Original subtitles

So you're saying they're everywhere.

It goes all the way to the top.

Government, finance, even publishing.

How do you think Robert Patterson churns out so many books so quickly?

He's got eight arms.

I just never heard of the octopus people.

I know about the lizard people...

No, no, don't start with the lizard conspiracy.

It's rubbish. It does not stack up.

I mean, at the dawn of time, were the lizards around?

It was the octopi.

Way down in the deep blue ocean.

(LUSH, ROMANTIC MUSIC)

Gilly, are they tentacles?

The octopi are fascinating creatures.

More intuitive than humans, and, Em, way more sensitive.

Can I touch?

Oh... Ooh!

It feels different to what I expected.

Different can be good.

Mmm!

You want to come down to the deep with me, don't you, Em?

Ooh!

Em, Em, wakey, wakey.

(GASPS) Greg.

Water?

Uh... what?

(TV PLAYS)

Oh, here she is. Drooling beauty.

She was away with the fairies.

(PHONE CHIMES)

When are you going to send through the minutes for the meeting?

Settle down, Luna, the meeting was only two hours ago.

Earth to Mum...

It's OK, I'm awake, darling.

I've just been having a really nice dream.

Was it about the worm farm getting so big it filled up the whole house,

and worms came out of the taps?

No, no, it wasn't that.

- Was it about... - Shh...

- You don't want to miss the ad. - Yeah.

_

Help? You gotta be kidding me.

Thanks for the reminder, Luna!

You're the best.

Em, check out my joke text. I won't send it, obviously.

- Shut up, everyone. It's starting. - Oh.

It's Ravi TV time.

Got some snacks.

(MUTTERS)

- ... the best in our field. - Dunk.

The 2020 indoor recreation awards.

How do they do that? Oh, they reversed it...

But the one the one thing we can't put into words...

... is this feeling.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Come on. Spring into action!

Yes!

How did you come up with that line, Ravi?

I mean, they told me what to say

but I like to think that I put own spin on it.

Absolutely.

First this, next you'll be springing into Star Wars.

- Could you imagine? - Oh!

I'm definitely coming to set if you get cast. No spoilers, though.

(LAUGHS)

Em? Em, what did you think of Ravi's commercial?

I am so looking forward to it. Just...

- You looked really hot. (LAUGHS) - (PHONE CHIMES)

No. No, no, no, no, no!

How do you press delete, or where's the unsend button?

I accidentally sent that text.

Dad, you sound, like, a thousand years old right now.

Can we watch it again?

Hey, Greg, this afternoon...

Luna still hasn't replied. I haven't seen these dots for hours.

I mean, I told her she was the best, which is clearly a joke,

but she doesn't get that,

and this whole double kissing is a disaster.

Maybe she thinks I'm being flirty.

Oh, no, people always use the X without being flirty.

I send them all the time.

It means kiss. I don't want to kiss Luna,

and I certainly don't want to double kiss her.

Who are you getting around throwing kisses out to?

I-I don't think people use them for being...

Maybe that's what she is doing.

She's talking to the other parents about me.

Maybe they're going to kick me off the committee for being a pervert.

I don't think that is very likely Greg. I have to tell you something.

I had a dream this afternoon... about Gilly.

Nice.

Yeah, I dream about Gilly all the time.

- Really? - Yeah.

There's one I have where I'm flying over the Gabba in a hang-glider.

Right.

- And then Gilly hits a six... - Oh. Yeah.

... fresh off the middle of the bat,

and then I swoosh down and I scoop him up in my arms.

- Beautiful. - And we go for a beer.

OK.

And then he asks me to be his partner.

Which is weird, I know,

because I have never opened the batting before, never.

So weird.

My dream is not like that.

No?

Yeah, in mine we're talking about the book

and Gilly is explaining some new ideas.

Um, they're really interesting and that's sort of it.

Cool.

Maybe I'll text and say, I see you as a friend,

or maybe an acquaintance, colleague.

Colleague is a good word.

That's great, Greg.

MARLO: Sex dream with Adam Gilchrist?

What did Greg say?

Well, I... I... I haven't told Greg

because I tried to, but I just got nervous.

Oh, if old mate's gonna give you a free pass for anyone, it'd be Gilly.

I say, go for it.

But I don't want to sleep with Gilly, that's not the issue.

Oh, so...

OK, Greg and I have been together for 18 years,

we have a kind of established repertoire.

Which is great, because I love that repertoire.

But what Gilly did in that dream, that was... that's not on the menu.

Ah.

Was he batting... up the crease?

No.

Did he come in from the city end?

I'm not going to tell you what he did.

Did he stick it in your rough patch?

Look, I just don't want to suggest something to Greg

- that's not in his comfort zone. - Oh, I get you.

I know you two play it pretty safe.

Terry and I use you two for vanilla role-play all the time.

- What play? - Role-play.

Tez and I have been up and down the kinky spectrum so many times,

sometimes the most exciting thing we can do

is just pretend to be vanilla, like you two.

Marlo, I am not a prude, my brain came up with this dream.

And, you know, Greg and I, we've done some risque stuff.

We had phone sex once,

it was a long time ago, and Greg ran out of coins.

Actually, phone sex is perfect.

You could call Greg and describe the Gilly move to him over the phone,

and then that way he's got time to process it

and there's no face-to-face rejection.

That is actually a great idea.

You're welcome.

Oh! I had a great dream about Sachin Tendulkar once.

I was flying over the Gabba in a hang-glider...

Let me guess. You caught a six and then you went for a beer.

No! We had sex on the pitch.

Yeah.

- Hey, Greg. - Hey.

See you later, honey.

Oh, there's Clarence.

- Hi. - Hey. Come on.

G'day, champ.

Just wanted to make sure you got the minutes from the meeting.

Oh, well, I got them three hours after the meeting,

- but I suppose that's all right. - (LAUGHS)

Sorry about the delay, but I was helping Terry,

a mate out with a bit of a crisis.

I might actually send him a message. Check in on him.

"G'day, Tez. Hope you're doing OK. XX."

"You can do this. XOXO."

Yep, just a standard text to a mate.

You look lovely today Greg. Is that a new shirt?

- What? - It looks great.

So does your hair actually, wow.

New shirt, new hair, what's next?

Nothing. Nothing's next and nothing's new.

I'm the same old Greg, same old friendly neighbourhood Greg.

Friendly is definitely right. Oh, no...

My shoe's come loose. Can you? Thanks.

Ooh. Nice and tight again. Thanks.

You're the best.

There is no way I'm getting that assessment in on time.

- I am working at the cinema tonight. - I still haven't done my maths

and I have to Skype call my parents tonight.

Oh, yeah. Are gonna tell them about your ad?

No way. I'll talk to you later.

OK.

Hey.

Spring into action.

Hi.

Sophie, right?

Yeah.

I know your name, it's Talia.

Nice.

Hey, you and Ravi, you guys still a thing, or... ?

Yeah, we're like a major thing.

I mean, we even have a couple's name like with celebrities.

- It's Ravophie. - Cute!

Yeah, he's so cool.

You got really lucky.

Talia.

Hey! Ravi.

- I saw the ad, looks amazing. - Thanks.

Hey, Em?

Where are you?

EM: (ON PHONE) I am in the bedroom.

Oh, cool. I'll come on down.

I need to tell you what happened at school drop-off.

No-no-no-no-no, no.

Don't come in here, I want us to be in separate places.

Um, OK...

Because I am kind of in the mood to talk on the phone...

... in a sexy way.

Oh, wow.

Phone sex, Greg.

Yes, yes, let's... let's do it.

Let's do it, OK. Let me find a place to hang.

That's a terrible idea.

OK.

In here? Here?

So exciting, it's been so long since we had phone sex.

I can't believe I ran out coins last time.

I know, um, and you know what, Greg?

Maybe we will say some things

that we wouldn't usually say.

OK.

What are you wearing?

I... I am lying beside the ocean.

Ooh, really?

Because you hate doing sexy stuff at the beach because of the sand

and you think my rashie is a turn-off,

and I also have to explain to you that we live in...

The skin cancer capital of the world. Yep, I know, Greg.

Yes.

OK, Greg, so... you start using your hands.

Ooh, yes.

Yes, like... like last Friday.

A little bit like last Friday, but not really.

OK, but how... how... how different exactly?

Well, like you are the other way around.

Yes, yes.

When you're doing that.

Yes.

And picture it from the side.

Sorry, are we still using our hands?

No, OK, Greg... Hey, can we just start again?

Fresh start, yep. Good idea, good idea.

What you're doing is, you're doing...

Hang on. Wait, wait.

Oh, it's a wink emoji?

Greg, I know that this is a lot for you,

but can we use proper words?

I'm sorry, but Luna just sent me a wink emoji.

- What does that mean? - This is so embarrassing.

Greg, we are... (SIGHS)

I am trying something new here.

I know, I know.

Can we please just take a raincheck?

- This is not a good time, I've got a lot on my plate. - Yeah, OK.

(DING!)

Devil emoji?! What does a devil emoji mean?

GREG: Horny?

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Luna.

We really need to clear the air on this.

I don't want to be rude,

and, yeah, there is a part of me that is flattered,

and I know it must be tough being a single mum,

and I can see the appeal in a capable stay-at-home dad,

but, I did not mean to send that text with the kisses.

I'm very happily married. It was a mistake, it was a joke,

not what I'm particularly proud of, OK?

I didn't mean any of it.

Well, that's a real pity.

Well, I'm sorry.

Thanks for setting me straight, Greg.

And, thanks for your concern about me as a single parent.

It is tough not to launch myself at passing dads,

but I do have some breathing techniques that really help.

OK, as long as we have our boundaries now.

Greg, did you really think I interpreted that text

as you hitting on me?

Because all I do is sit at home and analyse your messages.

God! The arrogance of a mediocre white man.

(LAUGHS)

Like I've got the time between my son, my job, pash,

and my adult choir to fantasise about somebody

who shows me basic politeness.

But, what about the bending over, and the devil emoji?

That means horny.

(LAUGHS) I thought you would realise I was taking the piss.

You're really wrapped up in your own story there, Greg.

(STIFLED LAUGHTER)

Try not to cast a romantic spell over any mum on the way out.

Ala-kazam! (LAUGHS)

Oh, Greg couldn't perform, could he?

We didn't get that far, not even close.

You didn't try the Gilly move?

Well, I... I tried to tell him with the phone sex thing,

but he didn't understand what I was saying.

And then he had to rush off.

- You tried to tell him? - Yeah.

Em, my sexpert senses are tingling.

It's the sexth sense.

That's a stretch.

I just don't think you're giving Greg a chance.

A chance? What, to freak out, or to think that I'm a freak?

Or to lose confidence in himself,

and then ruin our perfectly good sex life.

You're overthinking it, OK?

Look, I don't know what you and Gilly did...

Greg's not going to judge you, he loves you.

Do you really think he'll be up for it, though?

There's a very good chance he won't be

and that he'll freak right out.

But you've got to be honest.

Thank you.

Thanks. Enjoy your film.

Ravi?

Here, look at this...

I thought you had homework tonight.

Homework comes and goes. I like to be where the action is at.

So I thought I would spring in with these guys.

Right. When did you decide that?

Hey, Ravi, look at my story, bro.

Dude, that is literally insane.

Oh, cute bowtie.

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, did you see that? - Knock it off.

- Whoo! - (LAUGHS)

MOVIE: Incoming! Incoming! Come on!

(FIRE ALARM RINGS)

(BLENDER WHIRRS LOUDLY)

Chloe, just go easy on the blender for a bit.

We are gathered here today for Emily's sexorcism.

Em, what's going on?

So, Greg, um...

... you know that dream that I had about Gilly?

It was sexual in nature.

So are most of mine, to be honest, I mean that one at the Gabba

where I swooped down and pick him up...

Greg!

Sorry. Why haven't you told me?

Because I wasn't sure how you'd react.

Em, you can tell me things, despite what Luna says,

I'm not some self-obsessed man.

I don't think I am. Do you think I am?

- It sounds like it in my own head. - Greg, Greg!

It's not about you, OK? It's about Em.

- 100%. - Yep.

OK, um... there was something that happened, in that dream,

that I really want to happen in real life... with you.

What... what you want me to do?

Well, what I want you to do...

... I really want you to put on a snorkel and a facemask...

(BLENDER DROWNS HER OUT)

... with long legs, and I want you to wrap them right...

(BLENDER DROWNS HER OUT)

... spread them far apart...

(BLENDER DROWNS HER OUT)

... where I stick my...

(BLENDER DROWNS HER OUT)

- At your... - (BLENDER WHIRRS)

- ... long... - (BLENDER WHIRRS)

And that's when I start doing exactly the same to you.

(SIGHS)

Oh.

Wow.

You know, now that I've said it,

I guess it just doesn't feel that weird at all.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- I guess... - Dad!

Dad, I made a Vegemite and banana smoothie.

Chloe this is a, um... unusual combination.

But maybe I'm in the mood to try something new.

So sorry about that, guys. The popcorn machine hard-wired itself.

Sorry, guys. Looks like you'll just have to go home to your houses.

Sorry.

Hey...

You know what? You guys go on ahead. I'll catch up.

Yeah, man.

I know you did this.

The popcorn machine hard-wired itself. I... I didn't...

What are you talking about? I saw you spying on us.

And I saw you treating the cinema like it was a zoo.

I had to evict you.

Why are you so jealous, I'm just trying to hang out with my friends.

(SCOFFS) They're not your friends, Ravi.

I mean, they only think you're cool because of your stupid ad.

Hey, Ravi, let's go.

Or maybe they see me for who I really am.

And I am cool. It's not my fault that you're not.

(LAID-BACK MUSIC PLAYS)

Emily.

Sophie is a while away and Chloe is at archery

so it is just you and me and...

(MUSIC STOPS, SOUND OF WAVES)

... the ocean.

- (WHALE SONG) - Greg, we don't have to do this...

... right now.

Emily, I want you to have the best dream tonight.

(WHALE SONG)

And it sounds like Moby Dick agrees.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

- Ow. - Ooh, sorry.

(LOUD WHALE SONG)

- Em, Em... - Oh.

- Egg. - Look out for the strap.

Oh, Em. Em.

(BOTH MOAN)

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Sophie!

- Mum! - Sophie!

Dad! Oh, this is disgusting! You guys are freaks.

No, Sophie this is actually very normal.

Why has everybody decided to ruin my life today?

First Ravi and now you guys.

What happened with Ravi?

Sophie, we're married.

Gross!

- Em. - Oh, get...

- (CRIES) - Soph, that mask was for sleep apnoea.

- Leave me alone, Dad. - (DOOR SLAMS)

(SIGHS)

Oh, did you talk to her?

Oh, in many ways yes, verbally... no.

I'm sure that she will smooth things over with Ravi.

Yes, and in years down the track, when we're in a nursing home,

I'm sure she'll be able to look us in the eye.

I mean, I'm optimistic about the psychological scarring.

It was a one-off... mistake.

Well, I was hoping...

... it might be a two-time... mistake.

(CHUCKLES)

Got a little something here.

I'm sick of batting alone.

Oh, Greg, you don't need the baggy green.

And you don't need any props from your kitbag

because you were doing everything that I asked for.

So, maybe you can find my deep backward point.

- (CHUCKLES) - (EASY MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, Greg, maybe you could bring back the whale music.

OK, sure. Yep.

Oh.

Howzat.

MARLO: Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

- (AS EM) Dear Gregory... - Mm.

This is a delicious drop.

(AS GREG) Why thank you, dear Emily.

Well, our two children are tired

after their after-school activities...

(FAKE YAWNS) ... and they're asleep. Mm?

What says we turn out the lights, brush our teeth,

and perform our marital duties.

- Oh, Gregory! - Mm.

Oh, Tez, I can't.

What?

Well, now that I have toned them up with my sexercises,

they're just not that vanilla any more.

Yeah, you're right, darl.

We'll have to find another vanilla couple.

We'll do a lap of IKEA in the morning.

Yeah.

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