Original subtitles

I, uh, need that house.

It's got my office in it, and it's a home office,

and it's where I do work.

I mean, I don't go to work at that office.

I leave the house when I go to work, 'cause I--

well, I work all over, when there's work.

It's, uh--

I'm going through a dry spell right now,

but that's-- that's just-- that's the biz.

Like, that's normally done,

and it's just about navigating the water.

But I don't know if you ever watched

"Cassie Goes to College."

- I did not. - I was in that,

and I played Lance,

who was a really fun guy down the hall.

Like, he'd throw the parties, and people'd be like,

"What's going on at Lance's?"

- I get it. - Okay.

The point is, sir,

- I'm talking about my office... - Mm-hmm.

...which is in my house,

and within that office

I need somewhere to put my office things,

so when I come back from the office store,

I don't know where to put my office things

if I don't have an office. She's got an office.

In fact, we're in it right now.

Objection. Irrelevant.

Yes, it's just a mediation.

You needn't be that formal, Miss Bennett.

- Uh, it's "Mrs." - Not for much longer.

Okay, isn't it a conflict of interest

that my wife is also my wife's lawyer?

- Ex-wife. - Not yet.

No, she is perfectly within her rights.

Would you like me to handle this for you too?

'Cause I've been handling everything

- for the last 10 years. - Oh, ha ha.

That is the problem! You're such a child!

- You're a child. - Your Honor,

this is a travesty.

You don't have to-- I'm not a judge.

- What'd I miss? - Well, she--

I tried to talk.

You did the bit about the house?

- And the office? - Yeah.

- Nothing? - No.

- God. - I'm sorry,

Mr. Bennett, is this your representative?

It's the tie, right? It was for an audition.

- Nailed it. - ( Marney laughs )

What was the role? Creepy best friend?

Campbell's soup. Young dad.

I'm sorry, sir,

do you have any bearings on these proceedings?

Thank you for asking. Yes, yes, indeed I do.

I'm here to speed them up.

Robbie and I have a 2:00 PM stage talk at PasCon.

That's insider lingo for Pasadena Convention.

- Wow. - So, if you don't mind,

if we could pick up the pace here a bit, toots,

you know, chop-chop.

Hey! Watch your language.

It's okay, Lou.

- You know him? - Courthouse stuff.

You wouldn't understand, Rob. It's this thing called a job.

- Ouch. - I've got a job.

Really? Is it 2005 again?

- ( chuckles ) - Something funny, chief?

- Rich: Whoa. - Marney: Rob.

- Mediator: Sit down, Mr. Bennett. - We doing this?

What are we doing exactly?

Uh, we're just standing here,

just like this.

- Yeah, that's what I thought. - Yeah.

- So hey, good talking. - Sit down.

- Will do. - Lou, stand down.

Mr. Bennett, may I be honest with you?

You stand to gain nothing from these negotiations.

Your wife has been the sole breadwinner

for the majority of your relationship.

Everything that you have is in her name,

the house, its contents, somehow even your vehicle.

She maintains the mortgage on your Segway human transporter

which she says you are not able to ride.

She holds the lease on your Bowflex.

You registered under her name a bass boat

though I'm told you get seasick on soft carpet.

You have no legal standing here.

My advice to you is that you cut your losses and move on.

( clears throat )

Did you tell them about "Cassie Goes To College"?

All right. No further questions.

This is not-- all right. Mediation adjourned.

( Marney chuckles )

- Right? - I know.

- Lou: Dorks. - ( Marney chuckling )

Woman: Uh, my question is for Rob.

What do you do to get in character for a role?

Rich: Ooh, good one.

Well, for me it all starts with costumes, really.

It's like, let's say, for example,

you're playing, like, a police officer.

And you put on, like, the gun and the badge,

and the holster and you start--

you start to feel like a real cop,

like a real somebody, like you're in charge.

And then you realize that's why all officers are a-holes.

Rich: Ah, I--

Robbie, I think she was asking about what you'd wear--

Yeah, no, that's why they all walk like this.

"Whoa, oh, look at me.

I walk like an a-hole.

Ooh, I'm an a-hole, 'cause I'm a cop."

Uh, but you're not a real cop,

you're just a security officer in a courtroom

that's a mediation.

"Oh, you be quiet, 'cause I'm all big and handsome,

and employed. Oh, is this your ex-wife?"

No, mister, she's actually still my wife.

"Oh, it doesn't matter, 'cause she's mine now."

- ( imitates kissing ) - Ha, ha, Robbie!

Okay, wow, what an interesting...

take on the whole profession.

Um, side note: his opinion is not shared by me,

for one, so quick apology to

all the men and women of law enforcement in the house tonight.

In fact, I'll take this time to give a little tip of the cap--

No, not tip of the cap. I do not tip my cap!

Robbie, one of us tips our cap.

- Cap's on! - Why don't you just take five,

- cool off and, uh-- - Fine!

You know how I'm gonna walk back there?

Like a cop. Ehh...

Okay. It's a great bit.

That's a lesser-known character he likes to do

- called "Angry Rob"-- - Rob: No, it's not!

Okay. Does it at parties--

Rob: I am legitimately pissed off!

Okay, can you turn off his mike, please?

Does that answer your question?

( music playing )

♪ Looking for a sign

♪ Looking for a table set for fun ♪

♪ Set the alarm to exactly half past none ♪

♪ Just tell me when it's time for you ♪

( phone buzzes )

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

The emergency is my phone is dying and I don't have any beer.

Do you want to just meet down in the lobby?

Operator: Who's dying, sir?

Seriously, dude, you're killing me.

This whole thing with Marney just sucked the life right out of me.

Operator: No one's killing anyone.

Is Marney in the room with you, sir?

You know goddamn well she's not in the room with me!

Knock it off!

Why you talking like a robot?

Operator: Stay calm, sir.

Tell us where you are and we'll dispatch a car.

- A what? - Sir, you need to tell us

where you are.

Oh, Jesus.

This is really 911? Oh, shoot.

I mean not shoot.

Don't shoot, nobody's shooting anybody.

There's no emergency.

Operator: Sir, what is your location?

No, I'm at a hotel, you see,

and I just forgot to press "7" or whatever

to dial room-to-room.

My buddy Rich is in room 911.

Operator: What hotel, sir?

Sir, you need to tell us where you are right--

( knocking on door )

I can't help but notice you're beerless.

I ( expletive) up, Rich.

Well, that's an easy solve, Robbie,

just mosey on down to the beer store and buy some.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Would you quit messing with my blinds, A,

and B, would sit down? You're starting to make me nervous.

You're making me nervous!

I tried to call you, and I didn't dial "7" first.

I forgot to dial "7"!

You lost me. What does that mean?

That means I dialed 911.

( laughs )

That-- ( laughs )

Come on, that's good, right? That's good!

No, it's not good! It's not good at all!

It's good! That's funny!

- ( knocking on door ) - Man: Open the door!

( knocking on door ) Mr. Slate!

( whispers faintly )

( expletive ) you.

Oh, ( expletive )!

Uh, I'm just getting out of the shower.

- Go. - You go.

You go!

I'm not going going. You...

- ( knocking on door ) - Police, open the door!

Officers.

- Mr. Slate? - Yes.

You shower with your clothes on?

Uh... no.

You dial 911?

Oh, no.

He did.

Rob: Officers.

Hi.

I think there's been a misunderstanding.

What's the emergency, sir?

Here's the thing, there's no emergency.

I called my friend here,

so it was room-to-room, but I forgot to press the "7."

And he's in room 911, and so is the--

now that's gotta be a common hotel thing.

Okay, well, anyway, thanks for stopping by.

Not so fast.

Whose room is this?

It's his.

- We need to see your room. - Hey, Murph.

- Isn't this that guy? - What guy?

That guy from that YouTube video Johnson was showing us.

- The "a-hole cop" guy. - Well, that was fast.

- You that guy? - What? No.

I don't know what you're talking about, really.

- Rich: Heck, yeah, he's that guy. - Whose side are you on?

These guys know your work. That's a good thing.

Rob: I don't even-- I don't even go in there.

Phone book? Who uses a phone book anymore, right?

See? All clear. No emergencies.

- Simple mistake. - Hey, Murph!

Lookie here, huh? Prescription pills.

With no prescription.

No, those are my anti-anxiety pills.

I take those, you know, when I travel.

I use that little case. It's very handy.

Boy, this guy must think we're a couple of real... a-holes.

I don't. I really don't.

Well, maybe we should ask the a-holes down at the station

what they think.

You know, normally I wouldn't arrest you

for possession of illegal narcotics,

but since I'm such an a-hole...

Oh! Oh!

Ah! Could you pop one of those in my mouth?

I feel an episode coming on. Ah! Ah!

Rob on video: That's why they all walk like this.

"Whoa, oh, look at me! I walk like an a-hole."

Excuse me! Officer, sir?

Officer, hi. Hey, um,

I was wondering if, um... can I-- oh.

Hey, Nandez. Do I look like an a-hole when I walk like this?

Huh, do I? Hey, I'm a cop, huh.

Yep, you sure do.

Okay, listen, don't I at least get a phone call?

Yeah, you can use my cell.

( laughs )

You see that? ( laughs )

Come on, guys, come on!

It was taken out of context!

- I was joking! - Officer: What a dick.

( sighs )

Yeah, I don't have any-- do you have any spare change?

That's my line. ( laughs )

Just pick it up. It works.

Oh, okay.

Uh, okay.

And that's when I learned that first responders

truly are the heroes.

That fireman didn't just save a life that day,

he saved a whole litter.

That's why we named the first-born after him.

Meet District Chief Alphonse Jablonsky.

That's beautiful, Ann, thank you.

Thank you.

I know it's not easy, but it's important.

Thank you all for being here, for sharing your stories,

because you know what?

It's in troubled times like these

that we need to come together, to share,

to help heal the wound that Rob sliced into all of our hearts.

We all have to do what we can,

and that is why I have done this.

It's a labor of love, really, just a gesture,

my way of saying "thank you" and "I support you."

Really, it's not about the money,

so just... $20 or whatever you can afford.

( sighs )

You don't have any family?

I gotta tell you something. I'm a huge fan, by the way.

You and 32 million others.

It's like, the one time I go viral, you know?

"Cassie Goes To College."

- Really? - Sincerely.

Dude, that helped me through a real rough patch in my life.

You watched it?

I loved it.

Like, all four seasons?

I watched every frame.

I want to tell you right now, Lance's journey?

- That's awesome. - You nailed it.

Lance is a pretty good character, right?

- He's like underrated. - You don't have a show without Lance.

That's what I always said! It was like--

Uh, Marney Bennett, please.

So where did you usually watch it?

We'd get together, we'd go find a little storefront or something,

sometimes we'd go into Best Buy and watch.

- Oh. - Street party.

Yeah. I mean, like we all,

we would just sit around for hours after every episode

- and unpack it. - I had no idea.

- Oh my gosh! - We'd always joke, like,

"Uh, we must be pretty cool in the streets."

but really-- we were actually cool in the streets.

Legit in the streets, man.

So what have you been up to? What's been going on?

You know, I've got a few things that are in the burner.

You know, I'm working on a couple things,

like, just writing projects,

but not-- nothing...

- Oh. - How about you?

Killin' it.

Just killin' it.

Cool.

Rob: You can just drop me up here by the loading dock.

( engine stops )

Bailing you out, that's a first.

Second, actually.

Oh, right.

I forgot about our wedding night.

Yeah.

Listen...

you're right about what you said.

I've been acting like a baby.

Well, it's nice to hear you admit it finally.

Yeah, you know...

it's like I'd like to think that I can change...

grow up.

You can. Everyone can.

You have to want it.

I do still love you, Marney.

I know.

Don't.

Man: ♪ Awkward

Wanna grab a bite and talk about it?

Hmm?

( music playing )

That was so Lance. Season three.

It's a good effort, though. We're getting somewhere.

Together.

I'll tell you what, Rob, you go ahead.

I'm gonna take care of this, okay?

Marney: Get out.

( music playing )

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