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1
00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:05,744
.
2
00:00:05,788 --> 00:00:07,746
Yes!
3
00:00:07,790 --> 00:00:09,922
Yes!
4
00:00:09,966 --> 00:00:11,054
Death.
5
00:00:12,447 --> 00:00:14,101
What?
I-I told you
6
00:00:14,144 --> 00:00:15,493
today was a day
for quiet reflection.
7
00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:17,321
- Can we at least do
a Miles Mission?
8
00:00:17,365 --> 00:00:18,844
- Not needed today.
9
00:00:18,888 --> 00:00:20,411
I'm writing a book
that's going to crush him,
10
00:00:20,455 --> 00:00:22,239
so everyone stop talking.
11
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Just go to sleep.
Does anyone know any lullabies?
12
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:27,201
- ♪ The sun is yawning
13
00:00:27,244 --> 00:00:29,942
♪ It's sleepy-time
14
00:00:29,986 --> 00:00:32,249
♪ Dreams are spawning
15
00:00:32,293 --> 00:00:34,121
♪ Clouds decline
16
00:00:34,164 --> 00:00:35,426
- O-okay. Interesting.
17
00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:37,689
Is that an original?
Yeah?
18
00:00:37,733 --> 00:00:39,735
All right, well, I have
a lot of follow-up questions,
19
00:00:39,778 --> 00:00:41,998
but I will not get sucked into
any of this today.
20
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:51,312
♪
21
00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:53,575
- ♪ In the sleepy west
22
00:00:53,618 --> 00:00:55,968
♪ Of the woody east
23
00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:58,101
♪ Is a valley full
24
00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:00,364
♪ Full o' pioneer
25
00:01:00,408 --> 00:01:02,801
♪ We're not just kids
26
00:01:02,845 --> 00:01:04,803
♪ To say the least
27
00:01:04,847 --> 00:01:07,110
♪ We got ideas
28
00:01:07,154 --> 00:01:09,286
♪ To us that's dear
29
00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:11,462
♪ Like capitalist
30
00:01:11,506 --> 00:01:12,898
♪ Like communist
31
00:01:13,943 --> 00:01:14,900
Ah!
32
00:01:14,944 --> 00:01:15,988
Stupid water heater!
33
00:01:16,032 --> 00:01:18,295
- ♪ You've heard about
34
00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:20,471
♪ And redneckers
35
00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:23,387
♪ They get us pissed
36
00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:30,133
Jack, my friend,
you just wrote your way
37
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:32,614
out of this dried-up turd
of a town.
38
00:01:32,657 --> 00:01:35,791
- Did you just call Toledo
a dried
39
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:38,141
- I did.
I did, and it is.
40
00:01:38,185 --> 00:01:39,751
And thanks to this book
I finished,
41
00:01:39,795 --> 00:01:43,103
I will not be here much longer,
hence the champagne.
42
00:01:43,146 --> 00:01:45,017
It's a beautiful day outside.
43
00:01:45,061 --> 00:01:46,715
Why don't we call it early?
44
00:01:46,758 --> 00:01:48,238
Cheers, guys!
45
00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:52,155
- We've got some time.
46
00:01:52,199 --> 00:01:53,722
How about
the rest of that lullaby?
47
00:01:53,765 --> 00:01:55,332
- Sure!
48
00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:57,813
♪ The sun is yawning
49
00:01:57,856 --> 00:01:59,641
[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]
50
00:01:59,684 --> 00:02:01,599
♪ It's sleepy-time
- One, two, three, four!
51
00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:03,514
- ♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪
52
00:02:03,558 --> 00:02:06,648
♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪
53
00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:13,742
♪
54
00:02:27,103 --> 00:02:28,757
- Hey! Jack-O!
55
00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,193
I got your text.
56
00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:31,673
What's the big news?
57
00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:33,675
- Well, I just finished
writing a new book,
58
00:02:33,718 --> 00:02:36,156
and I'm gonna expose you
for the fraud you are.
59
00:02:36,199 --> 00:02:37,896
- Yeah, it's my friend Jack.
60
00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:39,071
He wrote a book!
61
00:02:39,115 --> 00:02:40,812
- Jack!
- Way to go!
62
00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:42,466
- Uh, no, more of a--
63
00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:44,555
it's like a chill sesh,
really.
64
00:02:44,599 --> 00:02:48,385
Um, that's David Eggleston,
my, uh, publisher.
65
00:02:48,429 --> 00:02:51,040
Steve Jones...
from the Sex Pistols!
66
00:02:51,083 --> 00:02:53,216
And, uh, Bill Nye!
67
00:02:54,739 --> 00:02:56,915
- We're all in the same
meditation class.
68
00:02:56,959 --> 00:02:59,091
Oh, and this is Fiona.
69
00:02:59,135 --> 00:03:00,397
Uh, she's a model.
70
00:03:00,441 --> 00:03:02,356
At Warby Parker!
71
00:03:02,399 --> 00:03:03,922
Clever as well.
72
00:03:03,966 --> 00:03:05,010
Where are you?
73
00:03:05,054 --> 00:03:06,577
- Oh, I'm, um...
74
00:03:06,621 --> 00:03:08,405
I'm actually also--
I'm at my
75
00:03:08,449 --> 00:03:10,277
lady friend's apartment.
76
00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:14,324
- All this old lady stuff is--
she's being ironic.
77
00:03:14,368 --> 00:03:15,847
You know.
78
00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:18,372
- Oh!
Flav's here with the nachos!
79
00:03:18,415 --> 00:03:21,244
- Wait, Flavor Flav was in
your meditation class?
80
00:03:21,288 --> 00:03:23,246
- No. I'm just a fan of Miles.
81
00:03:23,290 --> 00:03:25,030
His book changed my life.
82
00:03:25,074 --> 00:03:26,597
Philosophy, boy-ee!
83
00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:29,905
- Ah! So, what's
your book about... boy
84
00:03:29,948 --> 00:03:31,428
- Well, I can tell you
what it isn't.
85
00:03:31,472 --> 00:03:32,908
It's not
some upbeat pop philosophy
86
00:03:32,951 --> 00:03:34,910
with a dumb title
like "A Hundred Smiles
87
00:03:34,953 --> 00:03:36,738
in Your Pocket" or some...
88
00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:38,696
- Yeah, no, my book
is the real deal.
89
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:40,742
It's called "The End:
A Philosophy of Death."
90
00:03:40,785 --> 00:03:43,440
It's tough stuff, but I think
it's really gonna resonate.
91
00:03:43,484 --> 00:03:46,138
- Hey! Eggleston's one of
the top boys as Colfax.
92
00:03:46,182 --> 00:03:47,618
Have you sent them a copy?
93
00:03:47,662 --> 00:03:49,272
- Yes, Miles,
I didn't forget to send
94
00:03:49,316 --> 00:03:50,621
my book out
to one of the biggest
95
00:03:50,665 --> 00:03:52,275
publishing houses
in the country.
96
00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:53,755
- Great, then I shall put in
a good word.
97
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:56,497
Not to brag, but they're
kind of obsessed with me.
98
00:03:56,540 --> 00:03:58,238
- He's the best!
- Oh, shut up.
99
00:03:58,281 --> 00:03:59,456
Oh, it--
ah, he--
100
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:00,936
listen, we gotta go, Jack, uh,
101
00:04:00,979 --> 00:04:02,981
because David Blaine's
about to levitate
102
00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:04,244
on the driveway.
103
00:04:04,287 --> 00:04:05,897
See ya!
104
00:04:05,941 --> 00:04:08,291
- Why is Miles getting to
hang out with a Sex Pistol?
105
00:04:08,335 --> 00:04:10,032
I should be hanging out
with a Sex Pistol.
106
00:04:11,381 --> 00:04:14,471
- You gotta get the...
- I know...
107
00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:17,518
- Oh, look at you two
sharing another Cobb salad.
108
00:04:17,561 --> 00:04:19,302
You know what I say.
109
00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:21,217
Share everything
except negativity.
110
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,914
both: Mm-hmm.
- And napkins.
111
00:04:22,958 --> 00:04:24,786
- Yeah, we're with you.
- Oh, crap!
112
00:04:24,829 --> 00:04:27,310
Superintendent's been on hold
for 42 minutes.
113
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:28,920
- Wow.
- Good job, Helen.
114
00:04:28,964 --> 00:04:31,662
- Okay, guys, uh,
we need to update
115
00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:33,969
everyone's
emergency contact info.
116
00:04:34,012 --> 00:04:37,277
As you know, last week,
Mrs. Kenwood had a fall.
117
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,279
We called
her emergency contact.
118
00:04:39,322 --> 00:04:42,194
Turns out
it was her ex-boyfriend
119
00:04:42,238 --> 00:04:43,500
and current stalker.
120
00:04:43,544 --> 00:04:45,110
Long story short,
he already knew.
121
00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:46,416
Not a good guy.
Okay.
122
00:04:46,460 --> 00:04:47,983
So let's get started.
123
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:51,334
Michelle has put down
her husband, Keith.
124
00:04:51,378 --> 00:04:53,162
- Dreamboat alert!
125
00:04:53,205 --> 00:04:54,685
- Michelle, please, we need to
get through this quickly.
126
00:04:54,729 --> 00:04:56,208
Stef has put down Mary.
127
00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:57,558
- Cobb club!
128
00:04:57,601 --> 00:04:59,211
- Okay, can we just--
thank you.
129
00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:02,345
Mary has put down Michelle,
and Cathy has put down Ben--
130
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:04,782
- Wait.
What did you just say?
131
00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:07,698
Mary, what is the deal, girl?
132
00:05:07,742 --> 00:05:09,439
We were sitting next
to each other
133
00:05:09,483 --> 00:05:11,006
when we filled these out.
134
00:05:11,049 --> 00:05:13,617
I put you down,
and I told you to put me down.
135
00:05:13,661 --> 00:05:16,620
- Right, you definitely told me
to put you down,
136
00:05:16,664 --> 00:05:18,361
but I'm a grown-ass woman,
so I decided
137
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,841
to put Michelle down.
138
00:05:19,884 --> 00:05:21,930
Don't have a Stef freak-out
and start yelling.
139
00:05:21,973 --> 00:05:23,192
- I am not yelling!
140
00:05:23,235 --> 00:05:24,367
Ralph, am I yelling?
141
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:25,542
- Ralph,
would you call this yelling?
142
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,196
- Would you consider this
a yell?
143
00:05:27,239 --> 00:05:29,154
'Cause I think this is
a very low-decibel "Ralph"!
144
00:05:29,198 --> 00:05:31,679
- Ralph, when someone yells--
- I don't even yell, Ralph!
145
00:05:31,722 --> 00:05:33,202
I have a change of voice,
Ralph!
146
00:05:33,245 --> 00:05:35,160
- Hey! Oh, I can't do this.
Walk away, Ralph.
147
00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:38,729
You can share your lunch
with someone else.
148
00:05:38,773 --> 00:05:41,210
And give me my damn tomato.
149
00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:42,864
This is mine.
150
00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:47,303
- You can have
half my beefy broccoli.
151
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,566
It really needs
to be eaten today.
152
00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:52,047
It's right on the edge.
153
00:05:57,400 --> 00:05:59,359
- All right, well,
you didn't get it.
154
00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:01,491
♪
155
00:06:01,535 --> 00:06:03,537
Oh, come on.
156
00:06:03,580 --> 00:06:07,062
♪
157
00:06:07,105 --> 00:06:08,629
Even the Germans?
158
00:06:10,805 --> 00:06:12,763
Tell you guys, man,
the whole publishing world now
159
00:06:12,807 --> 00:06:14,591
is filled with a bunch
of corporate frat guys
160
00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:16,593
just so busy
high-fiving themselves
161
00:06:16,637 --> 00:06:19,901
and quoting "Scarface"
to appreciate real genius.
162
00:06:19,944 --> 00:06:22,251
I'm gonna be stuck in this
dead-end hell town forever.
163
00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:24,601
- Yesterday you called it
a dried-up turd town.
164
00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:27,038
- Sounds like you're warming up
to Toledo.
165
00:06:28,562 --> 00:06:29,911
- Uh, quick, everybody,
uh, pretend
166
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:32,000
you're at a fancy
cocktail party.
167
00:06:32,043 --> 00:06:33,871
- This is a wonderful
fancy cocktail.
168
00:06:33,915 --> 00:06:37,527
- Free shrimp, I can just...
eat as much shrimp as I want?
169
00:06:37,571 --> 00:06:39,311
All of it?
- Alcohol.
170
00:06:39,355 --> 00:06:40,704
Because we're grown-ups.
171
00:06:40,748 --> 00:06:43,490
- Stop! Okay. All right.
That's enough. Plan B.
172
00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:44,795
Just cover your mouths
and shut up.
173
00:06:44,839 --> 00:06:46,623
Don't say anything.
Hello! Miles!
174
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:48,059
- Hey! Jack-O.
175
00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:49,321
Brilliant news.
176
00:06:49,365 --> 00:06:50,584
My publishers want to work
with you.
177
00:06:50,627 --> 00:06:52,499
- Your publishers want
to work with me?
178
00:06:52,542 --> 00:06:54,065
Great, well, tell 'em
they better hurry up
179
00:06:54,109 --> 00:06:55,806
'cause I'm about to close
a number of deals
180
00:06:55,850 --> 00:06:57,460
on "A Philosophy of Death."
181
00:06:57,504 --> 00:06:58,635
You know, big deals.
182
00:06:58,679 --> 00:07:00,463
A big number of-of big deals.
183
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:02,813
- No, uh, not a problem,
'cause the guys at Colfax
184
00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,641
didn't actually want that book.
185
00:07:04,685 --> 00:07:06,730
They felt it was a little dark.
186
00:07:06,774 --> 00:07:08,471
But they loved
your other idea.
187
00:07:09,951 --> 00:07:11,474
- "A Hundred Smiles
in Your Pocket."
188
00:07:11,518 --> 00:07:14,172
- I was being sarcastic.
189
00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:15,652
Well, they love it.
190
00:07:15,696 --> 00:07:18,133
A hundred
fun, easily digestible
191
00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:20,178
philosophy nuggets
that help you smile!
192
00:07:20,222 --> 00:07:21,484
- I've got the lemons!
193
00:07:21,528 --> 00:07:23,355
- Steve, mate,
I'm on the blower here, bro.
194
00:07:23,399 --> 00:07:26,010
S-sorry, Jack,
it's Steve Jones.
195
00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:27,969
- Steve Jones
from the Sex Pistols?
196
00:07:28,012 --> 00:07:30,275
Are you kidding me, Miles,
what is happening over there?
197
00:07:31,407 --> 00:07:33,409
Weirdest week ever.
198
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,497
- Yeah, all right,
well, you know,
199
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:35,542
look, I'm not a sellout,
200
00:07:35,585 --> 00:07:36,630
so why don't you go ahead
201
00:07:36,673 --> 00:07:37,848
and find some other clown
202
00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:39,502
to fill your pants with smiles?
203
00:07:39,546 --> 00:07:40,982
- Ah, mm, that's a shame,
'cause, I mean,
204
00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:44,159
it would mean
a $40,000 advance.
205
00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:47,379
- Uh, 40--
well, yeah, I'm gonna do it!
206
00:07:47,423 --> 00:07:49,512
I mean, of course I'm gonna--
207
00:07:49,556 --> 00:07:50,861
what was the idea,
though, again?
208
00:07:50,905 --> 00:07:52,515
"A Mile of Smiles
in Your Bonnet"?
209
00:07:52,559 --> 00:07:53,908
I'll write it down this time.
210
00:07:58,434 --> 00:07:58,608
.
211
00:07:59,914 --> 00:08:01,393
Oh, magnificent.
212
00:08:01,437 --> 00:08:02,873
- Your new water heater's
ready to go.
213
00:08:02,917 --> 00:08:05,528
- Great!
Thank you, Jiffy.
214
00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:07,051
- That's the name
of the company.
215
00:08:07,095 --> 00:08:09,053
My name's Don.
216
00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:11,055
Well, how was I
supposed to know that?
217
00:08:11,099 --> 00:08:12,230
All right, well,
I don't have time
218
00:08:12,274 --> 00:08:13,536
to read your whole shirt, pal.
219
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:16,060
All right, thanks.
Take care.
220
00:08:16,104 --> 00:08:17,540
- All right, you're all set.
221
00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:18,976
Time for you to get to know
your remote.
222
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:20,412
- I-I think I got it, man.
223
00:08:20,456 --> 00:08:22,240
Um, and do me a favor,
leave the box.
224
00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:24,068
I think I'm gonna be moving
to New York City soon.
225
00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:25,330
Yeah, oh, and, uh,
why don't you get
226
00:08:25,374 --> 00:08:26,593
something nice for your wife?
227
00:08:26,636 --> 00:08:27,898
- Ooh. Thank you.
228
00:08:27,942 --> 00:08:29,596
But I do not have a wife.
229
00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:30,901
I want a wife so much.
230
00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:32,468
- Okay. All right.
Off you go.
231
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:33,687
Thank you.
232
00:08:35,166 --> 00:08:37,429
[cell phone chiming
and buzzing]
233
00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:44,045
Hey! Miles.
234
00:08:44,088 --> 00:08:46,482
- Howdy-hi, Jack-O!
How's the book coming along?
235
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,266
- It's going great--
hey, speaking of, uh,
236
00:08:48,310 --> 00:08:51,400
when can I expect that, uh,
money to hit my account?
237
00:08:51,443 --> 00:08:53,097
- Listen, that's why
I'm calling you.
238
00:08:53,141 --> 00:08:54,882
You need to fly out to New York
on Friday
239
00:08:54,925 --> 00:08:56,884
and just do
a little dog and pony show
240
00:08:56,927 --> 00:08:58,581
for the guys at Colfax.
241
00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:00,278
- So, what, I gotta bro out
with a bunch of middle-aged
242
00:09:00,322 --> 00:09:02,367
frat guys who know nothing
about good writing?
243
00:09:02,411 --> 00:09:04,935
- No, you just gotta present
some "smiles."
244
00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:06,937
- Sure, man.
Uh, yeah, whatever.
245
00:09:06,981 --> 00:09:08,852
- Well, then, I shall tell them
full steam ahead.
246
00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:11,115
Listen, I've gotta go--
me and David Blaine
247
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:12,290
are getting our teeth whitened.
248
00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:13,944
More.
249
00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:15,119
Mental. Ciao for now.
250
00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:16,120
- Aw!
251
00:09:16,164 --> 00:09:17,469
Why does he get to...
252
00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:22,649
Excuse me.
253
00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:24,302
- Hey, Jack!
254
00:09:24,346 --> 00:09:26,304
Have you ever seen a turtle
255
00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:29,133
with a kitten
riding on its back?
256
00:09:29,177 --> 00:09:30,744
- Uh, no.
257
00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:33,094
- Well, you got somethin'
to look forward to, hon.
258
00:09:33,137 --> 00:09:34,791
- You know,
this incessant happy talk
259
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:35,879
is a form of harassment.
260
00:09:35,923 --> 00:09:37,141
- Aww.
261
00:09:37,185 --> 00:09:38,882
What you got there?
262
00:09:38,926 --> 00:09:41,493
- It's an Italian espresso
maker for the faculty lounge.
263
00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:43,713
- Fancy.
Does it make cocoa?
264
00:09:43,757 --> 00:09:45,541
Because I'm a strict
cocoa-tarian.
265
00:09:47,238 --> 00:09:48,762
- You know, I mean this
in the nicest possible way,
266
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:53,331
but you might be
the worst person I've ever met.
267
00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:56,073
- I'm gonna squeeze the candy
out of ya!
268
00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:58,815
- See, I really don't like
blue cheese.
269
00:09:58,859 --> 00:10:00,425
- Oh, just...
270
00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:03,820
Just laugh real hard
at whatever I say.
271
00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:04,908
Just... yes?
272
00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:06,344
- Oh-ho-ho!
273
00:10:08,695 --> 00:10:11,001
- Hoo!
- Oh-ho!
274
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,178
- Quick, tell me
the funniest thing
275
00:10:14,222 --> 00:10:15,789
you've ever heard
in your entire life.
276
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,921
- Um... oh, well,
Keith made me the cutest lunch.
277
00:10:17,965 --> 00:10:21,359
Yes!
278
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:23,840
- Ha-ha! You...
279
00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:34,024
- You're just staring.
You're not doing anything.
280
00:10:34,068 --> 00:10:35,330
- Actually...
281
00:10:36,592 --> 00:10:38,072
You know what I want to know
from you guys?
282
00:10:38,115 --> 00:10:39,682
Tell me, what makes you smile?
283
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:42,380
- This feels like a trap.
- No, no, it's not a trap.
284
00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:43,381
Come on, guys.
Extra credit.
285
00:10:43,425 --> 00:10:44,992
Wh
286
00:10:45,035 --> 00:10:46,210
- Getting my biology book back.
287
00:10:46,254 --> 00:10:47,690
- Mutant strains.
288
00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:49,692
- My iPhone.
- "Star Wars" LEGOs.
289
00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:50,519
- Dinner with my dad
290
00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:52,434
every third Wednesday.
291
00:10:52,477 --> 00:10:54,392
- I got one--
so an African-American,
292
00:10:54,436 --> 00:10:56,612
a Mexican-American,
and a honky walk into a bar--
293
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,918
- No. No. Uh-uh.
294
00:10:57,961 --> 00:10:59,571
No, we're not gonna--
we're not gonna do that.
295
00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:01,312
That's-that's not
what I'm talking about.
296
00:11:01,356 --> 00:11:02,836
Think more, like,
warm and fuzzy, you know?
297
00:11:02,879 --> 00:11:04,881
And-and don't be afraid
to share somethin'
298
00:11:04,925 --> 00:11:06,535
that just makes you feel good.
299
00:11:06,578 --> 00:11:09,407
- It feels really good
to pee in the shower.
300
00:11:09,451 --> 00:11:10,800
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. I know.
301
00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:12,584
But that's-that's not
what I mean.
302
00:11:12,628 --> 00:11:14,195
- Sorry to interrupt
303
00:11:14,238 --> 00:11:16,023
all the learnin',
but I got a little bad news.
304
00:11:16,066 --> 00:11:18,590
The wasps have overtaken
the band room again,
305
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:20,288
so practice is canceled.
306
00:11:20,331 --> 00:11:21,898
Don't be sad, though,
307
00:11:21,942 --> 00:11:24,422
because every frown
is just a smile
308
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:26,250
you're lookin' at
the wrong way!
309
00:11:27,469 --> 00:11:29,601
- Oh, Helen,
you beautiful idiot.
310
00:11:33,954 --> 00:11:40,090
♪
311
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:41,788
Hey!
312
00:11:41,831 --> 00:11:42,963
- Good morning!
313
00:11:43,006 --> 00:11:45,269
- There she is.
Uh, Helen, would you like
314
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:46,967
to come to dinner tonight
at my place?
315
00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:49,752
- I knew I shouldn't have worn
this low-cut blouse.
316
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:52,799
Jack, I am sorry,
but you're just not my type.
317
00:11:52,842 --> 00:11:53,930
- No! No, it's not that.
318
00:11:53,974 --> 00:11:55,105
I just thought it might be nice
319
00:11:55,149 --> 00:11:56,672
for us to get to know
each other.
320
00:11:58,326 --> 00:12:00,763
Well, I would love that!
321
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:03,200
Looks like somebody got bit
by the sweetie bug!
322
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:04,462
- Right on my li'l bum-bum.
323
00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:05,942
- Oh!
324
00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:07,944
- Your bum-bum!
325
00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:10,294
Oh, that's so cute!
326
00:12:10,338 --> 00:12:12,557
I have not heard "bum-bum."
327
00:12:12,601 --> 00:12:13,994
I am gonna have a nip slip
on this.
328
00:12:17,649 --> 00:12:17,998
.
329
00:12:18,041 --> 00:12:19,521
- Jack.
330
00:12:19,564 --> 00:12:21,175
That was the most
sumptuous plate of food
331
00:12:21,218 --> 00:12:22,785
I have ever had
in my whole life.
332
00:12:22,829 --> 00:12:24,656
- Yeah.
Spaghetti's good.
333
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:26,484
Uh, but listen, there is...
334
00:12:26,528 --> 00:12:28,791
another reason
why I brought you here tonight.
335
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,445
- Damn this blouse!
336
00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:32,360
- No, Helen, it's not the--
it's never gonna be the blouse,
337
00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:34,188
all right, I just,
I'm working on a book
338
00:12:34,231 --> 00:12:37,017
to help people smile,
and I thought,
339
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:40,542
well, who makes me smile
more than anyone?
340
00:12:40,585 --> 00:12:42,413
- Yeah.
341
00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:44,024
Ha-ha.
Helen does.
342
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:46,200
So, um, I need your help.
343
00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:49,029
- Oh, I'd be so honored
to help you with your book.
344
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:50,508
You know what I always say.
345
00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:53,163
Always go for a second helping
of helping!
346
00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:55,035
- Okay, yes!
That's the stuff I need.
347
00:12:55,078 --> 00:12:56,427
Yeah, I-I need--
I need more of those.
348
00:12:56,471 --> 00:12:57,907
You got a bunch of those?
349
00:12:57,951 --> 00:12:59,735
- Well, how about
we get together tomorrow,
350
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,302
maybe lunchtime,
351
00:13:01,345 --> 00:13:02,738
and I can give you
a whole bunch of 'em--
352
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,522
- No, no, no.
No, uh, now.
353
00:13:04,566 --> 00:13:05,741
I need 'em now.
354
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,482
- Oh, Jack, I-I'm tuckered out.
355
00:13:07,525 --> 00:13:09,092
It's almost 8:30.
356
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:10,441
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no, just--
357
00:13:10,485 --> 00:13:12,356
I just need--
I need 75 more of these,
358
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,054
and then we're good--
come on, we can do it.
359
00:13:14,097 --> 00:13:16,839
Look, I'll, uh,
I'll make us some coffee.
360
00:13:16,883 --> 00:13:20,582
- Oh, I-I really shouldn't.
- Helen.
361
00:13:20,625 --> 00:13:21,844
What's one cup?
362
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:24,238
- Ugh, God, that smells good.
363
00:13:28,242 --> 00:13:32,289
High fives and low fives
are better than no fives!
364
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:33,377
- Ha-ha!
365
00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:34,901
- If somebody calls you
a wet blanket,
366
00:13:34,944 --> 00:13:36,772
ask 'em how they'd like it
in a desert
367
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:37,860
if they saw you there.
368
00:13:37,904 --> 00:13:39,079
Are you getting this?
369
00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:40,994
- Yes. Yes.
M-more. More.
370
00:13:41,037 --> 00:13:44,345
- If you step on a berry,
you just made some jam!
371
00:13:44,388 --> 00:13:46,521
I think I need
more coffee, Jack.
372
00:13:48,479 --> 00:13:50,481
If you pass gas
when you leave a room,
373
00:13:50,525 --> 00:13:52,005
it's called a toodle-oo!
374
00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:53,702
- That the first half
of something?
375
00:13:53,745 --> 00:13:55,269
- If you spill your milk,
376
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,401
it's just a paper towel
gettin' a promotion!
377
00:13:57,445 --> 00:13:59,360
Oh, my God,
here's a good one, Jack.
378
00:13:59,403 --> 00:14:02,711
If you escape the womb,
you can escape anything!
379
00:14:02,754 --> 00:14:04,104
Boom!
380
00:14:04,147 --> 00:14:06,671
- I am gonna be rich.
381
00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:15,811
- So that was
the Wikipedia entry,
382
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:18,945
and this is your paper.
383
00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:20,294
- Okay, Ralph.
384
00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:22,600
It is the third Friday
of the month.
385
00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:24,428
Funky Friday?
386
00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:26,343
The day that Mary and I usually
break out the karaoke machine?
387
00:14:26,387 --> 00:14:28,215
Well, today,
Mary can suck an egg,
388
00:14:28,258 --> 00:14:31,566
because you and I
are going to crush a duet.
389
00:14:31,609 --> 00:14:33,437
- Oh, no,
I haven't performed in years.
390
00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:36,919
I mean, I played trombone
in a ska band in college.
391
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:38,529
You know, the Skanky Doodles.
392
00:14:38,573 --> 00:14:40,618
We had a killer rendition
of "Proud to Be an American,"
393
00:14:40,662 --> 00:14:42,969
all ska'd out, and,
you know, it was ironic.
394
00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:45,319
But also, no,
we were very patriotic
395
00:14:45,362 --> 00:14:47,190
but also questioned everything.
396
00:14:47,234 --> 00:14:49,671
You know, the...
'90s were nuts!
397
00:14:49,714 --> 00:14:51,151
- You'll be fine.
398
00:14:51,194 --> 00:14:52,848
No one's gonna be looking
at you anyway.
399
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,111
See you later, girl!
400
00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:01,944
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
401
00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:04,164
That's my presentation.
Give me that.
402
00:15:04,207 --> 00:15:05,730
Don't ever go through
my stuff again,
403
00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:08,951
or I'll beat your ass
with whatever I can... find.
404
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:10,474
- Aw, you seem upset.
405
00:15:10,518 --> 00:15:12,346
Yo, maybe this
will cheer you up.
406
00:15:12,389 --> 00:15:15,218
Fries are like jeans--
they, uh, go with anything.
407
00:15:15,262 --> 00:15:17,481
That's very funny.
408
00:15:17,525 --> 00:15:19,309
You know what's really
gonna cheer me up?
409
00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:20,702
All the money I'm gonna get
from the millions
410
00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:22,051
of people who buy my new book.
411
00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:23,357
- "Hundred Smiles
in Your Pocket"?
412
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:24,184
That's lame.
413
00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:25,794
- "You grow each day.
414
00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:27,187
Just ask your fingernails."
415
00:15:27,230 --> 00:15:28,710
- Yeah, well,
of course it sounds terrible
416
00:15:28,753 --> 00:15:29,972
when Marcus reads it.
417
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:30,973
- This is the book
you told Miles
418
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,366
you weren't gonna write.
419
00:15:32,409 --> 00:15:34,107
- It seems like
you're selling out, boss.
420
00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:35,586
- No, this isn't selling out.
421
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:37,284
Let me just explain
how the world works.
422
00:15:37,327 --> 00:15:38,589
You see, sometimes,
you write something
423
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:39,721
that's just so brilliant
424
00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:41,679
that dum-dums don't want
to publish it.
425
00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:45,509
So you go schmooze with
a couple Chad Bro Chillingtons,
426
00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:47,033
you know,
and then you crank out
427
00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:49,296
whatever drivel they want,
get paid.
428
00:15:49,339 --> 00:15:51,385
- That is the exact definition
of selling out.
429
00:15:51,428 --> 00:15:53,039
- Yeah, well, I'll be sure
to explain that
430
00:15:53,082 --> 00:15:54,518
to the Sex Pistols
when we're watching
431
00:15:54,562 --> 00:15:56,433
David Copperfield levitate
in my hot tub.
432
00:15:56,477 --> 00:16:00,611
- Maybe he can pull
your integrity out of a hat.
433
00:16:00,655 --> 00:16:03,223
- He certainly made
your principles disappear.
434
00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:05,051
Right?
- Ha. Magic puns.
435
00:16:05,094 --> 00:16:06,400
Yeah, nice.
436
00:16:06,443 --> 00:16:08,315
The ultimate indicator
of popularity.
437
00:16:08,358 --> 00:16:10,230
You know what?
I'm gonna take off,
438
00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:11,883
go to the airport early,
439
00:16:11,927 --> 00:16:13,276
grab a Cinnabon.
440
00:16:14,582 --> 00:16:16,758
- I got it--
"Maybe David Copperfield
441
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:17,933
could pull a rabbit out of--"
442
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,717
- Dude, he left.
443
00:16:24,853 --> 00:16:25,027
.
444
00:16:25,071 --> 00:16:27,160
- It is Friday!
Who's ready to get funky?
445
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:28,770
- Hey, guys.
446
00:16:28,813 --> 00:16:31,033
- Me and my bestie
are going to sing it out.
447
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:34,776
Come on, Durbs.
- All right. Ahem.
448
00:16:34,819 --> 00:16:36,343
- ♪ I tell you what I want,
what I really ♪
449
00:16:36,386 --> 00:16:38,171
♪ Really want,
so tell me what you want ♪
450
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:39,999
♪ What you really,
really want ♪
451
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:41,783
- ♪ I wanna, I wanna,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪
452
00:16:41,826 --> 00:16:44,655
♪ Really, really, really
want to zig-a-zig-nope! ♪
453
00:16:44,699 --> 00:16:47,528
Guys, I'm sorry, this...
ugh, this is wrong.
454
00:16:47,571 --> 00:16:48,964
All right?
And I don't mean my singing.
455
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,619
I think I surprised everyone,
including myself,
456
00:16:51,662 --> 00:16:55,231
with how good I was,
but Mary and Stef,
457
00:16:55,275 --> 00:16:57,799
you guys, you've had
the smallest disagreement,
458
00:16:57,842 --> 00:17:00,062
a-and you're both being
so stubborn.
459
00:17:00,106 --> 00:17:01,803
I mean, one of you
has gotta step up
460
00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:03,196
and be the bigger woman.
461
00:17:03,239 --> 00:17:06,068
- I know he did not just say
"bigger woman."
462
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:09,071
- Fine, you know what,
I guess--
463
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:11,160
I guess I did freak out
a little bit
464
00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:13,423
because I was jealous
that you picked Michelle,
465
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:16,296
and I thought we agreed
we were picking each other.
466
00:17:16,339 --> 00:17:17,819
- But we didn't agree.
467
00:17:17,862 --> 00:17:19,255
You told me to put you down
and just thought
468
00:17:19,299 --> 00:17:21,866
I would follow along,
and I usually do.
469
00:17:21,910 --> 00:17:23,912
Cobb club.
Funky Friday.
470
00:17:23,955 --> 00:17:26,654
Getting our nails done
on the 14th of every month.
471
00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:28,090
Gotta come up with a name
for that one.
472
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,310
- So you don't like
all of that stuff.
473
00:17:30,353 --> 00:17:32,094
- No, I love it!
474
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:35,097
But that doesn't mean I'm gonna
blindly do everything you say.
475
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:37,665
Besides, I only chose Michelle
as my emergency contact
476
00:17:37,708 --> 00:17:39,275
'cause if something crazy
happened to me,
477
00:17:39,319 --> 00:17:41,886
well, you'd be right by my side
doing it too.
478
00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:43,279
Remember the last time
we almost died?
479
00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:46,108
Drunk, topless,
parasailing in the Bahamas?
480
00:17:46,152 --> 00:17:48,458
- Mm-hmm.
Girl, you're right.
481
00:17:48,502 --> 00:17:49,851
I guess if there was
an emergency,
482
00:17:49,894 --> 00:17:52,680
chances are
we'd be in it together.
483
00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:54,116
You know what, Ralph?
484
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,771
Make Michelle
my emergency contact too.
485
00:17:56,814 --> 00:17:58,773
- Aww! You're so sweet!
486
00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:00,035
- Mm-hmm.
487
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,515
- So, okay,
worst-case scenario,
488
00:18:01,558 --> 00:18:02,864
how long do you want me to wait
489
00:18:02,907 --> 00:18:04,953
before I give that plug
a little yank?
490
00:18:04,996 --> 00:18:08,609
- Jeez, Michelle!
- Long! Very long!
491
00:18:08,652 --> 00:18:10,480
- Okay. Okay.
492
00:18:13,744 --> 00:18:18,445
♪
493
00:18:19,489 --> 00:18:21,883
♪
494
00:18:21,926 --> 00:18:24,364
- All right, come on, bitch.
495
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:26,366
Come on, bitch.
496
00:18:26,409 --> 00:18:29,238
You got this, bitch.
497
00:18:29,282 --> 00:18:31,284
Don't be a bitch!
498
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:39,553
Come on, bitch.
You little bitch!
499
00:18:39,596 --> 00:18:41,642
Hey! What's up, bro?
500
00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:42,730
What's up, bronies?
501
00:18:42,773 --> 00:18:44,253
Hey, brosephinas.
Nice.
502
00:18:44,297 --> 00:18:48,039
Oh! It's the Egg-Man
from the FaceTime.
503
00:18:48,083 --> 00:18:50,912
Say hello to my little friend.
504
00:18:50,955 --> 00:18:55,308
Mm Yep.
505
00:18:55,351 --> 00:18:56,744
- Hey, Jack.
506
00:18:56,787 --> 00:18:58,398
Uh, we're really excited
about this.
507
00:18:58,441 --> 00:19:00,182
- Totally.
508
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:08,582
- No.
509
00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:10,236
No, guys, I can't, uh...
510
00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:11,976
I can't do this.
511
00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:13,935
Look, I, uh...
512
00:19:13,978 --> 00:19:16,067
I want to tell you guys
about something better.
513
00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:18,853
It's called "The End:
A Philosophy of Death."
514
00:19:18,896 --> 00:19:20,768
That's me.
515
00:19:20,811 --> 00:19:22,900
That's what I'm about.
516
00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:24,598
- Yeah, I thought
Miles told you.
517
00:19:24,641 --> 00:19:26,252
It's not something
we're interested in.
518
00:19:26,295 --> 00:19:28,950
- Well, that's the only book
on the table today, so...
519
00:19:28,993 --> 00:19:30,734
- We get it, Jack, I mean,
520
00:19:30,778 --> 00:19:34,042
the smile book must have been
pretty tough for you to write.
521
00:19:34,085 --> 00:19:36,218
- Hold on a second there.
Who said it was tough?
522
00:19:36,262 --> 00:19:38,002
'Cause that wasn't tough,
all right?
523
00:19:38,046 --> 00:19:40,048
And if you guys read
what I wrote, you'd love it.
524
00:19:40,091 --> 00:19:41,745
You'd go nuts.
You'd buy it in a heartbeat.
525
00:19:41,789 --> 00:19:44,444
Here, let me just--
hold on.
526
00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:45,836
Oh, God.
527
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:47,360
Who threw away
all this potato salad?
528
00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:49,057
- That was mine.
Sorry.
529
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,233
- All right, well, whatever,
I'm just gonna hit you guys
530
00:19:51,277 --> 00:19:52,887
with a couple of
these smiles here.
531
00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,062
Uh, number 22.
532
00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:57,152
"It's not a flat tire,
it's a swing."
533
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,807
Smile 46:
"If you step on a berry,
534
00:19:59,850 --> 00:20:00,982
you just made jam."
535
00:20:01,025 --> 00:20:02,244
See, I think
I've proven my point.
536
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:03,985
You know, I can--
I can crank out
537
00:20:04,028 --> 00:20:06,901
the kind of crap you guys want,
but guess what?
538
00:20:06,944 --> 00:20:08,424
You're never gonna get
any of it.
539
00:20:08,468 --> 00:20:11,732
- Yeah, none of this
is what we wanted, at all.
540
00:20:11,775 --> 00:20:12,820
- You know what, I'm glad
I'm not moving
541
00:20:12,863 --> 00:20:14,169
to this stupid city.
542
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:15,344
It's just filled
with a bunch of sellouts
543
00:20:15,388 --> 00:20:16,476
like you, Eggleston.
544
00:20:16,519 --> 00:20:17,738
Yeah, you're all just a bunch
545
00:20:17,781 --> 00:20:19,305
of fedora-wearing phonies!
546
00:20:20,697 --> 00:20:22,960
- None of us have fedoras.
547
00:20:23,004 --> 00:20:26,486
- Buddy... you are a fedora.
548
00:20:28,705 --> 00:20:31,099
So, I wasn't able
to hit Eggleston,
549
00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:32,622
but I pee-peed on his building,
550
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:34,276
and I popped one of the interns
pretty good.
551
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,365
There's a warrant for my arrest
in New York,
552
00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:37,366
but guess what?
553
00:20:37,410 --> 00:20:39,281
I ain't in New York.
554
00:20:39,325 --> 00:20:42,023
- So, a bunch of us
read your book about death.
555
00:20:42,066 --> 00:20:45,418
- Yeah, yeah, it's--
you know, it's... bleak.
556
00:20:45,461 --> 00:20:47,028
- It was awesome.
557
00:20:47,071 --> 00:20:49,422
- I can't stop
thinking about it.
558
00:20:49,465 --> 00:20:51,162
- Parts of it
were, like, scary.
559
00:20:51,206 --> 00:20:53,034
- And I like the part
about how, uh,
560
00:20:53,077 --> 00:20:55,210
destruction and creation
are basically the same thing.
561
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,212
- Oh,
or the mouse trap analogy.
562
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:58,692
That was about destruction,
right?
563
00:20:58,735 --> 00:21:00,302
- No, no,
it was about creation.
564
00:21:00,346 --> 00:21:02,217
- They're the same thing,
idiot.
565
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,872
- No, that's the thing,
it's a cyclical process, right?
566
00:21:08,745 --> 00:21:10,181
- I'm dying.
- Totally.
567
00:21:10,225 --> 00:21:12,227
- We're dying.
Man, you dying!
568
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:13,533
You're dying--
you got a little sister?
569
00:21:13,576 --> 00:21:15,056
She dying too!
40692
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