Original subtitles

MUSIC: Ain't Nothing Going On But The Rent by Gwen Guthrie

Cos ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent

You got to have a J-O-B

If you wanna be with me

Ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent.

You're so naughty!

Hello! I... I don't know why they did that!

Dennis, you know if I was there, it would have been different!

SHE CHUCKLES Gorgeous.

She'll be with you by 8pm.

All right, darling. All right, bye-bye.

Hello. Take a seat.

Fabulous.

Oh, it's a fabulous place, this, in't it?

So. Alma, is it?

Yes. Yeah, we'll need to change that.

You need something that says "girl next door" or "exotic beauty".

Not "I'm odd".

Hmm.

Well, actually, Alma means soulful in Latin and I've always...

Ruby. That works.

Right, OK, I don't know, can I not try something a bit more exotic?

No. No? All right.

So, I know we spoke on the phone,

but I want to be very clear with you.

There's a myth that it's escorting lonely gentlemen out to dinner.

It's not.

It is sex.

Yes. But the money's great.

I mean, I used to be an escort, and look at me now, babes.

Run three businesses, own two homes.

Mm! Yeah.

And I made a fuckload off bitcoin, so...

Fabulous.

I know.

So what do escorts wear, then? Do you know, I don't know.

I suppose I need something that says I'm classy, sophisticated...

And I'll shag you for money. Exactly.

What did Billie Piper wear in Secret Diary Of A Call Girl?

A suit, I think.

She wears a suit to go have sex?

That looks good.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Yes, I am.

Do you know, at first it was just about the money

and then the more I thought about it, I realised I'm actually

up for all of it.

I've not had a shag since Anthony.

Just go on Tinder, like a normal person.

God, Tinder, round here? No, ta.

Do you know, I've only ever slept with local fuckwits?

I want to see the world, Leanne.

I want to see what other cocks the world has got to offer.

As far as romance goes, I've not had the most desirable back catalogue.

Me and Anthony spent most of our time fighting, shouting

and shagging for the first few years.

It was strangely thrilling. Then it just stopped.

He started requesting sexual favours

as casually as asking for a brew.

Can I bum you tonight?

You'll have to be quick -

Strictly's on.

All right, well, come on, put the biscuits down,

get your knickers off, let's be having you.

That's not bad at all, that.

What a charmer, eh?

Listen, this is a fresh start for me, and I'm up for it.

I'm going to have a fuckload of money

and lots of new, exciting sexual adventures.

Without the heartbreak.

Becoming a prostitute is the world's worst rebound, Alma.

Oh, God, do I look OK? I feel odd.

God, I think I'm sweating.

Do I look clammy to you?

There's a fine line, in't there, between glow and clam?

I just need to relax.

I feel like a fish.

Listen, love. I've driven loads of girls on their first job.

It's going to be fine. Trust.

Yeah, yeah, you're right, aren't you? Yeah.

I'm just a sexy, fabulous woman of the world

making some money, some moolah.

You are a goddess.

You are a sensual woman of the world.

Ready.

When you go in, just walk with purpose and confidence

past the ushers and the reception.

Don't hesitate.

Purpose, confidence.

Purpose and confidence. Purpose and confidence.

Purpose and confidence.

Sexy bitch. Sexy bit... I don't feel like a sexy bitch.

Shit.

I feel like a fish. Oh, God, fuck. Sexy fish. Fuck.

OK. Fuck.

Come on, be a sexy fish! OK.

All right, then.

Can I help you?

Er... Are you a guest?

No, I just need a wee.

Library, just across the road.

OK. Ta.

The fuck is she doing?!

CHILDREN GIGGLE

Well, you're just going to have to get yourself a normal job,

then, aren't you? Ooh.

No, I don't think I'm meant for normal working life, me, Leanne.

I feel like I've been born in the wrong social bracket.

I should have been a baroness

or a Kardashian.

What about that job in SubNGo?

I'm unemployable, Leanne.

Yeah, that's true.

I love you, Alma, but even I wouldn't employ you. Hm.

Bill, would you employ Alma?

No, I bloody wouldn't.

I wouldn't employ you either if I had the choice again.

Oi, that's very hurtful.

I bring a lot to the table.

That's a point, though.

You don't have to tell the truth when you're applying for a job.

Do you not? I told Bill that I had a degree

in hospitality management.

Yeah, I were 'oodwinked.

By the time he'd found out my entire CV was a lie,

I'd already won him over with my magnetic personality.

Mm! Ooh, I could pretend to be your employer reference.

I had my cousin's boyfriend's dad pretend to be mine.

I were on t'phone with him for half an hour.

Cheeky bastard.

It wasn't just about the money, though.

I wanted the sex and adventure.

You know, I could see myself whizzing through the city

of Manchester with money.

Sex And The City style, you know?

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Sexy. You know?

What you doing? Hang on a sec.

No! Hang on!

What you up...? No, give it back now. Wait, wait! Oi!

There you go.

You've got a Tinder profile now.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

That is all the sex and adventure you need.

Is it? Yeah, it's wild out there.

Trust me.

I got sent this...before breakfast.

Oh, God.

What IS that?

We're not sure, are we, Bill?

I don't want to talk about that...picture again, Leanne.

He's too soft for it.

You've got to be brave to weather the sexual storm of Tinder.

Tinned what? Tinder.

Online dating. Online dating?

You don't need to do that shite.

You just need to find someone who digs your bag of weird.

JIM INHALES FORCEFULLY Don't you, Jim?

Oh... He's not who I thought

I'd end up with.

I thought I'd be with someone like Sid Vicious, me.

He smokes too much for a start,

and then his lack of self-esteem affects his posture.

It does, yeah. But we're happy as clams,

aren't we, Jim? As clams, yeah, Lin.

So tell me more about this Tinny.

Well, you can request a dick pic.

Apparently it's a dead normal thing to ask.

Really? Yeah.

What, like a...

..try before you buy?

Yeah.

Oh, fabulous. I know. Ah.

Women have had to endure disappointing penises

for far too long.

No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor.

Grandma likes to speak in feminist sound bites.

Started with her divorce

and got more intense as she discovered '90s feminism.

She'd drive topless on hot days and beep her horn at men because...

If men can do it, why can't we?

She had the Kama Sutra on VHS

and she'd show it to anybody who'd pop round.

She used to work as an Ann Summers party host too,

so the garage was always full of sex toys.

I once opened up a box of key ring cocks,

gave them out to all my friends at school

cos I thought they were Beaker from the Muppets.

Life's too short to stuff a mushroom.

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, come on, stop... stop ganging up on me, you two.

I won't come again. Right... We're just teasing.

Yeah, well, it's a bit early for that, don't you think?

All right, Mum, don't bring us all down on our second meeting

in nearly a decade.

OK, everyone just...

Just a laugh.

It can get nasty with us pretty quick.

The best thing to do is find something we all mutually hate

more than each other.

Too many people with beards in 'ere.

Ugh. I agree.

Thank fuck for that.

People with beards shouldn't be allowed to eat in public.

Oh, can we go outside?

I—I prefer the outdoors.

It's the Nicaraguan shepherd in me.

You what?

She did Ancestry.com last year.

You can trace us all the way back to the mountains of Nicaragua.

And I tell you what, I think that is a lot of our trouble.

We're not meant to be here. We're meant to be in the mountains

playing the marimba.

Maybe I should take you back to t'hospital with me!

SNEEZES

Jim...

"Why do you want to work at SubNGo?"

Um... DOOR OPENS

WHISTLING

Oh... Do you know, I'm really regretting this key.

Stop everything you're doing, I need all your focus

on my Tinder profile. God, YOU don't waste any time, do you?

I've not been off the thing. I've got dicks coming out my ears.

I ended up in a salsa club last night

and nearly had another partial prolapse. OK.

Ooh.

Do you know, I've not even had one swipe right yet.

PHONE BEEPS

Another one! Hee-hee!

Oh, no - dog lover.

What's wrong with a dog lover?

I don't want to make love to a man

who is emotionally involved with an animal.

OK. So will you read these interview questions with me?

Yeah, OK. What is it?

I'm applying for a job at SubNGo.

Good. About time.

All right, go on, then.

Why do you want to work at SubNGo?

Because I like sandwiches.

No.

Yeah, cos, cos, cos I LOVE sandwiches. Yeah, yeah, and...?

Because SubNGo is a sandwich shop with a dream.

Yeah, yeah.

Because I'm not afraid to make a butty that's a bit out there.

Been making sandwiches for yourself for years!

I've made sandwiches before.

I'll make them again. Why not do it professionally?

You're passionate about bread.

I LOVE it. How much? I REALLY love it.

Don't believe you. I LOVE IT!

I want to fuck a sandwich!

Come on! Show me that sandwich!

Sandwich! Sandwich! Sandwich!

I AM a sandwich!

Sandwich! Ooh-ooh-ooh!

I've always loved sandwiches. Yeah.

And I can see myself as somebody... Yeah!

..who can make sandwiches here.

And where do you see your career going?

Well!

I see myself as quite a Julie Walters, actually -

you know, start off on stage. Before I know it, I'm in film.

National treasure by 50.

I mean, as a sandwich artist.

Oh, God, of course. Yeah, sorry.

Um, well, I see myself doing what you're doing.

Get one of those funky little numbers.

"Supervisor", you know?

I could do that.

Here at SubNGo,

we're a global family and every person brings something unique.

What do you think YOU bring to the SubNGo family?

Um, well,

I'm a Libran, ascending to Scorpio.

So quite unique.

I've got the tranquil charm

of a Libran, but the drive

of a Scorpion unafraid to blaze her own trail.

So... I mean, when I say, a trail that blazes, you know,

within the rules of a corporate structure, I'm not going to...

I trailblaze, but very quietly, you know,

if-if-if you know what I mean.

We're not corporate. We're a family here.

OK, right.

OK.

Let's start with a couple of trial shifts.

You're joking! Mm-hm.

Fuck off!

Not in that way, but that is amazing!

Thank you so much, this is fabulous! Whoo!

I'll tell you what, you won't regret it because you're getting the best

of an air and a water sign with me.

Best of both, like the bread.

Ooh - sandwiches!

Welcome to the family.

We don't call them barms, Mary, we call them baps.

Is THIS all right?

"Hi, Gaz..." Oof - Gaz?!

You're not going to shag a Gaz, are you?

Mustard? Yeah, please. "Hi, Gaz.

"Cool snake..."

He's got a pet snake, you see.

Is snaky Gaz really the man for you?

I can't lose him, Leanne, he's my only match.

All right. Well, how about this?

"Hi, Gaz. Cool snake..."

And then summat a bit sexy.

Gherkin? Yeah.

A bit sexy?

Yeah.

Should it be snake-related?

Definitely. See?

OK.

Got it. "Hi, Gaz, cool snake.

"Looks very big."

Yeah?

"Can't wait to see it in person."

Aubergine emoji, snake emoji

hand-covering-face emoji.

Yeah, something like that. Here you are, love.

PHONE BEEPS I've sent it. What?

We were in the spitballing phase, Alma,

we were not in the sending phase.

That was all right, though, wasn't it? That was... Mm!

Not good? Not OK?

Well, how do you delete messages on Tinder?

You can't.

Well, that's ridiculous, in't it? I mean that's, that's stupid.

I mean, somebody should do something about that.

They should start a petition or something.

Right, give it here, let me sort it out. Oh, my God!

What are you doing? Hang on. Hang on.

Careful because me and you are very different. Hang on!

Honestly, Mary,

she's got a sexual magnetism that permeates through Tinder.

It's wild.

God. Ugh, guitar, gross. Huge nose.

Ugh, pouting.

All right. He's all right, yep.

All right. Right.

There...you...go.

I got you a date for tonight.

Oh, my God. And two pending.

Oh, my God!

God, you're a machine.

Do you know, it's fantastic, in't it? I've got a job,

I'm dating. I'm a normal human being.

Whoo! Whoo!

Oh!

Sorry, Mary.

But my real passion...

..is taxidermy.

What's that, then? The art of preparing,

stuffing and mounting

the skins of dead animals with lifelike effect. Right.

That sounds...well,

fucking horrible, to be honest, John.

It's preserving animals.

It's an artform.

OK.

So your profile picture - when's that actually from?

Cos you look quite different now. Do I?

Yeah, I mean, you had hair,

and you were less...here.

So, how long have you been on Tinder, then?

Not long.

But I have to be honest, I'm going on a lot of dates.

So don't be getting jealous.

Oh, I won't. I'm really enjoying it, actually.

I went on a lovely salsa date with a very sensual woman

called Joan the other day. Joan?

Head-to-toe in animal print, she was,

which, of course, as a taxidermy enthusiast,

that's a big turn-on for me.

Oh, my God. I think you went on a date with my grandma.

Really?! Wow.

How fun!

Do you fancy pudding?

No.

Oh, you look fantastic.

One of the family.

The thing is, I'm not sure

about the sort of masochistic sandwich on the front here.

It doesn't feel very me.

You know? What, Sergio?

Everybody starts out wearing this little lad.

It's where I started out.

Look at me now.

Yeah, well, I think I'm all right with the T-shirt.

But it's the hat.

You see, I suffer from very bad hat hair.

It's severe. And if I put this on, even just for a second,

to be quite frank with you, Gregg,

I'll be ruined. Sandwich artistes must wear hats.

Brand values.

Any wiggle room?

Tell me when you're getting bored and I'll leave

I'm not the one who put the chain around your feet

I'm sorry for all of my insecurities

But it's just a part of me...

You've missed a bit.

Envy is thin because it bites but never eats

That's what a nice old Spanish lady once told me

Hey, Debbie Downer, turn that frown upside down and just be happy

I don't ask too much of you

It's true and I can't read your mind...

What the hell are you doing?!

I'm eating my muffin. You have to ask me!

I've got a sandwich shop to run here.

OK. Would you mind,

during this mad rush,

if I took a break, Gregg?

Well, you're not supposed to just take food.

I thought we were allowed one muffin per day.

You have to ask.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to put a sad face on the board, Alma.

I don't ask too much of you

I used to wonder what to wear

Don't stop listening I'm not finished yet...

Hello! Welcome to SubNGo, the home of Sergio the Sub.

Who, I have to say, in my opinion's quite creepy.

He's actually a sub eating a baby sub.

Bit weird - cannibalism.

But anyway... What can I get you?

You got anything...healthy?

To be honest, no. I mean, look at Gregg.

He eats two a day.

He's fucked.

The healthiest thing we've probably got is the salad.

But to be honest, I wouldn't touch one of those tomatoes -

it's been there four days.

And the bread! I mean, look at this!

It's like cement.

You know? We can't even legally call this bread "bread" any more.

Look at that!

I wouldn't b...

Right, forget internet dating - that didn't work.

No, it did not.

We're going to have to do this the old-fashioned way -

get you hammered, find a man you don't fancy, sleep with him anyway

and see if he grows on you over time.

Right.

OK. Got your pick of the litter in here tonight.

A bit of a runt litter, Leanne.

Here, some of the best shags I've had

have been with the most unusual of men.

Take him, for example.

Behind that doughy exterior is a lion of a man.

Trust me.

What about him?

He's not awful. Great start.

Now, give him a smile. OK.

Hello.

Sorry. Oh, God, no.

Uh, you look very familiar. Sorry.

You very much look like my cousin.

Sorry. Yeah.

Hello. Sorry.

What the fuck was that, Alma?

I don't know. I just panicked.

And to be honest, he does look a bit too like my cousin to have sex with.

This is what happens after years of being in a relationship

with an abusive prick like Anthony.

You chip away at your self-esteem

until you can't even smile at strangers.

You were never like this until you met him.

Well, no more.

It's time to embrace your fabulousness, Alma.

Is it?

I'm not sure it is.

It is.

I'm hot. Say it with me now.

What, now?

OK. I'm hot. I'm hot.

I'm sexy. I'm sexy.

And everybody wants to fuck me.

LOUDER: And everybody wants to fuck me.

CHATTER STOPS ABRUPTLY

Oh.

CHATTER RESUMES

Right, let's get shitfaced and see what happens.

You do look a lot like my cousin.

Fuck it.

God, that's a fabulous lamp.

Oh...

Yeah, yeah...

Oh... Oh...

Oh, sorry.

Er, can you carry on?

No, it's just, I don't think I can.

Why?

I—I feel guilty.

What?

I've got a girlfriend, you see.

What?!

I'm sorry, I just...I couldn't help myself, could I?

But now I feel really guilty.

So, not only a shit shag

and a boring pissant,

you're actually a shit boyfriend to someone too.

Fucking hell.

Oh... Do you know what?

I should have been paid for this.

Actually, yeah. No, I'll have my taxi fare.

Yeah, come on.

Yeah, cough up.

No, I'll have more than that, please. Where else you got in there?

That'll do.

Yeah, lovely.

Thank you...very much.

Do you know what? I'm having the flamingo.

Hey, not the lamp.

Oh, fuck, I love that lamp.

Fuck you very much.

You're late.

No hat?

I know, I'm sorry, because I-I overslept.

I was on the back foot, I ran out, forgot the hat.

Dashed. Late. Sorry.

Now, you know what I SHOULD do, don't you?

I should finish off that half face.

Fuck's sake. That's what I SHOULD do.

But I'm going to be kind to you.

It's not kind, is it, Gregg?

Because if you finish that half face,

that completes the three sad faces,

and then you'll have to let me go,

and you'll have no-one to work for free

on the degrading list of tests you've set for me

under the condescending title of "sandwich artist", will you, Gregg?

Well, I'm going to do a quarter face.

Just do the full fucking face, Gregg.

Well, I might! Do it.

Well, I'm going to do the eye.

Let me help you, Gregg.

I think you should leave. Fine.

I want my muffin back.

It's not YOUR muffin, though, is it, Gregg?

You didn't finish your shift - you don't get another muffin.

Just one more thing. If you die tomorrow,

this SubNGo family of yours,

they would replace you within the week.

And, you know, I know I was a bit...

..but I'm feeling very, very confident now.

I'm up for it and I just want to get back on.

Back on...on...on with everything.

So what's the change of heart about?

Well, I got a job at SubNGo and joined Tinder.

That'll do it.

Yeah.

Aren't you an actress? Well, I want to be.

Well, that's all this job is.

You're playing a role for a very intimate audience.

Yeah, you're right.

Be the best-paid acting job I've ever had. Yes, it will.

Right, I'm an actress.

You ready?

Yeah.

On our block all of the guys call her flamingo

Cos her hair glows like the sun

And her eyes can light the skies

When she walks she moves so fine Like a flamingo...

Hiya, I'm Ruby.

Some sweet day I'll make her mine

Pretty flamingo

Then every guy will envy me

Cos paradise is where I'll be

Pretty flamingo...

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