Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

What the fuck?

Hello?

Hi, Patrick.

Come on, it's not that late.

It is when your kids are gonna

be waking you up in a few hours.

Just do what Mom did, tell 'em to get their asses

back in bed or else Santa will give their presents

to poor black kids.

God, she was a bitch.

Was?

Oh, right, now she's a cunt.

Um, hey, remember at lunch the other day

that book I was reading, "Undiscovered Girl"?

The one about the teenage blogger?

Are you smoking?

What?

No, I quit.

Stop.

Look, anyway, I just finished reading the book

and at the end Katie, that's the blogger's name,

Katie Kampenfelt, she goes missing.

What, you mean...

She narrates the whole book and then at the end

her mom takes over and says that a ton

of what Katie told us about herself,

even her name, it isn't true.

And then after her last blog entry she got into her car

and she was never seen again.

She's never used any of her credit cards

and never used a cell phone.

The mom wants us to try to help find her.

So, what are you...

I just, I need to know what happened to her, you know?

Like...

Was she kidnapped?

Did she run away?

They discovered a dead body at the end of the book

but we don't know if it's Katie or not.

You're talking about her like she's real.

She could be.

Maybe it could be based on a true story.

It's possible, right?

Where'd you buy the book?

Amazon.

Fiction or nonfiction?

Wait, didn't you say a guy wrote it?

I'm sorry, I'm-

- Lonely, I know.

Get some sleep.

Come over whenever you want tomorrow.

The earlier the better.

Oh, hey, tell Mom to pick up a gallon

of apple cider on the way.

Okay.

- Love you. - Love you, too.

Dear Katie, I just finished your book

and now I can't sleep.

I keep imagining your body lying in the woods somewhere.

Empty eyes, wet, filthy hair.

Bugs crawling inside your nose and ears.

It's been awhile since my mind turned this dark.

What can I say?

I'm by myself too much.

I overthink everything.

Anyway, I'm not an idiot.

I know you're not really Katie.

You're just an author.

Some dude trying to sell books.

But if you really were Katie, we'd be best friends.

I know it.

Do you think he's gonna write back?

Who?

The writer.

Oh.

He's probably too busy jerking off in the mirror.

What do you mean?

Well, yeah, he wants to sell books,

but he also wants fangirls to write him

and tell him what a genius he is.

It's pathetic.

Let it go.

Yeah.

Dear Katie, I loved your book.

I'm 16 and I live in a wheelchair.

What happened to you?

Are you dead?

I won't tell anyone, I promise.

Dear Katie, my father was a lawyer

and a drug addict who beat the shit out

of me and my two brothers.

When I was in the third grade he overdosed and died.

It left a hole in my heart so huge nothing can fill it.

If you were real, I know you'd understand.

Dear Katie, one night last summer my boyfriend

and I made love for three hours straight.

Tonight memories of him tear me apart.

If you're really flesh and blood,

thank you so much for listening to me.

Is this some sort of joke?

Your mom said that you disappeared.

My mom didn't write that, I did,

and I never disappeared.

I just wanted to end my blog forever,

cancel my reality show, so I pretended to be my mom.

But if you're a real person

why is your book sold as fiction?

And why is there a man's name on the cover?

Same reason I made up

the name Katie Kampenfelt; to be anonymous.

I think private lives should stay private.

I'm a big fan of boundaries.

Do you write back to every reader

who contacts you?

Actually, you're the first.

It's obvious you're smart, cool, and need a friend.

So do I.

And according to your Facebook we live only 87 miles apart,

which is wonderful.

But if you never write back

why even bother having a contact button?

Because I love being loved.

What's better than fan mail?

You wouldn't believe how much I get.

Elle, my publisher forwarded me your letter.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this,

but I have nothing to do with KatieKampenfelt.com.

I have no idea who created this site

or who's emailing you, but it's not Katie,

because she doesn't exist.

She's just a character I invented.

She is not and never was real.

Be well.

So, what should I do about fake Katie?

Nothing.

I'll do it.

Hey, creep.

The author says you're a liar.

Katie's make believe.

Write to me again, I'm calling my uncle at the FBI.

You're welcome.

Okay, butt head, here's the story.

I met the author at a book signing,

he clearly wanted to bone me,

so I sent him the link to my blog archive.

He loved it, he thought the way I ended it

using my mom's voice to say I disappeared was genius.

He offered to help me re-write it and get

it published as a novel.

I told him no way, but if he wanted to do it

we could split the money.

Only he'd have to promise never to tell anyone I was real.

And that's why he lied to you.

You see?

What?

You actually don't believe me?

You really think I made it all up?

Dude, why would I even do that?

Men do all kinds of sick shit for no reason.

Either you're a Christian or you're not.

Clearly she's not, otherwise she wouldn't

have married a Jew.

At least not that one.

Do you know he didn't even give little Olivia

a choice about the bar mitzvah?

Can you imagine?

Bat, not bar.

I don't care if he did adopt her,

it doesn't give him the right to impose his faith

on a defenseless child.

It's...

Where do you think you're going?

Plate, sink.

My best friend Natasha thinks

you're dangerous, but I'm not sure what

I'm supposed to be afraid of.

You can't get any money out of me,

because I don't have any.

You can't hurt me worse than I hurt myself.

The first time you wrote you said that you were listening.

It's what I need more than anything right now.

Can I tell you my story?

Please.

Are you judgmental?

Yeah, right.

My story is about the infinite stupidity of love.

You can relate, of course.

You swear you won't tell anyone?

On my vaginal health.

I'll write it out in big chunks.

Where do I begin?

My mom made me audition for the cheerleading squad

even though cheering represents pretty much

everything I hate about America.

L-E-T-S-G-O, let's go, let's go.

L-E-T-S-G-O, let's go, let's go.

L-E-T-S-G-O, let's go, let's go.

Go, Bulls!

Thank you for your time.

Dude, I would cum on her face with the force

of a thousand suns.

That little brown one was pretty hot, too.

Yeah.

But what if you knocked her up?

Consider the genetic consequences.

Ooh, you make an excellent point, sir.

Wait, who was the one from the Special Olympics?

- Elle something. - Right.

Cute face, but, curses on them tiny titties.

I knew they were idiots.

Didn't matter.

Did you swallow these?

Thank God it's coming up.

You have been given every advantage.

Why should I pay for college?

What you need is missionary work.

A few weeks at our camp in Ghana would wake you up pretty fast.

They live on a dollar a day!

Come on.

Mommy.

That's enough for today.

Sweet dreams, beautiful girl.

Don't call me that.

Why not?

You seriously think I'm a dude?

Fap, fap, fap, fap.

I'm sorry.

Don't be mad, it's just so ridiculous.

Want me to send you a pic?

You look just like I thought you would.

Dear Katie, as soon as I started

to love you toward the end I knew you'd be destroyed.

Pretty much everyone I've ever loved has died on me.

Why is God so cruel?

I hated college.

After freshman year I begged my mom

to let me transfer to art school.

Instead, she pulled strings to get me into

a Christian sorority, also known as hell on earth.

Excuse me.

I seem to have lost my virginity, can I have yours?

Offensive lineman?

Why do you say that?

Because that was an offense line, man.

- Yo, my name's- - Hold on, hold on,

let me guess.

Kyle.

Not even close.

Biff?

Nope, it's-

- Okay, hold on.

Chip.

Chad.

Oh, I'm getting warmer.

Um, oh, I know.

You're a Tad.

How did you do that?

It's magic and you're a tad annoying.

- Not so fast. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, too rough.

They say you know everything

about a person the minute you meet them.

I sure did.

Look, you don't know how to kiss.

There is one right way and a million wrong ways.

But don't worry, 'cause I can teach you.

And for years bitches be like damn, boy,

where you learn to kiss like that?

I have a better idea.

Shut the fuck up.

It went on for months.

I saw the way you looked at him.

He always cried afterwards.

Apologized, said it would never happen again.

Pretty nasty.

Yeah, he is.

Your boyfriend did this?

Indirectly.

And this?

This?

Directly.

Isn't it time to move on?

I guess it just depends.

On what?

On whether or not I deserve better.

What will it take to convince you?

Um, I don't know, maybe death?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Will he let you go?

Not without a fight.

Let's avoid that, okay?

How?

We live together.

Do you have someone who can help you move out?

Maybe someone from your sorority.

No.

Parent?

Mom, I...

Yeah.

Look, see I...

I'm thinking about hurting myself again.

I dream...

Can I please just come home?

Um, Patrick?

If I did quit school, could I...

Could I maybe stay with you and Marcy?

You know, just like until I get like an apartment

or, you know, like a job.

I mean, I could babysit for you.

I was thinking that maybe I could move out there

and like stay with you for a bit.

I won't be in your way at all, I...

And once I get a job I can...

I hardly knew my oldest brother Connor.

He left for college right after my father died.

Then he went to law school and only came home for Christmas.

By the time I was in high school he never came home at all.

I never knew why.

Oh, Ellie belly.

You need so much love.

I do.

Hey, meet the in-house expert, huh?

This is my fiance, Joseph.

Delighted.

You really had no clue?

Hello?

Are you there?

Paging Elle Overton.

Please don't disappear again.

I'm begging you.

♪ Struggling to feel something ♪

♪ Other than this pain ♪

♪ Don't know why I can't clear my mind ♪

Sweetheart, you're roasting.

You want a hat?

You need a hat.

Multiple choice:

you're ghosting me because, A,

telling your life story is painful.

B, Natasha found out we're pen pals and kicked your ass.

Or C, you killed yourself.

C is closest.

Writing to me doesn't

make you feel better?

Does a little.

Temporarily.

Here's the next chapter.

Enjoy!

Come, come on!

When my mom found out Connor

took me in, she called him Judas.

If she'd known he was gay, she would've hired a hitman.

I don't get Joan Crawford.

Her shoulder pads were like condor wings.

Hi.

Molly Andrews, such a pleasure to meet you, Elle.

Thank you, same here.

Did Sage offer you something to drink?

Diet soda, coffee, coconut water?

I'm fine, thanks.

Come in.

Welcome to En Garde Creative.

Thanks, I'm so grateful to be here.

- Even just- - Your brother thinks

the world of you and my boss thinks

the world of your brother, so-

- Here we are. - Yeah.

How much do you know about us?

Well, just what's on the website,

but I wanna know everything.

Well, we're small, but growing.

Our work is exclusively digital,

marketing directly via email, text,

social media, and search engines.

Right now all of our clients are domestic,

located west of the Mississippi,

but we are starting to attract some interest

in the Pacific rim as well, so who knows.

Wow, really exciting.

It is.

Now tell me about you.

Well, um, I was blown away when Connor told

me about the job because in college I majored

in marketing with a special focus on interactive media.

I actually left because I just felt like...

I felt trapped in the classroom setting, you know,

it just felt theoretical.

Like it was sort of just like I really wanted

some real world experien...

Oh, I got bit by a dog.

What kind?

A beagle.

I had one as a kid.

It got run over right in front of me,

I still haven't recovered.

Oh.

Dave Hastings.

Welcome aboard, Connor's sister.

Wait, you mean, I-

- That's right.

We're over here.

Go ahead, hop on.

Okay.

You might want to check underneath first, though.

Your predecessor stuck her chewed gum down there.

That's why I fired her.

Wait, really?

No, I dreamed her paltry.

Oh.

So, let's talk business.

What did Connor say about me?

That you are charismatic, brilliant and funny.

He didn't mention humble?

- No. - That's weird.

So, tell me more about the gum chewer.

Because you don't wanna make the same mistakes?

Yeah, I wanna make new ones.

She was just too passive.

If there's a way for the office to run more efficiently,

I wanna know about it.

If there's something in my blind spot

I need you to scream, "Watch out".

Maybe you have a concept for one of our campaigns,

it doesn't matter if it's above your pay grade,

I wanna hear it.

It'll be so much fun finding them.

Hey, look who's here.

My new assistant, Elle Overton.

My wife Carmen.

Hi, I've heard so much about you.

Same here.

So, Elle just had a great idea about

the Eye Candy account.

You know those eye test charts?

She thought it would be fun to post a chart each week,

but hidden inside the jumble of letters is a promo code.

Baby, will you tell me in the car?

We're gonna be late.

Shit, I lost track.

Can you close up?

Yeah.

Oh.

Hey, you wanna make extra money?

Uh, who doesn't?

We need a babysitter.

Oh.

You have kids, wow.

Yeah, I would love to.

I have a lot of experience.

Perfect.

I know what you're thinking,

it was just like when you were hired to be a nanny.

But there was a huge difference.

You were way hotter than the mom.

I was a boy compared to Carmen.

Perfect timing.

Three minutes after brewing the antioxidants

start to evaporate.

Is that Facebook or actual science?

It's actual Twitter.

Rough night?

Yeah, the roughest.

What happened?

Went to a cocktail party sponsored by a tequila company.

I behaved, Carmen didn't.

She, uh...

Oh, she'd kill me.

Well, I won't tell anyone.

I promise.

When I met Carmen she was just a few years

out of college, I mean, still pretty much a party girl.

She said she was sick of it,

she wanted a husband, four kids, and start her own business.

I mean, that sounded great to me.

So we got married, Esme was born,

and out of nowhere she announces

she doesn't want anymore kids.

Well, that was a surprise.

When I started En Garde I assumed she'd get involved,

help us out, but she doesn't give a shit.

I mean, she wants it to succeed, of course,

for financial reasons, but that's it.

So if she doesn't want anymore kids

and she doesn't care about the business,

then what makes her happy?

Shopping.

Oh.

A few nights a week she still goes out partying

with her old college friends.

So she's not over it.

Looks that way.

Anyway, last night she, uh...

Man, this is so inappropriate.

Oh, my favorite.

She puked up on me.

Wait, literally?

No, trust me, it was no metaphor.

How does that even happen?

I don't know, I was fast asleep.

I assumed she'd just staggered in from the loo and blah.

Oh, my God.

I woke up drenched in puke,

she was passed out on the floor.

I had to take her to the guest bedroom.

By the time I finished cleaning up

Esme was awake demanding breakfast, so...

Yeah.

Oh, you poor thing.

You know, it's nice to have someone pity me.

Other than myself, of course.

Your emails are like my favorite novel.

Oh no, you're depressed again.

Are you bleeding, too?

I am.

I wonder if our cycles are in sync.

You know, like roomies.

I loved your book until

I found out it was written by a middle-aged man.

For to your appropriate the heart, soul,

and body of a young girl is absolutely disgusting.

What do you eat when you're bleeding?

I just ate an entire bag of kettle corn.

Telling your story will save your life.

I promise.

It definitely saved mine.

I know how to wake you up.

I'll tell you something about myself you don't know.

Let me see.

Okay, how's this?

I'm married.

Seriously?

We have a baby.

I thought you got an abortion.

I did, my daughter was conceived later.

The right way.

With someone who loves me unconditionally.

I want that so badly.

You'll have it,

and you'll love your baby as much as I love Sarah.

Sarah.

That's my middle name.

Cool.

Now, please get back to your story.

Why do you even care?

We're friends.

Strangers.

We're both.

It shouldn't even be possible.

Good job.

This one or this one?

Um, it's so hard to choose.

Which one goes better with vampire red?

The black one.

You're right.

Miss Elle, you have pretty lips.

Thank you.

You, too.

So Dave says you wanna start your own business.

Definitely.

Well we could use some help over at the office.

How come you don't drop by more often?

You'll understand when you have kids.

This little bug kicks my butt all day, don't you, bonita?

Except when I'm at Rainbow.

What's that?

Her preschool.

After Rainbow Rosalinda comes over, she's my nanny.

But there are some things only a mommy can do, right baby?

Rosalinda plays hide and seek and monsters

and we build pillow forts.

Mommy takes you to movies and yummy restaurants

and buys you pretty dresses.

Mommy, can Miss Elle take a bath with me?

No, I know.

I'm not sure, as quick as I can darling, okay?

Bye.

This is my favorite.

What do you think of him?

Brilliant.

If you're ever looking for a present for Carmen.

The bikini or the girl?

The bikini.

It's right up her alley.

It is exactly why'd she wear it.

I would too if I had her body.

Her closet is like backstage at Fashion Week,

I mean, it's insane.

How do you afford it?

I don't.

I can't.

She blows through my trust like play money.

Each month we barely make it to the finish line.

I am gonna email the photographer

and see if he is available.

Can I ask you a personal question?

Why'd I marry her?

Honestly, we had fun at first.

Went to the gym together, we went hiking.

We traveled loads.

Nonstop shagging, our chemistry was incredible.

Once Esme was born all the fun stopped.

No more sex?

On the once-a-month plan now.

Such a cliche.

Even a blind man could've seen it coming.

Marry for conversation, it's the only thing that lasts.

So, Mom called.

Welcome back.

What'd she say?

I'm still disowned, still Judas, but not you.

She said that even though she'd preferred

if you went back and finished at State,

she is fine with you going to any school you want.

Even art school.

She'll pay for it, too, no questions asked.

Wait, really?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm pretty sure it's the first time

she's surrendered to anyone since she spread

her legs for our lord and savior.

What's the matter? You won.

You're supposed to be happier.

Oh, shit, you don't wanna leave.

What's his name?

You don't know him.

Besides, it doesn't matter, he's got a girlfriend.

Is he into you?

No.

I don't know, maybe.

Maybe.

Listen, any guy that you like

who's unavailable, isn't a guy.

He's a drug.

And not like a drug, an actual one.

And way back in the 80s, what did the scary skeletor lady

in the White House tell us to do when we get offered drugs?

I don't know.

Just say no.

Did anyone listen to her?

Of course not.

I should've phoned home the next day.

It was the perfect time to leave.

But you thought Dave

was your destiny, didn't you?

Molly.

Hey, you made it back.

I wouldn't miss this.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Hey.

Where's Carmen?

Already passed out.

You slip her a roofie?

Yeah, but I didn't take advantage.

I heard there was cake.

Yeah, she saved you some.

Yeah? Where?

In the kitchen.

What?

I'm just happy to see you, is all.

You drunk?

Yeah.

Are you?

Stoned?

Come on.

Dave and I continued on like everything was normal.

But then a week later we were at the office late

and he kissed me again.

This time he was sober and I didn't run away.

If I had been a cartoon,

my tongue would've popped out of his ear.

Then, finally, he pushed me away.

He said, "I'm so sorry, but I can't do this."

He was a married man.

I laughed.

Like, what, like I didn't know that?

But I thought he was joking.

And he said it like I was the one who kissed him.

It was nuts.

But I didn't freak out.

Just shrugged it off and said, "You're right, whatever".

Well, I must've been a pretty good actress

because he actually looked hurt that I wasn't that upset.

But then he started kissing me again,

but this time it was more intense.

He started grabbing my ass, my boobs outside of my shirt.

And then he got on his knees, lifted my skirt up,

pulled my underwear down and started licking me.

It was so fucking dirty.

It's the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me.

My eyes were open the whole time

and I just kept imagining somebody walking in on us.

I came so hard.

Then about 10 seconds later he said,

"Shit, I'm late to meet Carmen".

He got up, door slammed,

and he's gone.

And I...

What he did to you was rape.

Not literally, because you enjoyed it,

but emotional and psychological violence.

How did you get to be so strong?

I'm not a teenager anymore.

I understand the evil of human beings,

especially those cursed with nut sacks.

On Sunday nights, if I watch

a corny Christian movie with my mom

she lets me borrow her car.

My husband's name is Kevin.

He's tall, dark and handsome.

He used to be a Marine, now he sells medical equipment.

I stay home all day with Sarah, she's three,

beyond precious, the best thing I ever did.

How come you say you wanna meet me

but you never suggest that we like talk on the phone?

You never even ask if we can text.

That's just weird.

Kevin's a jealous freak.

If we called or texted each other,

sooner or later he'd snoop in my phone and bust me.

That's why I only get fan mail on my laptop

and I delete everything the second after I read it.

Bust you for what?

Having a friend?

Is that an actual crime?

No, but we have a deal.

No secrets.

If I told him about you I'd have to tell him how we met.

He knows nothing about my blog, my book, what a slut I was.

If he knew he would go insane.

Fine, I get it.

We'll keep things the way they are.

Where was I?

Right, you won't believe this.

But after he went down on me, he put me right back

in the friend zone like it never happened.

Being insane, I decided it was because it grossed him out.

Like there was something wrong with me.

Katie, I just finished reading.

You've probably been chopped into itty bitty pieces by now,

but it's just as possible a miracle occurred.

I'm an aquarius, we're all about miracles.

So I choose to believe you're out there

having an awesome life.

Hello?

It's just me.

I thought you weren't gonna be back until tomorrow.

I managed to escape early.

What are you still doing here?

Don't you have your own desk?

I'm just seeing beyond my job description.

Working on some ideas.

You have pluck.

Well, you noticed.

What a waste of time, the whole trip.

Who ever the Japanese were polite?

Someone who's never heard of Pearl Harbor.

Well, at least that was over pretty quick.

This was more like the Bataan Death March

with an order of cold uni.

You want a drink?

If it'll wash the taste of uni out of my mind, yeah.

Fun fact, uni isn't the actual urchin.

It's the urchin's gonads.

Make that a double.

Thank you.

So, how've you been?

Honestly?

Come here.

Tell me everything.

What did you...

It's manicure scissors.

Is that my fault?

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

I um...

Been doing it for years on and off.

It's just whenever I get overwhelmed by a situation

or I feel like-

- You wouldn't feel overwhelmed if I had

the courage to admit that I was in love with you.

Okay, three crucial questions

after a night of boneage.

How big was his dick?

Did you go down on him?

Did you cum?

Waiting for my answers.

I'm watching "True Crime" on TV.

Did you know the leading cause of homicide

in women is having a smile that lights up the room?

In men it's giving friends the shirt off your back.

It's true!

Last week a girl disappeared a few miles from here.

Stella something-Polish.

Did you read about it?

They found her body this morning floating in a reservoir.

Yuck.

Hello?

Where are you?

Are you dead?

Sorry about last night, I had a sugar crash.

How do you stay up so late and raise

a kid at the same time?

I have a nanny five mornings a week.

I'm as lazy as Carmen.

Hey, maybe I am Carmen.

Ew, creepy.

Not funny if true.

Dude, it was a joke.

I have real boobs and hate spicy food.

Now stop being such a paranoid loser

and tell me what happened.

You smell so good.

You feel so good.

Taste so good.

You're perfect, you know that?

I wanna crawl inside you and never come out.

Okay.

Here's something I don't get.

If you and Carmen fight all the time

then how does you staying married help Esme?

Wouldn't it be better to get divorced now

before you mess her up for life?

It's an excellent question.

Yes, I'm aware of that.

I wish I had an excellent answer.

You know, I'm not asking for myself, I promise.

I just want you to be happy, and Esme, too.

What about Carmen?

She can suffer.

Okay.

The real reason I don't divorce her is quite humiliating.

For who?

Whom?

For me.

If we get divorced she'll take half of everything,

which means En Garde goes under.

So you care more about your business

than your own happiness?

Honestly?

I...

I doubt I'll ever be happy.

Not in this lifetime, anyway.

I want to be secure, own a business I'm proud of.

The letter U instead Y-O-U.

No question mark.

But the weirdest thing was that Dave

would never say fucking, always making love.

Oh no, the bitch stole his phone.

100%, I knew it.

It was a trap.

Definitely.

But maybe also a gift.

An opportunity.

An open door in my jail cell.

I might never get a chance like this again

and no one could blame me for escaping.

How was I supposed to know the text wasn't from him?

I'm only happy when you're inside me.

God, how I love you, David.

Come over again tonight.

Oh, shit.

You're my hero.

Hello?

Did you just text me?

Well, I mean, I responded back to you.

Shit, what did my text say?

You don't remember?

Quick, tell me.

You said that you loved fucking me last night

and that you wanted to do it again.

I said tonight.

No, no, Carmen wrote it.

She stole my phone.

I'm trying to talk my way out of it, I'll call you later.

Don't, Dave.

What?

Listen to me, take care of your family.

Forget about me, I mean it.

I quit.

What? No.

Listen, you're not gonna...

I was so excited to move on

that it never occurred

to me that Connor would find out.

I'm sorry that I let you down.

I kinda assumed that you'd be a bit more pissed off.

Listen.

Dave gets most of the blame.

He's older, he's married.

He was your employer.

You know, if you wanna sue him my friend

would be happy to take the case.

No, no.

He's a good guy.

He's just really unhappy.

And...

It's on both of us.

I could've prevented it.

Anyway, um, I know somebody who will hire you.

The pay is really shitty, but the uniform

is really unflattering so nobody will hit on you.

Thank you.

Oh, Katie.

So much pain seeing myself in your words.

What I wouldn't give to reclaim just one

tick tock of my youth.

It's the first time you didn't

write back after one of my emails.

Did something happen?

Finally had enough of me?

Ready for a little uplift?

And as views of his miraculous power

spread across the land the people delivered

unto our lord the cripple, the blind,

those wracked by pain, tormented by seizures,

even those possessed by demons.

Sorry I disappeared.

Kevin walked up behind me while I was on my computer,

he asked who I was writing to and I had no choice.

I told him the truth.

About you, about my book.

He freaked out.

He thinks the fact that you won't meet me in person

means you're a dude who wants to rape me.

But even if he's wrong he said he still hates

your guts because I kept you a secret.

Anyway, he made me promise never to write you again.

I lied and said okay.

Like I'd ever let a man control my existence.

He should know better.

Go on with your story.

Please tell me Dave was history.

The chosen will banish the demons,

speak in new tongues, bring the word of God

to every corner of the earth.

I hoped so.

I went to work every day and every day

I missed him less and less.

Elle!

We should talk, right?

Actually, we were all pretty jazzed Carmen

finally busted him.

I thought that you all love Dave.

We do, we just hate that he sleeps with his assistants.

Hopefully that's over now.

We can all finally look Carmen in the eye.

Oh.

You thought you were like the first one?

No.

How...

How many others?

All of them, really.

Except for the one that was born male.

Dave didn't know that when he hired her.

What about the last one?

The gum chewer?

Yeah.

She got super attached.

She went psycho and moved back to Florida.

Hey, hey.

Don't freak out.

You won.

You are young and gorgeous and you have

your whole life ahead of you.

He has to go straight home to Carmen every night.

He's not allowed to travel without her,

she even picked out his new assistant.

Why doesn't she just divorce him?

Well, she probably would if she knew

the truth about you guys.

But he told Carmen you guys only slept together once.

He said he did it because he felt sorry for you.

How do you know so much?

I'm smarter than Dave, so he isn't attracted to me.

But that also means he tells me everything.

I'm sorry.

Are you? Really?

Why doesn't he just divorce her?

I mean, is he really so scared about losing

half of his money?

What do you mean?

He loses all of it.

He signed a prenup.

If they get a divorce he doesn't get a cent.

No, what about his trust?

Is that what he told you?

No, she comes from one of the richest families in El Paso.

Her dad bankrolls the company.

He even helped him get his green card.

When she met him he was literally selling used cars.

Hey.

What did Molly tell you?

Are you stalking me now?

You know, I should be angry at you for hiring me

just so you could fuck me,

but I'm so insane I'm weirdly flattered.

But what I can't forgive is what a liar you are.

Carmen isn't a gold digging whore, you are.

You make me sick.

Stop, wait, please.

Just let me say something.

Look, no matter what happened before,

it was different with us.

We had something special, Elle.

I go to sleep and I miss you,

I wake up and my life, it's empty.

I need you, Elle.

I love you.

Carmen's with her parents on Saturday night.

Have dinner with me, please.

I can't.

I have a hot date.

I had no idea that cruelty

could feel so good.

Do you have any tall, gorgeous male friends?

Sure.

Black?

Yeah, of course.

Straight?

Ah, can't help you there.

No.

So you're not racist, you're just-

- Heterophobic, yeah.

Yeah, breeders?

What about a tall gorgeous black male friend

that can pass as straight?

Oh, my God.

I love it.

Why is it no matter how liberal

a white guy is, when it comes to a black guy

boning his girl he goes full Albright?

I think it's 'cause of

the true myth about black dicks.

Maybe deep down they wanna suck one.

Don't we all.

Oh, hey, gorgeous.

Back at ya, blue eyes.

It's just on the hill, do you mind if we walk?

I prefer it.

Don't look now, but he's across

the street stalking us.

Don't worry, he's not dangerous.

I'm not worried about a thing.

You're smooth.

I minored in theater at Arizona State University.

Is he live tweeting this?

No, he's texting me.

It's working.

Mute!

By the way, adore the Miu Miu Slingbacks.

Well, thank you, Connor picked them out.

Figured.

Why, because the rest of my outfit is shit?

Oh, great.

Did locusts attack these?

This is unacceptable.

It's time for you to woman the hell up.

You're not a teenager anymore.

What do you suggest?

"La French" as the French call it,

even though we invented it.

Pale pink base, white tip.

Womanly, sophisticated, timeless.

Well, that's me.

And leave these poor cuticles alone.

If you're angry, chew out other people.

Wow.

You should be a life coach.

Connor didn't tell you?

It's what I am.

You know, if you were into vagina

this night would definitely not be over.

At least, I'd hope not.

Oh, we'd just be getting started.

Thank you.

- Goodnight. - Yeah.

While he was sending them

Carmen was probably on her way home

ready to crawl into bed with him.

Carmen, who believed he had sex

with me only once out of pity.

I didn't forward her the dirtiest ones,

just the ones where it was really obvious we were in love.

Did you write anything?

I kept it simple.

Dave just sent me these, I'm moving on.

Why can't he?

Come in.

Stay.

What's wrong?

I just spoke to Dave.

He's in jail.

What? What happened?

When you sent the photos to Carmen she kicked him out.

Told him that he'd hear from her lawyer.

And then she threatened to move away with Esme.

He can't explained what happened next.

"Something snapped", he said.

What did he do?

He beat the shit out of her.

She's in intensive care at St. Luke's.

Fractured skull, broken jaw,

one of her implants has ruptured.

Esme saw the whole thing from the landing.

Oh, my God.

Lucky for you, he's pleading guilty.

He won't contest the divorce,

he won't contest the sole custody.

That means no trial.

You won't get dragged into it.

Thank god.

But I'm finished with you.

No.

No, please.

Please, I'm sorry.

You had every right to lash out on him.

But not to his family.

Carmen did nothing to you, nothing.

Esme did nothing to you.

You're dangerous, Elle.

You're ruled by your obsessions, you have no self control.

Go home, get help,

figure your shit out.

I had no idea that Dave was capable of violence.

Like my dad.

Like my mom's godson Leon after he pinned

me down when I was seven.

Like Dad who couldn't go more than a few weeks

without hitting me.

You're breaking my heart.

I'm sorry.

Kevin's taking Sarah

to his parent's in Michigan this weekend.

Let's meet up finally.

Please.

It's time to trust again.

Let me take care of you.

Why are you always looking backwards?

You need to dwell on the future.

Pick a dream, make it come true.

I don't know, it just feels like sometimes

like no mater what I do I always end up

with a guy who hates women.

Like I can't help it, like it's my destiny or something.

You know that's bullshit.

There's good men everywhere.

Well, okay, not everywhere.

But they're around and you just don't see them.

And you won't until you get your mind right.

What, like medication?

Or yoga or therapy or church.

Or maybe you hug kids with cancer.

You just need to stop expecting a man to save you.

It's just you, Elle.

Nobody else.

Hard work, the journey inward.

You know, I'm gonna miss our run on Saturday.

I'm going out Friday night and I'm expecting

to have a massive hangover.

Is it a date?

Yeah.

I'm on my way.

I didn't tell anyone.

What about you?

Remember, exit 26B,

on the left as soon as you get off.

It's a bar that used to be a diner.

Amazing martinis.

You can't miss the neon.

Oh, I booked us rooms at the motel next door

in case we get too drunk to drive.

I know, how responsible and mature of me.

Katie?

Um, I'm sorry.

In back.

What can I get you?

One of your world famous martinis, please.

How old are you?

21.

I believe you.

The place is almost empty

except for a bored couple, fat bartender,

a tired waitress and a creepy dude who keeps on

trying to get the courage to talk to me.

Hurry up before he succeeds.

- Where are you, dude? - Thank you.

Thanks.

I'm starting to worry

that you punked out.

Or maybe before Kevin left he handcuffed

you to the stove.

Shit.

Raining, fuck.

Get here.

I'm way too drunk to drive.

Why don't I have your phone number?

Right, it's your stupid jealous husband's fault.

You know, if they really think that we're such whores

then why are they even with us?

It makes me sick that Kevin made you keep me a secret.

He's a jerk.

Yeah, I know, I'm a bitch.

What the hell happened to you?

Did you get into a car accident?

Can I help you?

Yes.

Do you have a reservation for an Elle Overton?

Um, nope.

Really? Okay.

- Wow. - Oh, oh, wait, wait.

Yeah, sorry.

E. Overton, yep.

Paid in full.

And is it just for myself?

Um, single, smoking.

I'd have to see some ID.

Right.

Oh, sorry.

There you go.

Here we go.

Checkout's at 11, room is right down there on the left.

And did she get a room for herself?

Right next door.

Is there a door between them?

Nope.

Is she in there right now?

Nope.

Thank you, thanks.

Enjoy.

I'm in the room.

It's not bad.

I can't let you pay for it, though,

especially since I'm leaving as soon as I'm okay to drive.

I'm here, bitch.

Okay.

Dear Katie, I've only left New Mexico

one time and it was for boarding school.

I've never even see the ocean.

I want an exciting life like yours.

Hi, Katie.

My name is Annie Dormer.

I feel faintly idiotic even typing your name

because you're a fictional character,

but I just wanted to say I wish you were real.

Katie, is this really the best

our society can do?

To treat females this way?

We're the world's mothers, sisters and daughters.

Annie Dormer again, I just had

the weirdest dream about you.

We were at a party, you said that you were gonna

have sex with this hot guy you just met

and did I wanna watch?

I got scared because for some reason I did.

Katie, my dad died at work.

He was basically cut in two.

I don't think I even loved him,

but just like you, his death scarred me for life.

The whole world is drowning in lies.

Our hearts are in constant pain

of a sort we can neither identify nor feel.

We're not human, just virtually human.

Your honest, brave, lively spirit is just

what the world needs right now.

What I need.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull