Original subtitles

MUSIC: Fabulous by Freestylers and Scarlett Quinn

Everybody knows I think she's fabulous.

So...

What have you got to say for yourself?

IN EXAGGERATED SCOTTISH ACCENT: I've already said

I did not commit the murder.

GROANING God...

For God's sake, Brian,

just take Scottish off your CV.

Tit.

Right, moving on.

Now, have you seen this? Big news.

"A Theatre Company is looking for dynamic talent..."

That's you lot, yeah?

"..to join their production for a national tour

"for six months." Ooh!

"Particular focus will be on BAME..."

Your time has finally come, Brian.

Just don't do Scottish.

"..and working class."

All o' yer.

Especially you, Tina. You what?!

Oh, come on, Tina, love, who are you kidding?

You're rough as a dog's bollock.

For whatever reason - who knows? - working-class people

are in fashion now.

We're like an exotic fruit.

So, juice that motherfucker, kids.

Juice it.

RELAXING MUSIC

Do you know what?

I'm going to call this Siobhan.

Do it, babe. Yeah, I will.

RINGING TONE

Golden Rose Theatre Company? Hello, Siobhan!

Or...or do people call you, Shiv?

Anyway.

I'm just calling about your audition for the touring theatre company.

It...it says that you're looking for working-class actors.

Sorry, love, all the working class slots 'ave gone.

Have you got 'owt else, love? What do you mean?

Disability?

Well, I don't process dairy well, if that counts?

No, love. Are you black, Asian, minority ethnic?

Could I be black?

No, babe. OK.

I'm not black, but I am ginger.

No, love.

Well, according to Ancestry.com, you can actually trace

our family tree all the way back to the foothills of Nicaragua so...

Are you LGBQT?

Well, what is sexuality, Shiv?

I mean, that's up for grabs, in't it, really?

Not on this form, it's not.

Are you care experienced?

Been through the care system?

Yeah... Yeah, I am. I've got that one.

Yes. I have actually been in and out the care system since day dot, Shiv.

For someone who's never gone past the M62,

I'm very well travelled. I've stayed in a lot of places,

and not all of them would get a glowing review

on TripAdvisor, I can tell you that much.

Garstang Estate. Felt more like a holiday camp.

All the kids ran riot.

We didn't have to go to school,

and thought the local drug dealer was our uncle.

Uncle Tony! Uncle Tony! All right, cockers!

Then I took a short stay on a farm,

where I became the sole carer of a one-legged chicken named Klaus.

I was given strict instructions

to feed him when he was hungry, talk to him when he was lonely,

and prop him up when he fell over.

It was a political awakening for me,

fighting for the rights of a disabled chicken.

Then Grandma's house.

Not the warmest of welcomes from the host.

I don't want her here.

You're forcing her on me, and it's not fair.

But the decor was intriguing,

and the breakfast authentically northern.

She's going to be just like her mother, I can tell by the ears.

Jan's house.

No concept of personal boundaries.

Would happily chat to me about her difficult divorce

when I was clearly busy.

Maud's house.

Certainly a pet-friendly environment.

SLURPING

Perhaps TOO friendly.

OK. Well, you'll need a letter of support from social services,

and then we can secure you an audition.

Oh, that's fantastic. Thank you very much.

Fabulous. LINE CUTS OFF

I think I've got an audition. Well done, babe.

Do you know what?

I knew having a fucked-up childhood would pay off eventually.

To your fucked-up childhood. Whoo!

Ticket number 22 to desk 6, please.

Poor fuckers, social workers.

They deal with loads of harrowing stuff,

take shit off everyone and never get a lunch break.

I had loads growing up.

They always look knackered,

love a bloody cardigan

and look like they drink too much red wine mid-week.

My first social worker was called Beakface. She used to take me

on these dinner dates to the chippy

then write up a report about it afterwards.

Like some sort of shit TripAdvisor for troubled kids.

Alma was in a difficult mood.

She would only refer to me as Beakface and threw chips at me

throughout the meal.

She told me she didn't like me,

she didn't like her foster parents and she wanted to live on her own.

Do you want a drink to go with them or anything?

I always saw myself in a fully furnished Manhattan apartment.

Never really understood what I was doing in Bolton

with all these twatty bastards.

Good butty?

Sorry.

Hello. Didn't know you were there.

How can I help?

So, er, Debbie, I'm auditioning for a theatre company,

and I've got to prove that I'm care experienced.

So, I just need a letter from you guys, to say, "Yeah,

"she was with us, her life were a bit shit, let her in your company."

That sort of thing. Great, yeah.

Good for you, love. Have you got your form?

Yeah. Here you go.

I want to be a famous actress, Debbie.

Do you know, loads of people like me are actors?

Kathy Burke was in care.

Marilyn Monroe was an orphan.

God, I could be Bolton's very own Marilyn.

Pierce Brosnan - he was actually fostered by his grandparents.

I could be the next James Bond!

We have a lot of information about you here.

Yeah? We could put in a request to get your records posted to you,

if you like? I mean, yeah, go on.

I mean, anything about me is always interesting.

I'm my favourite subject, Debbie!

Right.

How do you hold yours, Julie?

Thank you, everybody here. I'm overwhelmed.

I can't believe it, erm, three nominations in one night

and a standing ovation. I mean, it's a lot, isn't it?

But, erm, yeah, deserved.

Erm, and, yeah, I'm very grateful.

I-I'd also to thank my ex-boyfriend, actually,

because he cheated on me with essentially a foetus,

cos if it wasn't for him providing that kind of "fuck you" feeling, um,

I wouldn't be at the stratosphere that you see me at today.

KNOCK AT DOOR Oh.

My records are here.

Oh.

WOMAN: I arrived at the flat at 10:40am,

to see Alma looking through the letterbox.

Mum's sick.

No visitors today, Beakface.

She told me she was thirsty

and started trying to drink from an empty bottle of cider on the floor.

It was noted that there was no food in the house for her breakfast.

I posted a carton of milk

and a packet of peanuts through the letterbox.

Ta, Beakface.

Alma shouted at the dog for defecating in the living room.

Fuck's sake, Benjamin. DOG BARKS

MAN: On the 21st of October,

Alma was finally removed from her grandmother's care.

Get 'er bloody well out of 'ere, and don't come back.

I'm divorcing you!

Oh, piss off, you old crow.

Alma was added to the child protection register under

the category "gravely at risk".

Alma's behaviour was difficult when meeting her mother.

Alma is not making progress academically.

Several teachers have refused to teach Alma.

Alma, 16, is living independently

and struggling to manage her finances.

Alma is an overactive, oversensitive,

emotionally distressed child.

Fucking hell.

But you're OK?

I mean, yeah.

It's pretty weird having your whole life handed to you in a box, Leanne.

But I'm fine.

I feel weirdly zen about the whole thing, actually.

Ooh, I love THAT.

What the hell is this?

A spatula. Yeah.

It's £1.29.

Er, yeah.

It's a 99p shop and this spatula's £1.29.

Do you see where I'm going here? Oh, yeah, you're right.

Not everything's actually 99p.

Well, then, why the FUCK

is it called The 99p Shop, Carl?

It's just a kind of round about figure...

No, it's not "a round about figure", it's a lie.

Because you're selling an idea that doesn't really exist.

You think, "Oh, I can get everything I need for 99p."

You feel joy and hope,

and then you realise.

"Aha! This spatula is £1.29!

"I CAN'T get everything I need for the price I've been promised,

"and I'm being fucked, AGAIN."

Er, sorry?

Well, sometimes sorry's not good enough, Carl.

I'm actually just on work experience.

How convenient.

All right, babe, let's take this, er, spatula and pop it down here

and we'll go this way, OK?

Come on.

MOUTHS

Maybe you should chat to your family about these records?

Leanne, I'm fine. I don't think you're fine, babe.

I'm completely fine.

THAT was an injustice, Leanne,

and I can't stand by and watch injustice happen.

Maybe Leanne's right -

perhaps my family CAN bring some solace at this difficult time.

I don't know whether to kill myself or get drunk.

Maybe not.

She's been painting in rehab, now she thinks she's Van Gogh.

Look at my living room.

Oh, my God.

I don't know what you're moaning about.

The place needed brightening up.

SMASH!

Oh, for God's sake, Jim.

J...

That's the third thing he's broken.

Look at my porcelain dog.

Decapitated.

Sorry. It's like an art gallery for the paranoid in here.

How can I possibly flourish as an artist in this toxic environment?

You're not an artist.

You're a drug addict.

See? This is how you've always been, you've never supported me.

How dare you?! I've always supported my children.

Mummy, I need an Easter bonnet for school.

Oh, love.

You haven't got the ears for a hat.

Have you seen the centrepiece your mother kindly made for me?

What is that? My childhood memoirs.

You see how she uses her painting as a weapon?

Not everything is about YOU, Mother.

Right, everybody, just calm down.

The social worker's coming round any minute to assess us,

and we've got to prove that we're a normal, loving family.

How long for?

Ow!

Oh! Oh, for...

He's scared of blood.

Oh...Jim!

KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, shit, she's here.

Me penis!

I-I'm really sorry, Grandma,

but we don't have time to mourn your penis right now.

Put it away.

My God...

Just in the lounge.

Few teething problems but, er...

gen...generally good.

I think.

So, how's it going, Lin?

Shite.

These arms of mine were made for holding you...

What's wrong?

You're just sort of breathing on me.

Oh.

It's quite intense, hot air in my face.

Sort of loud and smelly.

Right, er...

Maybe try breathing less or more to the side.

OK.

Ugh! I can't breathe.

I didn't mean hold your breath.

I've lost it now.

He's gone.

Have you thought about going to the doctor's?

You might have a sinus obstruction.

Could be affecting your sleep?

Oh, God... Just had Ray Ray on the phone.

She's pissed.

That guy just left a terrible review on the site.

Clients get to write reviews?

For fuck's sake.

It was just like having sex with my wife - awful.

Is there anybody who doesn't get to write down what they think of me?

You can't treat clients like that.

It's rude. His breath was rude.

It was like having sex with a pug that'd been on a long walk.

ENGINE STARTS

Hi! Hello. Do you fancy popping to the pub?

I'd love to,

but I'm with Chris tonight,

and we're a bit tied up, aren't we, love?

No worries.

Bye.

Could you pull in just here?

What is it, love?

Nothing.

Keep going.

VOICES OVERLAP AND ECHO: Alma is not making progress academically.

Alma reminds me of her mother. Very vindictive.

Alma has a frantic quality about her play.

Alma will struggle.

Alma is defiant.

Fuck this.

Fuck this.

MUSIC: Bingo Bango by Basement Jaxx

THEY CHANT

CHEERING

You should've opened your gullet, Steve!

Shots on me!

Girl power!

Girl power!

CHATTER STOPS ABRUPTLY Whoo! Come on!

All I'm saying...is I don't have any money right now,

cos I've actually been very charitable myself this evening,

but I will have money in the future.

So I just need you to temporarily, temporarily, Youseff,

lend me a kebab, huh?

And then I'll pay it back, with interest.

No.

Oi!

Put it back!

Put the kebab back!

Oi!

Bring that kebab back!

Bring that kebab back!

Roger that, over.

HORN BEEPS

Now, don't you start.

Thanks for picking me up.

You bloody nutter.

Well, it takes one to know one.

No, look, I'm-I'm glad you called.

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.

Just, you know, nicked a kebab, chased by the police down the road.

Spent the night in a cell.

I couldn't get hold of Leanne, that's why I called you.

Well, I'm always here for you, you know.

Thanks.

What are you doing?

Well, I just thought, like, you know?

Well, you thought wrong.

Just take me home. All right.

Cool your jets. Jesus.

VOICES ECHO: Alma is rude, disruptive and verbally abusive

in class. Alma is an overactive child.

Alma's life to date leaves very little hope for her future.

I never knew how long

I could hold my breath

Of my leather dress my hunger

Great wall of thunder

Why don't you love her?

Lovers don't reappear

In my mirror

I think I'll wear my new dress

They want dress for success...

Hello? Alma?

You left the door on the latch.

Oh.

Fucking hell, Alma, what happened here?

Just a bit of feng shui. Right.

And arrested? Over kebab meat?

What the fuck, Alma?

Nothing gets past you, does it?

Bill's sister's cousin's mate's shagging her best mate's boyfriend,

who knew the bobby who arrested you, who apparently actually

recognised you from Lesley's baby's christening two years ago.

Right.

These your records, then?

Yeah. Well, maybe we can have a look at them together?

Why?

Well, I'd like to actually know what led to you becoming a felon.

I just really wanted a kebab.

Do you know what's mad about these?

Right, they write some proper dark stuff,

and then they just follow it up, with, like, a dead obvious aside.

Like this one. Listen.

"Mental-health social worker..." I think that says "Colin",

it's redacted.

"..arrived at Miss Nuthall's

"and was confronted by a bearded man waving a hammer."

I mean, poor fucking Colin, to be fair.

He defo got the shit stick at work that day.

"Colin found Lin in a corner of a room, distressed, screaming

"and talking to people who were not present in the room."

Then, it says,

"She was also drunk."

By the time you're sort of grappling with the devil and screaming

at the walls, whether you're pissed or not is surely irrelevant.

Alma... I know.

Look at this here, psychology assessment, right?

I mean,

"The level of neglect Alma has suffered is already presenting

"itself in Alma's chaotic attachment style and low self-esteem.

"This could cause more problems for Alma later in life."

That's like some sort of shit Mystic Meg, isn't it?

LEANNE SIGHS

Do you know, I've always thought, if I can't be normal,

then I'll at least be fabulous. You know, I'll become a star, or,

you know, I'll do something to make it all worthwhile?

I'll recycle it all.

But then you read these and you just feel completely hopeless

and fucked.

They're bullshit, Alma.

They don't take into account any of your actual personality.

They don't mention how fun you are.

You're the only person in the world I like to get rat arsed with.

Yeah. Fuck these fucking records.

Where you off?

Oh! Fuck 'em.

Hey... Woo, yeah, fuck 'em, actually! Yeah, fuck 'em!

Fuck 'em! Woo!

Woo! Oh, no shit. No, Edna.

She'll have coronary if she reads those. Quick.

Now, I know you've got your auditions tomorrow,

so for today, class, were goin' for t'look at this book

in your lap. It's by a bloke from Russia who came up wi' summat big

for actors back in t'day.

It's called Effective Memory -

Emotional Recall.

Now, what that is, is an actor, using their own life and emotional

memories to activate the emotions of their fictional character.

So, for example...

I might be playing a scene where I'm a widower.

Now, I've never had a wife,

but I once lost a dog.

I don't mean on t'park, I mean...

VOICE BREAKS: ..lost the dog. Dead.

So what I have to do, when I'm in that scene,

is try and remember how that felt when Ralp... Sorry.

See, it's working.

.. when Ralph...when Ralph died.

And then those memories, those emotions

will help me play the grieving husband.

Do you get me?

Now, Lesley, you've talked at great length

about your pelvic floor dysfunction.

Use that discomfort,

use that shame.

Glen, let's be honest,

you've pickled that fatty liver of yours with booze

ever since your wife left ya. Use that despair.

Mephistopheles said he would not fight the battle.

And so I will.

Thank you.

That was fantastic. A really smashing performance, Alma.

Thank you. So, it says in your application

that you're a care leaver.

Er, yeah. I just got my records back recently, actually.

Really? And how was that for you?

Not great, er, one social worker described me as overactive,

oversensitive and emotionally distressed, so not fab,

to be honest. But, do you know, I've decided that just means

that I've got a lot of energy, empathy and emotional range.

I've...I've certainly got a lot of effective memory to draw from.

I'd agree with that. As it happens,

I'm a care leaver too,

and, you know, I've always felt

us care experienced folk have got something special.

We've navigated extreme circumstances with complex traumas,

and gained skills and wisdom beyond our years.

We have a huge capacity to love, and, er, to heal and, um, empathise.

And I see that in you, Alma.

Thank you. Do you know, I see it in myself.

I'm very wise.

You know in...in a normal way, not showing-off way.

WHISPERING

Look, we don't normally do this, but your audition was truly brilliant,

and we'd like to offer you a place.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, really?

Oh, my fucking God.

Oh, fuck you - I mean, thank you.

Fucking hell, yes! Woo!

I sit here by myself And you know I love it...

And I'll just...I'll see you.

I don't know when, but, whoo!

If I could tell that little girl in my records anything,

I'd tell her you're gonna be fine, you're gonna be more than fine.

You're gonna be fucking fabulous, love.

I wanna be a big shot

And have 90 cars

I wanna have a boyfriend

And a girl for laughs

But only on Saturdays...

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