Original subtitles

Thanks again for having us over, guys.

Your home is beautiful! They could shoot pornos here!

They have.

This B-B-Q is the least we can do.

Your son defended Toshi's honor at school!

Oh, it was nothing.

Anyone could've helped him vandalize that lunch lady's car.

Oh! Oh, Toshi, one of these days,

you'll have to teach me Japanese.

Hideki, my man, I gotta say I'm lovin' it here!

Your house is gigantic, your pool is dangerously deep,

and I like how you're wearing dress shoes and socks

with your Speedo. Powerful look.

Gonna run to the bathroom.

So you know, this is a massive sign of respect.

I usually just go in the pool, even at home.

Especially at home. When I'm not swimming.

Where's the bathroom? They have to dump somewhere.

Unless I was supposed to go in the pool.

Hideki's got an archery range?!

HIDEKI: Stan, are you pooping or snooping?

- [gasps] - I would, too.

We have a lot of great stuff!

That's our weekend kitchen...

This room's just an insanely soft rug to stand barefoot on

while you listen to the Indigo Girls.

And Triangle Room.

But you have a triangular room.

Why didn't you put your triangles in there?

[laughing]

Oh, Stan! [laughs]

You have truly created comedy.

Thank you.

You know, a lot of people don't get my comedy.

For instance, me right now.

[patriotic music plays]

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪ - ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

[cellphone buzzes]

Damn, someone's blowing up.

Uh, think that's you, Jeff.

"Yo, doggy, wanna join me

for a one-on-one guys' weekend out in the country?

Peace, love, and titties, Klaus."

Um...

Why don't we have a house like Hideki's?!

This place sucks compared to theirs!

I think it's perfect here, Dad!

I'm just grateful for everything we have.

Then you're a fool, Steve.

I don't even wanna think about what Hideki

would say about this dump.

Well, you're gonna find out.

I invited him over for dinner this weekend.

You did what?! Hideki can't come here.

He'll think I'm a loser! Aah!

And look at this wall! This place is falling apart!

How could you do this to me?!

[sobbing]

Mother, which day are the Yoshidas coming?

You see, traditionally, I take a Sunday stroll, and I...

We all know about your precious Sunday strolls.

Don't worry. It's Saturday.

Y-e-es!

["Jungle Boogie" by Kool & The Gang plays]

♪

I'm sorry we got interrupted by...

whatever all that was.

Think over my offer, Jeff. I'll be in my alcove.

I think you know where it is.

["Jungle Boogie" by Kool & The Gang plays]

I don't know what to do, babe.

Things tend to get weird when I hang out

with Mr. Klaus unsupervised.

But it'll be really weird if you tell him you can't go.

He knows you have nothing going on.

- Everyone knows. - They do?

That's... flattering!

I'm so screwed!

Hideki's like the coolest guy I know.

I can't entertain him in this shitbox!

But this is an easy fix. Just go buy some new stuff.

With what money? I'm barely keeping my head above water.

No, dummy, not real money. Throw it on a credit card!

That's the beauty of credit. You buy now, you pay later.

Or maybe never!

I wish I could, but the credit-card companies

froze me out after I maxed out 12 cards last summer

trying to cut my teeth on the Funny Car circuit.

Oh. Well, then, yeah,

Hideki's gonna laugh at your clown ass.

Thank you! You get it. No one else does.

I got Steve down there telling me everything's "perfect"

when it clearly isn't.

- Such a dick. - Such a dick.

Easy for him to talk.

He's never had to deal with financial responsibility.

Right? He's never had to pay off three credit cards

with seven other credit cards. He's never had one.

Just letting his virgin credit sit there like a lazy bum.

And it's that dick's fault you're in this jam.

He's Toshi's friend.

You're right. Come on.

- We're going to the airport. - Airport?

Seems odd, but I'm with ya, Stan.

Think we'll see any luggage while we're there?

[airplane flies overhead]

Sorry. I got held up at security.

That was expensive tea, and I wasn't just gonna throw it away.

So, why are we here anyway?

For this.

I thought you couldn't get credit cards anymore?

I can't. Hi. I'd like to sign up for a teen credit card.

- My name is Steve Smith. - Whoa.

Hijacking your son's credit? Love it!

Hey, did you buy two boarding passes

just to come get a credit card here?

You know you can do it online, right?

You can? Oh, my God, I'm ruined!

This is working great!

Why doesn't everyone steal their son's identity?

Because Instagram makes people feel like they

have to be "good" parents.

So, what do ya think? Grab a couple lava lamps

and a fat stack of Mad magazines for the coffee table,

- call it a day? - Stan, Hideki's fancy.

You need to deck your place out classy

if you want to impress a guy like him.

Y-Yes, yes, of course. Like how?

Well, nothing screams "I'm a cool rich guy"

like art and crystals.

And, to be honest, crystals are just a good investment anyway.

They're not just beautiful.

They channel energy, have healing properties.

They're really magnificent little objects.

You clearly have a handle on this.

You stay here and buy whatever's going to impress Hideki.

I'm gonna head back and get started on the dinner menu.

I'm thinkin' we scampi everything.

Great. But before you go, watch this cool prank.

♪

- Hey! - Aah! I got caught!

I'm sorry. We got off on the wrong foot.

I'm Roger. How 'bout I buy you a fresh dog?

[tires squealing]

KLAUS: I get up to Lake Wittenberg every summer.

It's so sick. You'll see.

[tires squeal]

And this is the Pig Pen Bar & Grille.

Had some good nights at the Pen with Perry and the boys.

My local crew, we're like brothers.

Unfortunately, he's away this weekend.

But we'll still kill it. This place is quaint as hell.

This house is only 400K.

You know, Jeff, if you kicked in $399,000,

- we'd only need 1 - K from another source.

[laughter]

Uh-oh. It sounds like the Pig Pen is goin' off!

[laughter]

Sorry, private party.

Wait. Is that Perry?

Perry! Ha ha ha ha! Get your dumb ass over here!

I thought you were gone, bro? This is great news!

Yeah. Uh, this is actually my rehearsal dinner.

JEFF: Smart. I wish I had a rehearsal for this ice cream.

[laughs] He's funny.

Y-You're getting married without your boy Klaus?

We're just having a small thing.

But I'm like 3 inches in size.

It doesn't get any smaller than me!

Sorry, man.

This is outrageous. We're boys!

I should be at that wedding.

I should be giving a speech, saying things like,

"Now that you're married, your dick is in prison!"

Sorry, Mr. Klaus.

I'm sure he just completely forgot you existed.

He can't get married without me.

So I guess that means he won't be getting married.

Oh, hey, since I drove, do you mind

tossing me a few bucks for gas?

Just like $200.

♪

Think we got enough stuff?

Stan, we got everything we need.

The crystals are assaulting this place

with good energy as we speak.

Something's different.

Stan, did you get a haircut?

No, it's the decor! I love it, Dad!

Thank you, son. Someday, it may all belong to you.

That day is today.

[doorbell rings]

You've got this! And one final charge-up.

You can't be too careful these days.

Hi, guys! Come on in.

[groaning]

What is it, Hideki?

It's just, I-I-I prefer minimalism.

So all this badly hurts my eyes.

Lead me to the dining area.

Mm. So, I have a funny story.

Guess who invited Snot up to his hotel room last night?

Pete Rose! Yeah.

- So what happened was... - How's the food, Hideki?

The meat loaf is a bit... stupid.

You mean the... scampi loaf?

Is there anything better than two men

sipping brandy in the master bedroom?

Cigar?

This is the warmest room in the house.

Feel free to take your shirt off.

Thanks for coming. I hope you had a nice time, Hideki.

Stan, I had... an above-average time.

Thank you, and goodbye.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

He had an above-average time!

There used to be a fly in this wine.

[gulping]

♪

Why are we looking for Perry again?

I told you, because we're trying to find Perry

so I can give him one of these lightly poisoned IPAs...

- not enough to kill him. - [laughter]

Yeah. She's gonna make a great first wife.

[laughter]

Excuse me. We just want to warm up...

Whaaa? Is that Perry?

Oh, hey, guys.

Is this the dinner you were rehearsing for?

You're doing great!

[laughs] This guy's really funny.

Like Mad TV funny.

Hey, Perry, sorry if I made things awkward earlier.

How about a beer, as a peace offering?

Got a real fresh one here for ya! Pssh!

I'll just leave this right next to you,

and, uh... we'll see you around.

Okay, Jeff, let's get out of here!

Yes! We did it!

By the way, I know I gave you a hard time in the car,

but good call on packing your wagon.

It was definitely worth 100% of your suitcase space.

♪

He said he had "an above-average time"!

What a success.

And well done decorating the place.

I wish I could take credit,

but the crystals did the heavy lifting.

Man, you really maximized the hell out of that credit card.

Credit card? Oh, no, no.

That teen credit card barely covered the sand painting

of two Victorian chicks sixty-nining.

No, I had to take out a $50,000 loan from a loan shark

- to buy all that. - What?

Relax! We don't have to pay it back.

He made me leave my wallet as collateral,

but all that was in there was Steve's stupid credit card!

It's a common name. They'll never track it back to our Steve.

And you're certain there wasn't anything else in that wallet?

Yep! I remember moving everything out to my new Peppa Pig wallet.

Could I have missed something? Possibly.

I did it super fast while I was rushing around Six Flags.

But pretty sure I didn't.

I had meth-focus that day. [clicks tongue]

So I'm supposed to feel "pretty sure"

that a loan shark won't come hunting my son?

Nope. Can't do it. Let's call the guy.

Fine. His name's Mike Donkey.

But I'm telling you, this really isn't necessary.

-[line ringing] - Yeah.

- Hi. Mike Donkey? - Yeah.

I think someone, uh, stole my wallet and left it with you.

It had a "Steve Smith" teen credit card in it?

Yep, got it right here.

Been using it to weigh down the lid on my chameleon tank.

Good, good. So there was nothing else in there

besides the card, right?

Nope, very light wallet.

Chameleons are moving it at will.

Oh, thank God! I'll... I'll just cancel the card.

Thanks for your time!

No, thank you...

Stan Smith, is it?

On Cherry Street?

Because, until right now, I didn't have enough information

to track this kid down,

but I just ran a search on your phone number.

I'm gonna guess your wallet wasn't stolen

and you were thinking of ditching out on that loan?

But you had to double-check first

because this kid with your same last name

is someone important to you.

This guy's good!

What is he, your son?

Cousin? Non-blood nephew?

You sound like a guy with a sibling who adopts.

You know, it doesn't matter.

What does matter is, somebody's gonna pay me

that 50 grand by 6:00 P.M. tomorrow,

or I'm finding the kid and breaking his legs.

[cellphone beeps]

- [whimpers] - This is on me.

This probably wouldn't have happened if I gave you

a tiny crystal to put in your butthole before the call.

How did I get in this mess?!

All I did was whatever it took

to impress my son's friend's cool dad!

Stan, Mike Donkey knows where you live.

I think the only way out is to pay him.

But how do we get 50 grand in less than a day?!

Hey, what if we counterfeit the money?

It doesn't have to be perfect, just close enough to trick him.

Great thought, but my printer just crapped out on me.

[honking]

- I think it's out of ink. - Damn it!

We need something, or Steve's legs are toast!

We could probably get 25 grand for your SUV, right?

What if we sold it, then went to Atlantic City

and tried to double that money up at a casino?

And leave my son's very legs to chance?

Chance? Are you forgetting we have the power

of the crystals on our side, Stan?

I'm not doubting the crystals are absolute beasts,

it's just... maybe there's another way.

Sure, think on it. Take some time.

But we both know we're gonna do this,

so I'm gonna go ahead and pack.

♪

Okay. Let's split up and start chipping away at separate tables.

We're not gonna win 50 grand grinding away

at five-dollar blackjack.

We gotta go balls to the wall.

I say we go to the room and charge up with the crystals

until the last possible minute.

Then we hit the tables at max power and bet it all on red.

We'll be so juiced, it's gotta hit!

Smart.

- Can you feel 'em working? - I think so!

Do they make your lower back tighten up?

[cellphone chimes]

Oh, yeah, I forgot Jabbawockeez are performing here.

Hey, if we're just gonna be sittin' around absorbing energy,

we might as well enjoy the hotel, right?

- What about the crystals? - We'll bring 'em with us,

charge up in luxury.

We've earned it!

You're right.

We earned this.

[indistinct conversations]

♪

[cheers and applause]

I guarantee they charged up before the show.

That move's impossible without crystals.

See ya! Goin' on my Sunday stroll!

I'm gettin' tired of this Sunday Stroll shit.

Oh, my God, thank you!

["Classic" by The Knocks plays]

♪

♪ Come to me, baby, don't be shy ♪

♪ Don't be shy, don't be shy ♪

♪ Come to me, baby, don't be shy ♪

♪ It was a summer time, that summer high ♪

♪ Oh, what a masterpiece ♪

- [cellphone beeps, line rings] - Hey, boss,

we got the kid's beautiful legs in our sights.

Don't move on him yet. They have a little more time.

And I know we're working,

but you don't have to call me "boss."

You can call me "Dad," Mike Donkey Jr.

♪

[inhales sharply] Here we go.

$25,000 on red.

Or maybe black! Stan, what did you do?!

[ball clinging]

Red! I did it!

Hell yeah! The power of crystals!

- Mm. - Mm.

Stan, do we... double down?

The crystals are clearly working.

It would solve a lot of problems.

I could finally go nuts in that Men's Wearhouse.

Let's do it!

♪

I'm not even gonna watch, 'cause I know we're gonna win.

We are so charged, we could fly to the moon.

Ye-ea-eah! Yes!

- Red! - Yeah!

- Mm. - Mm. One more?

I mean, they're basically giving away money at this point.

We gotta, right?

♪

- Yeah! Yes! Yeah! - Ye-ea-eah!

I can't believe we doubled down and won five times!

Pull over. I gotta take a leak.

That's the crystals. They have no patience for toxins.

[brakes squeal]

We only have an hour to pay the loan shark.

Might have to pee from the bathroom doorway to save time.

[car door closes]

All right, let's go pay this scumbag.

Uh, Roger, does it feel like

the car's riding a little lower to you?

No, it's... always been this way.

It's not my fault, Stan! Look how huge it is!

I was powerless to its lavender pull!

Roger, how much of our winnings did you spend?

Just... all of them?

My boy's gonna get his legs mangled!

I, for one, think Steve's legs are a small price to pay

for the wonderful weekend we've shared together!

♪

Any minute now, the wedding planner is gonna run by,

yelling that the groom's sick and the wedding's off.

Ooh! It's gonna be so sweet!

I'm sitting extra still, because if I do, I get s'mores later!

- [footsteps approaching] - Here we go!

My best man is violently ill!

No, he's not. Y-You are.

I don't know what happened. He only had one IPA last night.

[breathes deeply] But the show must go on.

It feels meant to be that I bumped into you, Klaus.

Would you...

let me borrow Jeff to be my new best man?

I just love him. He's so funny.

And now that Perry is married, his dick is in prison!

[laughter]

That was my joke!

I'll give him credit, it took balls

making it his entire speech, but still.

He's gettin' a poisoned IPA!

Oh, no. Are you kidding me?!

These poisoned beers have been nothing... but... trouble.

I'm gonna call Mike Donkey and try to get an extension.

- [Crying] - [Gasps]

Extension denied.

Mr. Donkey, please! Let my boy go!

Break my legs instead!

No, the kid's legs were the deal.

And, unlike you, I honor my deals.

Wait! What if I told you this giant crystal

is powerful enough to win any bet we want?

I propose we all go to Atlantic City,

and we'll win what we owe you, times 10.

Guaranteed.

[all whispering]

We're just gonna break the legs.

[muffled screaming]

Come on, guys.

- You can't really... - Ohh!

Ohh! [crying] Ohh!

Hmm.

Yeah, I've never had to go this route before.

The deal was pay or get his legs broken.

So, yeah, I guess we're all square.

Pleasure doing business with you.

[Steve crying]

What could have possibly led to this?!

[sobs]

It's all my fault!

If I wasn't so desperate to impress someone richer than me,

this never would've snowballed out of control!

Everything's gonna be fine.

No, it's not! My boy is broken!

This baby's powerful enough to heal a hundred legs

in mere minutes.

[screaming]

Shh, let the crystal do its job.

It's woooooorrrrrkkinnnngg.

Your eight brutal weeks of physical therapy

is woooooorrrrrkkinnnngg.

I'm doing it! Come on! Stroll with me!

["Classic" by The Knocks playing]

♪

Aah!

Steve, you're doing it!

Bye! Have a great time!

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