Original subtitles

Tuesday, 0200.

I'm continuing to maintain visual reconnaissance with the subject.

As yet, no contact with hostile operatives.

If the Information I'm safeguarding should fall Into the wrong hands...

...I wouldn't wanna speculate as to the consequences.

Thursday, 0300 hours.

As In past several nights, status of the subject remains unchanged.

Thursday, 0300 hours continued.

Agnes Is probably snoring that cute little snore of hers right now.

Forgive me for describing thoughts of a personal nature In a field log...

...but Julius Caesar himself...

...often expressed private concerns In his Journals.

I believe the Helvetian campaign Included ramblings about baldness.

I wish I was lying In bed right next to Agnes right now.

Wednesday.

No, Thurs--

Or Is It Friday?

Who knows? Who cares?

The days all blur together after a while.

Concentration becomes difficult.

My mental acuity Is being slowly eroded by the boredom...

...the Isolation.

Day after tedious day...

Oh, Agnes.

Agnes.

Agnes.

Your name has become my only friend.

My mantra.

The one thing standing between me and total Insanity.

Still no sign of espionage activity.

Though our Intelligence Indicates that competing agro-business Interests...

...wlll stop at nothing to obtain stamen samples...

...from the blo-engineered strain of citrus paraditus antocticus.

Frost-proof grapefruit.

-Mr. Viola, how Is she? -How should I know?

I've barely seen her In the last three weeks.

You've been working the night shift doing your job...

...but long weeks without you could make a girl sob.

Don't worry about me though, my upper lip's stiff...

...but a sweet night with you, dear, would be some precious gift.

So when the stakeout is over I'll still be waiting...

...to pick up again with some serious dating.

In the meantime remember, you hunk of a man...

...that Agnes DiPesto Is your biggest fan.

My biggest fan.

What a woman.

So why Isn't she here?

Plenty of room.

I wonder If she'd llke new wallpaper.

Excuse me.

-Where's Agnes? -In the bathroom.

All right, look, can we Just skip the nightly routine, please?

You look llke hell. You should get more sleep.

It's Night of the Living Dead.

Some people are willing to temporarily sacrifice their good looks...

...In the name of special assignment.

M left for the day, Mr. Bond.

Thank you, Miss Moneypenny.

Any breaks In the case of the century?

Nothing that I'm at liberty to discuss with the laypeople.

For your own safety, you understand.

This case must be kept strictly confidential.

Of course. Kind of one blg, Juicy secret.

Why did you say Juicy?

It's hard to keep a fruit that big a secret.

Jest If you will, MacGllicuddy, but some of us aren't content...

...to staple ourselves to a desk for the rest of our lives.

Some of us need to be out there, on the edge.

If you know what's good for you, you'll stay mum about my case...

...or I'll have you drummed out of this business.

Everyone In this office knows about your stupid secret assignment.

The only reason you're doing It...

...Is because It takes a squirt to Investigate a grapefruit.

-Jealous, MacGllicuddy? -Oh, yeah.

We all wish we could spend nights babysitting a bush.

-It's a tree. -And writing a bunch...

...of ridiculous reports about nothing.

Well, I guess under the circumstances...

...I'm just gonna to have to Walt to hand thl: to Mr. Addison In person.

I guess safeguarding the vitamin C all night...

...has made It kind of difficult to take care of the vitamin I?

Relationship slipping?

Not In the least.

I guess you haven't been around much to notice.

Notice what?

Consensus with the guys Is Agnes Is looking a little restless lately.

I've been thinking, maybe I ought to drop by her place one night.

-Cheer her up. -Oh, yeah?

Well, you're In for a little surprise If you drop by her place...

...because It's gonna be my place.

Agnes and I are moving In together.

You are?

Why hasn't she sald anything about It?

Who's fool enough to confide anything of Import to you?

Maybe It's because she doesn't know.

Maybe It's because you haven't asked her yet.

-What's to ask? -She might say no.

Agnes say no?

You ever seen what happens to Ice cream...

...when you pour hot fudge all over It?

Bert, hl.

Nice talking to you, Viola.

And good luck on that...

...special assignment we were talking about.

You and MacGlllcuddy been fighting again?

No.

I want to talk to you...

...sweet potato.

Oh, Bert.

-I missed you so much. -Good.

Wanna walk me out?

Agnes...

...I've had some time to think these past nights.

And I can't help feeling that you and I were brought together...

...by some powerful, mysterious force.

A year ago, I walked In that agency door...

...plucked at random from a pool of temps.

Could have been anybody, but It was me.

I never met a woman like you before.

A lovely, Intelligent, compassionate woman...

...with untiring patience and Homeric sexual stamina.

A woman who feels as deeply about me as I do of her.

And when two people feel that way about each other...

...steps must be taken.

Commitments made.

Agnes...

...I think we should move In together.

Don't worry.

I have smelling salts In case you feel the need to swoon.

-Well? - I don't know what to say.

I mean, this Is a gigantic consideration...

...and It's all so sudden.

Come on.

Do you really mean to tell me you didn't see this coming...

...Ilke a heat-seeking missile?

Well, Agnes, we can't keep dating forever.

We need to lay down the foundations...

...for a noble and recordable future. Together.

Herbert, I can't Just move In with you.

Maybe you've been thinking this over, but I haven't...

...and It's Just not something you rush Into.

Well, It Is If you care.

Well, I care but I can't.

Rush In. Not move In.

Do I understand you're saying, no?

-No. -Then you're saying yes.

-No.

Yes, I'm not saying no.

No, I'm not saying yes.

It's Just that I need to think about It.

It's not a yes.

It's not a no, you know?

It's Just I don't know.

-You know? - I know.

I know you know.

Thanks, Bert.

Funny, Viola...

...looks llke someone dropped a load of hot fudge all over you.

Field notes on the consolidated case.

0400 hours. Again.

The hour of the wolf.

The end of another shift.

When I go home, what do I have to look forward to?

Those little touches of femininity...

...that turn a cold, lonely apartment Into a home?

The woman I love, asleep In my bed.

A sandwich In the fridge with a note, "Thought you'd be hungry."

No.

This Investigating agent goes to bed on an empty stomach.

Why would Agnes not want to live with me?

All right, walt a minute, let's start with why she would.

I am earnest. I'm a voracious reader.

Courteous to a fault.

I always signal when I'm changing lanes.

She would be one lucky gal to live with a guy like me.

But still, I must consider the possibility...

...however remote, that she might reject me.

That she might say no.

There. I've sald It.

And because I've sald It, she won't say no.

She'll say yes. She's got to say yes.

The truth Is, the ball's In her court now.

Whatever she decides, It's out of my hands.

Out of my hands.

The dle Is cast.

-It's out of my hands. It's out of my-- -HI, honey.

Agnes, what are you doing here?

What do you mean, what am I doing here?

You asked me to move In, so I did.

You didn't have to do all this.

I know.

But I wanted to...

...because you told me how hard you've been working lately.

Here, why don't you sit down on your favourite chair...

...while I get breakfast ready.

Afterwards, I'll run you a nice hot bath...

...and rub warm almond oll all over your body.

Oh, Agnes. What did I ever do to deserve you?

Don't be slily, Bert.

You're earnest. A voracious reader.

Courteous to a fault.

I admire the way you signal when you change lanes.

But you're not exactly a matinee Idol...

...or a rugged man's man brimming with character.

Let's face It, Bert, you're not really the type of guy that gets the girl.

II don't know what I was thinking.

Walt!

You snapped.

You're losing your mind.

You're wigging out.

No.

No. You're Just tired.

That's all.

Yeah, exhausted.

Your mind's playing tricks on you.

What you need Is sleep.

Yeah, sleep.

Sleep.

But you can't sleep. That's how tired you are.

You're so tired you're talking to yourself.

Next thing you know, you'll be living In a refrigerator carton somewhere.

Walt, Just relax.

Just calm down.

Chill out.

Unwind.

Yeah.

That's what you need to do.

And back...

And now back to our movie, Prince of the Desert.

Bert?

You and me both, pal.

-

Everyone gel your pencils ready. Gel your pencils ready at home.

And now our movie, a special presentation of an all-time classic:

Casablanca.

Another Mountain Dew. Make It a double.

-Bert, good evening. -Too early to tell.

-Cara to have a drink with us? -I never drink with customers.

-Bert, where's the restroom? -Cross your legs.

Good evening, Bert.

Captain Renault.

I understand we're going to have a famous guest here tonight...

...Mr. Victor Laszlo.

Yeah, who's he?

Oh, Just a hero.

A hero of global proportions.

A hero who by comparison makes other heroes seem un-heroic.

A hero who, If I were a woman, would be welcome to smear Jam all--

I get the picture, Renault.

Yes, well, It seems that Laszlo Is coming here to meet someone.

Someone who's going to try and help him escape.

Help him escape. How?

By giving him two Frequent Flyer coupons...

...valid for major vacation spots all over the world...

...though some restrictions apply. And airline employees...

...and members of their families are not eligible.

You wouldn't happen to know where they are, would you?

Me? Why should I know?

Because we arrested Ugarte...

...the man we thought was going to help him.

He didn't have the coupons on his person.

Which happened In a scene which the producers were too cheap to flim.

Well, why would Laszlo need two coupons?

They say he's travelling with someone.

A lady. A very beautiful lady.

The kind of lady that only someone like him would travel with.

The kind of lady that someone like you would never--

I'm sorry, was there a woman once In your past?

No, I didn't think so.

You see, the reason I'm telling you all this, Bert...

...Is because I want to be sure...

...you won't help him escape, allowing him to form...

...a powerful French resistance movement.

1 stick my neck out for nobody.

Why would I wanna help Laszlo escape?

Welcome to Bert's Cafe Americaine.

-Monsieur? -Laszlo. Victor Laszlo.

Thls way monsieur, madame, s'll vous plait.

Sam?

-Sam, Is that you? -Miss Agnes.

Sam, how are you?

Please, Agnes, don't ask me to play that song.

-Don't ask you to what? -You know what.

- I do? -You know you do.

-No, I don't, Sam. -Yes, you do, girl.

-No, I don't. -Yes, you do.

-I don't. -You do.

-What song? -This song:

Sam, I thought I told you never to play that--

Why, Agnes. Hello.

Hello, Bert.

Bert, I'd llke you to meet Victor Laszlo.

How do you do?

Victor Is a famous freedom fighter, Idealist, theoretical physicist...

...-and a brillllant philosopher In his off hours.

Agnes, please, you know how I hate the word "famous."”

He risks his life all over the world...

...fighting oppression and dictatorships...

...80 that people everywhere can pursue truth, Justice...

...and unparalleled pleasure.

I've always preferred the parallel kind myself.

Ramone.

The best table for my guests and no two-drink minimum.

Beaucoup thank yous, Monsieur Bert...

...but I'm off to find Ugarte and the Frequent Flyer coupons.

We must be on a plane tomorrow morning for the sake of the free world.

-I'm going with you to find him. -No, Agnes, walt here.

It Is much too dangerous to come with me.

Danger means nothing when I'm with you.

A real hero. A hero of global proportions.

The kind of hero who'd be welcome to...

Let's get a bottle of Jam and blow this Joint.

Very well.

It's good to see you again, Bert.

Yeah. Swell.

Maybe we'll see each other again.

Yeah. Swell.

Of all the gin Joints In all the towns In all the world...

...she walks Into yours.

Hey.

-I'm supposed to say that. -Oh, sorry.

Sorry? It's only the best line In the script.

I'm sorry.

How many times do you get a chance to say a line like that?

- I sald I'm sorry. -Oh, a lot of good sorry will do now.

Walt a minute.

I still have the airport scene.

-What? -Never mind.

Let's Just say that she and I still have something to talk about.

Evening, boss.

Sam, It's been a long and tortuous night.

The kind of night where uncertainty hangs In the air...

...Ilke cheap perfume.

When the new dawn Is your only friend...

...and yet, In Its own twisted way, your enemy as well...

...when lives are thrown tops y-turvy, the world turned upside down.

But even knowing all that, I still have to ask you.

What are you doing In this scene?

-You told me to bring the coupons. -Oh, that's right, I did.

We skipped a couple of extra scenes.

I need you so I can catch everybody up on the exposition...

...without talking to myself.

So ask me what It means, the coupons, me at the airport.

So, what's It mean, boss, the coupons, you at the airport?

It means that we're approaching the end of another chapter, Sam.

The final chapter.

Closing the book on a story that's run Its course.

English, boss.

She's getting on the plane with Laszlo.

Just like that?

Yesterday's news, tomorrow's blues. Another notch on history's bedpost.

Can It, Sam, you got It all wrong.

She's leaving all right. But she doesn't think she's leaving.

She thinks she's staying but she's not staying.

She's leaving.

She's not leaving for the reason you think she's leaving.

She's leaving for the reason I want her to...

...which has nothing to do with the reason she thinks.

-Are you with me? -Somebody's gotta be.

I told her I'd meet them here with the coupons, but she loves me, Sam.

She's not gonna wanna get on that plane.

She has a chance to make It up for leaving me that first time...

...and knowing Agnes, she'll grab It.

-Say what? -The chance, Sam.

She'll grab the chance.

I'm not gonna let her.

There are lots of ways of being the kind of man that women love.

Not all of them Include getting the girl.

Agnes.

Victor, could you put the luggage on board?

Bert and I have to speak.

Of course, dear, for trust I: the key to any relationship.

-Bert-- -There's a time for talking...

...and a time for listening.

It's time for me to do the talking for both of us.

What we feel, what we need. None of that matters anymore.

Someday you'll understand that the problems of three little people...

...don't amount to a hlll of beans In this crazy world.

Maybe someday I'll understand why I always talk llke that.

But for now...

...here's looking at you, kid.

Here's looking at me?

What does that mean, here's looking at me?

Never mind, I'm telling you...

...we've got to put aside our own deslires, our own needs.

You've got to do the right thing.

You've got to get on that plane where you belong.

Of course I'm getting on that plane. It's leaving any minute.

Besides, Victor's on board. Where else would I go?

You thought you and I...

Well, that's all right.

I understand, you're trying to be strong.

I respect that.

If It's any help, Just remember we'll always have Paris.

We were never In Paris, Bert.

Bert, I think you should rethink this whole approach.

This role Just Isn't you.

I don't wanna be mean but the truth Is...

...some guys Just can't pull this off.

Noble goodbyes are only good...

...If you're the kind of man who's hard to leave.

Don't be upset.

Being the guy who wins the girl's love Isn't everything.

There's always comic relief.

Well, gotta run.

If you're ever In Monte Carlo...

Agnes, Walt. You can't leave ma Ilka this.

You've got to glve me another chance. Who cares about France?

We're not French. The French are rude.

I was lying when I sald do the right thing and go with Victor.

You're right, I'm not that noble.

You should do the wrong thing and stay with me.

Please, Agnes, please. I was making It all up.

Just one more chance. I'm begging you.

Anything you want. I tell you, anything.

I'll pay you. Would you llke that?

I'll glve you money.

I can chang..

Whatever It takes, Just tell me what you want.

I can dress differently.

-Bert! - I can shave.

I can be taller!

Bert, get a hold of yourself.

The answer Is no. N-O, no.

And It wlll be best for everyone If you would Just let go of my ankle...

...and accept It.

You're not enough man for me.

Lost her again.

Too late for me to stop them.

France has a champion and so does Agnes DiPesto.

My life Is over.

And you know why? Because you let her say no.

You were on the right track but you didn't close the sale.

You let her take over.

You gave her the chance to reject you.

Always, I repeat, always say no before the woman can.

You will likely suffer a humiliation from which you will never recover.

Always say no before the woman can.

-Where's Agnes? -Dentist.

Listen, I know you're busy trying to make the world safe for grapefruit.

-Could I ask you something? -What Is It?

Me and the boys were kind of wondering what the outcome was.

-The outcome? -The outcome.

We can't collect on our wagers until we know what the answer ls.

-The answer to what? -To the blg question...

...that only comes along once or twice a year.

WIII Poindexter Implicate the president?

WIill Leonard take Hagler? Will Agnes consent to move In with you?

Don't you people have some blocks you can play with?

I knew It. He'd tell me If she sald yes.

She sald no, didn't she?

Nein, negativo, have a nice life.

You couldn't be more wrong, MacGlll-cruddy.

Actually, not that It's any of your business...

...she beat me to the punch.

And I wish she hadn't.

You know, a man gains a ton of perspective...

...out there on the firing line, In the dead of night...

...Just you and the dark dagger of the unknown.

You learn to think pretty clearly when the only thing standing...

...between yourself and nothingness Is your nerves and your knuckles.

You might have that experience someday.

She dropped him right on his head.

What I'm telling you Is, I tested my mettle...

...and my mettle can do a lot better than Agnes DiPesto.

I wonder how your mettle wlll do In a polygraph tut.

Hell, the poor girl got down on her hands knees and begged me.

I was afraid she'd do herself In.

I told her I'd think It over, but what I was trying to figure out...

...was how was I gonna let her down easy?

I mean, after steno skllis, what does she have to offer?

I ask you. Let's face It.

Shacking up together would he strictly a mercy proposition. Nothing more.

Agnes DiPesto does nothing more for me than a Brillo pad.

-Sorry I'm late. -Well!

Agnes, I need to talk to you.

I never needed to talk to anybody this much.

-So how'd the dentist go? -No cavities.

Great. Fantastic.

Your health, Agnes, It's numero uno.

If you have good teeth, nothing else matters.

Agnes...

...when two people set sall on a course together...

...It's Important that that course be right for both of them...

...wouldn't you agree?

Well, Agnes.

- I have done you a great disservice. -You have?

-A tremendous Injustice. - I don't understand.

I hastily placed a massive burden upon your shoulders yesterday...

...which upon reflection I feel duty-bound to lift.

Herbert, what are you blabbering about?

Is this about moving In together?

-I'm afraid so. -Herbert, I thought about It all night.

I soaked In the bathtub...

...I stared at the ceiling trying to figure out what to do.

And I kept coming back to the same answer.

Yes.

-Yes? -Yes!

It'll take some adjusting and some compromising...

...but I've never loved anyone as much as I do you.

-Really? -Really.

I can't Walt to tall everybody.

Don't!

Agnes, let's get new Jobs.

Yeah, we're launching a new life together...

...let's Just crack a bottle of champagne...

...against the whole deal, and leave Blue Moon behind too.

There's an unemployment office on the eighth floor.

In two hours we can not only be living together...

...we can be animal handlers that are living together.

This Is sleep deprivation, isn't It?

Herbert, why don't you go home...

...and Ila down with your spacial blanket?

Agnes.

You are a chamber pot In a 42 long.

I couldn't listen to her sing your praises...

...after what you sald about her.

O'Neill, send Mactflllcuddy': dental record: to the morgue...

...80 they know what they're looking at.

"Brillo pad"?

"Brillo pad"?

A pet name, sweetheart.

-Hypocrite. -Oh, Agnes, be fair.

-Coward. -That's pretty fair.

So I was on my hands and knees begging you?

So you told me you had to think about It?

II don't recall saying that.

This Is a way of puffing yourself up In front of the boys, wasn't It?

I feel sorry for you that your life Is so empty...

...that you'd resort to belittling the woman who loves you.

II don't wanna live with a llar.

And I'm not gonna spend any more time...

...where I've become a laughingstock.

Agnes, don't go.

Agnes, you can't go.

Why not?

Because If you left, I'd never be able to live with myself...

...because this was all my fault.

I'm the butt around here, not you.

I was afraid to believe that a woman like you...

...would want to live with me.

And why should you?

All I do Is I strut around here pretending to be some hotshot...

...young Junior Investigator, some renaissance man.

And all I am, all I really am Is a blowhard...

...waiting for the next crumb Mr. Addison wlil toss my way.

You shouldn't go, Agnes, I should.

II should crawl back Into the temp pool...

...and never show my face around here again.

II don't know what made me believe that I deserved someone llke you.

Where are you going?

Somewhere where I can stay out of everybody's way.

How about my place?

Agnes, why are you being 80 nice to me?

I can't stop now, Bert.

I told you I wanted to llve with you.

I wasn't lying. I never Ila.

I Just wish that you didn't feel you had to.

That was the worse thing I've ever done In my whole life.

I betrayed everything we have...

...how I feel for you.

That was a pretty crummy thing to do, Herbert.

But I think I understand why you did It.

You do?

Well, obviously I'm not the hard case I appear to be.

The fact Is, deep down, I'm Insecure...

...especially about you.

You gotta trust me, Bert.

We gotta trust each other.

I want to.

It's Just sometimes my Imagination...

This morning on the TV...

...I lost you twice.

This Isn't TV, Bert. This Is Just you and me.

I love you, Agnes DiPesto.

I love you, Herbert Viola.