Original subtitles

(tense music)

(water splashing) - Why doesn't he split?

- [Bill] No, he's much too cool for that.

- One switch,

just so the bad guys win in the end.

- The man marked D for David.

Uncle Luigi said he's the one who posed as the FBI man.

- What do you mean my husband and I

are being impersonated by two police officers!?

Why? - You people have got

a lot of nerve using our name on some kind of a...

- Look, it's not easy to explain.

Listen, I'm gonna tell you something now

you never thought you'd hear from these lips.

- Yeah?

- Go put your clothes on.

(siren wailing)

(dramatic action music)

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- Grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light

shine upon him, may he rest in peace.

Amen, and may his soul and the souls

of all the faithful departed,

through the mercy of God rest in peace.

- Amen. - Rest in peace.

You know, if I didn't have this arthritis,

I would be down there helping them to carry him out.

- Sure, I know you would, Uncle Luigi.

- It's the least I can do for him, I owe it to him.

You know why?

Because when I was wounded in the trench

during the Aragon Offense, who do you think had carried me?

- Mr. O'Malley. - O'Malley!

- Uncle Luigi? - Yeah?

- Why did we sit up here?

Why couldn't we sit downstairs with everybody else?

- Because that's where O'Malley and me,

we used to sit every Sunday.

- You mean right here?

- Well, are we leaving or not?

Come on.

What a night, I'll never forget it.

I thought we would never make it, but we made it.

We beat those hounds, I'm telling you.

- Uncle Luigi, you sure you don't mind

that I can't go with you to the cemetery, huh?

I gotta get back to the office, I got a lot of work to do.

- Yeah, don't worry, don't worry.

- Huh, it's all right? - O'Malley's son-in-law,

Silverstein, he's a doctor, Silverstein,

they tell me he's a very good doctor, a big shot.

He said he's going to take me

to the cemetery and then to my house.

- Good. - I says...

The car, did you see, that's no car, it's a living room!

- It's a fantastic looking thing, you know, it's great.

- And this way you don't have to ride with me.

(both speaking in Italian)

You think I'm gonna have a nephew

talk to an uncle the way you talk to me?

- What're you talking about? - You want me to retire

in an old fossil house?

- O'Malley went when he was 80, didn't he?

Didn't he go into a home when he was 80,

told you it was very nice.

You told me that yourself, he said it was very nice.

- Yes, I said, I said, I said,

it was all right for O'Malley, but not for me!

- Watch your step.

- And O'Malley's not Italian, what does he know about food?

God rest his soul, he knows nothing about food

but I do because I like to cook, that's why.

- Uncle Luigi, I told you, Mrs. Tedesco says

she found this fantastic place for her aunt,

they got a great Italian kitchen.

- No, (speaking in Italian) you have to understand

that I want to eat the food when I wanna eat,

if I wanna eat, why I wanna eat, I wanna be free.

- You are free, it's not a prison, Uncle Luigi!

- No, no, no, no, no,

because I have to tell them when I come in and where I go.

The money that I got in the bank, and you know that I got,

- I know you got the money in the bank.

- I can take care of anything,

I could even take care of you.

You're getting soft, you know?

- Yeah, I'll give you soft.

You better watch yourself.

- I don't take any wooden nickels and...

- And don't do anything I wouldn't do, right?

- Wise guy.

(kissing)

And that's not for you,

it's for my girlfriend Sergeant Pepperoni.

(both laughing)

How she laughs when I call her Pepperoni.

How is she, is she okay?

- She's fantastic.

I don't know why, but she sends you her love.

- This jacket, look at how it fits,

looks like you got a bag of marshmallows.

What did they give you, a baseball bat with that, huh?

Go on (laughing).

- All right, I'll see you soon.

(both speaking in Italian)

- Bring 'em down.

Okay, keep those arms, keep 'em up straight.

Okay.

(metal clanking)

I'm sorry, sir, but males aren't permitted

in this section of the spa.

- It's okay, I am a sergeant.

I'm looking for Pepper Anderson.

- Okay, she's right there.

- Oh yeah, thank you.

(metal clanking)

Hey, that's a little too heavy for ya,

let me fix that for ya.

Make it a little lighter.

There we go, now try.

- William.

- Oh, hi Pepp, what're you doin' here?

- That's the police commissioner's daughter.

- Uh, (coughing) excuse me.

- Can't you read that sign outside?

Says Women Only.

- Well, that's female chauvinism.

- That's the word for it.

- How come we never see action like this around the office?

- (chuckling) How come you never just pick up the phone

and call me when I'm at the gym?

- Listen, I'm gonna tell you something now

you never thought you'd hear from these lips.

- Yeah?

- Go put your clothes on.

- That's new.

What's happening?

- We gotta get to the airport, Janichek took

an earlier flight than he had booked himself on.

We gotta get out there

so we can serve him those little papers.

Let's go!

- I haven't been on the vibrator yet.

- That reminds me, Uncle Luigi sent you a little something.

- What?

- Scuzi.

(kissing)

- He asked you to do that? (laughing)

- He sends his love.

- And you think he's ready for the old folks home?

(doorbell buzzing) - Hold your horses.

Every time I make a cup of coffee,

somebody's always ringing the bell.

Yes?

Yes, just one minute, all right (chuckling).

Yes? - Mr. Louis Concetta?

- Yes?

- Charles Franklin's my name, FBI.

- FBI?

- And I am Mario Seta.

- Oh, Seta, Italian, are you not?

- Oh yes. - I am Italian too!

- On my father's side. - Oh, very nice!

Won't you come in, gentlemen, please.

- Oh, this is charming.

- Would you want some espresso, it's homemade?

It's good stuff.

Some of my espresso? - Oh, no, no, no.

Thank you, nothing at all, no, no, no.

- Make yourself at home, please.

- I am one of the vice presidents

of the Banes Savings and Loan.

- Oh, that's my bank,

it's where I do business are the corner.

- Yes, sir, on, Krasnow, sir.

Does that name mean anything to you?

- Ah, Krasnow.

I call him Lenny, I can't pronounce his last name.

The wife had give birth to two boys.

- That's the one. - He's a nice fellow.

He's the teller at the bank, yes, I know, I know.

- Leonard Krasnow, I'm afraid I have some

(sighing) disquieting news for you.

- Oh no.

- The offices of the bank, with the help of the Bureau,

are in the unhappy position

of having to investigate Mr. Krasnow.

- Why?

- Well, there's a strong possibility

that he has been embezzling some of the funds.

Even possibly some from your own accounts, Signore.

- My money?

You, you think he's, he's embezzling,

he take my money out of the bank?

Oh no!

- If it is true, you will get all your money back,

every penny, I promise it, but we need your help.

- $18,643 plus interest, my life savings,

Mr. Seta, I wanna know about my money!

- Exactly, and what the FBI wants you to do

is to come with us now, go down to the bank,

we will wait while you close out your account.

- All the money, this will help the FBI?

- Yes, sir.

- Every penny and in cash.

- Are you sure you wanna do this?

This is all your money, every cent you've got, Mr. Concetta?

- It's my money, my every cent,

just like you say, Mr. Krasnow.

You put the money right in here, now!

- But... - Don't make me

raise my voice, you get the cash

just like it says on the slip.

Get the money and count every cent in front of my very eyes!

- But I really don't think that you should...

- Get it!

(phone ringing)

- Crowley, yeah.

Hey! (speaking in Italian)

No, of course your nephew's here, I'm always working hard.

What's up?

- Guess who worked with the FBI today.

- I don't know, who?

Banny Fox?

Elizabeth Bray?

I don't know, tell me.

- I worked with the FBI! (laughing)

We catch a crook at my bank.

How do you like them apples?

- What're you talking about?

- This bank teller, you know, he, um, (speaking in Italian)

he embezzle all of my money from the bank.

And these two men, one very distinguished from the bank

and the FBI, they come here to talk to me and...

- And they ask you to withdraw all your money

from the bank while they investigate it?

- That's what happened!

'Ey, that's the way you catch a crook, methodically!

You come right away, huh, we'll have vermicelli boscaiola

and we'll do something that you like, okay?

- Yeah, I'll come right over, Uncle Luigi.

But I think I just lost my appetite.

- You know what, you people,

I don't think you hear me too good.

I said Seta, Mario Seta, Seta!

- Uncle Luigi, what does Seta mean in Italian, huh?

Silk, right?

Okay, now look, these con guys,

they're very shrewd, they're clever.

They get their kicks outta leaving

their trademark on their work.

A guy becomes Italian so he changes

his name from Silky to Seta.

(knocking) - Charlie, Pepper.

- Hey, Randy, come in.

This is Randy Carol from our Bunco Division,

this is my Uncle Mr. Concetti.

- Ah, Mr. Concetti, about what happened, I'm very sorry.

- Ha, hello Mr. Sorry, meet Mr. Stupido.

- Is that the picture?

- Yeah, this is Chamberlain.

He's slick and he's fast, I think he's our man.

- Uncle Luigi, come here.

- Oh, please, no more.

- Uncle Luigi, come on now, look at this.

- Just take a minute.

- Come on, look at that.

Is that the guy who took your money?

- Hm, no.

(Uncle Luigi speaking in Italian)

This is not the man.

The man that I said to you before is much older,

he's got a mustache, he's distinguished, he's Italian.

This guy's a crook.

This is not the man!

- Okay, I'll take you home Uncle Luigi.

- No, no, no, you give this to the young lady

and say thank you very much and I'll be along.

Thank you.

(somber music)

- Hey, Crowley, just got word

from Intelligence, it's working.

- What's working?

- Chamberlain and two of his helpers

have just flown up to Bradford Springs.

- Oh yeah?

- Got a reservation at the Ray Hotel,

booked as Mr. Samuel Ingersal Leonard Kent.

Can you believe it?

- I believe the initials, S-I-L-K.

- Yeah, and now he's got his front money,

so I'm all set to move.

- Hey Randy.

Count Pepper and me on this thing, will you?

I got a personal score to settle, I'll clear it with Parks.

- Great.

- Yeah, now I gotta work out the money angle,

but I'll sweat that, don't you worry about that.

- Okay.

Yeah, I've gotta find myself a wife fast,

we've set Chamberlain up to be on the lookout

for a Mr. And Mrs. Collins, rich and classy.

- Rich and classy?

What about Mary Lou up in R&I, that's a classy type.

- Oh, no way, she's got a husband.

I was, um, I was kinda thinking of Kate Lindsey, works Vice.

You know her?

- I know her, pretty girl.

- Very efficient.

- Yeah, very efficient.

And pretty.

And single.

- Yeah.

And single.

Yeah, well, um, but very efficient.

- Yeah, I said that.

- See ya.

- And single.

(water splashing)

- [Clerk] Mr. And Mrs. Larry Collins?

- That's right.

- From Coos Bay, Oregon.

- Oh yes, we got your wire, I'm sorry there are no suites

available at the moment, only choice doubles.

(Kate sighing)

- See what you can do, okay?

See, this is our second honeymoon

and there's nothing too good for my bride here.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Collins, there's nothing else available.

- Oh great.

First my luggage gets lost on the flight...

- Darling, we can't fight fate,

the man said a double, we settle for what he's got.

And don't worry about clothes, I'll buy you a bikini.

- (chuckling) Thanks a lot, I need a dress.

- First things first, we'll take it.

- [Clerk] Room 408, please.

- (chuckling) Yeah, you heard me right,

Glenn, I said a thou.

On Tecopo in the third to show, one thou.

- [Bill] Careful, don't take so many shots,

you're wasting film, I just got one roll left.

- [Pepper] Well, why didn't you buy some more?

- [Bill] I didn't have my credit cards with me

and they wouldn't take a check.

- What, you stopped borrowing from me all of a sudden?

- (chuckling) You I gotta pay back.

- [Randy] Enjoying your lunch, sweetheart?

You seem to be eating quite a bit of it.

- Chocolate Bavarian pie is on my diet.

- Cute.

- Okay, Glenn, fourth race, you ready?

Another thou on, let me see...

- You don't care how you waste

the department's money, do ya kid?

Hey, Randy, I forgot to tell ya.

We just got the word we got the full cooperation

of the Bradford Springs PD on this thing.

- Hey, great, Glenn, hey that sounds

like another real winner!

(laughing) Yeah, another thou on that, okay?

To win.

Mm-hmm, okay now, sixth race.

Yeah, Brass Monkey to show.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

(Randy sighing)

(Randy laughing)

Okay, Crowley, we can knock it off,

our audience has just walked out on us.

- Yeah, I can see that.

Okay, nice going.

- Right.

- We strike out?

- No, Chamberlain's still circling the field,

he just hasn't landed yet.

But when he bites, you'll know it.

Uh, sweetheart, you can stop eating now.

- Are you kidding?

Very rarely do I get to eat caviar and duck l'orange.

- Hey, I've got a terrific idea.

Let's go up and take a little nap.

- I got a better idea!

Why don't you go up and take a little nap

and I'll go do a little shopping,

you know, buy a few clothes.

- Alone?

- Mm-hmm.

- I think it's a rotten idea.

In the interest of the police department,

I'm gonna go along and protect Crowley's bankroll.

- Well, my dear, you have been most helpful,

and I do thank you so much.

(chuckling) Right.

Goodbye.

(phone thudding)

- [Ralph] This guy checks out okay?

- Mm-hmm.

Gentlemen, that was Mr. Lawrence Collins' secretary

in Coos Bay, turns out our pigeon's family

owns a plywood mill, although he and his wife

are on vacation they can be found,

believe it or not, in this hotel.

Ha!

So, the operation is go.

- All right!

Take a bow, Silky.

- If there's one truism, Ralph, in this life,

it is that people with money always want more

and if there's another,

it is until we are through, no women, and no liquor.

Do I make myself clear, hm?

- Hey, well, in that case I better give Cindy a call.

I told her... - No, you can do that later.

I've got to reach Harold in New York,

just in case they check up on my credentials.

You guys don't have to let any grass grow under your feet.

Lobby and patio.

Come on, let's get on it.

(Chamberlain laughing)

- You know, I'm beginning to enjoy playing with this thing.

- Oh?

Is that a hint for your birthday?

- Or Christmas.

Well, I guess that's it for now.

- Where're you going?

- To my room to take a shower.

- Well, listen, why don't you just take a shower here?

- Bill.

- No, really, I'll take the film out,

we'll see what develops. (Pepper scoffing)

- See you later.

- Call me if you need help with the exposure.

- (chuckling) Yeah.

Ah!

- You dropped your key, my dear.

- Oh, well thank you, you're very kind.

- Uh, don't I get a reward or something?

Maybe a drink, you know?

- (chuckling) Maybe later.

- Uh, but you said I was very kind.

- You're kinda getting on my nerves, give me the key.

- Take it from me.

Come on.

Take it from me.

(laughing) Take it from me.

Come on, come on! - Give it to me I said!

(door slamming)

(punches thudding)

- Okay, that settles it.

- That settles what, Sir Galahad?

- From now on you're staying here with me.

One more trip like that, you could blow our cover.

- I have a feeling I'd have been better off with him.

- (laughing) Crowley is really gonna be knocked out by this.

$224 bucks for a dress.

- Well, I had to have something to wear!

Besides, if he finds my suitcase he can take the dress back.

- Um, I thought I heard the lady say,

"No refunds or exchanges!"

- Well, then he's stuck with the dress.

- Now, where're you going?

Uh, sweetheart, what're those?

- Whoop, sorry.

- (scoffing) Well, I thought in case I couldn't sleep,

I'd have something to read tonight.

- Couldn't sleep?

But we're on our second honeymoon, remember?

- (chuckling) In that case, you can read to me.

- Terrific, just terrific.

- What's the matter?

- My pocket's just been picked clean and beautifully.

I lost my wallet and my key.

- That's terrific.

That means Chamberlain's got you marked,

now he's checking you out.

Let's give him plenty of room.

Okay.

Yeah, fine.

Ha.

- Sounds good.

- It's getting better and better, I'll tell ya.

What're you doing?

- I'm trying to get proficient.

You know, they're a great looking couple.

- Let me see what you got there.

- I wanna get some good pictures of them.

- You know what would help this?

- Uh-uh.

- If you took this off.

- What were you gonna call this shot,

Midnight in the Cold Shoot? (phone ringing)

- Answer the phone.

- Hello?

Yeah, Pete, what's up?

When?

How is he?

Yeah...

Pete and Joe found Uncle Luigi unconscious on the floor.

(sighing) Where is he now?

Have they contacted his own doctor yet, Pete?

No, well let me tell you something.

Now this has happened twice before,

it's his high blood pressure.

Yeah.

Now just tell the doctor that.

Okay.

I'll hang by the phone if it...

Yeah, give me a call, will ya?

(phone thudding)

- Is he gonna be all right?

- (sighing) I think so, it's his high blood pressure,

it's been brought on by all this aggravation.

Boy, talk about bad timing.

- Bill, why don't I go back?

You're more important here than I am.

And if anything happens, I'll call you

and you'll break off, all right?

- Would you, Pepp, do you mind?

- (chuckling) I love him, too, you know.

- I'll get you a reservation on the next flight.

(phone thudding)

- Damn!

- They don't have a suite yet or your suitcase hasn't shown?

- Both.

- Hey, look, it's not that bad.

I don't mind sleeping in the buff

so you can have my pajamas, right?

- Wrong.

(knocking)

Who is it?

- Mr. Kent.

I'm a guest here.

I have something that I think belongs to your husband.

Viola!

- You found it!

- Outside the elevator on my floor.

I, of course, have to admit, Mrs. Collins,

that when I realized it belonged to the husband

of that gorgeous lady I saw out by the pool today,

well, I wasn't going to let some bellhop return it.

Besides, he might've been a little bit too greedy.

- Oh, it was very sweet of you to return it yourself.

Darling?

Darling?

- [Randy] What?

- Mr. Kent found your wallet.

- My wallet?

Well, sir, I certainly thank you for this.

- I hope there's nothing missing.

- No.

Gee, let me tell you, Mr. Kent.

- Oh, please, please, Samuel.

- Samuel.

Hey, I really appreciate this, I mean, not too many people

would go out of their way to do what you did.

You know, make the effort to bring it back intact.

Tell me, sir, what is your favorite restaurant in town?

- Well, I usually dine at a supper club called Le Toile.

- Then that is where we're asking you to dinner tonight.

- (gasping) That's a super idea!

- All right, I'll accept, but on one condition.

That you are both my guests, all right?

- All right (chuckling). - Terrific.

- Seven o'clock tonight in the lobby.

- Okay. - Got a deal!

- All right. - Bye bye.

(door closing)

(piano music)

- Larry's work? - Mm-hmm.

- Well, I guess you could say

that he's the president of a large family mill.

- Try one of those, you'll just love it.

- Oh, it looks good!

But just between you and me, and the champagne,

his kid brother does most of the work.

The dummy loves it!

(Chamberlain laughing)

- And you two, what do you love?

- Traveling.

The world, you name it, we've been there.

I mean, it's fun and educational

and you get to meet the most interesting

and attractive types, like you sir.

- (laughing) Oh, thank you, ma'am.

- But I should say about Larry,

he's very bright in business too, you know,

I mean innately, he likes a good thing.

- Larry, you son of a gun, you.

You certainly did marry an attractive girl.

- Oh, don't I know.

- Well, thank you both, gentlemen.

I'm afraid I've just been telling Samuel

the story of our lives.

- Well, how about you, Sam?

- You mean what do I do?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, I'm on the finance committee of Coast and Southern.

We check out small businesses that seem to be going under,

with our resources we're able to buy them up.

Then we announce the large capital investment

in each of these little businesses,

when the stock goes up, that's when we sell out.

- They're probably setting up the rag gambit right now.

- I'm sure they are.

- Rag gambit.

Uh, hold it, guys.

We lost Katie.

- That's an updated version

of the old big con known as The Store.

See, the crook goes out, he'll tent a store

and will even rent equipment, set it up

to look like a small branch of a large, legit organization.

Then they hire local crooks (phone ringing)

and they'll pay them back as customers.

Yeah?

Pepper?

- Good news, Bill.

I just talked to the doctor,

it was a combination of high blood pressure

and, as you said, aggravation,

but his blood pressure's nearly normal now.

- He's okay then?

- Well, he pinched me twice so far.

- Then he's fine, would you get that old faker outta bed?

- Incidentally, they hope to

be able to send him home tomorrow.

- Okay.

Yeah, yeah, just watch yourself.

- Sure.

Bye bye.

- That was Pepper.

My uncle's okay.

- Oh, that's terrific.

- It's gettin' a little late.

You two got a heavy day tomorrow,

what do you say we all hit the sack?

- Uh, hold it, anxious.

- Give me about 20 minutes.

- Thanks, Crowley.

- What'd I say?

- Where do you think you're going?

- To bed, where else?

- Fine.

I'll take the sofa.

- Well, look, wait a minute.

I, I, I've got a bad back, you see.

- Hey, it's okay.

Like I said, boy takes bed, Jane climbs into sofa tree.

Problem solved.

Case is closed.

(Randy sighing)

- Officer Lindsey.

The bed!

(hands slapping)

- Thank you. - It's okay.

(Randy sighing)

Good night.

- Night.

(Randy sighing)

- So, what do you think of Vice, huh?

- Is that a professional question?

- Considering the circumstances, yeah.

- It's okay.

- Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Well, is that okay okay, or terrific okay, huh?

(Kate sighing)

- Look, if you like busting pimps,

which I do, it's terrific okay.

I'm really tired, Randy.

- Hey, I'm not tired, come on, tell me more, huh?

You, Vice, Vice, you.

What is Vice?

- (sighing) What is Vice, okay.

What is Vice.

Well, you get to meet the most interesting people,

in the most exotic places.

Standing on street corners, sleazy bars,

hanging out of windows, the candy store.

You know, like that.

- Oh, Bunco isn't like that.

Uh-uh.

No, Bunco is people.

Watching people, old people, young people,

some smart, some not so smart,

but all of them vulnerable

and all of them being conned and swindled.

Sometimes their entire lives are broken by crooks,

con artists who can only be caught

by matching a cop's wit against theirs.

So one day I decided to become one of those cops.

You know what I really miss tonight?

- Hm?

- My teddy bear, you know?

Something nice and soft to cuddle up against.

- Good night, Smokey.

- Okay.

- Where are those reports?

Come on.

- Charlie? - Yeah?

- Put this over on table three, will ya,

and make it look nice, that's a boy.

Yeah, that's plant's fine, Annie, thank you.

All right, sweetheart, we gotta get

those dungarees in the back, I think.

Finish this up and let's go.

Larry, please!

Please, I can't have ladders here,

let's go, they're gonna be here any minute.

Ralph, check on it, will ya?

(phone ringing)

- They're coming, they're on their way.

- Okay, all right everybody.

(clapping) Here's where the fun begins, places please!

Just like the old days, let's have a good time.

Okay.

- All right.

- Now, what about that?

I don't buy it. - The plastic's out,

bid is looking good, the plastic's out and...

- Yeah, but we only had a report on them yesterday.

How much was it?

40, what, what was it?

How many?

No, but look, right up there, you can't...

Excuse me.

Oh, wait a minute, thank you!

Hello, friend.

Come on, you're just in time, would you believe it?

- Hello. - Good to see ya.

- Nice to see you. - Madhouse here, forgive me.

I just put $20,000 on Harriet and Spencer Chemical

and I think that might be a good spot for you,

but I think you should go in a little bit smaller.

Would you say, what, $1,000?

- Well, that's fine with me.

- Good.

Charlie, on that Harriet and Spencer,

give me another thousand right away before they change it.

(ticker rumbling) (phone ringing)

- Wow, this is incredible.

- Hey, look, it is incredible!

See that last little clickety-click over there?

I just made myself $40,000,

and you my friend are $2,000 richer right now!

- Samuel, I don't believe this.

- It's true.

- I mean, I'm involved in a business myself

and I'm aware of a few loopholes here and there,

but come on, man, this is a license to steal!

- Larry!

- No, honey, I understand how he feels.

- How come you're laying this on me?

- All right, I'll be honest and pragmatic with you.

I've checked you out, Larry, both of you.

You're my kind of people.

I just happen to like you, that's all.

- And the bottom line is?

- I think that you and I could form

a very healthy and profitable relationship.

I mean, I don't know what the future holds,

financially speaking, but it looks pretty good to me.

- Well, I don't know, it sounds honest enough

and pragmatic enough, but I don't know, I don't know.

- I'll tell you what.

You and I will have dinner again at the hotel,

the three of us, and we'll talk about it.

And if nothing comes of it, fine,

at least I've enjoyed your company, okay?

- Okay.

- Look at her, she's going crazy!

(Chamberlain laughing)

- Sweetheart. - Sweetie, come here.

Charlie, give me something nice,

I don't know, perfume, something good,

the little lady wants to break into the business, come on.

(Kate laughing)

- [Man] One, two, three, four, five, six, is that it?

Okay, there you go, thank you very much.

Okay.

- Yes, may I help you?

- Yeah, we'd like a room please.

Mr. And Mrs. Lawrence Collins.

(ominous music)

- Collins?

And you're from?

- Coos Bay, Oregon.

- What do you mean my husband and I

are being impersonated by two police officers?

Why? - You people have got

a lot of nerve using our name on some kind of a...

- Look, it's not easy to explain.

Now, you see, we were told that you were in Mexico.

As a matter of fact, what are you doing at this hotel?

- Hey, listen, I called my office

and I get a hold of this screwy secretary

who tells me that we can be reached here at this hotel.

- So we hustled right on over here

just to find out who we were.

- You see, it's a little complicated.

Well, we're investigating a confidence racket.

- Racket?

You mean you involved us in a racket?

Oh, Larry! - I'm gonna call my attorney,

and I'm gonna sue everybody

that's involved in this screwy organization!

- Hold it, freshman, you're out of line.

- Randy!

(laughing) Randy Carol!

- Chin up when you address an upperclassman, mister.

- Not for some second-string tailback,

I'm not gonna chin up.

(laughing) How you doing?

- Good seeing you, Larry.

- Hey, what're you doing here, I thought you were a cop.

- I am, and so is she.

- (chuckling) I'm the fake Mrs. Collins.

My name's Kate.

- I must say I'm impressed.

- Randy, would you explain to this guy,

please, what's going on here?

- Uh, yeah, you see, Larry, we needed a cover

and who could be better than my old college roommate?

Everybody always said we look like brothers, right?

I mean, the rich Larry Collins,

who could be a better mark for any conman?

Since you were in Mexico, your brother gave us a go ahead.

- Yeah, so that's why that dingbat said that we were here.

- Sure, now it makes sense. - All right.

- That's right, that's what we told her to say.

- Listen, is there anything we can do?

- Hey, what'd I tell ya, huh?

- Mr. Collins, the best thing you can do

is just disappear as soon as possible.

- All right, to put it bluntly. (laughing)

- Let me take them down to the car, okay?

- Bye! - Bye bye!

- You better debrief that desk clerk.

Thank you very much for your cooperation.

Come right back, Randy, will ya?

That's what I call a close call.

- (scoffing) What do you suppose

the odds are against them showing up here?

- Oh, speaking of odds, Silky make you any money today?

- If this keeps up, I'm gonna retire.

- You're kidding?

With a wad like that,

I'm sure Silky thinks he's got you hooked.

- When do you think he'll pull the string?

- Now the secret is to get the sugar

thoroughly blended in to the rum.

You see, that's what you have to do.

I got that from this Scandinavian chef in Stockholm.

(phone ringing) All right.

Hey, would you get that for me, please, Larry?

Now, what you do is you ladle it very carefully,

you don't wanna put it on there too fast.

- Hello?

- Right even on each one. - Uh, just a minute.

Sam?

You've got a long distance.

- Oh, oh.

All right, wait a minute.

- Miami Beach. - Excuse me a minute.

Yeah, I'll get it. (Kate giggling)

Hello?

Yeah, yeah, this is Mr. Kent.

Oh yeah, put him on, put him on.

Sully, what's up?

Well, they can't do that now!

Look, can't you stall 'em for just a little while?

But listen, you can...

You can block it for one full day, can't ya?

Yes, the whole bundle, a hundred thousand!

I'm buying the lot.

Look, throw him out, I don't care

about Norman or any of his friends!

Right!

(phone slamming)

(Chamberlain sighing)

You heard it.

That's our last chance to make a big killing.

They are taking Atlantic Minerals off the board.

We'll sell out at $50,000.

You'll make 300% net profit on your money.

Are you in?

- Larry!

That much?

And tax free!

And we can't lose, can we, Samuel?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I didn't quite say that.

But I think the odds are stacked

pretty strongly in our favor.

- Larry?

- Sure, why not?

- Heh, of course the money will be marked.

Tell them they'll get it back,

tell them they'll get it back with a nice dividend.

I'm talkin' about Chamberlain!

What other dividend?

Dinner?

Captain, I'll tell you what.

You get me the 50 grand,

I'll spring for dinner at Mazzarino's.

That's right.

Okay, thanks.

Talk about blackmail.

(both chuckling)

Okay, Randy, we can pick the money up

at the airport at 10:30.

- You know, we'll probably end up

with a caseload of worthless certificates.

- Then what?

- Then the important thing is to get out of there.

Now, Chamberlain's gonna have to stay there

to pay off his stooges, so our locals will move in

and they'll grab him with the marked bills.

We got him.

- Yeah, we got Chamberlain.

But how are we gonna get your Uncle Luigi's money back?

- Yeah, well, we're working on that too.

- (coughing) Please, my eyes are getting tired, please.

- Ah, there's just four or five more, Uncle Luigi, come on.

(Uncle Luigi coughing)

- That's him!

That's the fake FBI!

That's the one!

- What, what is it?

- Do you know who that guy was?

- What, who, do you know him?

- Yeah, he busted me on a pigeon drop.

He's a cop!

- Are you positive?

- Cindy swears he's a Bunco cop,

he busted her once.

- Yeah, well, I think we're being

set up for a turn in the slammer!

- Oh, now, gentlemen, gentlemen, let's not panic, shall we?

- Silky, if he's a cop,

the smart thing to do would be to quit now!

- Mm-hmm.

Maybe you're right.

But before we do,

let's just review the bidding, shall we?

First.

Why didn't the cops simply come up here and arrest me?

I'll tell you why, we haven't taken a nickel yet,

they've got nothing on us.

All right.

Second.

Then what are they up to?

Could be a set up, using police money.

But in that case, they'd have to catch us trimming the mark.

In a way, (chuckling) they could be trying to con us.

(chuckling) You know it's funny, gentlemen,

but in this particular venture,

we could end up being the mark (chuckling).

- Yeah, well I don't like it.

- On the other hand, we know that they're police

and they don't know we know, so we have an advantage, right?

All we need is a little switch,

just so the bad guys win in the end.

- 41,000.

42,000.

I promised Silky I'd pick him up in his room.

- Okay, I'll meet you in the lobby.

(tense music) (Chamberlain humming)

- Be with you in just a minute!

Hiya, Larry!

Come on in!

- The New York board in half an hour.

- Oh, we've got nothing but time.

Listen, I'm just gonna get my jacket,

why don't you fix yourself a drink, huh?

- Uh, no thanks.

- [Chamberlain] Okay, then, well fix me one, will ya?

A Scotch would be just fine.

(blow thudding)

(dramatic music)

(knocking)

(Randy groaning)

- Randy!?

Randy, what happened?

(Randy wincing)

- Oh, the money's gone!

- Where's Chamberlain?

- Probably a million miles away by now, I don't know.

(Chamberlain groaning)

- You too, Larry?

Oh no!

(sighing) My money, it's all gone!

- What're you gonna do?

- Operator?

Yes, this is Mr. Kent.

Give me the police.

That's right, the police, right now!

(water splashing)

- [Randy] Why doesn't he split?

- [Bill] No, he's much too cool for that.

It's a lot more fun just to bluff it on.

What're we gonna arrest him for?

And in case we wanna check him out,

he's got some phony front ready for us,

give him enough time to make his move.

- Sure.

- He's so cool with Kate down there, isn't he?

Yet I know he know who we are.

I don't know how he found out, but he found out.

Guess we can't help it now.

- I'd hate to be around when you tell my boss

the city's out 50 grand and we couldn't help it.

- Yeah, Randy, let me tell you something.

I'm in charge of this case

and if any heat comes down I'll take it.

(phone ringing)

Yeah, hello?

Yeah, Pepp, what's up?

- Bill, I've been trying to get you for a couple of hours.

Take a look at your copy of photograph 17.

- Wait a minute, let me get it.

- Take them!

- I took 'em already!

- Not those, the other ones, take two of these.

- These ones? - The yellow ones.

- Yeah, that was, okay, I got it, 17.

- The man marked D for David,

Uncle Luigi says he's the one who posed as the FBI man.

- Is he sure about that?

- Uh, just a minute.

Swallow it, get 'em down.

He's pretty sure, but I think if he saw him in person.

- Pepp, listen, wait a minute,

let me get the flight schedule.

- Well, who's he?

- He's probably the guy that conked you.

- What?

- No, I was talking to Randy.

There's a flight at three o'clock.

Get Pete and Joe and get on it, bring Uncle Luigi with you.

Chamberlain's sitting it out but I don't know for how long.

- Your uncle's up to it, and then some.

- Listen, don't worry,

if Uncle Luigi can pinch, he can walk.

- We'll get there.

- Good, I'll see you later.

- Hey, this is beginning to fit now,

Chamberlain wouldn't keep the money with him.

- [Bill] No, D for David's got it.

(door clicking)

- Well, they brought you in, too?

What, what, what's new?

- Mr. Kent?

- Yes.

- I'm Sergeant Pinkerton

Chester Oliver Pinkerton. - How do you do?

- We spoke on the phone, sir. - Yes.

- If you all would come this way, please.

- You mentioned something,

sergeant, about some developments?

- Yes, sir, we think we've identified

the man who robbed you.

His name is Charles Franklin and he's wanted

for a Bunco fraud in Las Vegas and San Francisco.

- Oh, but this was armed robbery, sergeant,

I understand confidence men avoid that sort of thing.

- Well, as a rule that's true, sir,

but a hundred thousand dollars...

Here we go.

You have to admit is quite a temptation.

This man was spotted hanging around your hotel this morning.

You recognize him?

- Well, there wouldn't really be any way that I could,

he was wearing a handkerchief across his face.

- Well, maybe, you might be able

to identify his voice, then?

- No, 'fraid all I ever heard him do was grunt.

- [Bill] Well, I think you oughta see him in any case.

- You've arrested him?

- No, not yet.

But we've made copies of this picture

for every man on our force and it won't be long.

- Well, I certainly hope so, I'm leaving town tonight.

- Tonight, sir?

- Company business, emergency.

- Mr. Kent, I'm afraid you can't leave tonight, sir,

you're our only witness and we need you.

- Are you asking or ordering, sergeant?

- Well, I hope it doesn't come to that, sir.

But I would like to remind you

that it's your money we're trying to get back.

- Good point.

Very well, I'll change my plans.

You can reach me at the hotel if you need me.

- Thank you very much.

- Would you two like a ride back?

- Uh, no thanks, we have our own car.

- Thanks for coming in.

Well, boys and girls,

this is where the rubber meets the road.

- Jeez, it's about time, I'm starving to death.

- Aw, come on, there's no mustard in that thing!

- At least you got the fries.

(phone ringing)

- Who knows we're here?

- Just the boss.

- Hello?

Ah, Silky.

What!?

Rio?

Come on, we're leaving right away!

Well, look, I'll take the money with me,

we'll split it up down there.

What's the matter, don't you trust me?

Aw, come on, what're you crazy?

Ralph and I can't meet you at the airport!

Look.

Look, don't threaten me, man.

She'll be there.

- Who's she?

- You, baby.

(pensive music)

- [PA] Flight 69, Flight 6 9, for Miami,

now loading in Gate 12.

- Right on time, eh?

Okay, give me the suitcase.

- Hey!

- What's the matter, sweetheart, don't you know me?

- Jeez.

- Well, after all, Mr. Kent was getting a little bit warm.

- Mm-hmm.

- What're you and Chuck gonna be doing?

- Splitting up, meeting in Brazil.

- Uh-huh. - He and Ralph

are taking a later plane. - I see.

- Silky? - Yeah?

- The man at two o'clock.

- Oh.

He might as well be wearing a neon badge.

He has eyes, but does he see?

- (chuckling) See you at the Copacabana.

- You know it, sweetheart.

(Chamberlain humming)

Scuzi.

I beg your pardon.

(Chamberlain chuckling)

Thank you.

- Rio de Janeiro?

- Yeah.

- We'll have to check your passport.

- Oh, everything is in order.

- Mr. Seta.

I'm sorry sir, there's some minor technicalities,

all Latin American passengers have to be checked again.

- Ah, I'll miss my plane!

- It's all right, sir, we'll hold the plane for you,

this will only take a moment.

Right this way please.

This way, please. - Uh-huh.

- Bongiorno, Mr. Seta.

- I don't believe we've met, sir.

What's going on here?

- Cool it, Mr. Chamberlain, we busted your three buddies

and now we're busting you.

You're under arrest.

- Chester Ol...

Chester Oliver Pinkerton?

That's really the name you used?

- Look, I figured there was a little poetic justice to it.

Figure it out, Chester Oliver Pinkerton.

C-O-P, cop, you got it?

- Oh, thank you, teacher, let's get in and celebrate, okay?

- That's why I'm a sergeant.

(everyone cheering)

- Have some cheese. - Brandy?

- Get the wine first, I wanna make a toast.

- Thank you, thank you. - And what about me?

- What about me, it's my deal, no?

- No, we haven't forgotten about you, Luigi,

here's your drink.

- What's this?

- Cream soda, it's delicious.

- Cream soda?

What am I gonna do with a cream soda?

- Doctor's orders, sorry.

- Doctor?

If he was a doctor, he stops a man

from having a glass of wine?

(Bill speaking in Italian)

- Look, I have something that'll make you happy.

Get the envelope.

- Oh, right, yeah.

- [Bill] Give to him.

- Here you go.

- Here you go, Uncle Luigi.

- What is this, an eviction notice?

- Open that, you know what that is,

that's a check for your money.

- Awarded to you by the court from the monies recovered

from Chamberlain and his friends.

- My money!

(everyone laughing)

(upbeat music)

(dramatic action music)

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