Original subtitles

[birds chirping]

Alexa? How many ounces are in 2 cups?

ALEXA: 2 cups is 16 fluid ounces.

Thanks.

Alexa, where do pancakes come from?

ALEXA: The Ancient Greeks made pancakes called tigan�tes.

The word derives from tig�ni, meaning "frying pan."

Ah. I thought it was the Chinese.

The Chinese love inventing things, like the compass

and fireworks and gunpowder.

And part of Naomi Campbell. He, he!

Did you know that Naomi Campbell was part Chinese?

Oh hey, I made some special breakfast for you.

I can't. I gotta go to work.

I'll be back later, though.

It's okay. I'll eat the pancakes by myself.

- [sad violin] - And then I'll die.

I'll collapse on the floor and nobody will find me.

And then the maggots will come and just eat me out.

- [rock music ringtone] - [phone vibrates]

- Hello? - MAN: Hello, is this Mrs. Lin?

- Speaking? - MAN: Hi, Mrs. Lin.

It appears that there's been an error at the bank.

And we have $50 that belongs to you.

We can credit your account now

if you're able to confirm your account number.

Okay, uh, you know, uh, I'm not sure.

Let me find my card. Oh, here it is.

MAN: Go ahead.

The number is four, five, seven, nine,

Fuck off, you scammer!

?

So, we're all here.

Wait, where's Shu Shu?

She said she can't make it.

Maybe she's still recovering from the flesh-eating bacteria.

Typical Shu Shu.

Well, anyway, it was Siqi's turn to pick the book this time.

I hope everyone enjoyed "Little Women"

by Louisa May Alcott.

To be honest, I did not.

Yes, a better title would've been "White Women."

Mm-hmm.

- [rock music ringtone] - [phone vibrates]

Hello? Oh, sure.

My account number is six, nine, six, nine,

fuck off!

Ay-ah, can you believe these tele-scammers?

They think we're stupid, like us Chinese can't smell a trap.

Saying I have $50 credit in my bank account.

- He said a credit of $50? - Yeah!

And his voice was clearly altered

like he was some kind of robot.

Oh no! I think I got the same call.

Me too.

You didn't fall for it, right?

I sent him a selfie with my debit card.

I faxed him my birth certificate.

You have to check your bank accounts.

I think you got scammed!

- Ooh! - That's it!

We have to do something about this.

?

I'm here to report multiple crimes.

What can I do for you?

My friends got ripped off by a telephone scammer.

He got their bank account numbers and stole from them.

- $120 each! - Okay.

Someone will be out to give you some paperwork to fill out.

- We don't have time for forms! - Where's the sheriff?

Nonviolent cases are automatically lower priority.

We have drug dealers. We have stabbings.

So if you and your friends could please take a seat,

someone will be with you.

Congrats on the wedding.

NORA: We have a bevy of different strains

in the CBD world.

Upper... you know, you drink a cup of coffee,

feel like having a little diarrhea,

this is not gonna make you that up.

I think on a scale of coffee to crystal meth,

this probably lies well below coffee.

It doesn't really work.

But, this one, actually very special.

It's a lube, right?

But lube can be used for all sorts of things,

not just tires, right?

I would put it up... in my asshole...

Hold it. If you just would excuse me.

You should do a focus group or two.

I think you'd be amazing at it.

- Oh, shit! - Hey!

[shouting]

How long have the two of you been partners?

Partners? It's like one kiss.

- Nora! - [yelps]

What's going on?

What are you doing here, Margaret?

You are on the FBI's Most Wanted List.

- I'm not anymore. - They cut me a deal.

I missed you.

Oh, they made you a deal?

What are you, fucking Big Lots?

MARGARET: No, truly, though.

It turns out if you just turn somebody in

that's doing some stuff,

the FBI just totally lets you go.

And my brother-in-law?

He was just taking hot, wet dumps in, like,

public parking lots?

And people don't like that shit, literally.

And he also had sex with a couple of rare birds

but, you know, to each their own.

So I turned him in and he got arrested.

And so here I am. How are you doing?

Good? You look good.

- You almost put me in jail. - You remember that, Margaret?

Look, this is a legitimate job for me, okay?

I'm not trying to scam anybody. That's in my past.

What's in the past is in the P-A-S-T.

- You know what that spells? - Past.

I'm on the straight and narrow.

Mostly narrow.

Did I mention you look good?

- So good. - Thank you.

Like you're just drinking all the pineapple juices.

Is this a wig? 'Cuz this is a good wig.

- No, all mine, all mine. - Is it?

?

- Those cops are assholes. - Just because it's, what?

Not a murder? I'll murder their faces.

[phone ringing, vibrating]

MAN: Hello, Mrs. Lin.

Did you enjoy your little tattletale trip to the cops?

I'm sure that they were very helpful in giving back

all this money that I stole from your friends...

Who by the way, are now all broke as shit.

[gasps] He's taunting me!

- He's taunting us. - MAN: That's correct.

Too bad you can't stop me from doing it again.

In fact, I've already done it again.

- What does that mean? - Done it to who?

[knocking at door]

Shu Shu! Are you okay?

?

- Hi. - Oh my god.

Did you get scammed too?

That's it.

- This bitch is gonna die. - Fuck yeah.

I faxed him a proof of payment and my driver's license because

he told me he would throw in a gift certificate

to Edible Arrangements.

Shu Shu, how is it that you still look so good?

Stop. I look young on the outside.

But internally, I have prolapsed.

- Oh, thank god. - Yeah, I can tell.

The only thing that's gonna prolapse

is this scammer asshole!

Since the police won't help us, we must resort to plan B.

We take him on ourselves.

Siqi, you have a moderately successful Etsy store

and animals love you.

You're basically a dog whisperer.

Shu Shu has broken every bone in her body

through freak accidents.

But she's an all-around badass.

Iris, you are criminally cute.

And you always have lotion on hand.

You can get us out of any sticky situation.

And I'm our fearless leader.

Voiceover queen, amazing friend,

I once ate a fuck ton of shrimps.

So, first let's find out where the hell he's calling from.

- On it. - I'm Googling the number.

He's calling from... from the G&Y Food Mart on 30th Avenue.

- All right, then. - Let's go there and kick his ass!

?

[door chime]

- Can I help you? - Yeah!

You can start by giving my friends their money back, thief!

I'm sorry.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Liar. You are running a phone scam out of this bodega

and we want justice!

No, I'm not.

Our number is spoofed all the time.

What!?

It wasn't anybody actually calling from here.

They were just faking the number.

Now, I'm sorry, but the nervous teenager behind you

is trying to buy condoms.

MAN: Hello, Mrs. Lin.

Good job tracking down the bodega.

Did you really think that I was stupid enough

to use my own phone number?

Maybe I'll go here next.

- He knows where I live? - MAN: Or here.

- IRIS: [gasps] - He knows where we all live?

- MAN: That's correct. - The fun is going to continue.

'Cuz I'm gonna scam this grandma.

[gasping]

- MAN: And this one. - [gasping]

- MAN: And this one. - [gasping]

- MAN: And this one. - [gasping]

MAN: And there's nothing you can do to stop me.

Oh, by the way, try the Fuego Chili Lime Takis

in the last aisle.

They'll take your tongue skin right off, but in a good way.

What the hell was that "V for Vendetta" shit?

?

MARGARET: This'll make your hands tingly,

but don't put it on your tongue... unless you want to.

Unless you have a lot of homework, you know what I mean?

Also, I can just find you something stronger...

Hey. You got Blue Shoes?

Um, I... I don't know what those are.

Come one, I know you have 'em.

Let me... let me go ask my manager...

- No, no, no. - I... I... I know you got 'em.

This is where I always get 'em.

We have a blue bath bomb.

Dick pills!

We don't sell dick pills here.

- Her. Curlita! - She got them for me.

- Hey, Oscar! - Right back, okay?

- What's up? - What are you doing in here?

- What do you mean? - I'm working like you doin'.

- You are selling dick pills. - What are you talking about?

Okay, you need your green juice today.

Will you take care of them?

They're ready to spend some money they don't have

and I'm here for it. Hey, Oscar.

OSCAR: [whispers] Hey, Curlita, how are you?

I'm good.

I love that you love Blue Ivy Carter.

- She's making an appearance. - Yes, tonight, tonight.

Yes, and we do love Blue so much.

[camera shutter clicking]

?

That hacker is underestimating us.

He doesn't know that my grandson is also a computer genius.

You know, I'm an actor now.

I haven't actually hacked into anything in over a year.

Not since I accidentally uploaded

the wrong workout photo to Scruff...

Will you stop thinking about ass and help us?

Sorry, okay.

Um, let me find the IP addresses

that are linked to the bank accounts

and we'll go from there. It shouldn't take too long.

?

[sighs]

?

[cracking]

?

EDMUND: Okay, I need a break.

?

[typing]

I got it!

I found the address where he's getting the cash delivered!

Oh, I am so ready to cut a bitch!

Ah, thank you for helping us, Edmund.

No, thank you, Grandma.

I think I sweat so much that I lost 5 pounds.

I'm gonna be so thin for my audition.

Oh, audition? What for?

Okay, so it's this cross between "Dear Evan Hansen"

and "Cabin in the Woods"...

Edmund, I don't give a shit right now.

But Grandma loves you.

?

[whispers] Penis enhancement drug ring...

Long Island

24 people arrested?

?

[typing]

?

[gasps] I knew it! Blue Shoes.

I knew there was a dick pill conspiracy.

[camera shutter clicking]

SHU SHU: Now what?

Now we get revenge.

Don't fuck with grandmas.

GRANDMA: Okay, it's pretty clear

there's one best way to do this.

We'll have to stealthily sneak into the house.

SIQI: Wait, which one of us is doing the flips?

- GRANDMA: Shut up, Siqi. - Don't interrupt me.

There is a dog door. That's how we're getting in.

We'll sneak through the kitchen.

Then we'll charge upstairs and take down the scammer.

Amazing. Let's go.

Eh, it's 8:15 and I'm pretty tired.

- Me too. - Yeah.

Okay, what if we all get a good night's sleep

and then reconvene at 4:00 in the morning,

when it's still dark?

- Great. - Love it!

I'm just gonna sleep here tonight, okay?

?

- [whispers] Hey, Merlene? - Hey.

Can I just talk to you for a quick second?

Traditionally one works at a job for longer than a few months

before asking for a raise.

No, I'm not... I'm not asking for a raise.

- Um... it's Margaret. - Love her.

Right, she's also, like, a maniacal con artist/ex-convict.

She's my best salesperson.

- I have photo evidence... - Photo evidence...

That she is selling drugs up in here.

And not these kinds of drugs.

[whispers] Penis drugs.

[sighs] Follow me.

I surrender!

- Oh, hey, boo-boo. To what? - What are you surrendered to?

A maxi dress?

Are you in on this?

There's a CBD store on every block now.

And Nora, I have a family.

You have two chinchillas, Merlene.

Yeah, and one of them has diabetes.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I donated to your GoFundMe, by the way.

Thank you so much, Margaret. She's...

MARGARET: Yeah, I'm the best.

Come on, Nora, just join us, okay?

I do the sales. Merlene does the distro.

He gets the goods for the supplies and whatnot.

Ah, come on.

And, like, Oscar, Sad Dad, always has a boner.

Eew.

It's a win-win. Come join us.

- No, this is... this is wrong. - This is not okay.

- Come on, be cool, be chill. - You know, we were lovers once.

She was very chill back then.

- It was a one kiss situation. - No tongue.

It was so much more to me.

I mean... you should see the memories on my phone.

I'm just saying, Nora, lighten up.

We could use your help.

You'd make 2 grand a week.

?

?

Iris! What the fuck is that?

We're supposed to wear all black.

It's camouflage.

- That's flowers! - And what the fuck is that?

A shoehorn.

- What... ah, never mind. - It's go time.

?

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GRANDMA: Uh oh.

This dog door's a lot smaller than we thought.

My bones are soft and pliable because of osteoporosis.

I got this.

I just need Siqi to take care of the dog.

Here, puppy, puppy, puppy!

- ALL: Oh! - [Chihuahua barks]

A Chihuahua!

Iris, you're up.

Lotion bitch time.

?

Time to shine, Shu Shu.

BOTH: [grunting]

Boop.

[house alarm wailing]

- [wailing stops] - [grunts]

[pants]

?

- [hushed chatter in Chinese] - IRIS & SIQI: Walk faster!

- [chatter continues in Chinese] - IRIS: Go, go!

- [chatter continues in Chinese] - SIQI: Don't be so loud!

[thump, something breaking]

[overlapping chatter in Chinese]

?

Oh, what the fuck, Shu Shu?

Help me!

[frantic muffled voice]

Oh, shit. It's a kid.

It's you. How did you...

Help! Help! Child in danger! Child in danger!

How do we get him to shut up?

We do what grandmas do best: Feed him.

Actually, I am pretty hungry.

Aw, shut up.

?

MERLENE: Nora, you already work for me selling CBD.

This is basically the same thing.

Who doesn't wanna be part of the Rod Squad?

Look how cool we are.

We are helping sad dads all across the country.

We are saving marriages.

Don't you wanna help that dick?

No, no, sorry, no, no, I can't, I can't.

Okay, fine.

But if you change your mind, you know where to find me.

By the way, I'm not going by Margaret anymore.

- I'm going by Beef. - Why?

Because it's delicious and you always wanna eat it.

Duh! It's what's for dinner.

And lunch. It's low carb. High protein.

Come on, you know you have, like, a iron deficiency.

It's how I came up with it in the first place.

- [whispers] - Did you have to... Okay.

Remember you always talked about the Atkins Diet?

Beef all day, boo-boo.

Great, awesome.

Well, with that in mind, I guess I quit.

If you're quitting, you need to return your shirt.

It's $39.

I will return the shirt, Merlene.

MARGARET: Love you!

Your dick's gonna break.

?

I didn't mean to hurt any of you guys.

It's why I just took a little bit from each person.

A little to you can mean a lot to someone else.

I guess.

I... I was just trying to do enough to get noticed.

Nobody notices me. My parents are never there.

Just...

I literally didn't have anything better to do.

You know, nobody notices us either.

Old people, young people, nobody takes us seriously.

Well, obviously not old people. Duh.

My friend wants to kill you.

But I know you're a good kid.

Just promise me you won't scam anybody again.

- Yeah, yeah, okay. - GRANDMA: Good.

But you're gonna have to eat an entire durian

in under 60 seconds.

Wait, no, no, no.

It says no outside food right over there.

We're a bunch of old people and a kid.

Who's gonna notice?

One Mississippi, two Mississippi...

- No, no, no, really. - I'm allergic to Asian food...

- Eat the durian, bitch. - With stinky tofu.

Three Missi... oh, nominy nom nom nom.

- Chew it. - Yum.

Ah, yeah.

[laughs] Oh, yeah.

You weren't kidding when you said shopping spree, huh?

GRANDMA: Yeah, we got the money back from that scammer.

Well, from his parents.

This is gonna be the best book club ever.

I should start reading some more.

I have time now that I quit my job.

What? What happened?

It just, um...

You know, it wasn't the right fit for me.

That's okay.

I'm gonna find something else and it'll be good.

Okay, I'm sure you'll find something soon, Bao Bao.

I want to see what the fuss is all about

with these spicy lime fuego chips.

NORA: Be careful with those.

I think those are for young people, Shu Shu, not you!

[crunching]

Hah, hah, hah, hah, oh...

Oh, shit! Oh, shit!

Oh, shit, my tongue skin!

My tongue skin! Oh my god!

[shouting]

SHU SHU: [yells]

?

??

Who the [bleep] is Awkwafina?

?

? MTV

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