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MUSIC: Ain't Nothing Going On
But The Rent by Gwen Guthrie
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Cos ain't nothin' goin' on
but the rent
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00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:16,600
You got to have a J-O-B
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00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:19,200
If you wanna be with me
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00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:22,240
Ain't nothin' goin' on
but the rent.
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You're so naughty!
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00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:31,560
Hello! I... I don't know
why they did that!
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Dennis, you know if I was there,
it would have been different!
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SHE CHUCKLES Gorgeous.
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She'll be with you by 8pm.
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All right, darling.
All right, bye-bye.
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00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:45,120
Hello. Take a seat.
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00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:46,600
Fabulous.
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Oh, it's a fabulous place,
this, in't it?
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So. Alma, is it?
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00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:55,480
Yes.
Yeah, we'll need to change that.
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00:00:55,480 --> 00:01:00,120
You need something that says
"girl next door" or "exotic beauty".
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00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:02,000
Not "I'm odd".
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00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,240
Hmm.
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Well, actually, Alma means soulful
in Latin and I've always...
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Ruby. That works.
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00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:12,320
Right, OK, I don't know, can I not
try something a bit more exotic?
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00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:14,240
No. No? All right.
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So, I know we spoke on the phone,
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but I want to be very clear
with you.
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There's a myth that it's escorting
lonely gentlemen out to dinner.
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It's not.
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It is sex.
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Yes. But the money's great.
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I mean, I used to be an escort,
and look at me now, babes.
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Run three businesses, own two homes.
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Mm! Yeah.
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And I made a fuckload
off bitcoin, so...
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Fabulous.
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00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,440
I know.
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00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,120
So what do escorts wear, then?
Do you know, I don't know.
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00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:55,040
I suppose I need something that says
I'm classy, sophisticated...
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00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:57,920
And I'll shag you for money.
Exactly.
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00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:01,120
What did Billie Piper wear
in Secret Diary Of A Call Girl?
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00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,840
A suit, I think.
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00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,640
She wears a suit to go have sex?
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00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:07,640
That looks good.
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00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:09,360
Are you sure you want to do this?
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Yes, I am.
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00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:13,480
Do you know, at first
it was just about the money
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00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,920
and then the more I thought
about it, I realised I'm actually
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up for all of it.
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I've not had a shag since Anthony.
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Just go on Tinder,
like a normal person.
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00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,400
God, Tinder, round here? No, ta.
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00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,640
Do you know, I've only
ever slept with local fuckwits?
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00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:28,800
I want to see the world, Leanne.
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00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:32,360
I want to see what other cocks
the world has got to offer.
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00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:36,240
As far as romance goes, I've not had
the most desirable back catalogue.
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00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:44,080
Me and Anthony spent most
of our time fighting, shouting
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00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:45,880
and shagging for
the first few years.
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It was strangely thrilling.
Then it just stopped.
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He started requesting sexual favours
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as casually as asking for a brew.
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00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:55,840
Can I bum you tonight?
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You'll have to be quick -
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Strictly's on.
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00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:07,040
All right, well, come on,
put the biscuits down,
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00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:09,520
get your knickers off,
let's be having you.
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00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,480
That's not bad at all, that.
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00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,000
What a charmer, eh?
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00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,200
Listen, this is a fresh start
for me, and I'm up for it.
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00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:24,960
I'm going to have a fuckload
of money
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00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:27,520
and lots of new, exciting
sexual adventures.
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Without the heartbreak.
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00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,880
Becoming a prostitute
is the world's worst rebound, Alma.
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00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,720
Oh, God, do I look OK? I feel odd.
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00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,480
God, I think I'm sweating.
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00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,840
Do I look clammy to you?
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00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:43,760
There's a fine line, in't there,
between glow and clam?
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00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:45,400
I just need to relax.
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00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:47,280
I feel like a fish.
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00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:51,120
Listen, love. I've driven loads of
girls on their first job.
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It's going to be fine. Trust.
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00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:55,800
Yeah, yeah, you're right,
aren't you? Yeah.
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I'm just a sexy, fabulous
woman of the world
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making some money, some moolah.
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00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:04,520
You are a goddess.
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00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,120
You are a sensual
woman of the world.
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00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:10,520
Ready.
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00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,480
When you go in, just walk
with purpose and confidence
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00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,480
past the ushers and the reception.
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Don't hesitate.
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00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,400
Purpose, confidence.
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00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:21,040
Purpose and confidence.
Purpose and confidence.
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00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:22,760
Purpose and confidence.
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00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:25,600
Sexy bitch. Sexy bit...
I don't feel like a sexy bitch.
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Shit.
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00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:30,480
I feel like a fish.
Oh, God, fuck. Sexy fish. Fuck.
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00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:31,960
OK. Fuck.
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00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:35,720
Come on, be a sexy fish! OK.
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00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,760
All right, then.
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00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:39,440
Can I help you?
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00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:42,360
Er... Are you a guest?
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00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:44,960
No, I just need a wee.
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00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,200
Library, just across the road.
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00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,080
OK. Ta.
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00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,200
The fuck is she doing?!
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00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,240
CHILDREN GIGGLE
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00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:09,160
Well, you're just going to have
to get yourself a normal job,
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00:05:09,160 --> 00:05:10,840
then, aren't you? Ooh.
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00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:15,520
No, I don't think I'm meant
for normal working life, me, Leanne.
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00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:18,960
I feel like I've been born
in the wrong social bracket.
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I should have been a baroness
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or a Kardashian.
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What about that job in SubNGo?
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I'm unemployable, Leanne.
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Yeah, that's true.
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I love you, Alma, but even I
wouldn't employ you. Hm.
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Bill, would you employ Alma?
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No, I bloody wouldn't.
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00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:41,480
I wouldn't employ you either
if I had the choice again.
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00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,400
Oi, that's very hurtful.
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I bring a lot to the table.
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00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:47,240
That's a point, though.
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00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:49,840
You don't have to tell the truth
when you're applying for a job.
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00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:52,400
Do you not?
I told Bill that I had a degree
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00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,760
in hospitality management.
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Yeah, I were 'oodwinked.
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00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,040
By the time he'd found out
my entire CV was a lie,
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00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:01,640
I'd already won him over
with my magnetic personality.
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00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:06,000
Mm! Ooh, I could pretend to be
your employer reference.
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00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,640
I had my cousin's boyfriend's dad
pretend to be mine.
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00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,880
I were on t'phone with him
for half an hour.
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00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,680
Cheeky bastard.
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00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:17,200
It wasn't just about the money,
though.
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00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,200
I wanted the sex and adventure.
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00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:22,200
You know, I could see myself
whizzing through the city
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00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,760
of Manchester with money.
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00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,440
Sex And The City style, you know?
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00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:30,040
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Sexy. You know?
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00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,400
What you doing? Hang on a sec.
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00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,000
No! Hang on!
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00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,520
What you up...? No, give it
back now. Wait, wait! Oi!
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00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,080
There you go.
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00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:40,680
You've got a Tinder profile now.
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00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:42,200
Oh, for fuck's sake.
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00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,840
That is all the sex and adventure
you need.
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00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:47,360
Is it?
Yeah, it's wild out there.
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Trust me.
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00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:52,320
I got sent this...before breakfast.
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00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:54,760
Oh, God.
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00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,320
What IS that?
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00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:58,960
We're not sure, are we, Bill?
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00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:02,240
I don't want to talk
about that...picture again, Leanne.
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00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:04,000
He's too soft for it.
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00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,280
You've got to be brave to weather
the sexual storm of Tinder.
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00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,040
Tinned what? Tinder.
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00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:12,080
Online dating.
Online dating?
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00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,600
You don't need to do that shite.
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00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,760
You just need to find someone
who digs your bag of weird.
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00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,400
JIM INHALES FORCEFULLY
Don't you, Jim?
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00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,840
Oh... He's not who I thought
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00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:24,240
I'd end up with.
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00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:27,840
I thought I'd be with someone
like Sid Vicious, me.
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00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:31,200
He smokes too much for a start,
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00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,560
and then his lack
of self-esteem affects his posture.
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00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:37,760
It does, yeah. But we're happy
as clams,
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aren't we, Jim? As clams, yeah, Lin.
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00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:41,840
So tell me more about this Tinny.
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00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,600
Well, you can request a dick pic.
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00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:45,960
Apparently it's a dead normal
thing to ask.
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00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,160
Really?
Yeah.
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00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:49,560
What, like a...
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00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:51,320
..try before you buy?
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00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:52,680
Yeah.
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00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,120
Oh, fabulous.
I know. Ah.
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00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,520
Women have had to endure
disappointing penises
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00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,400
for far too long.
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00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:04,000
No woman gets an orgasm
from shining the kitchen floor.
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00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,720
Grandma likes to speak in feminist
sound bites.
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00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,120
Started with her divorce
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00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:11,480
and got more intense as she
discovered '90s feminism.
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00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:15,160
She'd drive topless on hot days
and beep her horn at men because...
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00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,480
If men can do it, why can't we?
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00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,160
She had the Kama Sutra on VHS
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00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:22,760
and she'd show it to anybody
who'd pop round.
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00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,800
She used to work as an Ann Summers
party host too,
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00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:28,400
so the garage was always full
of sex toys.
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00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,960
I once opened up a box
of key ring cocks,
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00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,120
gave them out to all my friends
at school
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00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:36,200
cos I thought they were
Beaker from the Muppets.
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00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:39,000
Life's too short
to stuff a mushroom.
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00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,560
THEY CHUCKLE
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00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:43,200
Oh, come on, stop...
stop ganging up on me, you two.
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00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,560
I won't come again. Right...
We're just teasing.
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00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:47,840
Yeah, well, it's a bit early
for that, don't you think?
193
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:51,160
All right, Mum, don't bring us
all down on our second meeting
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00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:53,280
in nearly a decade.
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00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:54,960
OK, everyone just...
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00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,080
Just a laugh.
197
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,040
It can get nasty with us
pretty quick.
198
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,560
The best thing to do is find
something we all mutually hate
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00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:06,000
more than each other.
200
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,920
Too many people with beards in 'ere.
201
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:12,160
Ugh. I agree.
202
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,440
Thank fuck for that.
203
00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:16,000
People with beards shouldn't be
allowed to eat in public.
204
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,160
Oh, can we go outside?
205
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:20,800
IโI prefer the outdoors.
206
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,160
It's the Nicaraguan shepherd in me.
207
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:24,600
You what?
208
00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,120
She did Ancestry.com last year.
209
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:30,600
You can trace us all the way back
to the mountains of Nicaragua.
210
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,200
And I tell you what, I think
that is a lot of our trouble.
211
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,120
We're not meant to be here.
We're meant to be in the mountains
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00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:37,880
playing the marimba.
213
00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,840
Maybe I should take you
back to t'hospital with me!
214
00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:45,200
SNEEZES
215
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,520
Jim...
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00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,200
"Why do you want to work
at SubNGo?"
217
00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:58,680
Um... DOOR OPENS
218
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,320
WHISTLING
219
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:03,120
Oh... Do you know, I'm really
regretting this key.
220
00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:05,440
Stop everything you're doing,
I need all your focus
221
00:10:05,440 --> 00:10:08,480
on my Tinder profile. God,
YOU don't waste any time, do you?
222
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:11,160
I've not been off the thing.
I've got dicks coming out my ears.
223
00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:13,400
I ended up in a salsa club
last night
224
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,560
and nearly had another
partial prolapse. OK.
225
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:17,040
Ooh.
226
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,440
Do you know, I've not even
had one swipe right yet.
227
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:20,880
PHONE BEEPS
228
00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,840
Another one! Hee-hee!
229
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,600
Oh, no - dog lover.
230
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,400
What's wrong with a dog lover?
231
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:29,040
I don't want to make love to a man
232
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,240
who is emotionally involved
with an animal.
233
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:34,880
OK. So will you read these interview
questions with me?
234
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,480
Yeah, OK. What is it?
235
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,800
I'm applying for a job at SubNGo.
236
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,760
Good. About time.
237
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,400
All right, go on, then.
238
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,360
Why do you want to work at SubNGo?
239
00:10:45,360 --> 00:10:47,120
Because I like sandwiches.
240
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:49,800
No.
241
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:53,280
Yeah, cos, cos, cos I LOVE
sandwiches. Yeah, yeah, and...?
242
00:10:53,280 --> 00:10:56,520
Because SubNGo is a sandwich shop
with a dream.
243
00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:57,640
Yeah, yeah.
244
00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,320
Because I'm not afraid to make
a butty that's a bit out there.
245
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,520
Been making sandwiches
for yourself for years!
246
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:03,880
I've made sandwiches before.
247
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,200
I'll make them again.
Why not do it professionally?
248
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:07,600
You're passionate about bread.
249
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,840
I LOVE it. How much?
I REALLY love it.
250
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:11,200
Don't believe you. I LOVE IT!
251
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,040
I want to fuck a sandwich!
252
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,880
Come on! Show me that sandwich!
253
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:16,720
Sandwich! Sandwich! Sandwich!
254
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:18,440
I AM a sandwich!
255
00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:20,080
Sandwich! Ooh-ooh-ooh!
256
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,160
I've always loved sandwiches. Yeah.
257
00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,880
And I can see myself as somebody...
Yeah!
258
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:27,320
..who can make sandwiches here.
259
00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,800
And where do you see
your career going?
260
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:32,840
Well!
261
00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,520
I see myself as quite
a Julie Walters, actually -
262
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,760
you know, start off on stage.
Before I know it, I'm in film.
263
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:40,480
National treasure by 50.
264
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,440
I mean, as a sandwich artist.
265
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,040
Oh, God, of course. Yeah, sorry.
266
00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:46,840
Um, well, I see myself doing what
you're doing.
267
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,720
Get one of those
funky little numbers.
268
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:51,480
"Supervisor", you know?
269
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,320
I could do that.
270
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:54,680
Here at SubNGo,
271
00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:58,320
we're a global family and every
person brings something unique.
272
00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,240
What do you think YOU bring
to the SubNGo family?
273
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:03,800
Um, well,
274
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,840
I'm a Libran, ascending to Scorpio.
275
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,320
So quite unique.
276
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,720
I've got the tranquil charm
277
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:11,840
of a Libran, but the drive
278
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,440
of a Scorpion unafraid to blaze
her own trail.
279
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:18,560
So... I mean, when I say,
a trail that blazes, you know,
280
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:21,880
within the rules of a corporate
structure, I'm not going to...
281
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,800
I trailblaze, but very quietly,
you know,
282
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:26,560
if-if-if you know what I mean.
283
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:29,520
We're not corporate.
We're a family here.
284
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:32,160
OK, right.
285
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:38,200
OK.
286
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,480
Let's start with a couple
of trial shifts.
287
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,320
You're joking! Mm-hm.
288
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:45,720
Fuck off!
289
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,840
Not in that way,
but that is amazing!
290
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,360
Thank you so much,
this is fabulous! Whoo!
291
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,240
I'll tell you what, you won't regret
it because you're getting the best
292
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,760
of an air and a water sign with me.
293
00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:56,520
Best of both, like the bread.
294
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,200
Ooh - sandwiches!
295
00:12:58,200 --> 00:12:59,640
Welcome to the family.
296
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,720
We don't call them barms, Mary,
we call them baps.
297
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,440
Is THIS all right?
298
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,160
"Hi, Gaz..." Oof - Gaz?!
299
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,160
You're not going to shag a Gaz,
are you?
300
00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,840
Mustard? Yeah, please.
"Hi, Gaz.
301
00:13:13,840 --> 00:13:16,080
"Cool snake..."
302
00:13:16,080 --> 00:13:18,080
He's got a pet snake, you see.
303
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,920
Is snaky Gaz really
the man for you?
304
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,400
I can't lose him, Leanne,
he's my only match.
305
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,520
All right. Well, how about this?
306
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,040
"Hi, Gaz. Cool snake..."
307
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:30,760
And then summat a bit sexy.
308
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,120
Gherkin? Yeah.
309
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:33,440
A bit sexy?
310
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:34,560
Yeah.
311
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,000
Should it be snake-related?
312
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,840
Definitely. See?
313
00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:40,560
OK.
314
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:44,200
Got it. "Hi, Gaz, cool snake.
315
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:45,800
"Looks very big."
316
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,040
Yeah?
317
00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,960
"Can't wait to see it in person."
318
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:52,120
Aubergine emoji, snake emoji
319
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,800
hand-covering-face emoji.
320
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,840
Yeah, something like that.
Here you are, love.
321
00:13:55,840 --> 00:13:58,160
PHONE BEEPS I've sent it. What?
322
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:01,680
We were in the spitballing phase,
Alma,
323
00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:03,680
we were not in the sending phase.
324
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,400
That was all right, though,
wasn't it? That was... Mm!
325
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:08,360
Not good? Not OK?
326
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,320
Well, how do you delete
messages on Tinder?
327
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:13,960
You can't.
328
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,920
Well, that's ridiculous, in't it?
I mean that's, that's stupid.
329
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:18,960
I mean, somebody should do something
about that.
330
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,760
They should start a petition
or something.
331
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:23,480
Right, give it here,
let me sort it out. Oh, my God!
332
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,480
What are you doing?
Hang on. Hang on.
333
00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:29,720
Careful because me and you
are very different. Hang on!
334
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:30,920
Honestly, Mary,
335
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:33,880
she's got a sexual magnetism
that permeates through Tinder.
336
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:35,480
It's wild.
337
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,480
God. Ugh, guitar, gross. Huge nose.
338
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,320
Ugh, pouting.
339
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:42,360
All right. He's all right, yep.
340
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:43,840
All right. Right.
341
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,440
There...you...go.
342
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,600
I got you a date for tonight.
343
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,640
Oh, my God. And two pending.
344
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:52,680
Oh, my God!
345
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:54,240
God, you're a machine.
346
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:58,840
Do you know, it's fantastic,
in't it? I've got a job,
347
00:14:58,840 --> 00:15:01,240
I'm dating.
I'm a normal human being.
348
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:02,760
Whoo! Whoo!
349
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:03,920
Oh!
350
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,480
Sorry, Mary.
351
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,440
But my real passion...
352
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,080
..is taxidermy.
353
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:16,440
What's that, then?
The art of preparing,
354
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,600
stuffing and mounting
355
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:22,800
the skins of dead animals
with lifelike effect. Right.
356
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:24,440
That sounds...well,
357
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,760
fucking horrible,
to be honest, John.
358
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,760
It's preserving animals.
359
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:30,000
It's an artform.
360
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,160
OK.
361
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:35,640
So your profile picture -
when's that actually from?
362
00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:39,160
Cos you look quite different now.
Do I?
363
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:41,600
Yeah, I mean, you had hair,
364
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,360
and you were less...here.
365
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,400
So, how long have you been
on Tinder, then?
366
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,680
Not long.
367
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:56,120
But I have to be honest,
I'm going on a lot of dates.
368
00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:59,680
So don't be getting jealous.
369
00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,840
Oh, I won't.
I'm really enjoying it, actually.
370
00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:08,120
I went on a lovely salsa date
with a very sensual woman
371
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:10,800
called Joan the other day. Joan?
372
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,160
Head-to-toe in animal print,
she was,
373
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:16,000
which, of course,
as a taxidermy enthusiast,
374
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,080
that's a big turn-on for me.
375
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:21,680
Oh, my God. I think you went
on a date with my grandma.
376
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,600
Really?! Wow.
377
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,560
How fun!
378
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:28,400
Do you fancy pudding?
379
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,160
No.
380
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:49,320
Oh, you look fantastic.
381
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:51,240
One of the family.
382
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,240
The thing is, I'm not sure
383
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:57,120
about the sort of masochistic
sandwich on the front here.
384
00:16:57,120 --> 00:16:59,000
It doesn't feel very me.
385
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:02,000
You know? What, Sergio?
386
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:04,600
Everybody starts out wearing
this little lad.
387
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:06,440
It's where I started out.
388
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,680
Look at me now.
389
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:11,880
Yeah, well, I think I'm all right
with the T-shirt.
390
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,480
But it's the hat.
391
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:20,920
You see, I suffer from very bad
hat hair.
392
00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:24,880
It's severe. And if I put this on,
even just for a second,
393
00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:26,520
to be quite frank with you, Gregg,
394
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:30,240
I'll be ruined. Sandwich artistes
must wear hats.
395
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:32,400
Brand values.
396
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:33,960
Any wiggle room?
397
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:45,280
Tell me when you're getting bored
and I'll leave
398
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:48,960
I'm not the one who
put the chain around your feet
399
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,680
I'm sorry for all of my
insecurities
400
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,800
But it's just a part of me...
401
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:55,280
You've missed a bit.
402
00:17:56,440 --> 00:18:00,000
Envy is thin because it bites
but never eats
403
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,800
That's what a nice old Spanish
lady once told me
404
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:08,480
Hey, Debbie Downer, turn that
frown upside down and just be happy
405
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,960
I don't ask too much of you
406
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:18,080
It's true
and I can't read your mind...
407
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,080
What the hell are you doing?!
408
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:24,360
I'm eating my muffin.
You have to ask me!
409
00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,600
I've got a sandwich shop
to run here.
410
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,840
OK. Would you mind,
411
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,280
during this mad rush,
412
00:18:32,280 --> 00:18:34,080
if I took a break, Gregg?
413
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,520
Well, you're not supposed
to just take food.
414
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:38,880
I thought we were allowed one
muffin per day.
415
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:40,080
You have to ask.
416
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:45,000
I'm afraid I'm going to have to put
a sad face on the board, Alma.
417
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:06,280
I don't ask too much of you
418
00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:10,480
I used to wonder what to wear
419
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:16,000
Don't stop listening
I'm not finished yet...
420
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:25,160
Hello! Welcome to SubNGo,
the home of Sergio the Sub.
421
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:27,920
Who, I have to say, in my opinion's
quite creepy.
422
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:30,280
He's actually a sub eating
a baby sub.
423
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:31,920
Bit weird - cannibalism.
424
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,880
But anyway... What can I get you?
425
00:19:33,880 --> 00:19:35,680
You got anything...healthy?
426
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,080
To be honest, no.
I mean, look at Gregg.
427
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,720
He eats two a day.
428
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,400
He's fucked.
429
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,680
The healthiest thing we've probably
got is the salad.
430
00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,000
But to be honest, I wouldn't touch
one of those tomatoes -
431
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,160
it's been there four days.
432
00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,280
And the bread!
I mean, look at this!
433
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,080
It's like cement.
434
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:58,400
You know? We can't even legally call
this bread "bread" any more.
435
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:02,080
Look at that!
436
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:03,480
I wouldn't b...
437
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:15,640
Right, forget internet dating -
that didn't work.
438
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:16,880
No, it did not.
439
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:19,080
We're going to have to do this the
old-fashioned way -
440
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:21,840
get you hammered, find a man you
don't fancy, sleep with him anyway
441
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,760
and see if he grows on you
over time.
442
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:25,120
Right.
443
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:27,520
OK. Got your pick of the litter
in here tonight.
444
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:31,720
A bit of a runt litter, Leanne.
445
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:33,920
Here, some of the best
shags I've had
446
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:36,320
have been with the most
unusual of men.
447
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,080
Take him, for example.
448
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:41,120
Behind that doughy exterior
is a lion of a man.
449
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,400
Trust me.
450
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:48,280
What about him?
451
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:52,160
He's not awful. Great start.
452
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,360
Now, give him a smile. OK.
453
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:02,760
Hello.
454
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,400
Sorry. Oh, God, no.
455
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,960
Uh, you look very familiar. Sorry.
456
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,760
You very much look like my cousin.
457
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:12,080
Sorry. Yeah.
458
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:13,520
Hello. Sorry.
459
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:16,640
What the fuck was that, Alma?
460
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,960
I don't know. I just panicked.
461
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:22,240
And to be honest, he does look a bit
too like my cousin to have sex with.
462
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,520
This is what happens after years
of being in a relationship
463
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,800
with an abusive prick like Anthony.
464
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:29,760
You chip away at your self-esteem
465
00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,160
until you can't even
smile at strangers.
466
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,400
You were never like this
until you met him.
467
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:37,120
Well, no more.
468
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:39,720
It's time to embrace
your fabulousness, Alma.
469
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:40,840
Is it?
470
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,280
I'm not sure it is.
471
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:43,520
It is.
472
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:45,480
I'm hot. Say it with me now.
473
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,080
What, now?
474
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:50,720
OK. I'm hot. I'm hot.
475
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:54,920
I'm sexy. I'm sexy.
476
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,440
And everybody wants to fuck me.
477
00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:00,440
LOUDER: And everybody wants
to fuck me.
478
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:01,680
CHATTER STOPS ABRUPTLY
479
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,280
Oh.
480
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:07,520
CHATTER RESUMES
481
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:11,480
Right, let's get shitfaced
and see what happens.
482
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:19,640
You do look a lot like my cousin.
483
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:23,080
Fuck it.
484
00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,520
God, that's a fabulous lamp.
485
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,520
Oh...
486
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,440
Yeah, yeah...
487
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,840
Oh... Oh...
488
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:54,680
Oh, sorry.
489
00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:56,640
Er, can you carry on?
490
00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:59,000
No, it's just, I don't think I can.
491
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,240
Why?
492
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:04,160
IโI feel guilty.
493
00:23:04,160 --> 00:23:06,000
What?
494
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,600
I've got a girlfriend, you see.
495
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:10,680
What?!
496
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,400
I'm sorry, I just...I couldn't
help myself, could I?
497
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,720
But now I feel really guilty.
498
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:23,120
So, not only a shit shag
499
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:25,440
and a boring pissant,
500
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:28,480
you're actually a shit boyfriend
to someone too.
501
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:30,320
Fucking hell.
502
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:33,920
Oh... Do you know what?
503
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:37,680
I should have been paid for this.
504
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:41,320
Actually, yeah.
No, I'll have my taxi fare.
505
00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:43,200
Yeah, come on.
506
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,560
Yeah, cough up.
507
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:53,000
No, I'll have more than that,
please. Where else you got in there?
508
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:54,360
That'll do.
509
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:57,200
Yeah, lovely.
510
00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:59,080
Thank you...very much.
511
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:03,320
Do you know what?
I'm having the flamingo.
512
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,520
Hey, not the lamp.
513
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:08,400
Oh, fuck, I love that lamp.
514
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,040
Fuck you very much.
515
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:22,000
You're late.
516
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,160
No hat?
517
00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:26,640
I know, I'm sorry,
because I-I overslept.
518
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,800
I was on the back foot,
I ran out, forgot the hat.
519
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:31,200
Dashed. Late. Sorry.
520
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:34,080
Now, you know what I SHOULD do,
don't you?
521
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:37,920
I should finish off
that half face.
522
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,360
Fuck's sake.
That's what I SHOULD do.
523
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:42,440
But I'm going to be kind to you.
524
00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:45,440
It's not kind, is it, Gregg?
525
00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:47,640
Because if you finish that half
face,
526
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,760
that completes the three sad faces,
527
00:24:49,760 --> 00:24:51,720
and then you'll have to let me go,
528
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,280
and you'll have no-one
to work for free
529
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:57,280
on the degrading list of tests
you've set for me
530
00:24:57,280 --> 00:25:01,560
under the condescending title of
"sandwich artist", will you, Gregg?
531
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:05,640
Well, I'm going to do
a quarter face.
532
00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:07,880
Just do the full fucking face,
Gregg.
533
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:09,920
Well, I might! Do it.
534
00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:12,240
Well, I'm going to do the eye.
535
00:25:12,240 --> 00:25:14,240
Let me help you, Gregg.
536
00:25:34,520 --> 00:25:36,600
I think you should leave. Fine.
537
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:40,480
I want my muffin back.
538
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:43,880
It's not YOUR muffin, though,
is it, Gregg?
539
00:25:43,880 --> 00:25:46,920
You didn't finish your shift -
you don't get another muffin.
540
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:57,400
Just one more thing.
If you die tomorrow,
541
00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:59,680
this SubNGo family of yours,
542
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,360
they would replace you
within the week.
543
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,360
And, you know, I know I was a bit...
544
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:12,120
..but I'm feeling very,
very confident now.
545
00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:14,680
I'm up for it
and I just want to get back on.
546
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:16,520
Back on...on...on with everything.
547
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:21,880
So what's the change of heart about?
548
00:26:21,880 --> 00:26:25,160
Well, I got a job at SubNGo
and joined Tinder.
549
00:26:25,160 --> 00:26:26,600
That'll do it.
550
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:27,760
Yeah.
551
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:30,080
Aren't you an actress?
Well, I want to be.
552
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:32,200
Well, that's all this job is.
553
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:35,640
You're playing a role
for a very intimate audience.
554
00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:37,520
Yeah, you're right.
555
00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:41,880
Be the best-paid acting job
I've ever had. Yes, it will.
556
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:45,920
Right, I'm an actress.
557
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:49,880
You ready?
558
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:52,560
Yeah.
559
00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:05,040
On our block all of the guys
call her flamingo
560
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:09,200
Cos her hair glows like the sun
561
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:14,520
And her eyes can light the skies
562
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:22,160
When she walks she moves so fine
Like a flamingo...
563
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,760
Hiya, I'm Ruby.
564
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:42,560
Some sweet day I'll make her mine
565
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:45,960
Pretty flamingo
566
00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:50,000
Then every guy will envy me
567
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,800
Cos paradise is where I'll be
568
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:03,480
Pretty flamingo...
569
00:28:03,530 --> 00:28:08,080
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