Original subtitles

( plane flying overhead )

( background chatter )

Okay, when we get in there,

we're gonna have about 30 seconds to pitch this.

Are you sure we couldn't have just gotten a meeting with them?

Robbie, when they're at these conventions

these guys don't have time to scratch their ass,

let alone schedule a sit-down.

Can't exactly pop by set. It's in Saskatchewan.

You and I both know that they would never call us back

if we had their numbers, which we don't.

Okay, but they're already on a show.

Right? And it's been on for more than ten years.

Yeah, well, eventually something's gotta give, right?

I mean, hey, I love this show,

but it's no "Condor Valley."

Well, dude, "Condor Valley"'s a cable show.

Exactly, and that's where we and they belong.

I think you're right. They're really gonna love the show.

Especially the quirky mechanic character.

By the way, you're perfect for that.

-Thank you. -But, like,

-how can't they love this show? -Yeah.

PS: Good call on the disguises.

- The hats are really workin'. - Told ya.

Come on, Rich and Rob.

- Move. - Maybe not.

Told ya.

( music playing )

♪ Looking for a sign

♪ Looking for a table set for fun ♪

♪ Set the alarm to exactly half-past none ♪

♪ Just tell me where to sign for you. ♪

-Thank you. - Thank you.

- All right. - See ya again.

- Hey. - Hi.

- What are you doing here? - I believe these are for you.

And, uh, hold this.

- What's going on, fellas? - Hey.

- Hey, buddy. - Justin.

- Justin. - It's Rich and Rob.

Rich and Rob, nice to meet you, Rich and Rob. Hop in, guys.

- We'll duck down for ya. - We-- uh, we know you guys.

We-- we're actually appearing here at the convention with you.

- Oh really? - Yeah.

- For what? - No, we-- we worked on the show.

- Oh, so-- really? - Yeah.

- Catering. - Oh, dude, catering.

No, actors, actors, actors.

- No, I play God. - God of the griddle.

- Huh? Come on. - God of the griddle.

- Sorry. - What pose are we doing here?

Uh, you wanna do, uh, rewalk to the prom...

- Uh... - ...angry cop, squishy bear?

N-no-no. How 'bout-- how 'bout

we pitch you your next hit show?

- That's awesome. - That's a new one.

- Come on, guys, let's go. - Okay, okay, okay, we're going.

Y'all gonna be the first ones. This has never, never been done.

Um, it's a procedural.

- Yep. - Okay, think, uh,

"True Detective" meets "Walking Dead."

Right, the hunt for a killer in post apocalyptic America.

- We're listening. - Okay, great.

- So the show would star you guys-- - Man: Next!

- All right. - No, we're not actually--

- That was good. - We gave 'em a great photo.

- Take care, guys. - Hey, how are you?

We didn't even get to the quirky mechanic.

- That's the heart of the show. - Shit!

Okay, there's only one thing for us to do.

You go buy two more tickets, I'll get back in line.

Rich, those tickets are $300 a pop.

Hey! Who's gonna invest in us if not us? Am I right?

Do you or do you not wanna become

the super successful entertainment tycoon sons of bitches

we were meant to be? Hm?

Atta boy.

Act one, rain falls on a body

face down in a dark alley.

Is it dead? Is it sleeping?

Is it a man?

- No, no, and no. - Right.

And then this quirky mechanic comes in...

- Man: Next! - Wait, just wait.

Man: No! Go!

But Leo's just a grad student

with a B in women's studies and a C minus in life.

Yeah. And then this quirky mechanic comes--

- Man: Next! - God damn it!

- And as the sun sets on him... - Can you take your beanie off?

- Rob! - What? I paid for it.

Leo holds Mike in his arms and Mike says,

"I'm...

I'm a twin."

And then he dies.

And then,

this quirky mechanic character comes in and he says,

- "Leo, I'm in the woods"-- - Next!

God, you're an ass face!

And then Dustin, the last surviving triplet

falls to his knees at his brothers' fresh graves

and swears to the heavens that he will not stop

- until the killer-- - Or killers.

...is caught and justice is served.

Well? What do you think?

Yeah-- ahem.

Guys, it sounds amazing.

I mean, I'm-- I'm getting choked up.

- ( clears throat ) - Yeah, me too.

It's just too bad that we don't do procedurals.

- Both: Sorry. - What, wait.

Why didn't you say that at the beginning?

- Man: Next! - I, oh.

- Hey, thanks for coming in, guys. - See you at catering, huh?

- Hey, Doug. - Hey, bud.

Sorry to bother you at home.

- Oh, no forget about it, man. - Hey, listen.

I-- I need you to up the limit on my Visa.

Oh, no.

I'm afraid you're kind of maxed out there, bud.

What happened? Did you get another DUI?

No.

Rich: How many is that now?

I had one, like, nine years ago.

Rich: It was more like six years.

Would you please just give me a minute?

Sorry, Doug, um...

Yeah, so I-- I-- I, uh,

I accidentally bought a-- a few pictures with, uh, Justin and--

- and Jaden. - Oh, yeah.

I get that. They're pretty hot.

How many is a few?

Uh... 12.

Whoa. ( chuckles )

Okay there, fanboy.

Well, I guess I can...

Hey, Angus, come on.

Guess I can wire you some cash.

Oh, Doug, no. I can't owe you any more money.

Hey, you turn that frown upside down, sad clown.

Your star's on the rise.

I mean, pretty soon I'm gonna be begging you for money.

Remember, we're still waiting to hear back on that part

for "Just Shoot Me!" You know?

No, Doug, no.

That show was cancelled, like, 12 years ago.

Hey, you never know, bud.

No, I know, actually. I know.

Angus, stop.

Who we cooking for, tonight?

Angus' biological mom is coming over tonight.

It's kind of a big deal.

He's being really kind of bitchy about it.

Stop it, Angus.

Are we sure that it's safe

for him to be fingering the vegetables like that?

Okay, all right, buddy, I gotta run. My sauce is burning.

I know, I know, Angus. I can smell it, too, Angus.

- ( chattering ) - Calm down.

Is it beer o'clock already?

- ( sighs ) - What?

You got a king-size bed? Must be nice.

Stay on point, man. What's up?

( sighs )

Last night, I just-- I-- my spirits were so high.

I thought for sure we'd be selling

Justin and Jaden on "Triplet Homicide."

Thought it'd be a home run.

And now, I'm $3,600 in the red and back on Planet Asshole.

- Yeah. - I mean, the highs and lows

of this con life... it's gonna kill me, man.

Unless they put you on the map.

Yeah, map of Downtown Dickville.

No man, you just had a brilliant idea.

This convention life we live, yeah, it's an absolute circus, right?

The ups, the downs, the-- the blackout drinking,

- the drug-fueled threesomes... - We never had a--

...all of which are key ingredients

to every hit show on television.

- You think? - Oh, buddy, I know.

I got three words for you, H-B-O.

That's not really a--

Play me in Scrabble, watch and find out.

H-B-O, three words. Three words that make me right.

I'm telling you man, this is the recipe.

This is the show we need to be making.

Us, a show about our life.

This life.

Mm-hmm, yeah, okay.

- The convention adventures... - Uh-huh.

...of a handsome, yet neurotic divorcé...

- Uh-huh. - ...and his asshole buddy.

You really think I'm handsome?

This is a great idea. We could probably write this.

Buddy, we don't need to write it.

It writes itself. We're living it.

It's happening all around us. All we've gotta do is transcribe it.

We'll take your really good camera...

- It's Marney's camera. - Ah, you're still married.

Still shared property, your camera. We take that camera.

- We make the show. - Okay.

You write it, I direct it, we sell it.

Drop-a-da-mic.

Feedback.

- Get out. - Okay.

I cannot believe we didn't think of this sooner.

I know. It's really great.

- I'm excited. - Yeah.

What are you ladies so giddy about?

- Hey, man, use a plate, would ya? - We are making a TV show.

Am I in it?

- Every show needs an asshole. - True.

Whoo-hoo! Wah-hah-hah-whoo!

I just booked a pilot. Suck it, band.

Hey, can I be a cop or Hispanic?

- Can I be a Hispanic cop? - No, you're yourself, actually.

Or I mean kind of. Well, it's about us, you know?

All of us. And, uh, our life on the road.

Yeah, it's a single-camera comedy

set behind the scenes in the world of fan conventions.

Never been done before. We're entertainment pioneers.

What's going on here? Paper plate caucus?

( laughs ) Oh, boy.

Paper plate caucus. You're so quick.

Okay, calm down, Rob.

Hey, what are you doodling there, Richie?

Ah-ah. No peeking.

Hey, did you hear the big news?

These two are making a TV show, and I just landed the lead role.

You don't say? Uh, what's it called?

Well, we haven't figured that out yet.

- Still kind of-- - ♪ "Con Jockeys."

Seriously?

- That's good. - Right?

- "Con Jockeys"? - "Con Jockeys."

"Con Jockeys."

Oh, there.

Those are the guys I was telling you about.

- ( mixed chatter ) - ( stammering )

That's-- that's Sheriff Winters and Pastor Phil

from "Condor Valley."

- Yeah, it's Mark and Josh. - Oh, my God.

Robbie, have you ever seen "Condor Valley?"

"Condor Valley" is an amazing show.

- Robbie, have you seen it? - What are they doing here?

Oh, there's a "Condor Valley" convention.

Con-Con. It's across the street at the Westin.

- Oh wow, the Westin. - Con-Con.

Yeah, those guys use crowdfunding,

and they raised $2 million to make their own show.

They broke fundmything.com.

Oh, my gosh. It must be an amazing concept.

- Huh? - Actually it's kind of similar to--

- Shut the ( expletive) up. - Ah...

- Yeah. - No.

- This guy. - I'm gonna propose.

Little soul, bitches.

- Hi. - I haven't seen you.

- Hi, hi, hi. - Get a room.

Oh, we're in a place where you think I can't see you.

Hello, hey buddy. how are you? It's so good to see you.

Mark and Josh, this is Rob and Rich.

- I'm a big fan. I mean... - Aw, thanks, man.

Do you wanna grab a photo or something?

- Maybe later. - I'll wait.

We have a lot of time. We're here for a convention, also.

Oh cool. What-- what-- what industry?

- We-- we're actors. - Mm-hmm.

- ( expletive ) man, I am so sorry. - No, that's cool.

- 'Cause you're not gonna... - I didn't know.

- I don't know. - You guys get him.

Yeah. ( laughs )

I always get you the ( expletive ) like that.

I got-- I gotta tell you guys.

I mean, congratulations on raising all that money.

- Oh, God, thank you. - Oh yeah, yeah, you're so welcome.

- Yeah, $2.5 million. - Yeah, 2.5 big ones.

- Yeah, I thought it was two-- - What?

- Two, just two or... - Well, it's the two that you're saying,

plus the point five that we're talking about.

- Richie: Oh. - So then if you put them together...

- Richie: Right. - Sort of like...

Are you here for an accounting convention?

'Cause you seem like an accountant.

- 2.5 it's 2.5. 2.5. - Rich: Well, I've gotta tell you,

- I can't wait to see it. - Mark: Yeah, thanks, man.

- Yeah, yeah. - Thank you so much. Yeah.

- What's it called? - Both: "Con Junkies."

It's about a whole fan convention thing, kind of scenario.

This world of, you know, cons and conventions, kinda.

We've been doing it for a while.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

Groundbreaking. Never been done before.

- That's what "Variety" said. - "Variety."

- That's not our words. - "Hollywood Reporter."

"Variety" did-- they did like a whole blurb on it.

The guys are actually making a similar show.

- Not that... - Not that similar.

- Yeah. - What's it called?

- Well, we're still hammering... - Oh yeah, hammering an outline.

- ...the outline. - Yeah.

- Lots of work to be done... - You dropped this.

- Oh boy, that's... - Oh, whoa.

Both: "The Title of Our Show is Con Jockeys."

Yay. Do you guys like ride around in these conventions

- on like a horse? - They drew it on a plate.

- That's cool. - We're done.

How much, uh, fundage you got for that bad boy?

We haven't really-- we just, uh...

We're sort of in pre, pre, pre-production.

- Ah, pre, pre, pre-hell. - Both: Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we got a producer for that.

- Scoots. - Hey.

- What's up, Scottie? - What up?

Yeah, what up? He's so gangster.

- Great producer. - Yeah, really top-notch.

What's the-- what's the gist about "Con Jockeys"?

- What're you-- what's it about? - Well, uh...

Rob, uh, plays Rob.

And then I'm gonna play, uh, a character,

- uh, named R-Rich. - Right.

I came up with the names.

So you guys play yourselves in the show?

- Um... - 'Cause we're not doing that.

No, we don't do that.

We're not doing anything like that really.

Yeah, like in real life my name's Mark, his name's Josh.

But on the show we play Mike and Jersh.

- Right. - Jersh?

Yeah. Short for Jershua.

Well, you know, we're not really playing ourselves, either.

It's like, you know, uh, we're like heightened versions of

It's like-- like in the show Rich has been married three times.

I've-- I've been married three times.

Yeah, but, you know, yeah.

Mark and Josh, come on in for a group selfie.

- Come on. - Oh.

- You got Bernie Kopell? - Yeah, he called us.

Guys, the ship's about to sail. Come on.

- You're nuts. - He's out of his ( expletive ) mind.

Here's the thing. Duty calls, Sheriff.

- After you, Pastor. - ( laughing )

You guys should ping Scottie. Maybe he can get you a part.

- Outside. - Yeah.

Hey, I'll take a part.

Hey, sorry. They're famous, guys.

Sorry, guys.

I thought you should know, you know, because it's so...

No, no, it's all right. There're other ideas out there.

We'll just, uh-- we'll find another one...

- again. - Yeah.

And, hey, whatever we come up with,

whatever show we make, you are in.

- Oh. - Yeah.

I mean, it's not-- I have to check with Mark and Josh first.

I mean, their contract's kind of binding.

- So I'm not really... - Oh, you're-- you're in their show?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh.

- No, I'm doing-- I'm doing that one. - Well, that's great.

- I mean, hey, yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah, you are. - It's pretty exciting.

- Yes. - I'm excited.

- Congratulations. - That's awesome.

- Hey, get over here. - Come on, Carly.

What're you doing? Come on.

- Congrats. - Absolutely.

- ( all laughing ) - Hey, Scottie!

- Woman: Thanks. - Scottie!

It's time for some fun. Come on, gang.

- Wait, wait, wait. - Scottie, let's go.

- In the photo. - Oh, hey, Handler Beth.

- Beth: Yeah? - We got room for one more.

- Beth, Beth, Beth. - Let's go, Handler Beth.

All right, good job.

Ready? You ready? And...

You know what, man?

We are making our show.

But those other guys, they have...

Who gives a rats A?

A great idea is a great idea.

And ours is a great idea.

I mean, you think there's only been one doctor show ever on TV?

- ( scoffs ) Been a million. - There've been a gazillion.

And-- and what if, you know,

after "Chicago Hope" came out, John Wells would be like,

"Ah, I'm out." You know?

One doctor show. Don't need any more.

No "E.R."

Do you realize that the world would be Clooney-less right now?

( scoffs ) It's not a world I wanna live in.

Hell no, it's not.

We need to do this for the audience we don't even have yet.

We need to do this for us.

Huh.

We are making this show.

That's what I'm talking about, Robbie.

That's what I'm mother ( expletive ) talkin' about!

Nachos.

Hot sauce.

- ( exhales sharply ) - Yeah.

- Whoo! - Feels good, right?

- It feels really good. - Damn right, it does.

- We're doin' it. - Whoo!

Driver: Uh, take you terminal 5 first class drop off

or for coach?

- Uh, coach. - Hmm.

( camera shutter clicking )

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