Original subtitles

- Hey there! - Hi.

Your hair used to be brown.

- Still is. - No, no, it's brown and gray.

Yeah, mostly brown, though.

And gray. Brown and gray.

Thank you so much for coming, thanks.

It's nice.

Beth, can I get more cream in my coffee?

Make it a lot more. Thank you, Beth.

- Hi. - Fan: Hey.

Gee, there sure are a lot of ladies in line.

There's the benefit of having

two strapping lumbersexuals as your leads, Chip.

Are you guys talking about me again?

Cream me up, please, Beth. Thank you.

Hey, everybody, miss me?

( cheers, applause )

- Hey, pal. - Where you been, buddy?

I had to put myself on tape for a commercial audition.

How's that work, Rich?

You have to actually prove you have erectile dysfunction

or they just trust you?

You don't do comedy, do you, Sue?

Hi, sweetie.

Hey there. Oh...

You look nervous.

I can't believe I'm actually talking to you.

You're the best.

Hey, you hear that, gang?

This one gets it.

What can I sign for you, honey?

Actually, I was wondering... where's the bathroom?

Uh... it's out the double doors, around the corner on your right.

Thanks. My mom thinks you're really cute.

Lovely.

Bring me my goddamn scotch.

- Creamer, creamer, sorry. - Fan: Are they drinking?

You know, back in the day Bernie Kopell and I didn't have to ask

to get drunk at a convention, we just did it.

Hell, Bernie demanded it.

The man was a stern taskmaster but you don't say no to a goddamn legend.

He's actually very nice. He's just having a moment.

- Hi. - Hi.

Wow. Did you make this?

I worked for two years to make one for each of you.

It's amazing. It looks just like me.

Except that guy has less glue holding his hair in place.

Um, where-- where should I--

It's a little fragile so if you can just sign along maybe the--

- Oh! Oh, Jesus. - You know what? It's okay.

Why don't I give you something else to sign?

- It's kinda drying to my hand. - The glue is still a little bit tacky.

A little soap and water will take care of that.

- I have real sensitive skin. - Okay, okay.

It's really starting to burn.

Oh.

- Goddamn it, Rob. - I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to.

Give me that.

No, no.

Oh!

( whimpers )

Did you want this personalized?

( opening credits music )

♪ Looking for a sign

♪ Looking for a table set for fun ♪

♪ Set the alarm to exactly half-past none ♪

♪ Just tell me where to sign for you ♪

( phone ringing )

Recording: Good morning, Mr. Jablowmie.

This is your wake-up call for 8 am.

- Holy... - Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

They can't really spring this on us like this, can they?

"Dear performers,

this weekend marks the launch of our inaugural Cirque de Cabaret.

Please prepare one circus-style bit to perform tomorrow night.

Congratulations on your contractually- obligated participation.

We look forward to your performance."

This is bullshit.

What are you guys gonna do?

- Sing a hymn. - Speak French, take my shirt off.

So I'm the only one who doesn't have an act?

Oui.

Aloha, gang.

Hey, have you seen this thing about the event tomorrow night?

Cirque de Cabaret? Oh, yeah.

- I know about it. - Well, what are you gonna do?

Well, Robbie and I recently worked up a pretty air-tight juggling bit.

- I love juggling. - Why did you do that?

Susan, my father taught me at a tender age,

always keep a blue blazer in your suitcase, jumper cables in your car

and a solid 15 minute circus act in your back pocket.

You're an idiot.

But a prepared idiot, thank you very much.

Roberto. Hey, mandatory meeting.

What's up, buddy?

- I booked a commercial. - What?

- Yeah. - Dude, that's awesome.

Thank you, yeah, it's a national.

- Agent just emailed me this morning. - Jackpot!

- Yeah. - What's it for?

Some... diarrhea-curing abdominal rub that also exfoliates.

- Huh. - Yeah.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

One snag.

I gotta be shirtless.

That's cool, man. You look awesome.

Portly is the new ripped.

Yeah, I know. I just--

Before I show some skin I'd like to give the old torso a tune-up.

- Right. The old torso tune-up. - Right.

- What to be done? - Huh.

Dude, problem solved.

Hey, Matt... Matt.

I'm not investing in Amway.

I'm not doing that anymore.

No, Rich booked a national commercial.

- Weird. - Thanks.

Yeah, and he has to take his shirt off for it

which is disconcerting for all of us,

but, then I realized, Matt has an unhealthy obsession with his body

so he can help Rich, you know, put him through the motions,

trim off that muffin top.

- No. - Gosh, come on, man.

Please, I don't wanna go on camera looking like Papa Smurf.

You'd have to do everything I ask when I ask you to do it.

I can do that.

Push yourself beyond anything you ever thought possible.

I can do that.

And you'd have to pay me $50 an hour, cash, under the table

for a minimum commitment of five hours.

- Ah... - He could do that...

Let's do this shit.

The most important part of all workouts... the stretch.

- Hah! - Hah!

Haah...

Haah... Aah!

One.

- ( grunting ) - Three.

( groaning )

Do uou want the director to call you Fatty McFat Fuck when you walk on set?

No.

How-- How do I decline, incline?

Twenty-four.

Do you want America to collectively shut off their TVs in revulsion

- when they see you on screen? - No.

Fifty-eight.

Do you want your makeup artist to projectile vomit

at the sight of your hideous face?

- Why-- why... - Shut up!

A hundred!

One.

- ( grunt ) - I can't get up.

I can't get up.

I did it... Matt?

Mattie? Matt?

A little help? Aah!

( phone rings )

( grunts )

( phone rings )

The hell?

What the shit?

( phone rings )

Hey, there's something wrong with my arms!

Recording: Good morning, Mr. Jablowmie.

- This is your wake-up call for 8 am. - Ah! fuck.

( groaning )

- Damn it! - ( knock on door )

- Waiter: Hola, room service. - Rich: Come in.

I got the chorizo you ordered...

Oh!

I'll give you veinte dinero, if you help me put on my pantalones.

And that's why Bernie Kopell always shaves his balls.

True story.

( knocking )

Come in.

( knocking )

What's up, man? Your shower broken?

Mandatory meeting, Robbie.

Just... back up, back, back, back.

How's it going? How'd it go yesterday with Matt?

I thought it went great but... well, today I'm not so sure.

These guns have been in the cabinet a while, Robbie, you know what I mean?

I don't.

- I can't move my arms. - What?

( screams )

- Why? - Why? I barely touched you.

I know, I just told you, I really jacked myself up, man.

- It hurts when I do this? - ( screams )

- Burns like a thousand fires. - Okay, okay, okay, relax.

Rob and Rich... it's time for your panel.

You gotta take point on this, man.

Yeah, it's all good, man, you don't need functioning arms to kill on stage.

Okay, yeah. Okay, let's do it.

- Okay. - ( groans )

You did that on purpose.

Thank you, Burnsville, Minnesota,

I love you, I love you, I love you, but now it is time to bring to the stage...

Richard Slate and Rob Bennett.

( cheers, applause )

- Whoo! - Oh, shit.

There we go, all right, take care. Have fun.

- ( mic thumps, feedback ) - Fuck

What's up, Burnsville, my people?

That went well, I thought.

I had to re-enact my entire jumping jacks bit using only my eyes.

People probably thought I had Bell's Palsy.

Fuck... Ugh.. I could use a little help here.

Where?

- Unzip me. - What? Come on.

Dude, I'm code yellow. I gotta go bad.

You've been standing there for three minutes, what have you been doing?

Trying to will away my need to pee.

It didn't work.

Oh, Jesus.

Just be glad I'm not a code brown. Now, come on, unzip.

- Come on. - I gotta get your shirt up first.

Holy shit.

Oh, come on, man!

Now what are you doing?

Trying to get snake out of the cave.

Okay, well, hurry up, will ya? That circus starts in a few minutes.

I'm well aware.

This is-- oh-- This is a nightmare.

Come on, you try doing this without any hands.

- I don't-- I-- - Fuck.

You good?

Pull it out.

- Fuck you. - Robbie, I'm dying.

I'll fly your body home.

- I'm gonna explode, Robbie. - I'll alert housekeeping.

- Bro hun! - Don't call me bro hun.

( peeing )

Oh, boy.

You really left me hanging in there, Rob.

Bad choice of words, buddy. Oh.

- God. - Yeah.

What if I had pulled it out? Who would've put it back in, huh?

Not this guy.

You would've been pulling a nosy neighbor for the rest of the day.

I did you a favor.

Smells like a parking garage stairwell back here.

I miss those days.

Rob, I cannot go out on stage looking like this.

No. No, you can't.

I don't want a beer.

Aah!

Oh, ooh hoo! Hoo!

Now it all matches.

Quick thinking, buddy.

Thanks, it's not my first pre-show pant piss.

Thank you guys so much. I love you people.

Good luck following Push-Up Paradise.

- ( music plays ) - That's our cue.

- Whoo. - Whoo, all right.

Who's ready for some juggling?

- Ha ha! - This guy...

- And this guy. - All right.

Let's do this.

All righty.

( chuckles ) Great.

Okay, so what's our exit strategy if everybody storms the stage?

Throw them again.

- Buddy, I say we cut our losses. - Robbie.

- You can't move your arms. - Robbie.

When you refused to pull my penis out,

aim it for me and stuff it back in my pants

you made me realize... this is my problem.

And I'm gonna fix it. Nobody's storming anything, buddy.

You get your ass back there and you throw them again.

- Okay. - You got me?

- I got you. - Yeah, I got you.

- All right. - Ready?

Okay, yeah, here we go. For real this time.

Ha ha!

( straining )

- I'm doing it, Robbie. - You got this.

- I got this. - Rob: Yeah.

- Ha! - Whoo, now we're talking.

Thank you, good night.

( cheers, applause )

( end credits music )

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