Original subtitles

- Whose idea was this, anyway?

- They are gaining on us!

- Shit.

- Yeah, yeah!

-Wow!

- He's after me!

- Phil!

- Wow!

-Wow!

- Oh, shit.

-Jesus!

- Ed!

- Go, Mitch!

Back, bull, back, bull, back, bull!

Stop following me!

Please!

- Does he know what he is doing?

Does he know what he's doing?

Because, you know, I can't talk to him.

- Relax.

He is doing a beautiful job.

- Sir.

doctor.

Hello!

Don't sew up anything that should remain open, okay?

- Okay.

- What, are you taking pictures, Phil?

- Are you kidding?

This is a picture moment.

Now, smile.

- Oh, good,

blind him with the flash.

- Phil, let the man keep what's left of his dignity, please.

- Dignity.

This is all your fault, Ed.

- My fault?

- Yeah, because you are a manly lunatic.

Phil and I are sheep.

-We are not sheep.

- We are sheep.

We do every stupid thing he asks.

- I did not make you run.

- No, it was a 2,000 pound rampaging animal

spraying bull snot all over Spain.

That's what made me run.

You made me stand in front of it.

- Come on, guys, group shot.

- I got a big "I told you so" coming from Barbara on this.

- Maybe she will not notice.

- Honey, want a pillow?

It's a long flight.

- No, thanks.

- Come on, it's not that bad.

I look like your mother.

- Here comes Mr. Bull.

- Yeah.

- Kim, baby, do you want the aisle seat or the window seat?

Because whichever one you want makes me happy.

- I don't care. - Good, then take the window.

I want to talk to Mitch.

- Okay.

Be right back.

- Miss me.

Admit it, pal, you had fun.

- No-

Scuba diving is fun.

I mean, it's normal.

People do that.

Baseball fantasy camp,

until Phil threw up on Willie Mays, was fabulous.

- I was nervous, he was my idol.

- I will never forget Willie's face.

"Say hey, that's lunch on me!"

- Phil, I'm standing.

- Yes, dear.

- I can't wait to get out

of this country, these people.

- You know, maybe it's just me,

but I think our recent adventures

are becoming stupid, you know?

What did you call them?

- Desperate attempt to cling to your youth?

- Yeah, that.

- That's bullshit.

- Bullshit?

Ed, have you noticed the older you get,

the younger your girlfriends get?

Soon, you'll be dating sperm.

- I'm back.

- Okay.

I want to say one more thing.

Target parachute jumping.

- Ed!

- Now, it's a smaller parachute,

but you are traveling twice as fast.

- Great! So when they find your body,

they can bury it in a flat box.

- Phil said he will go.

- Phil wants to die.

I mean, if you were married to that, you would want to die, too.

Look at him.

He's pretending to be asleep

so he doesn't have to talk to her.

- It's a couple of little jumps from a plane.

- And then what?

We go on safari, only the animals have guns

and they hunt us?

- Forget about it.

- It is never enough for you, Ed.

- I'm reading.

- When will it be enough?

Hi, Mom.

- It's September 8th, 1952.

We are driving back from Aunt Marsha.

My water breaks.

Your father jumps the divider

of the Saw Mill River Parkway

takes me to Hospital and...

At 5:16, out you came.

Oh.

Happy birthday, darling.

Here's your father.

- Hello, boy, happy birthday.

- Hi, Dad, how are you?

- my left leg is going numb.

Here's your mother.

-Don't worry, he's fine.

So, what will you do now, birthday boy?

- Well, I thought I would lie here another three

and a half hours and then go to work.

-Is Barbara with you?

- No, she's working the streets

and she likes to have breakfast with her pimp.

She should be in around 7:30.

- Hi, Mom.

-Give my boy a kiss, oh.

I can't believe my baby's 39 years old.

- Bye, Mom.

- Oh...

Bye...

Angel, birthday boy.

Oh!

- Happy birthday.

- at least she said my age in years.

Usually, she uses months, like I'm still an infant.

"How is Mitch?"

"Oh, good, he's 168 months today."

Wow.

I look a year older.

Do I look a year older to you?

- Honey, at 5:15 everybody looks a year older.

- Do you know what I found yesterday?

- Hair in my ear.

- Mitch.

- I'm losing hair where I want hair and I am getting hair

where there should not be hair.

I found four big fat ones on my back.

I'm starting to look like The Fly.

- That's it, I'm canceling your birthday party.

- Why?

Because your birthdays depress you.

- No, they don't.

- Oh, Mitch.

On your 30th birthday you said you could not see.

And then on your 34th birthday,

you forgot my name for an hour.

last year, when I asked you what you wanted,

you said a bone scan.

- I had a headache.

- This year, let's forget it.

- I want to see my friends.

- All right.

But I don't want people coming here thinking

they are in a Bergman film.

You have met my husband, Mr. Death?

- I will be good.

- Yeah?

Because I don't need you worse than you have been.

- Wait a second, what does that mean?

- Nothing.

- Nothing.

Great.

Oh.

Ah.

- Got a minute?

- Hi. I only have a few minutes.

I have career day at Danny's school, so, I--

- Yeah, it will just take a second.

- What is it?

Pizza Guys, Pizza Guys

Come on down to Pizza Guys

I Be a happy, healthy fellow

I Have some sauce and cheese

At Pizza Guys

- So?

- So.

So, it's stupid.

It's annoying.

It makes people change the station.

- I didn't write it.

- But you bought it.

You put it on the air three times each night.

People are having accidents.

You used to go out and get advertising.

You hustled.

You were creative.

Something bad came in, you fixed it.

You rewrote it.

You worked with it.

My God, we used to laugh at guys

who bought crap like this.

What's going on with you?

- Did you ever reach a point in your life

where you say to yourself,

"This is the best I will look,

"the best I will feel,

"the best I will achieve,

"and it is not that good?"

- Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

- Now, look, I am the station manager.

I'm responsible for the quality of work here at the station.

So, till further notice,

I must insist on personally approving all the new spots.

- What?

I can't make a deal without checking with you first?

- Just untill you get back on track.

- So we are doing this job on 60th and 3rd,

big ball breaker of a job, right?

And we got the area roped off,

you know, so that some idiot will not walk through there

and take a wrecking ball between the eyes.

All of a sudden, this woman, you know, with the big,

dark glasses, the shopping bags,

she starts walking right through the ropes.

I yelled down at her,

"Hey, you can't go there, you stupid bitch!"

And suddenly, this big steam fitting bursts

and this enormous crane crashes right down

on her legs, and she's screaming, "My legs, my legs!"

And I say, "No shit, your legs.

"You got a 2,000 pound goddamn crane on them."

Now, do you know how, in an emergency, you could get,

like, superhuman strength?

I reach down and I lift this crane,

and Ernesto is able to slide her out from under,

and the doctors were able to save her legs.

So the moral is: don't walk where you are not supposed

to walk because there may not be somebody

with superhuman strength to save your little ass.

And don't do drugs.

That's it.

- Thank you, Mr. Morelli.

That was very descriptive.

Daniel, would you introduce your father, please,

and tell us what he does?

- My dad's named Mitch and he's...

He's a submarine commander.

- Danny!

- Submarine commander?

- He works for WBLM radio.

- Ah!

- Well, like Danny said, I work for WBLM radio.

- Are you a disc jockey?

- No, I'm not a disc jockey.

You know the commercials that are on the radio?

- Oh!

Do you make all those commercials?

- No-

Other people make the commercials.

I sell them time on our station

for the commercials to be on.

- So you decide which commercial to use and when?

- That's right.

Well, no, it's not right.

It used to be right.

Seems now that I even have to check with the station manager

if I want to wipe my nose.

The minute he took away my authority, I should have quit.

- Mr. Robbins?

- What?

Value this time in your life, kids,

because this is the time in your life

when you still have your choices.

It goes by so fast.

When you're a teenager,

you think you can do anything, and you do.

Your twenties are a blur.

Thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money,

and you think to yourself,

"What happened to my twenties?"

Forties, you grow a little pot belly, you grow another chin.

The music starts to get too loud.

One of your old girlfriends

from high school becomes a grandmother.

Fifties, you have a minor surgery.

You will call it a procedure, but it's a surgery.

Sixties, you will have a major surgery.

The music is still loud, but it doesn't matter

because you can't hear it anyway.

Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale.

You start eating dinner at two o'clock in the afternoon,

you have lunch around 10:00, breakfast the night before.

You spend most of your time wandering around malls looking

for the ultimate soft yogurt and muttering,

"How come the kids don't call?

"How come the kids don't call?"

The eighties, you will have a major stroke.

You end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse

who your wife can't stand but who you call Mama.

Any questions?

Danny was embarrassed to tell the class what my job is.

- They are nine!

They get excited about the guy

who gives them change at the arcade.

You just happen to have one of those jobs

that's difficult to...

- Believe that a grown man does without losing his mind.

I mean, what is my job?

I mean, I sell advertising time on the radio.

So, basically, I sell air.

At least my father was an upholsterer.

He made a sofa, a couch you could sit on.

It was something tangible.

What can I point to?

Where's my work?

It's air.

I sell air.

- What, so what are you saying?

You want to quit?

- How can I quit?

I'm trapped.

- You are trapped?

- Yeah.

The other day you said you want to send Holly

to a performing arts school.

- She's got talent.

- Talent?

She was in one play and she fell off the stage.

That's not talent, that's gravity.

And that school costs money.

Everything costs money. - Bye!

- Where are you going?

- I'm sleeping at Gwen's down the hall.

- Again?

Are you paying rent there?

- Oh, Dad.

- We are having a birthday party.

- I don't want to sit around all night with your friends.

- I told her it would be all right.

We will have a family party tomorrow.

- Bye, Dad.

- Bye.

- Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

Let me show you how I pop my shoulder.

- Ouch!

- Danny, Dan, come on, come on.

He is in the gifted program at school.

Come on, go to sleep, huh?

Kim, you poor thing.

What has married life done to you?

I mean, you look like hell!

- Six months.

Admit it, you didn't think Ed would ever get married.

- Well, he met the right woman.

And how often do you meet that woman?

- You are lucky it's your birthday, pal.

- Excuse me, I see one of the guests is stealing.

- Your husband is so cute.

You must laugh all day.

- Yeah, my sides hurt.

- We saw a picture of you in a newspaper in your underwear.

- Oh, well, that was an advertisement.

I sometimes model ladies' underwear.

- You looked great.

- Mom, you said, "Let's see how she looks

"after having two kids."

- Daniel, time to go to bed.

We will wake you for your wedding.

- Phil.

Hello.

You are pretending to sleep at my birthday party.

- Is she around?

- She's in the kitchen.

This is quite a life you have made for yourself, Phil.

- Phil!

Phil!

We are leaving.

- We have not had cake.

He has not even opened his presents yet.

- Phil, you have to open the store at 4:30.

Daddy's counting on you.

- 15 more minutes?

- Starting now.

- 4:30 in the morning?

- Hey, you know, you manage a supermarket,

that's when the food arrives.

- Don't you have an assistant or a kid or something?

- Arlene's father likes me to do it.

"No free rides, Philly boy!

"No free rides."

But I'm telling you, they got me by the balls.

She's got one, he's got the other.

- Do you ever think about quitting?

- Yeah, sure, right.

That's just what I want to do:

start over with two kids to take care of.

No.

At this age, where you are, you are.

- Hey, look who's awake.

- Look, I have got 14 minutes, okay?

So can we give him the present?

- Yeah.

- What did you get me?

- Two weeks.

The three of us.

New Mexico.

Driving cattle.

- What, like in a truck?

- No, no!

Cowboys!

It's a real old fashioned cattle drive.

- We drive the herd from New Mexico to Colorado.

- You can do this?

- We ride, we rope, we sleep out under the stars.

- Show him the brochure.

- It's fantastic, Mitch.

-It's the newest thing, people do this!

It's great!

- Wow, look at this.

- Real horses.

- Does look good.

- Good?

It's great.

Cowboys, that's what you always wanted to be.

Remember Mitch the Kid?

- Right, Mitch the Kid!

And it's when your vacation comes.

We have been planning it for weeks.

- I can't do it.

- Why?

- We are going to Florida to visit Barbara's parents.

- What, are you sick?

- No, it's planned already.

I promised.

- I worked every weekend for a year to get this.

What's with you these days?

- Nothing, you know, nothing.

It's just, I...

You know, I don't want to disappoint Barbara.

Who is that?

I know nine people and they are all here.

Excuse me.

- Hi.

- Hi, is Mr. Phil Berquist here?

- Can I get you something to...

- Mr. Berquist, your housekeeper told me where you were.

I'm in trouble.

- What are you doing here, Nancy?

Who's on register nine? - I don't know what to do.

- Harumaki?

- I don't think this is the time

or the place to talk about this.

- I'm late. - What?

- I missed my period!

- Whoops!

What?!

- I was at work and on my break,

and I took one of those home pregnancy tests from aisle 11.

- The ones on special?

- Yes!

And it came up blue.

- Why is she telling you this, Phil?

- Because I'm...

I'm her boss and...

We have a health plan.

- Son of a bitch!

You screwed this little girl in my father's store?!

- No, no, no!

- It was in his car!

- Oh, Jesus!

- And I'm not a little girl, I'm 20.

- Get out of this house, you little whore.

- Hey!

you must not talk to her that way!

- Fine.

I will tell my father what you did!

- No!

Do not call Mr. Levine!

Hey, put down that phone! - Phil.

Put it down. - No!

No. - Get, get off.

- That's my phone! - You are crazy!

- That's right!

Not having sex for 12 years will do that to a person!

- Now, come on, you two, stop it.

Come on, not in front of your friends. Come on.

- I'm not afraid of you!

I will call from the bedroom!

- The bedroom?

How would you know where the bedroom is?!

-I'm calling!

- Go ahead, call him!

I'm sure he's home!

It's his night to meet with the other escaped Nazis.

- I hate you!

- I hate you more!

If hate were people, I'd be China.

- Let's bring out the cake.

- Good party.

- It's...

- Mitch?

Is that what you've been trying to tell me?

That you feel like Phil?

- Like Phil?

- Yeah, am I going to be sitting here some night

and some checkout girl comes here looking for you?

- No, no, of course not.

- I know you are not happy here.

You are not happy at work.

I know how men think.

"I'm not happy here, I'm not happy there,

"I will be happy here."

- No-

You make me happy here.

- No-

- No, I make you feel trapped.

- No, you don't, it's not you.

- How do you think that makes me feel

when I hear you say that?

- I didn't mean you.

It's me.

I...

I just feel lost.

- Kim was telling me about this cattle drive thing.

- Oh.

- Maybe you should go.

- What about Florida?

- You will be miserable in Florida.

You will make me miserable.

You hate my parents.

- Look, I don't hate your parents.

- Oh, come on, Mitch, you have known my father

since you were 18 years old

and you have never called him by his name.

- What is his name?

It's a joke, I was just joking.

Look, I said I'm going to go and I am going to go.

- You do not understand what I say.

I did not say it's all right

if you don't want to come with us.

I'm saying I don't want you to come.

Go away with Ed.

Take Phil.

I am giving you these two weeks.

It is my present.

Go and find your smile.

- What if I can't?

- We will jump off that bridge when we come to it.

- My ass hurts just watching this.

- Are you kidding?

This is fantastic!

- Take him down, Hoss!

- I wonder if I could do that to Arlene.

- Phil, forget about it already.

- I could do it.

You have seen her ears.

- They must be the other guests.

- I wish you had not worn this jacket.

- Why not?

- Why, look at it, it's got your name

and your picture on it.

It's a little grotesque.

- I'm proud of what I do.

- So is the president.

He does not put his picture on his suit.

You guys guests here?

- Yeah, we just got here a minute ago. I'm Mitch Robbins.

- Ed Furillo.

I sell sporting goods.

- Show him your jacket.

- Yeah, I'm Phil Berquist.

I committed adultery.

Lost my job and my family.

- His jacket is being made.

- Yeah.

I'm Ben Jessup and this is my son, Steve Jessup.

- Where are you from?

- Baltimore.

We have a dental practice there.

- Really?

You are both dentists?

- Yes.

We are black and we are dentists.

Let's not make an issue out of it.

- They are not making an issue.

You are making an issue.

- Hello.

-this is great?

- We are Ira and Barry Shalowitz.

- Ira and Barry, that's like the ice cream.

- No, that's us.

- We make Ira and Barry's ice cream.

- Really, I love that ice cream.

It's two...

- Good looking guys.

- Models.

- If it was us, could you eat?

- Who is that?

I am Bonnie Rayburn.

Actually, I was supposed to meet somebody here,

but I got the message at the airport

that she's not coming and...

I am feeling really out of place.

I am thinking of leaving.

- No, you should stay.

- Right, right, right. - Stay, definitely.

- You know, when I was alive,

I would have found her attractive.

- Howdy.

I am Clay Stone and this is my wife, Millie.

- How do?

- Howdy.

- Welcome to the Stone ranch.

Believe it or not, that work you saw a while ago,

you all are going to be doing that the next two weeks.

- That's a good yahoo, son.

- Thank you.

- Now, this ranch has been in my family

for five generations, and we have always tried

to live out here by the code of the Old West.

If you came out here thinking this is a dude ranch,

I hate to disappoint you.

This is not pretend.

This is a real working ranch.

to our ranch in Colorado.

- This is going to be great.

- You may feel like a bunch of pigs on roller skates

for a while, but we are going to be watching you.

We will see how you sit on a horse.

And in a few days, you will be moving a herd

and going after strays.

And you will be in some country

that's just as pretty as heaven.

Now here are some of the folks you will be working with.

This is T.R. and Jeff.

They are both professional cowboys.

And our trail boss will be in in a couple of days.

And this is the best doggone Western chef going.

Cookie, hook up!

Tell them what they are going to eat.

- You are not getting nouveau, almondine,

thin crust, bottled water, fried city food.

Food's brown, hot, and plenty of it.

- It's not that bad!

Now, listen, we start work in the morning.

And I mean work.

You came out here city fools.

You are going to go home cowboys.

- What do you think?

- I think you look like one of the Village People.

- I will take that shirt, too.

- Excuse me.

Here, boy.

Here, boy.

- Whoa!

- You did it again. Boy, you are getting great, Ed.

- See?

It is easy.

Okay, your turn.

You will do it this time. - Okay.

- It's wrist, wrist, wrist, go.

- Okay.

- That's it, wrist, wrist, wrist, go.

Will you stop kidding around?

- I'm not kidding around.

I can't do this, I'm not good with ropes.

I can't even take the string off a bakery box.

- This time, run!

- Okay.

- Yahoo!

- Hey!

- The others can do it but not you.

It's embarrassing.

- It's not a competition, Ed.

- Everything's a competition.

Life is a competition.

Come on, try it again.

- How is it going?

- Okay.

Where have you been?

- Oh, I was watching them castrate a horse.

- Well, I'm hungry.

How about you, hm?

-Can I help you with that?

-No, thanks, I think I'm getting it.

- Are you?

Are you getting it?

- See this?

You see what's going on?

- Yeah, I will take the big one. - Wait, wait, wait a second.

We are guests here.

- What, will you wrestle ... the cowboys?

- I'm not going to do anything. - Wait, wait, wait.

Hey, let me handle this, okay?

You know how you get.

It will be High Noon.

- Come on, let me help you out.

- Look, just leave me alone.

- Oh, damn.

- Come on.

Well, I can't, you see.

I am in love.

- Hi, boys, how are you?

Yeah, I was just roping over there.

Thought I would mosey on over.

You know, I'd never moseyed before.

Hope I did it correctly.

I mean, I have walked, I have ambled.

I even sashayed once.

But that was in front of the draft board.

Hello!

oh, rough corral.

Bonnie, want to come roping

with us? - Yes.

- No, that's all right.

I think that Bonnie's talking with us, friend.

- She's fine right here.

- Guys, listen, what are you doing, huh?

This is not exactly 90's behavior,

I got to be honest with you.

- You stepped on my foot.

- He did not, you horse's ass.

- Ed.

- You want a piece of this?

- Any time, Zeke.

- How about right now, Stubby?

- Fine.

- This man owes you an apology.

- I am sorry, I didn't mean anything by it.

- Not you.

Him.

- Him, yeah, of course.

- Uh uh.

No.

God, I am sorry, madam, that will never happen again!

- Yeah, see that it doesn't.

I am sorry, I thought we were on the same...

You're doing fine.

- You guys were drinking.

Do not let it happen again.

- Huh huh.

- Madam.

- Did you see that guy?

That is the toughest man I have ever seen in my life.

Did you see how leathery he was?

He was like a saddle bag with eyes.

- Listen, it took a lot of courage to do what you did.

Thank you.

- Barry, over here, Barry.

Barry, look here.

- You are wrong, Ed, I am telling you.

It was not a stupid thing to say.

- It was.

She says, "Thanks", and you say, "I am married?"

- Yeah.

I don't want any false flirting.

- False flirting?.

- But what if you are like me?

What if you don't encourage them

and they still come after you?

- It does not happen.

See, women need a reason to have sex.

Men just need a place.

- Good night.

I am going to bed.

- Good night, sleep tight.

- That was flirting.

- No-

That was politeness.

That was, "Have a pleasant and restful evening."

- No, that was, "I like your ass.

"Could I wear it as a hat?"

- Say, hi.

Phil was telling us you had a little trouble

with Jeff and T.R.?

- Yeah, they were giving Bonnie a hard time.

- Yeah, but he took care of it.

- But what made it worse was the trail boss comes over.

- Curly?

- His name is Curly?

Perfect.

- You know what the cook said about him?

He said he killed a man in a knife fight.

- He said he slit him from neck to nuts.

- I am not happy about this.

- This guy is a cowboy.

One of the last real men.

He's untamed, a mustang.

We are trained ponies.

It will do us good to be in his world for a while.

- Do us good?

He was hanging the help.

- He was helping us.

- This guy is not normal, I am telling you.

Did you see his eyes?

He has got crazy eyes.

He is a lunatic.

I am telling you, we are going into the wilderness

being led by a lunatic.

He's behind me, isn't he?

- Time to turn in.

- Good night.

- Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I did not mean anything by that.

- I crap bigger than you.

- He's going to kill me.

- Watch it!

Excuse me!

Whoa!

Whoa.

- Great, you are riding so much better.

- Thanks.

Hey, I just talked to Nancy.

- Who is Nancy?

- She's the uh...

The girl.

- Oh, the uh...

The girl.

- She is not pregnant.

- Really?

- Well, that's good, isn't it?

- For her.

- So what does it mean?

- You know what I think?

Out there are all the answers.

- No, Ed.

Out there...

Are cows, and plenty of them.

We are going to go 200 miles with a big, moving stink.

Okay, ready? - Come on.

- You guys are probably too young to remember this,

but when I was a kid,

I remember seeing a movie called Red River.

- Oh, I have seen it on TV, yeah.

- But not in the movie theater.

The big screen, with John Wayne and Montgomery Clift.

You remember the scene?

It was the start of the cattle drive.

- Dad.

- No, no, son, that's why we are here.

- The yahoo scene?

- The yahoo scene!

Before they took the cattle out,

those cowboys waved their hats

in the air and yelled, "Yahoo!"

What do you say about that?

- All right!

Move them out!

- Yahoo!

- Yahoo!

- Yahoo!

- Feel like a idiot?

- Oh, yeah, a big idiot, yeah.

- We will see you in Colorado!

Fairy tales can come true

It can happen to you

If you are young at heart

For it's hard, you will find to be narrow of mind

If you're young at heart

And if you should survive to a hundred and five

Look at all you will derive just by being alive

Now here is the best part

You have a head start

If you are amongst the very young

I At heart

- Look, a stray.

You take him, Mitch.

- No, it's the first one, you get him, Ed.

- No, no, it's the first one. Let Phil have him.

- No, no, I will get the next one.

Look, you get this one, I will get the next one.

- You sure? I mean, there will be plenty.

- No, yeah, you get this one, I will get the next one.

Then Ed, then you, we will go--

- Like a round robin kind of thing.

That's good, yeah.

All right, so who gets this?

- You!

- All right, good.

Come on, go!

- Out of chute number nine!

- Hey, go Mitchy! - Let's rock, go, Mitchy!

- No, no, no, don't go back, no.

Think I can't see you behind there?

Hello.

Come on, now, move it, here we go.

Come on now, here we go, come on.

It's like chasing a mime.

-cowboy!

All right! - All right, Mitch!

- I did it!

All right!

Oh-oh.

Hey, Moon walk dance!

I want to thank everybody and God

for helping me get my stray in.

Let's go, boy.

Oh.

- All right, all right.

Come on back.

Come on back, come on back.

All right, now, easy on the clutch.

Cut the wheel!

Cut it, cut it, cut it!

That's it.

Straight back and park and lock it.

You got the keys, sir?

How long will you be?

I wish the kids had seen that.

- Then dump it into the personal

and then make out the cheque.

- What are we telling him this for? He's our accountant.

- What are we telling you this.? You are our accountant.

- No, don't...

Just get a Mets score. - Okay.

Arnold, I am losing you.

We are going behind a butt.

Arnold?

Arnold, what's the Mets score?

The Mets, huh...

I lost him.

- That saddle is having all the fun.

- You have, a dirty mind.

- would you like to screw her brains out?

- Lovely image.

It is up there with your other favorite comment,

"Bang her."

- I'm sorry if I offended your delicate sensibilities.

I noticed you were staring at her pretty good.

- That's different.

- Different?

- Yeah.

Look, I go to an art gallery, right?

And I see a Picasso painting.

- Oh, she's a Picasso now?

- No, she's not a Picasso.

If she was a Picasso, she'd have three tits.

I am saying, if I see a nice painting,

- Let me ask you this.

What if you could have great sex

with someone very attractive

and Barbara would never find out?

- It's a big trap. I mean, look what happened to Phil.

The girl came to his house, then she came to my house.

- Yeah.

Let's say a spaceship lands.

- Good, reality.

Are you listening to this?

- A spaceship lands and the most beautiful woman

you ever saw gets out.

And all she wants to do is have the greatest sex

in the universe with you.

- Could happen.

- And the second it's over, she flies away for eternity.

No one will ever know.

are you saying you would not do it?

- No-

Because what you are describing

happened to my cousin, Ronald.

And his wife did find out about it at the beauty parlor.

They know everything there.

- Forget about it.

- Look, Ed, what I'm saying is it would not make it all right

if Barbara didn't know.

I would know, and I would not like myself.

That's all.

- Pay attention, girls, we got strays.

- Hi, Curly.

Kill anyone today?

- Day is not over yet.

- Hi!

- I wonder what Barbara is doing.

- You're really with just one woman for 15 years?

Just one?

- Yes, Ed, I'm married, I caught my limit.

Why are you talking about this?

- Let's say...

All your life, for breakfast, you are eating

from the cereal variety Pack.

- And a spaceship lands.

- No-

And then you do not get the Variety Pack.

You pick one, your favorite one,

and you just get that one from then on.

Every day for the rest of your life, the same cereal.

And then you wake up one morning

and you are just not hungry anymore.

- You can't get an erection.

- Hey, pal, I can get an erection any time I want.

Watch.

- Ed, please, don't, come on.

Leave the stallion in the corral.

You will knock me into the fire, okay?

Kim wants to have kids.

- And you don't?

- I tell her it's because we would not have as much fun.

It would hurt her modeling job.

But that's not the reason.

Having a kid, that is scary.

That's a real commitment.

That's saying, "I will never be with another woman

"for the rest of my life."

- Wait a minute, let me clarify this.

I have no life.

We all agree on that, right?

- Right. - Yeah.

- Okay, and your big problem is that you are married

to this gorgeous 24 year old underwear model

who thinks that the sun rises and sets in your pants,

and that's not enough for you?

- You don't understand.

- No, I don't understand.

- I don't want to cheat on Kim.

- So don't.

- Oh.

From the king of restraint.

- What does that mean?

- It means that's pretty smug advice coming from a man

who mounted an 18 year old checkout girl

on the day old bread rack.

- She's 20, and shut up.

- Let me get you excited, Phil.

"I need a price, register nine.

"I need a price."

- stop that.

- Guys, come on--

- What'd you use for protection? Paper or plastic?

Come on! - Come on!

- We are on vacation!

- You will do nothing!

- You are scaring the cattle.

- We were just joking.

- See you tomorrow.

Sun up.

- Morning.

- Hi. - You finished with that?

- Yeah, help yourself.

- See, Mom, we are keeping clean.

- It's cold, but I'm a real pioneer man, yeah.

- Morning.

- Good morning. - Morning.

- Come on, guys.

You are sorry, you are sorry.

Let's make up, huh?

All right.

- My fault.

- No, it's all right.

- Now, to celebrate, I got a special treat.

I'm going to make fresh coffee.

Battery operated, instantly grinds its own beans.

Only 19.95.

Come on, why live like animals?

- That's great. - Yeah.

- All right, now first cup is for

for my good friend Phil,

who when we were kids used

to let me watch his sister undress.

- Uh. - I never forgot it, Phil.

Because I still do it.

Okay!

there is something scaring the cattle.

- Look, look, look, the cows are going away.

-look at them go!

- That is amazing!

- Stampede!

- We gotta get them!

- We must get them.

- Whoa, whoa!

- Beautiful.

Get that in the frame. - Oh, yeah, I got them.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I am going to die, I am going to die!

Oh, God!

- They are coming at us!

Come on!

- Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

- Bonnie, there's a stampede!

In your tent!