Original subtitles

We now return to aliens exist on the history channel.

Personally, I find the thought of alien life offensive and affront to our lord.

You would, man, because you've never met alien life.

- I have and... and it's beautiful. - Huh! This is insane.

This is the truth.

They want to unite us.

- They want to show us the way. - Sir, only god can show us the way.

- With god... - With due respect, sir...

Goddamnit Lulu.

I can't stand this anymore.

- Who is it? - It's me.

Who are you expecting?

Oh, god! Get inside, quick.

- What? - Hortense!

Dude, you weren't expecting her, were you?

God no.

Man, that is one scary lady.

Sometimes she stands at her window and flashes me.

Yeah, that's got to be memorable.

Like a scene from a horror movie.

- Dude, I brought food, too, you know. - I know.

Dude, you're going to make it through this?

Probably not.

- I am so, so, sorry. - Don't go there.

Three months, just three more months.

Do you hear that?

- Tell me you can hear that. - Dude, you're drinking way too much.

I know. This divorce bullshit is driving me crazy.

Plus, being stuck here all day unable to work.

Shut up, Lulu. I'm in a meeting.

I can't even hear myself think with you around.

You got to get yourself together, man.

This just in.

The body of rapper Muhammad mahad pappa was discovered this morning in Hollywood.

Los Angeles police believe pappa was a victim of a gangland-style shooting.

Pappa's main rival spare change sniggy

is considered a person of interest in the investigation.

Stay tuned for more developments.

Up yours, mongo!

Hey, I told you my name was froggy.

Water your garden there, jailbird.

Hello.

Shit, shit, shit.

Hello, Cynthia. Yeah, sorry.

No, I was outside. No, on the property outside.

Shit, I can't stand this anymore.

Were you able to get my restrictions modified?

Are you serious?

I'm sick of having to call my probation officer every time I want to...

Hold on. Someone's at the gate.

Adam. Adam.

Hi, Adam.

Hi.

- Eve. - Eve.

You got to be kidding.

Why?

You know, Adam. Eve. Start of things.

Sorry, do we know each other?

Yeah, we worked together on that crazy video shoot last year in New York.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

You're the one with the little snake tattoo.

That's me.

The little snake.

Sometimes.

- Did I catch you at a bad time? - No, no, sorry.

I'm just so surprised to see you. Come on in.

You're an asshole, froggy.

Are you talking to me?

No, of course, not.

Sometimes words just pop out of my mouth.

I don't have any control over it.

Sounds terrible.

That's not the half of it. Stop it, Lulu. I have a guest.

Okay, I think maybe this was a mistake.

Uh, maybe, I caught you at a bad time, so, I'm just going to get going.

Oh, no, no.

All my temps are bad but now that you're here, it's better.

I told you my name is mongo.

Have a seat.

So, who's Lulu?

Let's not talk about her.

She here?

Not really.

How can she not really be here?

It's hard to explain.

And what is that thing around your ankle?

Uh...

Why are you here, anyway?

Hmm?

I have a favor to ask,

but, first, is there anything left to drink in this place?

- There you go. - Thank you.

Cheers to all of the not reallys in the world!

Oh, my god! I'm not a beer drinker.

Look, I'm sorry but things are a little complicated for me right now, so...

So?

- What's up? - Oh, the usual.

There's a show at the Beverly Hilton,

so I stopped by the agency and they gave me your info.

- They told you I was off the roster? - That you couldn't work.

Did they tell you why?

No, just that you hadn't worked in months, so I was concerned.

We hardly know each other.

What does that have to do with anything?

I can still be concerned about the well-being of a co-worker.

And you have a favor to ask.

My little sister is a huge fan.

Nice to know.

She has your picture on her dorm room wall.

- Really? - Really.

- Which one? - The one.

- The briefs? - Yeah, the famous briefs.

That did cause a stir.

- That was more like an earthquake. - Hey, what can I say?

The world's a funny place.

People get hung up on the littlest things.

Yeah, I don't think, that the word little applies here.

Hey, it's nothing I can take credit for. It just happened.

Luck of the draw.

I'm not so sure the word luck applies here.

Hey, I've always said, you got to play the cards that you're dealt.

And with that piece of philosophy,

I think we've come back full circle to what's up?

I thought, it would surprise her.

Uh, you know how young girls are with their bragging rights and all that stuff.

So, you want a reveal shot?

Just for her.

And her friends because without friends there's no bragging rights, right?

You do realize it'll go around the globe in an hour. Thanks to social media.

No one has to know that it's you. I mean yours.

Adam.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah!

Stop it!

Shit! Cynthia.

Cynthia, I am so sorry.

I was under the impression that you actually cared about resolving your issue.

I do.

Then why am I standing on the other side of this gate like a criminal?

- I'm sorry, Cynthia. - Shush! Why didn't you call me back?

As your attorney I can't help with your situation

if you don't care enough about your freedom to get back to me.

You know I called you every five seconds for 30 minutes.

And why are you standing in the rain in a towel?

I fell asleep.

You fell asleep?

There's just been a lot going on and... And my head's been playing tricks on me.

You would think that you would have had the common courtesy

especially given the fact that you haven't been able to pay me

for months to at least not leave me hanging.

Have you got someone up there?

It's probably from the neighbor's unit.

- Who is that upstairs, Adam? - A model from my agency.

- Oh, it's a model. - She lives in New York,

but when she comes out west, she usually stays with Mickey and me.

She showed up unexpectedly today. Her flight from New York got delayed.

- Bullshit! - Seriously, there was bad weather.

She was very tired when she arrived, so she took a nap in the guest bedroom.

She's probably taking a shower now.

How many models have you got in this place?

- Do you know this man? - No.

- Sorry, ahem, the pepper got to me. - What are you doing in my house?

I'm your wife's therapist

and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to spend the remainder of my life with her.

- Nikki? - I can't live without her.

She's everything a man could desire in a woman.

- That's crazy. - Who are you?

Harry, Harry balls, Dr. Harry balls. Please, don't laugh.

I've had enough of people's smirks and snide chuckles and giggles my entire life.

Wow!

Uh, well, Dr. Balls, before I call the police,

why don't you tell us what you're doing here?

- I... uh... - Nine, one...

- I'm planting evidence. - Evidence?

What kind of evidence?

- A gun. - Why would you do that?

To get you arrested.

I want you out of Nikki's life.

The idea of you in her bed slobbering all over her delicious body.

Dr. Balls, you need help.

So I planted the gun to frame you.

Wait, what gun?

The weapon used to kill Muhammad mahad pappa, the Muslim rapper.

- You shot Muhammad mahad pappa? - No, of course, not.

I purchased the gun from his rival, spare change sniggy.

- You bought the gun from sniggy? - Oh, no, not directly.

Where is it?

In the drawer there.

Whoa!

Don't touch it.

Oh, we have company.

Oh, I see the Princess has recovered from her nap.

Princess?

Uh, Eve, this is my attorney, Cynthia Morgan.

I told her how you just flew in from New York

but were delayed due to bad weather.

Oh, yeah. I got in late.

Apparently, so did Adam, but just in time to witness a felony.

What?

We caught this man planting a gun in an attempt to frame Adam for murder.

Oh, my god!

I'm Harry... Harry balls.

- Dr. Balls? - Yes.

The sex therapist from Beverly Hills.

Well, sex therapy is only one aspect of my practice.

Ugh, Eve Kane, I met with you last year.

Of course, the model with the recurring fantasy of having sex with an alien.

Uh, that was supposed to be privileged information, doctor.

- But under the circumstances... - What circumstances?

I have never witnessed such an utterly satisfying sexual experience

like the one you two had earlier.

You witnessed?

- How? - Such stamina.

So, that's why you're wearing my bathrobe?

Adam told me it belonged to his soon-to-be ex.

You fucked him and I can still smell it on you.

How can that be? I just showered.

You lying bastard. She's no model from New York.

Yes, I am. Upper West Side.

- Get yourself a new lawyer, slime ball. - What about my petition?

Oh, here's to your petition!

Yeah, you can keep that ankle bracelet on forever for all I care.

I'm done with you.

In fact, I'll petition the court for an extension for bad behavior.

And you can keep the robe, slut.

She just called me a slut.

Don't worry about her. She's upset.

Huh, I just messed up your whole situation.

It was worth it.

Based on my observations, I have to agree.

Shut up.

Da's office.

I've got a lead on the Muhammad mahad pappa murder.

- Hey. - Hey.

Sorry, but I got to get back to town.

I have a really early shoot tomorrow and then I'm off to Paris for a few days.

I understand. I'll see you out.

- Yeah. - Nice to see you again, Eve.

Thanks, doctor.

I hope that you two are able to work out your... shall we call them problems?

Oh, and I really like your little snake.

What'd you think of the big one?

Awesome. Really, awesome.

Okay, let's go.

- Thank you. - Pleasure was all mine.

As for the photo, you have made me the hero in at least one girl's room.

Keep your identity secret,

otherwise you might find yourself famous around the globe

and for more than just your modeling.

You are an egomaniac.

Come back.

You couldn't keep me away.

- Go. - I'll be back.

Okay, Arnold.

I'll be waiting.

I hate it when you do that.

That thing you do with your tongue every time I'm making out.

- You talking to me? - No, I'm not talking to you.

What's wrong?

- I lied. - What do you mean?

I was supposed to kill you.

What?

Shoot you through the head, put a gun in your hand...

Make it look like a suicide.

Yeah.

I just couldn't do it.

- Because the doorbell rang? - No. It's...

Now, she's never going to let me back into her life.

And that's what's bothering you?

What about me? I could be dead right now.

I could never have actually killed you.

She had me under her spell, hypnotized by her allure.

Her smell alone would drive me crazy.

I'm sorry.

Look, Harry, trust me, you were never in her life.

- Why would she want me dead? - For the insurance.

What insurance?

The five-million-dollar policy.

But that wouldn't pay in the event of a suicide.

It would after three years and yesterday was three years.

- The bitch! - Yeah, I know. It's terrible.

She told me we'd run off together to the south pacific,

lay on the beach, eat fruit from the trees.

- You would have ended up dead, too. - You think?

Ugh, how could I have been so stupid?

That's what happens when you let your little head do your thinking for you.

You need to get yourself together.

We need to figure out what to do.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

We have to work something out.

Why are you talking with your back to me?

- This is not working for me. - For me, either.

I can't stand this anymore, Lulu.

- Who's Lulu? - A goddamn ghost.

A ghost?

Yeah, she was murdered upstairs before I moved in.

- Murdered? - Yes.

- Upstairs? - Upstairs. She sings to me.

- Sings to you? - She was a rising opera star.

- Opera? - Yeah, opera.

- Drives me crazy and she knows it. - She does?

Her spirit has never left. It's like she enjoys taunting me.

She pops up at the most inopportune times like when I'm in bed with someone.

She smiles at me, flashes her boobs, does sick things with her tongue.

- Sounds terrible. - Yeah, she's a real pain in the ass.

I got a plan. A brilliant plan.

Hide this and do exactly as I tell you.

No distractions. Understood?

Look, you don't have to keep supplying me with groceries.

- If not me, then who? - That's not the point.

That's exactly the point. You don't have any money.

You can't leave. All you have is that opera singer.

Stop it.

I think, that'll cause severe weight loss,

so, tonight you're having food with the alcohol and I'm cooking.

So, I'm standing there with Cynthia who was pissed

because I didn't call her back, talking to this guy that Nikki sent to kill me...

Whoa, what?

And Eve comes walking into the room towel drying her hair.

Who's Eve?

A goddess and she's wearing Cynthia's bathrobe.

- Oh-oh! - No shit, oh-oh.

You know, I... hold on.

I thought you might be lonely all by yourself.

I guess now, you won't be needing this.

This my friend, is an authentic Sasha grey deep throat stroker.

Yes!

- Good god! - Good god is right.

It comes with a screaming vibrating cock ring and organic lubricant.

Yeah.

But since you have your goddess, you won't be needing this. Give me that.

What I need is to get out of here.

I told you, I spoke to some brothers and, uh, there's a guy.

It's too risky.

Next step after being locked up

here in my own place is being locked up in a place with bars

and you visiting me on sundays.

I can do Saturdays too, depending on how far away they send you.

I need my life back and I need a new attorney.

I'll do what I can.

- Do you want to know what you can do? - Of course, I do.

Stop feeling guilty.

And how exactly do you expect me to do that?

Just do it.

You didn't slip that package in my bag to hurt me.

You know I didn't.

You did it 'cause you thought I'd come across the border without a hitch.

- Yeah, you were white. - Still I am.

- Such a known face. - Somewhat known.

- It should have been easy. - And you needed the money.

Fucking desperately.

It's not a hard thing, it's a... It's a... it's ecstasy, man.

It's a feel-good thing.

You know, they're even thinking about like legalizing it now.

It's over.

You're still my best friend, so start acting like it never happened.

This ain't right, man.

What ain't right?

You acting like Mother Teresa

instead of some guy whose life has been turned upside down over something I did.

Something selfish and stupid.

It's all good, man.

Everything happens for a reason.

Ta-da!

Thanks for not singing.

What about it?

Oh!

Cool.

Jesus!

Who could that be?

Can I help you?

I'm Watson. This is officer Hopkins.

It's the middle of the night.

- What could I do for you? - Can we come in?

I would prefer you come back during the day.

It would be best if you let us in. It'll only take a minute.

- I'm not in any more trouble, am I? - We're not sure yet.

Come in.

We received an anonymous tip.

- About a gun? - And drugs.

Something I understand you have some experience with.

Hey, I don't use this stuff, never have.

Beer drinker myself I prefer getting high the old-fashioned way.

I could care less.

You know that tip probably came from my ex-attorney.

We had an argument.

This is obviously her way of getting back at me.

You don't mind if we look around, do you?

Go ahead. Look all you want.

So, you're working late.

Can I offer you a beer?

I could make you guys some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

What's this?

It's not a gun.

Don't be a smartass. We can plant one if you prefer.

It's a novel, my first.

I can't leave the house. I can't work.

I have a lot of time on my hands, so I started dabbling in writing.

What's this title, "truth of x?"

One of my hobbies is collecting info on ufos.

I thought, it would make for a good story.

Really?

You believe in that shit?

It's hard to say.

There's some evidence that we're not alone and haven't been.

I mean it just seems to make sense that we're not the beginning and the end.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me give you some advice,

you should go to church instead of filling your head with that nonsense.

Yeah, I really wish I could, but, uh, I can't.

You're a smartass and a felon.

The federal government is not an organization you want to mess with.

Believe me, prison would be the least of your concerns.

I'd be careful if I were you.

Yeah, on that note, we're done here.

Be careful.

Just keep saying that to yourself over and over again, careful.

Careful. Careful.

Careful.

I'ma see what you got, big boy.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

Whoo, ah!

Whoo, whoo, he-haw!

In your time of need, I'm glad you reached out for Harry balls.

Sorry that I missed your call. Leave a message after the beep.

I'll say you're sorry. You're a sorry son of a bitch.

Where are you?

I've been trying to reach your sorry ass for the last two hours.

Is that loser dead yet? He better be.

Oh, this is Nikki by the way. Call me back.

Coming.

Hold on.

What's your hurry?

Oh, my god!

Hey, Adam.

Eve, what are you...?

- I thought... - I canceled.

Paris?

Paris, everything.

I couldn't stop thinking about you, about...

Me too.

I laid in bed tossing and turning.

Oh, Adam! Adam.

What's that?

My obsession.

Or should I say my other obsession.

I do love flattery.

And this?

I have a passion for things extraterrestrial.

So do I.

But then again, you know that thanks to the good doctor's big mouth.

So, we really do have a lot in common.

Curious.

Scary.

What's wrong?

What?

- It's a long story. - Tell me.

But first, coffee, food.

I'm drained.

You're not the only one who's drained.

This townhouse has a tragic history.

How so?

It's haunted.

You got to be kidding.

No, really.

There's an annoying ghost who lives here.

So cool.

- You can see her now, can't you? - Yes.

She was murdered here.

The previous owner of this house was a scientist

involved in highly classified work with the government.

He and Lulu were lovers.

Ah! What the hell.

She's very talented.

An opera singer.

She sings to me.

What happened?

One day they were assassinated in the bedroom upstairs.

I didn't know any of this when I bought the place and then...

- Don't they have to disclose that? - I guess not.

He didn't have any heirs.

I bought it from the court, complete with all this furniture and stuff.

Including Lulu.

Yeah, including Lulu.

One day I was in the storage room downstairs

trying to get myself organized...

When I looked up and saw this door that I quite honestly hadn't noticed before.

Curious, I went to it...

And when I opened it, I was shocked to see...

Lulu.

I thought, I was going to have a heart attack.

I can't even imagine what that must have been like.

- That wasn't all. - What do you mean?

She wanted me to follow her under the house.

She pointed at a light, a glow off in the corner.

She was leading me towards something, watching from the other side of the room.

I navigated in the darkness without knowing why.

It was as if I didn't have any control over my actions.

What was it, the glow in the corner?

A package, it came from the lab where the previous owner was working.

I glanced over at Lulu looking for answers.

And then she was gone.

Just like now.

What was in the package?

- Documents. - Documents?

Top secret documents giving details of the examination of an alien spacecraft.

What?

And, look, I shouldn't be telling you this.

- Why? - Because it might put you in danger.

I believe it was the motive behind the murders.

I don't care. I want to know.

- There was information on a treaty. - A treaty?

Signed by president eisenhower.

Between who?

- The United States and... - And who?

Aliens.

I fucking knew it.

Give me a sec.

- Hello. - Adam, it's me Harry.

What's the matter, Harry?

- I didn't get very far. - Why? What happened?

I was abducted and raped by the most marvelous woman.

You were abducted and raped?

Yes, and it was everything a good rape fantasy should be.

Harry, you are so sick!

Seriously, Adam,

it... it was far more satisfying than anything I ever had with Nikki.

For the last time, Harry, you never had anything with Nikki.

Who raped you?

- Your neighbor, hortense Bailey. - My god!

You're telling me the big bush Bailey raped you and that you enjoyed it?

I got off like a Roman candle.

- Oh, Jesus! - Oh, my god!

Oh, that feels so good.

Give me a break, Lulu. What about the plan?

Adam, I want to thank you.

I am a changed man now.

Harry, the plan? What about the plan? I can't hear a damn thing, Lulu.

I'm sorry to yell at you.

I realize you're terribly lonely, but please work with me, here.

Adam. Adam.

- Yeah, Harry? - Is that Lulu again?

Don't worry yourself about that now just deal with the plan.

Don't worry about it. I've got it covered.

The plan is happening.

I heard the bell.

Could've waited till I got to you.

Why?

Because it's my house and you don't know, what or who you might be walking in on.

I got very little sleep.

Mm.

Eve came back for a visit.

Bro, you still living in that fantasy world?

Look this sweet thing is calling you and it's real.

What's real?

Ooh!

- Yum. - Yeah.

Hi. I'm Eve.

- Um, hi, I'm, uh... - What's that?

Uh, a stupid toy.

It looks ghastly. What do you do with it?

This is Rob. Rob's a skeptic.

He thinks people like me are delusional and have trouble telling the truth.

What he means to say is, "hi, I'm Rob,

his best friend and also responsible for his current circumstance."

- That's enough, best friend. - Hi, Rob.

So, would you like to tell me more

about Adam's current circumstance?

Do you know, it's a pleasure to meet you?

- Adam has told me so much about you. - He has?

- None of which he believed. - That's not my fault.

That's not my fault.

- Has he told you about Lulu? - Yeah.

Yeah, so you can understand why I'm skeptical.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- I'm real. - Yeah, all right.

So, hmm.

It's time I tell you both about the plan.

Harry, you son of a bitch! Where have you been?

I've been trying you non-stop.

- I can't explain at all... - Shut up!

- Did you do it? Is it done? - Yes.

I shot him in the head. It's like you said...

Fantastic.

- Harry, you're the best. - It was awful.

- Blood was everywhere. - Oh, wonderful!

I can't tell you how happy you've made me

and what a big surprise I have in store for you the next time we're together.

- Hello. - It's Harry. I told her.

- So? - Exactly what you said.

And?

She's on her way.

We don't have much time.

Heads up. She's here.

Adam.

Yes!

You brought this on yourself, you know.

Did you really think I would stand for you not making good on your promise?

The deal was never that I would go wanting.

You're stuck here, broke, because of stupidity.

What was I supposed to do?

Work?

It's a good thing I had the foresight to protect myself with that insurance policy.

Now at least, you'll be able to support my needs like you promised,

and for that I thank you.

I've always appreciated a man of his word.

Good job. Good on you.

I loved her.

She was afraid of everything, even life itself.

She thought it might be the answer, but...

She could never find joy, no matter what.

It was always just out of reach.

She's cursed and I weep for her...

And...

I forgive her.

That ass though.

- Hey, guys. - Did she buy it?

Sure did.

Thank you, Harry.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, I can't thank you enough.

Finally, I can relax.

It's like the tensions have been lifted

and I feel like my old self again for the first time in a long time.

I can only imagine. It's been what, three months?

Watch the sarcasm, Harry.

Don't turn this joyous moment into shit for me.

- Sorry. You know I'd do anything for you. - That's better.

You do want to stay on my good side, don't you, Harry?

- My giving side. - Yes, of course.

Okay.

Okay, here's what I want you to do. Find a pay phone.

Call the police and tell them you heard

what sounded like a gunshot coming from Adam's townhouse.

- Can you do that for me, Harry? - Yes, of course.

Will you call me as soon as you think it's safe?

I will.

It won't be long and we'll be off to start our new life together in Tahiti.

Yes!

I can't wait to see...

This is impressive and I love the title.

In order for us to continue to have a trusting relationship...

Yeah 'cause it's been like what, 24 hours already?

- Stay out of this and cook. - Oh, yes, sir, yes, sir!

Mr. Adam sir.

As I was saying...

We need to be completely honest with each other

and I need to know you'll keep my private life private.

Of course.

So no talk about the package or my aliens?

- Your aliens? - You know what I mean.

It's uncanny.

This book is so authentic and real, the characters, it's as if you knew them.

What if I told you that they were fiction and authentic at the same time?

And what if I told you that lunch was ready?

I wouldn't be surprised.

What did he tell you before?

- About? - About the package.

I saw that.

Wha... Adam's package is no secret, all right? It's known far and wide, so...

So, let's forget about it and eat.

I heard what you said before. I'm your oldest friend, man.

I'm your oldest friend and I don't know anything about any other package.

What is it?

More guns, drugs, tell me it's not drugs. Tell me something.

That really pisses me off.

- Hello. - It's Harry. I've got the gun.

- I know where the car is. - Okay.

- This needs to be published. - No way!

- It'll be a bestseller. - Not interested.

- But we could do... - Look, it's too dangerous.

People have a right to know.

The powers that be are afraid it'll freak them out,

change everything they believe in.

The truth is not negotiable.

- I know, but... - But what?

Look, I'm not even a writer.

I only did it because I had nothing else to do.

It just sort of wrote itself.

Yeah, but everything happens for a reason.

I know this publisher.

- I think he could... - No.

You can't just run away from this like it never happened.

- Stay out of this. - What?

- Not you. - She agrees, doesn't she?

Yes.

So this publisher he specializes in this kind of stuff.

Area 51, paranormal, ghost stories.

- I do know a thing or two about ghosts. - Let's go see him.

I can't, remember.

- Tell him to come here. - He won't.

He's in palm Springs. He's a big shot. He's not just going to come here.

Oh, too bad then.

But he needs to meet you and hear your story.

He would love this. He would do it for sure.

What part of, I'm under house arrest. Don't you understand?

I'm willing to bet that that's why you're here.

- The bracelet? - No, here.

You guys are going to get us killed.

One of us is already dead.

This homicide?

Never mind who I am.

Just tell them if they want the weapon used in the murder

of Muhammad mahad pappa,

look in the trunk of a car parked on Fiji way in the Marina.

California license plate 2-4-0.

- Hey, Rob. - Yeah.

Um, you know that guy you told me about?

- What guy? - About the bracelet.

Yeah, you told me it's too risky. Remember?

You know, locked up behind bars, visiting me on sundays.

Hey, you said you might be able to come on Saturdays, too.

Look, I need 24 hours. It's important.

It's about that package, right?

You know that package you won't tell your best friend anything about.

Look, as soon as I get this thing cleared up, I'll tell you everything.

For the moment it's better that you're in the dark.

It's safer. So, just leave it at that.

I need your help on this.

- You sure? - Yes, I'm sure.

All right. His name is Jesus.

- Jesus? - Yeah, Jesus.

- Well, what did he say? - That it was possible.

What do you think?

Well, if he could walk on water

then I guess he can get you out of the ankle bracelet, right?

- Funny, very funny. - I'll call him.

Just don't be put off by his appearance.

Oh, boy!

Jesus?

God blesses you.

Cool. Come on in.

Hey.

Hey, back at you.

- Is she okay? - Oh, yeah. A true believer.

Hmm.

So, what can Jesus do for you?

Can you get me out of this thing without setting off alarms?

Oosh, hmm.

That'll take a miracle, but I do miracles for a living.

Uh, excuse me for asking, but who are you?

Oh, I... I'm Jesus, the son of god.

Of course.

- God Alvarez is my father. - You're kidding.

- Your father's name is god? - Exactly.

And since you seemed so interested in my credentials,

I started off as a commercial fisherman of Catalina.

Naturally.

But then I followed in on my father's footsteps and I became a locksmith.

Ah, a natural progression.

We run a small place on Benny's boulevard.

It's called the Jesus and god locksmith shop.

- So, a family operation. - Yes, yes, yes.

I have a younger brother named Moses.

Oh, my god. This is just too good.

And an older brother named Judah. We get a lot of West Side Jewish business.

I bet.

Sorry for all the questions, but how do you know about ankle bracelets?

You're not a true believer and your friend here is a cynic.

Oh, now this is not a good environment for me to do what you need me to do.

Don't take it personally.

- We're just trying to understand. - I wore one myself for a while.

For what?

Turning water into wine without a liquor license?

You see what I mean? You see what I mean? What's her profession anyways, huh?

- Beautiful stand-up comedian? - She doesn't mean anything by it.

It was a minor, minor, smuggling charge.

A lovely herb god would have smoked himself.

Anyway, it kept me ashore for enough time

with nothing to do but contemplate on that bracelet and after a while he came to me.

He whispered in my ear, the kind of whisper that we all wait and pray for,

the one that leads us to be a novo.

From the TV to the computer, to the cell phone, to the moon and beyond,

let's just say I grew to understand how it all works.

How?

Ah, now that is a miracle that I referred to earlier.

- And I'm sure it doesn't come cheap. - Oh, there she goes again.

Miracles never do.

So dropping the philosophizing for a minute, what are we talking about here?

- Cash. - Yes, how much?

How much you got?

The atm daily limit is $600.

I can do that.

But...

You need to provide a leg.

- A leg? - To transfer the bracelet to.

A living human leg.

Wh... why does it have to be a living human leg?

Because the bracelet has to be in contact with living human flesh, yes?

Or the device will send out a default message

and your boyfriend's ass will be grass.

The miracle will be reversed

and your boyfriend will be crucified and Jesus won't be able to save him.

You got it? Si, bueno.

Now you have no idea what some of my clients have come up with.

I've heard suggested everything from using a pig to a horse to everything in between.

Where are we going to find a living human leg?

- I don't know. - A prayer is always helpful.

Harry balls.

Well, that's a new one.

I suppose it could work, but an ankle is better though.

What is this shit about my man getting a tag on his leg?

He owes me.

He tried to set me up for a crime I didn't commit.

That's not true. I was supposed to kill you.

There, even more to my point.

Look, I've apologized.

I'll do whatever I can to help,

but I can't be tied down to this place like some sort of criminal.

- Harry, it's one day. - I'm claustrophobic.

I need space, freedom to roam.

The idea of wearing that thing is... It makes me sick.

How do you think the idea of you coming here to murder me makes me feel?

Murder? Oh, god!

- For real? - I couldn't do it.

Just the thought of you coming here to off me.

Well, since obviously you guys have many issues

and can get your shit together,

I will be now getting on with god's work.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. That's what you came here to do, so.

I'll take your place, honey poo.

Oh, you'd do that for me, sweet pea?

Anything. You're my squeeze, my man. As long as I'm getting paid.

Okay, what are we talking here?

My services could be calculated from an hour, day, week.

One day.

Perks?

- Perks? - Extras.

Like?

Pizza.

Oh, my god! All you can eat.

- Porn. - Oh, lord.

- All that you can handle. - And 500 big ones under the table.

Deal.

I can never thank you enough for this.

Yes, you can.

- Jesus is ready. - Hortense is ready.

I'm ready, too.

Listen up. Now, this miracle requires a great focus, a great concentration.

You, hortense, on the couch. Go on.

- And you Adam, on her lap. - What?

It is critical that your flesh is right next to each other.

All right...

Lap it is.

Now, bring your ankles right next to each other as close as you can.

Oh, if you was my man,

I'd be sure that you put some meat on these rippling muscles.

Well, he's not your man,

so why don't you stick to the task that you're being paid to do.

Yeah, yeah.

You better be careful with that one 'cause she's a fiery little something.

Now, the contact must be maintained in order for the miracle to work.

- How is this... - Shh!

No talking.

Breathe, easily.

See the miracle happen deep, deep, in your beings.

Pray! Thank you.

Praise the lord!

It is done. It is done.

Strange how things happen.

I know, it's like a trip.

Like a road map marked with stops and places to see and things...

You're supposed to say, what things?

I know.

- Yesterday none of this... - Yesterday was yesterday.

The truth be told, I knew it would come to this.

- How? - I don't know.

I just did.

Oh, they're leaving.

Hey, we just heard that Nikki has been arrested as an accessory for murder.

- You should be very happy. - Yeah, ecstatic.

And I hope you didn't forget to make that pizza order.

It's done.

Give me a minute.

Where is it?

Thank you.

Here it is.

- Open it. - Me?

Yeah.

This is it, the source.

Years of study and communication with alien beings

and no one has been allowed to know about.

But why?

Fear that anarchy would prevail.

That people wouldn't be able to deal with it.

That it would upset all of their beliefs about who and what they were. Are.

And that the powers that be would lose control.

Exactly.

A weakness of power, a fear of losing control.

Let's get this thing published and change the world.

What do we do?

Son of a...

Follow me.

Oh, shit!

Who the hell are you?

Shut up! Where are they?

We're just house-sitting.

That's what you call what you were doing?

They're not here, went to palm Springs.

They never got there. They never left the house.

Not up there.

You got a warrant?

Shut up, fatty.

I'd be surprised if you could even read it.

- That's pejorative. - What?

And against my civil rights.

Like I said, you got a warrant?

Yeah, right here.

- Are you expecting someone? - No.

Did you order pizza?

Yes, it's here?

- What's going on? - Pepperoni and pineapples.

That sounds disgusting. Get rid of them.

It's paid for and I'm hungry.

I was just about to leave.

Well, good thing for you, you didn't.

What?

I do this for a living. It's how I support my wife and kids.

- You got kids? - Yeah.

Hold on.

You boys, you need to come up with a couple for the delivery dude.

I'm broke.

Look, he ain't leaving till he gets some.

Two broke misfits.

He got kids.

Here you go.

- Wow! - Don't spend it all in one place.

What are you talking about?

This is the down payment on my next house.

Don't be a smart ass. No one likes a smart ass.

Who wants a piece?

- Close it. - It'll get cold.

Yeah, so will you if you don't smarten up.

Don't threaten her. She's the love of my life.

Listen, sicky.

- Did they get out before we came in? - No.

Then they're downstairs somewhere.

It's like a game of hide-and-seek.

And you're about to go to prison where you will be hidden for a very long time.

Is she always so uptight?

Nice try.

I should shoot you both just for bringing me down into that shithole.

Be honest, you've loved it.

Well, not as much as you're going to love being mauled

by butch chicks in the federal pen

until that pretty little face of yours gets ugly with wrinkles.

- Is that it? - Yes.

- Finally! - I know.

- I can't believe it. - The recognition, the honors.

The raises, the promotions.

Tosca, la boheme,

madame butterfly, this... These are all operas.

Where are they, you bastard?

Let him go, you're hurting him.

Where are they?

Why you were not happy?

- What the...? - Time is up.

Hold it for the Patience for the few against truth to go away.

That's some fancy ventriloquism.

- You have no idea. - Play your games.

This is all the evidence we need.

You see? It is.

And what is can only be denied at your own peril.

Th... th... this is too weird. I'm going to call in for backup.

Before you do that there's something you should see.

Take a look at the screen.

- Oh, my god! - That's us.

I love you, Simone.

You murdered two innocent people in cold blood.

We were ordered to stop this at any cost.

You failed.

I suggest you two leave and forget you were ever here,

if you want your dirty little secret to remain a dirty little secret.

Now, get out of here.

Take your crappy, little ears with you.

It's scary.

They're supposed to be the good guys.

I'll be right back.

You know, sometimes, I think that one can see ghosts.

Thank you.

It was my pleasure.

- You speak? - I do.

- I wish I had known. - My whispering?

I never really heard words.

I somehow just always knew what you're saying.

And did I hear him call you Simone?

That was the name I went by, my earth name.

Lulu is my other name.

But I was the one who named you Lulu.

I know you think you did.

I don't understand.

You will.

You're new to this and look at what you've accomplished.

The information you received

has been trying to get out for more than six decades...

And you were the one to actually make it happen.

Soon your book will be read by everyone and the next step can finally be taken.

And that is?

You know.

It's time for me to leave.

Protect the original documents in the package.

I will.

When will I see you again?

Remember, there is no past and future, it's all the same.

If thing's had been different.

I know.

Thank you.

I wanted to do that since you were sent here.

- I was sent here? - Of course.

Everything that has happened has been part of a master plan...

For all of us, part of our destiny.

Will I ever see you again?

Always.

So, it's true.

- What? - You're one of them.

Takes one to know one.

By the power vested in me by the great state of California

and the west la small business association,

I now pronounce you, woman and husband.

You may kiss the bri...

You can't do this. You're a locksmith.

Hey, as god as a witness, this marriage is for real.

That's right, my son.

In venice, anything can happen and usually does.

Yes, yes. Now kiss.

We got to get you two in bed as soon as possible.

Shut up, Lulu.

I'm in a meeting. I can't even hear myself... pfft.

I'm your wife's therapist

and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to spend the remainder of my life with her.

There she is now.

I'm sorry, don't know it...

- Sorry. - I'm sorry.

- Don't laugh. - You can laugh.

- You can't laugh. - All right.

Whoo-ha!

Did you? It was a horse. I can't.

I did say cut, didn't I? She just keeps going.

- Are we cut? - It's near cut.

- I know this publisher. He can help us... - No!

You can't just run away from this like it never happened.

Ha, ha. No, I see Lulu behind you. Yeah, so that doesn't work.

Marker.

I saw that.

Look, look, pack it. Adam's fucking... Let's do it again.

- Too much space. - Were you puckering up?

See the miracle happen deep, deep, in your being.

Okay, come on guys, please. You're not in it. Get out. Get out.

Get out, you're not in this.