Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Hi, guys!

It's me, Abbie Rose.

And today we're gonna be talking

about a new trend that I love.

Florals, sparkles, fur!

A female Nutrocon employee settled out of court today.

Ending the last of six lawsuits

filed against the cosmetic giant

over sexual misconduct in the workplace.

Nutrocon stock continues to ex-ex-explode!

The company executes its growth strategy by acquisition,

buying four companies this week.

Hi guys, I wanted to show you all

a behind the scenes look at Studio Abbie Rose.

In the beginning, I did this all myself,

but when you have so many fans

it is just impossible to keep up.

So I have my amazing team of interns

who help with my content

at Le house of Abbie.

Hello?

Oh my God. It's really you.

Hi!

You must be the new girl.

Trendygirl something, right?

99, Trendygirl99.

I have liked, like, every single one of your posts

and I'm usually one of the first people to comment too.

Right!

Come in and meet the team.

Use the smudge tool, not the blur.

And fix that unevenness in my cheek right there.

I am never using that photographer again.

So, the team comes in every Wednesday

from noon until around 6:00.

Once a week isn't usually enough.

So you all get weekly assignments to do remotely

on your free time, of course.

That's so cool.

Abbie, can we take our lunch break now?

Uh, yeah, sure.

There's sandwiches for you in the fridge.

Why are you using that photo?

The lighting is so inconsistent!

This is a brand you're working with here.

I am a brand now!

If a single post doesn't fit,

that could be the end of all of this!

Oh, no.

It is crazy the kind of influence you have

when everyone knows who you are.

So did you have any questions?

Um, yeah, the post didn't mention

if there was any pay.

Oh, uh,

yeah, this is an unpaid internship.

Okay.

But there is room for growth.

I have been thinking about hiring

a full-time assistant.

I've just been giving it a little bit of time

to decide who on the team really fits my je ne sais quoi.

Okay, awesome!

Oh, okay.

Well, welcome to the team.

Sorry.

What was your name?

It's-

- Abbie?

There's only ham sandwiches here.

Some of us are vegan, remember?

Can't you just take the meat out?

There's veggies on there too

and cheese!

Everyone loves cheese.

Cheese is murder.

How are you guys so picky?

What the hell?

I can't believe you turned down a Nutrocon deal.

It's not about the money.

Oh, right.

It's about the artistic integrity.

Well, the whole reason I started doing this

was so I wouldn't have to work a 9:00 to 5:00.

It was hard at first,

but I think I finally figured out

a way to make it work for me.

At first?

You just said you couldn't go out

because money's tight.

I have interns to feed.

And have you seen how much they charge

for an avocado these days?

Well, you know who just got a Nutrocon deal?

LisaXoX and she just made another post

about how you copied her summer trends video.

Oh, that bitch is just trying to get me

to make some sappy apology video.

Oh, I fucking hate that bitch.

And maybe you should.

It would get so many views

'cause she's like a full blown celebrity now,

not just some influencer vlogger.

No offense.

You need to engage in the drama.

Like what's the point of having so many followers

if you don't do something big like-

- Okay! Whatever.

There are way more important things going on in the world

than some stupid feud between me and Lisa.

Oh, it's them again.

Answer it!

All right!

Jeez.

All right, Skylar.

I'll talk to you later.

Milk 'em dry, girl.

Milk 'em dry!

Abbie, it's Brad,

one of the executives at Digital Famous Media.

Hi.

Yeah, I remember you from the meeting.

My assistant Taylor told me

about your conversation yesterday

and I just wanted to reach out personally.

He did mention the offer was for 200 grand, right?

Nutrocon wants you all over this new line

with multiple posts a day on different platforms,

a couple of events a week, and there's nine

- countries to be- - Look.

I don't wanna come off as being ungrateful or anything,

and you guys have been getting me great campaigns,

but I just feel like

I'm being a bit low-balled here.

- Low-balled? - By the time I'm done,

75K goes to taxes.

I have a monthly mortgage on a house,

six interns I have to feed,

and a shit ton of freelancers to pay.

Abbie, I'm gonna lay this out

and you're gonna shut up and listen.

Then you can decide to take it or leave it.

The only reason we're not passing the sale

on to the next girl in our list of 400 influencers

is because we've already invested years of our time

into making your name big enough

to even get an offer like this,

because that's what we do.

The point of all this is to make you a household name,

a trusted name,

a name that sells.

If you don't want that,

then we can't work with you anymore.

Uh, no I'm-

- You're how old now?

29?

How much longer can you keep running your brand like this?

People wanna party where you party

in the clubs, in the clothes you party in.

People want what is hot now.

Do you wanna go all the way

and secure your future in this industry

or do you wanna just get a real job?

Okay.

I knew you'd come around.

But I want 500,000.

Both my channel and my photo posts

have over 1 million followers each

with an over 6% engagement rate, okay?

These are loyal consumers,

not just people flipping through a magazine, okay?

So I want 500,000.

300.

And if you think you're gonna get more than that, you're out

- of your goddamn mind. - 400,000 and I will

shove that makeup so far down their throats

they will be gagging for weeks.

That's why we love you, Abbie.

We're totally going to send you

to a rave on an island for this.

Oh, can you get a pic of me with these earrings?

The brand just paid me to tag them in a post.

They're so hot.

You can have them.

I only wear genuine silver.

Everything else hurts my ear holes.

Oh, shit.

There's this girl I've been texting.

She tryin' to smash, bro.

- Is that her? - Yeah.

Yo, Abbie!

Oh, shit, shit.

It's Justin.

Why won't this guy just leave me alone?

His friend though.

Oh my God.

- Yo Abbie. What's up? - Oh, hey, Justin.

So glad to run into you.

Hey Skylar, this is my buddy Juaquin.

Hi, Juaquin.

Hey, let's take a selfie.

Oh.

Yeah, you look so good.

Hey, I got some bomb ass coke and a booth.

Let's hit it.

I'm gonna need another one of these, please.

Abbie!

Oh my God, I actually found you.

I was in the area and then I saw your post

and I thought it'd be cool to come and try and find you!

Oh my god, that's so funny.

I love your outfit.

It looks a lot like mine.

Uh, look, sorry.

I'm actually with some people over there

and it's their table, not mine.

So I can't really just like invite just anyone over there.

So I'm gonna have to go.

But it was so nice of you to come and say hi

and I will see you next week.

Okay.

Oh.

Okay.

Yo, this place sucks balls

and not in the good way.

Ew.

Let's go back to my place.

I gotta call it a night.

I have work to do.

Oh, come on.

Yeah, come on.

Sorry, guys.

You know I have my weekly vlog upload on Wednesdays

and it's almost midnight.

My place isn't even that far.

Just come for a little bit.

It's not like you gotta be anywhere in the morning.

Uh, what does that mean?

I work my ass off, okay?

Talk to me after you've spent 72 hours

editing a video on suspenders.

Okay, just sleep it off, okay?

Well maybe I'm not that tired.

Well, maybe I am.

Well, then we can just cuddle.

How about next time?

Mm, never.

Or when you least expect it.

Okay, get off, asshole.

She's probably on her period.

I swear to God, Justin,

I will mace the shit out of you!

Guys?

This isn't funny.

What?

You are not alone.

Don't fucking scream.

That was easy.

Speak for yourself.

She just kneed me in the dick.

God, I get so tingly down there

whenever an assignment starts, don't you?

Only when I watch Marie Kondo tutorials online.

Yeah, I don't watch that shit.

Who chose these anyways?

A little on the nose, don't you think?

What the hell, Five?

Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself.

These things are just too creepy.

What are you doing out here?

Aren't you supposed to be in there helping Three?

She's fine.

She can hold down the fort.

She knows some serious kung-fu shit.

- Oh yeah? - Yeah.

I will kung-fu you right in fucking half

if you mess with me again.

- Okay, okay. - Don't you ever

jump up on a lady like that.

So worth it.

We heard the big news.

They probably didn't mention this in your contract,

but there are some extra responsibilities

that come with a job like this.

You know, I've heard

you haven't been late to post in eight years.

I really admire that dedication.

Why isn't she ready yet?

I've got this under control.

It's already 1:00.

We need this thing up by 6:00 AM.

Four, calm down.

It takes her an entire week

to make one of these videos.

If we don't hurry the fuck up right...

Do you know anything about negotiation?

You've gotta lay the groundwork

before people will do anything for you.

So either chill

or get the fuck out.

No!

On the spectrum much?

I know this is your first assignment

but if you want this to work

don't touch anything!

Do it.

- Ooh. - Yeah.

Dope.

Hey, everyone.

I had such a great birthday weekend.

I am.

Such a great birthday weekend.

A great birthday weekend.

I am wiped!

And it didn't quite go exactly as planned

but it was a blast.

And I was still able to find

this random nail polish line

that has the coolest colors.

We don't wanna have to hurt you, Abbie.

But I think I've proved that I can if need be, right?

Look, all you gotta do is a couple of videos

and we'll be out of your hair.

What the fuck?

Now, don't fucking scream.

Ow!

Ow!

I can tell that you're a tough one.

You're gonna be okay.

We're linked up!

Please don't hurt me!

Whatever I did, I swear, I swear,

I won't do it again.

It's all part of the job, Abbie.

Now clean yourself up.

You don't want your fans

to think you forgot this week, right?

Read.

Hey, everyone.

If you're a night owl like me,

you might've noticed that I'm posting

a little bit late this week.

That's because I,

I am doing something a little bit-

- Start over and act natural.

I can't!

I don't understand what the-

- Start over.

- Hey, everyone. - Again!

I can't just say whatever you want me to say!

Why not?

'Cause we're not paying you?

Is this your job?

You're just the messenger?

Well, we have a message that means something.

One that we're willing to die for.

Are you willing to die?

Well then what are you fighting for?

Just give us that winning smile

and read.

Read!

Okay.

Hey, everyone.

If you're a night owl like me,

you may have noticed I'm posting a bit late this week.

That's because I have a special announcement

going up later this morning.

So, be sure to check back in.

Love yas!

Mwah!

It's up.

Jesus, she already has 400 comments

on this video being late.

Girl's got reach.

No wonder One picked her.

Oh, God!

Oh, oh.

What?

Oh.

Some dude named Justin

just sent her a naked bathroom selfie.

What are you gonna say?

No, no, no, don't let him think he has a chance.

I mean, we're like torturing that poor Barbie enough.

Oh, he is not gonna wanna talk to her after this.

Well maybe don't be too cruel.

He might have a nervous breakdown or something.

Now, I don't know much about fashion.

So you tell me

what would you wanna wear

for the biggest advertising video of your life?

This one?

Are you forcing me to make a sex tape?

What? No.

Well, you only wear sequins

when you're trying to sleep with someone.

The fragmented light puts guys in a trance-like state

and you can get them to do whatever you want.

Huh.

Does he have to be in here?

How do I know what you're looking at with that thing on.

Interesting choice, by the way.

Were they all out of Guy Fawkes masks?

I thought you'd like the sexy clown look.

All right. What about this one?

Girl, that is way too dressed up for a vlog.

That is like red carpet casual.

What?

Your ignorance must be bliss.

Where's Four?

Bathroom.

This should be like a joyous occasion.

Why is she so on edge?

We're not supposed to exchange personal information.

The less I know about any of you, the better.

Mm-hmm, I'm going to Cancun after this.

Have you ever been?

It looks like really, really dope.

Actually, could you check the weather?

Just type in Isle of Women.

Island of women?

Anyway, I have a reservation.

Okay, that's never gonna happen

if you keep distracting me.

And what are you even contributing here?

All you did was make some crappy makeup.

Okay.

I made an exact replica of Nutrocon's line

with some very innocent formula tweaks

just as One requested

and it's still untraceable.

It's called chemistry.

I hope you didn't blow up too many trailers

with your chemistry.

Okay, seriously?

Who uses air quotes in the year 2020?

Who wears sweat pants on a secret mission?

Hey, these are, they're not sweat pants.

This is knitted denim.

Yeah.

How do you like it, girl?

Say that you like it.

Say that you like it.

How do you like it?

Say that you like it.

How do you like that, motherfucker?

I would have never signed up for this

if I knew it was gonna be a bunch of girls.

One must be some like crazy feminist or something.

Ew, don't use that word.

Okay, whatever.

Just, the isle of women better not be like this.

What is taking so long?

- Start filming this shit. - Oh, my god.

Relax.

Open the box.

Well, what do we do next?

Uh, is this like a tutorial video or like a promotion?

Whichever's shorter.

Okay, so promo.

Okay, okay, okay.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, this is good.

I guess I should get some close ups.

Yeah.

You keep looking into the camera.

You're doing this shitty on purpose.

Give us a woo.

Woo.

Like you mean it

Woo!

Yeah.

I hope your video sucks ass.

Hmm.

It's all smoke and mirrors, isn't it?

Woo!

You know what?

I thought about this moment a lot.

What moment?

The shot of you holding up the makeup

in contrast to the lights in the background.

You know, kind of out of focus.

Wow!

Did you learn how to make those cool lens flares too?

You know what?

Just hold it up!

You know what?

Fuck you.

You're gonna wanna keep your voice down.

Why shouldn't I just start screaming?

Huh?

What are you gonna do about it?

Oh, and by the way,

the Tiki theme doesn't even match the disco theme.

So none of this even makes any fucking sense.

Oh.

What are you doing with that?

That is very, very, very, very, very bad lighting.

We have access to everything, Abbie.

We don't have to break your bones to hurt you.

We'll just post every humiliating,

incriminating, poorly lit thing we can find.

What should we caption this?

I'm feeling myself, literally.

- Water drop emoji. - No!

There. Posted.

Now let's finish this.

Eight years of work.

My entire life.

My entire everything.

Get up.

Look, it's already got 120 like and 12 comments.

Fuck all the slut shamers.

Everybody should embrace their body like Abbie Rose.

Huh? It's great.

You are so brave.

You think I don't know my ass is fire?

It's not about that.

It's about my brand, branding!

Why are you doing this to me?

It's LisaXoX, isn't it?

She's trying to make me lose my deal.

Please, just let me go.

Whatever she's paying you

- I'll pay double. - Oh my God.

Oh my god.

We do not have time for this.

Lisa!

That fucking bitch!

Look.

No!

Is this one of those photos you took

to see if you have a pimple?

Because I do that.

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I will, I will cooperate.

I will cooperate.

Please, just don't do anything crazy.

What are you guys doing?

Ew!

Ow!

How much longer?

Shh!

Did you hear that?

I heard you being an anal control freak.

Using the words anal and freak

in the same sentence to a coworker of the opposite sex

is most definitely a microaggression.

All right.

Just try and relax while we finish this thing.

You know,

I got a degree in musical theater.

It's not like there were a ton of jobs

just a waiting for me when I got out of school.

This was paying off my student debt,

paying the bills,

and I didn't have to wait tables on Hollywood douche bags

just to split a studio apartment in Pacoima.

You can call me a sellout all you want.

I worked my ass off to get where I am

and I don't deserve to be treated like this.

Cry me a river, princess.

Oh, fuck yes.

What kind of sick freak are we dealing with here?

Yo, Abbie!

Abbie!

- What the fuck? - Oh, thank God.

Don't even think about it.

Just wait. He'll leave.

Yo, Abbie.

I saw that sexy selfie you posted

right after telling me

that only desperate people with no personalities

need to send nudes, really?

Shit.

Is that your boyfriend or something?

Ew, no!

I know you posted it just to get my attention.

So we doing this or what?

The sexual tension's been building for too long.

I know you want this.

Come on, babe.

I know you want it.

Oh shit.

Who the fuck are you?

I'm gonna kill you, you motherfucker!

You fucking piece of shit!

You piece of shit!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

What the hell just happened?

Oh my god!

What do we do now?

Fuck this.

This is what happens when you hurt people,

when you don't think about how your actions

affect anyone but yourself.

I saw you at the Women's March downtown.

You wanna hop on the feminist bandwagon,

posting about equal rights for women,

and then go and sign a contract

with a cosmetics company

that is known to fund organizations

that oppose a woman's right to choose.

Don't you think that's a little hypocritical?

You have an internet rando

tied up in her house, you psycho!

At least I'm not a complete narcissist

that survives off the perils of humanity.

It's like how you brag about using only cruelty free makeup

when entire species are being wiped out

because the rainforest are being eradicated for palm oil

which is pretty much in half of the products

that you promote.

Fast fashion.

You tell millions and millions of kids

to spend whatever money they've got

on cheap clothes being made in sweatshops

and you profit from all of it!

This has nothing to do with LisaXoX, does it?

Who?

- Two? - You couldn't have kept

your shit together for one night?

- Dude. - I'll call One.

I'll tell him how you completely derailed his plan.

All right!

How much coffee did you have?

Shut up.

Um, I'll be right back.

Five!

Fuck!

Uh, I cannot be in there right now.

You messed that dude up real bad.

Shit.

Well, what do you, what do you think we should do?

Uh, well he saw our faces.

So you know what we have to do.

I am not killing anyone.

Well, you screwed us.

Maybe you don't get to choose now.

Oh, typical.

Blame the victim just like everyone else.

You don't know what it's like

seeing some fucking creep everywhere you go.

We're not killing him.

Not us. Three.

She's obviously some like special forces

secret ninja assassin.

She's totally killed people before.

Three's not gonna do it.

How do you know?

She doesn't care if they see her face.

She's totally killing them.

She's giving away her entire share.

She's in this for the cause, to help people.

Oh my God.

How are you all so fucked up?

You know what? How about we just call One?

You can get him to go easy on us.

- You're his friend, right? - What makes you think

I'm friends with One?

Nobody knows-

- You're on those dark web message boards

where he recruits people online and stuff.

I never talked to One before I got that call,

the same creepy phone call you did.

We can finish this.

I can finish this.

No shit, we are.

I'm not having my reputation destroyed over this.

There's a lot more at stake here

than your reputation on some online message board.

Okay, I still have to finish editing this stupid video.

Hey, hey!

Your one job was to protect us.

So the two of you freaking figure out

how to fix this while I'm over here doing all the work!

We are so fucked.

This is worse than when I got caught

wrestling alligators on bath salts.

Yeah, Broward county sheriffs, right?

Clean up all this blood.

I can't work under these conditions.

Abbie.

Are you okay?

Who was that?

I'll beat his ass.

He needs to go to a hospital.

Trust me.

I've been through way worse.

Plus you're not really in a place

to tell me what to do.

So here are your options.

I can either

cut you free

and you can have your beauty rest,

or I can force you to be quiet.

No bags under your eyes,

body in a bag.

No bags, body bag.

Attagirl.

Abbie.

Hold me.

Hey, everybody!

Big news!

I finally signed that coveted, yes,

Nutrocon deal!

And as your new Nutrocon girl,

I get to show you their newest line

before it even launches.

It's the perfect makeup kit

for that '70s throwback vibe

with just the right amount of glitter.

That makes the hot item of the week

Nutrocon's new disco themed makeup kit!

I got to test it out this week at Skyline L.A.

and I looked so hot with my ponytail hairpiece

from Downtown Hair.

Woo!

I stopped by the city's newest bar

with an amazing patio, Atomic Goldmine,

for '70s night which was the perfect chance

to try out the the white gold eyeshadow.

The lip stain totally stayed on

even after a few cocktails.

Now that I've joined forces

with one of the biggest makeup companies,

I am in celebration mode

and everyone is invited to celebrate with me.

Use the code #abbierose

at the link in the video details

and the first 50 of you lucky ones

will get a sample kit for free.

Love you guys!

Mwah!

I am so hungry.

How long do you think before somebody sees it?

It still early.

I just need a little, a little napski, you know?

Just a little shut eye.

Okay.

Sum 41!

- Dude. - Come on, man.

Get a life.

What, you guys are acting like you've never been

on an all night home invasion before.

Already?

Uh, good morning.

Hi Abbie, I saw the video that you uploaded.

Oh, don't worry.

The office sent it to me.

It was an authorized sale.

Oh, I've gotta run.

I'm late for my morning yoga.

- Wait- - Thank you so much. Bye!

There's 230 orders already.

That's national.

I just need to filter.

It'll take forever to deliver 50 of these boxes.

You'll only be hitting targets within a 10 mile radius.

Hey.

One never called, right?

So what are you gonna do about that guy back there?

If you bring it up again I will end you.

Good morning, people.

It's Norm coming at you from bell to bell on my channel.

It's 6:00 o'clock and the market is open for business.

Now a couple of years ago, it was crypto.

This year it's options.

So much money to be made.

It's like a fresh printer printing fresh money for you,

making that money machine go.

So this options trend fascinates me.

It's pretty much like gambling,

but if you do your due diligence

and get in a good price,

you can make an absolute killing.

This year 800,000 new people

have gotten into the options game.

You can scoop up contracts for pennies per contract.

Pennies.

We have an earnings report coming up pretty soon,

and with all of buzz around it,

it should pay.

Trust me, in a year you'll wish

you had been paying attention.

Now let's take a call, call, call.

Consider this a detox.

It looks like your boyfriend's a real bed hog.

He is not my boyfriend.

He could have fooled me

the way he was using you for a pillow.

Well, some people just can't take no for an answer.

Why are you still here?

Don't worry.

We're leaving soon.

God.

I'm so hungry.

Can I have something to eat?

Sorry.

We need you hungry and weak

so you're easy to control.

I'd offer you some coffee

but you might shit yourself.

I'll go make us some breakfast, babe.

Ow.

Did you just fart?

What?

No.

I'm hungry.

Okay, good.

Because when guys fart, it's funny.

When girls fart, it's disgusting.

Wow.

Hi, Taylor. How's it going?

I asked everyone in the office

and no one's heard about a Nutrocon video this week.

Does Brad know about this?

- He's gonna flip out. - Oh, uh,

I'm at the Nutrocon offices.

What?

Like they contacted you directly?

Duh.

Sorry, Taylor.

I really need to go.

These glutes aren't gonna work themselves.

I'll talk to you later.

Oh my god.

What?

Hey, girl.

Sorry if I woke you up.

I just wanted to borrow those earrings

before I head to work.

No, no!

Now is not a good time.

Skylar?

Well, Juaquin is taking me out tonight.

His profile pic is of him with this red sports car

and you know how guys relate their dicks to cars.

So I need to wear something red,

but I don't have anything hot.

Um, the red earrings.

Um, the red earrings.

- What the fuck? - Um, yeah.

You know, the furry things are really sweaty,

um, from dancing up a storm last night.

Whoa babe, how are you doing that?

You didn't even dance last night.

It's fine.

Your natural musk smells like apricots.

Hopefully I won't be wearing them too long anyway

if you know what I mean.

I'm at the front door.

Get rid of her

otherwise we're gonna have to fuck her up

like we fucked up your boy-

Ah, fuck!

He is not my boyfriend.

Yeah!

We don't subscribe to society's labels.

- Isn't that right, baby? - Oh my god, shut up!

You're so fucking lucky that your friend turned up.

Keep him quiet!

Skylar!

Hi, why is Justin's car still here?

I mean, he said he was going to come over

after you posted that hot bathroom selfie,

which I thought was kind of weird,

but clearly it was a sign for him to come over, right?

What?

Ew, no.

Wait, yes. Yes, it was.

Look, here are the earrings.

Look at you flaunting your sexcapades online.

I thought that was against one of your rules or something.

All right, Skylar, have a great day.

I will see you later.

Yoo-hoo, Justin!

- You hoe. - Drop it, drop it.

Drop it.

Skylar, stop it.

Was it everything you ever dreamed of?

Dude, would you stop being

such an obnoxious bitch right now?

Just take the fucking earrings.

Jesus. Sorry.

I mean, I didn't think you would care

since you got them for free.

Oh my God.

It's not about the earrings.

It's about you being this hanger on

just using me for attention and likes

and to meet these douchey guys

who I would never sleep with

if they paid me more than a Nutrocon deal.

Wow.

I am so confused.

I'm just gonna go.

Please do.

You really think you're saving the world, don't you?

One mindless teenager at a time.

You know what?

Apricots smell like cat pee.

I bet you really enjoyed that.

You're right.

I did.

Baby, I gotta come clean to you.

I owe people some money.

I swear I never thought they would come for you.

But we're in this together, okay?

It's like a bonding experience.

We'll have so much in common after this.

We are fucking doomed!

Do you not see that?

Let me comfort you.

Oh my God.

How do you not get that I do not like you?

We just haven't hooked up yet.

I have over a million followers.

Okay?

Someone is gonna notice that I am missing

and you are going to fucking jail!

But you're not missing.

We're manning the empire for you.

Just give us a reason to completely destroy it.

Go ahead.

Do it!

Done.

Good.

Because everyone knows that I would never post that photo

and that I have been hacked

and that something is wrong

and there will be a mob of people

banging down that door any minute.

It's One.

Hello?

Put me on speaker.

Go to the door.

Outside you will find a girl in a fabulous new outfit.

Let her in.

Hey, bitches.

Nice job totally fucking up my brilliant plan.

Forget these.

Who are you?

Did One send you?

Whom the fuck did you expect?

Arnold Schwarzenegger?

How long have the others been gone?

They should be back anytime.

Get me a laptop.

We can't miss this window.

I'll just have to do it here.

What's your password?

Oh, uh,

it's kittentickler312

and the I's are exclamation points

and the T's are capitalized.

Okay.

Okay.

Please, please, please, please.

Okay.

Whoa.

Babe, how'd you know how to do that?

Women are threatened enough in our daily lives

that we look that shit up.

You're like a hot Lifetime movie.

They jammed it.

Shit.

Okay.

I will go out there and distract them

then you make a run for the door and go get help.

But I have to protect you.

Oh, okay.

Would you like to go face them

and I'll run and get help?

Well, I mean, you know them better than I do,

so you probably have a better chance of-

- That's what I thought.

Okay.

Hi, Abbie.

I can do this.

You can do this.

Come on, bro.

Justin, you useless piece of shit!

Run!

You're light, you're love, you deserve love.

You got this, bro.

You got this. Oh shit!

Please, don't hurt me!

Please, please don't hurt me!

- I'll do whatever you want! - Calm down!

- Okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry! - Turn around!

No, no!

Damn it!

I'm sure this feels pretty weird right now.

I have done everything you wanted.

There's nothing else I can do.

That's your problem.

You always tell us to use our intrinsic power

to manifest our own greatness

but you can't even recognize your own.

You're using me to tank the Nutrocon stock?

How are you doing this?

I started mining cryptocurrency

when I was in high school.

By the time I got to college, I had mined around $9,000.

I thought that was so much money at the time.

Then one day I look at my account

and that 9,000 in crypto went up to 5.2 million.

I was gonna cash out.

You know, get invited to a party,

get a guy to ask me out,

make over my life to be more like yours

but then you made that video.

What video?

The weekly vlog

right before your birthday last year.

You said you were gonna throw this huge party in Hollywood

and that all of these influencers and celebrities

- were gonna be there. - I have literally

made thousands of videos.

How am I supposed to remember-

- The week after your birthday you barely mentioned it.

You just changed the subject

and talked about jersey cotton

for like the entire video

and I thought that was just like so, so weird

because even if you hadn't thrown this huge party,

you would've still done something awesome and,

and that was when I finally saw it.

You were pretending that everything was okay

but I could tell that it wasn't.

You were lying.

You were sad.

In that moment I knew

that everything you promoted was fake.

Soon after news broke about those women suing Nutrocon

and I thought for sure, for sure,

they were finally going down.

I realized that this money

was my chance to do something big.

So I put out several shorts on Nutrocon

over the past six months

under a bunch of-

- What are you talking about right now?

It's like betting on a company to fail.

It's so basic.

Oh, hello no.

Are you seriously mansplaining my plan right now?

Can somebody please get some tape on this?

Come on, now.

I did prepare a little something for you.

So you have two options in options.

If you think a stock is going to go up,

you buy calls.

And if you think it's going to go down,

you buy puts.

If you think a stock will go up,

you buy call options

that give you the right to buy shares of a stock

at the strike price on the expiration date.

So when the contract expires

and the stock is going up,

you're still paying that lower strike price

for 100 shares per contract.

When you think a stock is going to go down

you buy a put option.

A put is similar to shorting a stock.

You buy contracts to sell those stocks

at the strike price on the expiration date.

So when the stock price has gone down

you're still selling those hundred shares

per contract at that higher strike price.

So I took a huge gamble

and traded my 5 million crypto

to buy thousands of these put contracts,

which added up to hundreds of thousands of shares

and figured when the Nutrocon stock dropped

after all those lawsuits,

I was going to sell them all off,

capitalizing on Nutrocon's demise.

- Sounds pretty great, right? - Right.

- Wrong! - What?

Turns out no one cares

what evil corporations do to regular people.

They paid their way out of it

and didn't have to face a single consequence.

Their stock just kept going up.

Meanwhile, I was losing money.

So I had to figure out a way

to make sure their stock dropped enough

to get that money back.

And enough extra to make a statement.

So you're a sellout, just like everyone else.

Me?

I wasn't lying when I said I was one of your biggest fans.

You would talk about your life and your relationships,

the fun stuff you would do with your friends,

and crafting but now all you do

are sponsored posts for dumb things,

stuff that doesn't even fit with your aesthetic.

No, no, please.

We can, we can

Hey, Brad.

What the fuck is this

I'm hearing about you selling Nutrocon product

without authorization?

Oh, I already told you,

Nutrocon sent it to me.

Bullshit, Abbie.

I don't know what the hell you're trying to do

but you can consider your relationship

with this agency done.

Now I am on my way to your house right now

and you better fucking be there.

We gotta go.

What do we do about them?

We'll have to take them with us.

You nearly hit like seven people

- on your way here. - It's called

a California stop.

We're in California.

Guys.

Nice to finally meet you, Adam.

Uh, why does she know my name?

Oh my God.

You really messed this one up, Tory.

I know. I'm sorry.

You're lucky he deserved it.

Did they call you?

I've been listening to everything since yesterday.

Oh, and by the way,

the fact that everyone just assumes

that I'm a guy for absolutely no reason?

Super offended.

Okay, but what are you gonna do about these two?

Let's get them to the van

and let's move to the second-

- Yeah but they saw our faces.

Dude, we don't have time for this right now.

I already put myself on the line

coming here to help you guys.

So just do what I say until we're in the clear.

Move!

I know things got mixed up,

but we can't kill them.

Oh, come on.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

You are obviously some government spy gone rogue.

Are you fucking serious?

He's seen us!

This idiot?

He's never gonna be able to identify us.

Please don't kill me.

I'll get you your money, I swear.

My uncle owns a car wash in Crenshaw.

See? He thinks we're someone else.

- Guys, guys, it's on. - A mysterious new makeup line

has users running scared in southland today.

Early this morning,

mega popular social media influencer, Abbie Rose,

began giving away 50 free samples of a new makeup line.

Seven of the young women who tried the products

were rushed to the ER with varying degrees of skin damage.

What did you do?

Oh, shit.

It was just supposed to be a rash!

It is!

Authorities are searching for Abbie Rose

but she was not found at her Hollywood home.

Oh my God!

Handcuffs, bloody sheets, sex toys, condoms,

and male enhancement pills found in the house.

What?

What, babe?

I was just trying to be prepared

when we had our love making sesh.

Oh, you fucking creep!

What? I brought condoms!

I was being considerate, okay?

Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.

And now I gotta do the one thing

that's gonna get us out of here.

Look, man, you're clearly the one in charge here.

I don't know why she didn't offer you this before, but...

Okay, I'll suck your Dick.

Oh no, no, no, no.

Come on.

A kilo of cocaine was found

hidden in the trunk of a silver sedan

registered to a Justin Hyman,

suspected to be a cohort of Abbie Rose.

Your last name is Hyman?

Fuck! My coke!

You asshole!

Oh my God.

You know what?

Skylar was right.

You are just a bitch.

You internet sluts are all the same.

You're just a fucking whore.

All of you are just...

I'm not going back to prison.

No one was supposed to get hurt!

Should I go back there?

No, keep going.

You asshole! I told you to wait.

I already got my ticket to Cancun.

It's nonrefundable.

Super fans of the social media star

suspected some sort of mental breakdown

after unusual photos were posted

to her account earlier today.

Commenting that she would never post

the, quote unquote, "Ugly pic."

I had to do something.

What? What else-

- You really think I would be here without a plan?

You guys are the biggest fuck ups.

Do you know how many people want to be a part of this?

I gave you an opportunity to better yourselves

and this is how you repay me?

Videos were sent in by some of the women

affected by the makeup.

Please be warned that these are graphic

and may be sensitive to some viewers.

It was like the best day of my life.

I got Abbie's new box.

I was so excited to try it out

and look what happened!

I got the box from Abbie,

but then I put on

and now my face looks like this!

Abbie, I trusted you.

I trusted you.

Look, look!

What is this?

I've been following you for so long.

There are little girls everywhere

who look up to you, including me!

You Abbie!

You ruined me.

You mutilated innocent people.

You're sick!

I only hear your name.

You forced me!

Did anyone force you

to take those other jobs,

to cash those checks from companies that-

- Would you please?

I need to pay attention.

What the Abbie?

The statement is out.

Not yet.

One.

I bought them at 75 a share.

It needs to go under 60,

otherwise this was all for nothing.

It's time.

It'll go lower!

It'll hit 55!

Do you really wanna pussy out now?

If it's not enough to make a difference

then why the fuck are we here?

Go for it now!

- No! - You gotta do it now!

No! It'll go lower!

Stop it!

- Stop! - You're crazy!

I'm One! I'm One!

- You're not One! - You're crazy!

- Do it now! - No!

- Do it now! - No!

Do it now!

Wait.

I think it made a mistake.

Who's Six?

Who do you think?

Regardless, their use of

dangerous chemicals in the past

has clearly made stock holders nervous.

- What? - That's it Abbie.

There's an off shore escrow account waiting for you

with just over $10 million.

I don't want your money.

I just want my old life back, please.

It's over, Abbie.

You won't get a job spritzing perfume at a mall after this.

No, no, no, no!

But you can think of this as one final deal

that will set you up for the rest of your life.

I'm offering you the chance to start over.

With you?

After everything you've done to me?

You have nothing left to lose.

You are totally and completely culturally irrelevant.

What happened on your birthday last year, Abbie?

You already know.

Okay.

So, this promoter I knew

said I could throw my birthday at his club

and it was gonna be this huge thing

and everyone was so excited.

But then a few days before

I got in a huge argument with him.

I guess I was drunk

and I didn't tag his club in a post.

So I couldn't throw my party there anymore.

And I just, I messaged my friends

and I told them that we were gonna just do something

like low-key instead.

And I didn't want anything to go up online about it

because I was already so just annoyed with the situation.

So I told everyone

that it was going to be a 1920s themed party

and they didn't have phones in the 1920s.

So no phones allowed.

No one could post any pictures at the party,

no live stories, nothing.

Just live in the moment for one night.

And?

Nobody showed up.

And that's when you realized.

That it was all bullshit.

It's crazy the kind of influence you have

when nobody knows who you are.

Have you ever looked in the mirror

and wished she could be someone else for a day?

Well, now you can

with the new Nutrocon contour kit

with super blendable powders.

Slim that sexy face

and get that razor sharp jawline you've always dreamed of.

Nutrocon's contour palette

will have you red carpet or selfie ready

before someone can say "Yes, queen!"

I guess this is it, guys.

You guys are gonna have to all come visit me in Cancun.

I'll have girls around the pool,

that music video shit.

Hard pass but thanks.

Yeah, don't forget,

you're supposed to give a bunch to charity.

It's just few mil,

and, besides, I am charity.

And sorry about like throwing that guy out the van.

Let's just...

Okay. Well, goodbye ladies.

I hope to never get into a fight

with any of you ever again.

Bye.

What about you?

I'm getting my think tank off the ground.

Artificial intelligence.

I'm gonna be like the next Elon Musk.

You can call me Lady Musk.

Once I find a place of my own,

I'm gonna get a woman's center up and running.

We're gonna need counselors and all that

and since you're totally fucking insane

giving your entire share away.

A real job?

Sounds good.

You never do anything wrong, do you?

Hmm.

Whoa, you're so bad.

So what do you wanna do?

I make a call and the money is yours,

but if you go back and tell them what happened,

then this is all over.

They'll freeze or reverse the trades

and it'll all be for nothing.

But I don't think you're gonna do that.

How do you know?

I think I know you pretty well by now,

which is why I'm upping my offer.

We'll add my 20 to your 10,

split the 30, 15 million each.

They deleted everything.

Every single trace of me online.

That means you're free.

Fuck it.

- Really? - Make the call.

That's so cool.

Cool.

Do it.

Thanks.

If it means anything,

there are a lot of people

that are gonna love you for this.

There just isn't a number on an app to tell you how many.

I guess I've always wanted to live

on an elephant sanctuary in Thailand or something.

So what do you want me to call you?

Or what's your name or?

You may have noticed I'm posting a bit late this week.

Whoops.

Fuck.

Why can't I get this?

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull