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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,183 --> 00:00:19,653 Baruch Atah Ado‐‐ Ugh. 2 00:00:20,604 --> 00:00:23,864 Baruch Atah Ado‐‐ Ugh! 3 00:00:23,857 --> 00:00:27,187 You know what? This just doesn't feel right. 4 00:00:27,194 --> 00:00:31,204 Something is missing. Maybe... someone. 5 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:34,238 Oh, I don't know. How about me? 6 00:00:34,660 --> 00:00:37,620 Or should I say you? 7 00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,682 ‐ Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Lou. 8 00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:55,389 ‐ Ha, ha. Lou, please. 9 00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:58,179 ‐ Boys! Might we return to the prayer? 10 00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:01,523 ‐ Right on, Rabbi. Okay. A‐one, two, three, four... 11 00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:06,189 You know, this next prayer reminds me of my childhood, 12 00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:08,571 from way back yesterday. 13 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:12,109 I grew up on the east side, the east side of the house. 14 00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:16,080 ‐ Wow, they are committed to... that. 15 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,116 ‐ Oh, I walked in on the cutest thing last night. 16 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,290 The Lous were practicing for their first slow dance 17 00:01:20,289 --> 00:01:21,919 at today's reception. 18 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,415 ‐ Ohh. Well, that'll be tricky without any kids coming. 19 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,038 ‐ Wait, what? ‐ No kids are coming. 20 00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:28,264 Remember, the Lous wanted an intimate occasion. 21 00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:32,425 ‐ No, they said they wanted it to be an Entenmann's occasion. 22 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,426 Nothing but Entenmann's baked goods to be served. 23 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:37,598 ‐ Ohhh. That actually makes more sense. For Lou. 24 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:40,768 ‐ Wait, no one is gonna be at this reception? 25 00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:44,767 Oh. It'll be okay. Lou's got a healthy confidence. 26 00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:47,441 ‐ Lou, healthy, that's ringing a bell. 27 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,191 Wait, that's not quite right. Lou unhealthy! 28 00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:51,454 That's what it was! Oh yeah! 29 00:01:51,445 --> 00:01:53,735 The Rabbi warned us that the divorce was causing 30 00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:56,369 deep, irreparable damage and was manifesting in Lou 31 00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:58,446 using his weirdness to push kids away. 32 00:01:58,452 --> 00:02:00,952 ‐ And you're just telling me about this now? 33 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:03,084 ‐ You were there and holding flowers and‐‐ 34 00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:06,631 Oh nope, remembering now, it was a vase shaped like you. 35 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:09,457 Which is quite a compliment. That vase was fine as hell. 36 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:10,923 ‐ If something was wrong, I would know. 37 00:02:18,013 --> 00:02:19,353 ‐ And me! 38 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,734 ‐ We have to do something. 39 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:24,055 No one showing up to your Bar Mitzvah is the kind of thing 40 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,901 that traumatizes a kid for life. 41 00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:29,266 ‐ People said the same thing about me walking in on my parents having sex 42 00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:32,954 but Baby is perfectly normal, right, Mommy? 43 00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:34,945 ‐ Oh god, what have we done. 44 00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:37,117 ‐ Okay, okay. I'll fix this. 45 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:39,695 ‐ Hurry, they're break‐dancing... sort of. 46 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,041 ‐ Faster! Faster! ‐ Faster! 47 00:02:41,036 --> 00:02:43,956 ‐ Please. I am so tired. ‐ Faster! Faster! 48 00:02:43,956 --> 00:02:46,116 ‐ Keep spinning us! ‐ Keep spinning us! 49 00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,051 ‐ Melissa, I need your help‐‐ 50 00:02:54,049 --> 00:02:55,879 What the hell? I gave you $800 51 00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,764 to buy a new camera to film the Bar Mitzvah! 52 00:02:57,761 --> 00:03:00,471 ‐ Yeah, and I used it to buy a new Stark Phone. 53 00:03:00,472 --> 00:03:02,602 ‐ That's not Hebrew. You're just scatting. 54 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,639 Everyone has googly eyes! 55 00:03:04,643 --> 00:03:06,773 I take it back. Money well spent. 56 00:03:06,770 --> 00:03:09,400 ‐ And this filter makes everyone look like puppets. 57 00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,608 Uhhh! Utterly macabre! 58 00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:14,438 Now come on, I need your help to save Lou's Bar Mitzvah reception. 59 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:15,864 ‐ I didn't even get a reception. 60 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:18,413 After my Bat Mitzvah, we just broke into our neighbor's house 61 00:03:18,407 --> 00:03:19,527 while they were on vacation. 62 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,293 ‐ They had Showtime, Melissa. 63 00:03:21,285 --> 00:03:25,205 We finally got to watch Ray Donovan. I'd call that pretty memorable. 64 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:28,502 ‐ Every time I help you, it ends up blowing up in my face. 65 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:31,960 ‐ If you don't want to do it for me, do it for the Lous. 66 00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:33,132 ‐ Fine, what do you need? 67 00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:34,590 ‐ You're a teen. Get me teens. 68 00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:37,680 Hot teens! Cold teens! Poutine! Teen dreams! Dream teams! 69 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:39,846 With Scottie Pip‐een! All types of teens! 70 00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:41,135 I need teens! 71 00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:43,518 ‐ Okay, I get it. I think I know where the teens are. 72 00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:46,435 ‐ Right, the old pumpkin patch! It's hayride season! 73 00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:47,935 They'll all be in the corn maze, 74 00:03:47,936 --> 00:03:50,726 and then it's as simple as lighting it on fire and smokin' em out. 75 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:55,241 ‐ Yeah. That. Or‐‐ 76 00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:59,872 Hi, I'm a big‐time casting director for a new show called 77 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,525 That's So Torah! 78 00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:02,993 And it films today. 79 00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:04,333 ‐ Really? ‐ Yes. 80 00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:07,828 I'm looking for that "it" factor, an almost impossibly rare star quality. 81 00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:09,371 And great news, all three of you have it. 82 00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:11,004 Is that girl with you? She's got it too. 83 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,671 ‐ Are you saying we get to be on TV? 84 00:04:13,962 --> 00:04:14,712 ‐ No! 85 00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:20,179 I mean, no, not TV... it's HBO! 86 00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,597 ‐ Huh. What's it about? 87 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:25,135 ‐ It's four teenage friends who attend a Bar Mitz‐‐ 88 00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,310 ‐ It's Night Court! ‐ Right. 89 00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:28,438 It's a Bar Mitzvah meets Night Court‐‐ 90 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:31,095 ‐ No! Just Night Court. Night Court meets Night Court. 91 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:32,404 With maybe a little ALF? 92 00:04:32,397 --> 00:04:34,147 No, no! Just Night Court. 93 00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:36,569 ‐ Wait, what's Night Court? ‐ What's Night Court? 94 00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:39,278 ‐ Dad, we don't have time‐‐ 95 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,159 ‐ We are watching an episode! 96 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:44,912 Aw. 97 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,910 ‐ Okay, so you're all cast. We shoot now. Let's go. 98 00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:49,622 ‐ Uh... a real show would have auditions. 99 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:53,963 ‐ Oh it's a real show alright. It's a net‐work show. 100 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,839 Aww! 101 00:04:56,839 --> 00:04:59,259 ‐ And auditions are this way. 102 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:03,221 ‐ "Lou, do you want to dance with me? 103 00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:06,010 Also, your dad is as cool as a young person." 104 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:08,024 ‐ It's an absolute pass from me. 105 00:05:08,016 --> 00:05:09,726 ‐ Dad, we need more bodies. 106 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:11,476 You're cast. Next. 107 00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:13,438 ‐ Go ahead and waste our time I guess. 108 00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:15,938 ‐ "Lou, do you want to dance with me? 109 00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:18,861 Also, your dad is as cool as a young person." 110 00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:21,316 ‐ What? Say it again! 111 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,621 ‐ "Lou, do you‐‐" ‐ Stop! She's the one! 112 00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,615 Everyone else go home! Oh my god, Melissa‐‐ 113 00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:27,407 I'm serious, go home! 114 00:05:27,411 --> 00:05:29,201 That's So Torah! is happening. 115 00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:31,834 What's your name, girl? Say it to me in lights. 116 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:32,672 ‐ Sarah. 117 00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:34,628 ‐ Sarah! 118 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:40,337 ‐ Dad! What are you doing? It's not a real show! 119 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:44,220 ‐ It wasn't a real show! But with Sarah, anything's possible! 120 00:05:44,219 --> 00:05:46,469 ‐ It's not a real show? Okay, I'm outta here. 121 00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:48,971 ‐ No, Sarah, no! Let me get you under contract! 122 00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:52,055 Well, I hope you're happy, Melissa. 123 00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,810 You cost me getting Sarah under contract. 124 00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:56,403 It was going to be a long, horrible contract. 125 00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:58,978 I was going to have rights to any treasure she found. 126 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:01,824 I would own her bones after she died! 127 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:04,070 ‐ You just cost us all the kids! 128 00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,744 ‐ Now that the intoxicating effect of Sarah's talent is fading, 129 00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:09,583 I can see this is my fault. 130 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,498 Not just the casting, Lou's fragile emotional state. 131 00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,787 I guess the divorce has really taken a toll on him. 132 00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:16,957 ‐ Yeah, he's not the only one. 133 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,880 ‐ Of course, Todd the cool mailman! He's also taking it poorly. 134 00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:24,131 ‐ Why do I even bother? Everyone is so stupid! 135 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:27,394 ‐ Melissa, you really need to stop being so angry at the world. 136 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,467 ‐ You're a super villain, you hate the world! 137 00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:32,604 ‐ No, I don't. I just want to change it. 138 00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:34,811 Yello. 139 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,061 ‐ Tell me you got kids. 140 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:39,863 The Lous are wrapping it up after their seventh not‐demanded encore. 141 00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:41,438 ‐ And now‐‐ 142 00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:43,073 Release the doves! 143 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,950 ‐ Ah! They're bottlenecking at the elbows! 144 00:06:44,947 --> 00:06:46,527 You overfed them! 145 00:06:46,532 --> 00:06:47,822 Food is my love language! 146 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,454 What's happening? I‐I‐I can't see. 147 00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:50,491 Are you letting them do magic? 148 00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,204 ‐ They're doing something. 149 00:06:52,204 --> 00:06:53,914 I don't know, just hurry! 150 00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,254 ‐ People will be there. I promise. 151 00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:57,880 MODOK will save the day. 152 00:06:57,876 --> 00:07:00,086 This I promise you. I promise you again. 153 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:03,837 There's literally no way I will let you down. 154 00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:05,091 Oh god. 155 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,642 ‐ Why can't we go in? 156 00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:08,845 ‐ We're waiting for your Dad. ‐ Why? 157 00:07:08,846 --> 00:07:11,056 ‐ Ugh. Can't I have a conversation with one Lou 158 00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:13,136 without you batoning it back and forth? 159 00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:14,811 ‐ We don't know what‐‐ ‐ You're talking‐‐ 160 00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:15,690 ‐ ... about. 161 00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:17,556 Ahoooga! Ahoooga! 162 00:07:17,563 --> 00:07:18,903 Screech! 163 00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:19,937 Beeps. Beeps. 164 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,780 Heavy load detected in driver's seat. 165 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:22,355 Shut up! 166 00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,819 ‐ Oh, thank god. Tell me you brought kids. 167 00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:26,030 ‐ Yes! 168 00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,529 And by "yes," I mean 169 00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:30,411 at one time in their lives they were all kids 170 00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:33,869 or larvae or synthetic ingredients in a lab. 171 00:07:33,871 --> 00:07:36,791 ‐ What is this? ‐ Me saving the Bar Mitzvah 172 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,590 with the oodles and oodles of creatures I promised you. 173 00:07:39,585 --> 00:07:41,795 ‐ Hey, we're people! ‐ Not to me! 174 00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:46,546 ‐ Oh boy, that's not good. 175 00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:50,008 Hey, put that down! Give me that! 176 00:07:50,596 --> 00:07:53,466 ‐ Hey, you octogenarians want to party? 177 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,273 ‐ Come on, let us out of these restraints! 178 00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:56,977 ‐ Under no circumstances let them out. 179 00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:58,477 They will sex you to death. 180 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,438 ‐ What you mean you ain't got no Sweetleg? 181 00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:01,859 Ah, screw it! I'll do it live. 182 00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:02,767 ‐ Oh god! 183 00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:07,025 Hey! You scissored me, bro! 184 00:08:07,029 --> 00:08:08,699 ‐ He did what? 185 00:08:09,323 --> 00:08:11,163 ‐ This is delicious! ‐ Ohh! 186 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:12,988 ‐ Great catering, MODOK! 187 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,503 ‐ That's not the catering! That's the caterer! 188 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,745 ‐ Uh‐oh. 189 00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:20,207 ‐ Alright, well, just don't eat so much that you won't dance later. 190 00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:22,379 ‐ Party's a little... terrible. 191 00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:23,957 ‐ It's not all bad. 192 00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:25,512 We don't have to pay the caterer. 193 00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,216 Are the Lous having a good time at least? 194 00:08:27,216 --> 00:08:29,256 I've barely seen them. Hey there. 195 00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:31,259 Hey, little boys. You like magic, huh? 196 00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:33,511 Well, here's the church, and here's the steeple, 197 00:08:33,514 --> 00:08:34,854 open the door and‐‐ whoops. 198 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:37,098 Hang on, I forgot the people. Let me start over. 199 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:38,270 Here's the church‐‐ 200 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,558 ‐ Alright. Dance the Hora or something. 201 00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:43,522 I'll try and get more fun people here. Good time people! 202 00:08:43,524 --> 00:08:45,484 Who do you call for a good time? 203 00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:50,110 Hello, yes, I'm calling about hiring some escorts. 204 00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:52,533 Good ones. Ones 13‐year‐olds would love. 205 00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:55,083 Sorry, sir. We're actually going out of business. 206 00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:58,867 The escort industry has been decimated by the invention of Jiggle‐Os. 207 00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:01,332 They are the Uber to the prostitute's yellow cab. 208 00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:02,923 ‐ Uhh, no go on the hookers. 209 00:09:02,918 --> 00:09:05,088 ‐ I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. 210 00:09:05,087 --> 00:09:06,707 Look at them, MODOK. 211 00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:11,684 ‐ Look at me: integral! 212 00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:13,637 ‐ Oh, I haven't seen Lou this miserable 213 00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:15,307 since he learned that his outie belly button 214 00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:17,215 wasn't actually a back‐up wiener. 215 00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,434 ‐ Yeah, that really sent him spiraling last year. 216 00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:20,564 ‐ What are we gonna do? 217 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:22,521 ‐ What I should have done in the first place, 218 00:09:22,521 --> 00:09:24,651 told him we were wrong about back‐up wieners. 219 00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:25,358 ‐ MODOK! 220 00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:28,187 ‐ Okay, okay, I'll talk to him like the Rabbi said. 221 00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:31,282 ‐ Is this your card? ‐ Yes, amazing. 222 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,742 Is this your card? ‐ Yes, amazing. 223 00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,081 ‐ Hey, boys, I brought you a crumb cake. 224 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,327 No cake, only crumbs, just the way you like it. 225 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:42,879 ‐ There's a little bit of cake in there. I see it. 226 00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:45,335 ‐ This probably isn't the turnout you were hoping for. 227 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:47,085 I had so many cool teens in my sights, 228 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,917 but your sister's becoming a real anti‐netter. 229 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,633 ‐ Look, boys, there'll be plenty of time 230 00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:54,724 for you to have your first dance with a lucky girl. 231 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,970 ‐ We didn't want to dance with some lucky girl. 232 00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:58,272 ‐ Lucky girls win lotteries, 233 00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:00,555 and greed destroys everyone around them. 234 00:10:01,143 --> 00:10:03,193 ‐ I... don't understand. 235 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:04,768 ‐ This was our big day, 236 00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,731 and you've been talking to everybody but us. 237 00:10:06,732 --> 00:10:08,942 ‐ All we wanted was to dance with you. 238 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,902 ‐ Ohh! With me? 239 00:10:10,903 --> 00:10:12,283 ‐ No, with Dad. 240 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:15,119 ‐ I only carried you in my body, you ungrateful little shit. 241 00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,825 ‐ You want to dance with me? 242 00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,655 ‐ Today is about us becoming men. 243 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,950 ‐ And you're the man we admire most. 244 00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:23,422 ‐ Will you dance me into manhood? 245 00:10:23,415 --> 00:10:25,415 ‐ And me! I want manhood too! 246 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:28,172 ‐ Boys, I'm not going to dance with you. 247 00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:32,718 Without some proper dang mood lighting! 248 00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,941 ‐ I'm student class president, 249 00:10:49,942 --> 00:10:52,822 Teen Vogue's "Figure Skater to Watch" 250 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:56,029 and I never got caught for hitting that guy with my car. 251 00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:58,281 But does Dad even notice? 252 00:10:58,909 --> 00:11:02,539 ‐ Wow, you are... such a bummer. 253 00:11:02,538 --> 00:11:05,078 ‐ Hey, congrats on that triple axel. 254 00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:07,882 I get a real pleasure out of watching you skate. 255 00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:10,916 ‐ What? Are you one of those ice pervs? 256 00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:14,171 You stalking me? ‐ No, I wouldn't stalk a fly. 257 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:16,594 Though I did get arrested for stalking The Wasp. 258 00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:17,850 And She‐Hulk! 259 00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:19,926 And She‐Thing! But that's basically it. 260 00:11:19,930 --> 00:11:22,020 Uhp, there was Storm, too! 261 00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:24,975 Look, your father showed us videos of you skating at the bar. 262 00:11:24,977 --> 00:11:26,847 ‐ My Dad showed videos of me? 263 00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,274 ‐ Yeah, all the time. 264 00:11:28,272 --> 00:11:30,572 He's right, you're a really great skater. 265 00:11:30,566 --> 00:11:32,526 And a very violent drunk. 266 00:11:36,655 --> 00:11:37,945 ‐ Huh? 267 00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:43,249 ‐ So I know the last few months haven't been easy. 268 00:11:43,245 --> 00:11:45,905 ‐ Yeah. ‐ Neither is this. 269 00:11:45,914 --> 00:11:47,504 ‐ Especially the divorce. 270 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:51,043 And I'm worried you're hurting, Lou. 271 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:53,014 But pushing people away, it won't make‐‐ 272 00:11:53,005 --> 00:11:54,505 ‐ Ah, she came! 273 00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,183 Oh, hey, Carmilla! 274 00:11:56,175 --> 00:11:57,625 ‐ Hey. ‐ Hey. 275 00:11:57,634 --> 00:12:00,684 ‐ Dad, maybe we can finish this dance later, okay? 276 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:03,599 ‐ Sure, go... see your friend? 277 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:09,613 ‐ You gotta try the Sunday bar. ‐ Oh, I don't really like ice cream. 278 00:12:09,605 --> 00:12:12,935 ‐ No, no, no, it's just an empty bar where you plan your perfect Sunday. 279 00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:14,111 Mine's an outdoor shower, 280 00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:15,779 the New York Times Arts and Leisure section, 281 00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:18,107 followed by some aggressive antiquing. 282 00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,283 ‐ You guys are so weird. 283 00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:25,869 ‐ So should we... finish this dance? 284 00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:34,759 ‐ Where exactly... do we stand? 285 00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:37,925 ‐ Well, I recently watched you have sex with a robot. 286 00:12:37,925 --> 00:12:39,635 Like, a lot of times. 287 00:12:39,635 --> 00:12:40,925 ‐ And you were jealous? 288 00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:44,348 ‐ I also saw you sneak‐eat loose cold cuts 289 00:12:44,348 --> 00:12:46,348 from under the mattress during said sex. 290 00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:47,600 ‐ Then you were jealous? 291 00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:51,611 ‐ No. Look, I'm not ready to go back to the way things were, okay? 292 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,895 ‐ Yeah, me neither. Keep things chill, as is, 293 00:12:53,899 --> 00:12:56,739 except maybe go back to exactly how things were? 294 00:12:57,861 --> 00:12:59,401 ‐ Is that really what you want? 295 00:13:00,781 --> 00:13:03,911 ‐ No. Because clearly, you weren't happy. 296 00:13:03,909 --> 00:13:06,999 ‐ Look, MODOK, the dinner the other night. 297 00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:10,955 Outside of being covered in robot guts, it was pretty pleasant. 298 00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,958 So... maybe more of those? 299 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,300 ‐ I'd like that. And cold cut sex. 300 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,085 But family dinners, also solid. 301 00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,221 ‐ We're free! 302 00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:21,467 ‐ Oh no, what happened? 303 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:24,008 ‐ They told me they'd compliment me if I freed them. 304 00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:28,562 ‐ You're, uh, okay to be around and your body‐‐ 305 00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:32,059 ‐ Yes? ‐ Is... of a certain shape? 306 00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:34,152 ‐ Oh. Yeah, I think I screwed up here. 307 00:13:35,399 --> 00:13:36,779 ‐ Everyone run! 308 00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:39,275 These things will MTV's The Grind you to death! 309 00:13:39,278 --> 00:13:42,488 ‐ Bread ain't the only thing we can make challah! 310 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:54,708 ‐ Wondering how I'm alive after you thought you saw me die? 311 00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:56,840 Robot. ‐ Lucky guess! 312 00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:59,167 Time to finish what I started. 313 00:13:59,173 --> 00:14:00,843 ‐ Let's get him! 314 00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,391 ‐ You may have thought you defeated me, 315 00:14:03,385 --> 00:14:06,505 but I'm more powerful than you ever realized. 316 00:14:10,392 --> 00:14:13,652 All these months, all my manipulations, 317 00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:16,685 they've all been leading to this exact moment. 318 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,701 Dad, no! 319 00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,248 Oh no! Dad! 320 00:14:30,245 --> 00:14:31,325 ‐ Get behind me, kids! 321 00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:32,870 Lous, watch out! 322 00:14:45,719 --> 00:14:46,889 ‐ Oh my god! 323 00:14:53,519 --> 00:14:54,349 ‐ No! 324 00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:12,575 ‐ Please. 325 00:15:12,996 --> 00:15:16,076 I'm not the enemy. It's about our future‐‐ 326 00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:19,293 ‐ Yeah, yeah, I failed us. And you came here to get revenge on me. 327 00:15:19,294 --> 00:15:21,964 ‐ No. I came here to give you what you always wanted. 328 00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:25,094 I came to give you the world. I can show you what that looks like! 329 00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,472 ‐ Why should I trust you? ‐ We're the same person. 330 00:15:27,469 --> 00:15:28,969 Look at me and tell me I'm lying. 331 00:15:29,555 --> 00:15:31,305 ‐ My honest face! 332 00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:33,926 Okay, show me. But don't try anything. 333 00:15:33,934 --> 00:15:35,604 ‐ I won't. ‐ I would. 334 00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,112 ‐ Well, I'm telling you I won't. ‐ Well, I want to believe you. 335 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:40,225 ‐ Then believe me. Would it help if I promised? 336 00:15:40,232 --> 00:15:41,532 ‐ A little. ‐ I promise. 337 00:15:41,525 --> 00:15:43,025 ‐ Wait, did you just wink? ‐ No. 338 00:15:43,026 --> 00:15:45,066 ‐ Wait, wait, did I just wink? ‐ I don't think so. 339 00:15:45,070 --> 00:15:47,360 ‐ Maybe you didn't see me wink because you were too busy winking. 340 00:15:47,364 --> 00:15:50,704 ‐ Or maybe you didn't see me not wink because you were too busy winking? 341 00:15:50,701 --> 00:15:52,241 ‐ Should we both wink on the count of five? 342 00:15:52,244 --> 00:15:52,954 ‐ No. 343 00:15:53,537 --> 00:15:55,077 ‐ Yeah. Let's just get out of here. 344 00:16:05,799 --> 00:16:08,259 We met previously in an alternate timeline 345 00:16:08,260 --> 00:16:10,470 where you traveled back to a concert with your wife. 346 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,470 ‐ Nope, don't remember that. And I remember everything. 347 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,732 The name of the bad guys in SpaceJam are the Monstars. Boom! 348 00:16:14,725 --> 00:16:16,475 ‐ You don't remember because it was erased. 349 00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:23,233 But I was not. 350 00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:26,613 Because of these crystals in my head, I became unstuck in time. 351 00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:34,116 A remnant from a timeline that never happened. 352 00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:36,459 ‐ You are but one of the many I will crush along my path 353 00:16:36,455 --> 00:16:37,955 to self‐assured greatness! 354 00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:39,826 For the future is MODOK! 355 00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:43,997 ‐ No longer MODOK, I became 356 00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:45,764 The Anomaly! 357 00:16:45,756 --> 00:16:47,216 In fact please call me that from here on out. 358 00:16:47,216 --> 00:16:48,336 It's how I've been signing my checks. 359 00:16:48,342 --> 00:16:50,512 ‐ Is the shop officially closed on that? 360 00:16:50,511 --> 00:16:51,601 ‐ Oh, you can do better? 361 00:16:51,595 --> 00:16:54,765 ‐ Uh, TimeyMcjumper? Doesn't‐Need‐No‐Watch‐Guy? 362 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:59,101 ‐ Oh, that last one sounded promising. 363 00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:01,732 Couldn't make it out with all the mumbling. What was it? 364 00:17:02,397 --> 00:17:03,607 ‐ The Anomaly's fine. 365 00:17:03,607 --> 00:17:06,067 ‐ Anyway, the crystals sent me spiraling, 366 00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,318 not only through time but space as well. 367 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,530 Into alternate futures, our futures. 368 00:17:10,531 --> 00:17:12,991 Where I witnessed every single one of them. 369 00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:18,959 Each ending in failure. 370 00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:32,925 ‐ Hawkeye gets me? Well, at least it can't get any worse. 371 00:17:32,928 --> 00:17:34,558 ‐ Oh, it does. 372 00:17:37,683 --> 00:17:38,983 ‐ Turkey Man? 373 00:17:41,562 --> 00:17:43,812 ‐ Ugh. Okay, well, now it can't get any‐‐ 374 00:17:43,814 --> 00:17:44,904 ‐ Wait for it. 375 00:17:49,862 --> 00:17:52,822 ‐ Get comfortable. This toilet death series goes on for a hot minute. 376 00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:00,080 ‐ Make it stop! 377 00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:04,002 Oh, here were go. 378 00:18:06,128 --> 00:18:07,798 ‐ They broke my invention. 379 00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:10,216 They... they called me "Big Head." 380 00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:13,755 One day that big, beautiful, womb‐wrecking head of yours 381 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,010 is going to dream up fantastic things. 382 00:18:16,013 --> 00:18:18,433 And you're going to change the world. 383 00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:22,266 And you're going to change the world. 384 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:24,269 ...change the world. 385 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:25,401 ...the world. 386 00:18:27,399 --> 00:18:31,449 ‐ All these years, experimenting on myself, building AIM, 387 00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:34,572 trying to conquer the world and make a better future, 388 00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:38,577 only to be undone by choking 389 00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:40,946 on toilet lasagna. 390 00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:42,794 ‐ Technically, you only choked a few times. 391 00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:45,749 Other times your heart exploded, you died of constipation, 392 00:18:45,751 --> 00:18:48,671 and one time you drowned in the bowl which was really impressive. 393 00:18:48,670 --> 00:18:53,090 ‐ Why? Why show me that my entire lifetime is meaningless? 394 00:18:53,091 --> 00:18:55,551 Why show me that my dreams are a joke? 395 00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:58,352 ‐ Because you needed to appreciate it. 396 00:18:58,347 --> 00:19:01,977 The one possible future out of a million 397 00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:03,595 where you succeed. 398 00:19:17,282 --> 00:19:19,832 ‐ I... I did this? 399 00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:21,826 I mean, I do this? How? 400 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:25,328 ‐ When I first learned you had a family, I thought they were a weakness. 401 00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:27,672 Something preventing us from achieving greatness. 402 00:19:27,668 --> 00:19:30,668 But after traveling through time, I learned I was wrong. 403 00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:35,258 Your love for your family is what makes all of this possible. 404 00:19:35,259 --> 00:19:37,389 ‐ No! I want to see it all. I'm not‐‐ 405 00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,062 Ohh! 406 00:19:41,515 --> 00:19:43,675 ...ready to leave this place. 407 00:19:43,684 --> 00:19:46,234 ‐ Your family is the key. ‐ How? 408 00:19:46,228 --> 00:19:49,058 ‐ They make it all possible... by dying! 409 00:19:49,064 --> 00:19:50,324 ‐ No! ‐ Yes! 410 00:19:50,315 --> 00:19:53,355 ‐ Their deaths break you. The grief and trauma fuels you. 411 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,450 Gives you the edge to beat the Avengers, to conquer the entire world, 412 00:19:56,446 --> 00:19:59,826 to become the Emperor MODOK you've always dreamed of! 413 00:19:59,825 --> 00:20:01,785 It's their final gift. 414 00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:04,035 ‐ Absolutely not! I'll find another way. 415 00:20:04,037 --> 00:20:06,997 T‐t‐the new organization that I started with Monica‐‐ 416 00:20:06,999 --> 00:20:08,919 ‐ Never leaves the strip mall. 417 00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:12,004 ‐ Have you gone through all of the permutations? 418 00:20:12,004 --> 00:20:15,384 What if I work longer hours? Eat better? Start wearing chinos? 419 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:19,643 ‐ Ooh, I would love to get you into a nice pair of chinos. 420 00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:23,056 But it wouldn't change a thing. I've seen every possibility. 421 00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:25,846 ‐ No, I'll find a way. I mean, I beat you, didn't I? 422 00:20:25,851 --> 00:20:30,481 ‐ Yes, in a glorious metaphor, you defeated yourself. 423 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,520 It has to be this way. 424 00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:36,074 Now let me be what the world has labeled us: a villain. 425 00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:40,739 Let me do this so that you can finally achieve 426 00:20:41,116 --> 00:20:42,986 your destiny. 427 00:20:42,993 --> 00:20:44,623 ‐ I can't. 428 00:20:55,506 --> 00:20:59,376 And you're going to change the world. 429 00:20:59,384 --> 00:21:01,894 ‐ I can't... do that. 430 00:21:02,387 --> 00:21:04,847 ‐ I know. But I can. 431 00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:07,392 That's why I'm here. 432 00:21:36,296 --> 00:21:37,586 ‐ Quite the big day, sir. 433 00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:40,339 They're unveiling the statue depicting the other statue being made 434 00:21:40,342 --> 00:21:43,762 to commemorate the even bigger statue of you at the center of the city. 435 00:21:43,762 --> 00:21:46,562 While you're away, we'll have your Iron Throne cleaned. 436 00:21:46,557 --> 00:21:49,887 But not before I get a big ol' sniffer of m'lord's heavenly hind smell. 437 00:22:03,782 --> 00:22:04,992 ‐ Fire up the machine. 438 00:22:04,992 --> 00:22:07,582 ‐ He can't take any more. It'll kill him. 439 00:22:07,578 --> 00:22:09,958 ‐ Fire... it... up. 440 00:22:16,545 --> 00:22:18,835 ‐ For the millionth time, 441 00:22:18,839 --> 00:22:20,509 it won't work. 442 00:22:20,507 --> 00:22:22,677 You can't have it all. 443 00:22:23,135 --> 00:22:24,965 ‐ Yes, I can. 444 00:22:24,970 --> 00:22:27,010 I'm very special. 445 00:22:29,641 --> 00:22:30,981 ‐ Spoiler alert: 446 00:22:30,976 --> 00:22:34,186 I plan to release doves during my Torah reading. 447 00:22:34,188 --> 00:22:36,358 Magic? Lou, why can't you just pick 448 00:22:36,356 --> 00:22:37,936 a normal teenage boy theme? 449 00:22:37,941 --> 00:22:41,071 Like sports. Or tugboats? 450 00:22:41,069 --> 00:22:43,529 I hate my life! 451 00:22:43,530 --> 00:22:44,910 ‐ Aw, Melissa‐‐ 452 00:22:45,407 --> 00:22:46,907 ‐ No. No! 453 00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:55,079 ‐ He's dead. And without the crystals, there's no way to go back in time. 454 00:22:55,083 --> 00:22:56,713 ‐ I will find a way. 455 00:22:56,710 --> 00:22:59,000 I will save my family and bring them here! 456 00:22:59,338 --> 00:23:03,008 MODOK will have it all! 35720

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