Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,120
MUSIC: Paint By Number Heart
by Martha & The Muffins
2
00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:11,000
SHE HUMS TUNELESSLY
3
00:00:15,680 --> 00:00:18,920
They've never been the friendliest
bunch on Grandma's street.
4
00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:23,440
We seem to have a knack
for pissing them off.
5
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,120
Her daughter's a drug addict,
you know.
6
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,840
And she's divorced.
7
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,360
Always has men round...
8
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,240
..and all bloody colours and all.
9
00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:40,720
Worst of all, though...
10
00:00:40,720 --> 00:00:41,800
..she smokes...
11
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:44,560
..in the kitchen.
12
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,640
What are them two bloody staring at?
13
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:53,560
You all right, Sandra?
14
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,560
Do you need help with that?
15
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:57,920
With what, love?
16
00:00:57,920 --> 00:01:00,840
That large stick up your arse -
do you need help with it?
17
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,080
Do you pissing mind?!
18
00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:10,920
Bloody hell, Joan.
19
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:14,240
I could have you locked up
for indecent exposure,
20
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:15,960
if I didn't mind that view so much.
21
00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:20,560
Oh, no, no. Don't put 'em away
on our account.
22
00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:23,400
Did your mother never breast-feed
you, Paul? Hm?
23
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,440
If you're looking for that wayward
daughter of mine, she's not here,
24
00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:27,920
so piss off.
25
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,880
Well, we're going to have to check.
26
00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:31,800
And I might start in your bedroom...
27
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:34,640
..if you want to come and join me?
28
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:36,400
SHE SNIGGERS
29
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,800
Psst! BUSH RUSTLES
30
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:44,560
Alma! Psst!
31
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,600
Alma, come here.
32
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:50,000
Hey, will you do Mummy
a little favour?
33
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,520
I've left my leopard print handbag
in the hallway,
34
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:54,280
so will you just
go and get it for me?
35
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,880
That's Grandma's bag.
No, she...she's lent it to me,
36
00:01:56,880 --> 00:01:59,200
so just go and fetch it
for Mummy, eh?
37
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,800
But don't let anybody see you.
38
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:09,520
Do you mind?
39
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,720
She's not in the washing machine,
is she?
40
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,400
I'm sick of this bloody harassment.
41
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:16,480
I said we've got to
check everywhere, Joan.
42
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:17,840
Get off me knickers.
43
00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:19,400
It's like dental floss.
44
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,360
Are you not getting any at home
or something?
45
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:23,960
Right, now what?
46
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:32,520
Oh, ace!
47
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,040
Oh, ta, Alma.
48
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:35,480
I'll see you soon, yeah?
49
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,040
Stop!
50
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,640
Stop! It's her. Quick, get her!
51
00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:46,920
Come on. Hey! Come on!
52
00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:48,320
Police, stop!
53
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:54,240
But without us Nuttalls, what else
would they have to gossip about?
54
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:11,000
Sorry, Julie, you're a national
treasure but I've got dreams, too.
55
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:14,560
Oh, yeah.
56
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,920
That is fabulous. Look at it.
57
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:19,040
New me, new life.
58
00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:21,080
This is the plan now.
59
00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,520
I'm going to visualise the shit
out of my life.
60
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,600
Hollywood, here I come.
61
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,120
Nothing can hold me back. Exactly.
62
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:30,280
Woo!
63
00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:31,480
I'm on the up.
64
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:34,600
Talent.
65
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:38,720
You've got that in spades, yeah?
66
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:41,680
Well, some of you have
but definitely not you, Lesley.
67
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:44,880
Number two - CV.
68
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:48,520
Now, having a good CV is
part and parcel of being an actor.
69
00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:54,280
I would never have been an
extra/supporting artiste on Corrie,
70
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,560
three times...
71
00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,680
That's three.
72
00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,000
..if I hadn't got me CV
in good working order.
73
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,600
Now, Brian. I notice on yours,
you've got a lot of accents.
74
00:04:05,600 --> 00:04:08,440
But can you do 'em all? Um...
75
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:09,760
..yeah, I think so.
76
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,600
All right.
Give us your Scottish, then.
77
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:13,960
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
78
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:17,200
IN A BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT: Now, ooh!
Oh, haggis.
79
00:04:17,200 --> 00:04:18,800
Ooo! Bit of the noo!
80
00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:20,920
Oh, I just want to dance
with a bottle, eh!
81
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,960
No, Brian. That were not good,
were it, class?
82
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,880
ALL: Not really, no.
83
00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:30,760
If anything, it were a bit racist,
Brian.
84
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:32,320
It was a little bit, yeah.
85
00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,600
Look, it's important.
86
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,400
If any of you have got a skill
on your CV
87
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,160
that you don't actually have,
get it off.
88
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:42,560
Get it off now.
89
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:47,160
Believe you me,
you may think you can Lindy Hop
90
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:50,440
when you've had a few bevvies down
at Mondo's...
91
00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:52,080
..but it's a different story...
92
00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,600
..when you're in an audition
and you're sober
93
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:56,960
and you'll regret that...
94
00:04:58,480 --> 00:04:59,960
..for the rest of your lives.
95
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,040
Can I keep beatboxing on?
96
00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:05,320
Beatboxing?
97
00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:08,160
Beatboxing, it's like... SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
98
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,120
SHE BEATBOXES
99
00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:25,880
No.
100
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:28,720
Attitude -
101
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,640
change it, all of you.
102
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:33,200
You'll not get anywhere
with a chip on your shoulders.
103
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:37,000
Tina, you can't threaten
to beat up casting director,
104
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,520
when you don't get a role.
105
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:39,680
Fuck off!
106
00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:41,920
Alma, you've missed a session.
107
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,320
Lesley, you've missed a fuck load.
108
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,600
Well, my mum's got cancer, Ian,
and I'm her full-time carer,
109
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:50,960
so I can't always...
110
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,080
No-one cares, Les.
111
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:55,360
Excuses don't wash in this biz.
112
00:05:55,360 --> 00:05:56,920
If you're to be an actor,
113
00:05:56,920 --> 00:06:00,160
you do not have room
for personal drama, like Lesley.
114
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,520
Keep drama on stage.
115
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,320
Why do you think I'm still single?
116
00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:07,400
I've not had a girlfriend
for 15 years...
117
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:09,760
..because...
118
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:12,600
..I'm married to the craft.
119
00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:17,840
If you want to be actors,
if you want to be stars,
120
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:20,720
you need to streamline your lives.
121
00:06:20,720 --> 00:06:22,000
Get 'em streamli...
122
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,960
Streamline your lives.
123
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,360
Do it with me.
124
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:27,720
ALL: Streamline your lives.
125
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,840
Streamline your lives.
Streamline your lives.
126
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:33,400
Good, good.
127
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,560
ALL: Streamline your lives.
128
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,080
If you want to be a star,
129
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:43,040
you've got to streamline your lives.
That's what Ian says.
130
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,720
I could've been a star.
131
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:47,760
Of what?
132
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,320
Don't know,
but I've always felt like one.
133
00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,080
I'm just completely bored
since retirement.
134
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:57,760
I need, um...
135
00:06:57,760 --> 00:07:00,040
..a hobby or a pet.
136
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,600
There's only so much Tinder
a girl can take.
137
00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:05,160
Well, it's Mum's CPA on Tuesday.
138
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:07,480
You can come to that
if you want something to do.
139
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,440
Fuck that for a bag of Wotsits!
140
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,320
Just me again, then.
141
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:13,240
Now that's your choice, Alma.
142
00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:15,480
The day I refused to be
your mum's next of kin,
143
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,920
was one of the most liberating days
of my life.
144
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,560
It's the closest you can get
to divorcing a child.
145
00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:23,640
She destroyed me life!
146
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,640
And me vagina.
147
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,160
Ugh.
148
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:29,200
What's a CPA?
149
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,200
CPAs are these dull little
get-togethers
150
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,480
with my mum and a revolving door
of professionals.
151
00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:39,200
Do we really need
all these fucking people?
152
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:44,360
Let's just go around the room
and introduce ourselves.
153
00:07:44,360 --> 00:07:45,440
Er...
154
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:49,920
..I'm Alma, Lin's mum,
I mean, daughter, sorry.
155
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:51,240
Hello.
156
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,200
I'm Lin, the fish
in the fucking bowl.
157
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:58,480
They all sit there taking notes and
talking about her in third person.
158
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,360
And the shit they come out with!
159
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,880
I think Lin could benefit from some
breathing exercises for relaxation.
160
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:07,800
Relaxation?! I smoke for that.
161
00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,000
What about the yarn-bombing course?
162
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,640
Fuck off!
163
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,320
To be fair,
she has tried normal activities.
164
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,240
She's just not very good at them.
165
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:19,560
SHE GROANS
166
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:22,400
Argh!
167
00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,320
OK, shall we just keep going round?
168
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,080
Hello, I'm Jane.
169
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:33,000
Oh, here we go! Another social
worker from the council.
170
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,920
Mum's had more of these
than she's had crack pipes.
171
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,920
They all start off looking fresh
and self-important.
172
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:40,440
By the end, they look like this...
173
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:41,960
ZOMBIE MOANS
174
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:44,600
She has a face
like a right slapped arse, this one.
175
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:49,480
I'm the new social worker
from the council,
176
00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:50,720
taking over from...
177
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,080
Where the fuck is Bev?
178
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:58,000
Bev has had enough, Lin,
179
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:03,320
and I tell you now, I will not be
spoken to the way you spoke to Bev.
180
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,560
I made one comment
about her weird fucking eyebrow!
181
00:09:08,560 --> 00:09:11,960
It wasn't just one comment though,
was it?
182
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,640
You wrote a poem.
183
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,400
Left it on her window screen.
184
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:16,960
She fucked up me bennies.
185
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,880
She'd just had
her gall-bladder removed!
186
00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,800
It's got nothing to do with that.
187
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,480
Bev was a dick
when she had a gall-bladder.
188
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:27,800
She was a dick when she lost it.
Nothing fucking changes with Bev.
189
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,520
OK. Can we just leave
Bev's gall-bladder out of this
190
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,000
and focus on the good news?
191
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,280
What's the good news?
192
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:36,280
We've just been notified that Lin's
section has finally been lifted.
193
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,640
We're looking at potentially
placing her in a hostel
194
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,160
that offers mental health
support services. No!
195
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:43,520
Jim's in one of them now
and he hates it.
196
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:45,200
The tribunal don't feel you're ready
197
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:47,240
for independent living quite yet,
Lin.
198
00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:49,640
Fuck's sake,
you burn one little flat down
199
00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:51,280
and everybody's up in arms.
200
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,840
Yeah, no. I don't think a hostel
will work for my mum
201
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:57,760
cos she needs somewhere where
she can feel calm and stay clean.
202
00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:00,880
Well, the other option's living
with a family member.
203
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:04,840
OK, so this hostel...
204
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:08,240
..is it all right?
Is it a goer, do you think?
205
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:11,680
ALARM WAILS
206
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:12,800
TRAIN WHEELS SCREECH
207
00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:20,280
It's like a shoe box.
A dirty, horrible shoe box.
208
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:22,680
I mean, it's...
209
00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,120
It could be nice.
210
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,800
You know, we just...
I know it's a bit, "Blargh!"
211
00:10:27,800 --> 00:10:31,560
But we'll some paintings up
or we can paint the walls?
212
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:32,880
No painting walls.
213
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:35,040
No nails in walls.
214
00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:36,240
Right.
215
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:37,720
Like prison.
216
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,320
But do you know what?
It's a lovely area this now.
217
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:41,880
It's quite posh nowadays.
218
00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,200
Very leafy.
219
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,400
People keep saying leafy.
220
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,000
What the fuck does it mean?
221
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,880
If I wanted leafy, I'd live in tree.
222
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,240
Lovely lamp, though.
223
00:10:52,880 --> 00:10:54,080
Oh, hello.
224
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:56,760
Are you here about the mice?
225
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:00,360
They keep eating
my fucking cornflakes.
226
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:04,000
Er... No, we're just
showing my mum round
227
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:05,680
cos she might be moving in here.
228
00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:06,960
I don't think so.
229
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,560
What about the mice?
230
00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,520
What are you going to do
about the mice?
231
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:14,840
We're not here about the mice.
232
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,280
We don't know anything about them.
233
00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:17,880
They're taking over!
234
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,200
I can hear them whispering
and plotting in the walls.
235
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,120
OK. Well, maybe speak to...
236
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:25,320
Shh!
237
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,280
Well, the thing is... Shh! Listen!
238
00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:28,320
OK.
239
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,320
I mean, I can't actually hear
anything at the minute but...
240
00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:43,520
Go to your room, Louise.
241
00:11:43,520 --> 00:11:45,280
I put the traps down last night.
242
00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:49,800
Bye, Louise.
Sorry that I couldn't help.
243
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:54,880
But, um...
244
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:57,000
..the clock is nice, in't it, Mum?
It's...
245
00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,960
..you know.
246
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,640
Big window that, in't it?
247
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:04,720
And do you know what?
That's a lovely view.
248
00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:08,520
If you look just straight ahead
and you don't look down,
249
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,120
it's actually quite calming.
250
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,640
APPROACHING SIRENS
Yeah.
251
00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,640
WAILING
252
00:12:15,480 --> 00:12:17,600
It's not quite right, is it?
253
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,600
I know, it's not ideal.
254
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:23,840
Ideal?!
255
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:27,440
I'd have a housemate who thinks
the mice are plotting against her.
256
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,680
To be fair,
she'd be the sanest one there...
257
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,240
..including security.
258
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:34,600
I want me own place, Bob.
259
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,640
I've been drug-free
for over two years.
260
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,800
I'm taking me medication.
261
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:41,880
I've started art therapy.
262
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:44,680
I've got a bedtime,
I pair me socks, I knit.
263
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:46,920
I'm practically
Jessica-fucking-Fletcher,
264
00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,360
for fuck's sake!
265
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:51,760
I've had me own flat before.
266
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,640
But you lost it, Lin.
267
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:56,040
You got yourself in a situation
that means that we...
268
00:12:56,040 --> 00:12:57,560
How dare you!
269
00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:59,720
It wasn't my fault!
270
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:03,240
You have no idea
what I went through. None of you do!
271
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:07,560
You hit rock bottom, and they
fuck you while you're down there.
272
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:12,320
No-one is kind or fair
to people like me!
273
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:16,200
I'm a...I'm a bottom feeder,
swimming in a sea of cunts.
274
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:19,120
Like a great big piece of cod
275
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:25,000
or the Little bloody Mermaid,
who's swimming around with no voice
276
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:29,280
and just a couple of shells
trying to cover up her ample bosom,
277
00:13:29,280 --> 00:13:33,480
because some fucking octopus
has taken her voice away
278
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,560
and shoved it up
a prince's arse somewhere!
279
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:39,160
And how do you think
that makes me feel?
280
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:43,520
It makes me feel
like a big fucking piece of cod!
281
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:46,280
I never know whether to laugh or cry
at these rants.
282
00:13:46,280 --> 00:13:48,320
There's a bizarre logic to 'em.
283
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:49,840
It all went wrong for Mum,
284
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:53,040
when the Government brought in the
point-scoring system for disability.
285
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,560
She was assessed on whether
she was fit for work...
286
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,960
..not by a doctor
but by this bloke.
287
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,040
HE COUGHS
288
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,360
After Mum failed
her disability assessment,
289
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,400
she found other income streams.
290
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:05,680
Then Mum's nurse visits got cut.
291
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:07,880
They closed the local clinics,
292
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,640
so she had to get two buses
for her anti-psychotic injection.
293
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:14,080
The bus isn't fun
at the best of times,
294
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,960
never mind when
you're adamantly convinced
295
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,440
you're trapped in an oven
at the other side of the universe.
296
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,720
FLAMES ROAR AND CRACKLE
It's too hot!
297
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,880
So she took her medicinal needs
into her own hands again...
298
00:14:29,880 --> 00:14:31,280
Tracy!
299
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,280
..and she didn't have to go far.
300
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,440
Give us a borrow till next Tuesday,
will you?
301
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:36,680
Yeah.
302
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:39,760
It's safe to say she got herself
in a bit of a pickle from there.
303
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,640
She got sent down for six months
304
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:44,920
and lost her council flat
in the process.
305
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:50,080
Lin, can I level with you?
306
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:53,360
Over 5,000 people are homeless
in Greater Manchester.
307
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:56,760
Over 80,000 are still waiting
for social housing.
308
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,360
We're living
in a Boom and Crisis paradox
309
00:14:59,360 --> 00:15:01,200
and you're a known arsonist, Lin.
310
00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:03,840
In all honesty, it's not likely
you'll ever get a flat
311
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:05,480
completely to yourself again.
312
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,320
So what are her options?
313
00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:10,360
As I said, at this stage...
314
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,520
..family or hostel.
315
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:14,600
Right.
316
00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:20,480
I can't stand Bob.
317
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,280
Condescending twat.
318
00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:27,560
"You've got yourself
in this situation, Lin.
319
00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,520
"We couldn't let you live
on your own, Lin."
320
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,080
Yeah.
321
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:33,560
He is a twat and all.
322
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,400
"You're not really God, you know.
323
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,480
"It's important
you recognise that, Alan."
324
00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:43,840
One of my biggest mistakes, him.
325
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,280
Mm, prick.
326
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,360
I can't stay here, Alma.
327
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:50,640
Please!
328
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:53,840
Please, get me out
of this guinea pig farm.
329
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:57,760
The smells, they all blob together
and make me feel ill and the...
330
00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,480
Urgh, that prick's here again!
331
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:02,800
I'm off.
332
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,080
Hiya, Jesus.
333
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,440
Peace be with you.
334
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,080
Never have a son.
335
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,000
Five, six, seven...
336
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:21,000
OK, ladies. It's sexy-sassy time!
337
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,960
Oh, lovely arms, Leanne.
338
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:25,920
Alma, we'll have no angry crab
this week, please.
339
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,840
She's always picking on me, Cheryl.
340
00:16:27,840 --> 00:16:29,640
Wiggle them hips, love.
341
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,360
She knows.
342
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:33,400
That's it. Round in a circle.
343
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,440
You know what a circle is,
don't you, Alma?
344
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,320
Alma, you can't have your mam
live with you.
345
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,160
That's an absolute terrible idea.
346
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,800
Alma, you're flailing.
347
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:43,640
Well, I've run out of options.
348
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,520
You should've seen the hostel!
349
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,800
Come on, sexy as me.
Come on. Give it some.
350
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,800
Oh, Alma. It's like teaching
a fridge how to dance.
351
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,760
Will you stop heckling me, Cheryl?!
352
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,360
It's very demoralising!
353
00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,320
You know, I'm doing
my best sassy run forward
354
00:16:57,320 --> 00:17:00,480
and you keep shouting, "Oh,
you're a crab! Oh, you're a fridge!"
355
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,520
Well, you're not so good yourself
since your hysterectomy.
356
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,360
MUSIC: Starlight
by Raya Max
357
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:28,680
Hello?
358
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,440
OK, not doing hellos.
359
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,840
This is a bit fancy, in't it?
360
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,440
What do you do, then?
361
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,640
Property developer.
362
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,320
I built this place,
363
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,840
and those two over there.
364
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:47,680
It's going to be gorgeous
when I'm done.
365
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,600
It'll be just like London.
366
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,280
Just need to get rid of that cluster
of druggies and the homeless.
367
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,680
Right.
368
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,160
So I'd like you to be quite
assertive with me, please.
369
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,920
I've been quite naughty today.
370
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,880
Right, OK.
371
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,160
Right, OK, so...
372
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,120
..so you've been quite naughty,
have you?
373
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,400
Very naughty.
374
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:06,800
You've been very naughty?
375
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:10,520
Right, so we might need to
spank you, mightn't we?
376
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,480
Yes, I, er...
377
00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,080
..think we might.
378
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:17,400
Wow. We'd better whip your trousers
off then, hadn't we, you naughty...?
379
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,600
Little boy. Little boy.
380
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,400
Very naughty little boy.
381
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:24,560
I have been naughty,
haven't I, Mummy?
382
00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:25,760
"M-Mummy"?
383
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:28,280
Yes, you've been a very naughty boy.
384
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,800
And Mummy's very angry
with naughty boy.
385
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:38,000
Very naughty boy. Mummy is very
angry with naughty boy!
386
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,160
Mummy!
387
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,440
Very naughty indeed.
388
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,040
INCREASINGLY ANGRY: Building all
the fancy flats...
389
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,560
..for the millionaires!
390
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:50,640
No social housing
for any other fucker!
391
00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,400
Naughty boy!
Naughty, naughty boy!
392
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,920
TEARFULLY: I'm sorry.
393
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,400
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
394
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:04,040
Here you go, mate.
395
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,040
I've just spanked an adult man
for that money. Enjoy.
396
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:13,480
MUSIC: Anything I Do
By CLiQ
397
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:26,200
KNOCK AT DOOR
398
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,520
I'm not coming to the door, Edna.
399
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:33,400
The music is at medium level and I'm
being very light-footed on my feet.
400
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:34,960
I'm like a feather up here.
401
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,360
It's me, Anthony. Come to the door.
402
00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:38,800
KNOCKS AGAIN
403
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:41,720
TURNS MUSIC OFF
404
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:43,760
Come on, Alma.
405
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:46,240
Shit.
406
00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:51,120
Er, just... Just a second.
407
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:52,160
Fucking hell.
408
00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,040
Hello, can I help you?
409
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,680
Bloody hell, what is that?
410
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:03,760
What?
411
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,400
What? That on your fucking...
on your lip.
412
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,640
Oh, God.
413
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,040
Oh, God, I was supposed to
take this off ages ago.
414
00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:11,400
Oh, God.
415
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:16,160
Ah! Fucking hell! Oh! Oh!
416
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:19,080
It burns! Jesus Christ.
It really burns.
417
00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:23,840
Oh... Oh, my God. Thank God.
418
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,240
Oh, thank God for that.
419
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:27,880
What's all this, then?
420
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,960
It's my to-do list.
421
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:38,800
"Start tap-dancing,"
and "Become a global mega-star."
422
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:41,640
Big to-do list, innit?
423
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:43,320
Yes, it is.
424
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,200
Listen, I know why you're here.
425
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,040
If you think
you can come crawling back...
426
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,200
Fuck off, right?
Cos I'm not here for that.
427
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:52,600
Good.
428
00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:53,720
It's Rachel.
429
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:54,800
She doing my head in.
430
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,360
Can't arsed be with her.
431
00:20:59,840 --> 00:21:02,320
Who's this Phil bloke
you've been showing off about, then?
432
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:03,880
None of your business.
433
00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:07,760
Oh. He's dumped you already, has he?
No.
434
00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:11,320
No, I'm just, you know,
I'm keeping my options open.
435
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,120
Playing the field.
436
00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:15,400
I'm single and I'm ready to mingle.
437
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,760
Oh, single and ready to mingle?
438
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:21,600
I wouldn't be using
that phrase again. It's not 1995.
439
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,280
What are you doing here anyway?
440
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:26,960
Right, well,
how would you like to go
441
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:30,160
and grab a cheeky little
ye olde pasty, hey, with...?
442
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:31,640
KNOCK AT DOOR Ooh.
443
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:38,000
Did you just chuck
these dirty knickers
444
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,160
in a pizza box into my garden?
445
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,000
No, I did not, Edna.
446
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,720
And, to be quite honest,
I'm insulted by the accusation.
447
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,560
Well, it came from your window.
448
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:47,640
Goodbye, Edna.
449
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:51,560
She's still alive, then.
450
00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:54,320
Yeah.
451
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:55,600
RAPID KNOCKING
452
00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,000
BOTH: Piss off, Edna!
453
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,480
Hey, you're looking good.
454
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,800
You know, a bit like Bagpuss,
but, you know, looking good.
455
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:13,440
I think it's my nose. Hm?
456
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:15,480
Why I always look good.
457
00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:19,520
I've got a very beautiful
and disarming nose.
458
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:20,760
You what?
459
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:24,640
Well, it goes up at the end here,
right, which is silly really.
460
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:28,000
But the silliness relaxes
and entertains people,
461
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:29,880
whilst also being very striking.
462
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:31,120
Bloody hell!
463
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,320
You've got a lot of opinions
on your nose, haven't you?
464
00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:36,560
Like a bloody QVC
demonstration, that.
465
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:37,600
What about my nose?
466
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:43,840
It's all right, but it wouldn't
sell on QVC. That's bollocks.
467
00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:46,040
That, right, would sell way
better than your nose.
468
00:22:46,040 --> 00:22:49,560
Don't think so. Hey. Look.
Look. Look at that.
469
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:51,800
Handsome bastard. As if! Feel it.
470
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:56,000
Unbelievable that.
Not that incredible.
471
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,600
Oh, flat's looking good.
472
00:23:00,600 --> 00:23:02,160
Mm-hm. Thank you. Yeah.
473
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,160
Yeah. Bit mad. You know,
like living in a disco ball.
474
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,400
But it's...it's very,
very you, in't it?
475
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:09,720
Yeah, it is very me.
476
00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:14,040
Having said that, it might not
be for much longer.
477
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:15,800
My mum's section's been lifted.
478
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:20,640
She's nowhere to go,
so she might be moving in with me.
479
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:23,600
Alma, no.
480
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:25,680
Fuck that. Why?
481
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:27,960
You can't do that.
It'll fuck your life up.
482
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,880
Yeah, I know what you mean.
You'll end up a full-time carer.
483
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:34,080
Yeah, but... Right, and she's going
to have all her dodgy mates round
484
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,160
all the time,
like that woman who nicks spoons.
485
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:38,080
She'll be round,
robbing the cutlery drawer.
486
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:40,200
And the alcoholic
who pretends to be a priest,
487
00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:42,520
he'll be round to ear-fuck
the shit out of you.
488
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:43,800
You're too soft.
489
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,440
You were too soft wi' me
but at least my mates only did coke.
490
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:48,920
No offence, right,
491
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:52,120
but your mum, she needs to be
with someone who takes no shit.
492
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,800
What about your grandma?
She's a dragon of a woman.
493
00:23:57,360 --> 00:23:59,120
Might be an option. Mm.
494
00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,600
Absolutely no way.
495
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:05,360
Well, I think you'd benefit
from the company.
496
00:24:05,360 --> 00:24:06,680
You said you wanted a pet.
497
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,680
I want a Cocker Spaniel, Alma.
498
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:12,840
Why can't she just get another flat?
499
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:14,080
It's not that easy any more.
500
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:16,680
Anyway, they won't let her live
on her own without supervision.
501
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,760
Well, that's what
the district nurses are for.
502
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:20,320
That's been cut. Oh, I see.
503
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:25,760
So...the Government have given up,
so she's back to being my problem?
504
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,840
Well, she's not a problem
any more, is she?
505
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:29,360
She's really straightened out.
506
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,920
She's even got her bennies sorted,
so she won't nick your fags.
507
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,600
Oh, great. So I pay my taxes
so your mum and Jim can laze about.
508
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:39,200
Jim's not lazing about, is he?
He's got eight personalities.
509
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,880
He's knackered. Well,
then why don't you take her, Alma,
510
00:24:41,880 --> 00:24:43,760
if she's such a fucking
ray of sunshine?
511
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:45,960
You said recently
that you were bored
512
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,440
and you wanted something to do.
513
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:52,240
I meant something like...jewellery
making or learning to canoe.
514
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:55,720
Canoe? Not taking in a toothless,
drug-addicted arsonist.
515
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:59,240
Well...what else can we do, Grandma?
516
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:01,960
There's absolutely no options.
It's me or you.
517
00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:05,360
I know that's shit and I am sorry,
518
00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:07,960
but I do genuinely think
that my mum is doing great
519
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:10,280
and she deserves a second chance.
520
00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:14,960
I'm sorry to ask,
but you know my flat is tiny.
521
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:16,560
My house in't much bigger.
522
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:18,200
It's all right here, in't it?
523
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:22,240
Big enough for you two.
She's only small, Mum.
524
00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:23,680
Yeah, so was Napoleon.
525
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:35,480
Oh, I see the whole
motley crew are here.
526
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:36,920
Delightful.
527
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,240
Piss off, Sandra. Hello.
528
00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:43,560
What are they? Oh, no.
You can't bring them in.
529
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,360
Look, me paintings
are non-negotiable, Mum.
530
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:53,800
Hello.
531
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:55,000
What's he doing here?
532
00:25:55,000 --> 00:25:57,680
Well, I forgot to say.
I told him he could come too.
533
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,640
What are you talking about? No.
That wasn't part of the plan.
534
00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:04,640
He hates his hostel and he likes
the idea of being at yours
535
00:26:04,640 --> 00:26:06,040
with his own kettle.
536
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:08,960
Brought me own.
537
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:12,440
Mum, you should've asked.
You won't even know he's here.
538
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:15,120
You hardly speak, do you, Jim?
539
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:16,480
Not really, no.
540
00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:20,200
OK.
541
00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:23,120
Fine.
542
00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:25,640
But let's just get a few things
straight before you come in.
543
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,360
Right? I'm telling you now,
544
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:30,520
I won't be taking any of
the usual shit off anyone.
545
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,520
You fuck up, Lin, and you're out.
546
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:35,040
Right? I will not be
harassed by police,
547
00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:39,520
I will not be interrogated
and analysed by social workers
548
00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:42,880
and I will not be held responsible
for your actions.
549
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,000
Understood? Fine.
550
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,320
And I want me own space.
551
00:26:47,320 --> 00:26:50,960
I don't want to have to look at
your scaley-dragon-face before noon,
552
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:52,400
is that OK?
553
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,120
I just want me kettle.
554
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:01,040
Right. Come in.
555
00:27:01,090 --> 00:27:05,640
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40598
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof