Original subtitles

Son of a bitch!

- Sliced it. - Rich: Yes, you did.

Okay, that makes it Matt's turn.

- The fuck it is. - What?

If you think I'm wasting my nickels on your half-ass excuse for a sport?

Mm-mm. To quote Judy Priest,

"You have another think coming, bro."

Somebody spike the green drink, man?

Don't you dare blame this on my Everclear smoothie.

This is about you two assholes giving Mother Nature the middle finger.

Go ahead, support the devastation and destruction of our wetlands

for some bullshit elitist white man pastime.

Matt, it's a video game.

Tell wildlife it's a video game, Kurt!

Okay.

So be it. Hold my beer, it's my turn.

Rob: Whoo! Ha ha ha ha!

Beers for everybody!

Here you go, kids.

- Hey, yeah? - Yeah.

- Older people rock. - Right?

Rob: Whoo, you'd better believe it.

Oh, hey gang.

This is Stella. Stella, gang.

Stella's gonna be rolling with "The Kid" tonight,

if she can keep up.

Whoo.

Boom.

What's up with Rob?

Why, whatever do you mean, Matthew?

What do you mean, what do I mean? Look at him.

He's social, he's fun, he doesn't stink, he's not sweating.

Top secret mystery drug.

- Fine, be a jerk. - No, I'm dead serious.

Robby is part of a medical study.

They paid him 500 bones to try this new

experimental anti-anxiety medication.

Bennett, you're up.

Oh, all right.

Hey, you are unbelievably cute. What are you doing with him?

He's hilarious and awesome.

No, seriously. What--

Oh, beware, my Lord of Jealousy.

'Tis the green eyed monster that doth mock the meat it feeds on.

- What the-- - Shakespeare, bitches!

Ooh, tough shot.

I'll take that.

You got a hole in one!

( cheering )

Double boom. ( clicks tongue )

Double boom? Hmm.

How're we doing everybody?

Good night tonight, huh? Fun night.

Hit it, Virg.

This one goes out to somebody special.

♪ Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling ♪

That's right, you know this one.

♪ From glen to glen, and down the mountain side ♪

He's singing "Danny Boy."

- And he's making it sexy. - ♪ The farmer's gone

♪ And all the flowers, they're a-dyin' ♪

I don't like it.

- The song? - No.

♪ Danny boy

How much I like him right now.

♪ I love you so.

Yeah!

( music playing )

♪ Looking for a sign

♪ Looking for a table set for fun ♪

♪ Set the alarm to exactly half-past none ♪

♪ Just tell me where to sign for you. ♪

As you see,

double stitching is the way to go

when you're dealing with the crotch of leather pants.

Trust me, that baby's gone through hell.

( chuckles )

- Ah. - Ah!

You were on fuego last night.

- I remember Golden Tee. - I hope so.

You rolled the game of your life.

Why're you dressed like an usher?

Oh, uh, I'm emceeing the costume contest today.

- At the Oscars? - I am upping my game, Robby.

This is my opportunity to prove to the bosses

that I am capable of being a sophisticated entertainer.

You sticking with the flaming dildo bit?

- Yeah, you don't cut a classic. - Cool.

I'm telling you, last night you were completely unrecognizable

except for your face.

You even looked taller. I'd have sworn you were 5'8".

- I really was in the zone. - You were.

You made a date with Stella to go back to that bar tonight.

- Wow. - Uh-huh.

Who you calling?

The doctor who ran the medical trial group.

He told me to call in and report my findings.

- Hmm. - ( line ringing )

Doctor Goldfarb.

Hey, Doc. Yeah, it's Rob Bennett.

I was part of the medical trial group for Comasin.

Yes, Robert.

How has your experience been so far?

This drug is a miracle. I've never felt better in my life.

I mean, right now I don't feel so hot,

but last night, I was on fire.

He was in the pocket, Dr. G.

- Shh! - Hey, well--

Dr. Goldfarb: That's wonderful to hear.

Ah, here we are.

Huh. You were in the placebo group.

- Come again? - Well, you were given sugar pills.

That's-- no, that's impossible.

Just goes to show you the power of the brain, my boy.

Now could you explain exactly how--

- ( beep ) - What'd he say?

- I was in the placebo group. - Richard: What?

There's nothing in those pills he gave me.

- Just sugar water. - Wait, what...

What made me not hate you, then?

- Must've been all the other stuff. - What other stuff?

Well, I was feeling a bit stuffy on the plane,

so I took a little Nyquil,

and I washed that down with two fingers of whiskey.

- Rich: Like you do. - Yeah.

Took some Xanax just to counteract the anti-anxiety meds,

which I didn't know were fake at the time.

Rogaine, Visine, Zoloft, ibuprofen.

I accidentally ingested a little bit of my sciatica ointment

and got a little bit of a contact high from the cab driver.

You two shared a joint?

- Yeah. - Okay, well, there you go.

There's your recipe right there.

All you gotta do is recreate that cocktail,

and poof, you're back in business.

Rich, that's a lot of stuff.

How am I supposed to recreate that?

Become a human test kitchen, okay?

Just experiment with various combinations

until you hit the right one.

Hey, trust me. It's worth it, my man.

This Stella is wife number two material.

You're gonna want to bring your A game.

What if she just likes me for me?

Are you willing to take that chance?

I'll start whipping some stuff up.

- They wanted to take my picture. - They love you.

Hey guys, this is Carly. She's a new character on the show.

- And a convention virgin. - Serge: Well, hello.

- Be nice. - Are you shitting me?

Dickie! What the shit?

Aah!

- I can't believe this. - Table for two, please.

- Yeah, there's a reason for this. - Nice to meet you.

- I'm Matt Cochran. - Did someone say "cock ring"?

(Speaking French)

- Okay, I'm over you.

Should I have brought my pepper spray?

They didn't put that in your welcome pack?

So, how do you know Rich?

- Uh, we did "Hellboat 2" together. - We did.

On location, in the water, buck naked the entire time.

That's true. I had to stare at that flabby ass for two months.

Had to?

- Got to. - Got to, there you go.

Whoa! ( splat )

Combo one's a fail, Rich.

Copy that, Bob-o.

That's Rob.

Hi!

- Hey. - ( Rob retches )

So how did I not know that you were gonna be here?

How did I not know you were on the show?

Oh, my God, yes! Courtney, hi!

- God, she's so amazing. - Take our pic.

- Take your pic? - Yes.

Hey Rich.

- Do you want me to get-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, big smiles.

Now, crazy face.

Now, angry face.

And a selfie of me...

- So good, and look at you! - Really? Thank you so much.

- Thank you, thank you. - Thank you.

Thumbs down on combo two, Rich.

Ten-four, good buddy.

- Thanks, buddy. - Nice try.

I gave you my number, and you never called me.

You were barely drinking age.

Well, it didn't stop you from pumping me full of hurricanes.

Make me sound dirtier, why don't you?

Thank you so much. Hi.

Were you 26?

I-- I was 30.

I was 30. Thank you.

Oh, that is old.

You were a straight-up perv.

- Combo three's no good, Rich. - Roger that, bud.

Okey doke. We're here.

- Now you sure you're feeling okay? - Yeah, I feel great!

I feel good, and combo 14 was the ticket.

- Perfect. - Yeah.

Where is Stella? Stella, Stella.

- Ah-- - Ooh, kids!

- Hey, kids, remember me? - No.

( laughs ) Okay.

- Hey. - Oh, Jesus.

Should we find a table? Come on.

Really?

So Martin Sheen says, "Matt Cochran, you'd better finish this drink,

'cause I'm wasted!" Martin effing Sheen.

Don't you mean Charlie?

Which one was in "Three Men and a Baby"?

Uh, neither.

So, did you guys, like, do it?

Ha ha.

Oh, let's be honest.

She wanted to, badly.

I'm sorry, we will be honest.

I needed to carry around a spatula to peel you off of me.

I thought that was part of your mating ritual.

I didn't know that that was-- Rob: I really liked her boobies!

- Um... - Rob: Sorry, I spit on you a little bit.

Excuse me.

And I said, "Let me get up on that bottom."

- Hey, kids. - She's a friend of my mom's.

Ah-- oh!

- Your friend is wasted. - I have to go wee wee.

You should think that, not say it.

- Excuse me. - Mm-hmm.

I can't find the right combination.

That's because there is no right combination.

Bernie?

Bernie Kopell, is that you?

Having a hard time with the ladies, I see.

Oh, my God.

WWBKD.

What would Bernie do? I'll tell you what I'd do.

I'd take Loretta Swit down to the Lido Deck

and give her a thorough pelvic.

But seeing as how we're on land,

I suggest you batten down the hatches,

tighten the ropes because there's choppy waters ahead, my friend.

I thought we were on land?

Stay with me, Rob.

You don't need those!

But I gotta have my A game.

And right now you're less "A game" and more "A hole."

Let the wind be your guide.

I have faith in you, Cap'n.

Thanks, Bernie.

Bernie?

That movie set was like nothing you've ever seen before.

Leather, plush--

Hey, did Rob just sprint by here?

Kinda busy here, bro. Why don't you ask your lame-o girlfriend?

Anyways, I'm with the guys from "Three Men and a Baby."

Best set I've ever been on.

- Hey, sorry about that. - Hey.

Matt finally scurried away.

I saw that.

- How'd you pull that off? - I made fun of his aftershave.

Matt: It's all-over body spray!

Really sensitive about it.

( glass shattering )

- Oh, Jesus. - Rob: There's a step there

I didn't see before. ♪ --ny boy the pipes are calling ♪

♪ From glen to glen

( off key ) ♪ And down the mountain side

Can't find the right key, but-- ♪ Come ye back

♪ When summer's in the meadow

♪ The valley's hushed

♪ And white with--

( gasps ) Stella!

Why?!

( sobs )

Stella, your Uber has arrived.

You snooze, you lose, Carly.

Night night.

What a monumental douche.

But you know, it's kind of nice having him around.

He keeps Rob and me from being the biggest turds in the room.

Barely.

Yep, well, thank you.

Barely.

Whatever happened with us?

I mean, we liked each other, right?

Oh, the timing was off.

Well, what about this timing?

I'll be honest, I mean, I feel really good about this timing.

Rich... you are pretty damaged goods.

Better than ugly damaged goods.

Funny damaged goods.

I'll take that.

- Where is Rob? - Ah, yeah, I don't know.

I guess he, uh-- I guess he pulled an Irish goodbye.

What's an Irish goodbye?

When you sneak off without telling anybody.

What about sneaking out is Irish?

You do it in green.

I don't know. I don't--

I don't make up the sayings, I just overuse them.

- I learn so much from you. - Oh, I can only imagine.

I'm sure Rob's back at the hotel...

tucked into his bed, sleeping like a baby as we speak.

( phone ringing )

( phone ringing )

( phone ringing )

- Hello? - Rich: Rob, finally!

- Where have you been? - Rich.

Yes, it's me. Where are you?

- Where are you? - I'm at the hotel.

- Oh, that makes sense. - Dude, where the hell are you?

- I don't know. - What do you mean, you don't know?

No, I literally don't-- it's a part of the city

I don't recognize.

- There's traffic, uh, trees. - Uh-huh.

- Some birds, kids playing. - Great.

- A library of some sort. - Okay.

- Some kind of stadium. - Stadium?

- Ah... - Staples Center?

No, it's not Staples.

It's under construction, whatever.

It's some stadium under construction.

A football stadium.

Yes, looks like maybe a football-- you know what it looks like?

- What? - Where is it that USC plays?

- Ah, the Coliseum? - Oh, fuck.

What?

- I'm in Rome, Rich. - Rome?

How the fuck did I get to Rome?

Quit dicking around and get back here.

Fuck!

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