Original subtitles

( wind whistling )

( guitar chord plays, bird shrieks )

Maybe I missed the memo. Is it casual Friday?

I can't do it, Rich.

Can't do what? Find your luggage?

It's over. With Marney.

- It's official. - Oh, shit.

Keep it running, Boris.

Tried to... keep us together.

You know, you never forget the day

you're served your first divorce papers.

If it's any consolation,

the next two times get easier.

- That's no consolation. - I know.

It actually kinda makes it worse.

I know. Grab your gear. We'll talk it out in the car.

No. Not going.

What do you mean you're not going? Why?

I'm-- I'm out. I'm done with this whole thing.

The whole circuit. I'm done.

What do you mean done with the circuit?

- Yeah. I am. - Buddy, that's crazy talk.

Is it, Rich? I'm an actor.

Like, I went to acting school for acting.

You know? And I haven't acted in five plus years.

Why? Because I do fan conventions now.

Oh, now I do that.

I go to these things, I put on--

I dress like an asshole.

I sell outdated pictures of myself.

I dance around like a monkey.

My career is over. My dignity--

I've got no dignity, and now I've got no wife.

Okay, TO. I hear you. Marney's gone.

And, yes, your career is in the shitter.

Okay, it's okay if I say it, but, like, when you say it--

But no dignity?

Buddy, you played God on network TV.

Until they killed me off!

That's the other thing. Like, who kills off God?

How do-- why do you do that? He's omnipresent.

I'm sorry, your highness.

Are you not enjoying your view from the penthouse?

I don't know-- what is this bit?

You have a fan base.

That fan base has gotten you into fan conventions,

and those conventions allow a-holes like you and me

to be treated like the famous fuckers

we should have been 13 weekends a year.

That gives us 13 weekends of fame fantasy camp

where we get car service.

That we have to share.

- Okay. Airfare. - Coach.

Hotel bars littered with women who love us.

Who are dressed like our characters.

Okay, nothing makes you happy, does it?

You're sad-sacking it right now.

Yeah. No, you're moping.

You're wallowing in it just a bit.

- Okay. - Really?

- Yeah. - You know what, buddy?

I'm calling your bluff.

This whole mopey "I quit" act, I'm not buying it.

I bet you dollars to doughnuts

you are half-dressed and ready to rock and roll.

- Now, let's go. - Just leave me alone.

- Come on. - Aah!

- Oh! - Rich!

- Aah! - Damn it!

- Gah. - Why would I be bluffing?

Oh, that's burned in.

Who wears the robe as a joke? Asshole!

♪ Looking for a sign

♪ Looking for a table set for fun ♪

♪ Set the alarm to exactly half past none ♪

♪ Just tell me when it's time for you. ♪

( plane flies overhead )

- Have you guys seen my wig? - It's right here.

No, that's not my wig.

- ( whistles ) - Oh, really?

- What? - That's my wig.

Ah. Thought it was a hand towel.

Did it match the decor of the bathroom?

You know, I did think it was an odd choice.

I also wondered to myself, "Why is this in the bathroom?"

It's all wet.

Wow. Okay. Uh, what's your problem?

You know what my problem is?

I'll tell you what my problem is.

I'm wearing a powder blue tuxedo and a wig.

Yeah, you are. And you know what?

You're wearing the fuck out of it.

Yeah. Put the headband on. Put it on.

Yeah. Broheim. Yes.

I would tell you no if it were no.

It's yes. You don't have a mirror.

Let me be your mirror. You fucking rock.

All right, everybody, let's do this.

You actually have 15 minutes.

All right, uh, 15-minute warning, guys.

One-five. Oh. God.

What am I gonna do for 15 minutes?

Let the wig dry on your head.

Form nicely.

Don't call me "broheim." Ever again.

( cheering )

I can't hear you.

( cheering )

- Yeah! - Whoo!

Robbie!

And then half the mortgage is tax deductable,

so you can't afford not to buy.

Where'd you buy your house?

I don't know. Yet.

Look great in that dress, sweet cheeks.

- Bye, Rob. - Bye, Andre.

Matthew. We are killing it out there, huh?

Yeah, you're killing me, buddy.

Listen, Robbie, when I'm on stage and I'm killing it

and I'm trying to get a line out,

if you could just shut the fuck up

and stop talking over everything I say, man.

Trying to build a brand. Do you get it?

I want-- I want trading cards.

I want action figures. Something.

So if you could just shut the fuck up.

Okay. You got it.

See you back-- see you back out there.

Matt: Whippany, New Jersey, you people are animals!

( cheers, applause )

Hey, Matt. Hey, Matt!

Matt: Hey, hey, miss me?

You wanna do karaoke or see my abs?

( cheers, applause )

Let's do 'em both!

What a complete cluster fuck.

What? You were on fire up there.

You're the king. King of karaoke.

No, more like the village idiot of dorkville.

How does Matt do it?

Bicep? Don't you mean triceps?

( laughter )

Makes it look so easy.

And then DiCaprio asked me what type of hair product I use.

Now, that is respect.

- He hates me. - Oh, for fuck's sake.

No, he hates me.

Hide the knives. Call the suicide hotline.

We got a live one.

I'm nothing but nice to him.

- Yeah? - Total dick to me.

Yeah, that's 'cause he's a dick to everybody.

I was in Toronto with that jackass.

I saw him tear a volunteer a new poop chute

'cause she let his lunch get cold.

- Well, that is annoying. - They were cold cuts.

Matt: Hey, who do I have to fuck to get a beer in here?

- ( laughter ) - I just need to get a job.

- You know what you need? - What?

Get your confidence back. Boom. There, I said it.

Confidence. That's what Matt's got.

Yes, plus youth, you know, good looks, rock-hard abs.

You have a boner, and it's annoying.

You're an asshole.

Listen, I'm trying to make a serious point.

You and I happen to be sitting in the middle

of a confidence-building seminar right now.

And guess what? We're the keynote speakers.

These people pay top dollar to be in this hotel

to see you.

No. No. They pay top dollar to see Justin and Jaden.

That may be so, but those guys aren't lurking around

the hotel lobby bar, now are they?

No, they're at a suite in some other hotel.

I don't give a flying fuck.

I know you and I are here. Gathering up rocks.

For what? What are we gathering rocks for?

- Just go with me. - Okay, okay, okay.

Yeah, I'll give you this.

There are some pretty ladies in here.

Oh, you brought your penis? That's cool.

There's some shorties up in this mofo.

All right, let's settle down, Eminem.

- Oh, look at 12:40. - What?

- Shh. 12:40. - Oh, fuck.

That's almost, uh, last call.

Excuse me. Yo, ma'am, uh, dos mas?

- Hey. - Gracias. What?

12:40. A good-looking woman at 12:40.

Other-- your other 12:40.

Christ, you're dim. That's 12:55.

That's, like, 15 minutes ahead.

What noon are you talking about?

Straight ahead.

We're facing different directions.

Ahead of me. Ahead of me. Straight ahead of me.

Jesus Christ.

- Right? - Oh.

All right, okay, that's it.

- Turn around. - Why?

She'll see you. Turn around.

Isn't that the point? She sees me.

She's filming me with her phone.

- Hi. - Women: Hi.

Wow. Wow, check out her friend.

Her friend is cosplaying your character.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Nicely done with the beard.

Yeah, she really got all your gray right.

You gotta admire that level of detail.

Just wait, just wait.

What? Listen, those aren't just fans.

Those are super fans.

You wanna build confidence?

Confidence is sitting over there at that four top

dressed as you.

- Hi, girls. - Hi!

You guys enjoying the con so far?

- ( women laugh, cheer ) - Oh, I love the enthusiasm.

Son of a bitch.

Sure you recognize my buddy over there.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah!

That's right. There's God at the bar.

Let's get him over here.

( girls laugh )

- Oh, my God. - Ladies.

- Shh. - Mind if I join you?

Oh, we're doing shots.

- Yes! - Yeah, we are.

( laughter echoes )

( plane flies overhead )

( murmurs )

Oh.

( moans ) God.

The fuck?

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