Original subtitles

Hey, you know uncle Alex, I really miss that great white.

Things just haven't been the same since he's been gone.

Yeah, that fish was a minnow compared to

the barracuda I married.

Hamilton, where have you been all morning ?

Out working the streets. It's a jungle out there.

Found a missing earring.

A-ha.

Hamilton, hit the streets.

Yes, sir.

Time for roll call.

Let's roll.

Lacey ?

Pumpernickel, sir.

Casey ? Onion, sir.

Howe ? Sesame seed, sir.

David ?

I actually, uh, I wanted the sesame seed.

You had it last roll call.

Yes, but I wanted it now, too.

I like sesame seed.

I wanted the damn sesame seed.

You dirty-- give me the fucking sesame--

stop!

That's why I'm the captain.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, knock it off.

Where the hell's Clifford ?

He's down cleaning the sewage pumps last time I saw him.

That's where he belongs.

All right...

We've got a busy day ahead of us.

Let's see what we've got this week.

All right, so far we've had, robberies, zero.

Accidental deaths, zero. Murders, zero.

But! We have had an increase in the number of women

jumping out of their showers and running through the yard...

Naked.

That, that would be peeping Tom.

We have a sketch.

It's a little rough right now, but we're still working on it.

You should get a fair idea.

Not bad.

Really nice.

Well I know it's a-- it's a little rough,

but it's the best I could do right... up front.

So basically, I want you to keep doing what you're doing.

Keep your eyes out for that peeping Tom...

And don't get caught sleeping in the squad car.

I uh... that's because I was using my other senses.

Like a ninja.

So, when you go out there today,

I want you to fight.

Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight.

If you run into a criminal and you get into a fight...

Here's what I want you to do,

if he hits you and knocks you down,

I want you to get up and fight him again.

If he knocks you down again,

I want you to get up and fight him harder.

If he knocks you down again,

I want you to get up and get the hell out of there

'cause you're losing. Now get out there and move!

Get me a donut.

Captain, he gets the last donut.

Hi. Up yours.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, what happened to you ?

I'm sorry.

You missed roll call.

Ah, kaiser.

Where were you ?

I was on a cigarette break.

But you don't smoke.

Well, that's not what the lady said.

Good morning, lieutenant.

Good morning, officers.

Amity police, is this an emergency ?

Uh, yes. I would have the greatest respect for you

if you could hook me up with...

Do you have many different kinds of girls there ?

Yes, sir.

Do you have a preference for your afternoon pleasure ?

Yes, something in a redhead with broad shoulders.

Someone will be right over to pick you up.

David, we got one!

Yeah, who's it for ?

Bambi!

Oh, good. Wake her up.

Oh, wait, it's Dr. Kaplan, she doesn't need to be awake.

Bambi. Carrie.

Carrie, you awake ?

Now I am.

Well, get up. You still have to make up your

ten hours of community service.

Can't I take it out in trade ?

Carrie!

All right. All right.

The women's auxiliary is coming in for a lesson.

Wake me at one.

Bambi!

Hmm ?

You look different. What is it ?

Oh, maybe 'cause I straightened my hair a little.

I don't think so.

Weight loss ? I dropped fifty-two pounds.

You do look great, but I don't think that's it.

Nose job ?

May be.

Boob job ?

Getting closer.

The sex-change operation.

That's it.

Hold it right there, miss.

Yes ?

Do you realize that you were jaywalking ?

Well, i--

we have laws around here, miss.

But, but-- didn't you see ?

But, but, nothing. Great butt or no butt...

You're still getting a ticket. Butts don't stop me.

But, in case you're wondering, you have a great butt.

Pay attention, you nutty fool!

Nice hat. What's the problem ?

A guy from over there--

never mind.

Where are you going ? Why don't you chasing him ?

That's a long run.

I bet it is.

Officer Hamilton.

Officer howe.

Yeah, did you see everything ?

Everything.

Good, good. Where are the perps ?

Right over there.

I mean the uh--

I mean the guys who robbed the liquor store.

Someone robbed the liquor store ?

Oh, god. Nobody tells me anything.

I tried to tell him.

You're under arrest. Wait until I get you to the police station.

You're a troublemaker. You're a troublemaker.

Walk, walk, walk. Move that ass. Move that ass.

Come on, get in. Get in. Let me pat you down...

What do we got here ?

We had a burglary.

I see, uh...

What did you do...

Steal somebody's heart ?

Oh! Eew! Ah!

No, this is the eyewitness.

Einstein, over here-- Hamilton, idiot.

Moron! Moron, idiot. Shut up.

I'm sorry.

This big poluka had his back to the whole crime scene

and missed everything.

She was jaywalking.

So, tell me, did you see anything ?

I saw two guys running out of a liquor store,

they had shorts on and black ski masks and I tried to tell him.

He didn't do anything.

Hmm, too bad she didn't see anything.

Wait a minute, what day is it ?

The third.

The baker brothers.

That's right. Excuse me ?

Well, you see, it's a baker brothers' m.O.,

black ski masks, every Wednesday they Rob their father's store.

Howe, pick them up.

You want to book her ?

Yes, book her.

I can offer you a two-day roll. Sag scale and credit billing.

But you'll have to call my agent.

Damn, I hate working with agents.

Hey, David. Anything new ?

Yes, ten children were born yesterday.

I mean in the station ?

Oh, no. Same old garbage.

See what I mean ?

Yeah, that really stinks. What about that peeping Tom ?

Oh, well, we haven't caught him yet,

if that's what you're asking.

But he really does give me the creeps.

He's not spying on you. You're built the wrong way.

What do you mean ?

Well, you see, David. The male anatomy is

quite different from the female's in many ways.

For example, the male erection.

I think I got your point.

No pun intended.

No pun taken.

I wasn't trying to be funny.

Well, so far you don't have anything to worry about.

Good.

So, you got any leads.

No, but if it kills me, I'm going to catch that peeping Tom.

Whoa!

Who do you think can raise their eyebrow higher ?

Spock.

You who.

Ah, Mrs. Davies.

How good to see you.

Your mustache tickles.

I don't have a mustache.

Oh, oh, uh...

I came to check on the women's auxiliary.

Come on.

Let's go.

So, how are things ?

Fine. Just fine.

David, darling. You haven't told my husband about your little...

Enterprise, have you ?

Not a thing.

Besides, I think if he knew what we were doing,

he would have no problem with it.

Because all we are doing is taking crime off the streets...

And putting it in the police station where it belongs.

Give me that purse.

Ah, don't! Don't!

Well, I just wanted to warn you because...

He's up for re-election and you know what that means.

Instantaneous, ostentatious morality.

Precisely.

Let's go.

Ah, Mrs. Mayor. We were just getting started.

Ah, Carrie, carry on.

All right, ladies.

The procedures I'm going to be teaching you this afternoon

will be very, very important to your marriages.

Oh, yes. Ah.

Today, we'll be discussing oral sex.

Now, I've laid out a few items here for us to practice with.

Try and find whatever it is that you have at home.

Cucumbers. I have cucumbers.

Does anybody need a cucumber ?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Carrots.

Anybody need a carrot ?

Hot dogs ?

Do you have any, um... Vienna sausages ?

Oh... I am sorry.

Officer angoloti, you left your nude crack shots in the copier.

Please pick them up.

Thelma, is the cell ready yet ?

Yes, sir.

Nice to see you again, Dr. Kaplan.

Thelma.

Heh, heh, heh.

Come here, you bad, bad boy.

First, I'm going to have to strip search you.

Now, you're the prisoner, I'm the warden,

and I'm going to have to put you in the hole.

Excuse me, captain amith in ?

And who should I say is asking ?

Martin riff.

I'm, I'm the new guy.

Oh, the rookie. We've been expecting you.

Let me check.

Captain Smith, the rookie's here for orientation.

Hi, you must be the new rookie.

Captain.

Good to see you, son.

Well, welcome to the amity police force.

Come on, let me tell you something about our organization.

Organization ?

You know, I was in the drama club in high school.

Oh, so you're a four-eyed homo ?

Come on, one more. One more. Squeeze it up.

Ah, that's a girl.

Good goin', girl.

Tit for tat.

Oh, excuse me.

Officers Casey and Lacey ?

Rookie Marty riff.

Oh, you mean they're not the hookers ?

No, you idiot. Hookers have real tits.

Officers caey and Lacey. Ladies.

Sir. Sir.

Come on, buck boy. Bye!

Oh, my god!

Yeah, they're partners... In more ways than one.

Here you go.

Hey, captain. We got a pick up, you want me to take the rookie ?

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Get that four-eyed geek out of here.

He's bugging the crap out of me.

I appreciate your confidence in me, captain.

Yeah, you're doing a great job, son.

I'm sure your father would be proud of you.

If he knew who you were.

Oh, I appreciate that.

It's for Bambi, again.

Teddy on larchmont and he used the old password.

Okay, I'll give him the new password.

What's the password ? Shang-a-lang-a-ding-dong.

It used to be cock-a-doodle-doo.

Then last summer a rooster called.

We thought it was a "John."

Now we know what chicken ranch means.

Ha, ha.

Captain.

Take your hands off me, you slime ball!

Caught her on the corner of first and main

soliciting for sexual favors.

Was not.

Was to.

Was not. Was to.

Was not! Was to.

Gotcha.

Take this little floozy to the interrogation room.

She looks dangerous.

Don't try to act smart, tootsie, or you'll find out what police brutality really means.

This way. Let's go.

Hey, where the hell's Clifford, anyway ?

The little shit's probably getting another mri.

Well, she looks like the real thing.

Yeah, choice of a new generation.

Or maybe she's the uncola.

Quite possibly.

Well, I'll run her record.

You go in there and keep her calm.

But be firm with her. I want her to know...

We don't take the law lightly.

Okay... let's go.

Look, I want to make a phone call.

You'll make a phone call when I say you can make a phone call.

Well, I ain't saying shit until I talk to my lawyer.

Well, fine. We could use some silence around here.

Oh, hey. I like your outfit. Did you get that around here ?

What's it to you ?

Just trying to be nice.

They're not really going to try and hold me here are they ?

It's a small town, honey.

They don't take too kindly to breaking the law.

Shut up, you two. This woman here's a criminal.

And I'm going to see to it that she's punished.

No! No! Not that. Please! Anything but that.

Wait! Hold it right there, officer Hamilton.

I ran her record, not bad. The second song's pretty good.

What about the third song ?

Not catchy enough. But we'll let you slide.

So, Carrie, could you use an extra hand around here ?

It's summer, we can always use an extra hand.

Sorry I was rude to you earlier... I just wasn't sure.

...doin' my job. You may have been with internal affairs.

You thought I was a cop ?

Well... you can never be too sure.

What was it that gave it away, maybe the outfit ?

I like your outfit.

Yeah, me too.

You guys are nuts.

If you aren't going to charge me with anything,

I'm going to get the hell out of here.

Let's go. Let's go.

You can go, darli'. But I think you're making a big mistake.

You can work right here doing what you do.

But if you don't want to... Can I borrow your outfit ?

You see, there's already two of us here. Got room for three ?

Wait a minute, you guys are hookers ?

No, but we play them on TV.

Bambi and I got started the same way.

Got busted, captain invited us to stay on.

Wait, the captain gave you a job ?

Sure. He said he didn't see any harm

in two girls trying to make a living.

As long as no one gets hurt.

And you guys never get smacked, beat up, anything like that ?

In the police department ?

Just think, no more pimps. No more cold street corners.

No more standing around in these ridiculous high heels...

That throw your back out.

Great.

So, what do you think, you want to get cleaned up ?

Sure. I'll show you the locker room.

Think I'll clean the locker room.

I think not.

I think that you're not going to rest

until you get out there and find me that peeping Tom.

God damnit! If we don't find him soon,

this music is going to drive me insane.

Okay. And a 5, 6, 7, 8...

Ba - ba - ba - ba - ba - ba twirl like you feel it and go...

You go girl... Ba - ba - ba - ba - ba - ba - ba

and a turn and a ba ba!

It's the mayor! It's the mayor!

It's the mayor!

Captain Smith!

Ah, take five ladies. Love you, hate you. Yes ?

Mayor Davies is here.

Oh, my god. Mayor Davies.

Gentlemen.

Sir. Mayor Davies.

It has come to my attention that

this police department has not been following

the strict moral guidelines expected of it.

What do you mean, sir ?

Amity is a fine community of hard working families

and innocent children living in Harmony with each other

and the cities around them.

...of dedicated hard working professionals.

...serving the needs of the community...

Hold it down! I'm trying to talk.

What is it exactly you want, sir ?

Captain Smith, I am demanding you step down

until a full investigation of you and your department

has been completed.

Take him away!

I'm innocent.

I'm not leaving you high and dry.

I've brought you exactly what this department needs.

Captain Mae.

This is captain Mae.

She'll be in charge of this department

until things get sorted out.

Lieutenant caroll, show her the ropes.

Yes, mayor.

Short, medium, long.

Officer David caroll, head of vice.

I'll bet you are.

I think there was no need for a change.

Oh, I think there was plenty of need for a change.

Bring me up to speed.

All right. Let's go.

On your marks. Get set. Go!

Officer howe, line one. Winchell's donuts, again!

Hi.

Will you stop it already ?

Hmm, you noticed him, too.

Yeah, but I'm not drooling.

I bet he's great in the sack.

I'll bet he's never been in the sack.

I think we should find out.

Sorry.

Nah.

Speak of the devil.

Oh... I'm-- I'm sorry.

Sorry about what ?

Well, I mean, I don't want to interrupt.

Sit... there... now.

Ahhm, so...

Been a cop long ?

Yeah.

No, no. I mean no. I just graduated.

You're going to like it here.

Can I have a bite of that apple ?

Sure.

Excuse me.

Don't you want something on that ?

Do you have any... butter ?

Sure.

Oh, honey. You have to spread this evenly.

Let me help you.

Oops, I think you missed a spot.

Amity's a great little town.

Nice people.

Really nice.

It sure seems like it.

Can I have one of those ?

Sure.

Would you like half ?

Thanks.

You'll see our fabulous lunch room.

And this is where all of our wonderful police officers

come and have lunch every day.

If you look right now you'll be able to see them--

what is going on here ?

What is going on here ?

Ah, ah. Ah, ah.

Officer riff here was showing us

the correct procedure for the heimlich maneuver.

Ah, ah, h ate one of these and I think he got really hot,

right, officer riff ?

Well, never mind that right now,

ladies and gentlemen,

this is officer captain Mary Mae,

she will be heading and investigating the department

from here on out.

Officers Casey. And Lacey.

At your service.

Carry on.

Carry on.

Oh, maybe you'd like to see

the certificate of appreciation we received last year ?

The most uneventful town in America.

Ah, ha.

Well, that certainly is interesting.

I'd like to see the locker rooms.

Ah, okay. Look at that one.

See that picture right there ?

Do you want to do my breasts ?

Oh, yes. Oh, please.

Oh, deeper.

No, no. I don't floss on the first date.

That's uh, that's our local high school.

Look at all those adorable faces.

Gee-gee, ga-ga, goo-goo.

Locker room, let's go.

Rinse fast, we've got trouble.

What's up?

No time.

Use the route, round up the girls and get 'em out of here.

Hurry!

Oh, my god! Bambi's still on duty.

Come on!

Where are you going ? Secret passage, good idea.

Don't do this. Wait for me. Don't do this!

Officer howe, at your service.

You have the men and women in the same locker room ?

Well, you see, it's not really like that because-- because--

well, uh, you see. It's just that...

It's not really in the budget right now...

In this department to have two separate locker rooms.

Well that sounds like a line.

You see, uh, we take turns in the shower...

First the women, then the men, then the transsexuals...

Then the transvestites, it's all so we don't confuse the issues.

No, that's all very confusing.

Now I'd like to see the holding cells.

Right this way. Let's go.

Ouch! Officer caroll...

You just got to let me go.

I promise I'll never do it again...

And from now on I'll be a good girl.

You're already pretty good.

Thanks, thanks.

I'm afraid to ask.

You should be. I mean, you shouldn't be.

Because it really doesn't matter.

I can explain.

I'm waiting.

Well, I, uh...

Would you believe--

thank you, thank you and welcome to "would you believe?"

The show that tests just how far your imagination will stretch.

My pumpkin pie.

My little prune Danish.

My lover.

No one's supposed to know. Shh!

Shh!

And right now for five hundred dollars, officer David caroll...

Why does this jail cell look like a bordello ?

Would you believe... ?

Ah, because she's here so often that

they had to bring all of her own stuff from home.

Good answer, but not good enough.

Ms. Bambi, would you believe ?

Um, we have the whole thing redone by Madonna's decorator.

That's unbelievable.

Captain Mary Mae, for five hundred dollars, would you believe...?

It was created by criminal psychologists

who wanted to regress criminals to the moment of conception.

That's right. We have a winner.

Captain Mary Mae of the amity police department.

Step up here to collect your five hundred dollars.

Thank you.

Congratulations. Thank you.

Five hundred dollars ?

That's more than I've made all week.

Tune in next week and be prepared to stretch...

Stretch... stretch further than you've ever stretched before.

So... you think you're being cute ?

Ya think this is some kind of game ?

Badgering, ha ? Don't listen much, mister ?

You got a hearing problem ?

He doesn't speak much.

Neither do you.

Mr. Baker, you're supposed to be the older brother...

You're supposed to set an example.

I don't think he's listening.

Can you hear me, mister !?

He's got hearing problems, too.

Let me try some sign language.

All right.

You... can't... break... into... Your father's... store.

It... makes... you... look... Whoo... ah...

Bad.

He can't sees nothing, neither.

David: So, why are we talking to him ?

'Cause he's the one who's got all the brains in the family.

...yap, that helped put us on the map.

All righty, tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to let you go this time.

No one's pressing charges.

But next time--

clear!

We'll never do it again.

You better not. And you!

Take that stupid look off your face.

That's better.

Come on, come on. Get outta here.

Leave those masks.

Someone help me.

Well, what can we do for you ?

I was taking a shower, I just live around the corner.

There was this man, I saw him in my bushes.

Watching me.

So he was... Washing your bush.

No, he was busting my watch.

I mean, watching my bust... I mean watching me wash.

I've never been so scared in my whole life.

So... this man, did he look like this ?

That's him. Exactly!

Well, sounds like the peeping Tom.

We know sombody's been watching and

we've been watching him watch... But we don't know who he is.

Even with that sketch ?

Yeah, it's hard to believe.

Can I wash you walk ? I mean, can I walk your bush ?

I mean, can I walk you home ?

I'd really appreciate it.

Heh, heh, heh.

Thank you.

Drop by anytime.

So, is the mayor gone yet ?

Yeah, the shit has really hit the fan.

Wait a minute,

we don't steal other people's jokes around here.

We only borrow them.

Good thing.

Yes. Oh, my god. I left Billy in the cell.

So, what's goin' on ?

Okay, what happened was

captain Smith came in

the picture, you know,

and he was the captain and

he was great,

because we ran prostitution

through here, but everybody

got paid a lot of money,

they got their nails painted,

their toes painted every

single day 'cause they could

afford it...

>>Sorry.

They bought all kinds of...

And prostitution ring and they

keep trying to get rid of

the prostitution ring.

What are we supposed to do,

I mean, nobody is making money

anymore, everybody needs

to be rich, they need to get

new clothes daily.

They need to feed themselves,

then captain Mary Mae comes in,

she says,

"oh, I'm not gonna take this..."

This is a fine way to run a business.

Lock us up in separate cells, man.

I feel like I'm about ready to bust.

Billy!

David!

Sorry, man. I didn't mean to leave you hangin'.

We've had a little problem.

Look, we have a little problem here.

I've heard that before.

So have I.

Me too.

Well, any way. I guess we should probably leave you be for now.

Yeah, let's go. We'll come back.

No! Wait! David, you can't leave me like this, man.

I feel like a prisoner.

What would make you feel that way ?

I got it. We'll be back.

>>She has something up her butt

and it died and she doesn't

understand because the law's all

she knows, you know, she just

doesn't even want to know what's

going on, because she walks

around the whole place,

how does she know about this...

She came here a short while ago

she doesn't know anything,

'cause she's--

man, that was bad.

You didn't like it ?

No, I'm down with it.

It felt hard to me.

No, I mean I'm cool. I'm just chillin'.

Do you want me to turn up the heat ?

Hey, where's Bambi ?

My god, she's still with Billy.

Captain Mae is coming! Captain Mae is coming!

Mae alert! Mae alert!

Well, I'm sure it's all very interesting.

But I really do have to get unpacked.

All right. Maybe later then.

I've still got some paper work to do.

Any messages ?

Yes, your mother called. My mother called ?

Yes, there's been a horrible accident.

Your father's been killed.

What do you mean ?

Apparently there was a freak accident and

his lawn mower killed him.

She said it went haywire

and turned your father into fertilizer.

Wait, good news.

Your lawn looks better than ever.

It's colorful and full of life.

Who are you ?

Officer Lisa hancock, I'm the night receptionist.

I thought the lieutenant picked up the phone at night ?

Well, that's because he didn't have me.

Do you have any white-out ?

Oh, gosh, Billy. I thought you were done. Sorry.

No, no. Wait! David! David!

Damn, no matter what I do I can't get out of jail.

Amity police department. Is this an emergency ?

It sure feels like one. Shang-a-lang-a-ding-dong.

Preference ?

I've already picked the blonde one and I'm tired of Casey.

An officer will be right over.

Go wake up Clifford and get Hamilton a run interference.

All right.

No. I'm here as a public servant.

I'll help anybody. No problem at all.

Why would I care that it's the pope ?

He's got sexual problems just like everybody else.

I assure you. What do you mean, anti-semitic ?

Hamilton ?

Yes ?

I've got a client en route

and I need you to pick up a graffiti artist.

Take care of the captain for me, will ya ?

That woman's about as much fun as an enema.

I'll right, then I'll take care of her.

Thanks.

And by the way... Don't forget...

Bambi's in the cell, you got to get her out.

Remember last time ? She thought she was the lion for an hour.

Remember ? I had to do the end production of

the wizard of oz fifty times, how could I forget ?

That was pretty miserable, wasn't it ?

Yeah, it was. You were off key.

Very. Very flat.

It was a bad day.

Bad hair day, too. Damn!

But I'm on a diet.

You're 100 pounds over weight--

oh, hi. Captain, I'm going out on a call...

It's very high profile.

I thought you might like to ride shotgun ?

You think it may be dangerous ?

It very well could be.

Let's go! All right.

Marty.

Seen Carrie ?

No.

All right, well if you see her before I do,

let her know we need her in the interrogation room.

We're not using the cells in the day anymore, okay ?

Okay.

Hey, cliff ?

Yes ?

You ever have two girls come on to you at the same Tim ?

Only in my dreams. What's up ?

Well, I don't know how to decide.

What's to decide ?

Well, I've never, you know...

I've never been in this situation before.

Marty, there's worse situations to be in, all right ?

Trust me. I tell you what,

if you get two chicks in the sack, all right,

I'll turn in my badge.

It'd almost be worth it.

Shut up! All right, so if you see Carrie,

you'll tell her that ?

All right. Thank you.

Thank you.

What do you got ?

Counterfeit, caught him red-handed.

Good work.

So, what are you doing ?

Got Carrie in the interrogation room.

Come here, my little doggie.

Heel! Heel!

Ankles. Ankles!

That's it, lick my latex.

Good doggie.

That was bull shit! An 8-year-old ?

What kind of crime do we have in this city ?

Oh, Mae alert! Mae alert!

Meow!

Oh, no! Come on! Come on, get up!

Get up!

Get up. Put your clothes on.

Come on, oh, Mae alert.

M@e alert. Maealert

out, John boy! Out!

All clear!

What's that supposed to mean ?

Oh, would you believe--

thank you. Thank you and welcome to "would you believe?"

The show that tests--

no, no, no!

What ?

Well, this is just over the top.

Really ? Yes.

Well, if you want to be that way about it... here!

So, what really happened ?

Well, I was interrogating this man, and we ah, ah...

Ah, threw up. He threw up.

He threw!

And I was just letting him know that it was all clear...

Meaning that it was all clean.

Clean. Clear. Clear and clean.

As a whistle.

Where are your cleaning supplies ?

Whistling.

Ah, all I need is my trusty rag.

Dependable. Trusty.

You can trust it. Never lie to you, ever.

What have we got here ?

I caught him trying to pass counterfeit 100 dollar bills.

Good work.

But the guy must be color blind.

What makes you think that ?

Because 100 dollar bills aren't red.

Stupid.

Are you sure on that ?

Well, here. You take a couple, I'll take a couple...

Anybody want one ?

I'll take one.

Have a nice day. Merry Christmas.

Twinkie ?

I'll take it-- sure, thanks.

Give me another one of those. Thanks.

Ah, what a day.

Seven jaywalkers, two double- Parkers and a litter bug.

God! Sometimes you really gotta earn your paycheck around here.

Leaving ?

I'm taking the books home with me.

Think anything will happen tonight ?

Ah, no, no. Nights around here are slower than the days.

Well, I'm only a phone call away.

Good night. Good night.

One-one thousand, two-one thousand, three-one thousand...

Let's party!

Whoo, yeah!

Come on, man. It's not funny. Leave me alone.

It's not my fault.

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, captain.

Morning, captain.

Clifford, did you take roll call ?

All here.

Good. Last night I went over the books...

And I was very surprised.

I've never seen a police department

in such great financial shape.

Oh, very nice. Good.

Money, I like that.

This building has been paid off and I see you put

a down payment on a new building for the station.

Your community has bought you new walkie-talkies,

new uniforms, new weights and a cappaccino machine.

Hear, hear!

It makes me proud.

I-- they just give and give.

However, I have noticed some unorthodox procedures

around here. So you guys best watch your "ps and qs."

We're going by the book.

At ease.

Understood ?

Understood. Understood. Understood!

Now, I have a little surprise for you.

Since there's such an excess of cash in the slush fund,

I'm going to be sprucing up the place.

You know, putting in some green plants,

maybe a painting or two.

Anything else ?

Yes, we have a new drawing of the suspect, the peeping Tom.

Pass this around to everybody, get a good look at it.

Ooo, yeah. Ah!

I wish I could draw like that.

Ooo, I want this guy.

Hey, that looks like my ex-boyfriend.

Let me see that, again.

I bet you I could find this guy in two hours.

Oay, get out there and be safe.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know anybody was here.

What are you sorry about ?

I-- um-- i--

I-- um--

could you come stand here for a second ?

Well... sure.

No. Stand here.

There ?

All right.

Now, you try to push my legs out...

And I'll try to push them back in.

Okay.

Gotcha.

All my life I never even had a beautiful girl look at me.

I mean, much less come on to me.

And out of the blue today, it's happened twice.

Twice ?

What's going on here ?

I was just exercising my thighs.

Bitch.

Where's that janitor ?

My blinds haven't been dusted this decade.

She works on mostly nights.

Fine, I'll leave her a note.

Tell me when the mayor's wife comes in,

she's taking me to lunch.

She's already here.

She is ?

She's downstairs with the women's auxiliary.

Oh, good. I think I'll go join her.

Now hold it in your hand. Firmly but gently.

Then up and down, up and down.

Oh, Mae alert! Oh, Mae alert!

Okay, put them away 'til later, okay ?

Knowing the correct way to use a condom

could mean the difference between life and death.

Hello.

You must be captain Mary Mae.

Ladies...

Captain Mary Mae.

Our new... Captain.

Bravo!

Aren't you the janitor ?

Janitor and also sex educator.

Clean is as clean does.

Hey, what are you doin' here ?

Ah, couldn't sleep.

I was up all night trying to catch that peeping Tom.

Hey, Hamilton. What you got there ?

Yeah, what you got over here ?

Loiterer, got a complaint from Cunningham's.

I'm so impressed with the role

that this police department plays in the community.

Oh, yes. Our officers really give their best.

Mister, you got a name ?

Don't give me any of your lip.

All right, listen up.

I want you to take his cuffs off him.

But watch him! He looks like a creep.

Get some finger prints.

That was really good the way you handled him.

It was strong--

thank you. You know, I was trying to be--

I didn't want to go over the top.

Some people--

he's got a gun.

Stop it!

That's enough screaming!

Now, you!

Why did you have to go and get my gun ?

We were just going to give you a hot meal.

We weren't gonna do anything.

All right, Mr. listen to me.

There's nothing to worry about,

it's okay. I know you're scared.

Watch me, I'm the guy to talk to.

I'm not touching my gun, you see me,

my hand is not on my gun.

No, no, no!

Now, stay focused,

it's gonna be okay.

You can do this, we're all friends here.

We're all friends, drop the gun.

Come on, give me the gun! You can do it.

Give me the gun. Look a u.F.O.!

Thank you.

Thank you. There's nothing to see here.

Now... all right, Mr.

We've got a place for people like you,

it's called a "big gray cell."

Take him away!

I'm sorry. That's all right.

Get over here, you scum bag!

Thank you!

Good work, officer caroll.

Thank you very much, just doin' my job.

Well, I'm impressed.

Thank you.

Our hero.

No need to thank me.

No need to thank me.

Why don't you take the mayor's wife out for a little lunch ?

Come on, you deserve it.

Come on, get out of here.

You guys have done a great job. Thanks for watching.

You can sleep safe in amity.

Love those guys, whew!

What a nice group of women. That small town morality.

You just can't find that these days.

Back so soon ?

Are you ever off duty ?

As a matter of fact, I am.

But not right now.

I had three more complaints about

that peeping Tom last night.

Yes, but good news, got a little further on that sketch.

Take a look.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

See, big differences. Now it'll be a lot easier to find.

Well, that will certainly help.

Yep! I know.

Never knew I had such a flair for art.

Captain!

Shhh!

Captain, what are you doing here ?

What are you doing here ?

What's with the donut outfit ?

Camouflage. I'm an eclair.

Listen, I came here to warn you about that Mary Mae.

She's the best they've got. I.N.S.

Immigration ?

I mean I.B.M.

Oh computers ?

I mean I.F.S.

Banking ?

You know, internal affairs.

Oh, right.

Tell me that you've closed down the whole operation,

and put away the contraband ?

I'd love to tell you that but that's a lie.

She's not that hot.

Not at all. No. We've got it covered.

We have a plan.

She can't even got to the bathroom without everyone knowing exactly where she is.

That's right.

A peephole ? No. Listen.

Thelma: Oh Mae to the lunch room.

Oh Mae to the lunch room.

Pretty nifty, huh ?

Quick hide! Hide!

Gentlemen...

We were just leaving.

No. I was just looking for the two of you.

I think---

right here. Here we are.

I think they've made a terrible mistake about this department.

There's nothing fishy going on here.

Nothing at all.

No. Not at all.

By the book, that's our motto.

That's all right. It's fine.

Good, we're just trying to be good cops.

The best.

You are both fine police officers.

Exemplary.

Thanks. You know you've got to stop.

In fact, I want to do something special for you.

I don't know what yet...

I just want you to know I'm planning something.

Great! Wonderful!

Thank you so much.

You're a real sweetheart. A real pal.

Hamilton, get back to work.

David, go home, get some sleep.

Get some z's

that's an order.

That was close.

I'm telling you she knows something.

She can't! It's not possible!

Listen, you've got to close down the operation.

Well, we can't do that. We're less than a week away from the squad car.

We'd let the girls down terribly.

It's too dangerous.

Well, I think she's an M&M.

Huh ?

You know, hard on the outside, soft and squishy on the outside.

You're playing with fire.

No I'm not.

Besides, think of it this way.

I don't think this has anything to do with the investigation on the department.

I think it has to do with that little affair you had with Mrs. Davies.

Oh, you think it's personal ?

It would sure explain things.

I was going to workout before my shower.

Would you like to join me ?

Well you know i---

I think you should workout with me.

We can work on my pecs.

Well you know I was going to take a nap. I'm kind of tired.

Is that an invitation ?

Well you know---

what the hell do you think you're doing ?

Why don't you go home and take a cold shower.

It's easy to see which one of us he prefers.

You know to tell you the truth I'm not---

you better get out of here before I knock your lights out.

No ladies, please.

I'd like to see you try.

Ladies, ladies, please I've---

come on!

You guys are best friends let's not forget that.

Not any more!

You slut! You bitch!

Stop it! Hey! Hey!

What are you doing with your hands ?

What does it matter ? There's no place where hands haven't been put!

We can't have brawling in the police station.

Not with the new captain.

If you guys want to fight, you do it in the ring.

Let's go.

I will see you tomorrow. You'll bet eating out of a straw.

We'll see about that.

I'm, you know-- this has never happened to me.

This is your fault, man.

No I did nothing.

What kind of aftershave do you use ? You're dust.

Brut.

I gotta get some.

By fabrougette.

Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome one, welcome all,

to the greatest fight you've ever seen.

We have three rounds of championship boxing.

Now weighing in at 120 pounds,

the former miss America runner up,

the champ... Miss Casey Williams.

Lisa: You're gonna be great, kid. You're gonna be great.

And in the other corner,

which would be over here,

the very talented and lovely lady

who happens to be miss America third runner up,

ladies and gentlemen weighing in at...

112. Ah, I see.

Weighing in at 112 pounds, former miss America runner up,

second runner up.

Miss Lacey Andrews.

You're fucking dead!

All right. All right. Everybody back to your corners.

Back to your corners.

All right, let's come in, ladies.

Leave the robe. Leave the robe.

All right.

Now... I want a good clean fight here, kids.

I don't want to see any raw punches to the head.

Like this.

Or any jabs to the stomach, like this.

All right ?

Now let's have some fun, kids.

Dead meat.

Go for it.

Great. Great. Great. Let's start the fight!

Watch out. A little low there. A little low.

All right. All right let's break it up.

One...

Two...

Three.

Okay. Back to your ring.

I can't see nothing out of my eye.

Your going to have to cut me, Lisa.

You look bad. I think we should stop the fight.

No. Cut the goddamn eye.

But watch the eyebrow, I just waxed it.

No. It's not worth it.

Cut the eye.

All right.

Okay. Good fight. Good fight.

And the winner by a knock out...

Casey.

Hey!

You guys yourselves again ?

Yeah.

Isn't that cute.

Have you seen Marty ?

We kinda want to apologize for all we put him through the last few days.

Yeah I understand.

You have been big troublemakers.

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry to me. I don't care.

I'm not the one who was standing there watching you guys fight it out.

Anyway, I'll let him know you're looking for him.

Oh, no need. We have a surprise for him.

Oh, really ?

Oh wait. In that case, third cell on the left.

All right. Shhh! Be very quiet.

We're gonna make a real cop out of you.

Who told you it was my birthday ?

Hey what are you guys doing ?

Good morning, all.

Good morning, captain.

As I told you originally,

I was brought in here to turn this department around.

And as I told you more recently,

I didn't think there was a need to.

She's a good lady.

The reason there's no need to,

is because this entire department is about to be dissolved.

And each and every one of you is going to be...

...dismissed!

Wait a second.

What are you talking about ?

We didn't do anything wrong.

I think turning a police station into a house of ill repute,

is despicable.

Repute... what ?

No. Ill repute. Ill repute.

Ill repute, captain. What are you talking about ?

I didn't want to believe it.

I wanted to believe that you were good cops.

That you care about your community.

We care, we care.

This tape...

Has a prostitute playing bucking bronco

with a John in this police station's investigation room.

I can't believe it. She hid the goddamn cameras in the plants.

This one, has a prominent businessman

making a sizable donation to this department

after an hour in a cell screaming "oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god."

Oh, my god.

And this one...

Has three police officers.

Two females and one male,

in one of our holding cells having intimate knowledge of each other.

Could I get a copy of that ?

And I know you are behind all this sin and decadence.

That you are the kingpin of this operation.

And I will see that you are treated accordingly.

Now, go clear out your desk and lockers.

The mayor will be here soon to serve you your papers.

Hold on a second.

I have something I want to say to all of you.

As far as I'm concerned you're all great cops.

Thank you.

Regardless of what the department has to say.

I just want to tell you,

I've been doing this for many, many years,

every time I try to get out,

they suck me right back in!

All right, get out of here.

Marty: I'm gonna tell my mom.

I bet you really enjoyed that.

Just doing my job.

Just doing my job. Well, I got news for you,

we didn't do anything wrong and you know it.

You broke the law.

Broke the law. Yeah, great.

Come on. Prostitution is the oldest profession on this planet.

Besides the fact that it's a victimless crime.

But it's still a crime in this city.

Yeah, it is.

But I want you to think about something for a minute.

The fact that we are helping these ladies.

They're hookers, yes granted.

However they're going to be hookers

either way you look at it.

So, we help them out.

We give 'em a head start. We get them off the streets

and doing something they never thought they could do.

Carrie is going back to school to become a lawyer.

Bambi, she's going to become a crossing guard.

I mean they're doing things with their lives for a change.

But it's still against the law.

Okay, I'll give you that. It's against the law.

But we all break the law.

I mean, come on. You know we speed.

We cut those little tags off our pillows that we're not supposed to.

I still have the tags on my pillows.

You would.

You know what it is ?

You need something that you haven't had

in a really, really long time.

You see the truth of the matter is,

what you need is something that is not only physical,

but is emotional.

You need to learn how to feel.

You know they really do know how to hurt a guy.

But I'm a cop.

I'm always a cop first.

Uh-huh. Well so am I.

So much so, that I don't go anywhere...

...without my badge.

You think you're so hot.

That you're the only one devoted to your job.

Well... you are not the only one.

My god!

Oh, god. He must still be down there with the old maid.

Oh, my god.

She must really be cutting his balls off.

The poor bastard.

The mayor's here! The mayor's here!

The mayor's here!

Oh, yeah!

Oh no!

Thelma on intercom: The mayor's here!

Shit! Get up! Quick!

Mrs. D: Darling I really think you're doing the wrong thing here.

The people of tis town want their police force

to be as moral and ethical as they are.

We will not be protected from the filth by filth.

Where's captain Mary Mae ?

I don't know, she must still be in the lunch room.

Where's my dress ? Where's my skirt ?

Give me your pants.

Gotch ya!

Got you all!

What you all have done to this department...

Is beyond reprehensible.

It's a disgrace to our community,

our culture...

And the fine people who pay your salaries.

Oh, I will take great pleasure...

In seeing that you're replaced by officers of high moral integrity

and that you're all properly punished!

Save it for the podium.

Yeah! You lost our votes!

Prisoners are not allowed to vote!

Captain Mae!

I can explain.

The news team will be here any minute,

to put all of this-- this whole thing on the six o'clock news.

And you! Head of vice...

Clean out your desk!

You know mayor, I think we can work this out.

These men and women have learned the error of their ways.

And I think we should give them another chance.

Oh, really ? That's not what you were saying

when we were viewing that tapes!

Well, see, things have changed.

Officer caroll has presented a very hard argument.

And I really think that you should hear---

god oh mighty! It's like an epidemic around here!

You take those off!

I mean--- well---

change! Change!

I have changed.

I don't see how!

You guys stop leering at my wife!

I will sue you all!

You leaches!

I didn't know about the cameras, or I would have told you.

I feel awful.

Yeah. Me, too.

You know, it's not even the fact that I got fired that I'm upset about.

It's not even the fact that we have to go

take this entire department in front of a jury

and talk about our dirty laundry.

That's not even what it is.

You know what it is ?

What ?

The fact that we're never going to catch that peeping Tom.

We were so close. We were this close you know ?

It just drives me crazy.

I feel like...

There's just one more thing.

Just one more thing!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Good god! Great scots!

By George, look!

Huh ?

Keep packing! I want you out of here in an hour!

What ? What ?

What ?

David: Well, Mr. Mayor, sir.

What ? What ?

Naughty, naughty.

Shame, shame, shame.

Well, Mr. Mayor...

Look familiar ?

I bet it does.

Because it's is the face that you see every morning

when you look in the mirror.

There must be some mistake.

Oh yeah. You know what the mistake is ?

You!

May-maybe we can work something out.

Yeah. I've got a bone to pick with you.

Nice legs.

Don't try to butter me up by being nice!

All right, then.

Take him where the sun don't shine.

Third cell on the left.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

See ya!

Gotta go!

Call my attorney.

Everybody, I'd like to officially welcome lieutenant Mary Mae.

Very nice. Very nice. Thank you.

She's going to be leaving internal affairs

and joining us as our new head of vice.

Wow! All right!

Where the hell's Clifford anyway ?

Well it seems the boy had to turn in his badge.

Well, as of today,

officer caroll will be my new right-hand man.

And officer Hamilton will be my new left-hand man.

Well, anyway, just remember what I've always said...

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

A good-- a good, uh, there's nothing like a good--

right-hand-- hand-- job--

no, a man... Man job ?

You said it was a hand job.

I'm mean a right-hand man-- the job for a right-hand man.

The job for a right-hand man.

I've got to call my agent.

Time for lunch.

I'm going for lunch. Corey, end this thing.

Good job, mate.