Original subtitles

[?]

Hey, watch where you're going, man.

Oh, your ass.

[?]

[indistinct mumbling]

[knocking at door]

[?]

Edmund.

[crying] E-e-e-e-e-e.

Can you cry with any other vowel, please?

- [sobs] O-o-o-o-o-o. - No, no, no, no.

[?]

*AWKWAFINA IS NORA FROM QUEENS*

Season 02 Episode 04

Okay, alright. Look, I'm sorry, let me get this straight.

You got fired because of what?

A court summons?

Oh, shit. Is this...

Yes, my mother has been indicted in the college

admissions scandal for extortion and bribery.

What?

I got into Stanford solely because she bribed the fencing

coach into admitting me on "an athletic scholarship."

For what sport?

- Fencing, I said! - Oh.

And I was actually passionate and good at it for 11 years.

Okay, but you still went to Stanford, right?

You still got a Stanford education.

Nora, I can show my face in Silicon Valley again.

My life is meaningless.

[sobs]

Are you smiling right now?

No, this is not a smile.

I'm just airing my teeth out.

It's just that I've always been a little jealous of you.

Not jealous of the tail, which, you know, I have gripped.

I have done one of those.

But then you became such an accomplished, awesome person.

And now seeing just how shit you are and everything is for you,

it's comforting.

I'm glad that my demise and anatomy

bring you inner peace, Nora.

Yeah.

My mind went to some dark places.

I thought about all the bullshit and all the posturing.

Like nothing I did in tech actually benefited humanity.

Yeah.

I mean, maybe this is my wakeup call,

maybe this is the universe telling me, "Edmund,

"give back to the world you took so much from.

Give back!"

I know it'll be hard, but it's what I have to do.

- Ah, man, that's so beautiful. - I'm so proud of you.

What are we talking about? Like nonprofit work?

Charity work?

Acting.

Ooh.

[?]

[grunting]

- [phone ringing] - Huh?

[heavy breathing]

[ringing continues]

[groans]

Damon, what is it?

Wally man, hey. Listen, I got some bad news.

I'm not sure if I should tell you this,

but it felt like the right thing to do, you know?

Are you familiar with the dating app?

- Friiiingr? - What? Finger?

Fr-iiiingr. Friiiingr.

Although it's ironic you say that,

because it's how my last date ended, if you know what I mean.

Damon, what's up?

Well, long story short, bucareeno,

I was swiping through yesterday and, uh... well,

why don't you take a look for yourself? Hmm?

What the fuck?

Yeah, I'm sorry, Wall Man.

- But I took some screenshots. - No!

- I'm gonna send them to you. - I gotta go, Damon, bye.

[sighs]

[phone dings]

[?]

[heavy breathing]

[crash]

[grunting]

Urgh! My back!

Ow!

[?]

Acting? I mean, in this economy?

Not now, then when?

Maybe after you secure a stable day job? I don't know.

Oh God. I sound like everyone talking to me.

[phone ringing]

Oh, here we go, my mom is calling.

Hello, Mother. Barry?

Hey, kiddo, you're looking good.

You too, Barry.

I see the Cialis has yet to give you stroke number two.

Edmund, why are you in New York?

- You need to get back here now. - Why?

So I can testify at your bribery and extortion trial,

you demon woman?

Edmund, I know you're upset.

- I never meant to hurt you. - No, Mother, I'm done.

I've had no control over my life from the second I was born.

Do you know what that's like?

For the first time, I'm doing something that I want to do.

If I could just cut in, I fully support you on your acting

journey, son.

Can you shut the fuck up for once Barry?

Yes, Barry, please stop.

BARRY: I'm just trying to help.

Where's Dad?

KIM: He's still on business in the Macau,

but I've emailed him several times.

On business, great.

Well, goodbye, Mother.

- Edmund! - [phone beeps]

- That went so good, I think. - Yeah.

Yeah. You know what?

While I don't think it's the best alternative, Edmund,

I-I will support you on your journey.

Thanks, Nora.

Because I think I may need to crash here for a bit.

Yeah, I think Grandma's fully prepared to make that downstairs

couch all for you.

I thought maybe we could bunk up together in your room.

Probably not.

Because we can tell nighttime stories,

- or sings songs. - No.

Or, um, when it's cold, we can sneak hot cocoa together.

- Or we could get a bunkbed. - I masturbate so loud.

Oooh. Yeah.

[phone ringing]

Decline.

Oh no, here...

- Wally, where have you been? - I've been texting.

You know, I'm kind of busy right now.

Is someone walking on your back?

I gotta go. Bye.

- Oh... - [phone beeps]

You should talk to Brenda first before freaking out.

Maybe there's a reason she was on a dating app.

What reason could there be except for the...

- Uh! - [groaning]

Okay, enough.

I can't walk any further or I'll compromise your pubis.

You know who you should see?

Susan Lee.

I don't need an acupuncturist.

Listen to me, my friend Mei went to her

because of stomach problems.

Turns out, at 72, she was pregnant.

Pregnant with a tumor.

And today, Mei is still here in Cedar Grove Cemetery.

She died?

Yeah, but Susan is still very good.

[?]

[groan]

[soothing music plays]

- SUSAN ON INTERCOM: Wally Lin? - Huh?

Uh, yes, it's me.

SUSAN: You may enter.

[groans]

Oh, whoa.

I'm not used to having such gorgeous patients come in.

Oh, ow. Thanks.

- Please disrobe. - Okay.

I'll leave the room.

Even though I don't want to.

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I can see the problem is in your back.

Yeah, I tweaked it earlier.

Oh, Wally, you haven't changed a bit.

You're still working out, I see.

Yeah.

Do we know each other?

We went to high school together.

You may not remember me.

I wasn't "normal."

What?

The problem with your back isn't structural.

Your chakras are off.

No kidding.

Just like when you broke up with Monica Santos

in tenth grade.

There's trouble in your love life.

What's her name?

Oh.

- Brenda. - Okay.

I need you to close your eyes and think about Brenda.

[heavy breathing]

[banging]

Alright, okay.

- It's secure. - Okay.

What are we doing? What even is a self-tape?

It's like an audition, but you do it from home.

And instead of doing 1 take, you do like 26.

And then after you're done, you send in your favorite one.

And then, "Hello, the CW."

Yeah, but these rules are super intense, dude.

- They wanna shoot you horizontal? - Yeah.

- What's that mean? - Landscape mode.

- I don't think we should do it. - Nora.

A monkey could do this.

[?]

- Am I in? - You're so on that side.

- Frame up that way. - Okay.

- Yup, you ready? - Yeah.

'Cause you need to go left more.

- I'm out? - You're totally out.

- I'm in? - Yeah, you're in.

- What's my range of motion? - That.

If you can't control that... [screams]

Yeah.

[?]

- If you can't handle that... - No, sorry, I was on photo.

Alright, here we go.

If you can't control that...

Oh my, it looks so bad on video now.

It's like a whole different lens.

What do you mean?

[?]

If you can't control that bitch, I will.

[in Australian accent] If you can't handle the bitch, I will.

[in Scottish accent] If you can't control the bitch, I will.

If you can't control that bitch, I will.

If you can't control that bitch, I will.

I felt that.

If you can't control that bitch... I will.

Mm-hmm. Cut on rehearsal, that was so good.

- You weren't recording? - No.

No, I wasn't recording those.

[screams]

[?]

Just breathe and let me do all the work.

Okay.

SUSAN: I'm gonna put it in now, Wally.

Oooh.

[?]

[?]

- We're done. - We're done.

Huh? What?

You're gonna feel a lot better today.

Whoa. Wow.

Oh, what... I already do.

Thanks.

[?]

Okay, we are really doing this.

We are really doing this. An open audition.

That's alright, here, have some Vitamin Water.

It's got vitamins and Emergen-C in it.

This is not Vitamin Water, Nora.

It's Mountain Dew. Duh.

What else would I put in a thermos?

What did I do to die today to make it to two 'til two.

- Things... - NORA: Oh man.

There are three actors that look just like you.

And they're all hot.

EDMUND: Oh God, oh God, oh God!

NORA: Yeah.

No, drink normal.

- Ed Lin? - Present!

- Ed? - Yeah, it's my stage name.

Doesn't it make me sound more mature?

- Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. - It sounds like shit, Edmund.

Shit name, dude.

Okay, please state your name.

Ed Lin, 5'8", 5'9" in the mornings.

I am reading for Jonathan.

Great, ready when you are.

I'm ready.

Connor: Ah, man, there you go, smack talking us again.

Chloe: Don't be afraid to take home your second place trophy,

boys. Didn't you leave them here last time?

Yeah. Pft, like in my aa-ss.

That was great, Ed, but this time,

can you do that with a little less crescendo

- on the "aa" part of ass? - Yes.

"Aa" -absolutely.

Thanks.

And... action.

[farts]

That was a cloud.

That was... that was the weather.

[?]

[laughing]

Excuse me, you know Brenda is a dumbass bitch?

[chimes sounding]

[laughs] Sorry, what?

Do you know where the seven stop is?

Thanks.

[laughs]

The best piece in the chicken, this right here.

Can't be the right place.

It's the right place.

You want some chicken?

Ew no-oh, I'll take a little.

Take a little bit... skin while it's hot.

Hey.

Hi.

Is this for the audition?

Yeah, it's for Jurassic Park, internally.

[laughs] You still in?

Yeah.

- Yeah. - [laughs]

I'll be right here, I'm not moving.

I will not leave your side.

[?]

Come on over here, hit your mark.

Okay, so there's, uh, something in front of you.

I think it's an egg.

You're gonna pick it up.

You're gonna kiss it.

And then roll it off stage left.

Perfect, perfect.

Oh, and now there's a little Limusaurus Rex standing

directly in front of you.

You approach it in wonder.

Pick it up.

Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it.

Now you're gonna fuck it.

Sorry, excuse me?

I mean, you're gonna kiss it on the cheek.

- [watch dings] - Oh, sorry.

Oh my God, I just got a callback!

Wait, you still wanna fuck it?

So I'm gonna go.

[knocking at door]

[knocking continues]

Oh, yeah.

Alright!

[knocking continues]

Hey!

I've been calling, and no one's answering,

so I wanted to make sure everything was okay.

Oh yeah, everything's swell.

What's going on?

Is there something you're not telling me?

That's funny, because I was thinking that there was

something you're not telling me.

Damon found your Friiiingr profile.

Oh my gosh. [laughs]

What was I thinking with those highlights, am I right?

[laughs]

So this is funny to you?

Oh, come on, Wally, I haven't been on that app in months.

So why does it say "status active," huh?

I don't know.

I must have deleted the app but not my account.

I'm just saying...

if you wanna go out with other people, that's fine.

I don't.

Do you?

Is that what this is all about?

Why would you even ask me that?

I'm not the one trawling the internet for guys.

- Trawling? - Mm.

Like a shrimp boat?

You're saying I'm a shrimp boat?

If the shoe fits, Bubba Gump.

You know what?

I'm gonna go.

Good, yeah.

Go.

Fine.

- Goodby... - [back cracks]

Oh, no, fuck.

[groans]

[sighs]

Who needs Brenda?

[?]

Oh!

[?]

Hi, Wally.

[?]

[heavy breathing]

It isn't even on.

What the fuck did that acupuncturist do to me?

Ahh!

Oh-ho-ho, for me?

Free?

Wow, yes, take that.

Legit, dude. [sniffs] Yeah.

I know, right?

I don't even know what audition I booked this from.

- I did so many. - It's your time, dude.

- Break a leg. I'll be in the car. - Okay, thanks for doing this.

Couldn't have done it without you.

- Hey, are you Edmund Lin? - Yes, that's me.

- Right this way. - Wait a minute.

I've only been auditioning under Ed Lin.

How do you know my name is Edmund?

Oh, uh, I don't know.

It says here Edmund Lin.

And in the notes it says, "Favor hire for mother.

Don't tell him."

Are you F-ing kidding me!

[?]

KIM: Edmund, what's the big deal?

I just made a few calls.

No, I said I wanted to make it without your help!

- KIM: Honey, I'm your mother. - No, mother!

I finally realized that I would rather get a wine opener stuck

in my butthole than ever depend on you again.

From this day forward, I am cutting myself

off of your money... effective immediately.

- Goodbye. - [phone beeps]

You gotta call her back, tell her you think

that's a lot of money.

Continue getting the money and just send it to me!

No! I am going to do this for myself

without her or any help.

Oh my God, did I just make a huge mistake?

Definitely, because nepotism is a big way into Hollywood.

But then also, starting over no money, connections,

no prospects.

It's bold and admirable.

Thank you.

Even if it means I have to do a million sketchy auditions,

at least I'll know I made it... on my own.

- [singing] - No.

Yeah, I'll work on it.

[groaning] Oh God, it's you.

Your mom called and said your back seized up.

I just came to check on you.

I know you roofied me with your devil needles to make me

have weird fantasies about you.

But it won't work.

I know what I want now.

- Oh, you do? - Mm-hmm.

What do you want?

I want Brenda.

[?]

- Brenda? - Wally, have you been du-du-du?

What are you doing here?

I just told you.

Your mom called, told me your back seized up,

and I came by to check on you.

Oh God, I'm sorry.

I freaked out about you being on Friiiingr.

I just got so jealous.

[sighs] Well, I get it.

- Because I'm awesome. - [scoffs]

Yeah, you are.

You're alright, dollface.

You're alright, too, man face.

- No, I'm a dumbass. Hey. - Yeah.

My back doesn't hurt anymore.

'Cause I slipped you some aspirin.

You know aspirin works just as well as acupuncture.

Oh, really?

That's so embarrassing that my mom called you.

No, she's just really worried about you.

Yeah, I'll tell you one thing.

- She's always looking out for me. - Mm-hmm.

[?]

Hey, Nora?

What, Edmund?

It's normal to be... scared, right?

Yeah.

I'd say that's normal.

[?]

[TV indistinct wrestling]

NORA: [mumbling]

- Nora! - NORA: [mumbling]

- Nora! - No, the '90s.

- Nora! - Yeah. What, yeah?

Sorry, can you turn that down?

Turn what down?

The wrestling or whatever.

That's what you heard?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll put it through my phones.

[?]

Thanks, Nora.

[TV indistinct wrestling]

- Nora! - NORA: [mumbling]

[sighs]

[TV indistinct chatter]

I can still hear it.

[?]

Who the [bleep] is Awkwafina?

[?]

? MTV

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