All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s20e09 The Phantom Number 14 Bus.eng

COMMENTATOR READS OUT ODDS

How come tha looks so attractive,
even in daylight?

Tha does it deliberately.
Summat's going to crack.

Round your ear, if you don't behave.

Have you been throwing money away?
Tha won't let me spend it on thee.

What have you got
to spend on anybody?

Well, if I thought it were worth
me while, I'd go for a mortgage.

I don't know about betting on horses.

You look as if you've been trampled
by one. Ah, but I'm lucky in love.

Not everybody has a glamorous
neighbour. No! Me for a start!

Look who I've got for a neighbour -
you.

It's fate throws us together.

I blame the council.

Dost tha realise
it's only the thickness of a brick that stops us living together?

I couldn't live with another man -
even if you could find one that was reliable. OK, so I fail reliable.

You'd have to improve
to get as far as ALMOST reliable.

OK. Marriage is out.
When are tha baking again? Tomorrow.

Can I pop round? I'll leave 'em on
your steps. Tha'll need the tin back. Leave it on the step.

Supposing I need the recipe?

# So lucky in my life... #

And what have you got there then,
handsome stranger?

Another tube of permanent adhesive.

Well, I think of us
and I think of permanent adhesive.

I think it's symbolic.

You've always had
a silvery tongue, Howard.

Pearl calls it slippery.

Not everyone has your sensitivity,
or...

..large heart.

He noticed!

He noticed!

It's been there all the time,
Howard.

Don't think I'm not interested.

It's just that I've no experience
of smooth surfaces.

..Except with a wash leather.

Now, there's a novelty.

I was wondering if your bicycle
would happen to be you-know-where this afternoon,

because I'm sure my bicycle'll be
you-know-where this afternoon.

I think my bicycle might be there
about half past four.

And I think MY bicycle
might be there about half past four.

I think we'll all still be HERE
at half past four.

Hey-up, Truly.
Been shampooing tha truncheon?

What's that for? Oh! I'm sorry.
When you come up on me sudden, I want to take you into custody.

On what charge? A policeman
always thinks of something.

You look like a man who ought to
be arrested. Nora Batty says that.

Are you sure she is Nora Batty?

What sort of a question is that?

There used to be
a wanted poster in my division.

Terrifying thug
named Butcher Gilligan.

And the photo that went with it
looked just like Nora Batty.

Oh, heck! Does that mean that
I've been in love all these years with Butcher Gilligan?

Well, if you ever get far enough
to check, he has a tattoo somewhere.

What does it say? Born to be bad.

I'll remember that.

What happened to her first husband?
The one she left.

He went almost mad with relief.

He was seen grinning broadly
at Bridlington.

There's no good comes
of going to Bridlington.

Has he been in?
No, love. Come in.

Oh, has he gone again?

He's buying glue again.

Oh, dear. I'm sorry to hear that.

Never mind, love.
Maybe one day it'll come in handy.

It'll come in handy today -
when I catch him.

The old bus route went past here.
There was a stop outside here.

Oh!

What a coincidence!

What is?
YOU made a stop outside here.

I never cease to be amazed at
the coincidences fate comes up with.

I know what you mean.

It makes you think there must be
something that shapes our ends. It does.

And, by the shape of your end, I've
got a three-piece suite to fit you.

I've GOT a three-piece suite.
Well, of course you have.

Everybody has one. It's the first
thing you do once you're married.

..All right, the second.

But how long have you had it,
and are you ready for a change?

Not me, madam. What I'm interested
in is old bus timetables.

I don't suppose you've got any?

How old?
The 1940s.

That's going back a bit.
I didn't think you'd have any.

Oh, don't go
jumping to conclusions like that.

Come inside.
Well, that's wonderful.

I'm interested in the route
of the number 14 bus of that period.

Another coincidence.

I have several items
which came from the estate of a driver of that very bus.

That's wonderful!

Not bad at my age,
off the top of me head.

Why don't we go for a pint,
instead of just sitting here?

Nature lover(!)

There's something special
about a nice park. I agree.

It's boring! Not to a policeman.

I always enjoyed a good park
when I was a policeman.

You'd always catch somebody doing
something. Another nature lover.

Hello! Here comes happiness
with a handcart.

Only his face looks miserable.

Maybe he's got laughing feet.

Hey-up, Smiler! Leaving the area?

I'm delivering this lot
for Auntie Wainwright.

Where to?

Cooper Street.

You're going in the wrong direction
for Cooper Street. I know.

Would YOU be in a hurry
to get to Cooper Street?

My Auntie Ruby spent her life there.
She died in Cooper Street.

You look nervous, Smiler. You've
no idea how tricky it really is.

They're in a sort of daze
in the shop. But by the time they get home, they've regretted it.

I turn up with all the rubbish
they bought and I get all the flak.

And you know what they're like in
Cooper Street - flak really is flak.

The man needs a police escort.
They eat policemen in Cooper Street.

I don't think we should interfere.

How would I have become Truly Of
The Yard if I'd never interfered?

The policeman's lot is to interfere.

I accept.

Tha's not a policeman any more!

I'm still active
compared to your Auntie Ruby.

Come on, Smiler.

Car not going well, Barry?

No, it's fine, Mr Pegden.

I thought I heard a cry of help.
It's all electronic, Mr Pegden.

Eventually, every technological
advance falls back into the hands of your skilled bloke with an 'ammer.

Glenda asked me to pop in and ask
if you'd mended that thing yet. It's on me priority list, Barry.

What thing was that?

Excuse me.

I'm looking for a Mr Pegden.

Were you expecting to find him
in the dark?

I beg your pardon?

I couldn't help noticing the lamp.
Oh, the lamp.

No, I couldn't resist the lamp.
It comes from the estate of a man who once drove the number 14 bus.

I was told if anybody
would know the route of the old number 14 bus, it would be you.

Number 14 bus?

That's going back a bit.
Early 1940s.

You'll have missed it by now.

Hold everything, Wesley. There's a
man here with a dislocated handcart.

What happened to it?

A little disagreement
in Cooper Street.

Little? At one point,
I were wearing this like a collar.

We thought it rather suited thee -
didn't we, Norm?

I'm afraid I couldn't see much
from under that stout lady.

Oh, did you have one of those too?

Who's this? Aladdin?

He's looking for details
of the old number 14 bus.

I feel like I'VE just been under it.

I was tempted to play dead, but HE
said, "Who'd spot the difference?"

I were only pulling tha leg, Smiler.
It weren't necessary.

There were a big bloke
already busy with that.

Any good with handcarts, Wesley?
He'll be great. He won't have to tinker with electronics!

He's very emotional,
for a Building Society.

Excuse me.

Does anyone remember the route
of the old number 14 bus?

Yeah. Well, I remember some of it.

You do? You really do?!

You remember the 14 bus?
Get him off!

Get him off.

I'm sorry. It means a lot to me.

Yeah, like breathing
means a lot to me.

What's the panic?
Did tha leave summat on the bus?

Have any of you heard...

of the phantom number 14 bus?

I'd better get on
with this handcart.

We're late for the Jam-Making Show.

And then there's Barry's car.

I really ought to be going.

So am I.

..What's this?

Don't ask!

..Phantom number 14 bus? Oh...!

It's all here. Eyewitness accounts.

Of what?

The phantom number 14 bus!

What about my handcart?
Oh, yes. The phantom handcart(!)

They all think it's funny.

You wouldn't have thought it was
funny if you'd been on that bus.

Auntie Wainwright won't think
it's funny about her handcart.

What happened to...?

Don't ask!

..the phantom number 14 bus?

Fifty years ago,
exactly to the day,

the number 14 bus, travelling
on that road below at 4.27 exactly,

disappeared
from the face of the earth.

4.27 exactly?

Yes.

It was never EXACTLY on time,
as I remember it.

What are you suggesting?

We go for a pint.

Not you. Him!

I'm suggesting the government
covered up its disappearance.

Oh! ..Like law and order?

What does tha mean, disappeared?
Went. Gone. Vanished. Puff.

Never reached its destination.

I don't recall any of this
in the papers.

The government clamped a seal on it.

National security - it were wartime.

If you want a police opinion, it
sounds like a load of old cobblers.

We'll see, won't we?

Why will we see?

Because it's today.
Today's the day.

What are people going to think?

They're going to think
you're usefully employed for once.

HOWARD GASPS FOR BREATH

Suppose it dents
a person's rugged image?

You did that on our honeymoon.

We should never have gone
on the Big Dipper. I held your hand, didn't I?

Well, what are you waiting for?

Permission to breathe.

Denied.

Are you sure these are all mine?

Are you sure YOU haven't
been buying some as well?

You like glue?

SQUELCH!

Have some glue.

I'm telling you...
4.27 and puff! - gone.

Maybe it was enemy action.
It were worse than enemy action.

Oh! The Home Guard?

Some say there was a noise
like a giant wind.

Yanks.

What's YOUR explanation?

Abnormal, strange visitors.

Evacuees.

They came from Hull -
you couldn't fill 'em.

What size bus? They probably ate it.

Well, I never heard
of any missing bus.

Me neither.
..There would have been rumours.

I told you it went right on to
the secret list. There you are, then.

Definitely, there would have been
rumours. If you want something rumoured about, call it secret.

There's an even more chilling
explanation. I don't want to hear it.

I've been sleeping quite well
and I'd like to keep it that way.

What chilling explanation?

The only other solution is that the
mysterious forces which took the bus

could also remove all traces
of the incident from people's minds.

What mysterious forces
would take a bus?

The finance company. Maybe they got
behind with their payments. Oh, aye, they could. I can vouch for that.

Occasionally,
I've got behind on MY payments.

Occasionally?!

All right - regularly.

It wasn't the finance company.

It was something
much more mysterious than that.

Listen, as far as I'm concerned,
there's something VERY mysterious about finance companies.

Suppose they came from out there.

Hikers!

Fed up of walking,
they hijacked the bus.

What does a bloke have to do
to convince you people?

Buying a round would be a start.

Coming in? I don't want to be caught
by your father.

Oh, he's up at the shed.
No, I'd better get going.

You've got time to kiss me, Barry.

Well, it's better
than running into your father!

On the lips, Barry.

What - both lips?

Good grief!

He's only saying goodbye.

Where's he going?
South America?

Didn't you ever kiss me mother?

Never outdoors, and only then
on great national occasions.

Barry, I don't like
the sound of this engine.

I thought you were up at the shed.
No, Barry. I'm right here with you -

ready to listen to your engine.

Just start her, and let me apply
this trained mechanical ear.

Don't you think we should wake him?

I'd hate him and his standard lamp
to miss the bus.

Plenty of time.
No good getting there too early.

Have you noticed -

the more drinks we have, the more
plausible his story sounds?

Listen, as long as he's buying,
I'm a firm believer in the phantom number 14 bus.

Here, come on. Oh...oh...oh...

You see, I wanted her dad to do
a few jobs for me about the house.

It's taken me all day
to get him away from that shed,

and then Barry snatches him away.

It wasn't Barry's idea.

My Wally nearly lived
in his pigeon shed.

I had to stop him growing a
moustache, in case it was feathered.

I wish mine
was only interested in pigeons.

What IS he interested in?

Drink your coffee.

You can't relax for a minute.

Quite late in life, mine wanted
a Swiss Army penknife!

What jobs will Wesley be doing
round t'house? Does he need glue?

I think he's got glue.

Mine used to get it
all over everything.

We once had a customer in the cafe
for three hours,

because we couldn't separate her
from her chair.

When Wesley gets settled in a chair,
he takes some separating from it.

My Barry likes a swivel.

Oh, I'm sure we're all delighted
to hear that(!)

Didn't you try soaking her off -
your customer?

We had to peel her off, very gently.

She made us pay
for having her skirt cleaned.

What? Both sides?

She was only stuck on one!

There's no justice.

There is in our house.

It's me.

Oh, it's no good.
We need a breather.

Here, prop him against this wall.

Go on, there you go.

That's the last time I'm carrying
a man with a standard lamp.

He's certainly well lit.

Well, in his condition, he's liable
to start this terrible rumour about TWO phantom buses.

ALL: Whoops!

Try it now, lad.

MOTOR STARTS

What did I tell you? Rough.

Can you hear it now, lad?

Oh, I can hear it now, Mr Pegden.

# Where hast tha been
since I saw thee? #

He sounds worse than your car, Barry.
Turn it on, lad.

# On Ilkley Moor baht 'at... #

Have you fixed the handcart?
Handcart?

SHOUTS: Can we borrow the handcart?
It's round the back.

Having tha car fixed, Barry?

Yeah, that's right, Mr Simmonite.

# ..Tha's been a-courtin' Mary Jane

# Tha's been a-courtin' Mary Jane

# On Ilk... #

Hush!

This is a non-singing handcart.

Right - try her now, Barry.

Oh, she sounds terrible, Mr Pegden.

I told you, lad. I could hear
she wasn't running right.

Wait till I get underneath,
then give her some acceleration.

Come on, Barry, give it some wellie.
ENGINE REVS

Where did that lot get to?

Well, they went off
with the handcart, Mr Pegden.

I haven't finished it.

It's not secure!

# In Scarlet Town where I was born,

# There was a fair maid dwelling

# Made every youth
cry well-a-day... #

He pays no attention, this bloke.
I think he's a bit thick.

You see. Nobody's all bad.

Of course he's thick!
He believes in phantom buses.

The bus! The phantom bus!
What time is it?

It's time thee shut tha gob.
Stop that terrible singing.

Singing? Who's been singing?

Probably him with the Chinese hat.

You're sure this is the spot?

Yes, yes.
This is where it's been seen.

You don't think there's anything
IN this phantom bus story, do you?

Oh, come on, Norm.

Well, I doubt it.

No, you're probably right.

It's just a...rumour.

Absolutely.

Any minute now.

What do you think, Truly?
I think it's rubbish.

..Yes. Me too.

Of course, you could be lying.

That's it. 4.27.

It's now or never.

I can't hear no bus.

Can you HEAR phantom buses?

I don't know.

Maybe it just comes over the brow
of that hill perfectly silently.

Ssh! Listen!

ENGINE ACCELERATES

Sounds like a bus.
Sounds like an OLD bus.

That's it. A vintage bus.

And here she comes. I told you!
..And bang on time too.

I'm not going to look.
I've seen it at the pictures.

You look at these things, and
next thing you're a blob of jelly.

What flavour?

We'll be OK
as long as it doesn't stop.

If it stops, don't get aboard.
If it stops, I'm over that hill.

Oi! Oi!

Don't look! Don't look!
There's a thing madly waving.

I can see it. It's ghastly.

Listen, Norm.

I know this is a bad time, but has
tha ever heard any of these rumours about Nora Batty being tattooed?

Pardon?

Hey!

Where's he going on the handcart?

It's not finished yet!

Ah-h-h!

Waits 50 years for a bus
and then he goes by handcart!

And you're wearing your best shoes
just for me, Howard.

Oh, it's only a small gesture,
but full of significance, I think.

Ohh, Howard...!

Ohh, Marina...

Wa-a-a-ah!

Tattooed where?

Ah, that's it, ain't it?

And it's not going to be easy
to find out.

DING-DING!

Fares, please!

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