Original subtitles

I know it's not easy to tell, but is Smiler looking more miserable than usual? He's looking for love.

Has he thought of marrying instead? With a face like that, it's more suitable. I've been married.

She left. I expect she couldn't take the excitement. She should've said.

I could've lowered my sparkle a bit. Maybe it's nothing personal.

Maybe she thought tha were dead. I could liven up for the right person. I don't want anything flash.

Just as well, because I don't think tha's GOIN' to get anything flash. Have you any experience of flash?

I play the mouth organ. Only sadly.

I LIKE sadly. Oi! Enough. If I want depressing, it's available at home.

In all sizes. Our lass and her sister keep a full range.

HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE "Here's looking at you, kid."

CLICK-CLICK!

Have you been too long in the fumes from that window cleaning stuff?

You haven't forgotten our click?! It got you going in the old days.

Oh, THAT click.

CLICK-CLICK!

How come it doesn't work any more?

Maybe cos it's hard to distinguish from your new-false-teeth clicks.

Why is it you don't look at me like you used to? What, in amazement?

I still do. When you were young, you used to look at me like I was Mr Magnifico.

Ooh - not only young but stupid.

You didn't think that when I used to sneak up on you and nibble your ear.

Oh, it were you, were it? Course it was me.

Now, that's how I used to look at you.

I don't think he even saw us.

Maybe he heard you clicking. See what happens?

My mistake. I thought there was someone at the door. Oh, sorry, yes,

come in...

Shouldn't I be saying that? Oh, right. Yes, it's me to come in.

How do, Truly?

LOUD KNOCK

Mrs Leland!

Hey up! He thinks he's a Mrs Leland.

Do you think he'll want the best china?

Cleggy, do you think I look attractive?

That's two going strange. Is it their annual outing? He looks a bit odd this morning.

Looks better than thee in that pinny. SHE dresses me up like this,

then she forgets how attractive she used to find me. I can see how that could skip somebody's mind.

First name - Norris.

Mrs Norris Leland...

He can have the best china but I'll not start calling him Mrs Leland.

Why would he want to be a Mrs Leland? You tell us.

Tha's the one in the pinny. Enough of being a doormat for the wife!

Time she was reminded who's boss. Ooh! What's tha going to do, Howard? I'm going to INSIST

on a plain pinny. No frills.

A butcher's apron. One or two nasty stains.

Not real blood?!

Tomato sauce? I like it!

Don't look now, but I think we're being stared at

by a Mrs Leland. ..Who's coming with me?

To be a lady? I don't think so. To meet this fellow. Norris Leland.

If you're going to meet somebody, why do you need company? Not company exactly. It's more your backup.

Who's put thy back up? ..Wouldn't surprise me if it's that bloke Doris. Backup.

Police training - unless there's no option, you never go into a tricky situation without some backup.

Are we to understand this is some dangerous situation you're kindly inviting us into?

Well, it has the potential for being nasty.

Sounds more attractive by the minute. Who is this Norris Leland?

He's the bloke who's married the former Mrs Truelove. ..Ye gods! You don't suppose he'd bring her along?

Don't panic. She can't hurt thee now she's remarried. She'd be offside.

Never being one to pry... What is actually in the letter?

He's got some insurance papers that need my signature. Read the small print. There may be a clause

which lets him send her back.

How much money that could've gone to a better cause have you spent on that dating agency? I told him!

He should've got a season ticket. Have they found you anybody yet?

Or have you been reduced in their sale? They nearly found me somebody last month. I sent her a photo,

but then she had to stay in and build a patio.

It so happens that a good fairy is just about to come to your rescue.

Instead of wasting your money, why not spend wisely with another agency who can do you good?

There isn't another one round here. Oh, really?

Take a business card. You?

Since when have you run a dating agency?

Since I saw how much he's spending. The cards are yours to keep

for 5p each, refundable on signature of your first contract.

Have you got any females on your books?

How about, just for openers, two sisters, unattached,

former showgirls? Any more questions?

Will you take a cheque?

I shouldn't be standing out here in the open. He could be some sort of lunatic. He MARRIED her.

Well, YOU married her. Exactly. You see what I mean?

Stay here, I'll wait there till you make sure she's not with him.

RUMBA MUSIC

CRASH!

SPAGHETTI-WESTERN MUSIC

She said you were a hard man.

Me?

I used to be a lino salesman.

You're not still carrying your Stanley knife?

It's him you want.

Is he alone? He's alone.

Mr Truelove? Correct.

Mr Leland? Correct.

I suppose these are the thugs you've brought to intimidate me?

Hey up! I'm a direct descendant of Robin Hood. Oh, take what you want. She warned me to bring no valuables.

Put your hands down. These two couldn't intimidate a Brownie.

Some of them are nasty, those Brownies!

Is there somewhere we could go? I-I think it's only fair to give you time to study the papers.

I intend to. I intend to have 'em looked at by my financial adviser.

She said you'd say that. They're all above-board. We've no objection.

His financial adviser? I hope it's not me or thee.

Are these two gentlemen coming? I thought you'd be alone. I intended to be, but they insisted on coming.

I find that somewhat sinister. If you can brave my missus, you can cope with these two.

She's not your missus. Sorry.

The exit's this way. Yeah, I know, I can read the sign!

This is gonna be a laugh a minute. He wants taking somewhere where we can liven him up a bit.

Not everybody drinks, you know.

Yeah, I've read that.

Morning, Ivy! Now, a quiet corner table please, Ivy, where one can discuss a little private business.

They're all private! Who'd listen in on YOU? You don't think anyone's interested in YOUR business?!

(Who is he?) His tango instructor. I'll tango you, in a minute!

They're, er, they're sort of vaguely related.

Oh, you mean like Billy is to his brains?

I love coming here. It's just like being at home.

It's the bloke who married his former missus. What's he come for,

her log book? Just something for him to sign. It must be funny staring at your wife's husband

and he's happily married. I wouldn't say "happily".

He's just bearing up. Oh, he told you that?

Well, you don't ask. These things are personal.

You seem to know enough about it, anyway. Who else have you told?

Me? Nobody. My lips are sealed.

You popped in the paper shop. How many did you tell? I bumped into one of my former Merry Men.

Merry Man. You only had one. Well, he was there. Entirely trustworthy. A former comrade in arms.

We're being stared at. Well, they're curious.

To see what you look like. So was I. Me, too. I suppose she gave you a description of me.

Several. But you came anyway. It was that or SHE would've had to come.

You made the right decision.

Do you think we could go somewhere quieter?

You CAN come in, Barry. No need to stay in the kitchen just cos the ladies are here.

I like the kitchen. Honest! It's only when they're here

that I realise how MUCH I like it. They won't bite. Really?

I wouldn't expose my neck to your mother.

So how long's this person been married to Mr Truelove's wife?

Oh, I don't think for a minute she's still Mr Truelove's wife. Well, no,

that might be too complicated.

Interesting, but complicated.

Two husbands? I'd have thought one would've been enough.

Even a small one. I've got all I want, thank you,

sitting in the kitchen. Ooh(!)

A new washing machine? That's nice. I don't know why some of YOU married at all.

We've ALL wondered that.

Has anybody seen him? What does he look like, this second husband? PHONE RINGS

Hello...? Oh, hello, Mr Truelove... Insurance forms? Yes, Mr Truelove, I do quite a bit of that.

Mr Truelove wants me to look at insurance forms with him and some gentleman. It's the second husband!

You'll get a good look at him. You must go Barry. And make notes. Say you'll go, Barry.

I'm not that much of an expert.

GO, BARRY!

Hey, up!

Is this the second husband, then? Oh, good grief!

What kind of communication do you have round here? We have our own satellite. I suggest a drink,

until my financial adviser arrives. She said you'd either be hostile or ply me with drink.

Ply? Nobody plies. Tha'll stand thy round! I doubt it'll be more than one. It's not a festive occasion.

He TALKS like a second husband. My missus' second one was the same.

Gobby.

Yes, it's an area notorious for tactful landlords. ..I think we'd better take Mr Leland to a table.

Er, what's tha drinking, Doris...?

Norris! Just something small for me.

Small and lethal or small and just wet? Small and wet is just fine!

He's gonna need some livening up, is yon.

Yeah, there seems to be a lively market in used wives these days. There is HERE.

How how many husbands has your missus had? I'm the third.

Does she ever get confused?

I have this T-shirt with "No. 3" on it.

Does she ever call you by the wrong name? Huh!

I dunno a wrong name she hasn't called me. Sounds like she's ready for No. 4. You sit down, Billy.

I'll get the drinks, eh? ..You'll have to excuse him. His mother was frightened at birth. What by?

Him.

How's thy missus, then, Norris? Yes, I was wondering that.

She's fine, thank you. No. Come on. How is she, honestly? I've just told you - fine. We're both fine.

Are you sure you've got the right address?

That's her all, right.

Pay attention. This is the biggie! Former showgirls! We've gotta get this one right. How do we do that?

We pull out all the stops, don't we? Now, first appearances are very important. What are we gonna wear?

I usually wear this. And they usually turn and go home! I know what you usually wear.

That's why you're still single. ..Auntie, these former showgirls, what kind of things do they like?

Oh, well, let's see...

Now, Queenie and Babs...

D'you hear that? Queenie and Babs!

Showbiz names. A real touch of the old theatrical glamour here, boy.

Horse riding. Equestrian pursuits.

Ooh, bit classy! Good sign.

I can't ride horses. Have you tried? I don't imagine you've ever even considered the advantages

of Auntie Wainwright's Riding School and Livery Services. Nobody has got to ride horses.

It just gives a clue as to the kind of thing we ought to wear. The girls are horsey. Fair enough.

We know where we stand. Yeah... Yeah.

Would you tell the gentleman at that end of the table it's a simple document? He's read it,

and it simply requires his signature.

Did tha get that, Truly? I got it.

Kindly tell the gentleman at that end of the table I sign nothing without my financial adviser.

Message received and understood? Understood. She said he'd be difficult.

Tell him SHE was the difficult one.

Tell him she said he'd say that.

Excuse me, sorry. That's OK. Sorry.

I'm terribly sorry! It's OK, love!

HE looks cuddly. There's only one, how would we divide him up?

Might be fun finding out. ..Fancy a drink, Juicy Fruits? M...

Me... Me... I have an appointment.

O-Over there.

Talk about a terrifying experience!

Not now, Barry, you can have one later. Here, cast your eyes over these documents.

You'll find them perfectly in order.

Tha were making good friends at the bar there, Barry. Who are they?

I think it's a visiting rugby team. Shouldn't there be more?

They ARE more. Concentrate, Barry, then you can go back to your friends. Read these, lad,

and tell me if there's any reason I shouldn't sign. No reason whatever.

You sure about this, Mr Truelove? I'm mainly experienced with houses.

Ouch! Not only expert but extremely modest.

The sharpest financial brain in the area. ..Read the documents, Barry.

I'm reading, I'm reading.

Mr Truelove tells so many tales of his former wife, it makes you wonder

what kind of a person has married her this time. My Barry will be able to give us a description.

Do you think he will(?) Do you think men ever notice anything that really matters?

True. Unless it has skirts up to its eyebrows, they're effectively blind.

My Barry has exceptional eyesight, with glasses. My Barry's usually reliable.

Sometimes I worry about you.

How many times do I have to tell you? One thing you can rely on is they're not reliable.

Is it about a party of the first part?

I've always wanted to meet a party of the first part.

You wonder what they eat for breakfast. Would they wear boxer shorts? I never wondered that.

No, of course, because you're busy, aren't you? On account being a direct descendant of Robin Hood.

That must be it. HE never wore boxer shorts.

Not under them tights. It would've ruined the aerodynamics.

It's all fairly straightforward. Seems OK to me, Mr Truelove. You'll forgive me if I say I told you so.

Tell the gentleman at the end of the table that only a fool signs a document without some legal advice.

I wouldn't call it LEGAL ad...

M-My pleasure, Mr Truelove.

When did tha meet Mrs Truelove, then? She's not Mrs Truelove!

Sorry. He will be.

I heard that. She said you'd be vindictive.

SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC

I-I hear they're altering the one-way system again!

Well, just thought I'd mention it.

I've never really got to grips with the existing one-way system.

But I understand there's a chap in Arnold Street who claims to have.

They're like that in Arnold Street. So what I was wondering is... shall we have another drink?

Or would you just prefer to argue?

There'll be no arguments.

It's not my nature to quarrel with old men. Old men? You're the same age as me.

I am several years younger. She told me.

Norris, tha's a tomboy!

I was Truly of the Yard, lad. I'll show you who's an old man.

I knew it. Here we go. A challenge. I like a challenge.

Choose your weapons! I ought to be going. Tha daren't go. Tha'll have to pass them two at the bar.

You're right. I daren't go.

Ooh...! I have to tell you

I don't feel natural in riding britches. You look great.

You've got the legs for a horse. Just remember what it's all for. It's worth a bit of effort. Hey!

Come on. Babs and Queenie! They're real showbiz names. Babs and Queenie, wow!

Suppose they want to see the horses?

We've sent 'em back to the stables, haven't we? The grooms took them. We've got grooms?

Not a lot. Just a few grooms. We've got to lay it on a bit thick. These are former showgirls!

They're used to the glitz and the glamour. Aww...

D'you fancy a wrestle, Juicy Fruits?

I'm sorry, I'm expecting a hernia.

What a couple of primulas!

No, no, no! It's pathetic.

You need some practice. ..You take this one, love, and I'll take this twit here. They need the training.

You're sure you want to attempt it? I used to be Truly of the Yard.

I-I don't believe we've met. We're just about to, you cuddly old devil!

By gum, they're big, fine lasses! I bet they could pull a bow.

I bet they could pull a caravan.

How're you doing, Norris? I wish we could start with something smaller.

Don't fear love, I'll be gentle. Course, she could be lying. That's what I'm afraid of.

When we walk through into the pub, the ladies'll just assume we've been riding. We have been riding.

There you are. Would I lie to you? BICYCLE BELL RINGS

Hey up! Steady...!

Howard!

Sorry... What they don't tell you about looking cool is that a person can't see too well in these.

Why are you wearing a lady's blouse?

It is not a lady's blouse! Why are you dressed like that?

Look who's talking! We've ladies to meet. They're fond of horse riding.

I've got a wife to meet. She thinks I'm past looking cool.

She may have something there. Pay no attention. He's always nervous when he gets this close to romance.

Dunno why. It's as close as I ever get. Why are you looking for Pearl? You normally head the other way.

I have nothing to hide.

I can walk into this pub perfectly freely and face the wife.

ENGINE COUGHS

CAR BACKFIRES

Oh, she's a terrible old banger. I couldn't offer you more than...

She's not for sale. In case anyone's listening, I wish you two would make it clear it's about a pick-up.

He's jacking the price up. I mean it. She's not for sale. I can't come all this way and not do business!

I thought we'd come for a peek at Mr Truelove's wife's new husband.

I can't see why we can't - AND do business. No. No sale! They say you can't mix business with pleasure.

They seem to manage it when it's funny-business.

MEN SING

# ..Always together in all kinds of weather

# Dear old pals, jolly old pals... #

How long have they been drinking companions? Since they had a nasty experience together.

What nasty experience? Babs and Queenie. Are they here? Where are they? Next to Truly at the bar.

# ..Jolly old pals... #

I thought you said showgirls! Mmm.

Yorkshire Show, Lincolnshire Show.

How d'you like this, then, kid?

How do you like THIS, then, kid(?)

Come on, on you go!

They'll be getting married next.

Well, I expect life seems sweet after Babs and Queenie.

Ah, he's so brave. He's only going back to his missus.

Exactly. Without a murmur.

Do you think he'll be all right?

Well, YOU survived. Only just.

What about me and my missus? Who feels sorry for me?

Well, we do really, Billy. Tha does? Is that true? I think that's nice.

I think this is getting disgustingly sentimental.

It's time something happened to bring us down to earth. It has.

You're standing in it.

That... Well, that...

And sort of, you know, quite.... Oh, really!

He was... He had a hat!

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