All language subtitles for Kings Of Con s01e02 Whippany, NJ Still Whipping.eng

( plane flying overhead )

( piano music playing )

I finally found the coffee
station.

I am a monster
until I've had a second cup.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I'm not much
of a coffee guy.

You know,
it kinda makes me jumpy.

- More toast?
- Jesus!

No, no thank you.

Thanks.
Heh.

So, uh-- ahem--
so last night

- was fun.
- Yeah, yeah, for sure.

You cried a lot.

No, I just have allergies.

- So, uh...
- Good morning, Robert.

Uh, hey, guys,
what's goin' on?

Oh, my God.
Hi, Rich.

- Can I get a selfie?
- Absolutely. Yeah.

- Get in here, Rob.
- It's okay.

I've already been in there.

Oh, Jesus.

- ( shutter clicks )
- Awesome.

Great.
Hey, uh, Rob,

remember that thing I said
we would probably have to go do?

- Well, we have to go do it
right now. - Okay.

Yeah, we gotta go do this thing
we were talking about we were gonna do

and now we have to go it.

So, um, oh, I need to sign
the breakfast to my room.

Oh, if you're in a hurry,
I can sign it for you.

Oh, no, I kinda have to do it.
We sign in under aliases.

- So...
- Well, I know.

- Hugh.
- Did I...

- Did I tell you that?
- Well, actually, you--

you wrote it at the bar
last night

when you were giving me
your room number.

( chuckles )
Now I know your secret identity.

You're Hugh Janus.

He sure as shit is.

( theme music playing )

♪ Looking for a sign

♪ Looking for a table set for
fun ♪

♪ Set the alarm to exactly
half past none ♪

♪ Just tell me
where to sign for you ♪

Dear God, man,
what have you done?

Don't take that tone with me.

This is much your fault
as it is mine.

"Drink up," he said.
"Mingle with fans," you said.

"It's getting late.
We should go," you said.

You practically pulled it out
and guided it in.

- Ew.
- You, ew.

Robbie,
convention rule one:

Fans are off-limits.

You do not bite the hand
that feeds you,

and you sure as he'll
don't let it give you a tug job.

And you know what?
You can kiss Hugh Janus goodbye.

- You told her your alias.
- I know. I know.

It's this whole divorce thing.
It's-- it's throwing me off.

All right, well, you know what?
What's done is done.

Time for us to focus
on crisis prevention.

Crisis prevention?
What crisis are we preventing?

You're jerking my chain, right?

- No.
- Bobby?

- What?
- Internet.

Social media backlash.

To the computer please.

Ah, shit.

All right, you gotta check
all your sites now.

- Okay?
- 'Kay.

Twitter, Flutter,
Facebook, Tumblr,

Snapchat, Clap Grab, um,
Fumble Finish Live Twist,

- Smellberg.
- Smellberg?

- You're not on Smellberg?
- No.

It's a great site.
You can post all your favorite scents.

Listen, the point is

this woman just slept
with her TV hero.

She's gonna be
out there everywhere

spreading this news
to the Four Winds.

You gotta get out in front of
it.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Now, I'm gonna say this,
and I need you to hear me.

She's going to try to friend
you.

Do not take the bait
and friend her back.

Okay?
I know you're a nice guy.

Let's be honest.

That's misleading,
and quite frankly, just plain cruel.

- Okay, got it.
- All right?

- Yeah.
- You know, scratch that.

Actually, uh,
do friend her back.

Um, because if you don't,

she might go all
boil rabbit on your ass.

And that could get
real dark real fast.

- Yeah.
- Ooh, but then again,

if you do friend her back,

she might think
you guys are actually a thing

and be all up in your
grill-piece 24/7, and that's no bueno.

But then again, if you don't
accept her friend request,

then she might lash out
and start posting everywhere

that you're a heartless a-hole
and a lousy lay.

- Okay, so what do I do?
- No idea.

All right, well, I'm looking
and I don't see anything.

In fact, she hasn't--
she hasn't posted on any of my sites.

- How can you be sure?
- 'Cause nobody has in days.

Well, maybe she's not
the social media type.

- ( notification bell dings )
- True. True.

Oh.
Ah, hey, look.

She posted that picture
of the three of us

- from breakfast this morning.
- Oh.

Did she tag me in it?

Negatory, Robbie.

You're in the clear.

( sighs )

- Feels like I'm in the dirty.
- Keep searching.

Maybe I just don't get
good service at this hotel.

- ( cell phone rings )
- Heh.

Nope.
You're good.

It's weird.

I mean, we really had
a connection last night.

I-- I bought her breakfast
this morning, Rich.

Breakfast.
A la carte.

I could've really pushed
the buffet.

- You know, it's cheaper.
- Yeah.

While still offering
a bevy of options.

But, no, the lady wanted
eggs Florentine.

The lady got eggs Florentine.

- And that is a classy move.
- Yeah.

Fat lot of good it did me.
Radio silence.

Yeah, but, that means she's not
tearing you a new one on the web.

Isn't that a good thing?

Come on in.
Hey.

Now your postchoices
are totem pole, school dance

or shiver me timbers.

- What can I do for you,
brother? - Can I just touch your chest?

- Hey! Hi.
- Hey.

- Well, I...
- What-- what're you doing?

Oh, I, um...

Sorry, I just, uh,
I realized I forgot to give you

- my Twitter handle.
- I already have it.

Okay, well, don't forget to use
that-- that "at" symbol.

Um, it won't work otherwise.

And, um, you know,
I also have a Facebook fan page.

- So you might wanna just...
- Is there a duo photo op scheduled

- I don't know about?
- No, Kurt, there's not.

You're messing with the line
flow. You know that, right?

I do. I do.
Thank you for pointing it out.

Uh, okay.
You know what?

We will finish this conversation
at my photo op.

Well, I didn't buy
a photo with you.

Why wouldn't-- why?
I'm sorry.

And you know what?
Come anyway.

And, uh, no charge.

- Ahem!
- I will cover it when I get paid.

Oh, actually, I can't.
I have a meet and greet then.

( chuckles )
With who?

- Rich.
- With my best friend?

How-- why would you do that?
- Okay, all right.

Drama class is over, all right?
Handler Beth.

Can we handle this?
Be with you in a sec, ladies.

Hey, um...

Look, I-- I didn't want
to have to say this,

but, um, I'm in, like,

a really sensitive place right
now-- my world is spinning,

and, um, it's like, I know it's
not, like, your problem per se,

but I just need you to
understand where I'm coming from

and why this matters.

Okay?

Okay.

I need to get you onstage.

Okay, yeah.
Right.

Rob's walking.

- Whoa!
- Whoa-- hey!

- Rob. Rob.
- What the hell?

Rob, you have stage talk
in five minutes.

What's going on?

Sorry, buddy, but desperate
times call for desperate measures.

- You, my friend, are coming
apart. - ( knocking on door ) Rob?

Everyone's concerned.
That's why we're all here.

Actually I was already in here
having a cry.

No, Rich is right.
You're a fuck up, Rob.

- We want you gone.
- No, we don't.

- Who are you?
- I'm just here to get a mop.

So, what're we doing here?

Rob slept with a fan
and is now in emotional turmoil.

- Yeah.
- You broke convention rule one?

- Oh, man.
- What's the crime here?

I mean, you have hooked up
with fans countless times.

Yeah, of course I do.
That's what I do.

That's my bit.
That's my thing.

That's what people expect of me,
but not you.

You're the "aw, shucks" guy.

You're the one they want to
scoop up, take home, have neutered,

- and teach to poop in a box.
- I saw her.

She was cosplaying
his character.

You know when I say
"Go fuck yourself,"

- it's not what I meant.
- Narcissist.

Okay, guys, I get it.

Um, but, really, there's nothing
to worry about here.

I'm totally fine.
Really, this is not a big deal.

I mean, it's a--
it's really-- it's fine.

Um, I don't know
what went wrong.

You know, it's like we--
we had a night together last night,

we shared a moment,
and then this morning I wake up

and nothing.

Not a thing.

No messages online, uh,

no following me
around the hotel.

No sweet little letters
underneath my door.

It's like, where did it
all go so pear-shaped?

- Damn.
- You men.

You have sex
with a woman once,

and you think
she's gonna become a stalker.

Why is it so hard for you
to understand

that we have
primal sexual urges.

She got in, she got off--
maybe-- and got out.

- End of story.
- W.W.B.K.D.

Excuse me.

What Would Bernie Kopell Do?

You ask that,
you'll never go wrong.

Who is Bernie Kopell?

Rob: Yeah, I'm kinda
lost here, too, Maury.

Does this
clear things up for you?

Is that Doc from "The Love
Boat"?

Bernie's seminal role, yes.

That guy was on TV?
He looks like a dork.

This dork could navigate
the intricate puzzle that is woman

better than any man
I've ever seen.

We did the con circuit together
for a time back in his heyday.

Hmph.

He seduced my wife.

It was the most magnificent
thing I've ever witnessed.

Like an opera.

So much passion
and body makeup.

I was honored just to be there
until they asked me to leave.

I'm not sure how this relates.

Bernie was a man.
A man's man.

If Bernie was dropped
by a woman,

you wouldn't find him in--
in a closet

groveling to a bunch of people
who hardly know or care about him.

He'd own it, deal with it,
then move on.

You got tossed aside by a fan.
There it is.

So now what?

- W.W.B.K.D.
- Exactly.

Time to Bernie up
and do what you're here to do.

Stir up a Sazerac,
grab the mic,

and give that crowd
what they paid for.

A 40-minute stage talk
by the guy who played God on TV

five seasons ago.

And that's when they asked me
to not stop wearing the codpiece.

Any other questions?

Uh, it's more
of a statement really.

- Okay.
- About four years ago,

my Meemaw had a tattoo accident
and she ended up

- losing the use of her arm--
- I'm gonna stop you right there.

You know,

all of us up here
as performers,

we really put ourselves
out there for you,

and, yeah, there's a little bit
of money involved--

maybe a little fame,

but really do we
get anything in return?

No. Nada.

Except sometimes,

somebody in their own sweet,

tender, unique, precious,

little buzzed-up way

says, "Thank you."

Then I'm here to say,

"You're welcome."

I let you see something

that nobody has seen
for a good 18 months.

'Kay.

I exposed myself to you.
( chuckles ) I did.

And you held it.
Let you caress it a little bit.

But as I said in episode 513,
"The Devil Made Me Do It,"

"God giveth,
and God taketh away."

And it is time for me

to taketh it back

and puteth it

in my pocketh.

Thanks for this, everybody.

This has been pretty amazing.

And that's the gospel
according to Bennett.

Thank you, Whippany.
I'm out.

( thud, feedback )

- I'm glad this one's over.
- Oh, I bet.

I feel good, though,
you know?

I got the whole
hooking up-with-a-fan bug

- out of my system.
- Right, yeah.

You know, been there, done that.
Don't need to do it again.

- Mm-mm.
- It's like I said in my stage talk,

I had it out there,
but now it's time to pack it away

- and seal it up.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, the 'it' you keep referring
to, that's your penis, right?

It's my heart.
I'm talking about my heart.

Oh!

Oh, that-- okay.

Huh.

Hey, but you know what?
Something you never thought about.

- Hmm.
- You never saw that woman

when she didn't look like
"Teen Wolf."

That Michael J. Fox version.

She did you a favor
blowing you off, my friend.

You probably just dodged
a hideous bullet.

No, I am sure you are right.

Yeah.

- Whoa.
- Hmm.

( laughs )
Oh, God.

Oh, fuck.

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