Original subtitles

[sighs]

[peppy rock music playing]

[Stuart] What was it Thoreau said?

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation."

Something like that. I don't know.

What I do know is bourbon,

more than anyone would ever want to know about bourbon.

You're fired.

[Stuart] So when my boss shitcanned me for my lack of passion,

it kind of hit me where it counted.

Honestly, it was a mercy-killing.

-I was sleepwalking through the days. -[door opens and closes]

You know, when I first met you,

you didn't know sour mash from the hole in your ass.

Without the job, I really had nothing.

Well, at least I still had some sample product.

So, I did a little sampling.

Actually, I sampled my ass off.

I sampled for days and days and days.

[cellphone vibrating]

Hello.

-[Frank] Hey, buddy. -Yeah.

Listen, I think you should come with us on our family trip.

Two weeks in France. I have the whole thing planned out.

What do you think?

[Stuart] Uh... I don't think so.

[Frank] Come on, you know how much Rosalind adores you.

Plus, she wouldn't have to be stuck alone with her parents.

[sighs] Stuart, you need to get out of the room.

[Stuart] Good friends, Paris. What did I have to lose?

This is supposed to be one of the best places in town.

Why does everything taste so much better in France?

[Frank] Look, this is what I think we should do.

I just figure we have the cave painting thing that starts at 10:00.

Let's meet no later than 8:30 in the hotel,

so we have breakfast, we have time to get there,

in the afternoon, we have the Rodin Museum--

Dad, let's just be here. Let's just be here and live in the present.

-Right? -Yes. Yes.

[Frank] Exactly... that... that...

I'm just trying to get a plan in place, so we do exactly that.

-Just put that goddamn thing away. -Can I make a toast?

-[Frank] Oh, yeah. -To Rosalind and her PhD.

-Mmm. -And her brilliant thesis

on post-revolutionary ideas of the self,

and the paintings of Delacroix and Boulanger.

Wow. Stu is the one on the table who has read it.

-It was great. -Thank you.

I'm sure it was wonderful. We're here to give Rosie a very good time

because she's very timid.

And we want to give her an adventure much like mine.

Because when I was here 25 years ago--

-Thirty years ago. -Whatever, 25.

I... [laughs] Let's just say I had a lot of fun.

And don't ask me about it, because I can't--

I can't tell you about it.

And, Frank, you really can't ask me about it.

-Not gonna ask you. -Okay.

Can we just run away together and just leave them behind

and live a life of ease, just the two of us?

Hmm.

[Stuart] For the first time in a while, I was drunk with hope.

[metal detector beeping] [speaking French]

Oh, it's my phone.

Empty your pockets.

[metal detector beeping]

-[sighs] Ah. -What?

Would you do me the honor of being my wife?

What? Stuart.

What in the hell?

Just get up. No.

-We should have known. -[Stuart] Rosalind, please.

I realize this could be perfect. I mean, maybe we're soulmates.

What? No! We are not soulmates.

You said we should run away together.

-You said it. -It's true. You did say that.

I didn't mean that, no. I did not mean that literally.

I'm 26 years old. You're what... you're 50?

Maybe. [grunts] But I feel young.

Maybe we could just run away together.

-What's going on here? -He's trying to marry me.

Well, of course he's trying to marry you,

because you're a gorgeous, sweet, beautiful woman,

and you're a very pathetic, unemployed, just sad, sad person.

[Frank] Jesus, Stuart, we invited you here to help you.

You fucked this up. I... I feel like I lost a friend. I--

There goes the plan. Great. Thanks. Thanks, buddy.

You made it weird, Stuart. Frank, I'm getting cigarettes.

-No, you're not. -Yes, I am.

-No. One cigarette. -I'm having the whole pack.

-[Frank] One cigarette. -[Tillie] No, I'm doing it.

[Stuart] So, I guess, I came to Paris to end up alone again.

I had no idea what to do.

But then you showed up and offered to buy me a drink.

[inaudible]

[Stuart] And now, I've dumped my whole story on a stranger.

Cheer up, man.

People are constantly fucking up. You're not new in that regard.

I'm actually very impressed with how badly I fucked up, even for me.

Oh, there, there, pal.

I'll tell you what, my friend. You're not going home today.

Finish that.

Anyway, what's your fucking name?

Stuart McCreedy.

Stuart? Had you pegged as a Bob or a Dave.

I had you for a Seamus.

Liam.

Liam.

All right, let's take a look here.

[Liam] Says you're booked on the 5:45 to Bordeaux.

-[Stuart] Ah, okay. -Oh, Stuart.

[Liam laughs] Oh, you're in luck, mate.

Most beautiful women in the world live in southern France.

Make you forget all other ladies exist.

Ah!

Ah!

I don't think I'll ever be ready.

-Ready for what? -[Stuart sighs]

-[Stuart] To be with a woman. -Bonjour.

[Liam] Bonjour.

Trust me, mate, a few days in the French countryside,

you'll be amazed at how ready you are.

Just don't go propose to anyone.

Don't worry, I won't.

[man speaking French]

[Louise speaking French]

Mmm.

[Stuart] So, what's with the ankle boot? How'd you injure yourself?

[Liam] Well, I'm a footballer.

I was down here on a trial.

If you can't tell by the color of my beard,

I'm nearing the end of my career.

And I rolled my fucking ankle.

[speaking French]

So, now you gotta go back home, tail between your legs?

I'm not going home.

-Ever? -Well, not yet.

My family business will be there for me when I'm ready.

When I go back, I'm taking over sales.

[laughs] You're no salesman.

Perhaps, but she is.

I would dearly love to sample her wares.

How's your French?

[answers in French]

[chuckles]

Do you want some?

-Yeah. -Oui.

Merci, mademoiselle.

-Thought she'd never ask. -[Stuart giggles]

-[Stuart] Merci. -Thank you.

Mmm.

So, you speak English.

-Not a single word. -[chuckles softly]

I see you're reading Modigliani.

I love his elongation of the feminine form.

Ooh! I see you're an art connoisseur.

Ah, I dabble, you know...

-I read. -So, are you a Parisian?

-Sorry? -[Liam] Are you from Paris?

Oh. Well, no, I'm not anymore,

but, um, I used to be, yes.

-Well, this is exquisite. -[Louise] Thank you.

Yeah, I don't think I've had this one before.

Well, maybe they don't serve it at your pub.

It is marvelous.

You know, you and I actually are sort of in the same business.

Are we?

Mmm-hmm. I'm in bourbon.

[Louise] Oh. Well, no, no.

These are two very different things.

How so?

Well, wine makes you feel warm and sensual.

And whiskey dulls and agitates.

-That is very true. -That is not--

-No. It's not correct. -[Louise] I know.

-It's not? -No.

Well, wine is natural. Whiskey's not.

Well, maybe it's that you've never had a top-shelf bourbon.

Huh? And maybe you've never had a top-shelf wine.

Have you ever had an Old Fashioned?

-A what? -Old Fashioned.

-[Liam] Shite, here they are. -Who?

[Liam] Your American family. Two idiots and their daughter.

Ah! Fuck!

[Stuart] I don't see her.

[Liam] She just got on.

[grunts]

Okay, I should probably go out there and find her,

-right? -Aye.

I'll just... I'll poke around, and if I, uh, see her,

I'll just let her know I'm on the train and it'll be cool.

I won't cause trouble.

Yeah. Be bold.

[Liam sighs and laughs]

Who's the girl?

That's not important.

You two are a weird pair.

Ah.

Well, I literally stumbled over him at the airport.

Poor bastard had his heart broken.

I'm just helping him forget.

Huh. [stammers] Wait.

You're helping him forget the girl he just went out to find?

Well, much like myself, he's a hopeless romantic.

No!

Ugh! Gross.

Uh... Bonjour.

Uh...

I suppose the gentlemanly thing to do would have been to go home,

but the change fee on my ticket was enormous

and the fare difference also big--

Write the man a check, would you, Frank?

No... she doesn't mean that literally. I... I don't have the money.

Now, Stuart, perhaps you would be happier and more comfortable on a different train,

maybe to a different station.

Maybe to a different time zone. Maybe straight to hell.

I should let you know

that I have plans to continue on this trip,

because we are after all, in France,

the land that gave us Piaf, the guillotine, André the Giant.

Besides, I have nothing to go home to.

Whose fault is that?

I'm terribly sorry

to the Sterns, this entire family,

for screwing up so royally.

In fact,

I ask that you accept this token of my apology.

The engagement ring I purchased.

-What the hell are you talking about? -We should take a look at it

and just see what he's talking about.

Don't take it, Mom.

Well, just a peek. For curiosity's sake.

The stone is blue topaz, 13.4 carats, pretzel cut...

[Frank and Tillie murmuring]

No, Tillie.

Will you take this ring? It's yours, and you need the money.

You take it, Stuart. You get it out of here.

What the... what are you doing?

He handed it to me.

-I'm not... I'm not... -What's a pretzel cut?

-[Rosalind] Don't ask me. -What is it?

I've never even heard of that.

Ugh, we were having so much fun.

The entirety of the game is explained in the name.

-Yeah. That's what I thought. -That's the brilliance of it.

[Louise] Yeah, so it's easy to remember,

like, I'm playing football, my foot is on the ball.

[Liam] Wow, you're smart.

Well, look who's back.

[Louise] Any luck?

I wish you hadn't told me she was on this train.

What are you bitching about?

You know bloody well, I never saw your girl get on the train.

I've never seen her before in my life.

Wait, you lied to him?

It's called a gentleman's fib.

So you and I could get better acquainted.

The world will always welcome lovers.

I agree.

Wait, you're leaving?

It's my stop.

Can I get your number?

Well, it's on the bottle actually. Bye!

Hmm.

What...

What the hell are you doing?

Getting off. I need some air.

So, you're both gonna abandon a cripple?

All right. So, what's the plan now, Captain Redbeard?

[Stuart] I don't know, okay? I just don't want to be on that train.

[Liam] Well, congratulations.

We'll just take in the beautiful shithole of...

-Velines. -Can you read this?

-I don't speak French. -Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! What's her name? The lady.

-[Liam] Shit, I forgot. -[Stuart] Uh...

What's going on? Are you following me?

-[Stuart] Mademoiselle! -[Liam] Madame! Beautiful wine lady!

[Stuart] Uh, do you know when the next train to Bordeaux?

-[Louise] What am I, a travel agent? -[Stuart] No, but--

[Louise] I don't know, I think it's the 6:30 or something.

[Liam and Stuart] What?

-[Louise] 6:30, but-- -6:30?

It's past that.

Well, there's no more train tonight. It's tomorrow.

-Tomorrow? -Ah. 6:30 in the morning.

-All right. -What's going on?

-That means we've got time for a drink. -Oh. [chuckles]

Come on, give in.

I can see you want to take in two hapless travelers.

Okay, you know what? I... I don't want to have a drink,

but I'm starving. So what about dinner?

-Oh... -We accept your invitation.

-Let's go eat. -Okay.

-Merci. -We'll follow you.

Merci beaucoup.

-[Liam] We're going up that hill? -[Stuart] Is there a taxi?

[Louise] Yes, we are. [chuckles]

Can't you walk?

[Stuart] I'm not used to walking, I'm American.

Aren't Americans in shape though?

[Stuart] No, we're fat.

All right, this might be a stupid question,

but is there not a restaurant, perhaps downhill?

-You're not gonna regret this. -That is a stupid question.

This is a really, really great place.

Just asking.

[Stuart] Are we there yet?

[indistinct conversation]

[speaking French]

[speaking French]

Oh, this is Max.

[greeting in French]

Nice. So you got a Michelin star.

I'm so glad monsieur approved.

[Louise] Shall we do this?

[speaking French]

[Liam] Thank you.

Oh!

[Liam] This isn't too bad now, isn't it?

Oh, and by the way, this meal is on us.

All right? Your money, no good here.

[speaking French]

[Max speaking in French]

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah, yeah. We were just, uh, speaking French.

Oh.

Wow! [chuckles softly]

I'm starving.

I could eat a dog's arse smothered in gravy right about now.

[Max] Louise.

[speaking French]

-I know this place. -[Stuart] Good choice.

Fill her up.

-One of the perks of the house. -[Max sighs]

[Liam] Well, uh, I say we propose a toast.

-Yes, yes. -To our new savior. Huh.

-[Stuart] Yes. Cheers. -Cin cin.

Cheers. Cin cin.

[Liam] Mmm. That's good.

Not too bad, huh?

Ah!

A delicate wine and an enchanting beauty.

Yes.

[Liam] You know, in my expert opinion,

I do believe I detect a bit of grapes in this one. Yeah?

In this, I taste the tears of history.

Fifteen hundred years of living and dying.

For yearning for love.

You know, uh, when I was a kid,

I wrote poems, uh, about flowers. So...

When I was a kid, I actually used to write poems for Christmas.

And I was giving them as gift.

-Aww. -You know, actually, true story.

One Christmas, I got invited to Sean Connery's castle.

Yeah.

I mean, he wasn't there, but still, cracking party.

-Hmm. -[Stuart] Good story.

[Liam] Thank you.

You know, I don't know about these tears or love you're tasting,

but this reminds me of back home in the States,

people age whiskey in wine barrels now

to combine European culture and American culture.

-It's quite brilliant. -He's obsessed with his bourbon.

[chuckles softly] Spirits are killing us.

Yeah. Tourists just wanna get drunk really fast.

That's not true. A lot of bourbon drinkers sip it.

Not to get drunk. To elevate the conversation.

Gets them talking about getting drunk. [chuckles]

No. It's a classic drink.

-[Liam] This is not blood sausage. -It's got to be.

-Some kind of liver. -This is duck-duck goose...

"Some kind of liver"?

[Stuart] Yeah, delicious.

See, the key to a good meal

is to eat as many different kinds of animals as you can.

[Stuart] Do you like lamb?

[Louise] I don't really like small animals.

-[Liam] You don't like small animals? -No, I don't like to eat them.

Oh, you don't like to eat them. You are an animal lover.

[Louise] Yes, I am.

[Stuart] In America, everybody opens their doors for you.

[Liam] It's so... it's so pretty, it's almost a shame to...

[laughter]

[Stuart] To wonderful food and wonderful people.

-[Liam] Including me? -For now.

So, aren't you lucky that we came with you, huh?

I mean,

where would you be if we'd stayed on the train?

Well, in my bed.

[Liam] Mmm.

Garçon!

Mmm. His name is Max.

-What? -Max.

Max.

[chuckles] Pardon, my pal. Uh, here you go.

-Voilà. -Thank you.

-[Louise] Thank you. -Wow. Thank you.

Eh. My pleasure.

-Mmm. I'm completely stuffed. -Hey.

[Louise] Oh. Well, that's not a very polite thing to say in French.

Oh, uh... my stomach is filled with happiness.

Nice.

You think you'll be needing an escort home?

Uh... no, I think I'm fine. Thanks.

Are you sure? I don't mind.

Yeah, I'm sure. 100% sure.

-She's fine. She's good. -All right. All right.

I just want to say, it's been a real pleasure getting to know you.

And, uh, you wouldn't happen to know

of a cheap hotel or youth hostel around here?

Uh, well, there is the Petit Pomerol,

that is just, uh, all the way up the street.

-Good spa? -"Good spa"?

[Louise] No, I don't think they have a spa.

The fuck is this?

Per the instruction of Mastercard.

Oh! The salty fucking bastard.

Catch this, will you, mate?

What, you know I'm good for it.

-There you go. Good man. Good man. -You owe me.

I'm sorry about that. I'm embarrassed.

Oh, that's all right. Don't worry.

Me dad has me account number. I'm a bit, uh...

Fluid [chuckles] with my finances.

All right. Yeah.

Excuse me a moment. A second.

Uh, Max. Max. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [laughs]

Uh... uh-uh-uh.

-Is there a problem, monsieur? -No, no, no, no, no. Uh...

No problem. Uh... I have the money.

Uh, I just need a little time. Time.

Time?

Yes, um...

I have great credit.

Uh, I just recently have

maxed out my credit cards purchasing an engagement ring

which I have yet to return.

Not a big deal. So, in the meantime,

maybe I can give you a couple hundred American dollars.

Hold that, and I'll come back, and...

Do you have this ring?

-Do I have-- -The ring?

Where is this ring?

Uh, I do have the ring.

Hmm. You will give me this ring,

and I will hold it as collateral.

Because I don't know you, and I don't trust you.

We're done.

[Stuart] It's all good.

So, where did she say this hotel was?

It doesn't matter. We can't stay there.

Right.

Oh. I think I might have drank a little too much.

[retching, spits]

-Some mate you turned out to be. -[sighs]

Artichoke? Did we?

Oh, shit, we did. [laughing]

I had to hock my $7,000 engagement ring

for your big-shot dinner.

Worth every fucking penny, mate.

That was the best meal you or I have ever had.

What are you talking about?

You just puked it up. It's all over the bricks.

Aye. Aye, aye, but...

It's not a total loss.

[laughing]

[stammers] You give that back.

Uh... fuck you and the sheep you rode in on.

[grunts]

You watch it. I'm a fucking professional athlete.

-Come and get it. -[laughing] You fucking jetty.

-Come and get it, boy. -You get back here.

Come and get it.

Oh, what a fat lot of good that's gonna do you

without this. Huh?

-[Stuart blows raspberry] -[laughing]

You are an amateur.

[sighs]

[Stuart] Watch and learn.

[laughing]

[Stuart] Ah. Ah.

[phone ringing]

[Sharron] Wow, you still have my number?

I thought I was that bitch that ruined your life.

Okay. Whatever. Listen.

I want my job back,

and I have something you may be interested in.

Really?

I might have a line on a vineyard over here.

-You still there? -I'm listening.

Okay. It's, uh...

Chateau Beauregard.

What kind of money are we talking about?

I don't know,

but I just had dinner with the owner tonight.

And I'm still feeling her out.

So, what do you think? I make this deal, I get my job back?

-I heard that. -Heard what?

You rolling your eyes.

-So, are we interested? -Maybe.

Why don't you call me when you've more fully felt her out?

Okay. Deal.

In the meantime, I might need some walking around money.

-Maybe seven or eight grand to-- -[phone hangs up]

-Still there? -[dial tone]

[Liam] You better not finish that.

[scoffs] You are a lightweight.

No, you're the fucking lightweight.

[clattering]

Good one. Good comeback.

You want some? You gotta earn it.

Like, something sexual?

No. Not like sexual.

'Cause I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

[Liam] I need something to drink.

[spraying]

[Liam groaning]

I don't know about you, but... [belches, sighs]

I feel refreshed.

So, where are we going?

I don't fucking know.

We missed the 6:32 by 90 minutes, all right?

-We overslept. -[groans]

Hey!

Don't you think we should know where the hell we're headed?

Be my guest.

Well, I guess I have to, then.

Please, captain.

-I will. -Yeah.

-Like this. This is how you do it. -You're so good.

This is how you take charge.

Yeah. Take charge, Liam.

[Liam] Find that cat that shat in my mouth.

Hey. This might be our ticket.

Don't act like a degenerate.

[Liam] Show level ten.

Put the boot up. Get some sympathy.

Bonjour. [stammers] Uh... uh... we missed our tour.

We... we lost our bus.

Other bus, broken.

-We get a ride? -[woman] Yes.

Ah! Perfect, perfect, thank you.

[man] Oh. Chateau Beauregard.

Damn, Lord. Your sense of humor humbles me.

So, let's see the new vat room

built in 2014,

where we have a lot of steps of vinification.

It's very modern, you know.

-Wow! [laughs] -[guide] And very unusual.

-Oh, yes. This is pretty cool. -[guide] It's specially designed for us.

Please, come in, come in. Feel free.

-[Stuart] Come on, you gimp. -"Gimp"?

Even with one leg, I'm still faster than you, you bastard.

[woman] If you wanna make a circle, everyone here.

Hello.

-Bonjour. -[tourists] Bonjour.

This is a good time.

Bonjour. Bonjour.

Uh... welcome, everyone, um...

-My name is Louise, and-- -Hi, Louise.

My name is Louise, and I'm

one of the owner of the Chateau de Beauregard.

Um, today, we're gonna start

by our 2016 vintage Chateau de Beauregard.

I had some of this in the train.

As you can see, and as Vincent told you,

the fermentation of the wine happen in those concrete vats

-that you could see all over the room. -[man] Concrete?

-Yes, and-- -I thought all modern vineyards

were going to stainless steel.

Yes, uh, no, actually, you know, uh,

concrete is better to conserve the temperature of the wine.

-It's way better than-- -[man] What about oak or something?

No, oak... the--

-And the bottles are made of? -Sorry?

[woman] The bottles. They're made of?

Glass.

Um, may we taste?

-It's okay to try? -Yeah, of course.

Please, everyone. Let's, uh... let's all take a glass.

Please, uh, hold it by the stem. Okay?

Swirl it around gently.

This opens up the wine and draws oxygen into it.

Now close your eyes, take a moment and inhale the bouquet.

Imagine the history of the land that you stand upon now.

Millions and millions of years

of sediment and gravel deposited here

to feed this unique rootstock.

Every glass of wine is a courtship.

An encounter with Mother Earth.

Exactly.

Now, go ahead. Taste it.

Roll it on the palate.

Feel the wine before you swallow.

Mmm.

This wine reminds me of a cold winter night,

sitting by a fire, reading Balzac.

[laughing]

Ah, madame.

And what does this wine say to you?

Something I can't say out loud.

-[tourists chuckle] -Indeed. It is a sensual beverage.

It warms the heart.

[Liam] Bloody good stuff.

[Liam] Bye now! Good people.

-[Stuart] Nice people. -[Liam] Good people.

[Stuart] All right, let's see how this goes.

She's got to have room for us.

[Liam] Look at this. [laughs] Are you fucking kidding me?

Room? We're doing her a favor.

[man coughing]

Gerard?

Uh, may I introduce you to, uh, Liam and, uh... [babbles]

-Stuart. -Stuart.

This is Gerard. He's the one who created this beautiful place.

Uh, I met them yesterday in the train,

and Stuart helped me a lot today at the wine tour.

You know, I can't stand doing those anymore.

Oh.

I didn't do that much. I just love talking about wine.

-Don't be so humble. -[Gerard chuckles]

Not bad for an American, which I can say

with all due respect as an American myself.

Well, this here isn't bad for an American.

This is the most modern, impressive vineyard

-I've ever seen. -Yes.

-[coughs] -[Louise] Oh, thank you.

My life's work.

Where you from in the States?

-Oh, uh, Louisville, Kentucky. -[Gerard] Ah.

Nashville without the music.

Excuse me. [coughing]

He's tired.

Oh. Please sit down. Let's have a drink.

-Oh, merci. -Another one.

Oh. I think we must have sold 40 cases to that guy.

I don't know what a regular day's take is,

but I'd say that's a pretty good afternoon.

I don't know much, but I am good at selling.

You're so good at it. I hate selling.

Feels like a punishment to me.

But, you know, since Gerard's illness, it's all falling on me.

What can I do?

Well, the trick is to get the customer to pitch the product.

People are looking for an excuse to buy.

You just have to get them talking,

and they'll come up with the right one for themselves.

That's true, but I mean, come on,

with a face like that, how do you not sell 40 cases?

Of course, I meant, yeah. Of course, I meant that.

-Yeah. -[Louise sighs]

What a day. Well, excuse me,

but now I have to make Gerard's dinner.

What's on the menu? Cassoulet?

Oh, no.

I'm just gonna open one or two cans of soup.

Come on. We can do better than that.

"We can"? What do you mean?

Like, you're suddenly gonna tell me that you're also an amazing cook?

Well, I'm pretty sure you got everything here I need.

Give me a second.

-[laughs] What? -May I?

Oh, the fridge is on the right.

-Uh, okay, got it. -Can... can I help?

No, no, no. You just be yourself.

All right? That's all the help we need.

All right.

[indistinct chattering]

Serious. Serious. And then playful.

[laughing]

No.

[chopping rapidly]

[laughing]

Oh, do you know where this wine is from?

I'm going to guess. France. But I could be wrong.

Yeah. But where in France?

What town is this?

[Louise laughing]

[indistinct conversation]

What?

Mmm.

[Liam] They crash glasses,

spilling a little bit of their wine into the other man's cup.

[laughing]

So if you're gonna poison him, well, then, you're fucked too.

-Where did you read this? -It's nothing.

-[Louise] You just invented this. -[Liam] I'm a wealth of...

Voilà!

[gasps] Whoa!

-Good for you, mate. -Mmm-hmm.

Where did you find those vegetables?

-In my fridge? -In the refrigerator. And on the counter.

-Well, thank you so much. -Bon appétit.

Oh, wait, keep this for me. I'm gonna take this to Gerard.

-[Liam] Mmm. Mmm, mmm. -He's gonna love it.

Where's your manners, jackass? You're eating like a hired hand.

All right, look.

You've got your certain set of skills, and I've got my particular charms.

So, you might be good at talking about wine,

but I'm a virile footballer. Huh? Like David Beckham.

Ah. So, she's like Posh Spice?

Well...

In case you haven't noticed, that is a sophisticated woman.

[Liam] Oh!

She's into my maturity and knowledge.

"Maturity" being the keyword.

Okay. [sighs]

[Liam] Mmm. Mmm!

You gotta try that.

Okay, I'm trying.

Mmm, it's so good.

Just simple.

Give me a little time, I'll knock your socks off.

So, this didn't turn out too bad now, did it?

No.

Super generous of her to put us up like this.

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah.

You know, I'm not sure, but...

I think I was detecting quite a bit of heat

between she and I over dinner.

Yeah. Well, you know,

between that, uh, sleazy restaurateur

and that old uncle or whatever he is,

she might lonely enough to give you a throw.

Uh...

I was shit-talking,

exaggerating for a fact, I don't believe any of that.

Bathroom's yours.

[door creaks open]

-Oh, uh... -Oh, uh, hi.

-Sorry, I was... I was just... -I was just...

Having a bit of a look about.

[speaking French]

[Louise] Mmm-hmm.

[Louise speaks]

[woman 1 speaks]

[cutlery clanking]

Good morning.

-Hi. -Mmm.

Perhaps we could have a sequel to last night?

Hey, you know, yesterday was fun, but that was it.

Well, we could have a little more fun.

No, I don't think so. Sorry.

-Bonjour. -Bonjour.

Uh, breakfast is ready.

-What's going on there? -Hmm.

[scoffs] French women.

That's good.

You're still here?

Uh, oui. Um...

I just wanted to say I didn't want to insult you last night, I didn't...

I didn't mean that.

And, uh, I also came to say, uh...

[speaking French]

What are you trying to say?

To say goodbye is like a small death.

Oh, right. Yeah. No, so you...

You actually said something like, "To say goodbye is like...

Mourning a midget."

I would never say that. That's not what I meant.

-Okay. -Um...

But merci beaucoup.

-Ciao. -Ciao.

Stuart?

Um...

I do get lonely sometimes.

Well,

I get lonely pretty much anywhere.

Tomorrow is market day.

And, uh...

Why don't you come shopping with me?

We're having a party for Gerard's birthday on Thursday,

and I could force your magic in the kitchen again.

I would love to. I'd be happy to cook anything.

I would love that.

-Great. -Merci. Merci.

You're very talented.

-Really. -Thank you.

All I can think is,

I see this landscape, I'm like,

what is it like to live in this kind of beauty day-to-day?

Well,

sometimes it's boring,

and sometimes it's not.

Well, my apartment back home overlooks a KFC, so...

[sighs] KFC!

Just the sound of it turns me on.

I don't think KFC means the same thing over here.

Well, I think it kind of does.

[speaking French]

Uh, pardon?

Chicken fingers?

Yeah, that's KFC.

You're very passionate about your chicken.

I actually used to paint a little bit myself.

Really?

Show me.

I painted this place so many time, I've never seen it this way.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Is it... is it the sunset? Or it's the... yeah.

Mmm-mmm. It's a comet.

-Huh? -You know, comet?

Yeah.

Well,

that is gonna just, like, fall one day,

or is it premonit... a premonition, or...

It's a celestial event. I think it lands in the vineyard.

It doesn't harm the chateau.

[laughs]

[Louise] It's pretty bold.

-[Stuart] Masculine? -[Louise] Yeah.

-[Stuart] I like yours, too. -[Louise] Thank you.

[Stuart] It's very detailed.

[Louise] I was thinking of maybe like

adding your face somewhere here.

-[Stuart] In the dirt? -[Louise laughs] No.

[Stuart] I don't know if that's a compliment.

Oh, my God. Look at these mushrooms.

They're perfect.

Well, you know what, mushrooms are dangerous.

I don't really trust this woman. She might wanna poison you.

[chuckles] Well, before she assassinates us,

we're gonna get all her mushrooms.

Trust me, I got your back.

Mmm, Stuart.

I could use a bit of your enthusiasm.

It's the curse of the salesman. I don't know.

Well, talking about salesmen...

Oh, wait, I'm gonna get some bread.

Don't you have a job?

Like, when are those vacation ending?

Uh, I'm kind of between positions right now.

[Louise] You mean you're unemployed?

[speaking French]

Yeah, you could say that, I guess.

But I'd like to think

I'm sort of just trying to figure out what's next.

So, what's next?

Uh, well...

-[girl] Bonjour. -Bonjour. Ça va?

Bonjour.

-[Stuart] What? Merci. -[laughing]

Look at that. Lucky apple.

What's next? I guess,

I'm really loving France,

so I might just stick around here for a while.

Hmm, so France solves everything?

Well, if you want to, you could stay in the guest house.

You know, I could give you, uh...

Friends and family rates.

I'll take that.

Has anyone ever told you, you smile a lot?

You're just as beautiful when you don't smile.

Well, for some reason, I don't feel the need

to smile so much around you.

Is it a good sign?

Yes. I'd say yes.

Oh, here's your meat.

Lamb!

-Okay, let's go for it. -We're doing lamb.

Do we take a number? Is it like a deli?

No, we don't take a number.

[speaking French]

-Ten lambs. -Ten lambs?

-What? No. -Ten leg of lamb.

[speaking French]

Hook her up. I'm with Louise. Hook us up.

[humming a tune]

[Louise] I think I've heard that song before.

[Stuart] It is one of my favorite songs.

[Louise] It is?

[laughing]

[indistinct conversation]

Usually I need... I need...

I need some help to wash my hands.

[indistinct conversation]

-Very good. -Thank you.

I have the right... It's like painting.

[laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

Go slow. You.

-There's other people. -I am...

[indistinct conversation]

[laughter]

-Bonjour. -Ça va?

Liam.

[singing "Happy Birthday" in French]

[all cheering]

[grunts]

Merci. Merci beaucoup. [sighs]

[speaking French]

[all speaking French]

Oh, and a toast to our beautiful hostess.

[guests murmur approval]

Well, thank you, um...

Actually, thank you so much, Stuart, for this amazing dinner.

[all] To Stuart.

[Stuart] No. No. No. No. No. No.

A chef is only as good as his sous-chef.

And a meal only as good as the company you share it with.

To the birthday boy.

[all] To the birthday boy.

-[Liam] Happy birthday. -Merci.

Hmm, all right. Cake?

[speaking French]

What did he say?

Oh, he just said that he wants to hire you as a cook.

You're a good liar.

Would you like a strawberry?

-Yes. -Yeah?

[strumming slow tune]

[all cheering]

[strumming peppy tune]

[inaudible]

[all laughing and cheering]

[all cheering]

[Louise] What are you thinking?

[Stuart] Who, me?

[Louise] No, the other guy holding my hand.

[Stuart] Uh...

Just wondering. I thought you and Liam were, uh...

[Louise] Oh, no. No.

-[Stuart] No? -[Louise] No.

It was just a careless moment.

Do you think there's gonna be like a comet tonight?

Can you see one?

[Stuart] Oh, I just saw a shooting star.

[Louise] You did?

[Stuart] Hmm, it's just a spaceship.

[Louise] Well, um, maybe you should paint one

next time you do a painting,

but just next to a KFC.

[Stuart laughs] Okay.

Okay, okay. I will.

You know what, I always wanted to have one of those, um...

Those things.

Like those long things to look at the stars, you know.

-How you call it? -Telescope.

-Yes, a telescope. -Or elephant tusk.

[Louise laughs]

Or elephant tusk. Telescope.

-Okay. -You mean telescope.

Yeah. It's on my list of, uh...

"to do" things that I will... will never do.

Probably.

Well, I would love to know

the list of things that maybe you have done.

Hmm.

Well, that sounds like a scary question.

All right. Easy question.

Uh... how long have you been here? How did you get here?

-Uh... -Two questions.

I'm from Paris, and I...

I wanted to be an artist.

And I've been here for a long time.

Longer than I have thought...

I would.

[Stuart] Hmm.

Um... [clears throat]

...what about you?

What's your story?

Tell me about that girl. The girl on the train.

Careless moment.

That's too easy.

Uh, temporary insanity.

Okay.

Well...

You seem to have a thing for girls in trains, though.

That is funny.

-It's funny? -I actually...

I actually used to build model trains as a kid.

[Louise] Hmm.

Maybe it's subconscious.

Probably.

Well, I actually used to eat sand

on the playgrounds when I was kid.

That sounds like an eating disorder.

But does it mean that I should be living on the beach?

Um...

-Did you know... -Maybe it's subconscious.

Did you know Kentucky is right next to the ocean?

-Is it? -[Stuart] No, it's not.

-[Louise] Really? -No.

Oh, well, I have no sense of geography.

Do you mind?

[Louise] Did you ever think that...

Your cooking would get you into my bed?

That was my plan all along.

Actually, it was my plan.

-But I'll let you believe it was yours. -[chuckles]

-You're full of surprises. -Mmm-hmm.

Mmm. Speaking of...

[Stuart sighs]

What?

-I thought all French women smoked. -[chuckles]

That's such a cliché.

I know.

Okay. [clears throat]

I'll do it. I'm gonna try not to disappoint you,

but I really suck at it.

Just let me have my stereotype.

-Okay. -[both laugh]

[coughing]

It's really sexy when you smoke.

[coughs] Thank you.

[chuckles]

Who do you think you are?

Jean-Paul Belmondo?

Are you trying to impress me?

-Is it working? -It is.

[door opens]

Hello.

Ah, fuck!

Door!

[cellphone ringing]

-[Stuart grunts] Sorry. -[cellphone stops ringing]

[chuckles]

[Liam] Look at you, wearing your big girl's blouse.

Good luck trying to work off that flabby gut

scribbling on a clipboard.

Good morning, Liam.

That's not gonna do a damn thing for your sorry knob either.

Why are you always talking about my genitals?

[scoffs] Seriously, man. Your withered little joint

is the most pitiful thing I've ever seen.

That's interesting.

[in Scottish accent] That's not what your mother said.

[both grunting]

Ahhh! You fucking scum!

-[both grunting] -[Stuart laughs]

[Liam] Let me go, you fucking biter!

Ooh! Oh!

I had her first.

Bullshit!

I'm glad you lost your fucking ring, you cunt!

Come on back, you coward!

Go fuck yourself!

[gasping]

-[clears throat] Are you in? -[Sharron] Unfortunately.

-This place is disgusting. -[Stuart] Okay.

By my desk, there should be the box my microwave came in

with some magazines on it.

[Sharron] Yeah. Some magazines?

Right. [groans]

Yeah. Dig in there.

Okay. Oh, my God, Stuart.

-[objects clattering over phone] -[Sharron] Oh!

-Oh, my God. -[coughing]

A 20-year-old bottle of Blanton's, you son of a bitch?

Okay. I need you to overnight that case to Chez Max.

-Uh, the address is-- -Just text me the address, Stuart.

And please, tell me this is gonna help you close this deal

and you're not just gonna drink it.

No, I'm not gonna drink it.

[speaking French]

What happened to you?

It was all for love.

Look, I wanna get my ring back.

This is a stickup?

No, I, uh, wanna get it out of hock.

S'il vous plait.

And you're paying by check?

No. I wanna make a trade.

-A trade? -Yeah.

But what item do you have to trade?

A full case of 20-year-old Kentucky bourbon.

That tells me nothing.

Have you ever heard of Blanton's?

That would be, uh, 60 Euro.

Before, it was... [muttering]

This is much more than the value of your love ring.

You fool.

But we have a deal.

-[Stuart sighs] -[box opens]

Should this package not arrive tomorrow,

my cousin Leo will be paying you a visit.

Pleasure doing business with you.

If that's what you call it.

Hmm. Excuse me.

What is your life?

Why are you still here?

For your information,

I actually represent a certain party in the States

that's looking to acquire vineyards here in the Bordeaux region.

-Do you? -I do.

Hmm. And you're looking to acquire what?

Chateau Beauregard.

[chuckles]

That will never happen.

[chuckles]

The offer we are prepared to make is more than reasonable.

The one you must negotiate with is not.

Actually, I found her to be quite reasonable.

I'm speaking about her husband.

What?

Gerard. You've met him.

And Gerard wants nothing, and will take nothing.

You and Gerard are married?

Oui.

Why wouldn't you tell me that?

How would you not know?

How could I know?

You two have never even spent the night together in a room.

-Can we talk about this later? -Why?

Uh... excusez-moi. Pardon me.

Um, s'il vous plait, merci.

Uh, please follow me, I'm gonna show you the, um, vineyard

and the beautiful Pomerol landscape.

Hello, Stuart.

God, you're like a... like an in-grown hair.

Just keep popping up, very irritating.

Very embarrassing.

Nice...

Stu, I mean, officially,

I'm supposed to be offended by your behavior,

but, uh, I mean, if you and... I mean, she's like--

Frank.

-[speaking French] Dépêchez-vous. -I'm coming.

What?

Whoa! Take it easy, big fella.

Look, mate, I'm, uh... I'm taking off. All right?

You won her. Fair and square. So, go get your ring back.

Maybe you and Louise can settle down.

I got my ring back.

I think I might just work on myself for a while.

Oh, good for you.

No, I'm a big fan of self-improvement.

You are?

Obviously.

Do you think you can spare a few quid

so I don't end up like a homeless person out there?

No. I barely have bus fare and you still owe me for that dinner.

[clicks tongue]

You're not gonna let go of that one, are you?

No.

All right, well, this is it then, mate.

-All right? -All right.

You stay in touch, you big, red bastard.

-Good luck to you, Liam. -We had an adventure, didn't we?

-Yeah. -There were some good parts.

-Yeah. -Come on, you're not gonna forget me.

Yeah, I won't.

You take care of yourself, Stuart. You stay beautiful.

Good luck to you, Liam.

Don't need it!

Ros!

I... I don't know, I've just been thinking about...

It was really sweet in its own absurd wrong way.

Thanks.

You and I have always had very open, honest conversations.

And that day at the Eiffel Tower--

I know, French TSA is the worst.

I realized that it had nothing to do with me.

It was you risking our friendship

to realize an idealized version of what your life could be.

You're right.

And I am sorry.

-Okay? -Okay.

Do you think in like a not-weird, not-proposal way,

I can just, like, look at the ring?

Oh, the ring? You didn't get the sparkle.

-I didn't get the sparkle. -No.

I don't have it. I just had it.

God damn it!

Look, it's cool.

Liam!

-[Tillie] Such a good talk. Oh! -[Liam grunts]

[Frank] Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing?

[Liam] I lost my group back there.

I was hoping to get a ride back into town.

Where are you from? I detect an accent. Are you from the Isles?

-[Liam] Keen ear you have, yeah? -It's probably...

It sounds like he's British to me.

The accent and myself are from Scotland.

Ah, that's what I was gonna say.

What do you do in Scotland, hon? Are you a pig farmer?

Uh, close.

Uh, I used to be a professional football player.

Okay, now, just for the record, I think what he means,

-is what we would think of as soccer-- -Frank, we know what he means.

-He means soccer. -All right.

But you used to be. What happened?

Uh, well, I... I hurt my foot.

And now, I'm just a regular guy trying to put pieces back together.

Mmm. What kind of pieces?

Well, you're one for the questions, aren't you?

Uh, well, if you must know,

I was recently spurned by the love of my life.

-Oh. -Oh, I'm sorry.

[sighs] Yep. That happens.

-That... that kind of stuff happens. -[Liam] Yeah.

[Tillie] I just said that, Frank.

[Rosalind] It happened, it has happened.

[Tillie] Who's got a Rolaids?

To answer your question, yes.

I'm married.

But it's complicated.

I mean...

[sighs]

For some reason, my marriage became something that isn't...

That is not romantic anymore, and...

You know, I... I wasn't expecting to meet someone on a train,

and everything happened so fast, that...

I should have told you that...

In my mind, I'm not living the life of a married woman, and...

Maybe that's why I didn't feel the need to explain.

Does that make any sense at all?

Not totally.

But...

I'm okay.

[Liam] She would have loved it here.

Who are you talking about?

My girl. You know, my ex-girl.

I had her out here in Paris, between matches.

I'm at a crossroads myself.

-Aye? -Yeah.

-Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. -That's okay.

Well, look.

I still got the ring.

I paid seven grand for the thing.

Which means it's probably only worth six.

But I bet we could get four, four and a half for it.

Enough for you and I to live a little. Get away from the grown-ups.

You like?

Oh. Wow.

This would be a nice present for Edie.

-You know, she-- -Hey, hey.

Not again!

Sacrebleu!

I've been told I have impeccable taste.

Yeah.

Hi, peanuts, what's happening?

This is my engagement ring. It's the one from Stuart.

-What? -[Tillie] From Stuart?

What do you mean the one from Stuart? Oh, that is Stuart's ring.

Are you Rosie?

-Oh, fuck! -[Rosalind] How did you get this?

Wait a minute. Why do you have Stuart's ring?

[laughs nervously] He gave that to me.

No, no, no. Stuart is a dumbass,

but he would never give you this ring.

All right, look. I took it.

-What is wrong with you? -Okay. I took it.

But there's a good reason. All right. I was broke, and alone,

and I did not want to go home,

and I met your beautiful daughter,

and I wanted to spend everything I had on her.

Well, of course you do, look at her, she's gorgeous.

-She is. -Now...

Call the police, Frank. Call the police.

-I'm calling the police. -No, no, no.

There's no need for police.

Look. Look. I'm sorry, all right? I really am.

Been a bit broken, lately. Been doing a lot of shitty things.

Wow.

Turns out I don't know the number of the police.

What a great confession. A real catch over here.

Bet every woman just drops her panties

-at the sound of that. -All right.

Sincere apology, ma'am.

Practice your French on the chocolatier, I don't know.

Chocolatier. Let's go to the chocolatier.

Dad knows where one is. Just take her, please.

-[Frank] You two-- -You're good people.

Don't you dare give him back that ring.

-You two have fun. -I apologize.

-It's a pretzel cut! -Come on, come on. Please.

Thank you for that.

Let's go get lunch.

Really?

I don't know. I really think you're an idiot.

But I don't know, I like your accent, so let's go.

-It's cool, isn't it? -It's kind of cool.

I knew you and I had a connection.

Do we?

-I think we do. -Okay.

Just full disclosure. Um, I have no money.

So lunch is on you.

I said, let me buy you lunch.

[Liam] Brilliant.

[Stuart] Gerard?

Have you, uh, seen the lady of the house?

Uh, I mean your wife.

Took off on her bike couple hours ago.

But I don't keep a tracking device on her.

[both chuckle]

I've noticed she's very independent.

So... [sniffles, exhales]

Louise.

Louise.

[exhales]

I care a great deal about her happiness.

She was very young when I brought her here. She...

She gave up a lot

for a dream that wasn't really hers.

Actually, I might be able to help you with this.

I don't know if Louise told you,

but my company distributes wine throughout North America.

She said you were in whiskey. [coughing]

Primarily, yes, but we also own many boutique vineyards like your own,

and I'm authorized to make an offer on your vineyard.

A substantial one,

and I would eventually take over management and sales,

and take all the work off your hands.

Uh, and of course, Louise's. She'd be free to paint, or...

Paint and...

I would guarantee that your legacy is in good hands, sir.

[clears throat] It's an interesting proposition.

[coughing] Have you spoken to Louise about this?

[Stuart] No, I haven't.

-Actually, earlier I was trying to find-- -[groaning and choking]

Gerard?

Gerard?

You okay?

Gerard?

Gerard?

Gerard?

Help!

Help!

[Sharron] Where are we on the Beauregard deal?

It's, uh...

Moving along.

It's, uh... it's a unique process.

Okay, Stuart, we're prepared to make a real offer here.

So, if you have a timeline, can you make the intro?

I spoke with the owner. And he was, uh...

They were open to selling the vineyard.

He.

How close are you?

Look... I know... I don't know...

I'm legitimately close to buying the vineyard. Okay?

I just have a...

Just have one small issue I have to deal with, and then...

Okay. So, you can make the introduction.

Stuart, are you there?

What small issue do you need to deal with? Me?

No. Louise, no. That's not--

Did you somehow think you could buy the vineyard in my back?

No. Absolutely not. That's not true at all.

Look, I've been trying to find a time,

respectfully, to speak to you about this, okay?

And I... I spoke with Gerard before he passed, and I...

He was open to selling the vineyard.

-Oh, really? -Yes!

Like you and Gerard decided on my life together?

No! Not at all. We're talking about you selling something.

We're not stealing it.

I'm talking about the best thing that could possibly happen for you.

I can take care of everything that you hate.

You can spend time with your painting, and your...

You can enjoy your life.

-I get it. -Yes!

You're my hero.

But where do I belong in this story, huh?

Did you think that maybe I wanted something else?

Or maybe I can make my own decisions?

Of course I did.

I should have told you upfront. Yes.

-I don't want to lose this, okay? -Huh!

Oh, really? Well, I don't blame you. You can make tons of money.

What are you... No!

I don't want to lose us.

But Stuart, you know what?

We are nothing. We're nothing.

You should just leave. You should just get the fuck out of here.

And take anything you want. It's gonna be yours anyway.

-Look-- -You know what? Congratulations.

You got the fucking vineyard, but not the girl.

[door slams shut]

[knocking on door]

[Stuart] Louise.

Let me just work this out. Please.

[man over PA] This is the final call for American Airlines

Flight 238 to Louisville, Kentucky.

Three-piece dark meat, uh, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob.

[speaking French]

Uh... nothing.

Thank you.

[recorded message playing] Hey, Louise, it's Stuart again.

Uh, I just want to let you know I got some KFC tonight

and Kentucky misses you.

And the Colonel misses you.

And, uh, yeah, that's it.

Um... call me.

Well, a thousand cases would be great.

-And, uh, how about I throw in 50 cases... -Good job.

...at cost?

[chuckles]

Well then, I guess I gotta fly down to Texas

and teach you how to make an Old Fashioned.

[recorded message playing] Hey, Louise, it's Stuart.

I called the chateau this time. I thought you might pick up.

You're... you're there probably working, busy.

Um... yeah, I was hoping you'd pick up.

Uh, it's been a week, can you be... believe it,

since I've been home. Uh...

Okay. Maybe I'll try you again later.

-[laughing] Oh, boy. -[commentary on TV]

Look at these idiots.

Come on! You're a professional.

[chuckles]

You okay?

Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

[chuckles] They're not.

They're in trouble. I think they're gonna lose.

[Louise] Is it... is it the sunset? Or it's the... yeah.

[Stuart] Mmm-mmm. It's a comet.

It's a celestial event. I think it lands in the vineyard.

It doesn't harm the chateau.

[Louise laughs]

What are you doing here?

I thought I could go home, but you're not there.

And I've never felt home...

Except when I was with you.

'Cause you...

You care for life like no one I've ever met.

I told Sharron she could take the offer herself.

If you sell your vineyard, she can have it all.

I don't...

I don't want something easy.

I want you.

Can I sit down?

Yes.

I guess I... I should tell you that I...

I... I accepted their offer this morning.

I sold the vineyard.

It's a shame. You could have painted your own vineyard.

It was never about the vineyard for me.

Just the girl.

How much was it?

It wasn't in the box.