Original subtitles

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome back to "Jill Jilton Live"!

Today's topic -- "Old Town's Baddest Parents!"

[ Air horn blows ]

Yeah, we give our kids grenades! What?

My boys'll suck my [bleep] and blow your hater taints off!

Our mom says bathrooms are for breedin' eels and cookin' drugs.

I poop outside and never brush my teeth!

[ Air horn blows ]

Back for a tenth time, it's the Blorptons!

All: [ Chanting ] Bad parents! Bad parents!

Bad parents!You can eat our [bleep]holes!

[Bleep] you.

I'll take on all you [bleep] pieces of [bleep]

[ Grunts ]

Yeah, baby! Get him!

Man: ♪ Run around town

♪ Stealin' and killin' is how I get down ♪Sheriff: What?

♪ Well, you better be aware of somethin' ♪

♪ 'Cause Momma named me Sheriff ♪

♪ Momma ♪ Now you got it

♪ Momma ♪ And don't forget it

Oh, no. I'd better go. [ Laughs ]

♪ M-O-M-M-A named me

♪ Momma named me Sheriff

♪ My momma named me Sheriff ♪

And stapled!

Whoa, six pages![ Laughs ] Yep!

I'm so impressed, Sheriff.

Yeah! Sheriff be mad impressive, yo.

Say, Tommy, I wrote those forms that Sheriff just stapled.

That's nice. Hey, what's this?

Oh, that's Uncle Magazine.

It's all about the cool uncle lifestyle.

They sell the raddest toys.

My dream is to make the cover.Wow!

Well, you probably won't 'cause you're not an uncle.

You can be my uncle, Sheriff!

I can be your uncle Sheriff?!

Uh, if you want to see something real impressive,

why don't you come with me on patrol?

You know, see some action.

Can Sheriff come?

[ Sighs ]

Hey, now give me some of that sugar.

Huh? Somebody's comin'!Scatter!

Hey! Here we are.

Lovers' Pond?

What kinda action were you hopin' for, Goodman?

[ Laughter ]Yes. Hardy. Har.

I'll have you know this is a hotbed for troublemakers.

Ah! Hey, little babies!

Hey, Tommy, watch this.

Hey, Linda!

No trespassing!What?

I was just feedin' some cereal to these water-kitties.

Linda, those are frogs.

Can I feed the froggies, too?

Oh, yeah, I wanna go with Uncle Sheriff!

Yeah, you wait in the car, Tommy.

But, Dad! [ Shouting indistinctly ]

Dad! Dad!Look, I know Tommy's really obsessed with you right now.

Oh, thanks! Hey uh --[ Screaming ]

But I think it's important for Tommy

to see his dad get into some hot action.

Yeah --You know, bust some vagrants down at Lovers' Pond.

But, uh --Do something really impressive.

Uh, Goodman? Tommy's going in the lake.

What? Tommy!

[ Crying ]I know you're feeling sick after your little dip

in Lovers' Pond, Tommy,

but the good news is it'll only last for nine months.

Oh!I don't know how you did it Goodman,

but you got a 6-year-old boy pregnant.

What?! What?!

Oh, no, my life is over!

No, no, no.

You're going to make a great parent.

Yes, you are. Isn't that right, Dad?

I guess. Uh...

Well, that's why I want you to have

Great-Grandma Goodman's baby buggy.

Oh. Wow, cool gift, Goodman.

But hey, Tommy, check out what I got you from Uncle Magazine.

Whoa!

It's called the Baby Blackhawk-1!

Cool! Why stroll when your baby could soar?

Whoa! It's got a built-in baby tracker, milk payload,

and a bunch of cool missiles and stuff.

Oh! [ Chuckles ] Amazing!

My, what an impressive gift, Sheriff!

Ow! Get away!

Baby Blackhawk down!

What the [bleep] Dad?! Oh!

First, you get me pregnant.

Well -- Then you ruin my [bleep] baby shower?

I -- [Bleep] you, Dad!

[ Grunts ] Get the [bleep] outta my face!

[ Sighs ]

[Bleep] you, Dad! Get the [bleep] outta my face!

Jill Jilton: Problems with your pre-teen?

Call Jill Jilton today.[ Air horn blows ]

I'm Tommy.

I'm 6 years old, and I'm 8 months pregnant,

all thanks to my pathetic excuse for a father!

But, Tommy, I --Get off of me!

Help, Jill Jilton!

Please welcome Tommy and Stanley Goodman!

Hello![ Audience booing ]

Oh.

Now, Tommy, tell us how you're feeling.

Awful!

My nipples hurt, I hate my body,

and I have to pee all the time!

All 'cause of him!

It was an accident.

You're gonna tell me it was an accident

when you took me to Lovers' Pond for some hot action?

[ Gasps ] What?!

Hey, when do we start fixing things between Tommy and I?

Right now.

Because I have a surprise guest.

Please welcome Sheriff!

Yeah! It's your boy, Sheriff!Yay, Sheriff is here!

No!Okay, okay, okay.

Goodman, will you do me the honor

of letting me be Tommy's baby's uncle?

[ Audience "aww"s ]Aw, can he, Dad? Can he?

No, this is ridiculous!

Come on, son. Ow! You're hurting me!

[ Gasps ]That's abuse!

Baaaaad parent![ Audience chanting "bad parent" ]

Oh, that's it!

[ Groans ][ Gasps ] Oh! Yes!

Whoa, impressive throw, Dad.

Uh, really? Thanks, Tommy.

[ Audience chanting "chair" ]Hey [bleep] When ya puttin' us on?

Never. The Goodmans are gonna make me a bucket of money.

I'm putting them on the show every day.

What?!

[ Groans ]

[ Cheers and applause ]Eww.

And we're back with some questions from our audience.

Question for Tommy.

Why are you such a fat, dirty [bleep]?

Hey! Hey!

No one calls my son fat!

[ Cheers and applause ]Yeah! That's my dad!

What kind of man impregnates his son?

A good man! Aah!

Why'd you make a baby inside of your boy?

You get a chair!

Ow! Yeah!

And you get a chair![ Screams ]

[ Laughs ]And you get a chair!

Chairs for everybody! [ Laughs ]

Uh, it's me, Carl.

Would you fulfill my dreams and, uh, chair me?

Ah, well, that was great.

Yeah, and while I'm making people's dreams come true --

Sheriff? Yeah?

Do you really wanna be the baby's uncle?

Please, yes, of course I do!

Well, then, I'd like to make it official...

[ Audience "aww"s ]

...that that will never happen!

[ Grunts ] Oh!

[ Gasps ]

You tried to kill my baby!

Hey, I-I'm sorry. I took it too far.

I was just trying to impress you.

You know what would impress me?

If you left me the [bleep] alone

and I never had to see your stupid face again!

[ Gasps ] Oh, no!

I'm being kidnapped!

My son! My ratings!

Today on "Jill," we catch up with...

Tommy! Tommy!...unimpressive father Stanley Goodman

as he begs forgiveness from the one uncle

that his baby's baby never had.

Sheriff! I need your help.

I've been looking everywhere for my Tommy --

Go away, Goodman!Please, I need...

I need... your help.

Then say it.

No, no, no, not that.

You gotta do it. You gotta say "uncle."

[ Sighs ]

Fine, you can be Tommy's baby's uncle.

Yay! I'm an uncle!

I'm an uncle! Uh, Sheriff?

Okay, I know just what to do.

[ Cellphone beeps ]Hey, Uncle Magazine?

Uncle Magazine?!

I'm gonna need some uncle toys.

Toys?! What are you going to do with toys?!

Oh, they're gonna kill him.

Don't worry, this uncle knows how to play dirty.

[ Rock music plays ]

Sheriff: Uncle-Copter 1's pretty impressive, huh?

Okay, but how is it gonna help us find Tommy?

Uncle-Copter 1, engage nephew tracker.

[ Chatter ]Tommy: Help!

That's Tommy, Sheriff!

Help!Lock that signal.

[ Gasps ] The Blorptons took Tommy!

I knew it!Hold on, everybody.

Tommy, your baby's uncle's coming!

[ All screaming ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Move out, people! Move, move, move!

Not so fast, pigs.

Hey, why did you kidnap my son?

Why don't you ask that question to my crossbow!

[ Gasps ]

Sheriff, no, he's just a child.

He's not a child. He's a squirt.

Squirt squirt! Squirt! Squirt! Squirt!

He just got uncle'd!

Move, move, move!

Viewers want to know -- if Tommy dies,

will you be appearing on Grieving Parent Makeover Month?

Would you stop? They're gonna hear us!

Too late- - we've got company.

Aah! Huh?

Drop the weapon, or I'll blow this [bleep] place!

Whoa!

Don't worry, Uncle Sheriff's got this.

Hey. Why did the Sheriff sit on the toilet?

Uh, I don't know. Why?

To do his...

duty.

[ Laughs ] Move out! Quick, quick, quick!

Duty! Aah!

[ All gasp ]You intruders are about to die!

The Mom. An uncle's greatest foe.

I got this.

Hey, uh, Mrs. Blorpton.

Have you gained weight?

What?! Aah!

Now's your chance!

Go, go, g-- oww!

[ Tommy crying ]

Tommy! Help me!

Don't come any closer

or I'll squish this stupid fat boy and his baby!

Hey, don't you call my son fat!

Please tell my viewers, what are your demands?

We want what's ours!

Give us our spot back on the show [bleep]

Would you be willing to kidnap Tommy's baby

for next week's show?

Enough with the cameras already!

We are done with all of this!

You're done when I say you're done!

Oh [bleep] What?

Now get back in there and deliver me some ratings [bleep]

Oh, the baby's coming! Gross!

I'm here with 6-year-old Tommy Goodman,

who's about to give birth to a baby, and --

Actually, I'm not sure where

that baby is gonna come out from.

It's coming out of my butthole!

[ All groaning ]

Somebody help me!

I'm not doing it.Don't look at me, kid.

Step aside. Dad's here!

[Bleep] you, Dad!

This is all your fault!

I know, and I'm sorry.

But everything's gonna be okay

because that baby's got you as a dad

and Sheriff as an uncle.

Now push that baby out of your bottom!

[ Screaming ]

I'm crowning!

[ Grunts ]

Oh, great job, son!

You delivered a beautiful baby...

frog.[ Frog croaks ]

Ah, you got to be kidding me.

The stupid kid just swallowed a frog at the pond.

Screw it.

Blorptons, you're back on next week.

Yay! Yeah!

Hello, son.

[ Smooches ]

That was so great, Dad!

How you rolled into the room and pushed everybody aside

and then you shoved your hand all the way up my butt!

Yeah!

[ Chuckles ] Well, maybe you'll get to do the same someday,

when you're a real father.

Yay! Oh![ Frog groans ]

Oh, no, Dad!

Stanley Jr.'s giving birth to a human baby!

Oh, uh, Linda, what kind of cereal

are you feeding these frogs?

Oh, it's called Embry-O's!

The hospital just throws it out,

but water-kitties love it, mm-mm!

Dad, what do we do with all these babies?

Hmm...

Sheriff: Hey, baby! Get down off of there!

Oh, no, too many babies to uncle!

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

♪ M-O-M-M-A named me

♪ Momma named me Sheriff

♪ Momma named me Sheriff

♪ My m-m-m-momma, momma, momma named m-me Sheriff ♪

♪ Momma, Momma, Momma, Momma named me Sheriff ♪

♪ Momma

She named me Sheriff.

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