Original subtitles

( plane flying overhead )

( piano music playing )

I finally found the coffee station.

I am a monster until I've had a second cup.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, I'm not much of a coffee guy.

You know, it kinda makes me jumpy.

- More toast? - Jesus!

No, no thank you.

Thanks. Heh.

So, uh-- ahem-- so last night

- was fun. - Yeah, yeah, for sure.

You cried a lot.

No, I just have allergies.

- So, uh... - Good morning, Robert.

Uh, hey, guys, what's goin' on?

Oh, my God. Hi, Rich.

- Can I get a selfie? - Absolutely. Yeah.

- Get in here, Rob. - It's okay.

I've already been in there.

Oh, Jesus.

- ( shutter clicks ) - Awesome.

Great. Hey, uh, Rob,

remember that thing I said we would probably have to go do?

- Well, we have to go do it right now. - Okay.

Yeah, we gotta go do this thing we were talking about we were gonna do

and now we have to go it.

So, um, oh, I need to sign the breakfast to my room.

Oh, if you're in a hurry, I can sign it for you.

Oh, no, I kinda have to do it. We sign in under aliases.

- So... - Well, I know.

- Hugh. - Did I...

- Did I tell you that? - Well, actually, you--

you wrote it at the bar last night

when you were giving me your room number.

( chuckles ) Now I know your secret identity.

You're Hugh Janus.

He sure as shit is.

( theme music playing )

♪ Looking for a sign

♪ Looking for a table set for fun ♪

♪ Set the alarm to exactly half past none ♪

♪ Just tell me where to sign for you ♪

Dear God, man, what have you done?

Don't take that tone with me.

This is much your fault as it is mine.

"Drink up," he said. "Mingle with fans," you said.

"It's getting late. We should go," you said.

You practically pulled it out and guided it in.

- Ew. - You, ew.

Robbie, convention rule one:

Fans are off-limits.

You do not bite the hand that feeds you,

and you sure as he'll don't let it give you a tug job.

And you know what? You can kiss Hugh Janus goodbye.

- You told her your alias. - I know. I know.

It's this whole divorce thing. It's-- it's throwing me off.

All right, well, you know what? What's done is done.

Time for us to focus on crisis prevention.

Crisis prevention? What crisis are we preventing?

You're jerking my chain, right?

- No. - Bobby?

- What? - Internet.

Social media backlash.

To the computer please.

Ah, shit.

All right, you gotta check all your sites now.

- Okay? - 'Kay.

Twitter, Flutter, Facebook, Tumblr,

Snapchat, Clap Grab, um, Fumble Finish Live Twist,

- Smellberg. - Smellberg?

- You're not on Smellberg? - No.

It's a great site. You can post all your favorite scents.

Listen, the point is

this woman just slept with her TV hero.

She's gonna be out there everywhere

spreading this news to the Four Winds.

You gotta get out in front of it.

- Okay. - Okay.

Now, I'm gonna say this, and I need you to hear me.

She's going to try to friend you.

Do not take the bait and friend her back.

Okay? I know you're a nice guy.

Let's be honest.

That's misleading, and quite frankly, just plain cruel.

- Okay, got it. - All right?

- Yeah. - You know, scratch that.

Actually, uh, do friend her back.

Um, because if you don't,

she might go all boil rabbit on your ass.

And that could get real dark real fast.

- Yeah. - Ooh, but then again,

if you do friend her back,

she might think you guys are actually a thing

and be all up in your grill-piece 24/7, and that's no bueno.

But then again, if you don't accept her friend request,

then she might lash out and start posting everywhere

that you're a heartless a-hole and a lousy lay.

- Okay, so what do I do? - No idea.

All right, well, I'm looking and I don't see anything.

In fact, she hasn't-- she hasn't posted on any of my sites.

- How can you be sure? - 'Cause nobody has in days.

Well, maybe she's not the social media type.

- ( notification bell dings ) - True. True.

Oh. Ah, hey, look.

She posted that picture of the three of us

- from breakfast this morning. - Oh.

Did she tag me in it?

Negatory, Robbie.

You're in the clear.

( sighs )

- Feels like I'm in the dirty. - Keep searching.

Maybe I just don't get good service at this hotel.

- ( cell phone rings ) - Heh.

Nope. You're good.

It's weird.

I mean, we really had a connection last night.

I-- I bought her breakfast this morning, Rich.

Breakfast. A la carte.

I could've really pushed the buffet.

- You know, it's cheaper. - Yeah.

While still offering a bevy of options.

But, no, the lady wanted eggs Florentine.

The lady got eggs Florentine.

- And that is a classy move. - Yeah.

Fat lot of good it did me. Radio silence.

Yeah, but, that means she's not tearing you a new one on the web.

Isn't that a good thing?

Come on in. Hey.

Now your postchoices are totem pole, school dance

or shiver me timbers.

- What can I do for you, brother? - Can I just touch your chest?

- Hey! Hi. - Hey.

- Well, I... - What-- what're you doing?

Oh, I, um...

Sorry, I just, uh, I realized I forgot to give you

- my Twitter handle. - I already have it.

Okay, well, don't forget to use that-- that "at" symbol.

Um, it won't work otherwise.

And, um, you know, I also have a Facebook fan page.

- So you might wanna just... - Is there a duo photo op scheduled

- I don't know about? - No, Kurt, there's not.

You're messing with the line flow. You know that, right?

I do. I do. Thank you for pointing it out.

Uh, okay. You know what?

We will finish this conversation at my photo op.

Well, I didn't buy a photo with you.

Why wouldn't-- why? I'm sorry.

And you know what? Come anyway.

And, uh, no charge.

- Ahem! - I will cover it when I get paid.

Oh, actually, I can't. I have a meet and greet then.

( chuckles ) With who?

- Rich. - With my best friend?

How-- why would you do that? - Okay, all right.

Drama class is over, all right? Handler Beth.

Can we handle this? Be with you in a sec, ladies.

Hey, um...

Look, I-- I didn't want to have to say this,

but, um, I'm in, like,

a really sensitive place right now-- my world is spinning,

and, um, it's like, I know it's not, like, your problem per se,

but I just need you to understand where I'm coming from

and why this matters.

Okay?

Okay.

I need to get you onstage.

Okay, yeah. Right.

Rob's walking.

- Whoa! - Whoa-- hey!

- Rob. Rob. - What the hell?

Rob, you have stage talk in five minutes.

What's going on?

Sorry, buddy, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

- You, my friend, are coming apart. - ( knocking on door ) Rob?

Everyone's concerned. That's why we're all here.

Actually I was already in here having a cry.

No, Rich is right. You're a fuck up, Rob.

- We want you gone. - No, we don't.

- Who are you? - I'm just here to get a mop.

So, what're we doing here?

Rob slept with a fan and is now in emotional turmoil.

- Yeah. - You broke convention rule one?

- Oh, man. - What's the crime here?

I mean, you have hooked up with fans countless times.

Yeah, of course I do. That's what I do.

That's my bit. That's my thing.

That's what people expect of me, but not you.

You're the "aw, shucks" guy.

You're the one they want to scoop up, take home, have neutered,

- and teach to poop in a box. - I saw her.

She was cosplaying his character.

You know when I say "Go fuck yourself,"

- it's not what I meant. - Narcissist.

Okay, guys, I get it.

Um, but, really, there's nothing to worry about here.

I'm totally fine. Really, this is not a big deal.

I mean, it's a-- it's really-- it's fine.

Um, I don't know what went wrong.

You know, it's like we-- we had a night together last night,

we shared a moment, and then this morning I wake up

and nothing.

Not a thing.

No messages online, uh,

no following me around the hotel.

No sweet little letters underneath my door.

It's like, where did it all go so pear-shaped?

- Damn. - You men.

You have sex with a woman once,

and you think she's gonna become a stalker.

Why is it so hard for you to understand

that we have primal sexual urges.

She got in, she got off-- maybe-- and got out.

- End of story. - W.W.B.K.D.

Excuse me.

What Would Bernie Kopell Do?

You ask that, you'll never go wrong.

Who is Bernie Kopell?

Rob: Yeah, I'm kinda lost here, too, Maury.

Does this clear things up for you?

Is that Doc from "The Love Boat"?

Bernie's seminal role, yes.

That guy was on TV? He looks like a dork.

This dork could navigate the intricate puzzle that is woman

better than any man I've ever seen.

We did the con circuit together for a time back in his heyday.

Hmph.

He seduced my wife.

It was the most magnificent thing I've ever witnessed.

Like an opera.

So much passion and body makeup.

I was honored just to be there until they asked me to leave.

I'm not sure how this relates.

Bernie was a man. A man's man.

If Bernie was dropped by a woman,

you wouldn't find him in-- in a closet

groveling to a bunch of people who hardly know or care about him.

He'd own it, deal with it, then move on.

You got tossed aside by a fan. There it is.

So now what?

- W.W.B.K.D. - Exactly.

Time to Bernie up and do what you're here to do.

Stir up a Sazerac, grab the mic,

and give that crowd what they paid for.

A 40-minute stage talk by the guy who played God on TV

five seasons ago.

And that's when they asked me to not stop wearing the codpiece.

Any other questions?

Uh, it's more of a statement really.

- Okay. - About four years ago,

my Meemaw had a tattoo accident and she ended up

- losing the use of her arm-- - I'm gonna stop you right there.

You know,

all of us up here as performers,

we really put ourselves out there for you,

and, yeah, there's a little bit of money involved--

maybe a little fame,

but really do we get anything in return?

No. Nada.

Except sometimes,

somebody in their own sweet,

tender, unique, precious,

little buzzed-up way

says, "Thank you."

Then I'm here to say,

"You're welcome."

I let you see something

that nobody has seen for a good 18 months.

'Kay.

I exposed myself to you. ( chuckles ) I did.

And you held it. Let you caress it a little bit.

But as I said in episode 513, "The Devil Made Me Do It,"

"God giveth, and God taketh away."

And it is time for me

to taketh it back

and puteth it

in my pocketh.

Thanks for this, everybody.

This has been pretty amazing.

And that's the gospel according to Bennett.

Thank you, Whippany. I'm out.

( thud, feedback )

- I'm glad this one's over. - Oh, I bet.

I feel good, though, you know?

I got the whole hooking up-with-a-fan bug

- out of my system. - Right, yeah.

You know, been there, done that. Don't need to do it again.

- Mm-mm. - It's like I said in my stage talk,

I had it out there, but now it's time to pack it away

- and seal it up. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, the 'it' you keep referring to, that's your penis, right?

It's my heart. I'm talking about my heart.

Oh!

Oh, that-- okay.

Huh.

Hey, but you know what? Something you never thought about.

- Hmm. - You never saw that woman

when she didn't look like "Teen Wolf."

That Michael J. Fox version.

She did you a favor blowing you off, my friend.

You probably just dodged a hideous bullet.

No, I am sure you are right.

Yeah.

- Whoa. - Hmm.

( laughs ) Oh, God.

Oh, fuck.

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