Original subtitles

? We're not going out

? Not staying in

? Just hanging around With my head in a spin

? But there is no need to scream and shout

? We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

Stop!

Hammer time!

You know me - can't hear the word "stop" without saying "Hammer time".

Well, it's annoying, so stop.

Hammer time!

HUSHED VOICE: I've got one of the mums over

from the school playground.

Why are we speaking so quietly?

I just want to warn you, before you see her, she's REALLY attractive.

Right, OK.

No, I don't think you understand. I mean, she's REALLY attractive.

Well, thanks for the warning.

I'll try not to lick her face. Go say hello.

There's no way she's as attractive as you.

It's not a test!

Go.

Hello.

SHE GROWLS

Argh!

Your face!

MY face?! What about pizza face over there?

Emma works in films.

Well, I hope she doesn't sell ice creams in the interval.

I do special-effects make-up.

I came round to show Lucy some ideas

for the Halloween fundraiser we're doing at school.

Yeah, well, I hope you're raising money for a trauma unit,

cos you're going to need one!

I've got to go, Lucy. Oh. It was nice to meet you, Lee.

Yeah. Well, tell your face.

- SHE GROWLS - Stop!

Hammer time!

See ya! Bye, Emma.

- LEE SIGHS - That the plan, then?

Start hanging around with ugly people to make yourself feel better?

What do you mean "start"?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Not sure I can look at that face again.

On second thoughts...

I just met your mate, Emma. She's got a lovely body.

You are unbelievable.

Come in, Frank. Well, I can't stay long.

Have the local magistrates started doing evening sessions?

I'm not going to court.

Oh... Dropped the charges, did they?

Yeah.

I'm just going to the pub. Actually, that's why I popped round.

Do you need me to lend you some money?

Oh, come on, son! You know I'm far too proud a man to ask!

Right...

Can you lend me some money?

Well done, Dad, you pushed through in the end.

If you're just going to the pub, why so smart?

When I say pub, they do food as well,

so it's more like a dinner date.

A date? Here we go.

Where'd you meet her - bookie's, Threshers or knocking shop?

Lee!

Yeah, you're right. I meant behind the bins.

Well, if you must know,

we met on a dating app for the more mature dater.

What's her name? Carol.

If it's a dating app, it won't be her real name.

When you meet her, check her driving licence - or her prison records.

Or her back, for tattoos.

I've already met her. This isn't our first date.

We've been seeing each other for quite some time.

Several months, actually.

In fact, I've got some news.

You're not pregnant, are you?

Carol's asked me to get engaged.

W... Well, what did you say?!

I said...

..I'll think about it.

Right... I've got quite a lot of questions here.

Not now, son. I'm meeting Carol in 15 minutes.

But we'll have a proper catch-up soon.

Thanks.

She'll never replace your mum.

Stop it!

Well, I wasn't expecting that.

Sorry.

I meant Frank!

Yeah...

LEE SIGHS

I suppose it's nice for him.

Nice?

You weren't around for any of his previous relationships, were you?

There's always something wrong with the women he meets.

One of his exes broke into a bingo hall

and stole a freezerful of meat pies.

Bloody hell, who was he dating - Ken Loach?

He deserves a chance to be happy.

It's not about stopping him being happy -

it's about stopping him being unhappy.

Because, when it inevitably goes wrong,

whose shoulder will he be crying on? Mine.

And then I will be unhappy.

And whose shoulder will I be crying on?

Yours.

Great. We'll be like a big line of soggy dominoes.

Well, maybe Carol's different to the others.

Yeah, right!

Well, there's a simple way to find out.

We can't dunk her in the river and see if she floats.

She'll probably poison the fish.

We invite Carol and Frank round for dinner tomorrow night

and see what she's like.

OK, fine.

But don't say I didn't warn you. Where are you going?

I'm going to hide away the valuables

and lock away the prescription drugs.

I might pop a padlock on the freezer as well -

there's a couple of meat pies in there.

Well, you can put that out, for a start.

If Carol breathes on that, the whole place'll go up in flames.

DOORBELL RINGS

Look, just because your dad's had a chequered past with

the wrong type of woman, it doesn't mean that Carol is the same.

Hi! Come in.

Lucy, Lee, this is Carol.

It's such a pleasure to meet you both.

Thank you for inviting me to your beautiful home!

You're welcome.

I got you a little something.

You like a drink, do you, Carol? No, it's just for you.

I don't touch the stuff. Oh!

Why'd you stop?

Were you, uh, having blackouts, waking up on park benches?

I see Lee has inherited your sense of humour, Francis.

Francis?

Not everyone calls me Frank.

I know, but it's still usually one syllable.

No, drink has never been my thing.

So, uh...

..what is your thing, then, Carol?

Water will be fine.

Healthy body, healthy mind.

Carol's got a very healthy body. Oh, don't you just love him!

Yeah, just.

So, where do YOU live, Carol?

Carol's got a place on Rawlins Hill.

Oh, one of those huge houses?

Yes. It's a bit too big, to be honest.

It can feel a bit echoey and cold sometimes.

Less so when Francis is there.

Oh, yeah, do you use him as a draught excluder?

Carol's done very well for herself, running lots of businesses,

and then she decided to sell up and live off the spoils, didn't you?

Yes.

I do sometimes wonder if perhaps

I retired a couple of years too early, actually.

Don't be silly! You're never too young to stop working.

Dad's got that embroidered above his fireplace.

So, Carol...

..what's a nice girl like you doing with this old reprobate?

I have to be honest, I sometimes wonder the same thing myself.

Oh, Francis, you silly thing!

There are so many things about you that I like.

You're kind, you're funny.

Well, he's kind of funny.

He's good-looking, he's...

Hang on, give me a minute on "good-looking".

He's charming, he's romantic and - best of all -

he'll do anything for me, and I love that.

I would. I'd do anything for her.

That is SO-O-O lovely!

There are some people in life that one meets who can provide

a physical and emotional stimulus,

but fewer who also provide

a spiritual and intellectual one as well.

Right, seriously, Carol, what do you see in him?

See! You got her all wrong. She's perfect.

Exactly. Too perfect.

Why is she with me dad?

A man who was once described by

the Chorley Herald as "persistently loitering".

So what are you saying?

I'm saying, if someone so perfect is with my dad,

she must be up to something.

Like what?

Maybe she's after me dad's money.

His money?

What else is she after - his singing harp?

Maybe she smuggled herself into the country

and she has to marry me dad so she can stay here.

Her house is so big, she wouldn't need to

smuggle herself into a different country.

She just needs to walk from the back door to the front,

and she'll have crossed three borders.

Good point. We know where she lives. So?

So I'm going to do some snooping, find out exactly what Carol's up to.

Oh, for God's sake.

My dad would do the same for me. What do you mean?

I'm saying my dad would be just as suspicious

if I'd have met someone so perfect, so refined, so...

I'll stop talking.

See?

What?

I've been following Carol.

I spent the last few days hiding in bushes, taking photos of her.

Oh, thank God for that.

For a moment there, I thought you'd been acting like a weirdo!

Not easy being a private detective.

No shit, Sherlock.

She... is with a different fella each time.

Can't you see?

No, shit Sherlock, I can't.

I can see a picture of your ear and an out-of-focus wing mirror.

All right, so she's with different men,

but what exactly did you see them doing?

How do you mean?

Well, were they kissing? Were they holding hands?

No.

So, what does that tell you?

People are still worried about coronavirus?

What were they doing, Lee? Just chatting.

Well, there you go, then.

I'm sure there's a perfectly simple explanation.

Of course there is. She's a con woman!

Conning them how, exactly? I've absolutely no idea.

But I bet all these men are like me dad -

gullible, sozzled losers who are easy prey.

Let ME speak at his funeral.

Why try and con people who haven't got anything?

Maybe she's harvesting organs.

Oh, yeah, I've heard those sozzled livers are at a premium on eBay.

All right, maybe you're right, maybe she's not a con woman.

Maybe it's good, old-fashioned sleeping around.

Yeah, or maybe these men are just friends of hers!

Friends with benefits.

Like a winter heating allowance?

She's not sleeping around. Oh, course she is!

And I'll prove it. How?

I'm going to download that mature dating app where me dad met Carol.

I'm going to set up an account and I'm going to ask her on a date,

and if she says yes, that will prove that I'm right

and she's seeing other men behind me dad's back.

And where are you going to take her, Lee?

I think Carol's the type to object to

a Nando's free crispy wings and half-price curly fries deal.

I work hard. I'm a good husband and a loving father.

But I get ONE anniversary dinner wrong...

Obviously I'm not going to actually go on the date, am I?

I don't need to, because if she says yes,

that's all the evidence I need that she's being unfaithful.

You don't go on a dating app just to find friendship, do you?

I assume you'll be using a false profile? No, Lucy.

I'm going to put "Pervert looking to date elderly girlfriend

"of his own father, seeks similar for fun and games."

Of course I'm going to use a fake profile.

I'm even going to find a fake photo.

I really need to brush up on me euphemisms.

Why? Never type "wrinkly old fella" into Google Images.

Ha!

Guess who's got a date with an old lady who's seeing my dad!

There is not a world where you should ever

be proud of that sentence.

She said yes!

I can't believe she's done this.

Well, she has.

She's agreed to go on a date with Mr Edward Bear.

Edward Bear? Yeah.

Teddy Bear? Oh, yeah...

I was trying to sound manly.

You may as well have gone with Jeremy Comfort Blanket.

She agreed to go on the date - that's all that matters.

It's case closed. I need to phone me dad and warn him off her.

Hang on, is this what you wrote to her? Yeah.

"I'm a recently widowed gentleman looking for friendship

"in the company of a nice lady. Your photo caught my eye.

"I thought you could help me stop feeling so lonely."

What's wrong with that?

Well, it's hardly a massive come-on, is it?

It's a pity request!

Carol obviously just feels sorry for you.

Him.

Yeah, OK, she's feels sorry for HIM.

I feel sorry for YOU.

Look, it doesn't matter what I wrote -

she still agreed to go on the date.

Yeah, maybe Carol just wants to make an old man with a silly name

feel a bit better about himself.

Maybe it's the same with the OTHER men you saw her with.

It's called friendship and compassion.

Oh, come on! Who ever heard of that?

Going round being kind to old people for no reason!

I bet Carol's got no intention of sleeping with any of them.

Well, there's an easy way to find out, isn't there?

Oh, God...!

THROUGH DOOR: Are you ready?

This is ridiculous, Lee.

You're never going to be able to pass yourself off

as a 79-year-old man.

I said, are you ready?

Oh, just get it over with.

Brilliant.

All we need now is a life-size cardboard cut-out of Carol,

and you two can have a romantic dinner date in a pop-up book.

LUCY SCREAMS

It's all right! It's me, it's me!

I know it's you. I just got

a terrifying glimpse of my future!

Your mate Emma is a genius with the prosthetics.

And I'll tell you what, you're right -

without the make-up on, she's a bit of a stunner.

I'd punch you if you didn't look so vulnerable.

It's incredible!

Quite the silver fox, aren't I?

Aren't you worried she'll see your face coming loose during sex?

Don't be ridiculous.

I'll be in the doggy position.

Look, I'm just going to get to the point where Carol clearly

wants more than friendship,

and then I'll have all the evidence I need.

And then I'll be out of that restaurant sharpish.

Well, sort of shuffling.

Actually, I'm, uh...

..not due at the restaurant for a couple of hours,

if you, uh... fancy a bit of role-play.

Sorry?!

You know, I thought you might want

a proper hands-on glimpse of your future.

I could, uh, cough and wheeze all over you for 90 seconds,

then fall asleep with some raspy breathing.

Right.

And when does the role-play kick in?

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

Carol? You must be Edward.

Please, call me Teddy. All my friends do.

Well, the ones that are left.

Not that there's many, what with me being so very, very old.

Is this your first time?

Yes, never been here before. Usually go to Nando's.

I mean online dating.

Oh... Yes. Absolutely.

As I said on my message, my wife died quite recently.

Yes, I'm sorry to hear that. How long has it been?

Oh, not long. Well, long enough to start dating.

I haven't just come straight from the funeral!

A few months.

Do you mind me asking how she died?

Fire. Fire?!

She caught fire.

Oh!

She was frying an egg and had a heart attack

and fell straight on the hob.

Too much hairspray and a nylon blouse, went up like a torch.

My goodness. What did you do?

Opened a tin of beans.

I'm joking. It's a coping mechanism.

It was, actually... you know, proper sad.

So, it was her heart? Yeah.

I just find it easier to think of her... catching fire.

I don't know why. It's stupid.

Really... really stupid.

No! It's not.

You probably don't want to think of that beautiful heart

that loved you for all those years not working properly.

Nice. I wish I'D thought of that.

So...

..are you ready, do you think?

Good idea. What are you having?

Oh... There's no crispy wings or curly fries.

I mean ready to start meeting other people.

Oh!

Oh, yes, yes, it's what my wife would've wanted.

And I'm not getting any younger, am I?

Need to get back out there, get back on the horse.

Not that I'm saying you're a horse.

Or that I want to get on you.

Or that I don't.

Are we having a starter?

What a lovely meal.

And just to be clear, Carol - it's my treat.

No, I won't hear of it!

No, no, it's fine. I've got vouchers.

You know what, Carol, we've spent so long talking about me tonight,

I haven't properly asked about you.

I assume with this dinner tonight,

it means you're not... seeing anyone at the moment?

Oh, no, I am. Really?

Yes. A man called Francis. He's a lovely man.

Slightly odd family, but a lovely man.

And does he know you're here now, with me?

Oh, yes, Francis isn't the jealous type.

And do you go on a lot of dates with his knowledge?

Yes, occasionally.

And he's completely fine with that, is he?

Of course. Right...

And do you mind me asking...

..how far you go?

Oh, you know, say...

..Dartford.

Is that a euphemism?

Sorry?

You know, Dartford Tunnel?

Rest assured, Francis is very happy for me to meet other people.

Right.

And what about you?

Does it bother you that I have a boyfriend?

No. No, no, no, I'm very broad-minded.

I even had an orange Kit Kat the other day.

No, Francis doesn't mind me having other friendships.

Friendships? Right...

Is that what this is, then?

Are you looking for something more, Edward?

What if I was?

It would be completely understandable.

You've just lost your wife.

You're feeling... Well, you know...

A bit horny.

I was going to say lonely.

But it's fine to have other feelings too.

Sex isn't something to be ashamed of.

Well, you're not doing it properly.

Just to be clear, if I did have those other feelings,

towards someone like... you...

..what would you do?

You're a very attractive man, Edward.

Well, I've had a lot of work done.

So, just to be absolutely 100% clear,

do you mean, "You're a very attractive man, Edward, but no"?

Or, do you mean, "You're a very attractive man, Edward,

"so stick Barry White on Spotify"?

And when I say Spotify, I probably mean a cassette.

Actually, an 8-track.

I think you've been through a very difficult time

with your wife's death, Edward.

Honestly, it's fine. We weren't massively close.

Can you just answer the question, please?

Would you like to walk me home?

Well, this is me.

Is it?!

My house.

Oh, right.

So, shall we... say goodnight?

I always like to say goodnight, you know...

..properly.

Oh, no, we can't do that.

Can't we? No, of course not. It's way too early for goodnights.

You must come in and have a nightcap.

Maybe she IS after me kidneys.

SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

What are YOU looking at?

I don't have alcohol in the house, so I'm afraid this is just coffee.

It's lovely.

We're going to be up all night, aren't we?

Are we?

Biscuit?

I'm actually quite stuffed after that dinner.

Me too. Although I think there's room for a tiny bit more inside me.

Go on, just one.

Got to keep our energy up at our age, haven't we?

Have we?

We have.

Very good of you to invite me in for a nightcap, Carol.

Well, I'm sensing a kindred spirit.

And it's good to share, Edward. Do you agree?

Oh, I do, Carol. I do.

I mean, really share.

We're not talking about chocolate Hobnobs, are we?

No, Edward. We're not.

Just for absolute clarity,

do you mean sharing feelings about my recent bereavement

because you're nice and you want to be my friend,

or do you mean sharing...

..other things?

That's Francis. He has no problem at all about your being here, you know?

Hm, right.

I think you two would get on like a house on fire.

He probably would've started it for the insurance.

Oh, you are funny!

OK, I'm not going to lie, Carol. I'm a tad confused here.

Come on, you.

Oh, you're not chucking me out, are you, Carol?

I just wanted a bit of clarity on the Ts and Cs.

Not that I'm thinking about your Ts.

Or your... C.

Follow me.

Well, where are we going? Upstairs.

Are we, indeed? And why would that be?

Because I want to share something with you.

What, exactly?

Come upstairs and I'll show you.

Can't you just show me here?

Or, better still, just tell me what it is you want to show me,

and why you want to show it to me?

Then we'll know where we stand.

Could you do that?

Come on. I know you're going to like it.

In you go.

What room is that?

My bedroom.

I see.

What happens when we go in there?

Don't worry. I think you're going to like it.

MUSIC: Forever And Ever by Demis Roussos

All right, cocker?

Francis, sweetheart, this is Edward.

You two are going to get on famously.

That'll be a first.

Sorry? What's going on?

Oh, you little tease, Teddy Bear!

You know EXACTLY what's going on.

Do I?

I couldn't have made it any more obvious.

I told you Francis wasn't bothered about me dating other men,

and how I love to share.

Looks like we're having a threesome, sonny.

Oh... Please don't call me that!

And it was pretty obvious you were up for it.

All that broad-minded, orange Kit Kat talk. I got the code.

Especially when I saw the look on your face

when I caught you looking at that photo of Francis.

Pure lust!

Oh, I feel queasy.

So, how long has this sort of thing been going on?

It was her idea.

She's been meeting up with loads of men and asking them,

and every one of them said no.

But finally I found you, Teddy Bear.

I want you to think of me as a tiramisu

and I'm just about to give you and Francis spoons.

Oh, good God!

Did she talk you into this? Yeah.

Francis will do anything for me, won't you, darling?

Well, that's what I said, I suppose.

Unconditional love, I think they call it. Yeah.

Well, that usually refers to putting up with people's bad habits

or trips to Ikea -

not being the meat in a pensioner sandwich.

So, this is your first time too?

Oh, yeah. You could say this is an unusual situation.

You don't actually want to go through with this, do you, Frank?

How do you know people call me Frank?

It was a lucky guess.

And what am I supposed to call you - Dad?

Oh, I like that!

Call him Daddy.

I think there's been a misunderstanding, Carol.

I'm far too old for this sort of thing.

Mwah!

I want to go home!

Me too. What?!

I'm sorry, Carol. I can't go through with this.

Listen to Daddy. Dad! Frank! Francis!

Now, don't be nervous, my love, it'll be fine.

Pop your trousers off, Teddy Bear. What?!

This is not right, Carol.

Come on, Francis. You promised. Pants off!

Stop! Hammer time!

You actually said "Hammer time"?

Followed by "can't touch this".

And you ran away?

As fast as me 79-year-old legs would carry me.

What about Frank?

Well, that's the thing.

He actually phoned me on the way home, said he didn't want to go into

all the details, but he'd decided to end the relationship with Carol.

He said he'd come to realise they had different interests. Oh, dear.

Well, I'm guessing this has put you off the idea

of ever having a threesome, then.

To be honest, it'll be a while before I can face a twosome.

Back to a onesome for you, then?

Shame, that.

I was thinking of arranging a threesome with me, you and Emma.

Time can be a great healer.

? We're not going out

? Not staying in

? Just hanging around with my head in a spin

? But there is no need to scream and shout

? We're not going out

? We are not going out. ?

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