Original subtitles

( music playing )

Hello, Plano. We at the right hotel?

Robert, we've finally arrived. Flowers in the lobby?

Suits on the staff.

My man. This is it.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

- I like it. - This place has class.

Hi. I'm checking in.

Last name Jiblowme.

First name?

- Haywood. - Bingo.

Ooh. They have a spa.

What? Spa-ching.

Now you're spa-alking?

Okay, Mr. Jiblowme. I'm just gonna need a credit card for incidentals.

Try this one. It's spa-ctacular.

I wonder if they can do a spa-- shit!

Spa shit? What's a--

Lyle.

What's he doing here?

Well, he is co-owner of the convention company, so...

Yeah, but he never comes to cons.

Well, he does when it's renegotiating season.

( gasps )

- That starts now? - Yeah.

- No, no, no, no, no. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I can't do face-to-face, I get all panicky.

Why doesn't he just call my agent like everybody else?

Who else calls your agent?

- In theory, I mean. - You know what?

Maybe this is the universe telling you that it's time to grow a pair

and go get that raise you're always bitching about.

Tell the universe to suck it.

It's not about the cash, Rich. It's about respect.

I deserve a bump in respect.

Or maybe just a raise.

Hello?

Still here.

Uh, your credit card says Richard Slate.

Yes, because that's my name.

- Haywood Jiblowme is an alias. - You don't say.

You see, uh, my buddy and I,

we are actors from television

and if our actual identities leaked out

and the media and the fans knew we were staying here...

it would be chaos.

Right...

I see it now. Got it.

Thank you.

- Sir. - Yeah?

You ready to check in?

Uh, I am ready to check in, yes.

- Name? - McCrotch.

Pat McCrotch.

( music playing )

♪ Looking for a sign

♪ Looking for a table set for fun ♪

♪ Set the alarm to exactly half-past none ♪

♪ Just tell me where to sign for you ♪

I don't... I don't know.

- Did... - Well...

- I think we're on the wrong floor. - Maybe we're in the wrong wing?

I don't know.

Oh, my God! Richard!

Uh, I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

I'm Mary Helen, all the way from Dallas.

Uh, isn't that like 15 minutes away?

Rob, you old ham.

You two are my favorites,

but especially you, Rich.

Sexy little rat.

Thank you.

Oh, you two just have to come to my party tonight.

It's a birthday party.

I'll have drinks a-flowing and music a-playing.

- Okay. Thank you, but we have a thing. - And I just know you'll love

my special pie.

You know, I do have a bit of a sweet tooth.

Okay. Rich, our rooms are awaiting.

Okay, you come right back here to my suite.

8:00 PM sharp.

A suite, huh?

That's sweet.

Ahh.

I can't believe you guys are actually going to this thing.

I can't believe you're being Captain Lame-o of the SS Suckball

- and not going. - She offered you pie

and you immediately took it as something dirty.

Well, you heard how she said it. It was dirty.

All right, fine. Whatever.

I just, I'm just not in the headspace for it, dude.

I need to go to the spa and just try not to think about Lyle.

Lyle? Oh, you mean the boss man.

See, I call him the boss man,

because he's the boss and a man.

Oh.

I always wondered.

Well, you guys have fun

and tell Mary Helen sorry I'm not a-coming.

Oh, you'll be a-coming.

I'm just going to the steam room. Maybe getting a massage.

Exactly. And we all know how those end.

Lavender eye pillow?

We're talking full release, Joe.

Of muscle tension?

- Okay. - Thank God. Saved by the bell.

This is my ride. See you on the other side.

Make her wear a glove.

Sayonara, mon compadre.

Gee, my grandma wouldn't be too proud of me,

showing up to a party empty-handed like this.

Should we grab a six-pack of RC?

Okay, just do me a solid, okay?

Tonight, just for once, let's dial back

the whole "gee willikers" bit, okay?

People haven't talked like that since the 1950s.

- Ah, shucks. Really? - Okay, let's dial it back even further.

- Right. - Right.

( sighs )

( exhales )

Hello.

Lyle Blazer, nice to see you again.

Lyle, yeah. Likewise.

It's a little steamy in here.

It's making me lightheaded.

( gasping )

I think I need some fresh air.

You're supposed to feel lightheaded, Rob.

That's how you know you're being cleansed.

Sit down, Rob Bennett. Relax.

- Breathe with me. - Huh?

( inhales )

( exhales )

( groans )

It's a birthday party.

Yeah, apparently not the mom's birthday party.

- At least there's a bar. - Ooh, bar.

- Peach fizz? - No.

Did you know I have a son in Peru?

- I didn't know, I didn't-- - He's not my real son, I adopted him.

Lives there with his birth family, his name's Paco Leone.

I learned a lot in my time in Machu Picchu.

I learned how to smell an orchid.

- You ever smell an orchid? - Yeah, probably.

- No. - No?

No. You didn't.

Not truly.

Not until you've inhaled its essence while high on ayahuasca.

( inhales )

( exhales )

But be real, are they too harsh?

'Cause I kinda want like a beachy vibe.

( overlapping chattering )

I was nervous about the color.

I showed her a photo.

All right, thank you.

( laughing )

So who's the birthday girl?

I am.

( clears throat )

- Happy bi-- - Stop.

Okay.

- So how old are you today? - I'm 16.

- And how old are you? - 34.

Ew.

Are you the guy from the show that plays Thaddeus or something?

Oh.

"There's not a flower in the king's garden

that doesn't bow as you pass."

Season four, episode seven?

It's one of Thaddeus's most quoted lines.

I mean...

- Really. - Yeah. My mom is the one who's a fan.

Oh. That's great.

I started watching season nine.

You were dead.

Well, anyway... I really think it's perfect.

- Good choice. - Thank you.

Richard! You made it!

Oh, look at you, all gussied up.

And you brought Thaddeus.

Thaddeus! Big fan!

Aw, you two just made Leslie Jo's special day extra special.

You are a man who's definitely getting some pie.

Oh, boysie.

And that's how I earned my honorable discharge from the ROTC.

Dedicated myself to the twin arts of Kabbalah and origami,

but before I took up the oboe.

Ayahuasca.

I need...

I need a bump!

I'm sorry?

I need a bump.

I haven't done cocaine since the Carter administration,

but if you...

No. No, I'm talking about renegotiating my rate for next year.

That's what all this is about, isn't it?

I need a raise, sir.

I need a raise.

Now just a sec, I'm gonna go change into something more comfortable.

By all means.

You wanna start with something I baked on the upper shelf?

Or a little something from the lower shelf?

Shit, woman. Bring out the whole buffet.

Okay, okay, okay. Favorite song.

Ooh, I love the new JT.

- He's like always like-- - How about the new Taylor?

Yes. Every time. Never lets me down.

- Never. Never. - "Your saddest fear comes creeping in,

but you never loved me or her. Or anyone. Or anything."

- You know Taylor Swift? - Oh yeah, she's really neat.

I mean, I'd say she's my second favorite artist.

I did not know old people like cool music.

What's your first favorite?

Death metal pioneers, Cannibal Corpse.

Where's Mary Helen?

Our hostess?

Sorry, friend. I'm afraid her dance card is full.

She has retired to her private chambers with my friend Rich.

Where are my manners?

Chip Barfield. And you are?

Her husband.

Shit balls.

Get ready for a mouthful of Texas heaven.

- What the-- - What the?

- What the-- - Mel.

Mel, would it kill you to knock? Jesus!

I don't have to knock to come into my own goddamn bedroom to find my wife!

- Wife? - Why the hell are your damn pants down?

I-- she said she was going in to change into something more comfortable.

I did. I put flats on. My heels were killing me.

You entered into the bathroom to get actual pie?

Who keeps pie in a bathroom?

Where the hell is she supposed to find that much goddamn counter space

- in a hotel? - Wet bar?

Oh, that is it.

You're going over the balcony, you son of a bitch.

I interviewed a trained assassin once.

Do you know what he told me people ask for

before he blows their heads off?

- Their mommy? - Respect.

- You work your ass off. - I really do.

You come here, you do the dance

and you need to be respected for that.

I'm gonna give you that respect, Rob.

Oh, God.

Yes... yes.

- But you're not getting any more money. - Say what?

It's a trickle-down economy. Once I make the big boys happy,

there's very little to kick down to the C team.

Yeah, but can't you--

You mean the B team, right?

Do I, Rob? Do I?

- So we have a deal? - Yes. Fine, whatever.

Just get me the hell out of this room.

Come on, you gotta push.

Fine, you fuck face.

I need a fucking raise, okay?

I need a fucking raise,

and I need to get the fuck out of this room.

That pushy enough for you, you maniacal twat?

No, Rob. The door. Push the door.

What?

Oh.

Wow. Hell of a shvitz.

Hello, Maury.

( groans )

( stammers ) Mel. It's Mel? Listen.

This is all a misunderstanding, okay?

Man-to-man, I misread the signs.

She invited me up there, she offered me her pie...

And by pie you thought it was my hoo-ha?

- I did. - Oh, good Lord.

Get out of the 80s.

Sweetie, I wouldn't have sexual relations with you

if my life depended on it.

- You're a character actor. - Uh?

Plus, he has a cock like a cat head duct taped to a baby's arm.

Kudos.

Now I'm gonna toss you off the balcony.

No, hey. No, TO. Mel, wait.

Wait. Mistakes were made.

Okay? But lessons were learned.

Pants were put back on, I think the takeaway here,

if we could pause for a second is that...

she's a dish.

She's a pot of gold, my man.

She is something else. I mean, she's got it going on

and she reeled me in, okay? I fell for it.

I bought it, hook, line, and sinker

and yet, there she is with you.

And there you are with her.

And this is what I'm seeing here, what I'm seeing here is...

Honestly? It's beautiful.

It's really nice, it's really, truly...

I mean there's something here that I'm seeing, that like,

if you could stand here and see what I'm seeing you'd go "Oh, my God,"

because it's real.

I mean, there are naysayers out there who would tell you that love is dead.

I've heard 'em say it.

But you know what?

After tonight, after what I'm seeing right now.

To those people I would say "My friend you are mistaken."

I would say romance is alive and well,

and living in Texas.

I would say "you don't believe in true love?

Well, let me introduce you

to Mary Helen and Mel."

Right.

( sighs )

Unbelievable.

( shouting )

( splashes )

Robbie?

Richie?

How was the spa?

Oh, shitty. Party?

Shittier.

What you drinking?

- Peach fizz. - Hm.

- Yeah. - Is it tasty?

Not anymore.

( music playing )

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