All language subtitles for Mad About You S06E04 Uncle Phil And The Coupons.DVDRip.NonHI.cc.en.MLLCRK

Watch me.

Voila!

I gave birth.

Why does she have to
interview for preschool?

If we want to get her into the
best schools later, we have...

I understand she has to
go to the best preschool.

It's just... I don't know.
It's just all so creepy.

You know what I
did for preschool?

I bounced tiny trucks off Ira's head,
until it was time for kindergarten.

There you go. Let's show
daddy your manicure. Look.

Oh, stunning!

Stunning. Hey, you know what?

Even if you blow
the essay question,

they'll take you on your nails.

Okay. You take her.

Mommy's gonna
eat a piece of turkey.

Daddy's in charge.

Hey, hey!

She says daddy's in
charge, but you know what?

Not really.

Hey, do you know what
happened to all those coupons?

What coupons?

The free-stuff coupons that we're
supposed to send to uncle Phil.

Look in the drawer.

All right, 'cause we
need them for today.

Yeah, he wants to buy
Mabel that teeter-totter.

He said there's a coupon for it.

He said there's also
one for talcum powder.

We should have
one for tuna fish,

and something
about discount veal.

What?

The baby.

The baby! Yes!

The baby, I forgot. Okay.

I forgot.

Hey, look at this one. 50
percent off crunchy peanut butter.

What size?

Uh,

"Fifteen-pound drum only."

Exactly. Why does he need that?

Honey, needs it, uses
it, not so important.

But get it for less, yes!

Why doesn't he clip
his own coupons?

Oh, he does, but he also
takes ours and my parents

and everybody in the world's,

then he goes into a store
and just unloads them.

It's a felony. You know that.

What's a felony?

It is. I read a whole
thing in The Times

about some woman who made, like, $60,000
clipping coupons. They threw her in jail.

Really? Was she in the cell

with all the people who tear
the tags off of mattresses?

I'm telling you,
it's a real thing.

All right. When we
go to the store today,

you explain it to uncle Phil.

Yeah. Would you be
tremendously upset

if I didn't go with you to that?

Why?

Uh, I'm supposed to
do this thing with Ira.

What thing?

It's, uh, with Ira. Oh! What
did people do before turkey?

What kind of a thing
are you doing with Ira?

Mmm, it's something, uh, it's
something he wants me to do with him.

He wants me to do something.

What, you don't know what it is?

Uh, it's like, um...

What, like a personal thing?

I think so.

Ira needs you for
something personal?

I think that's what it is.

You're seriously
not gonna tell me?

I think it's, like,
this personal thing.

Love you.

So, tell me about Mabel.

She loves music and dancing.

She really loves books.

Loves books.

She has a real ear
for the spoken word.

And languages, especially
foreign languages.

And Mabel is how old?

Uh, end of next week,
she'll be almost a month.

Ms. Paris, Justin wants
you to hug him goodbye.

Will you please excuse
me just for one moment?

PAUL & JAMIE: Sure

So, where are you going
with Ira that's so personal?

Nowhere. Is this
dress too cutesy?

Huh? No. Is he
sick or something?

Who's that?

Ira. No.

Is he getting another perm?

I'm not gonna
tell you, so drop it.

I'm sorry for the interruption.

No problem. That's okay.

Well... Did we mention museums?

'Cause we're taking her
to museums all the time.

You did. Listen,

Mabel seems like
a wonderful child,

and you seem like
wonderful parents.

Thanks. Thanks

Well, a child is such a...

Listen, I'm going to be
presenting your application

to our board of
directors this evening,

and we should have an
answer for you tomorrow.

Okay, great. That's nice.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

I got it. I know what it is.

You and Ira are making a
surprise party for my half birthday.

Yeah. That's it.

The dolphin, right?

Ira: that's the one.

Wait! What now?

Maybe we should
go for the starfish.

Oh... I'm sorry.

No. Hey, you take your time.

This is a very
important decision.

I'll tell you what. I'm
gonna go in the other room.

Why don't you and your old
man put your heads together

and see if you can pick a fish.

What? Well, he thinks
we're together, you and I.

Yeah. How about an Aztec sun?

Oh, that's cool. I'll bet
you Paulie would love that.

Don't say a word of this
to him, you understand?

James, you know,
I got to tell you.

I'm not privy to
the intimate details

of your personal life,

But it seems to me that if you're
gonna get a tattoo on your body,

your husband is gonna
stumble upon it eventually.

Yeah, eventually. By
that time, it'll be mine

and he won't be
able to take it away

Or talk me out of
it or make fun of it.

He is gonna eat this
thing up, I'm telling you.

There is nothing sexier to a
guy than a woman with a tattoo.

I just wanted to do something.

I'm telling you, it's okay.
You want to look cool.

I don't want to look cool.

I understand. I do.
You want to feel sexy.

It's not about...

You want to feel
a little bit funky.

Not funky. I...

You want to do
something unconventional.

You want to do something
with a little edge, a little bite.

You want to be reminded
of who you used to be.

Yes. Yeah. You
want to look cool.

Oh...

So what do you think?

I can't make up my mind.

W-we're gonna sleep on it.

All right. Okay, we'll be back.

Sorry about the old
ball and chain, pal.

Say no more.

All right, here we are.

Found the yellow
truck, uncle Phil

Uncle Phil?

This is already a cute hat.

Oh...

Great.

And not only is it a hat,

You take the ears, you
wrap it around your throat...

Bang! You got a scarf.

It's a wonderful hat.

For winter, winter
in New York... Sure.

Coming soon. It's perfect.

Not only that...

Could be a hat, could be a dog.

Make an intruder
think twice, see? Sure.

Put it in a dark room,
intruder comes in,

He says, "it's only a hat. Ooh!

It's a dog."

Now he's scared.
You could scare him.

That's the hat my
daughter has to have.

Your daughter
will love this hat.

I can't believe how much
stuff you're giving her.

Ah, let a man be generous.

Let a man give to a child.

Well, it's just... it's just
that you're giving so much.

Well, it costs me
virtually nothing.

What are you talking about?

Coupons!

You've got coupons
for everything here?

See that hat? Yeah.

Thirty dollars in the
store with these coupons

What? I don't know.

Seven Cents.

I don't know 'cause
Jamie told me,

that if you use these, sometimes
you can get into trouble.

Trouble.

Well, she said trouble.
You can get into trouble.

Look here. It
says, "violators"...

Violators, shmiolators.

"Violators will be prosecuted."

Prosecuted, shmosecuted.
Will you stop already?

It's what they said.

Look. See the dotted
line, all the dotted lines?

You know why they put
this? it's not an eye test.

They put them there for you to
cut. They want you to take them.

All right. They're hurt
when you don't take them.

All right. I'm just
looking at what it says.

"Only one per customer." You're only
supposed to have one per customer.

One per customer, sure.

Well, I'm a customer. Right.

You're a customer. Yes.

Ira's a customer.

You got these
from every relative?

I get them from
not only relatives,

I get them from neighbors,

people in the building.

I'm very popular.

I'll tell ya.

If I were to decide,
today to run for mayor,

I'm telling ya. I wouldn't
lose by more than 5 votes.

Six, the most. All right.

So we'll use the coupons.

I don't know, I always
heard growing up,

there's no such
thing as a free lunch.

Here. Free lunch.

All right. When you're
right, you're right.

Absolutely. I think we got,

more than anything
a child... Wait.

Could possibly... Wait a minute.

Ointments. We got ointments.

Don't tell me a child couldn't
use baby oil, a little baby cream.

We have plenty of that.

Every child needs more
baby cream than you think.

The average 10-pound
child, I would say,

Is about Eight pounds child,

two Pounds ointment,
creams, and emollients.

I didn't know that. Absolutely.

Then we'd be foolish
not to take that.

No. Let's take
more. What the hell.

All right. I think
we're covered.

That's three, we should load up.

We're loaded up.

You're gonna have
a shiny, smooth child.

Okay.

Hi, can I help you?

Yeah. Absolutely.

We would like to
redeem these coupons.

We have some more coupons here.

We have just a few
more... Here to redeem.

Thank you very much. Okay.

And if we're not being
too presumptuous,

we have more over here.

And let's not forget that diligently
saving gives us even more...

Coupons, coupons,
coupons, coupons.

Excuse me...

You're saying all of
these coupons are yours?

Of course.

Really, all of these?

Every one, every single one.

And you want to redeem them?

I want to redeem
them. Yes, I do.

Uh, I'll be right back.

You'll be right back, and
we'll be here waiting for you

to come right back here
to redeem the coupons.

I had no idea you had
this many coupons.

We could get in
trouble for this.

No trouble. You could because...

Oh, please. You're such
a gloomy doomy guy.

No. This is what...

This is America. It's
America. Think positive.

Paulie, listen to your uncle.

♪ Beyond

♪ The blue horizon

I get it, but still...

♪ It's a beautiful day

Yes. Of coarse.

♪ Goodbye to things that bore me

Together!

♪ My future's waiting for me

But... ♪ I see a new

♪ I see a new

♪ I see... ♪

I see big trouble.

Yes.

Mom, we all have to go to court.

Ma, look, it's just a
preliminary hearing.

Yeah, it's a hearing.

I don't know. I'm sure a
pants suit would be fine.

What school could turn down

such an obviously
artistic child?

They'll be lucky to have her.

Now, don't cry. Ma, don't cry.

Don't...

Mom's crying.

I'll get these paints put away.

Why don't you get her
washed up for the interview?

Okay. Somebody needs
to get their feet washed.

Not too hot with
the water, honey.

I know.

What did you just say?

What?

You just call her "honey"?

No.

Okay, but I didn't mean to.

What is going on with you two?

Nothing.

Come on, you're using
terms of endearment.

You're going on
secret errands together.

I know what it is.

Are you guys getting married?

Is that it? Just tell me,

'Cause I don't want to
hear about it on the street.

You're embarrassing me.

Just tell me what the
secret errand is. Come on.

Don't do this to me, okay?

I promised her I
would not tell you.

You promised her?

Yes.

She said she promised you.

Oh. Whatever it is.

Wait, wait, wait.

So this is not even
your personal thing?

It's her personal thing?

I don't even know
what you're saying.

I can't believe your
loyalty is to her over me.

Hey, I didn't say that Paulie...

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Paulie...

Would you... just come on.

I will never tell her
that you told me.

You promise? Yes.

Okay, so, if I tell you,

It's not like I broke
my promise, right?

In a mind without
shame, not at all.

Okay, hey.

She's getting a tattoo.

She's what?

Yeah. See? Oh, why...

That's exactly why
she didn't tell you,

because she knew you
could not be supportive.

Why would I be supportive
of something stupid like that?

Why... What's the matter
with getting a tattoo?

Oh, it's just... why,
why, come on. Hey.

First of all, it's unhealthy.

It's perfectly healthy.

All right. I don't like it.

Paulie, come on.

And also, she's defacing the
god-given perfection that is her.

Well, that's a good one.

Yeah, see?

You know what I mean?

But, if I may, it is her body.

Okay, A, you may not. All right?

And Two... would
you put a tattoo

On the Mona Lisa, huh?

Would you tattoo
the venus de milo?

If they ask me to.

Y-you don't mess
with perfection, okay?

All right, all right.
You make a point.

Yes, I made a point. Now,
I'm gonna make it to Jamie.

Paulie, no. Wait.

I don't want James to
know I broke her confidence.

Well, you should have thought
of that before you told me.

Let me talk to her, all right?

When? In my own time.

What are you gonna say?
I'll say something good.

All right, you
better, 'cause if not,

What?

I'm not gonna let you marry her.

Okay, here we go.

Wait, wait. Okay. Come on.

What is it?

Have you by any chance, read...

This month's new england
journal of medicine?

This month's? No.

There was an article
on tattooing is all.

And, you know,
apparently in many cases,

Uh, a festering takes place.

A festering?

Yeah. The body,
sometimes rejects the ink.

Rejects the ink?

Oh, for god's sake.

I'm just telling
you what I read.

One guy, had to have it erased,
and he was allergic to the eraser.

Oh, my god. What?

He got to you. Who?

Paul. No.

Yes, he did. What?

He got to you, and you
told him about the tattoo.

No! And now you're
his hatchet man.

James, I'm so sorry. I
didn't mean to tell him.

You know what? Go
home. Give me the baby.

No, please... Go
home. I don't need you.

Now, James, if I may
say, in my opinion,

You... you are perfect
the way you are.

Don't start with that.

You two should go
to couple's counseling.

I wasn't going to
say anything, James,

but would you put a
tattoo on whistler's mother?

What?

James, you're
like a masterpiece.

You should not change that.

That's a very
sweet thing to say.

Yeah, it's what
I happen to feel.

Is that you talking or Paul?

It's me.

You swear?

Yes.

Why doesn't Paul ever
say things like that?

I can only speak for myself.

On behalf of the Hanover
school, congratulations

We'd like to welcome
Mabel to the fold.

Thank you so much. Very much.

Now just some other
standard questions.

Shoot.

Are you both U.S. Citizens?

Both born and bred.

Very good. And you
reside in New York city?

Yes, we do.

One last question, and I
hate to even have to ask this,

But you've never been
convicted of a felony, have you?

No, we haven't.

When you say "convicted"...

I had her in the school.

All right, I panicked,
okay? I'm sorry.

No one has been
convicted of anything.

I never even used
the coupons. Never.

I just clipped them
and sent them to Phil

As per his instructions.

What he did with them
is not our business.

We should not be here today.

We're all in this
together, okay?

Yes, yes, but it's
entirely his fault.

Look, he's going down and
is taking us down with him.

All right... Next case.

Docket number 4736,

The colossal food & toy
company vs. Phillip Irwin buchman.

Objection! What?

I don't use the name
"Irwin" anymore.

All right then.

Phillip Buchman.

Better.

Counsel, what is the
nature of your complaint?

Your honor, we will
prove beyond doubt

that Phillip Irwin Buchma...

Hey! Hey!

That Phillip Buchman...

Along with his relatives,
who were willing accomplices,

did knowingly seek to defraud

The colossal food
& toy company

With the unlawful hoarding

and fraudulent redemption,

of price-reduction coupons.

Mr. Buchman...

How do you answer the charges?

The charges are answered
in the following manner:

Response noted.

Now the coupons... Your Honor,

he says "coo-pons",
I say "kew-pons".

Let's call the whole thing off.

Counsel, you may proceed.

I'd like to call to the
stand my first witness...

Mr. Phillip Buchman.

Ahh! Just when I
was sitting down.

You know, this is
a travesty of justice.

Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the
truth, so help you god?

More than less.

Mr. Buchman...

In order for you to have accumulated
as many coupons as we've confiscated,

You personally, in
the last six months,

would have to have consumed

350 pounds of good
n' salty crackers...

Yes.

1,000 bottles of Dr. Hirsch's
very cherry soft drink...

Yes.

And purchased 380
pounds of pretty kitty cat food.

Yes!

Mr. Buchman,

do you even own a cat?

You mean, at the present time
as we're talking to each other?

Yes. No.

All right, Mr. Buchman...

Let's talk about...

The crackers.

All right.

Let's talk about the crackers.

You're a thin man.

I read labels.

Now, Mr. Buchman,

Do you seriously mean to
contend that you have eaten

320,000 good n' salty crackers?

Your Honor,

the man is assuming
and presuming.

How does he know what
I eat and what I don't eat?

This man is awash,

afloat in a sea of
assumption and presumption.

Mr. Buchman, this court has
never witnessed anything like this...

Witness, that's a
good idea. Witness.

Your Honor, I'd like
to call my first witness,

the guy with the double-breasted
suit and the ferragamo shoes.

Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the
truth, so help you god?

I do.

Your Honor, if it please
the court, And I think it will.

You call yourself a lawyer.

Do you have any evidence?

Do you have one eyewitness...

That has seen me not
eat 320,000 crackers?

Well, we...

Did you have an eyewitness

Who saw me not
drink 2,000 bottles

Of very cherry pop delight?

Well... which you need,

by the way, to wash
down 320,000 crackers.

You work for a big fat company.

You're their puppet.

You're the puppet
for a fat company.

And you wanna put me in prison?

A simple, rather
good-looking, little old man.

Shame.

Shame.

Think! Think back when
you were a law student,

When you thought you could do
something, you could help people.

You thought about justice,
humanity, and goodness.

And your parents.
Think about your parents,

how they struggled to
send you to law school.

What did they do to
send you to law school?

Well, they...

They what?

They both worked very hard.

Yes, they worked hard. And?

They borrowed money.

And they borrowed money. And?

They cut corners
wherever they could.

They cut... what
else did they cut?

Nothing.

What else did they cut
to send you to law school?

Nothing! They cut nothing!

What else besides
nothing did they cut?

Coupons!

Coupons! They cut coupons!

I rest my case.

Your Honor, let me
hear the magic words.

Case dismissed. Yay!

You wanna see it? - No.

I think you might like it.

Okay, let me see it.

It's just, you know,
you're my wife,

You're the mother of my child.

Defaced, defaced like
a high-school locker.

You know, I don't
wanna have to...

Hey, look at that!

Do you like it?

Look at that.

It's a little heart. Yeah.

There's nothing
wrong with a little heart.

No.

In fact, you gotta
have heart. Exactly.

I was gonna put it on my arm,

and then Ira thought maybe
a more private neighborhood.

Ohh, well, good for him.

This is a nice neighborhood.

This is a whole new side of you.

This is, uh, you
know, it's naughty

and yet at the same time

it's a little... Naughty.

Wow, you and I haven't
visited this neighborhood

in a long time.

Ohh, good.

Wait, where are you going?

What?

I'm still looking at
the neighborhood.

Well, take your time.

No, I... This is very nice.

Sweetie, at some
point, I was thinking

of making my way
into the kitchen.

Don't go to the kitchen.

Come here.

I'll go in the kitchen later.

Whoops.

And there goes the neighborhood.

♪ Heaven

♪ I'm in heaven

♪ And my heart beats so

♪ That I can hardly speak

♪ And I seem to find
the happiness I seek

♪ When we're out together
dancin' cheek to cheek

♪ Heaven

♪ I'm in heaven

♪ And the cares
that hung around me

♪ Through the week

♪ Seem to vanish like
a gambler's lucky streak

♪ When we're out together

♪ Dancin' cheek to cheek

♪ Heaven

♪ I'm in heaven...

♪ I'm in... ♪