Original subtitles

KYLE: You don't even know Heather!

STAN: I know, I know! I-look, I can't...

[knock on door] WALLY: Nora, can I come in?

[mouth full] Come in.

Hey, Princess. Hey.

You in the middle of something?

[mumbles] TV.

I just wanted to talk to you.

You know I've been going out with Brenda for a while now.

Who's that?

- WALLY: I think it's time that you guys met each other.

I don't know, this could be serious.

- NORA: What does it mean...

What do you mean, it's getting serious?

Serious, serious? Or...

- She wants to come over tonight and make dinner for us.

- How well do you know this "Brrrenda"?

- Just one dinner, Nora.

- Fine.

But don't be surprised if she takes a tumble down a well.

- What? - What?

- Did you just say... No, please, Nora, please.

- Uh oh, I just got my period. Gotta run.

- ?

- Remember when kale was just used in deli displays?

This vegetable's come a long way.

- Yeah, heh. Sure.

- Are you okay?

You've been out of it all day.

- I'm sorry.

I'm just a little nervous about you meeting Nora.

I'm not ready for you to die.

Mmm, I'm not ready for you to dine.

- Wally, you are being dramatic.

- No, listen to me.

Nora has a history of terrorizing my exes.

- No. Please, no.

[screams]

- [police radio chatter]

- Nora, you did this!

- [cries weakly]

- I never figured out how she was able to get Lisa arrested

for tax fraud.

- Um, what about the woman in the wheelchair

that she disemboweled?

That seems more concerning.

- Point is, Nora's always been very weird about

the new relationship conversation.

So... [chuckles nervously] - -heads up.

- Yeah, but Wally, you've gotta give her credit.

Nora's an adult now.

She's not some traumatized, scheming,

sociopathic seven-year-old.

- [typing]

- NORA: How is she this clean? It's impossible.

- ?

- No.

- ?

- Oh, stop pacing. You're making me nervous.

- I can't help it, Bren.

- [loud stomp]

- Oh shit, here she comes.

- ?

- I'm Brenda!

So nice to finally meet you, Nora.

- I only go by my screenname, Lil'spicybitch69.

- Oh.

- GRANDMA: Oh, Brenda, did you make this chicken?

It's so good!

- I did! I'm so glad you like it.

- Mm-hmm.

- So, your dad tells me that you played the trumpet in school?

I myself played the French horn. - NORA: Cool.

Yeah, the French horn is known as

the inferior section of the brass family,

specifically because it not only looks like shit,

tastes like shit, sounds like shit...

- Nora, you know, be nice, huh?

- BRENDA: No, no, no, no... She's right, she's right.

You know, my... my son, Chuck,

he's the musical one in the family.

You know, I wish you could've met him tonight.

He's... he's doing his DJ residency.

- He's a pretty good DJ. - Yeah.

- You're gonna like him. He's a cool guy.

- [clinks glass]

- I just wanted to make a toast.

- Oh.

- [raspy voice] To nothing.

- Here, here.

- Look at that picture!

Is that you? Oh, how cute!

- WALLY: When she was a little kid,

we used to spend the summers upstate at The Lone Ranger.

It's a dude ranch.

- Plus I lost my hymen virginity there.

- [sputters, wheezes]

- Oh. - Trotting.

- Why don't we go back? - WALLY: Oh, no.

- BRENDA: That'd be great! We could all go this weekend.

It'll be like a spontaneous trip.

- I'm busy. But Nora will go with you.

- [whispers] Why would you do that?

- [whispers] It's a good idea.

- [whispers] You know I don't wanna go.

- Hey, I think that's a great idea.

- [whispers] Dad! I don't wanna go.

- This weekend. Just the three of us, huh?

- Ha-ha! Here, here! Mm.

Well? What did you think of Brenda?

- They're moving too fast.

A family vacation? Like this already?

I have intuition, and I know when something's fishy.

And this is fishy.

And... and verifiably she is trying to steal my skin.

I know she is.

- You always get like this, Nora.

I know you have a good heart.

But sometimes this evil little kid comes out.

- You know that wasn't me.

It...

It was Toeknee.

- Who? - Toeknee?

My... imaginary friend? You remember?

- Stop blaming your imaginary friend for wreaking havoc on

your dad's love life.

- Toeknee's real, okay?

And you know that he only appears

when my dad gets new girlfriends.

And I don't know where he comes from.

- Be a good girl, okay?

- Fine! But only because I love you.

Not all these other motherfuckers out here.

- I'm gonna take this.

- ?

- Yeah, well, it smells the same.

- Okay! Yeah, I love it. It's so cute!

- WALLY: You like it? - BRENDA: Yeah!

- Hey, I know.

Let's leave everything here and go get something to eat.

I'm starving.

- Oh, yeah! I'm sure the food's great.

- Oh, I'm all right. You guys can go ahead.

- Are you sure you're all right, Princess?

- Yeah, but I already feel like I have to do...

some poop.

- Okay. - See you later.

- ?

- [door shuts]

- ?

- Long time, no see! [chuckles]

- Toeknee?

- No, no, no, it can't be. It can't be.

- 'Tis I, shitbird!

- What are you doing here, Toeknee?

- Okay, first, it's Toe-Knee.

I can tell when you're spelling it wrong in your head, kids.

Don't belittle me.

- Okay, you, you, need to go, because I am going to go to

a fucking mental institution because of you!

- Hey, there's a reason I'm here and you know it.

Come on, saddlebags! Remember all of our good times?

- [country music playing] - [evil laughing]

- [screams]

- Nora, you did this! - [evil laughing]

[evil laughing]

- Right. And then I get in trouble

for all your little shenanigans, okay?

My dad almost went on Maury!

- Oh, I would've loved that!

- This is a bad trip and I gotta go.

I gotta go.

- Back in the day, we didn't have all of your technologies.

What we did, we did... - [bangs churn]

- Butta, butta, butta, butta, butta.

All right, that was great! Thank you for coming.

- [applause]

- I like butter. - WALLY: Ah, this looks good.

- BRENDA: Yeah.

- Greetings! [laughs]

- Sweetie, are you okay?

- I'm okay. Mm.

Can you leave?

- You want me to leave?

- No, no, no, no. [stutters]

- [farts]

- Nora, come on.

- [whispers] It wasn't me.

It wasn't. It was that guy.

- [chuckles]

- [farts]

- That's a stinky one.

- [farts louder]

- Stop farting, you fart fucker!

[muffled speech]

- ?

- BRENDA: She's unique.

- [laughing] Oh, man!

That was classic!

[laughs]

- Toeknee?

You need to leave right now.

- Why? We're having so much fun.

And that Brenda, whoa, she is trouble.

- I promised my grandma I'd be good.

And also, Brenda? She's actually pretty nice.

- Hey, she only seems nice now.

But that's all because she, you know...

[mumbles] I don't know. - What?

- I don't know, maybe she, like, wants to steal your skin.

- What?

- She's going to steal your skin, you idiot!

And then she's probably gonna ship your ass

off to boarding school in Middle Earth.

- Where's that?

- Then she's gonna start pulling off all your old pictures until

your daddy don't even remember you no more.

But, since you don't need me, I'll be going, I guess.

- No, no, don't go, don't go.

I think I do... I do need you.

I need you.

- I know, baby. I know.

- Okay, Toeknee, don't call me "baby" and pet me like that.

- Can I call you broad? - No!

- Sweet cheeks? - No!

- Dulce de leche?

- Okay, I'll allow that one.

- You were feeling that one. Okay, there we go...

- Can you...

- ?

- [yells triumphantly]

- WALLY: Stand back, stand back. - BRENDA: Okay, you go, you go.

- Okie-dokie, poodle.

Time to break these lovebirds up.

Heh, heh, heh...

- What is that thing?

- You know, it's for, like, camping.

You put it out in the woods. It makes, like, predator noises.

Look, coyote, fox,

wolf, baby coyote.

It's got all manner of bears. - Okay.

How is that gonna help us get to Brenda?

- Oh, you'll find out. [laughs]

There's porridge, the sound of porridge.

- Shut the fuck up.

- You shut the fuck up! What the hell?

- ?

? OXGANG run up in and run amuck ?

? Y-O-X what it is, what the fuck ?

? Run up in, run up in, run amuck ?

? What it is, what it is, what the fuck ?

? What, y'all thought y'all wasn't gonna see me ?

? All up in ya systems, crawled into ya mixtures ?

? Y'all don't get the picture, call me an enigma ?

? My pot to piss in I'll pour it on them ?

? Throwin' foreign objects

? Run up in, run up in, run amuck ?

? What it is, what it is, what the fuck ?

- [toilet flushes]

- Oh, hey, you've been in there a long time.

Is everything... oh, wow.

- I feel so light.

Usually when I travel, every bowel movement is a blessing.

But I just had a miracle.

- Yeah, ee... you're really glowing, Bren.

You look beautiful.

- Hey, where did I put my bag?

- WALLY: Oh, it was right there.

Oh, no, did we leave the door unlocked or something?

- Mm. What a shame.

- No, it doesn't matter! Doesn't matter!

Wherever my clothes are, I wish them peace.

- BOTH: [chuckling]

- Hey, you know, they got a gift shop here.

Maybe they got something.

- Yes.

- [laughs] Gift shop?

Hope you're okay lookin' like a grade-A dork, Brenda!

- BOTH: [laughing]

- Howdy, I'm Cowboy Joe. You must be new in town.

I'll tell ya, Bren, you look like a completely different

person in that get-up.

It's almost like I'm cheatin'.

- That's not funny, Wally.

- Okay, BoCankles, we gotta up our game.

None of this is working.

Your dad's more into Brenda than ever.

- ? Boom, boom

? Boom, when I'm riding the horses ?

- I got an idea.

- [ding] - NORA: Oh, thank you.

Do you have butter lettuce?

- Ask them if they got rats.

- They... they don't... - Dead rats.

- Shut the hell up. - With the ranch sauce.

- I don't want... he doesn't want rats.

I don't want rats. [laughs]

- ?

- Lettuce is so crisp.

- Hello, Wally.

It is I, Deborah.

The woman with whom you had an affair?

- I'm sorry, what?

- Yeah, we met, you know, on the biblical sense.

You don't recall?

- Ah, more vigor, Debbie!

She was better in rehearsal.

- The touching of our bodies together, you know, uh,

so to speak, as it were?

All right, yeah, come on, Wally.

Don't make me say it. I don't relish being crude.

- Oh my... Dad!

Did you cheat on Brenda?

- Oh, oh shit!

No one likes a cheater!

- No, no, no, no, no!

- Oh, wait!

Is this this colonial roleplaying

experimental acting thingy?

- [laughs]

- You're very watchable. You're very watchable.

That's rare.

- Watchable? What, is she high?

- Nobody ever tells me anything nice.

- WALLY: Oh, no, you're very good.

- DEBORAH: Oh my god...

- This is so wild!

Brenda, she's, like, untouchable!

- Well, she does have a very likeable personality.

- Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- No, I'm not.

- Then let's both say it on three.

One, two, three... murder!

- What?

I'm not killing Brenda.

Are you fucking crazy?

- Crazy would be pulling more baby pranks

and expecting them to work.

Murder is the least crazy thing,

especially for this kind of threat.

- Brenda is not a threat.

She's, like, the nicest person ever.

- She needs to go.

- No, Toeknee, I'm drawing the line, there.

And you should draw a line too.

- [sighs] Yeah, you're right.

- Thank you.

- Psych!

[laughs gleefully] - Toeknee, no!

- Sucker!

- [door shuts]

- Where are you, Toeknee!?

- Looking for me, bird tits?

- Put that down.

You don't know how to use that thing.

- So? I can figure it out. It's called YouTube, bitch.

- Oh, you got a computer?

- [struggling]

- What the hell? We're on the same side, here!

I'm trying to protect you from that soul-sucking woman

who's got your dad all dickmatized!

- Okay, listen to me! She's not evil.

In fact, she really cares about my dad.

And I... think she's a good woman.

- Then why the fuck am I here?

- [grunting]

- Kick me? You gonna kick me?

- Okay, all right, all right.

- TOEKNEE: Oh yeah?

- You wanna... - Be that way.

- Silly bitch, huh, huh?

- NORA: Get the fuck away!

- [grunts]

- We all have our demons.

- NORA: Toeknee, I know you don't wanna hear this.

And I know you're just here to protect me.

[pants] But I want my dad to be happy.

And I don't want this anymore.

And I like Brenda.

- What?

- I like Brenda.

I'm sorry, Toeknee.

- I'm proud of you, kid.

You, uh... you really grew up.

- Can you just fade away

like a normal fucking imaginary friend.

- [xylophone notes]

- Ooh.

[exhales]

- ?

- BRENDA: like wait, what happened to Benji?

That was his name. How original.

His name was Benji! - WALLY: [laughs]

- But I liked it.

- That's cute.

- You're so funny.

- BRENDA: Oh...

- I love you, Bren.

Uh, just... it's been such a long time since Tia passed.

And I just haven't met anyone that I feel so...

strongly about, you know?

I mean, Nora was a big part of that.

But... it was me too.

Do you, uh, feel a similar way?

- Yeah, I love you.

- Oh, I thought so.

- [laughs]

- My stomach.

I gotta... - [stomach gurgles]

- go take a shower.

- Wally? - What?

- I know you're gonna go poop.

And it's okay.

You can do that around me now.

- I'm really prairie-dogging here, Bren.

- BRENDA: Oh, no, just go.

Just go, go, go, go, run, run.

- Oh, no.

Come on!

- [flicks lighter frantically]

- Looking for this?

- Toeknee...

Are you... are you real?

- Uh, yeah, yeah, I think so.

- Sorry. I, um, been imagining

some very non-sexy, non-real things today.

Kind of...

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Makes sense, yeah. - Yeah.

- [sighs] These family things suck, huh?

- Yeah, tell me about it.

- [crickets chirping]

- Thanks.

- ?

- You... what?

Why are you looking... Why are you looking at me?

- I'm sorry. I just, um...

I've never wanted to kiss a stranger so badly before.

- Me neither.

- ?

- Whoa! - [shouting]

- Just looking for a pony that escaped from the stable.

You know, what a slippery shit bag.

I mean, uh, good ol' boy.

Sorry, kids.

- Wow.

- Um, okay, well, that's a sign that I should probably go.

But it was good meeting you.

And I hope that you're real.

- I am real.

Like J.Lo featuring Ja Rule.

- Okay, they were real in a different way, but...

- Both real. - Right. Bye.

- Yeah.

- [hums]

Hey! I got you pancakes!

- Oh, yeah, wow.

Yeah.

Um...

Brenda, I... I... I...

I wanted to tell you that you have really...

beautiful teeth.

They look very naturally beautiful.

And I... you know, my dad's always been a teeth guy.

- That means the world to me.

You know, I know all that you've been through.

And seeing the girl you are today, you know,

if I had a daughter, I'd want her to turn out just like you.

- That's very nice, but I feel like if you had a daughter,

you should aim higher.

- No! No.

Oh, there he is! There he is.

Nora, I want you to meet someone.

It's my son, Chuck.

- Mom! - Hi!

- Yeah!

- Wait! Oh, oh, wait.

That's your son, Chuck.

- Yes!

- Half... hapa.

- Yeah, I... I... I have a type.

- Nora. You're Nora.

- Son.

Mother.

Brother.

- What? - What?

- No.

- I can't wait for you guys to spend some quality time

together, huh? That'll be fun, right?

- You know, I'm actually down for that, yeah.

- Oh, I would love that, yes.

- Great. - NORA: Yeah.

- BRENDA: Get some food! - Oh, yeah,

I'll get you some brea... I'll get some pancakes.

Those look good.

- ?

- NORA: [nervous chuckle] So, um,

how long were you in the country?

- Got some cantaloupe there?

- I'll just use my fingers. It's, uh... it's a lot of fruit.

- ?

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