Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Introducing the new era, sick heads. Calling us sick heads, charming.

Two months of me, you can afford to make this place less disgusting.

You left the bloody crook in the office crooking it up all day.

Feels like we're keeping 'em here for no reason. Know what I mean?

Just hoarding Greek people. Get rid of 'em. Brexit the lazy eejits.

What do you want for your life? I've been trying to have a wife for ages.

You'll like it. Trust me, sexy.

All right, I'm Stath. I'm Roger.

Nice to meet you, Roger. I'm Stath.

Oh, this is my girlfriend, Katia.

She's beautiful. Good afternoon.

Yeah, she's looking stunning. Thank you.

You are, honestly. Oh, Stath. Innit?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Are you both from the agency, or...?

No, Roger, I'm upholsterer. Yeah. I told her to come,

cos we're going to a little awards thing after.

You heard about it? Bloody hell.

Er...no. Really? The Haringey Letting Awards?

We've got nomination for Best Improvement in a Agency.

Nothing? I don't know. Sorry.

Well, I don't know with you, Roger.

The telly's wicked. Don't come with the flat.

Is it all right if I go out onto the balcony?

Jesus Christ.

Don't worry, it's going to be finished soon.

Can I have a go at touring him round?

What, you actually want to? Yes, please.

Sir, please, how do we like the bathroom?

Do you feel calm as hell in here or what?

Oh, she's good.

HE CHUCKLES No. Oh.

But, um... I think I am going to make a complaint.

Excuse me, how can you make a complaint?

I'm going to make a complaint.

I'm going to make a complaint, please.

There's a boring pig in the toilet.

Is there? It's him. Sorry.

He's a boring pig. Oh, my God.

Why you got so much passion or something?

I love what I do. Mm.

Oh.

Oh, don't actually make a complaint, please. No.

I can't see. What's everyone looking at?

Oh, Sophie and Cem are kissing.

It's so sweet. I want to see that.

I swear, I said I was going to pick up like three people.

It's like a cupboard in here. I'm so uncomfortable.

Al, don't you go getting a bloody girlfriend.

Don't worry, I won't.

Got to save room in here for the award. Yeah!

If we win the award, do we get to do a speech?

Cos I want to do a joke where I say,

"Thanks so much, everyone. Not."

EVERYONE LAUGHS

Oh, my God. Not as no. As in, "No, I don't."

Like a knock-knock on a door, innit?

You lot have got to be the winners this year, innit?

Cos you lot are gangsta. Thank you, Cem, we are a gangsta.

Cem, you keep saying respectful stuff like that to me, man,

I'm going to smile. You know what I mean?

The respect coming off of the young men in this car. Flute!

Me, you and Al should start a business together, innit,

built on the respect. Imagine that one day.

Oi, I'm respect, let me be in it, too.

I don't have any respect.

Yes, Katia!

She just chucked her coleslaw out the window.

Like I keep telling you, man, any pal of Jules is a pal of Robbo.

Who's Jules, and who's Robbo? I am.

Nominees!

Looking sharp, eh? Lovely clothes you all always wear.

Yes. We make good choices.

I can't help but witness that you drove Carole

and Dean in the same car as Smethwicks. Oh?

And that to me feels a little bit greasy.

Oh, God, did I?

Oi, did you lot sneak into the back of my car?

Away with ya, hitchhikers. What?

Sod off, you muggy melts. Fire. Ooh.

Right, guys, now it's just true squad.

Can I just say how proud I am to be here with you lot?

It's not even embarrassing.

And, do you know what, Jules?

We really appreciate... Oh, God, get off.

The baby just kicked first time.

Not interested. Oh.

See you inside. Dean. Oh, good, it's got legs.

That's not annoying, is it? Legs in me while I'm trying to work.

Can I touch the kick? Would the father mind terribly?

Ooh, it's hard. Ooh. So hard.

Katia, poke the hard. Right, that's enough now, thank you.

Don't treat my midriff like a dog, please. Thank you. Oh.

I bet if we have a baby, yeah,

your tummy's going to be even harder than Carole's, innit?

Like metal, like a car.

One baby? Give me a challenge.

I want at least six, most ten.

We won Best Agency,

Most Unique Approach,

Best Colour Scheme.

And I got Best Viewing Banter.

Sorry, how are they checking best viewing banter?

You send in an audio recording.

Don't worry, littl'un, your time will come.

You've got a little treat in store. Littl'un's a no.

Anthony Stappan. Fine, thanks.

Hi, Anthony Stappan. Hello. Hi, Anthony Stappan.

Hi, Anthony Stapp... I know your name, we've met already. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you know, I'm hosting tonight,

so just sort of getting my name out there, getting it on the scene.

I'm doing that, too. Sophie. Katia. Katia.

Are you two lettings agents as well? Cos that's what I am.

Mm, no, I make the coffee.

AL: Oh, come on, guys, you're so much more than that.

They're singers, Anthony.

Yeah, we've got Adele over here

and Mrs bloody Ricky Backstreet Boy on the right.

Congratulations. I was thinking of getting some entertainment tonight.

But, if you want to do a song or summat, you know, that could work.

What would you need? Yeah.

Is there a microphone? Yeah.

Is there? Yeah.

Oh, Sophie, we should sing a song on a microphone.

ALL TOGETHER: Oh, my God.

What is this? Do it like that?

AL: What song do you think you're going to sing?

Yeah, something from the heart, I hope?

Why is Julian mingling everyone all day?

Separate from each other, please.

I don't like this nick and mix of different agencies, Julian.

Every time I look at you, man. VASOS: Stath. What? Come.

Now. JULIAN: All right.

Do a big breathe for me.

What's going on? OK.

I want to speak some more questions to you.

Ah, Steven. What?

Steven and I are going away for a holiday of our dreams.

What, are you going two weeks Cyprus? Was it wedding or dead?

Is someone dead?

Can I come? I want to get some almonds.

Oh! No, sweetheart.

We're going to Southampton for one year to stay with my cousin.

What you going to do in Southampton for one year?

Just be with my sweet Steven.

See the sights.

Have fish and chips.

Have pub lunch. Have Kentucky chicken.

Have hot soup. Have a burger.

Have some soup. Have some curry?

Don't add meals to it.

Dad, what we going to do, just not see you for a whole year?

Why not see your girlfriend and boyfriend instead?

You're both ready to go now...

..and it is letting me do my dream.

Thank you so much, my babies. That's OK.

Did I tell you that we're going to sing today with music?

And now I think I might be famous!

See, this is wonderful.

What you going to do about Michael and Eagle?

Julian is going to look after things, OK?

He's going to look after you.

But you are the main one. The family one, OK?

OK.

I'm sorry, I'm just so happy about you going on holiday.

I'm happy about you going on holiday.

And I want to win the award, too!

Oh, my God, there's free chewing gum!

Oh, mint flavour.

And sherry! Have you seen this?

Oh, my God, and the stage is so high.

I think we should do that one we did

about women's rights that we came up with,

cos look, there are women here, they could learn about their rights.

Oh, my God. Ooh.

Sister, my queen, how we going to do it without a backing track?

I would happily clap from the crowd. Whatever.

You give me beat, I give you treat.

Oh, my God, like mm, mm, mm, here, here.

Sophie!

Is that where you're sat? Isn't it a little bit lonely?

Oh, VIP in the house.

Come on now. VI...

It's cos we're not up for an award. Do the dance.

Sophie, can I have that meal deal back, please?

We're not allowed drinks or chewing gum or nothing.

Cos you don't listen. I said bring your packed lunch and get prepared.

Brother, what are you doing? It's not a food bank.

No, that's sick.

Stath, good luck winning, man.

You got a good attitude.

Thank you. Sorry you're over there.

Free chewing gum. Chew. Have a chew.

Could you please take your seats

and the awards will begin in approximately 15 seconds.

Hey, Julian, good luck, friend.

Cheeky swifter?

What is it? Champagne.

Turkish. No.

Oh!

DRUMROLL

CLEARS THROAT Thank you.

FEEDBACK Ooh. Hello, everyone.

Or should I say, hello, lettings agents.

Bloody hell, he's hilarious.

Tonight, we're going to be giving awards to agencies

and agents who are not only fantastic, but also...

..amazing.

CHEWING

And just to say, it's great to hear so much chewing amongst you all.

The chewing gum is free, so help yourself

to as much of it as you can manage.

So, first up, it is the winner of biggest agency by office size,

not number of employees.

The winner is, um...

DRUMROLL Wriggly Let. Wriggly Let.

Best social media presence goes to...

-..CoolVibe. -Lets.

Woo! Very deserving, that one.

Best agent-client relationship goes to Abinash Supiya -

hope I pronounced that right - from Shy Guy Lets

and his client Mr Charlie Perkins.

Woo!

We just really hit it off at the viewing. Very deserving.

Most money made in the year -

Smethwicks!

Don't clap it. It's about time.

Quickest viewings.

Yeah, it goes to Smethwicks.

Smethwicks. It's Smethwicks.

This means the universe to me.

I don't they should have won! Shut up.

So let's move on to this next award, then.

THEY SING

Sorry, is someone clapping...?

Excuse me, is someone clapping in the wrong bits?

Sorry.

So...now this one is voted for by a team of previous winners.

It's for lettings agent of the year, and the winner is, this year,

Dean Townsend from Michael and Eagle Lettings.

We won!

And by winning this award,

Dean agrees to be part of the Lettings Mentor Scheme

so he'll be going across the borough

sort of giving his expert opinion to agencies and so on.

I really look forward to him coming over to see me,

just giving me a few sort of, you know, tricks of the business.

Yes, Dean!

Do I have to do that thing, that giving my opinion?

Yeah. Do you not want to?

Fuck sake.

I did drama at Uni.

Fuck am I doing?

Right, thank you. Thank you very much to Dean Townsend.

So we're now going to take a very, very long interval.

Enjoy your chewing gum, and the sherry.

I've gotta go talk to him. Sorry, I got my hand caught in your hair.

I've gotta talk to him.

Dean! That is wicked. Top, top, wicked times ten.

Stath, stop, stop, stop. Times 20. What? I don't want to seem like

I give a shit, trust me. But I can't with Julian.

You want to chat to your dad.

Julian's looking to sack all you lot apart from me and Carole.

He can look all day, it's not hide and seek.

He can't do that. It's my dad's business too.

No, he signed it over to Julian.

He doesn't own it any more.

He signed...?

The agency over to Julian.

Do you understand when I say stuff?

Yes.

Can you chill in our area for the second half?

Cos Bits and the other guy are just sleeping together the whole time.

Sorry, I've got to practise our song about women.

I'm scared I don't know the words.

I keep saying winging. It's women.

Are you going to sing a song, yeah? OK. Why?

I thought you knew! YELLING

Is dad tickling Stath? Oh, he's always wanted him to do that.

Oh, they're coming over. Hi, dad. Hello, princess.

We've gotta sort this out.

Dad, why are you shaking the belt? Stath, Stath...

Do you want that? Give it to me. What? Look, I'll come back for you.

Let me in! I'll come back for you. Dad!

What, so we can come out now, yeah?

My breath is honkin', I need some chewing gum, you know.

Anyone got any gums licensed for me? Yeah? All right, all right.

Whatever it is, the logo just has to represent ME.

I was thinking like a silhouette of me with my hand on my heart,

like honesty. Values.

What, a sword? What would I be doing with that?

Oh, swinging it? Yeah, I love that.

What, he's buying a sword on the phone now?

What, you scared I'm going to come for you?

Hang on, hang on. I'll call you back, yeah?

All right, sorry about that. All right, bye-bye, bye.

Right! What can I do for you? What's that?

Good news about Dean, though, innit? Yeah.

What's that? Is that a scarf?

That is a...dividing thing from downstairs.

Anyway, don't act like I don't know a thing

that I do know about you sacking me.

Oh, I didn't know you knew about that.

Yeah, sorry, going to have to lose you.

Well...don't.

Keep me, please.

Well, look, don't worry about it.

You know, I'm only keeping Dean, so that's something, innit?

Wait, you'll get rid of Carole? Are you mad? She's very skilful.

Well, no, she's not.

And even if she's was, she's pregnant and that's an illness.

How are you going to talk about new life like that?

Are you fiendish? Dad, I beg you, hit him with that thing.

That isn't a problem for anyone.

You said you would keep Stathy.

That was the promise.

Right, well, I don't know what I said, do I?

But, you know, I don't mind that I've changed my mind about

whatever promise I've made, so. OK. OK, Mr Fuck Smart.

I changed my mind. Oh, my God. It's not your business now.

Sorry, sorry, boring.

Boring chat, this. Right, you signed it over, OK?

You can't take it back.

All the investment I'm getting is on the basis

that I staff the business with people who can let flats. Exactly.

Stath's let one flat in six months. And he's living in his car.

Come on, don't be stupid. Living what?

He has flat.

I was living in my car,

but I've been staying with Katia for the last three nights.

Shut up. Don't say stuff.

You said something about someone being stupid

and you're stupid, cos it's smoking.

And there's dead cows on the cigarette box,

and so you're going to die like a cow tonight. Come on, Stathy.

But wait. Come on, Stathy.

Yeah, I'll see you downstairs. Yeah, I'll say something nice...

HE RANTS IN GREEK

No, no, leave the door, I'm going to come down in a...

No, that's, you can't do that, that locks it.

Oh, you've cracked it.

What? Oh, what, it's the first floor.

You don't think I can climb down?

Stath!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, as a joke before we sing, we should say,

"We're not letting agents, we're singing agents.

Licensed to sing." Oh.

I'm going to find Steven.

I am so sorry, Stathy.

He said he wouldn't do this.

I pissed it. No.

Oh, my God, Stath, Stath, we're not.. Yeah? ..letting agents.

You're not? We're singing agents.

Right, there you are, thank you.

Where's Julian? Our thing's up in a bit.

He's coming, he's just wearing a suit elsewhere.

Did Dean tell you about Julian doing the sack on us?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, chick, yeah.

Oh, chicky, I did know about that, yeah.

I'm so sorry. Yeah, it's rotten, innit?

But, do you know what, chickadoo, you're gonna be fine, ain't ya?

Why are you sorry? He's doing the sack on you as well.

Boom, shank.

Ah, no, he's not, no.

I'm part of the new thing as well.

So, it's me, Dean, Smethwicks lot, yeah.

Yeah, he just said he's firing you, to me.

Mm, he, No.

No.

No, he can't fire me while I'm pregnant.

I'll take him to the fucking law.

Oh, so when it's you, it's bad, but when it's me, it's,

"Oh, chickeny chicken, you're a chicken."

Yeah, well, I've got a little baby child on the way to support.

And Lord knows his dad doesn't have

a £2 coin to his big stupid name.

What, is the dad not giving you money?

What is he cheap as you like?

You tell me that.

Tell you about what?

Cause it's, yeah...

The baby is yours, so...

Please.

Yeah, well, I've only slept with you and Cook.

And, erm, yeah, well...

I found out he's had the snip, so, yeah.

Gonna be a dad. Congrats.

Why don't you look at me? Am I meat?!

Well...

Where are we running? Katia?

To my grave!

Oh. Right, where's Julian?

I can give you £120.

Is...? Do you want that?

And the extra, I could get £40 from my dad, I promise, every Sunday.

Julian.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

And the award for most improvement in an agency goes to...

..Michael and Eagle.

Stathy!

Your daddy doesn't want to do the speech. Do you do it?

APPLAUSE

I didn't faint, I just tripped over the sherry.

There you go.

Hmm.

What, do I just tell a story or something?

Yeah, whatever you like.

Just big up Anthony Stappan Rentals, or...

Right. Don't worry, you don't have to do it.

Ah.

Erm...

I'm Stath, I work for Michael and Eagle Lettings.

It's my dad's thing, his business.

He started the business when I finished school,

cos I wanted to be a hairdresser, but I cut someone's back.

He wanted it to just be a family thing, but...

it got quite hard just me and him, because...

I kept forgetting to let the flats, or whatever.

It's stupid that we're just winning this improvement award now, cos...

..like...

..I hate the business now.

What's better improvements?

Turning nothing into a business, like what my father, Dad, done?

Er... Or turning a good family business into a posh shithole?

Which is what Julian...

What?

Just in defence of the awards, they've only been running for a

year, so there's no way you could have won it previously, you know?

Right, well don't... Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really? Just last year?

Yeah, last year. Mm.

Right.

OK, well, thank you.

Oh, and if anyone has any work, can I have it?

Cos I'm having a baby with Kat...

With Carole.

CHEESY AWARDS MUSIC PLAYS

Well...

..lucky Carole.

Maybe she ran back in here? Yeah,

I think if she was running away,

she probably would have just kept running out.

Well, I think that is more or less us finished.

There were a couple of girls who said they were gonna do a song.

Is that happening, or...?

Oh, my God, what's Katia doing, man? I'm not a solo singer.

If I go up there they're gonna chuck kaka at me.

Have you seen Sophie?

Are you all right, geez?

Celebrating your win, yeah?

Are you sure you know it?

I think I can...

Let's do it.

Everybody in the house,

thank you very much for letting me on stage.

Now... AL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Thank you very much.

Oh, clap, yeah.

OFF-KEY: I... I just wanna get down to the club

♪ And enjoy my female rides... ♪

She's good at singing, innit?

AL SINGS OFF-KEY: Licking champagne out the glass.

♪ Women are so blessed.

♪ Got my sisters by my side... ♪

He's good at singing, innit?

BOTH OFF-KEY: And we don't need no bullshit, baby.

♪ Boys ain't nothing but bullshit crazy.

♪ Where my crazy ladies?

♪ I wanna get married in Ibiza to my girls... ♪

♪ Because girls run the world

♪ So, raise a glass of beer and set fire to the beer

♪ But make sure it's safe

♪ Keep all the women safe... ♪

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

They're good singers, innit?

Oi, you know in your thing you said you're looking for a job.

What's going on with that?

The...

My dad's having the soup in Southampton

and Julian's... I don't know.

What, if you're being serious, we should start our own thing.

Respecting flats or whatever you said.

It'd be sick.

Think about it. Nah.

Yeah.

What, our own thing? That's a true idea, innit?

With Al, too, as well.

Just have proper gentlemen working there, innit?

That's... I could do that!

This just says your name.

Yeah, Cem.

Ah, sick, I'm gonna tell Sophie.

You crunched me well tight, innit?

Oh, sorry, did I hurt you?

No. It's the singing girl, innit?

Sick man.

I didn't eat my crisps, so...

..you can have it.

I think Al fancies me.

Ah...

OK.

What, do you fancy Al?

Err...

I think so, yeah.

Ah, OK. Shit, but I fancy you. Yeah.

Beautiful singing, you two.

Sorry, did you tell them? I forgot, we've gotta go.

What? I just said about how me and Al fancy each other.

Does Cem know? Oh, no.

Oh, Cem, are you annoyed?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Cem. Stath. What?

See you two in a bit.

What?! Carole's baby?

I'm not even sure Carole's gonna let me call the baby Katia.

Wait, am I gonna be the auntie to the baby, or not?

I don't know. Carole hasn't told me anything.

Right. Sorry.

But, Stath, think about when we have crisps

and chats in the living room, there's gonna be a baby there now.

What, me and you? Yeah.

And we could tell it stuff, like when we tell each other stuff.

We could say, animal noises...

..or drinks choices.

♪ A cat goes ring

♪ A dog goes boff

BOTH: And the cow runs away

CAROLE SCREAMS

Julian!

Do you think he tripped over the bikes?

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Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0