Thanks so much for coming in again, Jackson.

I basically just wanted to get to know you a bit,

seeing as we'll be working closely together.

You know, I was once head girl here.

I get the responsibility.

Yeah, it's fun.

And challenging, I hope.

Hm.

The thing is, I'm really wanting to inject some proper passion back into this place.

To create an environment where everyone can excel,

no matter what path they choose to go down.

Hope, the press are here for your interview.

Thank you. I'll be right there.

I wanted to share with you the new school values.

I'm excited to hear your feedback when you get a chance.

Hi!

Oh, and, Jackson,

I'm going to need you to take this role a bit more seriously than you have been.

I'm not really into the whole "cool guy" thing

if you know what I mean.

Not really.

You will.

She's nuts.

- Cal, it's PE. Are you coming? - Yeah, I'll be right there.

- Whoa! - Hey.

- Oh. Oops. - Whoa!

I'm… Okay, I'm in your way, obviously.

It's okay.

After you, good human.

- Hey. - Hey.

I don't like it when I hurt people.

- Then don't. - Yeah.

I don't know why I do it. I just get so

angry, but…

I wanna change.

Okay.

You're a poofter now, Groff?

Yeah, I am a bit of a poofter now.

Is that all right with you?

Yeah, mate. I think it's cool.

Yeah, congrats, dude.

You don't need to congratulate someone on being gay.

Okay. Width, length, flaccid, erect.

Shit. It's not very big, is it? Come on. Let's get you hard.

Yeah!

Come on!

For the love of God! Come on!

Come on!

- Hello. Nice to meet you. - And you.

We were thinking, I don't know…

Shit!

Strange.

I guess it's lost property for you.

Fuck.

Dude, why are you naked?

Don't look at my dick!

Hey, Otis. Is it true that you and Ruby are a thing now?

No. No. Why did you say that?

Everyone's talking about it.

Sex King.

So in the structure, the double bond causes a kink in the tail.

Uh-huh.

So… Aimee Gibbs!

Sir, I need to take Goat out for a wee.

Right, fine. Go on.

See, this is exactly why you shouldn't be bringing livestock into school.

- My mum's looking after her tomorrow. - Good.

Okay, this is the only goat you should be seeing in school.

Uh, it's a goatee.

It's my new look. Hands up who likes it.

Oh God. Oh God.

Do a wee for Mummy.

What the f...

Fatty acids!

- Okay… - Sir, Dex Thompson's naked!

Oh my God! It's tiny!

Look away! I don't want you to see my dick!

Fuck!

Penis!

What is happening? Tell me now!

Why are you naked?

Dex?

- I need to borrow this. - No, not my goat. Not my goat.

- I'll bring it back as soon as I can. - Don't take her!

- I'll bring it back. - Please!

- I'm sorry. - Please!

Goat!

I would say I'm here to try and bring back a sense of community

and family values that...

Is that a dog?

It's a fucking goat. Film it, for Christ's sake!

What were you saying about family values, Headmistress?

Would you just excuse me just one moment? Thank you.

No.

No, no, no!

No, no, no, no!

I think I just lost all my work.

Yeah, the computers are terrible. Maybe get a laptop.

- Hey. Hey, have you seen Kyle? - No.

I should never have listened to the fucking Sex King!

Dex, are you okay?

I should never have listened to the Sex King.

Who's the Sex King?

Kyle.

Okay, okay, okay.

Hey!

Are you stalking me, woman?

No! No, don't be ridiculous.

I just happened to be driving by this place where you work.

You've driven past 15 times!

I can see you out the window.

What's going on?

Can we talk?

If you stop being scary.

Yes.

- Are you stepping out? - Mm-hmm.

Good.

So, Dex,

how did we get here?

I was measuring my penis.

Mm. I told him to do that. So what're your stats, then?

I was interrupted.

And I don't wanna know.

What if I do have a small penis, and I can never please a woman?

Maybe you can look at it for me and tell me if it's small.

- Yeah! Sure. - No! No! No!

No! No, nobody's inspecting anything

because penis size isn't important.

Only guys with small dicks say that.

Dex, you shouldn't compare the size of your dick to anyone else's.

It's irrelevant and unhelpful.

You'd also be surprised

how many guys have insecurities about the size of their penis

and exaggerated views as to what other male genitals look like.

It's true. I wish mine was straighter.

It sort of bends to the side a bit.

It's… it's wonky, you know?

It's not wonky.

It's unique.

Thanks, Milburn.

That means a lot.

Well, that's very touching.

Dex, why did you say you'll never please a woman?

He can't make his girlfriend come during sex.

What kind of sex?

You know, just normal fucking.

Okay. Well, most women struggle to orgasm from penetration alone.

- Really? - Yeah.

You heard of the clitoris?

Sure.

Might be time to get acquainted with it. Ask your girlfriend what she likes.

And remember that orgasm doesn't have to be the main goal of sex.

You can have fun

and be creative.

Could you clarify?

You have ten fingers and a tongue, Dex.

Use your imagination.

Wow.

You guys are actually really good at giving out sex advice.

Maybe keep this on the down-low? Could be bad for my business.

Hey. I'm going to lost property, but thanks for the help.

Oh! And, hey, Otis, I heard about you and Ruby.

Don't know how you pulled that off, but congrats.

- You and Ruby are a thing. - Well, we're not anymore.

We were for a bit, but it was casual, you know?

No feelings.

No feelings. Sounds cool.

Thanks for telling everyone, Kyle.

Well, I didn't tell anyone.

But now everyone knows about you and Ruby,

guess I can carry on being the Sex King.

Au revoir, loser!

It means exactly the opposite of that, Kyle!

I didn't know whether I was going to keep it.

I was confused, and

I kept putting it off.

Then I started writing my book.

And I enjoyed every second of that, and I got immersed.

- How could you keep this from me? - I wanted to tell you, I did.

I... But the…

The longer I waited, the harder it got.

I'm having a baby?

I don't want you to feel backed into a corner.

I have decided to keep this baby,

and I feel empowered by that choice, and…

I only need you to be involved if you feel it's something that you would like.

Do you want me to be involved?

Of course I do.

But only if you want to be involved.

I have a scan

tonight at 4:30.

- At Moordale Community Hospital. You... - Thank you.

I really have to think about this.

- Of course. - Yeah.

I would say I'm here

to bring back a sense of community and family values.

- What were you saying about family values? - Come in.

Would you just excuse me just one moment? Thank you.

The clinic is still running in the old toilet block.

Maeve and I have nothing to do with it,

but it's still happening, and it's dangerous.

Students shouldn't be getting advice from students,

but they still need help,

so hopefully, you can provide the right service on campus.

Thank you for telling me, Otis.

Miss Sands, I did type up my essay, but the school computer broke.

- Can I get an extension? - Okay. Don't let it happen again.

Oh, uh, Maeve, have a look at applying for that.

You're the perfect candidate.

Adam, I marked your test this afternoon. Here's your timetable.

Ah! What set are you in?

Take a guess.

Eric. Eric! Everybody knows about me and Ruby.

Did you tell anyone?

I accidentally told Adam.

And I told Ola.

- I told Lily. - And I told everyone.

This was supposed to stay between me and you!

What are you doing here?

I sold my first painting, so no beans on toast for us tonight.

We are going out for pizza!

Oh, well done. Always knew you would, genius.

Apparently, you're secretly sleeping with Otis Milburn.

Ugh! As if.

It's true.

No, it's really not. It's really not.

Mum?

Hi, how are you?

Stop calling me.

- We have a friendly relationship. - Yeah, but not that friendly.

I didn't come, but that was so much better!

So now everyone knows anyway,

I was thinking we could keep seeing each other?

You know, because I like having sex with you.

No more cars or toilets?

No, no more cars or toilets.

- Thanks for the tip, Otis. - Did you tell her to do this?

It needed to end.

So it's really done, then.

Yeah, it really is.