Original subtitles

( music playing )

( groans )

( sniffles )

Both: Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahhh!

Both: Ahh!

Ahh!

Ahh!

( theme music playing )

♪ Looking for a sign

♪ Looking for a table set for fun ♪

♪ Set the alarm to exactly half past none ♪

♪ Just tell me where to sign for you. ♪

( plane flies overhead )

I remember we started with the usual, you know?

A little golden tea.

Oh, yeah, and that hot lady came over to talk to us.

No, that was our waitress, Rich. She was taking our order.

Hmm.

Then we started doing shots. A little Goldschläger.

A little Jägermeister.

A few Jägerschlagers.

And then didn't we do some tequila shots with some strippers?

They were dancers.

- Erotic dancers. - No, they were trained dancers

performing in a show.

Oh, my bad.

At Titty Pete's.

Okay, regardless. How did we go from that to...

the honeymoon suite?

I don't know. Ask yourself, man.

It's my room. I needed to get some sleep.

This is my room!

We're in my room. This-- this is my bathroom.

Oh.

Then this must be yours.

At what point did we decide it was a good idea to get married?

Don't know.

And why? Did we lose a bet?

Do it on a dare? Why would we do something like that?

Don't know.

Why are you being so fucking blasé about this?

Don't know.

( elevator dings )

We have to stop flying in so early on Thursdays.

It only gets us into trouble.

Or we could just not drink.

You're right, later flights. Check.

Why are you still wearing your wedding ring?

I like the look of it.

Ahh! Rob and Rich. I love you guys!

- Picture? - Both: Sure.

Are you embarrassed of us?

No, I just don't want to make a thing of it.

Okay, okay, so if we actually got married, we have to get it annulled.

- Yeah. - But how?

Uh, call Marnie. She's a lawyer.

Call my wife and tell her I accidentally married somebody else?

- Ex-wife. - Not ex. Not yet.

- Not ever, if I can help it. - Okay, pal.

Partner? Husband? What do I call you now?

Rob. You call me Rob.

Okay... Rob.

Listen, man, this is no big deal.

I mean, I'm sure we thought this was really freakin' funny

last night when it happened.

It's just one of those "had to be there" moments.

- Which we were. - Yes, but we don't remember it,

so that rule doesn't apply.

"Memories or it didn't happen." That's my motto.

Okay, that's just sad.

Sad but true, Robbie. We got this, man.

We can fix this. Meanwhile, nobody else knows about it

and we will make sure that it stays that way.

- Okay. - You're good?

- You? Good. - Great. Fine.

All: Surprise!

- What?! - Congratulations!

Are you--?

Hey, Robbie.

- All right, man. - What have you done?

Super great. What have you done?

- Maury, what? - Congratulations. Here, here's one.

- This is too much. - One for you.

That's for the toast. Toast to Rob and Rich.

- Salute! - Rob and Rich.

Eh? Roberto y Ricardo.

- How do you guys know? - Because, you live tweeted it.

- No, we did not. - All: Yes.

Those Instagram posts were beautiful, Rob.

You look so innocent when you cry.

- Really, really cute. - Oh, shit.

Rob, Maury got us a blender!

The bow comes off.

Oh, wow. Hey, write these things down for the thank you notes, okay?

You know what? I saw it coming.

You see, my gaydar's been fine-tuned over the years,

like a perfectly aged bottle of Chateau Lafite-Rothschild.

1966, though, not 1967. That's a really bad year.

I don't understand anything you just said.

No, no, but it's true. It's really true.

Look, did you know I once outed

an entire Scottish rugby team with these two hands?

- Nope. - Rich: Are you freakin' kidding me?

The band got us matching scarves.

- Rich! - Hmm?

- Outside. - Hmm.

Ow, what?

- What the ( expletive ) are you doing? - Free stuff.

What happened to "no one knows about it and we're gonna keep it that

Well, I didn't tell anybody, did I?

You did, Mr. Tweety McInstagrammy.

Rich, we're supposed to be fixing this.

Right, yes.

Now, we start fixing it now.

Okay, I'm back on the clock. I got it.

Um...

What are you doing? Who are you calling?

Oh, hi, Concierge, can I get the number for the Las Vegas courthouse?

- Oh, that's good. - Rob, we have to go.

Okay.

Great, no. I can't write it down.

Can you just say it a bunch of times and I'll try to remember it?

( gasps ) Oh, hi, Sue.

What are you doing?

Just going to my meet and greet.

Don't be glib. Don't you dare be glib.

I've put up with your panic attacks, your sporadic alopecia,

your green room boners...

Sounds bad when you say it all together like that.

...but marrying Rich is just stupid.

Do you have any idea what you're doing to him?

I know, I agree, and that's-- doing to him?

Oh, yeah, for you this is all just a game.

But this actually means something for Rich.

( chuckles ) No, Sue, no.

Yeah. Rob, he is in love with you.

Trust me, I know, because, God help me, I'm in love with you, too.

- What the fuck? - Oh, no, not in a sweet sort of way.

In a go-fuck-yourself sort of way.

Mm-- mm!

Oh, God. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

That was a warning.

Rob's walking.

- Rob: There you go. - Woman: Thank you.

- Hey, there. - Hi.

- How are you. - Good, and you?

Great. There you go, thank you.

( phone rings )

( beeps ) Hello?

Rich: Yello.

Rich, you called me.

Speaking.

- Rich... did you call the courthouse? - Uh, no-go.

No-go meaning no, you didn't call the courthouse or no, they said

No as in we're still married.

Thank you so much for being here.

Are you with fans right now?

Rich, are you with fans right now?

Hello? Answer me.

I'm miming my answer.

How can I tell what you're miming? I can't see you.

Look to your right.

You're an asshole.

Oh, our first fight.

( beeps )

- Marnie: You married Richard. - Technically, yes.

But you and I aren't divorced yet.

Hypothetically speaking, no.

No, not hypothetically, legally.

Okay, don't get all lawyer-y with me.

Well, it's kind of hard not to, Rob. See, I'm a lawyer.

I'm also a sensible, non-binge-drinking adult.

You sound like Sue.

( scoffs ) Get this.

She thinks Richard's in love with me.

Marnie?

I think the screen froze.

What do you want from me, Rob?

I need you to help me get out of this.

Richard called the courthouse, but he hit a dead end.

Just-- ( sighs )

Would you just do it for the children we never had

because you wouldn't have sex with me?

Well, you were never home long enough to have sex with.

I might as well have just married my fingers.

Really?

- Is that like an everyday thing, or-- - Stop.

I will call my friend in Nevada County clerk's office for you, okay?

- Okay. - ( phone rings )

Hold on.

- Hello? - Woman: Mr. Bennett?

- Speaking. - This is Gayle

with A1 Health Insurance.

We had a call from the new Mr. Bennett, your spouse.

Congratulations, by the way.

I... thank you.

Since you're the primary member,

we just need to confirm that it's okay to add him to your policy.

Mr. Bennett?

Marnie: The paperwork just got filed this morning.

Gayle: Mr. Bennett?

- Wait, what? - My secretary just checked.

Rich didn't get it annulled, he filed it.

And the state is honoring it.

Congratulations, asshole. You're a bigamist.

Gayle: Mr. Bennett?

( knock on door )

- Hey, buddy. - We need to talk.

Okay.

- Is that the scarf-- - The band gave us? Yes.

Man, I love this thing. It is so soft on the skin.

And I'll be honest with ya, they're the greatest guys in the world.

This is so considerate.

Could you just take it off for now?

Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah, sure.

You know, I would not ever actually ever wear it with this.

It was just me trying it on.

- What's up? - Maybe you should sit down.

Okay.

Gosh, it's harder than I thought it'd be.

- Just say it, man. - Okay.

I don't love you, Rich.

I mean, I love you, like a brother,

but I'm not in love with you.

- Uh huh. - I mean, what happened last night,

I thought that was just some kind of drunken prank gone awry.

But now, I'm worried that it was something more than that...

( clears throat ) ...for you.

And I don't-- I don't want to give you the wrong idea.

Hmm. What in God's name are you talking about?

I know that you filed our marriage paperwork with the courthouse.

- I did it online, actually. - Rich!

I can't handle this right now, okay?

I've got a soon-to-be horny ex-wife...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Soon to be horny or soon to be ex?

Both. Yeah, she's a chronic masturbator.

- She just told me that. - Oh, really?

- Yeah. - So, what?

- We talking every day, or... - Stop it.

( clears throat )

I don't love you, Robert.

Not in that way.

- Sue told me that-- - Oh, for ( expletive )--

Sue? Really? Sue? Please.

You know what, you can't get it up one time!

Boy, you know what, I was stressed that month, okay?

You hooked up with Sue? For a month?

- Just keep it on point, Robbie. - Okay.

What about my insurance? You added yourself to my policy?

Yeah, I, uh...

I guess I do have a confession to make.

Okay.

Please, Richard, don't, don't.

Please, don't-- holy mackerel!

- When did you-- - Yeah, Charlotte, North Carolina,

last year right before you rejoined the circuit.

It was Sake Bomb Sunday.

Okay, well, that makes a little more sense.

I'm gonna be honest with you, Rob.

I don't know why we got married

any more than I know why I got the phallic form of my name

tramp-stamped in prison script.

But I know I don't have the insurance to get it removed.

Yeah, you know what, I woke up today,

and after the fog cleared off, I figured, "Hey, you know what?

Since we're married, maybe I should take advantage of it, you know?"

Like, uh...

capitalize on that co-pay and get this sucker lasered off.

- Okay. - I'm sorry, man.

I should've told you.

I was embarrassed.

It's a sad state of affairs when you're using one drunk ( expletive ) up

to pay for another.

All you had to do was say something, man.

I know, and that was my plan, I promise you,

but then... I just got swept up in the madness, you know?

I mean, with all our friends, and cake and presents,

and it was just... too fun.

It was fun feeling like I had a partner again,

and an insurance plan and a joint credit card.

Jesus, man.

Am I gonna die alone?

Oh, buddy.

We all die alone, pal.

But in the meantime, we surround ourselves

with people we like to hang out with.

I'm here for you, buddy.

Thanks, man.

Did you add yourself to my credit card?

I did.

- I want a divorce. - Copy that.

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